fridays Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious fridays puns

I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday.

All Fridays matter.

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My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week.

My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.

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what kind of meat does a priest eat on fridays?

Nun.

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I went to a restaurant last night where none of the food was real; it was all just special effects.

CGI Fridays.

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Fridays!!

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowingin despair, he has his first meeting with The Devil.
The Devil: Why so sad?
Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.
The Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here... Do you drink?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
The Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, brandy, rum, tequila, beer...we drink until we throw up and then we drink some more! It doesn't matter because you're already dead!
Guy: That sounds great.
The Devil: Do you smoke?
Guy: Yes.
The Devil: You're going to love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer - who cares! You're already dead!
Guy: Wow!
The Devil: Do you gamble?.
Guy: I do.
The Devil: Wednesdays you can gamble all youwant...blackjack, roulette, poker, whatever... If you lose yourshirt...who cares!
Guy: Amazing!
The Devil: You into drugs?
Guy: You don't mean...
The Devil: Yes, Thursdays are drug days. Help yourself toa great all the drugs that your want! Who cares... you're dead!
Guy: I never realized Hell was such a swinging place!!!
The Devil: Are you gay?
Guy: No.
The Devil: Ooooh - you're gonna hate Fridays..

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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.

**She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.**






Source: The furthest source I could track this anecdote back to was Henny Youngman

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A joke my dad told me when I was young

Timmy went to school every day. On Fridays, his teacher would ask a question and whoever got it right would be excused from school for a week.

One Friday the students were in class at the end of the day and the teacher asks the question. "How many grains of sand are there on the entire earth?"

"But mam, how are we supposed to know that?" The students respond.

"Well I guess I'll see you all Monday!"

The next week on Friday she gets the classes attention to ask another question. "How many pints of water are there on this entire earth?"

"Come on mam, that's not fair! How are we supposed to know that?"

"Well, I guess I'll see you on Monday!"

Timmy gets so mad and he comes up with an idea. Next Friday, Timmy brings 2 big bowling balls.

In class the teacher gets ready to ask. "So this weeks question is..." And Timmy rolls the balls to the front of the class. She sees them and says "Who's the comedian with the big black balls?"

"Bill Cosby, see you in a week!"

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An idiot moves to a very religious catholic neighborhood.

This particular idiot loved to eat chicken, so he grilled it every day. Now, on Fridays, the people of his neighborhood would get irritated that someone was eating meat when they had to abstain, so they took it up with their pastor. Their pastor then went to the idiot, and told him about the message of christ, and was able to convert him, spraying him with water saying, "you were born sick, you were raised sick, but now you are CHRISTIAN!". The idiots neighbors left him alone thinking that was that, but come Friday, and he's still grilling chicken when he should be abstaining. So they began to spy on him to see how he could justify such an act, and they saw him spritz his chicken with holy water, saying "you were born chicken, you were raised chicken, but now, you are FISH!"


idk if this is a repost, but my dad told me this joke as a kid, and I thought it was funny.

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What's the worst thing about Fridays?

Realizing it's only Tuesday.

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Russian joke

Boss gathers his employees for all-hands meeting. He says, "Alright people, we aren't getting anything done, productivity is nil, let's try new routine. On mondays, we're gonna to rest up after weekend. On tuesdays, we're gonna gear up for work. On wednesdays, we're gonna work. On thursdays, we're gonna rest up from working. And fridays we're gonna gear up for weekend. Any questions?"

After moment, guy in back raises hand. "So how long is this bullshit with wednesdays gonna go on for?"

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A new lieutenant in the French foreign legion ...

Arrives at an isolated base in Algeria. As a corporal shows him his quarters, he asks the corporal "the base is rather isolated, what do the men do for female companionship?" The corporal replies "on Fridays, they let us use the camels" the lieutenant is disgusted, but says nothing. After a few weeks, however, the new officer is very lonely. He decides that if everyone else is doing it, why shouldn't he? The next Friday, the young lieutenant slinks over to the camel pens, and after looking around, drops his pants and starts humping a female camel. The camel is not amused and makes a huge uproar. The same corporal comes to investigate "lieutenant! What the hell do you think you are doing?!" "Come on man," replied the embarrassed officer "you yourself told me that we could use the camels on Fridays." "Yes, sir" replied the corporal "but we usually just ride 'em into town"

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Marriage secret

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

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The day after Thanksgiving is often the biggest capitalist/materialistic shopping day every year. I'm protesting it this year, and had to think of the movement's slogan...

Black Fridays Matter.

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Two ladies meet at the prenatal care unit...

Two pregnant ladies meet at the prenatal care unit. They quickly hit it off and can't wait to start hanging out. They have ladies nights on Mondays, double dates with their husbands on Wednesdays, but on Fridays they decided to learn Karate. The instructor at the dojo reluctantly accepts, against the advice of his understudy.

Go figure, two weeks in, both ladies have their water break. The instructor tells his understudy,

"quick, call my Optometrist!"

The understudy responds, "What? No, I should call for an ambulance. Why would I call your Optometrist at a time like this?"

"Because my pupils are dilating!"

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My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food.

She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

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A couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary.

When they were asked what their secret was to a long lasting marriage they said:

"We take the time to go out to a restaurant two times a week. A candlelight dinner, soft music and a slow walk home. She goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays."

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After 30 years of marriage, people always ask, "What's the secret of keeping the romance alive?" I always tell them...

We go to the same romantic restaurant every week, twice a week...

I go on Tuesday. She goes on Fridays.

Credit - Henny Youngman

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On Fridays I'm usually in bed by ten pm....

And home by midnight!

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A guy asked me what's my deal?

I told him 2 for 1 on Fridays

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I think it's only fair the week after Black Friday be called White Friday

And then with the remaining Fridays before the next Black Friday, you can have fifty shades of grey.

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Every weekend I say to myself "Eric you should really stop drinking so much wine on Fridays"

Luckily for me I'm not named Eric

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Why do physicists have such a hard time figuring out why their experiments fail Monday through Thursday?

Causal fridays.

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My parent's secret to a happy marriage is to go out for dinner twice a week.

My dad picked Fridays and my mom Mondays.

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American, English and Russian governments...

American, English and Russian governments passed laws about mandatory raping of every citizen on Saturdays.
Americans made a revolution, Brits reelected their parliament and Russians began queing on Fridays evening not to waste the whole weekend.

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Why is there so much segregation today?

All Fridays Matter

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What happens when the producer of Law & Order has to share apartment 3d with a former game show host?

Dick Wolf & Ben Stein star in "Wolf and Stein 3d", Fridays at 8 (7:00 Central) ONLY on NBC.

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What are the hottest days at the equator?

Fridays and Sundays.

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He always writes these things on Fridays...

My neighbors journal says I have Boundary Issues

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What was Jesus never thankful for?

Fridays.

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Lollypops

On Fridays our school sells lollypops in the cafeteria. I bought 22 so that I can be sick and not have to come to school tomorrow! Works every time.

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Give a man a fish, and he'll ask for a lemon; teach a man to fish and he'll leave work early on Fridays.

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How are a Catholic chruch and strip club alike?

Both smell like fish on Fridays.

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You really think jobs don't racially discriminate?

Only 1 in 52 Fridays are black.

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It's ok to eat meat on Fridays during lent!

As long as you burn the hell out of it...

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What kind of music does Lenny Kravitz listen to on Fridays?

Black Sabbath.

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What are the most funny Fridays jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Fridays? Well, here are the best Fridays dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Fridays pick up lines to share with friends.

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