The Best 80 Fresh Jokes

Following is our collection of funniest Fresh jokes. There are some fresh aroma jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these fresh gnocchi puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Fresh Jokes and Puns

If fresh noodles are noodles, what are expired noodles called?

Oldles.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...

...they each order a pint. The Englishman gets his beer, looks at it and sees a fly in it. He immediately pushes the drink aside and demands a fresh pint. The Scotsman gets his drink and there's a fly in his. He calmly picks the fly out, flicks it aside and enjoys his drink. Finally, the Irishman gets his drink and there's a fly in his. He pulls it out, holds it by the wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you thief!"

YO momma so nasty...

She pours salt water down her pants to keep the crabs fresh.

Fresh joke, YO momma so nasty...

The Silent Fart

An old couple were sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.

She leaned across to her husband and whispered, "I've just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He said, "I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid."

Trip to the Doctor

Earlier today I was at the doctors office for my yearly physical but my regular Doctor was out. So in walks this beautiful blonde Doctor with the most amazing body... needless to say I was a little taken aback. She said she was fresh out of Medical School and had recently joined my regular Doctors practice. Halfway through my physical, she told me that I would need to stop masturbating, when I asked "why?" she replied: "I'm not done giving you the physical".


Two cannibals...

capture a fresh man. They begin eating him. One cannibal starts at the head and the other starts at the feet.
Ten minutes later the one at the head asks the other,"how are you doing?"
The other says, "oh I'm having a ball!"
And the other says "well you eat too fast."

What does one strawberry say to the other?

"Well, if you hadn't been so fresh last night, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam!"

Fresh joke, What does one strawberry say to the other?

I remember directing a play and I thought I'd spice it up a bit by adding a lesbian shower scene...

Some say I'm the fresh and bold thing that theatre needs, others that I ruined the nativity.

A Vampire died and was in the process of being reincarnated...

They asked him, "What would you like to have in your next lifetime?"

"Drinking blood is good but I don't like hunting, ideally I'd like to have a easy supply of fresh blood."
"Alright."

"I also like turning into a bat and flying, so let me retain wings.", he said.
"Noted."

"One last thing, my dark complexion seems to scare people too much, can I turn into something white?"
"Sure thing."

**Poof**

He became a maxi pad.

Dough Boy

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.

The funeral was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.

I've finally finished my fresh herb cookbook

It's about thyme

You can explore fresh veggie reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean fresh yummy dad jokes. There are also fresh puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Strange music

In Vienna, the great composer Mr. Beethoven had recently died and been buried in the city cemetery, with much mourning by the Viennese citizens.

A few nights after the burial, the town drunk is stumbling on his way home through the cemetery. All of a sudden he hears some very strange-sounding music wafting up from Beethoven's fresh burial plot. Terrified, the man runs through the streets, screaming about ghosts in the graveyard.

Pretty soon he's gathered quite a crowd around the grave, all muttering to each other about devils and ghosts. Finally one man makes his way to the front of the crowd, squats down by the grave, and listens.

"Why... that's Beethoven's Ninth Sympony, but... it's playing backwards!" He listens some more. "There's his Eighth Symphony, also backwards! ... And the seventh.... sixth..."

Finally he stands up and addresses the crowd. "My good people, you have nothing to fear. This is simply Mr. Beethoven decomposing."

I like my (wo)men like I like my coffee...

...hot, black, and strong
^(possibly the original)

...thin, pale, and extra-sweet.

...50% alcohol.

...all over my genitals while I'm trying to drive.

...I don't like coffee.

...imported from micronesia.

...free, fresh and in the breakroom.

...huge and cheap with room for cream.

...cold, bitter, expensive and Italian.

...in a plastic cup.
^(eddie izzard)

...ground up, roasted, and quickly disposed of.

A husband and wife...

A husband and wife are in their bedroom together. The wife, fresh out of the shower, is standing in front of the mirror and says "I'm old, fat and depressed. I need a compliment." The husband thinks for a second and says "You have amazing eyesight!"

Why did the rapper go to Whole Foods?

He heard they had fresh beets.

What's the best part about drinking fresh milk?

The perplexed and horrified look on my wife's face when she wakes up

Fresh joke, What's the best part about drinking fresh milk?

Indian Restaurant

I went to an Indian restaurant. The waiter brought out a basket of stale flatbread before realizing his mistake and bringing a fresh one. I would have complained, but it was a naan-issue.

The cast of the Matrix was having a barbeque

The seafood was fresh off the grill. Keanu Reeves tasted it and exclaimed "What is this! It's like charcoal!"

The cook turned and said "What if I told you...that's why they call me Laurence Fishburne"

^I'll ^see ^myself ^out

Smoking is actually a good thing for me

Look how often I have to go outside into the fresh air


How did Will Smith get caught for committing 1st degree murder?

He left fresh prints all over the scene.

This is probably the worst joke that I -a dad - ever told. But it still made my daughter laugh.

My wife, teenage daughter and I are sitting in a restaurant discussing Italian cuisine.

Wife: There's nothing better than fresh gnocchi.

Me: There's nothing better than getting fresh and gnocching someone up.

I fell face-first in fresh concrete the other day...

I wasn't worried though - my mom always said I'd make a good impression.

Why did the man smoke a cigarette in Beijing?

To get some fresh air

[NSFW] I like to wait outside hospitals

Because I like my MILFs fresh.

What does a fresh egg say when you try to hardboil it?

It'll take me about 20 minutes to get hard, I just got laid by some chick.

How do you find Will Smith in the Snow?

I don't know. Just look for the Fresh prints! Ha ha.

He's also black.

The Blonde Waitress

Customer: Can I have some coffee without cream please?

Blonde Waitress: We are fresh out of cream, sir. Can I bring you coffee without milk instead?

What's the best thing about being a cannibal in a coma ward?

Fresh vegetables.

As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.

She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

A British vampire walks inside a bar...

The bartender offers him a glass of fresh blood but he refused. Instead, the vampire just asked for a cup of warm water. The bartender asked him why to which the vampire replied, "Well, I found some used tampons earlier. I'm just going to make some tea."

What did the one strawberry say to the other?

If you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!

The owner of Bell Incorporated has just died...

The first in line to receive the inheritance is the owner's son, who gladly accepts it. However, the company lawyer says that he needs to take a photo of him for legal purposes. After developing the photo, he sends it off to the employees in the company to announce their new boss. He says "Here's the fresh prints of Bell heir".

Did you hear about the HVAC technicians who got into an argument?

At first it was heated, but they got some fresh air then things cooled off

FRESH HARAMBE OF BELL AIR....

In west Cincinnati I was born and raised on the zoo grounds is where I spent most of my days,Chillin out hangin out acting all cool, eating bananas out by the pool When a mom and her kid, they were up to no good, crawled over the fence into my neighborhood,I got in one little fight and my zoo keeper got scared, heard a gunshot just before I stopped breathing air.......

Vampires at the bar

Rich Vampire: I want a fresh blood from a healthy human!

Ordinary Vampire: Ordinary blood please!

Poor Vampire: Excuse me! Can you give me a hot water? I'll make tea instead. (pulls out tampon)

Gordon Ramsay walks into a bar...

... and asks for a glass of water with ice. Once his drink is served, he looks at the bartender and asks: "What did you use to make the ice cubes?"

Bartender: "Water."

Ramsay: "Fresh?"

Bartender: "No, frozen."

Ramsay: "Oh for fuck's sake."

Fresh and Funny!

Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk?

Oh Harry, that would be lovely!

Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral

But not my Sister.

A Freshman Seminar Professor Was Trying To Wow His Students

He told them, "In the English Language, a double negative equals a positive. For example, I didn't not do it equals I did it. But no double positive in English equals a negative."

A student in the back shouted, "YEAH, RIGHT!"

A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket.

One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.

Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.

Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

A Mexican lying on his death bed

The sick Mexican was lying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when suddenly he smelled tamales. He loved tamales more than anything else in the world, especially his wife's tamales.
With every last bit of energy left in his body, the sick Mexican pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, down the hall, and into the kitchen. He saw that his wife was removing a fresh batch of tamales from the stove top. As he reached for one of the freshly made tamales, his wife smacked him in with a wooden spoon.

"Leave them alone, cabron, they're for the funeral."

How to catch a bear

First, you dig a big hole in the ground out in the woods and you fill it to the top with ash.

Second, place fresh peas all around the hole.

Then when the bear comes up to take a pea you kick him in the ash hole.

I have a new recipe that's gluten free, sugar free, no-fat, non-GMO, pesticide free, low-calorie, vegan, kosher and paleo-friendly.

It's a real breath of fresh air.

Where y'all from?

Two freshmen girls are moving into their dorm room together.

One of them's from Georgia, one of them's from Connecticut.

The girl from Connecticut's helping her mother put up curtains.

Girl from Georgia turns to them and says, "Hi. Where y'all from?"

Girl from Connecticut says, "We're from a place where we know not to end a sentence with a preposition."

The girl from Georgia says, "Oh, beg my pardon. Where y'all from...cunt?"

What do freshly pregnant teenagers and their babies share?

They both think, Mom's probably going to kill me

When I joined the army to fight the cannibals, I was a fresh recruit.

But by the end I was a seasoned veteran

Why are hospitals allways so cold?

To keep the vegetables fresh.

How do Hogwarts students keep their breathe fresh?

enchant mints

Sex is like the ocean.

And I'm a fresh water fish.

How can you tell if a coin is fresh?

You can still smell the mint

A zombie walks into a bar.

Bartender: We don't serve zombies around here!

Zombie: That's fine. Is the human fresh?

I'm like a fine wine.

I was once fresh pickings and now I'm old, bottled up and a little fruity.'

You know how to find Will Smith in the snow, don't you?

Just look for the fresh prints.

The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…

Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful!"

Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!"

Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtably the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that!"

Autumn ~ *-leaves-*

How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm?

Look for the fresh prints

Good pickup line.

Two male flies are buzzing around the farmyard when they spot a female fly landing on a fresh pile of cow dung.
The one fly says, "Wow, she is cute! I'm going to try to talk to her, wish me luck."
He swoops down, lands right next to her and says, "Excuse me Miss, is this stool taken?"

Today marks 5 weeks of isolation...

I'm walking 2 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour. Eating fresh vegetables and home cooked meals every day. The change has been fantastic! I feel great!

Zero alcohol, a healthy diet, gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free and a 1 hour home workout each day! Lost 20 lbs and gained muscle mass. I've even cut my screen time in half and am reading a book a week.

I have no idea who wrote this, but I am really proud of them so I decided to copy and paste.

Being a freshman everyone always told me first year would go quickly...

but I didn't realise it would ZOOM

(im sorry)

Last night, in bed, my wife asked me to put fresh fish and herbs on her.

I said, "There's a thyme and a plaice for that sort of thing."

how can you find will smith in the snow?

look for fresh prints

It always irked my single mother that her grocery store didn't carry eggs in packages of sixβ€”just by the dozen.

Then one day, her wish came true. She walked into the grocery and found fresh eggs in cartons of six. I was so excited, she told us later, that I bought two!

Ground coffee

A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out.

He turns to the waiter and says, Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!

The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, But, sir, it's fresh ground!

What do you call a carrot that talks back to you?

A fresh vegetable.

Why do hospitals have AC?

Because they need to keep their vegetables fresh.

The original actor who played Captain Kirk tried to start a Star Trek themed line of women's lingerie.

But no one would invest in Shatner Panties.

(An oldie, but deserved a fresh posting)

A woman is preparing a dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.

The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell. His furious wife opens the door. 'Where the hell have you been?' she screams. The husband waves back to the snails, 'Come on, lads!' he shouts 'We're nearly there!'

Edward Carrington Marshal, the only son of John Marshall, who was the original owner of the famous Liberty Bell, was found dead.

Police suspect Will Smith, since his fresh prints were found on the bell heir.

Frank farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out.

He goes and sits outside the class and can't stop laughing. The principle walks by and sees him. He asks, Frank, why are you sitting outside your class laughing?"

I farted in class and the teacher threw me out. The principle asks him again, Well then, why are you laughing?

Because those idiots are sitting in the class smelling my fart while I'm outside in the fresh air."

A man walks into a seafood restaurant and was told they had Lobster Tails on offer for $1.

They must be small," he says.

"No, they're normal size," replies the waitress.

"Well they're old then."

"Fresh today," she answers.

"Then I'll have one," says the man, smiling.

The waitress takes him to table and he sits down.

"Once upon a time," she begins, "There was a big red lobster ..."

What's the best way to hunt Will Smith?

Look for the fresh prints

First I put in two tablespoons of fresh chopped basil. Then six or so grapes. Then half a banana. A little orange juice concentrate. Then some Metaright high protein paste.

Then she says "Letting you play with my anus was a mistake."

Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed Trump Sucks in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says Mr President, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is we've done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it's Mike Pence's. That traitor , shouts Trump. I'll have him hanged! Now, what did you say was the bad news? Well , says the SS chief, turns out it's Melania's handwriting .

I swear Grandma didn't send this to me on Facebook...

Doctor - so, what did you have for dinner last night?

Patient - I had a fruit salad.

D - only fruit salad? Well, that should help with your cholesterol. And strawberries are very high in...

P - well, it was mostly grapes.

D - mostly?

P - well, all grapes.

D - still, fresh grapes are...

P - they weren't overly fresh. Well, a little older, maybe. Fermented?

D - ...

P - Okay, wine. I had wine for dinner.

Recently a new supermarket opened nearby

It has an automatic water mist generator to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it starts the mist, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk section, you hear cows mooing and you get the scent of freshly cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg counter, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more…

Why could Will Smith never get away with murder?

First thing they look for at a crime scene is fresh prints.

Told the waitress my coffee tasted like mud.

"It should, it was fresh ground this morning. "

How do scientists keep their breath fresh?

Experamints

Two slices of bread are competing to see who would stay fresh the longest.

It ended in a stalemate.

A freshman is talking to the new girl in school. You'll like it here, he tells her. Everyone is pretty chill, the teachers are all nice, but the principal is kind of a moron.

Do you know who I am? the girl asks her new classmate. I'm the daughter of the principal.
The boy is silent and then asks her, Do you know who I am?
She shakes her head no. Good, says the boy as he walks away.

1980s European leaders Mitterrand, Brezhnev and Thatcher were flying around Europe in a helicopter, trying to recognize cities without seeing them.

Thatcher went first. She stuck her ear out the window and stated: "I can hear Big Ben chime. This is London!"

Next was Mitterrand. He stuck his nose out and stated: "I can smell fresh baguette. This is Paris!"

Last was Brezhnev. He stuck his hand out and yelped: "What... hey! Somebody stole my watch! This is Moscow."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the fresh gluten jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working fresh freshest piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes