Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
In the end, he came around.
Well the jokes on them – they're imaginary too...
He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.
'Mmm?'
'Not that many!'
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
It didn't help that she was still wearing them.
Or that his whole family was there.
That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.
And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..
I've had a Canon printer for years.
I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.
I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I know he means well...
He said, Thanks man, I've been practicing a lot.
Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop
"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"
A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy that my prayer worked.
And a Czech one too.
A Czech one too.
I really hope it's Todd, he's cute.
I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
"That's a grievous sin," the priest says. "Tell me: Was it Mary O'Hara?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Kate Dannaher?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Kathleen McGonigle?"
"No, Father. I don't want to say who it was."
Later, as the boy leaves the church, he sees a friend, who asks him, "How'd it go?"
He answers, "Well, I got ten Hail Marys, five Our Fathers... and three great leads."
At his funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebuoy. It's what he would've wanted.
... but you can't count Missouri twice.
The girl I'm going out with insist on calling me just friend instead of boyfriend
i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home
apparently this was posted before...i had no idea. a friend sent me a voice recording of someone telling it and i posted it ..sorry
Honestly, I should have seen the signs.
"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."
"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker."
"I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."
It's almost as if they have become trans-parent.
and a Czech one too. Czech one too.
The friend goes upstairs and sees the paralyzed man's two sexy 17 year old daughters.
He says, Your father sent me up here to have sex with you.
One of the girls replies, That couldn't possibly be true!
The man says I'll prove it and then yells towards the stairs, Both of them?
The paralyzed man yells back Of course both of them!
He said he couldnt complain
Says the teacher to a student's parent at a school gathering.
-- Did he say where he got it?
-- Yes! His best friend gave it to him.
The father, cleaning his tears:
-- Did he really say that?
The operator asks for his location.
Jack says I'm outside 28 Eucalyptus Road .
The operator knows there is no room for error and for clarity asks, "How do you spell that?"
There's shuffling and sounds of straining at the other end of the phone. Jack? says the operator, concerned. More shuffling and grunting.
Sorry about that says Jack. I just dragged him 'round to 1 Oak Street
Friend: 'How did your date go?'
Man: 'I talked too much about my obsession with simplifying fractions'
Friend: 'That wasn't a very good idea'
Man: 'Yeah, well hindsight is 1'
I know he means well...
Everybody came.
You should have seen her face.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
To be honest, I should have seen the signs
So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.
John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.
Gary: Then you should be with Edith.
John: But I love Kate and could never leave her...
Gary: Then you should stay with Kate.
John: But I also want to be with Edith, I can't miss this opportunity!
Gary: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.
He keeps saying, At least I have a real friend.
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
I know he means well...
At his funeral, we placed a lifejacket on his coffin.
It's what he would have wanted...
Lazy
I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
He was high on my list of priorities
So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.
I told my mother that my new girl friend is disabled. Now we wait.
After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...
After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..
"It's simple" billionaire boasts...
"I faked my age"
"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks.
With a smile on his lips billionaire responds
"85 years old"
They said thank you. I said don't mention it.
Credit to my friend Chris
My wife's still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was a great idea
But that's his story, and he's sticking to it.
He started counting but fell asleep.
A 60 yr old Billionaire came to the Bar with his gorgeous 25 yr old wife!
Friend: "How did she marry you?"
Billionaire: "I lied about my age!"
Friend: "You said 45?"
Billionaire: "No! I told her I was 90"
... and I said, yes, but they R2D2.
One man in the crowd then yelled "Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?"
(Wow this exploded. Front... *wow*. Gotta say, I like the (current) top comment's version more.)
"A miracle?!" he laughed.
I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
But then I saw the next two letters.
Because they're both cauldron
But it was just my imagine Asian.
A girl says to her friend "The last time I had sex was like the 100 meter dash"
Her friend says "What, over in 6 seconds?"
"No, with 8 black men and a gun."
But it was just my imaginasian.
She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had.
I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.
He's high on my list of priorities
I had to explain to him i was married now and that's where i sleep.
So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die.
I replied 'Probably failing my driving test'.
I guess he just doesn't understand tsar chasm.
All the red flags were there.
**I see why.**
So we made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a French alliance.
We are from the south so things are going good.
In the spaghetto.
Kudos to my friend who came up with this.
He is still in Daniel...
"Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber."
400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend:
"Where did you go in UBER bro, party was in your house"
"That's nuts!" I exclaimed.
And I don't know if I should tell him.
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
He told me "thank you."
I said "don't mention it."
...which was ironic because we were at a train station
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Edit- This is a famous quote by Aaron Levenstein. A Professor told this to a friend.
So Yung...
Joke's on them, so are they!
During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.
...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"
"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.
"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"
"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"
This Valentines day, I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
Then I saw the next two letters...
Trust me. My friend Keith did it once and he said he was going to die and then he did.
He started counting then fell asleep.
It was a very hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.
It's like I've never known herbivore
Then I saw the next two letters.
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Friend? Well, here are the best Friend puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Friend pick up lines to share with friends.