Friendly Jokes

What are some Friendly jokes?

TIL: After Pearl Harbor, US warships fired upon friendly u boats heading back to port.

Whoops, wrong sub.

Why do police officers wear blue?

Because the black uniforms led to too much friendly fire.

AMA: I am a submarine naval commander discharged for friendly fire in an underwater sea battle

Oops, wrong sub.

I got $20 from a blind homeless man on the street today!

He had this tin can full of money, and was just holding it in front of my face. What a friendly guy.

Pets are like countries.

Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.



Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.



Parrots are like America. They blindly repeat anybody they believe is of higher intelligence, especially if the owner is Russian.



Goldfish are like Carpatho-Ukraine. They'd be lucky to last a year.

Since it's so close to Thanksgiving, remember this

Give a man some corn, he eats for a day. Teach a man to grow corn, he kills you and steals your land!

Happy Thanksgiving from your friendly, neighborhood Native American!

TIL the excuse the US Marine used in May 1943 after accidentally friendly fire'ing a British U-boat.

Woops, wrong sub.

The people on the internet are so friendly....

One guy called me bro, and he even said my story was cool.

TIL that during WWII 3 U.S. submarines sank due to friendly fire.

Whoops, wrong sub.

Call of Duty is the most environmentally friendly video game franchise.

... because each game is made from 90% recycled material.

What do you call a fatality that results from friendly fire in a gang war?

Homiecide

This sub is extremely environmentally friendly

It only uses recycled jokes

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi...

...decide to have a friendly competition to see who is the best at their job. To make things interesting, they agree to see who is best at converting the bears in the local woods. A week passes, and they get together to compare notes.

The priest says, "I was walking through the woods and came upon a patch of berries where there was a bear, gathering berries. I walked up to the bear and I gave him the Holy Communion, and thus converted the bear".

The minister goes, "I too was walking through the woods, and came across a stream. There was a bear in the stream, catching fish. So I waded out to him, and baptized the bear right there, and so converting him."

The priest and minster look over to the rabbi, and this guy is in rough shape. He is in total traction, with a full body cast, cuts and scrapes on his face and hands.

"Oy," the rabbi says, "In retrospect, I shouldn't have led with the circumcision."

What's the kid friendly term for Bukkake?

Baby-shower

So aliens from Mars comes down to Earth...

...And they're friendly! The leaders of the world and the aliens plan a huge televised event where the leaders can ask questions on whatever they want.

During this event, the pope is up to talk to the aliens.

"I know this question may sound odd to you gentlemen," the pope starts to ask, "but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?"

"Jesus Christ?!?" the alien leader exclaims, "how do we not! He swings by our planet every two years or so. Awesome guy!"

Now this obviously starts a huge debate within the UN, as this information now has implications to everything they knew. The pope, however, is not exactly a happy person as his brain is on other information.

"EVERY TWO YEARS OR SO?!?" The pope exclaims, "We've still been waiting for his SECOND coming!"

Trying to calm down the pope, the aliens say "Well maybe he didn't like your chocolate."

The pope, upon hearing this news, takes a few moments to calm down. When he finally regains his composure, he states calmly, "Forgive me, but what does chocolate have anything to do with this?"

The aliens respond, "Well when he was on our planet, we would give him huge boxes of chocolates. Why, what did you guys do when he was here?"

Imagine a world where nobody is starving

A world where everybody is happy. Everybody is friendly. A world with no conflict. No wars. No weapons.

Now imagine invading that world because they would never see it coming.

A man goes to Japan for a business trip and decides to spice things up.

The night before the meeting, he goes out and meets a friendly Japanese woman who he takes back to the hotel. They get to action and all night the woman repeatedly yells, Chigau! Chigau!

The next day the man goes to the meeting and it follows up with Golf with the Japanese employees. As the man lines up his shot on a Par 3, he swings and gets a hole in one! His Japanese peers celebrate and the man, out of instinct, excitedly yells Chigau!

The company's Japanese translator, confused, asks the man, What do you mean 'Wrong Hole'?

Husband and wife debate

A man and his wife are walking down the street when the wife turns to her husband and says honey, I think it's snowing the man looks back at her and says no it's raining.

To settle the debate between the two they ask the friendly redcoat standing at the end of the street. The redcoat, Rudolph tells them that it is in fact raining.

The husband turns to his wife and says see, Rudolph the red knows rain dear.

Moses, Jesus, and an old man are playing a friendly game of golf...

Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing a friendly game of golf.

First Moses goes. He licks his finger to check the wind. He does some simple trigonometry and then hits the golf ball. The golf ball lands in the middle of the lake. He grumbles and growls and sticks his club into the ground to part the seas. He walks into the middle of the now waterless lake and hits it onto the green. He sinks the ball with a birdie.

Next goes Jesus. Jesus puts his hands in prayer and then sets up to hit the ball. He makes contact and hits it onto the green. He puts it in for an eagle.

The old man grumbles and growls. He approaches the tee with his club in his off-hand. He takes a mighty swing and smacks the ball. The ball flies and lands on a lily-pad. It is then picked up by a frog. The frog in turn finds itself in the clutches of a falcon. The frog drops the ball and it bounces in for a hole-in-one.

At this point Moses leans towards Jesus and whisper, "I really hate playing with your old man."

A man died and gets shown around in heaven by St. Peter

β€žSo, over here we have the Muslims. Very nice people, celebrating that they're allowed to drink up here.

β€žNext we have the Jews. Also really friendly, having discussion groups with God himself from time to time.

β€žThere are the Buddhists, really relaxed people, just enjoying themselves.

The tour goes on for quite a while like this.

Finally they arrive at a locked door.

β€žYou must be really quiet around here , St. Peter whispers.

β€žWhy, who's in there? , the man asks.

β€žThe Catholics, they think they are alone up here.

Cheap parrot

A woman decides she wants to buy a pet so she heads down to the local pet store. After a bit of browsing, she fixes her attention on a lovely talking parrot on sale for only $10. The clerk tells her the parrot's going cheap because it used to live in a house of ill repute so it may not be the most family friendly of pets. Thinking this deal is too good to pass up, she buys it without hesitation.

She gets home and places the parrot near the entrance. The parrot looks around and says, "New house, new madame!" The woman is startled by this but laughs it off. Later, her two teenage daughters get home, the parrot looks at them and remarks, "New house, new madame, new prostitutes!" The girls are shocked by this but after some explaining by the mom, they all laugh it off. The woman is delighted and eagerly awaits her husband so she can see what his reaction will be.

The husband arrives moments later. The parrot looks at him and says,"Hello Keith!"

Lost in the Woods

A reporter is doing a story on the life of a farmer. The first man she meets seems friendly enough, so she decides to interview him.
"What would you say your best memory is as a farmer?" she asked.
"Well, I would have to say it was when John down the road lost his pig in the woods, so we found it, raped it, and brought it back."
"Oh. Okay..." obviously the reporter could not use that, so she tries again. "What was your next best memory as a farmer?"
"Well, one day my cow, Bessie, got lost in the woods. We found her, raped her and brought her back"
...that couldn't be used either of course, so the reporter thinks for a bit, and asks "What was your least favorite memory as a farmer?"
"Um. Well one night I got really drunk, and found myself lost in the woods..."

I'm super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I just don't know why.

A Texan Visits Israel

A Texan visits Israel for vacation and spends several weeks travelling around to see the different sites. One day, while making his way through the countryside to a destination, he realizes he is quite thirsty and stops at a small farm to request a drink. The owner of the farm is quite friendly and provides the Texan with a drink of water. Israel is not a particularly large country and has a fairly large population, so the individual farmsteads are rather small. Noticing this, and feeling friendly, the Texan talks a bit.

'Back in a Texas, I'm a farmer too, although it's a bit different there. If I climb in my truck early in the morning and drive until noon across my property, I'm not even halfway across. If I keep driving until the sun sets, I'll have only reached the other end of my property, and I'll have to camp out and drive back the next day'

The Israeli farmer nods before responding

'I once had a truck like that'

A UFO landed in the Vatican and the friendly Aliens where greeted by the pope

Pope: What a great honour having the first sign of foreign life in the Univers visiting my humble home. Now, let me tell you about our saviour and king in heaven, Jesus Christ, who saved us all and currently we await his return to us.

Alien Leader: Jesus Christ you say? Long hair, beard, always in white clothes and is in his mid-thirties? Sure we know this guy.. great guy! Whenever he visits us he cure our sick, turn some water into wine (great laugh!), show us his walking-on-water-trick and then we throw a great party and serve him pancakes. He pops up every 2 years or so. Anyway, what did you guys do?

What happened to Casper the friendly ghost after his parents got divorced?

His mom got soul custody.

[text] The mechanic and the heart surgeon

A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic.

"So tell me," says the mechanic, "I've been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me.."

"Yes?.." says the surgeon.

"Well look at this," says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, "I check how it's running, open it up, fix the valves, and put it all back together so it works good as new.. We basically do the same job don't we? And yet you are paid ten times what I am - how do you explain that?"

The surgeon thought for a moment, and smiling gently, replied,"Try it with the engine running.."

So there was this soccer game....

One day, there were a group of turtles and skunks that decided to play a friendly soccer game. However this soccer game was painful to watch; the turtles were slow, and the skunks just flat out stunk.

The skunks were down a man so they got a centipede to play at the last minute. Now most of the game has gone by and it's been an awful game since no one was able to score. So the coach of the skunks put the centipede in as a last resort. Surprisingly, the centipede scored right away.

So the coach says, "centipede, where have you been all game?"

The centipede replied, "I was putting on my shoes."

My friend was too afraid to lose her virginity

So I just gave her a friendly tip

How to make right decisions

The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my department head's office. He's a friendly guy and on the rare opportunities that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations. While I was in his office yesterday I asked him

"Sir, What is the secret of your success?"

"Two words"

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Right decisions."

"But how do you make right decisions?"

"One word."

"And, sir, What is that?"

"Experience."

"And how do you get Experience?"

"Two words"

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Wrong decisions"

A priest and a rabbi are stuck on an elevator.

They strike up a friendly conversation and after a while, the priest asks the rabbi, "Tell me, did you ever, in a moment of weakness, partake in the eating of bacon."

The rabbi said, "Yes. I was staying at a motel where no one knew me and it was on the breakfast buffet."

The priest nods, empathetically. The rabbi then asks the priest a question. "Did you ever...you know...sleep with a woman?"

The priest replied, "Yes, in a period of weakness during my first year in seminary. I met a young woman at a cafe and one thing led to another and, well, yes. We had sex."

"I see," the rabbi nodded, knowingly, before adding. "It's a heckuva lot better than bacon, isn't it?"

My birthday present from my friendly Lesbian neighbors

So it was my birthday and I'm really good friends with the lesbian couple next door. I told them what I was wanting this year and they ended up giving me a brand new gold Rolex. I was disappointed to say the least.

I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch"

I need a joke in to tell my Hispanic manager!

I tried telling my boss a corny joke but he said he didn't get it because it was too 'American'(his words not mine). So i told him I'd find a joke in Spanish and try telling him it. I want to make my boss laugh so help me out guys! So if you know any work friendly jokes in Spanish post them here with a translation. Thanks!

Dog at the bar

A man's sitting next to a dog at the bar
Woman walks in, "Is your dog friendly? I'm a dog lover, can I pet him?"
Man replies "sure"
Dog proceeds to bite woman
Irate woman to the man, "I thought you said your dog was friendly! "
Man replies, "That aint my dog"

Why are dyslexic authors so friendly?

They don't know the difference between smiles and metaphors.

What do environmentally friendly mathematicians use to make a fire?

Natural Logs

Just though of this sitting in class, please don't hurt me

The old couple next door.

A young, friendly neighborhood couple were making their first visit to a very old couple next door. They were impressed by the way the old man preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 60 years and clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the young husband leaned over and said to the old man, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!"

IMPROVE YOUR MEMORY

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other: Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?
Outstanding , Fred replied. They taught us all the latest psychological techniques – visualization, association – it has made a big difference for me .
That's great! What about the name of the clinic?
Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?
You mean a rose?
Yes, that's it!
Then he turned to his wife and asked: Rose, what was the name of that clinic?

Funny Fart Jokes (family friendly)...

A boy comes home proudly announces to his parents "Mom, dad, the teacher asked the class a question today and I was the only one who knew the right answer!"

The parents are very happy and ask, "That's amazing Lenny! And what was the question?"

Sticking out his chest, the boys says, "Who farted?"

I finally understand why vegans are so healthy

Because every time they go out they have to walk twice as far to find a vegan friendly restaurant!

I live in constant fear

I live in constant fear that one day while I'm least suspecting it someone might break in to burglarize and kill my mother-in-law, who lives at 375 Woodland Ave in the light blue house, only one dog who is friendly and no alarm set, always leaves the kitchen window unlocked and without screen, sleeps on the second floor south room next to the bathroom which is where she keeps all her jewelry hidden behind the mirror.

What is the most environmentally friendly game company?

The three that make Call of Duty; They've recycled their ONLY GAME, every year for the past 7 years.

The workers at the inn aren't very friendly...

they create a hostel environment.

What do you call a friendly immobile sea creature that offers you food and lodging?

An amenable anemone with amenities.

Indian bar game

A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner.
"Look," he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't then you buy me one. OK?"
"Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian.
The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"
The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?"
"It was ME," chortled the Indian.
So the Norwegian paid for the drinks.
Back in Sioux Falls the Norwegian went into the bar and spotted one of his cronies.
"Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, you have to buy me vun. Fair enough?"
"Fair enough," said Sven.
"Ok," the Norwegian said, "my father and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder. It vasn't my sister. Who vas it?"
"Search me," said Sven. "I give up, who vas it?"
The Norwegian burst out, "It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota!"

The new pool lifeguard was talking to his boss about his experience so far

"There's an exceptional amount of friendly people here. It's been at least seven who has waved at me."

George and Barbara Bush were driving through Texas...

...when the First Couple stopped at a restaurant.

Barbara Bush recognized the waiter was an ex-boyfriend from high school. George and Barbara had a friendly conversation with the waiter, and then continued their drive.


In the car, George Bush said to Barbara, "Can you imagine what life would be like if you'd married him instead of me?"


Barbara Bush replied, "Yes. He'd be President and you'd be serving coffee."

On the bright side, this is gonna be the most environmentally friendly olympics...

On the bright side, this is gonna be the most environmentally friendly olympics, even the pools are going green.

At the end of my 21st birthday meal, I mentioned to my dad that the waiter had been really friendly and accommodating.

So he hands him a 100 euro note and goes, "As the leper said to the prostitute, 'You can keep the tip!'"

A guy moves to a new neighborhood and sees his neighbor playing chess with his dog

A guy moves to a new neighborhood. The next morning, he sees his neighbor playing chess with his dog. Tries to be friendly, he asks: wow you have an incredibly smart dog, he can even play chess, how'd you train him?. Bothered, his neighbor replies: Nah, not that bright, we've been playing 10 games, and he lost like 7 of them!

You would think that atoms bonding would mean they're being friendly to eachother

But instead they steal each others electrons.

How ionic.

Rudolph the red

November a very rich soviet couple where walking back to there home. They hear some distant thunder and the man looks up at the clouds yep it's gonna rain tonight

What are you talking about says the wife it's clearly going to snow you idiot

It's to warm to snow it's going to rain, and look honey there's the friendly neighborhood communists officer let's ask him

They walk up to the communist officer and he says hi I'm Rudolph how can I help?

The husband asks the question and Rudolph say hmmm I think it will rain tonight

No it's not proclaims the wife

The husband responds honey Rudolph the red knows rain dear

What do you call a friendly Chinese man who gives out free firewood?

Kind Ling

Cat Race

So, England and France have a friendly contest to see which country is superior. They do this by having a cat race, in which the French cat, 'Un Duex Trois, and English cat 'One Two Three' will race across the channel.

The race starts and One Two Three cat speeds across the water, easily winning.

Unfortunately, Un Deux Trois cat sank.

While visiting Ireland last year, a nice friendly old man said to me...

"Sir, if you ever come within a mile of my house, I hope you will stop there."

The wife and I were playing a friendly math game last night

She thought she had me but I beat her with a 2x4

A Photographer Hears About a Ghost Appearance...

It was said to be appearing that night, in an abandoned house. This was said to only happen every one hundred years. So, the photographer packs his equipment and goes to the house. Around midnight, the ghost appears. It turns out to be quite friendly, and consents to have its picture taken. The photographer, delighted, takes the picture and rushes to get it developed, only to find out that it was underexposed, and nothing could be seen.
MORAL: The spirit is willing, but the flash is weak

What do you call someone who's obsessively environmentally friendly?

An Eco-Maniac

If I were to tell you that we might go to war with friendly countries soon, well...

allied.

TIL of an incident during the Cold War when American ships, fearing a Soviet attack, nearly fired on a friendly vessel.

Whoops, wrong sub.

Why is the polar bear so friendly?

Cause he's an ice guy!

What do you call an investment partnership run by friendly Swedes?

a Hej Fund

TIFU by destroying a friendly submarine

Whoops, wrong sub.

Dogs

Lady with three dogs opens door to salesman. Salesman trying to be friendly asks "What are the names of your dogs?"
Lady says "This is Timex, he's Boliva, and there is Rolex." Salesman says with surprise. "There all named after watches!" Lady says "Of course! Their all watch dogs! "

A man approaches a woman at the bar

He flirts with her, chats with her and is very friendly. Yet, the woman refuses to go back to his place with him. He says, "What if I paid you $1 million to have sex with me?"

The woman has never had $1 million before, in fact, she's never come close. She mulls it over, thinking about how nice it would be to have that much money. Before she can answer, the man interjects.

"You know what, I change my offer. I'll give you one dollar."

The woman is shocked and replies, "What kind of woman do you think I am!?"

The man says, "Haven't we already figured that out? Now we're just negotiating."
^fsociety

I was visited by the ghost of Gloria Gaynor the other day.

She ended up being friendly. However, when appeared, at first I was afraid - I was petrified.

Went to the dog car dealership.

I could tell the salespeople were friendly, since I got all the Volkswagen at me!

A Captain walks into a Lesbian bar...

and asks the bartender

"is this place seamen friendly?"

TIL That there was a German warship during WW2 that accidentally sunk 34 friendly submarines.

When Japan invaded China in World War II...

...imagine how many people died from friendly fire.

You too can help prevent wild fires.

Just a friendly tip. Google your joke before you post it here. It will tell you when the last time it was posted to this sub. Help do your part to keep this sub trash fire free!

A priest and a rabbi are stuck in an elevator .

They strike up a friendly conversation and after a while, the priest asks the rabbi, "Tell me, did you ever, in a moment of weakness, partake in the eating of bacon."

The rabbi said, "Yes. I was staying at a motel where no one knew me and it was on the breakfast buffet."

The priest nods, empathetically. The rabbi then asks the priest a question. "Did you ever...you know...do anything?"

The priest replied, "Yes, in a period of weakness during my first year in seminary. I was feeling lonely and down and well... I masturbated."

"I see," the rabbi nodded, knowingly, before adding. "Well that sure beats meat."

I tried to get my stovetop to be more friendly by making it say Hi all the time.

Things got heated pretty quickly.

;)

What do you call a friendly crocodile ?

An ally-gator.

I want to start an lgbt friendly militia

An Al gayda if you will...

What do you call a friendly Mancunian midwife?

Ultra sound

Hans and Jervaise....

A man walks into a restaurant and orders squid. "Certainly sir," says Jervaise, the waiter. "Would you like to choose your squid from the tank over there?" "I'll have that little green one with the moustache," says the customer. "Oh no!" replies Jervaise. "But he's my favourite! He's so small and cute and friendly. Surely you'd prefer one of the bigger, meatier ones?"
"No," says the customer. "It's got to be that one". So Jervaise gets the little green squid out and puts him on the chopping block, raises his knife and ... the little squid looks up and smiles, twitching his bushy moustache into a big friendly grin!
"It's no good' says Jervaise. "I can't do it. I'll have to ask Hans who does the washing up. He's a big, tough brute - he'll be able to do the evil deed?' So out comes Hans, while Jervaise disappears off in tears. Hans picks up the knife, raises it to chop the little squid's head off and ... once again the little friendly squid looks up and smiles, wiggling his little legs and twitching his little moustache. So Hans, too, finds it impossible to kill him.
The moral?
Now Hans that does dishes can be as soft as Jervaise with vile green hairy-lip squid.

(NSFW) Computer tech humor

A computer technician was boasting about the size of his hard drive and how much RAM he had. A female colleague said that she had three user friendly ports and some of best port knockers around.

The female technician suggested that perhaps they should combine their equipment and connect his hard drive to her user friendly ports with as much RAM as he had.

She even suggested that he could test out her knockers to find out why they were the best around. After hearing this he had an immediate buffer overflow and his hard drive crashed.

It might be rare but I know this really friendly and non-provocative vegan.

She has never had a beef with anyone!

I tweeted a joke about a bombing, and a few hours later a bombing happened. So I got a call from the FBI, and needless to say they weren't friendly.

I guess my joke was too soon.

So I hear there is a rule about not ending sentences with a preposition.

A snobbish English teacher was sitting in an Atlanta airport coffee shop waiting for her flight back to Connecticut, when a friendly Southern belle sat down next to her.

'Where y'all goin' to?' asked the Southern belle.

Turning her nose in the air, the snob replied 'I don't answer people who end their sentences with prepositions'.

The Southern belle thought a moment, and tried again. 'Where y'all goin' to, bitch?'

China and Russia are having a friendly discussion...

Russia: "I bet you couldn't kill that group of Buddhist monks over there"
China: "Do you want Tibet?"

What kind of bar is kid friendly?

A chocolate bar.

I must say, I'm impressed by the great selection and friendly staff at my local Wal-Mart.

It's the only way I'll see my family again.

Have you heard of the dog friendly bar?

I recommend avoiding it. It a ruff joint.

What do you call a friendly bacteria?

A Brocoli

My best friend burnt me with a flamethrower once...

Fortunately, I survived because it was friendly fire.

A Jewish man and a Christian man are on a plane

On this plane, they have a debate about which religion is more valid. Neither manages to convince the other, but it was a nice friendly conversation. Suddenly, the plane starts to smoke, and ends up crashing in the ocean. Once they're on the safety raft, and the Christian sees the Jewish man cross himself. He says "Hey! I just say you cross yourself! Did I manage to convert you to my religion on the plane?" the Jewish man replies "No no no no no. Spectacles, testicles, wallet, and watch"

How to make Friendly jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Friendly to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Friendly? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Friendly pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes