fresh Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious fresh puns

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral

But not my Sister.

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As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.

She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

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Gordon Ramsay walks into a bar...

... and asks for a glass of water with ice. Once his drink is served, he looks at the bartender and asks: "What did you use to make the ice cubes?"

Bartender: "Water."

Ramsay: "Fresh?"

Bartender: "No, frozen."

Ramsay: "Oh for fuck's sake."

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The Silent Fart

An old couple were sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.

She leaned across to her husband and whispered, "I've just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He said, "I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid."

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She : Your dick is probably the size of a Tic-Tac.

Me : Well no wonder your moms breath is so fresh.

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[NSFW] I like to wait outside hospitals

Because I like my MILFs fresh.

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An Englishman, an Scotchman, and an Irishman walk into a bar...

They each order a beer. The barkeep brings them each a beer, and there happens to be a fly in each one. The Englishmen, a bit put off, says "Sir there's a fly in my beer, I'll need a fresh one please." The Scotchman, undeterred shrugs and says "I won't be letting a fly ruin me enjoying my beer!" and he chugs his. The Irishman is enraged and grabs the fly by the wings and yells "SPIT IT OUT YE BASTARD!"

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A salesman knocks on the door and a little boy answers...

he's drinking his father's favorite scotch and smoking a fresh cigar while wearing his mother's favorite bedsheets as a toga.

"Are your parents home?" asked the salesman.

to which the boy replied, "Does it fucking look like it?"

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FRESH HARAMBE OF BELL AIR....

In west Cincinnati I was born and raised on the zoo grounds is where I spent most of my days,Chillin out hangin out acting all cool, eating bananas out by the pool When a mom and her kid, they were up to no good, crawled over the fence into my neighborhood,I got in one little fight and my zoo keeper got scared, heard a gunshot just before I stopped breathing air.......

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A fresh artist exhibits his work for the first time...

... and a well known art critic is in attendance.

The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"

"Yes, " says the artist.

"It's worthless," says the critic

The artist replies, "*I know*, but tell me anyway."

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YO momma so nasty...

She pours salt water down her pants to keep the crabs fresh.

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Why did the rapper go to Whole Foods?

He heard they had fresh beets.

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What do freshly pregnant teenagers and their babies share?

They both think, Mom's probably going to kill me

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I like my (wo)men like I like my coffee...

...hot, black, and strong
^(possibly the original)

...thin, pale, and extra-sweet.

...50% alcohol.

...all over my genitals while I'm trying to drive.

...I don't like coffee.

...imported from micronesia.

...free, fresh and in the breakroom.

...huge and cheap with room for cream.

...cold, bitter, expensive and Italian.

...in a plastic cup.
^(eddie izzard)

...ground up, roasted, and quickly disposed of.

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What's the best thing about being a cannibal in a coma ward?

Fresh vegetables.

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A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket.

One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.

Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.

Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

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How do you find Will Smith in the Snow?

I don't know. Just look for the Fresh prints! Ha ha.

He's also black.

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Dough Boy

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.

The funeral was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...

...they each order a pint. The Englishman gets his beer, looks at it and sees a fly in it. He immediately pushes the drink aside and demands a fresh pint. The Scotsman gets his drink and there's a fly in his. He calmly picks the fly out, flicks it aside and enjoys his drink. Finally, the Irishman gets his drink and there's a fly in his. He pulls it out, holds it by the wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you thief!"

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An old priest goes golfing

An old priest goes golfing one sunny afternoon with a young priest fresh out of seminar. The old priest carefully places his ball on the tee, concentrates, and strikes beautifully. However, the wind blows the ball off course and it falls into the rough.

"That goddamn wind!" says the old priest. The young priest turns to him, horrified.

"Sir, you shouldn't swear like this... Remember, God said unto Moses *Thou shalt not take the name of Lord thy God in vain.*"

The old priest mumbles a half-hearted excuse and shuffles off to find his ball. He positions himself, checks his grip on the club, and strikes. The ball heads straight toward the hole... then gets blown off course again.

"That GODDAMN wind!" yells the old priest.

The young priest grows pale. "Sir," he pleads, "you really shouldn't swear like this." But the old priest is already walking toward the brush where his ball landed.

He reaches it, and strikes it a third time. The ball gets blown off course yet again and lands right in the middle of a pond.

"THAT GODDAMN WIND!!" screams the priest, throwing his club away in a fit.

"Sir," the young priest begins, but then there is a mighty flash in the heavens, and the young priest is struck dead by lightning.

The old priest falls to his knees. "God," he asks, "why did you smite this poor young man instead of me?"

A booming voice echoes through the sky : "That goddamn wind..."

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[nsfw] You missed a spot

One morning, a couple woke up horny so they decided to 69. The husband forgot he had a dentist appointment, so he ran to brush his teeth and use mouth wash. He felt super fresh and confident as he sat down in the exam chair. As the dentist leans in to do his work, he shoots back and asks the patient, "did you 69 this morning?!" The man looked surprised and asked "how did you know? Does my mouth smell like pussy?" The dentist replied "No, but your forehead smells like shit."

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Strange music

In Vienna, the great composer Mr. Beethoven had recently died and been buried in the city cemetery, with much mourning by the Viennese citizens.

A few nights after the burial, the town drunk is stumbling on his way home through the cemetery. All of a sudden he hears some very strange-sounding music wafting up from Beethoven's fresh burial plot. Terrified, the man runs through the streets, screaming about ghosts in the graveyard.

Pretty soon he's gathered quite a crowd around the grave, all muttering to each other about devils and ghosts. Finally one man makes his way to the front of the crowd, squats down by the grave, and listens.

"Why... that's Beethoven's Ninth Sympony, but... it's playing backwards!" He listens some more. "There's his Eighth Symphony, also backwards! ... And the seventh.... sixth..."

Finally he stands up and addresses the crowd. "My good people, you have nothing to fear. This is simply Mr. Beethoven decomposing."

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Three vampires just casually sitting on a bench at 02.00 am.

They all get hungry and the first one leaves them to find some fresh blood.
He returns after 30 minutes with some blood dripping from his chin.

Where have you been? The other two vampires ask.

Do you see that light over there? he asks them. Yes the others reply.

There's a crazy college party there, everybody drunk as fuck. Pretty easy for me to suck some blood out of the drunken college dudes

After a while the next vampire leaves the group and returns after 15 minutes with a lot of blood dripping from his mouth and chin.

Where have you been? The other two vampires ask.

Do you see that light over there? – Yes the others reply.

There's this huge wedding there, everybody drunk as fuck. It was really easy for me to suck some blood out of the groom and the guests.

The third vampire leaves the group and returns after 2 minutes, his face literally full of blood.

"Where have you been?"

Do you see that wall over there? – Yes the others reply.

Well I didn't see it

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A Mexican lying on his death bed

The sick Mexican was lying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when suddenly he smelled tamales. He loved tamales more than anything else in the world, especially his wife's tamales.
With every last bit of energy left in his body, the sick Mexican pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, down the hall, and into the kitchen. He saw that his wife was removing a fresh batch of tamales from the stove top. As he reached for one of the freshly made tamales, his wife smacked him in with a wooden spoon.

"Leave them alone, cabron, they're for the funeral."

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The Clairvoyant Bum (this happened to me in N.O.L.A.)

a homeless man walked up to me, and I expected the typical panhandling "gimme money" kind of line. He says "I bet you 5 dollars I know where you got those shoes." indicating with a knobby finger my fresh new Vans. I knew he wouldn't give me 5 dollars when i won this wager, but considering there was no way he knew my home town or venue of my recent purchase, i couldn't resist tempting him for the answer. "alright then, where?" The man responded through a crooked smile and jankety teeth "You got yo shoes, on yo feet. Gimme my 5 dollars!" i obliged

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The best joke I have heard in a long time

A lady walks into a grocery store looking for tomatoes and can't seem to find any, so she goes to ask a store clerk.

Lady: Excuse me, could you help me find some tomatoes?

Clerk: Sorry, but we are fresh out

Lady: You don't understand, I need these tomatoes, could you check in the back for me?

Clerk: I am sure we don't have any, but I will go look.

The clerk goes to the back and comes back.

Clerk: Sorry, there aren't any in the back

Lady: But you don't understand, I NEED these

Clerk: Lady, you're just not getting it. Let me explain it to you this way. What do you get when you take the "blue" out of blueberries?

Lady: Berries

Clerk: Okay, what do you get when you take the "Straw" out of strawberries?

Lady: Berries

Clerk: Now what do you get when you take the "fuck" out of tomatoes?

The lady pauses for a moment...

Lady: There's no fuck in tomatoes!

Clerk: That is what I have been trying to tell you!

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Chickens react to Easter Eggs

Some farmer's kids are painting eggs for Easter. One looks up and says, "Hey, how do you think the chickens would act around these?"

"I don't know," says the other. "Let's find out!"

They go into the chicken coop, steal the fresh eggs and replace them with the colorful eggs. The kids step out and watch.

The hens come in and nothing, they go about their business.

The rooster struts in, sees the eggs, and has a fit. He bursts out of the coop, storms across the farmyard, and beats the hell out of the peacock.

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A German, American and a Mexican gey captured by a tribe

An American, Mexican and German get captured by a tribe.

The Tribemaster says to the German: "Choose what we shall put on your back before we start whipping you."

The German has decided: "Pour fresh beer all over me!"

So thats what they did, and whipped the German untill he died.
Next they walk to the Mexican and ask the same question.

"I dont need anything." he says, proudly.
They keep whipping his back, but he endured everything.

And thats when they ask the same question to the American.

"What do you want on your back?"

The American responds "The Mexican."

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An Irishman is drinking whiskey at a bar...

It's closing time, and he's pretty drunk. He gets up to leave and...boom! Falls over and smacks into the floor. He tries to get up again, but only succeeds in losing his balance and falling back down. He thinks to himself "wow I'm more drunk than I thought, maybe if I could just get some fresh air and sober up a little". So he crawls his way to the door, throws it open, and crawls outside. He tries to get up again, no luck. "Ok, it's not too far, I'll just crawl home and sleep it off". So the Irishman crawls all the way home and passes out on his couch. The next morning he wakes up to his wife yelling at him "god damnet Seamus, the bar just called, you left your wheelchair there again!"

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How did Will Smith get caught for committing 1st degree murder?

He left fresh prints all over the scene.

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Would you mind....

A man was on a train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window.

After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."

"Listen, love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train."

He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.

The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles.

After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"

"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."

At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord.

The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha, ha, you'll get fined heavily for that!"

To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers."

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It was a quiet night...

...and a man fresh off of work decided to get a drink on his way home. Having gotten a recommendation from a coworker, he headed to a classy bar on the top floor of a nice hotel. To his surprise, there is only the bartender and one other patron sitting in the corner. He sits and orders a drink, keeping to himself. The man in the corner turns to the worker and says "Hey, you see that painting behind the bar there?" The worker looks over and replies that he does see it. "That's an original DaVinci y'know" says the man in the corner. "Well that's very rare indeed!" says the worker. "Mmmhm, and that stool you're sittin' on was recovered from the Titanic." The worker seems a little unsure of the other man, but nods and smiles in response. "And that window right there," says the man "is magic - if you jump out of it, you'll fall all the way down, stop an inch before the sidewalk, and float right back up to your seat". The worker scoffs and says "I might believe that painting's a DaVinci, I might even believe that this stool is from the Titanic, but there is no way that window is magical." So the man in the corner strides across the room and jumps out the window. A moment later, he floats right back up into his chair, totally unscathed! Convinced, the worker leaps out the window...falling to his death. The bartender turns to the man in the corner and says "Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

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Swish and swash the green tea.

A woman goes to the doctor looking all black and blue and says to the doctor: "Doctor! Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me black and blue!"

The doctor tells the lady: "Okay, I have the perfect solution! Take this green tea and whenever your husband comes home drunk, just put the green tea in your mouth and swish and swash it around until he is in bed and asleep."

The woman listens to the doctor and does exactly what he says.

Few weeks later, the woman returns to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. She says to the doctor, "Doctor! Your solution worked! How did you know it would work so well?"

The doctor replies, "See how much it helps when you shut your mouth?!"

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Why did the man smoke a cigarette in Beijing?

To get some fresh air

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Paratrooper initiation

After a fresh batch of paratroopers complete their first jump, some veterans take them out for a few rounds.

They're swapping stories and an old timer says: "Man, I remember the first time I jumped. Made the mistake of being the last one in line. Finally it's my turn, and I look down and freeze. The drill instructor leans in right behind me says, 'son, either you jump right now or I'm going to fuck you in the ass."

The veteran looks off wistfully and takes a pull off his beer.

A first-timer says, "Well, did you jump?"

"A little at first."

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What are the most funny Fresh jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Fresh? Well, here are the best Fresh dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Fresh pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes