Fresh Jokes

What are some Fresh jokes?

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral

But not my Sister.

As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.

She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

Gordon Ramsay walks into a bar...

... and asks for a glass of water with ice. Once his drink is served, he looks at the bartender and asks: "What did you use to make the ice cubes?"

Bartender: "Water."

Ramsay: "Fresh?"

Bartender: "No, frozen."

Ramsay: "Oh for fuck's sake."

The Silent Fart

An old couple were sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.

She leaned across to her husband and whispered, "I've just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He said, "I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid."

[NSFW] I like to wait outside hospitals

Because I like my MILFs fresh.

FRESH HARAMBE OF BELL AIR....

In west Cincinnati I was born and raised on the zoo grounds is where I spent most of my days,Chillin out hangin out acting all cool, eating bananas out by the pool When a mom and her kid, they were up to no good, crawled over the fence into my neighborhood,I got in one little fight and my zoo keeper got scared, heard a gunshot just before I stopped breathing air.......

YO momma so nasty...

She pours salt water down her pants to keep the crabs fresh.

Why did the rapper go to Whole Foods?

He heard they had fresh beets.

What do freshly pregnant teenagers and their babies share?

They both think, Mom's probably going to kill me

I like my (wo)men like I like my coffee...

...hot, black, and strong
^(possibly the original)

...thin, pale, and extra-sweet.

...50% alcohol.

...all over my genitals while I'm trying to drive.

...I don't like coffee.

...imported from micronesia.

...free, fresh and in the breakroom.

...huge and cheap with room for cream.

...cold, bitter, expensive and Italian.

...in a plastic cup.
^(eddie izzard)

...ground up, roasted, and quickly disposed of.

What's the best thing about being a cannibal in a coma ward?

Fresh vegetables.

A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket.

One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.

Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.

Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

How do you find Will Smith in the Snow?

I don't know. Just look for the Fresh prints! Ha ha.

He's also black.

Dough Boy

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.

The funeral was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...

...they each order a pint. The Englishman gets his beer, looks at it and sees a fly in it. He immediately pushes the drink aside and demands a fresh pint. The Scotsman gets his drink and there's a fly in his. He calmly picks the fly out, flicks it aside and enjoys his drink. Finally, the Irishman gets his drink and there's a fly in his. He pulls it out, holds it by the wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you thief!"

Strange music

In Vienna, the great composer Mr. Beethoven had recently died and been buried in the city cemetery, with much mourning by the Viennese citizens.

A few nights after the burial, the town drunk is stumbling on his way home through the cemetery. All of a sudden he hears some very strange-sounding music wafting up from Beethoven's fresh burial plot. Terrified, the man runs through the streets, screaming about ghosts in the graveyard.

Pretty soon he's gathered quite a crowd around the grave, all muttering to each other about devils and ghosts. Finally one man makes his way to the front of the crowd, squats down by the grave, and listens.

"Why... that's Beethoven's Ninth Sympony, but... it's playing backwards!" He listens some more. "There's his Eighth Symphony, also backwards! ... And the seventh.... sixth..."

Finally he stands up and addresses the crowd. "My good people, you have nothing to fear. This is simply Mr. Beethoven decomposing."

A Mexican lying on his death bed

The sick Mexican was lying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when suddenly he smelled tamales. He loved tamales more than anything else in the world, especially his wife's tamales.
With every last bit of energy left in his body, the sick Mexican pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, down the hall, and into the kitchen. He saw that his wife was removing a fresh batch of tamales from the stove top. As he reached for one of the freshly made tamales, his wife smacked him in with a wooden spoon.

"Leave them alone, cabron, they're for the funeral."

A German, American and a Mexican gey captured by a tribe

An American, Mexican and German get captured by a tribe.

The Tribemaster says to the German: "Choose what we shall put on your back before we start whipping you."

The German has decided: "Pour fresh beer all over me!"

So thats what they did, and whipped the German untill he died.
Next they walk to the Mexican and ask the same question.

"I dont need anything." he says, proudly.
They keep whipping his back, but he endured everything.

And thats when they ask the same question to the American.

"What do you want on your back?"

The American responds "The Mexican."

An Irishman is drinking whiskey at a bar...

It's closing time, and he's pretty drunk. He gets up to leave and...boom! Falls over and smacks into the floor. He tries to get up again, but only succeeds in losing his balance and falling back down. He thinks to himself "wow I'm more drunk than I thought, maybe if I could just get some fresh air and sober up a little". So he crawls his way to the door, throws it open, and crawls outside. He tries to get up again, no luck. "Ok, it's not too far, I'll just crawl home and sleep it off". So the Irishman crawls all the way home and passes out on his couch. The next morning he wakes up to his wife yelling at him "god damnet Seamus, the bar just called, you left your wheelchair there again!"

How did Will Smith get caught for committing 1st degree murder?

He left fresh prints all over the scene.

Swish and swash the green tea.

A woman goes to the doctor looking all black and blue and says to the doctor: "Doctor! Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me black and blue!"

The doctor tells the lady: "Okay, I have the perfect solution! Take this green tea and whenever your husband comes home drunk, just put the green tea in your mouth and swish and swash it around until he is in bed and asleep."

The woman listens to the doctor and does exactly what he says.

Few weeks later, the woman returns to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. She says to the doctor, "Doctor! Your solution worked! How did you know it would work so well?"

The doctor replies, "See how much it helps when you shut your mouth?!"

Why did the man smoke a cigarette in Beijing?

To get some fresh air

A guy gets a job at a fruit stand

His first ever customer walks up to him and asks "how much is a pound of apples?" "I don't know." says the guy "let me call my manager." He calls the manager and the manager says "Your supposed to say '25 cents,sir'."

When the guy gets off the phone he sees that the first customer has already left, but another customer is there. The second customer asks
"how much for a pound of apples?" and the cashier replies "25 cents, sir." "Are they fresh?" he asks. "I don't know. Let me call my manager" the cashier says again. The manager tells him the correct response is "Yes! very fresh".

The second customer is also gone by the time the phone call is finished, but a third one shows up. The third customer asks "How much would it cost for a pound of apples?" "25 cents, sir" says the worker. " "Are they fresh?" asks the customer."Yes! very fresh." says the worker
"Should I buy them?" asks the customer. "I don't know. Let me ask my manager." says the worker. The manager is angry now and explains very slowly "Just say '25 cents sir' 'Yes very fresh' and 'if you don't somebody else will'."

The vendor finds this easy enough and if confident now. A burglar comes up to the stand with a gun and says "GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY!". The vendor calmly replies "25 cents, sir." "ARE YOU BEING FRESH WITH ME?" screams the burglar. "Yes very fresh" says the vendor. "DO YOU WANT ME TO SHOOT YOU RIGHT NOW?" yells the burglar. "If you don't then somebody else will"

Why are hospitals allways so cold?

To keep the vegetables fresh.

The cast of the Matrix was having a barbeque

The seafood was fresh off the grill. Keanu Reeves tasted it and exclaimed "What is this! It's like charcoal!"

The cook turned and said "What if I told you...that's why they call me Laurence Fishburne"

^I'll ^see ^myself ^out

Fresh and Funny!

Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk?

Oh Harry, that would be lovely!

Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don't know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same clerk. The way he interacted with me also changed, giving me little smile's and sometimes a wink.

All of a sudden it hit me, and I felt embarrassed by what he was probably thinking. The next time I went in I also grabbed a jar of Vaseline; hopefully I fixed this before he spread any rumours about me being a vegan.

This is probably the worst joke that I -a dad - ever told. But it still made my daughter laugh.

My wife, teenage daughter and I are sitting in a restaurant discussing Italian cuisine.

Wife: There's nothing better than fresh gnocchi.

Me: There's nothing better than getting fresh and gnocching someone up.

A Freshman Seminar Professor Was Trying To Wow His Students

He told them, "In the English Language, a double negative equals a positive. For example, I didn't not do it equals I did it. But no double positive in English equals a negative."

A student in the back shouted, "YEAH, RIGHT!"

Two bats are hanging in their cave.

One turns to the other and says, "Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."

The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it's a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die." "Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it."

So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.

"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.

"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.

"Yeah, I think I do!"

"Well, I didn't."

Job interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

A Vampire died and was in the process of being reincarnated...

They asked him, "What would you like to have in your next lifetime?"

"Drinking blood is good but I don't like hunting, ideally I'd like to have a easy supply of fresh blood."
"Alright."

"I also like turning into a bat and flying, so let me retain wings.", he said.
"Noted."


"One last thing, my dark complexion seems to scare people too much, can I turn into something white?"
"Sure thing."


**Poof**

He became a maxi pad.

When I joined the army to fight the cannibals, I was a fresh recruit.

But by the end I was a seasoned veteran

3 brewery presidents walk into a bar...

3 brewery presidents walk into a bar. One from Corona, Coors and Guinness.

The president from Corona says to the bartender, "Give me a Corona, the best Mexico has to offer" and the bartender hands him one.

Next, the Coors president orders a Coors saying "Hand me the only beer in the world made with water fresh from the Colorado Rockies."

Then the Guinness president walks up to the bar and orders a Coca Cola. The bartender, a bit taken aback, hands him what he orders.

The other brewery presidents turn to him and say, "Why didn't you order a Guinness?" He replies, "Well, i figured if you guys weren't ordering beers, why should I?"

A long time ago, a father, visiting America from Europe for...

...the very first time, went up and down the aisles with his son-in-law at the local store.

He constantly asked questions about products he saw: "Vas diss? Powdered orange juice?"

"Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh 'orange juice.'"

A few minutes later, in a different aisle: "Und vas dis? Powdered milk?"

"Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh milk!"

A few minutes later, in a different aisle: "Und give a look here! Baby Powder! Vat a country, vat a country!"

Bob goes to the doctor...

Bob goes to the doctor for tests and is
diagnosed with an extremely rare illness that
can only be cured if he drinks a quantity of
fresh mother's milk. When he gets home, he asks his mother, but she just tells him not to be daft. Then his mother tells him that the girl upstairs has just given birth and the husband is away at sea, so he should go up and ask her nicely. The girl is just about to go to bed when Bob arrives, but she agrees to his request and, with a mischievous smile, invites him through to the bedroom. "You can't get it any fresher," she says, presenting her left breast to his lips. Bob feels a bit awkward, but he is only following doctor's orders after all. As he slurps at his medication, he hears a few soft moans and sighs. She gently pulls his head away from her breast, looks at him and murmurs, "Is there anything else I could offer you?" Overwhelmed by her generosity, he wipes his lips and says, . . . . . . . "Well, a biscuit would be very nice."

What does one strawberry say to the other?

"Well, if you hadn't been so fresh last night, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam!"

Starting salary.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

So drunk he can't stand up

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.

When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"

"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.

"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."

---------

A joke my father told me.

I haven't seen it here yet so I hope its fresh;

A new inmate spends his first night in prison and after things quiet down for the night, he hears someone from one of the upper floors call out. "THIRTY SEVEN!" he shouts. An uproar of laughter fills the prison.

The new inmate is somewhat confused. After the laughter dies down another man calls out "FORTY THREE!". The prison fills with even more laughter then before. This continues for a few minutes till the inmate asks his cellmate what is going on.

"Oh that, yeah everyone here loves jokes, but the we only know so many. After a while we just assigned all the jokes numbers so we don't have to repeat the whole thing every time."


Satisfied with this response the the new inmate goes to bed.

The next night at about the same time it starts up again. "TWENTY NINE!" is shouted and followed by laughter. After a few more the new inmate decides that he wants to try. He remembers that forty three got a pretty good response last night, so after getting the courage he waits for the laughter of the last joke to die down. He inhales deeply and shouts "FORTY THREE!".

Silence.

He is shocked and a little upset. He turns to his cellmate "Why didn't they laugh?" he asks in disappointed confusion. To which his cellmate replied

"Its not just the joke, its how you tell it."

Salary

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

A British vampire walks inside a bar...

The bartender offers him a glass of fresh blood but he refused. Instead, the vampire just asked for a cup of warm water. The bartender asked him why to which the vampire replied, "Well, I found some used tampons earlier. I'm just going to make some tea."

A teacher calls up her first grade class from recess

She she says to little Sally
-"Sally, what did you do at recess?"
-"I played in the sand box"
-"If you can spell the word "sand" I'll give you a fresh baked cookie"
So she spells it and enjoys a cookie
Then comes in Jimmy so the teacher says
-"Jimmy, what did you do at recess?"
-"I played in the sandbox with Sally"
-"If you can spell "box" I'll give you a fresh baked cookie"
So he spells it and enjoys a cookie
Then Tyrone comes in
-"Tyrone, what did you do at recess"
-"Sally and Jimmy threw rocks at me!"
-"wow that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell "blatant racial discrimination" I'll give you a fresh baked cookie"

I've finally finished my fresh herb cookbook

It's about thyme

Are you kidding?

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

If fresh noodles are noodles, what are expired noodles called?

Oldles.

I have a new recipe that's gluten free, sugar free, no-fat, non-GMO, pesticide free, low-calorie, vegan, kosher and paleo-friendly.

It's a real breath of fresh air.

The new supermarket

A new supermarket just opened up nearby.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and
smell fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is
the scent of freshly mowed hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled
steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and
cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon
and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked
bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore, though.

Drunken Irishman

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

A new Supermarket opened near me.....

A new supermarket opened near my house.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

And, just before the mister turns on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying on the stove.

The veggie department features the smell of freshly buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore

Two cannibals...

capture a fresh man. They begin eating him. One cannibal starts at the head and the other starts at the feet.
Ten minutes later the one at the head asks the other,"how are you doing?"
The other says, "oh I'm having a ball!"
And the other says "well you eat too fast."

How do Hogwarts students keep their breathe fresh?

enchant mints

$125,000

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

The owner of Bell Incorporated has just died...

The first in line to receive the inheritance is the owner's son, who gladly accepts it. However, the company lawyer says that he needs to take a photo of him for legal purposes. After developing the photo, he sends it off to the employees in the company to announce their new boss. He says "Here's the fresh prints of Bell heir".

Reaching the end of a job interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it.

Some day in Berlin

Yussel Rabinowitz and his wife Bessie were hiding from the Nazis in a secluded Berlin basement.

One day Yussel decided to get a breath of fresh air, but while out walking he came face to face with Adolf Hitler himself. The German leader pulled out a gun and pointed to a pile of horse-shit in the street.

All right, Jew! he shouted, Eat that or I'll kill you.
Trembling, Yussel did as he was ordered. Hitler began laughing so hard that he dropped his gun.

Yussel grabbed it and said, Now you eat, or I'll shoot!
The fuhrer got down on his hands and knees and began eating. While he was occupied, Yussel sneaked away and ran back to his basement. He slammed the door shut, bolted and locked it securely.

Bessie, Bessie! he shouted. Guess who I had lunch with today!

Drinking Again

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.
The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his
face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air
and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
Again, he fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to
stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright,
but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep
as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning
to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look,
and intent on bluffing it out he said,
"What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called;
you left your wheelchair there again."

An insect falls into a mug of beer

Englishman : Throws his mug away and walks out.

American : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer.

Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away.

Indian : Sells the beer to the American, insect to the Chinese and gets a fresh beer for himself.

Pakistani : Accuses the Indian of putting the insect in his beer, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for Military aid and gets a loan from the American to buy another beer. He then moves to England and claims benefits.

Engineer searching for a job

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

You know how to find Will Smith in the snow, don't you?

Just look for the fresh prints.

Where y'all from?

Two freshmen girls are moving into their dorm room together.

One of them's from Georgia, one of them's from Connecticut.

The girl from Connecticut's helping her mother put up curtains.

Girl from Georgia turns to them and says, "Hi. Where y'all from?"

Girl from Connecticut says, "We're from a place where we know not to end a sentence with a preposition."

The girl from Georgia says, "Oh, beg my pardon. Where y'all from...cunt?"

Did you hear about the HVAC technicians who got into an argument?

At first it was heated, but they got some fresh air then things cooled off

How can you tell if a coin is fresh?

You can still smell the mint

I remember directing a play and I thought I'd spice it up a bit by adding a lesbian shower scene...

Some say I'm the fresh and bold thing that theatre needs, others that I ruined the nativity.

My grandpas joke

A man is hiring for an accounting position, and is conducting interviews for each of the hopefuls. The first accountant walks in and starts to introduce himself.

Accountant1: I'm here for ther job, I'm great at d-

Boss: what's 2+2?

Accountant1: 4

Boss: get out

Sad, disappointed, and a little confused, the accountant slowly leaves the office. Then a new, fresh accountant comes in.

Accountant2: hey I'm here for the-

Boss: what's 2+2?

Accountant2: 4

Boss: get out.

Just as confused as accountant1, number 2 leaves thinking that if the boss is that stupid he doesn't want to work there anyways. On the way out, a new accountant walks into the office.

Accountant3: hi, I'm here for the ne-

Boss: what's 2+2?

Accountant3: anything you want it to be.

Boss: you're hired.

An Irishman drinks at the pub until they close.

An Irishman drinks at the pub until they close.

He stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time and falls again. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Outside, he tries to stand up and falls flat again. He gives up and crawls the four blocks to his house, crawls up the stairs and pulls himself into bed.

The next morning, his wife stands over him shouting, "So, you've been out boozing again!"

"What makes you say that?" he asks, putting on an innocent face.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

"Wow! Are you kidding?"

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Indian Restaurant

I went to an Indian restaurant. The waiter brought out a basket of stale flatbread before realizing his mistake and bringing a fresh one. I would have complained, but it was a naan-issue.

Horrible Accident

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

How to catch a bear

First, you dig a big hole in the ground out in the woods and you fill it to the top with ash.

Second, place fresh peas all around the hole.

Then when the bear comes up to take a pea you kick him in the ash hole.

Big Chief, No fart.

In a small Native community the Medicine Man is making a potion when Big Chief of the Tribe who is suffering from severe constipation walks in and says

"Big Chief No Fart"

The Medicine man Gives him a Potion from the shelf. Big Chief walks away.

The next day Big Chief walks in again and says

"Big Chief No Fart"

The medicine man this time prepares a fresh potion and gives it to Big Chief, Big Chief walks away.

The following day Big Chief walks into the medicine man's hut in severe stomach pain and crying he says.

"Big Chief No Fart!"

This time the medicine man starts to throw every ingredient he has, including eye of newt into the pot. and gives Big Chief the potion. Big chief walks away.

five minutes later Big Chief's Wife runs into the medicine man's hut yelling.

"Big Fart, No Chief!"

What did the one strawberry say to the other?

If you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!

A zombie walks into a bar.

Bartender: We don't serve zombies around here!

Zombie: That's fine. Is the human fresh?

Vampire Joke

A vampire bat came flapping in from a night of foraging, covered in fresh blood. He parked himself on the cave's roof to get some sleep. Soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to shut up and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. OK, follow me. He flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. Do you see that tree over there? YES, YES, YES!! the bats all screamed in a frenzy. Well I didn t!

My all time favorite joke that my dad told me: The Unfaithful Husband and His Snails

This married couple decided to stay in one night instead of going out to eat, and so the wife looks at the husband and says, Sweetheart, I feel like escargo tonight. Can you go get some fresh snails?" So the husband agrees and takes a bucket over to the beach to find some snails. Just as he put the last snail in his bucket, he saw these gorgeous women looking in his direction, so he decided to go and say hello. After much flirting, they girls invited him back to their apartment, to which of course he obliged. They end up having the wildest craziest sex imaginable, all three of them. But the husband looked up and realized he'd been gone for hours and it was almost dinner time and he hadn't even brought back the snails! So he grabbed his bucket of snails and ran back home, not stopping the entire way. Just as he made his way up the stairs to his house, he tripped on the last step and the snails went flying everywhere just as his wife opened the door. Before she could ask where he had been all day, the husband got down on his hands and knees and says to the snails, C'mon little guys, we're almost there! You can make it!"

Sex is like the ocean.

And I'm a fresh water fish.

A husband and wife...

A husband and wife are in their bedroom together. The wife, fresh out of the shower, is standing in front of the mirror and says "I'm old, fat and depressed. I need a compliment." The husband thinks for a second and says "You have amazing eyesight!"

Trip to the Doctor

Earlier today I was at the doctors office for my yearly physical but my regular Doctor was out. So in walks this beautiful blonde Doctor with the most amazing body... needless to say I was a little taken aback. She said she was fresh out of Medical School and had recently joined my regular Doctors practice. Halfway through my physical, she told me that I would need to stop masturbating, when I asked "why?" she replied: "I'm not done giving you the physical".

Starting salary

Reaching the end of an extensive job interview, the HR person asked a young Engineer fresh out of college, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineering graduate said, "In the range of $100,000 - 125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The HR person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a brand new BMW?"

The engineering graduate sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

How to make Fresh jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Fresh to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Fresh? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Fresh pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes