Friend Jokes

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it's flat!

In the end, he came around.

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary...

Well the jokes on them – they're imaginary too...

My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther

He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.

A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!'

'Mmm?'

'Not that many!'

My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.

We now call him Dr. Awkward.

My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

Or that his whole family was there.

That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.

And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I'm not impressed.

I've had a Canon printer for years.

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"

I know he means well...

My friend said to me, Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!? I said, Go on, then. He shouted, NOT THE KRYPTONITE! I said, That's Superman.

He said, Thanks man, I've been practicing a lot.

The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant

Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

I have a Russian friend who's a sound technician

And a Czech one too.
A Czech one too.

My friends say there is a gay guy in our circle of friends

I really hope it's Todd, he's cute.

My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.

So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die.

When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend

But it was just my imaginasian.

I caught my wife cheating with my best friend.

She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had.

I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.

100m Dash

A girl says to her friend "The last time I had sex was like the 100 meter dash"

Her friend says "What, over in 6 seconds?"

"No, with 8 black men and a gun."

One man in the crowd then yelled

Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?

My friend asked me if the new Star Wars was in 3D...

... and I said, yes, but they R2D2.

I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said thank you. I said don't mention it.

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap

He was high on my list of priorities

Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend?

Because they're both cauldron

My friend Tommy drowned the other day...

At his funeral, we placed a lifejacket on his coffin.

It's what he would have wanted...

I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had.

He started counting but fell asleep.

My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...

Lazy

If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy"

Credit to my friend Chris

My friend used my todo list to roll a blunt

He's high on my list of priorities

I once thought I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my imagine Asian.

My friend always tells me "cheer up, at least you aren't stuck in a deep hole full of water"

I know he means well...

When I noticed "HI" in the alphabet I thought I had made a new friend

But then I saw the next two letters.

My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers.

To be honest, I should have seen the signs

A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

I lied about my age

A 60 yr old Billionaire came to the Bar with his gorgeous 25 yr old wife!

Friend: "How did she marry you?"

Billionaire: "I lied about my age!"

Friend: "You said 45?"

Billionaire: "No! I told her I was 90"

One of my friends told me that ever since they changed genders, their kids won't even look at them anymore..

It's almost as if they have become trans-parent.

I have a Polish friend who is an audio engineer

and a Czech one too. Czech one too.

i went to the liquor store on my bike.

i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home

apparently this was posted before...i had no idea. a friend sent me a voice recording of someone telling it and i posted it ..sorry

A man goes on a date

Friend: 'How did your date go?'

Man: 'I talked too much about my obsession with simplifying fractions'

Friend: 'That wasn't a very good idea'

Man: 'Yeah, well hindsight is 1'

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there

He said he couldnt complain

My friend is really optimistic and is always telling me : "Cheer up, you could be in a deep hole filled with water..."

I know he means well...

Jack calls an ambulance for his friend who has been hit by a car

The operator asks for his location.

Jack says I'm outside 28 Eucalyptus Road .

The operator knows there is no room for error and for clarity asks, "How do you spell that?"

There's shuffling and sounds of straining at the other end of the phone. Jack? says the operator, concerned. More shuffling and grunting.

Sorry about that says Jack. I just dragged him 'round to 1 Oak Street

A friend of mine, a mother of four, refused to have her children vaccinated.

A paralyzed man says to his friend, Go upstairs and get my shoes. My feet are cold

The friend goes upstairs and sees the paralyzed man's two sexy 17 year old daughters.

He says, Your father sent me up here to have sex with you.

One of the girls replies, That couldn't possibly be true!

The man says I'll prove it and then yells towards the stairs, Both of them?

The paralyzed man yells back Of course both of them!

I have an imaginary friend, but he keeps making fun of me.

He keeps saying, At least I have a real friend.

My friend Dave drowned.

At his funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebuoy. It's what he would've wanted.

I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf...

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mother that my new girl friend is disabled. Now we wait.

My author friend claims that he 'accidentally' glued himself to his autobiography, but I don't believe him.

But that's his story, and he's sticking to it.

10 years ago today, I married my best friend

My wife's still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was a great idea

My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."

"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker."

"I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."

I'm tired of all these forced gender neutral terms

The girl I'm going out with insist on calling me just friend instead of boyfriend

My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, I'm so sorry

... but you can't count Missouri twice.

My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!

Honestly, I should have seen the signs.

My nerdy friend got a Ph.D on the History of Palindromes.

He's now Dr.Awkward.

I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...

A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chair. The people in the cafe and the guy that told him are confused and ask what happened. The man says "this son of a bitch was just exaggerating, firstly, it was just a couple of trees he made it out like it was a forest, secondly, best friend he says?! It turns out I don't even know the guy". Thank you

German joke translated, hope you get it: "Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend..."

"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend..."

"With who?"

"Thomas."

"But since when is Thomas your best friend?"

"Since yesterday."

I hate it when people subtly flex where they went to college

I have this friend who went to Harvard and he just won't shut tf up about it. He's always been like this, even when we were in college together.

My friend just hired a limo for £1000 but it didn't come with a driver

Imagine spending all that money with nothing to chauffeur it

My friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'.

I know he means well.

My friend wanted t know how I got all my karma

I replied "piece of cake"

A college engineering student shows up with a new bike

"Woah where did you get such a nice bike?" his fellow engineering student asked.

"I was walking down the street last night and this girl on her bike came up to me started taking off her clothes and said 'its all yours' so I just took the bike" he said.

His friend replied "Good choice bro the clothes probably didn't even fit you"

An African man visits his friend in the US

I just flew in yesterday the African man says And boy are my arms tired!

You know, that's kind of an old joke here in America replied his friend.

Joke? The African man said. I've been holding my hands in the air yelling 'don't shoot' ever since I got to this damn country .

My friend said that he couldn't afford to pay his huge water bill...

So, I sent him a 'Get well Soon' card.

Why did the Proud Boy check on his sad friend?

To make sure his friend was feeling... alt-right.

Feel free to downvote me to reddit hell...

Four guys are playing golf together and talking about how successful their sons are.

The first says, "My son is so successful, he's VP of his company and just gave his best friend a car. "

The second says, " That's nothing, my son is CEO of his company and just gave his best friend a house."

The third says, "Well, my son owns 3 highly profitable companies and just gave his best friend a jet."

They look expectantly at the last guy who says, "My son is a gay escort who gets showered with love and admiration. He just got a car, a house, and a jet from three of his clients."

In Europe, they don't call it the "Friend Zone"

They call it the "Pal Region"

My Jewish friend says this is a non-offensive Holocaust joke

A Holocaust survivor died recently. Goes to Heaven and upon meeting God, he decided to tell a Holocaust joke. Then God said "That's not funny", to which the Jew replied "Oh, I guess you had to be there".

I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"

I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor

My wife was dying.

I was by her bedside.

She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said, "There's nothing to confess.

Everything's alright."

"No, I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."

"I know," I whispered, " That's why I poisoned you."

I caught my girlfriend cheating with my best friend.

She was tired of getting beaten all the time, and he was jealous of all my money and property. I was so upset when I found out, that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

I asked my Australian friend where in Australia there ISN'T something trying to kill you.

School was his answer.

An ancient Chinese joke, at least a thousand years old.

A man visits his sick friend, and finds him to now be well and energetic. "How wonderful!", his friend says, "What happened?". "Dr. Chang is the cause of my health.", he says gratefully. "Dr. Chang, what did he do?". "Well, Dr. Li came and gave me a special diet. And I got sicker. Then Dr. Wong came and gave me bitter herbs, and I got even worse. On death's door I called for Dr. Chang." "And what did Dr. Chang do?", his friend asks in wonder. The man replies happily, "Dr. Chang did the best of all, he didn't come, so I got well!"

Just met my friend on the street crying his eyes out so I asked him what was wrong

He said "Today is the 2nd of the 2nd 2022 and I just turned 22 so I went to the bookies and put €222 on the second horse in the second race of the day.. It was at 2.22!"

"That all sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"?

"He came second".

Last year a guy took his Blonde girl friend to the Superbowl

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the

tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't

understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you

mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...



'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'

I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"

Some friends wanted to get married at the public library, but they couldn't...

Because it was booked.

​

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\-My Pops

My friend was bragging his new 3D printer can print a gun.

I wasn't impressed, I've had a Canon printer for years!

I have a friend who always subtly mentions that he went to MIT

I simply hate his behavior. He'd somehow figure out a way to drop it into a conversation just to let people know he's an MIT alumni.

He's always been like this. Even when we were in college together.

«I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him busy in church for an hour after service for me?»

Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike asks the minister all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, and he asked me to keep you occupied."

The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a fatherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You should hurry home now. My wife died a year ago."

Death: Jack! Your time is up. I'll take you now.

Jack: Not today please, I have a lot more to do.

Death: Oh no, you're the first on the list to die.

Jack: Alright, I'll finish what I'm doing first. Even better, I'll make you some coffee while you wait. And after I'm done, we can leave.

(Jack put sleeping pills in the coffee and when Death fell asleep, Jack erased his name and placed it at the end of the list)

Death: Woah! My friend, I slept well. You're a good person Jack, you treated me very well. Because of that, I'll just start with the last one on the list.

I can't remember the name of that Italian dessert where you pour espresso over ice cream.

I asked my Italian friend, but he couldn't remember either.

My daughter brought a friend from school and she said his great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later

I was impressed and asked: "Does he know how his so many greats grandfather lived for so long?"

My daughter answered: "It's because of my friend's stutter."

A scrawny teenage boy asks his muscular friend how he gets so many girls to sleep with him.

The muscular friend says, "Here's what you do: next time there's a party, get a large potato and stick it down your pants and act normal. You'll see - that'll turn you into a chick magnet."

A minute later, all the girls at the party run away from the scrawny kid, screaming and laughing and pointing.

The muscular friend sees this and comes over to his scrawny friend. "Dude," he says. "You have to put the potato in the front."

A guy is camping and finds his buddy standing over an outhouse toilet about to drop a $50 bill down the hole.

What on earth are you doing? he asks his buddy.

His friend replies I was taking a dump and a $10 bill fell out of my pocket and went down the hole…… and I sure as hell ain't going down there for ten bucks .

A 60 year old billionaire walks into a bar with his gorgeous 25 year old wife

Friend: How did she marry you?

Billionaire: I lied about my age

Friend: You said 45?

Billionaire: No! I said 90!

A friend of mine has been collecting magazines for 10 years.

That guy has a lot of issues.

My friend claims there's no word for excrement produced by male cattle.

I think that's bullshit.

Twenty years ago, my friend made a website where you compare getting high from different drugs.

It was the original trip advisor.

My short friend has been trying to hide the fact they changed their gender AND had a kid

Personally, I think they're a little transparent.

My friend in a wheelchair got mad at me.

He texted me "I cant stand you"

I said "Use punctuation, its 'I cant stand, you?' "

My friend was wondering if he should explore his kinks about masochism and boxing

I said knock yourself out.

My friend moved to North Korea and I asked him how it was

He said he couldn't complain

I am not sure if my friend is lying about him scaling the top of Mount Everest.

I think…… he made it up.