friday Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious friday stories

What are the best friday puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Friday? Well here is a complete list of the top friday jokes:

I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday.

All Fridays matter.

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I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!

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Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian calendar

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A little boy calls his best friend on Christmas day...

HEY! So what did you get for Christmas? The second little boy pauses and says well I got a gift card and a t-shirt…you?

The first little boy excitedly replies Oh man, I got a new scooter, a new 3DS XL. A PS Vita. A new bike and were going to Disneyland on Friday. Can't believe all you got was a gift card and t-shirt! to which the second little boy replies well…at least I don't have cancer…

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Twerk

1. To dance using predominantly your bum, usually sexually.

2. Where people in Yorkshire go Monday to Friday

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I was in a London pub last Friday night

...and noticed two chubby women by the bar. They had very strong accents, so I asked,

"Are you two ladies from Scotland?" One of them turned to me and yelled,

"It's WALES you cunt!" I said,

"oh, I'm sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

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I took my Biology exam last Friday

I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

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A man goes to his doctor's office on a Friday and asks for him to triple his Viagra prescription.

The doctor asks why, and the man explains that his ex-wife, his current girlfriend, and an old flame will all be in town that weekend. The doctor says that it's against his better judgment, but reluctantly triples the prescription.
On Monday the man returns with his arm in a sling. The doctor jokingly asks if all three women met each other and the man replies: "None of them showed up."

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Terrible Dad Jokes

Share your best (worst) jokes that only a dad would tell their kid!

Kid: Dad, I'm thirsty.
Dad: Hi thirsty, I'm friday!

Two men walk into a bar. The bartender says "you can't eat your own food in here!" so they swapped sandwiches.

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Preacher goes to a party

A member of the church decided to call on his preacher to his house one Friday night. The preacher arrives to find a party in full swing.

On entering the house, he sees a circle of naked men with blindfolded women moving from man to man, fondling their genitals in an attempt to guess their identity.

The embarrassed preacher turns to the host and says, "I'm sorry, I don't think I fit in here."

"Nonsense," says the host. "Your name's been called three times already!"

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Asiana Airlines will be filing a lawsuit against KTVU for its inappropriate and racist names that were falsely broadcasted mid day Friday 7/12...

....said Asiana's attorney Wi Su Yu

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A lady gets on an elevator...

She says to the man standing there, "T-G-I-F!" to which the man replies, "S-H-I-T."
Taken aback the lady repeats, "T-G-I-F! Thank Goodness It's Friday!"
The man gives a smug grin and says, "Sorry Honey. It's Thursday."

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So a black man walks into a bar on a Friday night...

...and a woman approaches him and the two hit it off very well. After hours of flirting and dancing together they head back to the woman's apartment. The woman begins to undress and says, "Show me that it's true what they say about black men." So the black man stabs her, steals her purse and leaves.

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I was fired from work at school...

So, due to a minor defect at birth, I was born with Strabismus, and up until last Friday, I was happy performing my duties as a teacher.


Unfortunately, I was fired. My boss told me he couldn't have a teacher in his school that couldn't control his pupils.

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Boy should start having sex.

Son, a boy your age should start having sex. I want you to give it a try. Find someone at school and just go for it.

The next day:
Dad, dad, I fucked my teacher!
That's great son, but can you do it again?

Sure I can. And he does, again and again.
This goes on for the entire week.

On Friday Dad comes home with a gift. Son, I'm so proud of you that I bought you a new bike. Let's go for a ride.
I can't dad, my butt's too sore.

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TGIF...oh wait...SHIT!

A gentleman was on the elevator when a lady walks on. She says to the gentleman, TGIF. The gentleman replies, SHIT. The lady again says, TGIF. The gentleman again says, SHIT. The lady now frustrated says, TGIF. Thank god it's Friday. The gentleman says, SHIT. Sorry honey it's Thursday.

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Jenga Towers

At Highschool we have a test every week and my teacher lets the person with the highest score bring in their favourite board game. For years, my favourite game has been Jenga, the falling towers game.

So on friday the 8th in the first week of September I finally get the highest score and the teacher tells me I can bring in a board game on monday.

mfw I walk into class on 9/11 with Jenga and I'm a muslim...

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Truck Driver

Got in off the road last friday. Little neighbor boy was sittin' out on the curb with a bag of m&m's and an alley cat. He'd eat an M&M, reach down grab the cat and bite it, stand up and move about 3feet. Eat an M&M, bite the cat, move about 3Feet. I said "boy what are doin'? He said, "I'm playing truck driver." "What the hell you mean you're playing truck driver?" He said,"I'm popping pills, eating pussy and movin' on down the road."

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rural upbringin'

What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonald's on Friday night in Wisconsin?







Prom night.

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Sometimes I drink to cure my malaise.

If I get drunk this Friday because I am bummed about the end of the world, am I getting sauced because of Mayan-aise?

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This Friday millions of people will risk getting trampled to get the best seat on a car

This is commonly referred to as 'Rebecca Black Friday'.

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Good Friday / Easter Joke

So it's after the resurrection and boy is Jesus in the mood for some partying. He gets the disciples together and heads for the club!

They hit the dance floor, but something is wrong - Jesus just can't seem to get in groove with the music. He tries and tries, but finally yells out. . .

Help! I've risen and I can't get down!

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A coworker and I are having lunch on a Friday before a weekend in which he has big plans,...

..., and he's making a Facebook status update on his iPhone that says something along the lines of "Yeah! Weekend's here! Looking for some bitches that are DTF!".

Instantly, iPhone autocorrect changes DTF to STD. Coincidence, I think not.

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A large robot animal attacked The Home Depot on Friday.

Shoppers were frightened at the sight of the Stihl Behr.

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Jay and his donkey(sorry if it appears racist)

Jay is a black dude which makes him a "nigga". He owns a donkey which he takes to the beach every weekend to give kids donkey rides. Now every friday the kids come to the beach to find the " beach ass nigga"

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Fucks given

A local prostitute works her corner on a Friday.

Approximately eight fucks were given this day.

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Why should you commit an battery on Black Friday?

They are 30% off

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Why is it so hard to have a guys night out

Why it is hard to have a guys night out when you are in a relationship.Last Friday night I was invited with the boys for some fun. I told my wife I would be home by midnight,….I swear !!! Well the hours passed and the beers and shots went down to easily…around 2:30 am and a wee bit drunkin, I took a taxi home.
just as I got in the door…the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times…Quickly, realising my wife would probably wake up , I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her (even when totally hammered…3 cucckoos plus 9 = midnight !!!

Well the next morning my wife was in a good mood and she asked what time I got in….I said twelve Midnight….she didn't seem mad at all ( I was thinking I got away with one)….

then she said we need a new cuckoo clock…I then asked her why…and she said….well, last night our cuckoo clock cuckooed 3 times, then said oh $hit….cuckooed 4 times, cleared it's throat and cuckooed 3 more times…laughed and cuckooed twice more and the tripped over the coffee table and farted

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Drunk man refuses to pay bus fare.

On Friday night a drunk man gets on a bus. Bus driver tells him its $1.25 and the drunk reaches into his pocket slowly trying not to fall. The bus driver notices this and steps on the gas causing the drunk to fumble to the back of the bus. Then the bus driver steps on the break pedal and caused the drink to stumble to the front of the bus. The bus driver does this multiple time over the course of 10 blocks until the drunk tells him his stop is the next. The bus driver reminds him he still has to pay. The drunk says "what for? I walked the whole way!"

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Fridays!!

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowingin despair, he has his first meeting with The Devil.
The Devil: Why so sad?
Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.
The Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here... Do you drink?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
The Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, brandy, rum, tequila, beer...we drink until we throw up and then we drink some more! It doesn't matter because you're already dead!
Guy: That sounds great.
The Devil: Do you smoke?
Guy: Yes.
The Devil: You're going to love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer - who cares! You're already dead!
Guy: Wow!
The Devil: Do you gamble?.
Guy: I do.
The Devil: Wednesdays you can gamble all youwant...blackjack, roulette, poker, whatever... If you lose yourshirt...who cares!
Guy: Amazing!
The Devil: You into drugs?
Guy: You don't mean...
The Devil: Yes, Thursdays are drug days. Help yourself toa great all the drugs that your want! Who cares... you're dead!
Guy: I never realized Hell was such a swinging place!!!
The Devil: Are you gay?
Guy: No.
The Devil: Ooooh - you're gonna hate Fridays..

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Having sex with the teacher

Little johnny comes home from school on a friday afternoon and tells his mom he had sex with the teacher. Johnny's mom was very upset with him and sent him to his room with the warning his father would be home soon to discipline him. Johnny's father walks into his room and closes the door behind him. He says " Johnny, don't tell your mother this but I am VERY proud of you, you're just like your old man! First thing tomorrow morning we are going to the store so I can buy you a brand new bicycle" The following morning johnny and his father go to the store and buy a brand new bike. Johnny's father says " Go ahead son, you can ride your bike home I'll be alright walking by myself." Johnny refused to ride the bike and insisted on walking home with his father. Johnny's dad started to get upset thinking his son was ungrateful for the new bike he just bought him. He finally questioned johnny about why he didn't want to ride his bike home and he replied,

"My ass is still sore from having sex with the teacher"

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Consequences of taking off early from work

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead who all worked in the same office. Every Friday, their boss would leave the office early to go home. One day the brunette says, "You know, we should leave early too when our boss leaves next friday!" The other two eagerly agree and set a plan in motion.
Next Friday, after their boss leaves work early, the three leave work early too. The Brunette goes to a restaurant to have an early dinner. The redhead goes to a bar. And the blonde goes home. Upon walking through the door, the blonde hears noises coming from the bedroom she shares with her husband. She walks to the door and peeks inside to find her boss and her husband having sex. She closes the door, gets back in her car, and goes back to work, only to return home at her usual time. On Monday, the three friends get together to discuss their Friday adventures. The Brunette and the Redhead agree that they want to do it every Friday that their boss leaves.
The Blonde says, "No way! I almost got caught!"

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It was Friday night, and Bob was horny as all get out . . .

The problem was he only had ten dollars on him and wouldn't get paid till next week. So he goes to a brothel and pleads with the madam, "Look I swear I'm good for it! I'll come back next week and pay double!" Finally, the madam took pity on him. She led him to a room and opened the door. Sitting on the bed was a duck. "There," she said. "For ten bucks, that's the best I can let you have." Well ordinarily Bob would have refused. But that night he was so horny he felt he had to screw something or else go insane. So he proceeded to screw the duck - not a very pleasant experience, but how can you complain for ten bucks?
Next week Bob got paid and headed straight for the brothel, looking to get an actual woman for his money this time. But the madam informed him that all her girls were busy at the moment, but he could sit in the waiting room until one was available. So he goes into the room where several other men watching two women having sex on the TV.
"Hey," says Bob, "this is pretty good!"
"You think this is good, you should have been here last Friday," said one of the men. "Last Friday they were showing some freak screwing a duck!"

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A man decides to go camping...(DIRTY JOKE)

A man wakes up on a Friday morning, looks over at his wife and says
"wife, wake up, were going camping"

His wife rolls over and sits up in bed and says "Honey, you know I don't like bugs or being outside, I'm not going camping.

"Well" the man says, "I'll give you three choices, you can:
A - go camping
B - give me a blow job
C - take it in the ass
... so whats your choice"?

His wife says "I don't want to do any of those things"

The man says "I'm going out to the garage to pack up the truck, so you've got about 10 minutes to make up your mind.

After a while the man returns and asks "alright, so whats it going to be"?

His wife, says "I don't wanna do any of those things"

The man says "you have to choose one"

so she says "FINE! Ill give you a blow job"

so he drops his pants and she gets to business polishing his knob when all the sudden she freaks out and yells "WHAT THE FUCK? THIS TASTES LIKE SHIT!"

The husband calmly replies, "

"Yea, the dog didn't wanna go either"

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A little girl lives next to a construction site...

Every day she watches the builders making a new house next door, and she's so adorable, after a while they make her an honorary member of the team -- they give her a set of plastic tools to play with and she "helps" from her side of the fence.

Come Friday, all the guys get their pay packets and they make an extra one just for her with a couple of dollars in it.

She proudly takes her pay packet home to her parents.

Her mother says "That's nice, sweetie. And will the house be finished soon?".

The little girl says "Yes, if those cunts deliver the fucking bricks on time".

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There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins

There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!"Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you." 10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock... 12 o'clock... Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom.Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??" No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself." What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty." Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!"

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The trophy girlfriend

An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, No, I'd like to see something more special.

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought out another ring.

Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000β€³ the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man, seeing this, said, We'll take it.

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man said, By check, but I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon. he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. There's no money in that account.

I know, said the old man, But let me tell you about my weekend!!

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A man left work

one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye

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Is Black Friday bigger than all the other Fridays?

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I was diagnosed with testicular cancer and needed the surgery to remove my testes

On Friday, I was going to ask my boss for a raise so I could pay the hospital bills, but I didn't have the balls.

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Question for the Class

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little johny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

So Thursday night, little johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," little johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

Immediately, little johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"

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What do brunettes and red-heads do on Friday nights?

Make blonde jokes!

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First time sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to
meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and
make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he
takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the
boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and
all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house
and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come
on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
"I had no idea you were this religious."


The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your
father was the pharmacist!"

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A Father and his Son are walking down the condom aisle in the pharmacy...

The son notices that condoms are sold in different numbers per pack, so he asks his Dad why. The Dad replies, "Well, son, the 3 pack is for when you're in High School. One for Friday night, and two for Saturdays. The 6 pack is for when you're in College. Two for Thursday, two for Friday, and two for Saturday." The son asks, "What about the 12 pack? I bet that's really good." The Dad says, "Oh, the 12 pack is for when you're married. One for January, one for February..."

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a jew, a christian, and a muslim walk into a bar

a jew, a christian, and a muslim walk into a bar in the holyland

hey it could happen, just not on a friday, saturday or sunday

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Triple dose

A Man went to the doctor's office to ask for a Triple Dose of Viagra.

The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a triple dose.

'Why not?' asked the man.

'Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor.

'But I need it really bad,' said the man.

'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.

The man said, 'My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday,
my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home
on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.'

The doctor finally relented saying, 'All right, I'll give it to you,
but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you
to see if there are any side effects.'

On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor's
office...his right arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, 'Good gawd! What happened to you?'

The man said, 'No one showed up'.

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Does Halloween Fall on Friday the 13th for the First Time in 666 Years?

No it doesn't

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There was a Gay guy named Billy

Billy was dating a bisexual guy named Jordan. Recently, however, Jordan has started going to parties on Friday nights without inviting Billy. Billy, thinking that Jordan was ashamed of dating a guy, asks to go with him one day.

When they arrive at the bar, he notices that Jordan is not holding his hands like he usually does. When they walk in, a short, drunk blonde girl who wraps her arms around his waist. Jordan introduces the girl as Jean, who tells Billy that she's heard a lot about him. Billy wonders if he told her about their relationship and starts to get jealous. He tells Jordan that he's going to go home early.

Jordan follows him to the door and asks why he is leaving. Billy just says that he is not having fun and tells him to have fun with his "friend". Jordan realizes what this was all about and tells him that the girl was just someone he used to date. She recently had a child and he wanted to know whether the child was his or not.

Billy doesn't believe Jordan's story. He rolls his eyes and starts walking away again. However, Jordan stops him and looks him right in the eye. Then, he says, "Billy, Jean is not my lover. She's just some girl who said that I am the one. But the kid is not my son."

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A co-worker is selling her car...

She tells me, "The problem is my car has over 150,000 miles so no one will give me more than $6,000 for it, and I need at least $10,000 to get a new car."

I fill her in: "I have a friend who is a car mechanic. He can 'fix' your mileage issue. You'll have a new car in no time."

So I get her car on a Friday to give it to my buddy for the weekend. I get it back to her with only 75,000 miles on the odometer.

"Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!" she exclaimed.

"It was easy! So, how much are you going to sell it for?" I ask.

"Why would I sell it now? It only has 75,000 miles on it."

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A Blonde Jokes

Two blondes (let's call them Tina and Julie) are talking.

Tina: Did you know this New Year is on friday?

Julie: OMG, I hope it's not on the 13th.

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best friday jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about friday. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty friday gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these friday jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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