All Fridays matter.
Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
Almost on Thursday
Almost on Friday
Almost on Saturday
Almost on Sunday.!
The Gregorian calendar
My boss said, Clean our your desk, and I'll see you in the office on Monday.
and each was going on a date one Friday night.
The first daughters date showed up "Hi I'm Freddy here to pick up Betty to eat spaghetti, is she ready?"
Betty left with Freddy.
The second daughters date showed up "Hey I'm Joe here to pick up Flo to go to the show, is she ready to go?"
Flo left with Joe.
The third daughters date showed up "Hello I'm Chuck-"
The farmer shot chuck.
"Need help finding a size?" = Please stop fucking up my display
"I can put that back for you" = you're going to fuck up my display
"Let me hold your items for you" = So you dont leave this somewhere and fuck up a display
Gregorian Calendar.
Its mostly to drown out the voices on the bus; people saying things like, "You should be more responsible, you're the driver." I'm like, "You know what lady, I get your kids to school on time, Monday through Friday."
Save up to $2160 by not buying it
HEY! So what did you get for Christmas? The second little boy pauses and says well I got a gift card and a t-shirtβ¦you?
The first little boy excitedly replies Oh man, I got a new scooter, a new 3DS XL. A PS Vita. A new bike and were going to Disneyland on Friday. Can't believe all you got was a gift card and t-shirt! to which the second little boy replies wellβ¦at least I don't have cancerβ¦
Turns out the next day was a sadder day.
Almost on Sunday
Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
Almost on Thursday
Almost on Friday
And almost on Saturday
Wife: What are our plans for Easter?
Husband: I'll be like Jesus. Disappear on Friday and return on Sunday.
Wife: That's AWESOME. I'll be like Mary.
Husband: What do you mean?
Wife: I'll show up pregnant and untouched by my husband.
1. To dance using predominantly your bum, usually sexually.
2. Where people in Yorkshire go Monday to Friday
So I told her "The same thing Jesus did. Disappear on Friday and come back on Sunday."
Could have sworn we already gave them a whole month
A man was shocked to see his beautiful divorced neighbor knocking on his door one Friday evening. "I'm so horny that I can't stand it," she said. "I want to go out, get drunk and get laid. Are you free tonight?" "Yes" he replied enthusiastically. "Wonderful," she said. "Would you watch my kids?"
...and noticed two chubby women by the bar. They had very strong accents, so I asked,
"Are you two ladies from Scotland?" One of them turned to me and yelled,
"It's WALES you cunt!" I said,
"oh, I'm sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"
My bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn't been used at the liquor store since last friday ο»Ώ
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.
The trial is next Friday...
The doctor asks why, and the man explains that his ex-wife, his current girlfriend, and an old flame will all be in town that weekend. The doctor says that it's against his better judgment, but reluctantly triples the prescription.
On Monday the man returns with his arm in a sling. The doctor jokingly asks if all three women met each other and the man replies: "None of them showed up."
I never go out on Friday the 13th
I'm dreading it already
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.
He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.
The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.
The funeral was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.
Every day she watches the builders making a new house next door, and she's so adorable, after a while they make her an honorary member of the team -- they give her a set of plastic tools to play with and she "helps" from her side of the fence.
Come Friday, all the guys get their pay packets and they make an extra one just for her with a couple of dollars in it.
She proudly takes her pay packet home to her parents.
Her mother says "That's nice, sweetie. And will the house be finished soon?".
The little girl says "Yes, if those cunts deliver the fucking bricks on time".
Can't Wait To Have A Boy With The Cold Ones
A man goes to the pharmacist and asks for 3 1/2 Viagra pills.
The pharmacist is confused and asks why 3 1/2?
The man responds. "Well, Monday I am going to see my mistress and I need two. I need one for Wednesday with my wife. And on Friday, I am going to the sauna and it just needs to look presentable.
An 18-yr-old starts work as a pharmacist's assistant. The pharmacist is showing the new kid around the aisles when they stop at the condom display and the kid asks why they come in different quantities per package.
The pharmacist tells the noob that the 3-packs are for high school guy, who gets it on once on Friday night, once on Saturday and once on Sunday.
The 6-packs are for the more-experienced college guys, who do it twice each on Friday night, Saturday and Sunday.
So the kid says, "what about these 12-packs?"
The pharmacist replies "the 12-packs are for the guys who've been married for a long time - January, February, March..."
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English in three weeks.
After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class. I've recently started going to the pub and drink pints of Carling and every Friday I have fish&chips. My favourite football team is Manchester United. Beat that!"
The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you fucking paki cunt."
A man went to the doctor 's office to ask for a triple dosage of Viagra.
Doctor: I can't give you a triple dose.
Man: Why not?
Doctor: Because it's not safe.
Man: But I need it really bad.
Doctor: Well, why do you need it so badly?
Man: My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.
The doctor finally relented.
Doctor: All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.
On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor's office....his right arm in a sling.
Doctor: Good God! What happened to you?
Man: No one showed up.
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye
Little Johnny was in class when his teacher told the class that she would be introducing something new. Every Friday she would ask them a question and the quickest student to get it right would get the next Monday off school.
The first Friday she asks them 'how many blades of grass are there in the field?'
Of course no one puts their hand up.
The second Friday she asks them 'how many stars are there in the sky?'
Again no one puts their hand up.
Little Johnny, determined to get Monday off decides to prepare for next Friday.
He collects a bag of ping-pong balls and paints them black then takes them in for Friday's question.
That Friday the teacher finishes the last lesson and is about to ask the question when 20 black balls fly around the classroom.
Crossly she says 'who's the comedian with the black balls?'
Little Johnny replies 'Bill Cosby, see you on Tuesday!'
"That's a 3pack of condoms son for secondary school lads. 1 for Friday night, 1 for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday night."
"What about the 6pack dad?"
"Those are for University lads. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Satuday night and 2 for Sunday night."
"Well dad, what about the 12pack then?"
"Married men son. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March ..."
Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his furious wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days!?!"
"That would suit me just fine!!!"
Monday went by and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye..
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Friday? Well, here are the best Friday dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Friday pick up lines to share with friends.