The Best 103 Friday Jokes

I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday.

All Fridays matter.

Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian calendar

So a black man walks into a bar on a Friday night...

...and a woman approaches him and the two hit it off very well. After hours of flirting and dancing together they head back to the woman's apartment. The woman begins to undress and says, "Show me that it's true what they say about black men." So the black man stabs her, steals her purse and leaves.

A little boy calls his best friend on Christmas day...

HEY! So what did you get for Christmas? The second little boy pauses and says well I got a gift card and a t-shirt…you?

The first little boy excitedly replies Oh man, I got a new scooter, a new 3DS XL. A PS Vita. A new bike and were going to Disneyland on Friday. Can't believe all you got was a gift card and t-shirt! to which the second little boy replies well…at least I don't have cancer…

Jenga Towers

At Highschool we have a test every week and my teacher lets the person with the highest score bring in their favourite board game. For years, my favourite game has been Jenga, the falling towers game.

So on friday the 8th in the first week of September I finally get the highest score and the teacher tells me I can bring in a board game on monday.

mfw I walk into class on 9/11 with Jenga and I'm a muslim...

I was fired from work at school...

So, due to a minor defect at birth, I was born with Strabismus, and up until last Friday, I was happy performing my duties as a teacher.

Unfortunately, I was fired. My boss told me he couldn't have a teacher in his school that couldn't control his pupils.

Preacher goes to a party

A member of the church decided to call on his preacher to his house one Friday night. The preacher arrives to find a party in full swing.

On entering the house, he sees a circle of naked men with blindfolded women moving from man to man, fondling their genitals in an attempt to guess their identity.

The embarrassed preacher turns to the host and says, "I'm sorry, I don't think I fit in here."

"Nonsense," says the host. "Your name's been called three times already!"

Asiana Airlines will be filing a lawsuit against KTVU for its inappropriate and racist names that were falsely broadcasted mid day Friday 7/12...

....said Asiana's attorney Wi Su Yu

I took my Biology exam last Friday

I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

My bank was worried

My bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn't been used at the liquor store since last friday 

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

Ahh, those were the days...

Do you guys want to hear about my Friday night?

I had quite an experience at home by myself. At one point I even picked my coat up from the floor. It was off the hook.

I had to cancel my dsylexics meeting tonight

I never go out on Friday the 13th

Looks like Black Friday started early in Ferguson

Why do they call it Black Friday?

Because the prices are so good you are practically stealing.

It's Black Friday, and I just got an iPhone 6 for my wife

I thought it was a good trade.

For the last time, I'm not racist!

I specifically called it African American Friday!

Father and son in supermarket. "Dad, what are these?"

"That's a 3pack of condoms son for secondary school lads. 1 for Friday night, 1 for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday night."

"What about the 6pack dad?"

"Those are for University lads. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Satuday night and 2 for Sunday night."

"Well dad, what about the 12pack then?"

"Married men son. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March ..."

COUNTING CONDOMS

A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"
Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."
Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"
Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."
Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"
Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."

I bought some shoes from my pill dealer on Friday.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all weekend.

Summer was especially good this year in Canada... If I recall correctly it was a friday

Handed in an assignment late today, looks like my teacher is giving black Friday deals too.

50% off

Come to my apartment on black friday and get all your clothes 100% off.

Bob forgot his wedding anniversary....

His wife was mad. She said "Tomorrow morning there better be a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds!" The next morning there was a box, gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob's been missing since Friday.

And on Good Friday, I'm once again reminded that I'm a lonely virgin.

Even Jesus got nailed today.

My mom asked me what I was doing for Easter ...

I said, "Same as Jesus. Going out on Friday and coming back Sunday"

I don't worry about Friday the 13th.

It's bad luck to be superstitious.

Misty's boss says to her: "You've been late to work for 5 days straight! You know what this means, don't you?" .....

...to which Misty replied "I SURE do! It means today must be FRIDAY!!!"

Two men are sitting at a bar....

The first man tells his buddy, "I saw my boss being beaten up by 3 guys when I was leaving here last Friday."

The second man says, "Did you help?"

The first man replies, "Nope, they seemed like they were doing a good job."

A man asks his wife on a Friday evening...

Husband: Shall we have a nice weekend?

Wife: Sure, why not?

Husband: Ok then, see you on Monday!

What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonald's on Friday night in Iowa?

Prom

A friend of mine died last friday, while drinking his martini

It's on that day I learnt an important lesson:

Though laughter is the best medicine, in certain situations the Heimlich maneuver may be more appropriate.

Never understood the point of black friday

Could have sworn we already gave them a whole month

Nothing ruins a Friday more...

...than realizing that today is Tuesday.

What did Melania Trump have on her Black Friday shopping list?

A copy of everything Michelle Obama had on her list

Fidel Castro just passed away...

...I suppose Black Friday was too MUCH capitalism for him.

Why do the riot police like to go to Black Friday early?

So they can beat the crowd

I thought Friday was a sad day...

Turns out the next day was a sadder day.

What are we doing for Easter?

Wife: What are our plans for Easter?

Husband: I'll be like Jesus. Disappear on Friday and return on Sunday.

Wife: That's AWESOME. I'll be like Mary.

Husband: What do you mean?

Wife: I'll show up pregnant and untouched by my husband.

It's Friday, And I'm A Vampire.

Can't Wait To Have A Boy With The Cold Ones

Guys-- I finally got laid- !

... Off from work.

My last day is Friday.

Did you know that this week is National Diarrhea Week?

It runs from today until the end Friday...

Why do cops love going to Black Friday early?

So they can beat the crowd

We're having a Jamaican themed hair day at work this Friday

I'm dreading it already

I have sex almost every day

Almost on Sunday
Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
Almost on Thursday
Almost on Friday
And almost on Saturday

My Jewish boss offered me Friday and Monday off work if I convert.

So it's four days off or foreskin on.

Black Friday sale on Star Wars Battlefront 2

Save up to $2160 by not buying it

Do you know why they call it Black Friday?

Everything is 3/5 the price!

Black Friday is a scam

You should be mad they overcharge you 364 days a year

Why do Mormons get married on Black Friday?

Because they get 2 for 1.

Kid asks is paw why do these condoms come in 3 packs?

Father: Those are for highschool boys son. One for Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

Son: Then what is this 6 pack for?

Father: Those are for college men! 2 for Friday 2 for Saturday and 2 for Sunday!

Son: WOW!! And the 12 pack of condoms?

Father: Sigh.... Those are for married men. One for January.... One for February..... One for...

Earlier today I told my Christian friend to Have a Good Friday. He didn't catch my pun.

I'm not surprised. Jokes like this usually Pass Over his head.

The worst thing about Friday the 13th

Is monday the 16th

What is a caveman's favourite thing to do on a Friday night?

Go clubbing.

Why are Saturday and Sunday the strongest days of the week?

Because Monday through Friday are weekdays.

I said "Hi" to a feminist yesterday.

The trial is next Friday...

I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.

My boss said, Clean our your desk, and I'll see you in the office on Monday.

This snow is really bad here, it has been snowing since Friday, all my wife has done is stare through the kitchen window.

If it gets any worse I might have to let her in.

wife: can you to give me a ring for our wedding anniversary

husband: sure , why not

wife: can you give it to me like a surprise when i'm at work, i want everyone to know.

husband: sure

wife: on Friday morning we have a huge meeting and everyone at work will be there. i think that would be a good time .

husband: sure. keep your phone in full volume

On Monday, Hitler told 1 lie.

On Tuesday, he again told 1 lie.

On Wednesday, he told 2 lies.

On Thursday, 3.

On Friday, 5.

On Saturday, 8.

And on Sunday, Hitler told 13 lies.

That is the fibber-Nazi sequence.

A man goes to a fortune teller to see his future.

The fortune teller says: "Oh, I see that on Friday, your wife will die."
"I already know that," replies the man, "what I need to know is whether I will be arrested..."

Great Easter joke I heard today

**Wife:** "What are your plans for Easter?"

**Husband**: "Same as Jesus."

**Wife**: "What do you mean?"

**Husband**: "I will disappear on Friday and and reappear on Monday."

**Wife**: "AWESOME, if you do that I'll do the same as Mary."

**Husband**: "What do you mean?"

**Wife**: "Show up pregnant, untouched by my husband"

​

Husband stayed home all Easter.

Friday was a sad day.

The next day was a sadder day.

Your essays should be like a girls skirt

Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting and on the desk by Friday midnight.

A Canadian walks into a restaurant...

He orders some fish, and the waitress asks, "how would you like your fish cooked?"

He replies, "Friday."

I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

Friday afternoon I'm walking home from school

and I'm watching some men build a new house. The guy hammering the house called me a paranoid little weirdo. In Morse code.

"Did you know that Christmas day falls on a Friday this year?" said one blonde to another.

"Oh dear!!" her friend replied, "I hope it's not the 13th?"

A Muslim boy once asked his father: "why is it that Jews can't work on Saturday, Christians can't work on Sunday, but Muslims work on their holy day Friday?"

The dad looked down at his son and said, "God didn't need to force us to take a break because in His infinite wisdom He knew we'd never work that much to begin with."

My girl and I decided never to go to sleep angry at each other.

We've been awake since Friday.

Friends, just a reminder to those who received a book from me at Christmas...

They are due back in the library this Friday.

To everyone who received a book from me for Christmas.

They're due back in the library this Friday, cheers.

After 30 years of marriage, I'm tells my envious friends that I still get sex almost every day..

Friends: no way!

Me: yup! Almost on a Monday.. almost on a Tuesday.. almost on a Wednesday.. almost on a Thursday, almost on a Friday, almost on a Saturday and almost on a Sunday!

In terms of money, I'm set for life!

Provided I die next Friday

The 4 rules of plumbing

Payday is Friday

Shit flows downhill

The boss is an ass

Don't chew your fingernails

Walstreet is gonna lose $70 billion this Friday according to AP news. How much did it cost redditors?

tree fiddy

A woman gets on an Elevator with a Man

The Woman says "TGIF"
So the man says "SHIT"
The woman again says "TGIF"
And again the man says "SHIT"
So finally the woman explains TGIF means Thank God Its Friday
And the man says SHIT means Sorry Honey Its Thursday

I found 20 quid outside the supermarket and I felt a little bit guilty as I picked it up, so because it's Good Friday I thought to myself, What would Jesus do? .

So I turned it into wine...

What did Roman say on Good Friday?

"Nailed it."

Rumour has it...

Rumour has it that Jesus got so hammered on Good Friday that he didn't wake up for 3 days.

(Easter Joke... Nailed it.)

If you think Friday is a sad day, I've got some bad news for you.

Tomorrow is Sadder Day.

Wembley Tickets- England v Scotland Friday 18th June 2021 Kick off 8pm

One of my best friends has two spare tickets in a corporate box for the England v Scotland game. They were £300 each but he didn't realise they are on the same day as his Covid 19 postponed wedding.

If you are interested he is looking for someone to take his place!

It is at Manchester registry office at 2pm. The brides name is Nicola, she is 28, 5f 6 tall, a bit of a looker and a good cook.

Due to the lack of space, the city morgue and the comedy club will be in the same building

This Friday is open Mike night.

Superstition

I was trimming my nails when my Grandfather said with a sigh "You should not cut your nails on Thursdays".
I had never adhered to these superstition but out of curiosity I asked, "What happens when I cut my nails on Thursday?"
He explained, "You see the weekend starts tomorrow Friday, Saturday and Sunday. It's difficult to open the beer cans and the Lays packs without the nails."

Moral: Some superstitions do have a scientific basis!

A young, extremely perky woman gets into an elevator with an older man...

The woman smiles broadly and says, "TGIF"!

The man slowly turns to her and deadpans, "S.h.i.t."

The woman, thinking that he didn't hear her, slowly repeats "T.G.I.F."

He simply responds, "S.h.i.t.", just as slowly.

Exasperated, she laughs and says, "TGIF stands for Thank God It's Friday!, Silly!"

The man replies, "I know that but Sorry Honey, It's Thursday."

A blonde and a brunette are in a car.

Brunette: Christmas is on a Friday this year.

Blonde: I hope it's not the 13th.

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Friday night?

Tell them a joke on Monday.

My final work dad joke

I always include a dad joke on the schedule for my employees (which this sub helps out with when I can't think of one, thank you). Next Friday is my last day, and this is the last schedule I'm sending to them. We work in a bookstore, and my final, cringe inducing joke to them is:

After careful consideration, I've decided to leave my job at the bookstore.
_It's time to turn the page to a new chapter in my life_

Pretty bad even by my standards, but it felt right.

A guy came home to his best friend and wife in bed

He pulled out a .45, shot both of 'em

Next morning, his friend went down to the jail

He said, "Fred, don't take it so hard"

He said, "It could have been worse"

He said, "What you mean, it could have been worse?"

He said, "Man, two people dead. I might get the electric chair. You tell me it could have been worse?"

He said, "Yeah, baby. It could have been worse."

He said, "What you mean?"

He said, "Hell, if you'd have came Thursday instead of Friday, you'd have gotten me too"

Next week is diarrhea awareness week.

Runs until Friday.

Place Value

This is not so much of a joke as an amusing true story.

I was teaching math to some first graders, and we had been discussing place value for the past week.

It was Friday and I had been explaining that a 1 in the one's place is worth 1, but a 1 in the ten's place was worth 10.

So, I said to the class, "Six....seven....eight....nine....................ten. One, zero. Now what does that mean."

A young fellow in the back of the room raised his hand and said, "The end of the easy numbers."

What's the worst thing that can happen on Friday?

You realize it's Thursday.

Bob forget his wife's wedding anniversary

His wife was mad and demanded that there be something in the driveway the next morning that will go 0-200 in 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE.

So the next morning comes around and there was a massive box in the driveway.

His wife unwrapped the present excited, to find a set of bathroom scales.

Bob hasn't been seen since last Friday.

Why did Saturday and Sunday win the body-building competition?

Because Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday are week days.

I have a friend from Vietnam I talk to every Friday night

I got to know him really well, he was fascinated with America and had really good English (and a good sense of humor) he told me I don't know what that American Dream is, but I know the European Dream is no America.

"Drive that thing like you stole it!"

One Friday night, when I was a teenager getting ready to go out, my Dad handed me the car keys and said, "Have fun, son. And remember. Drive that thing like you stole it!"

Upset, my Mom immediately asked why he would say such a reckless thing to his teenager.

To which my Dad replied, "Trust me, Sweetie. If he stole a car, he'd be driving the speed limit, using his turn signals, stopping at red lights, and heading home as soon as possible to avoid the attention of the cops."

Why did the Japanese name a car Datsun?

The Japanese built a new car but they could not agree on a name. They knew the Germans were really good at naming cars so they called them up on Friday and told them they need a name by Monday. The Germans said Dat soon?!

Diarrhoea Awareness Week starts on Monday

Runs until Friday.