frenchman Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious frenchman stories

What are the best Frenchman puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Frenchman? Well here is a complete list of Frenchman dad jokes:

What do you call a Frenchman that's been attacked by a bear?

Claude

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Four men are watching a juggler...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are watching a man do some juggling on the street. The juggler notices that the men can't see very well, and stands on some boxes.
"Can you all see me now?" He calls
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sรญ."
"Ja."

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What do you call a Frenchman that wears sandals?

Phillipe Floppe

Courtesy, my Neuroscience Prof.

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3 spies, a french one, a british one, and an italian one, are captured by al-qaeda...

the terrorists tie each of them up and put the brit and the italian in a locked room. they take the frenchman to a room for 6 hours, torturing information out of him. when they finish with him, they take the brit to the room, who lasts 12 hours. they finally take the italian into the room, but as much as they torture him, they cant get any information out of him.

the brit and the frenchman ask him how it goes and he says "i couldnt say anything." they ask him why and he says "my hands were tied!"

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An Frenchman, an Englishman, and an American are captured by cannibals.

As they are awaiting their fate they are approached by the cannibal chief.

"First we are going to kill you," the chief explained. "Then we will eat you. Then we will use your skin to make a canoe. But we are kind, so we will let you choose how you will die."

The Englishman said "I will die by the sword!" They gave him a sword and he screams "God save the Queen!" then he stabs himself in the gut.

The Frenchman says "I will die by the gun!" They give him a gun and he shouts "Vive la France!" And then shoots himself.

The American asked for a fork. The cannibals all start laughing, but figure this will be a good show so they give the American the fork.

As soon as he gets the fork in his hands the American starts stabbing himself all over, and screams: "Make a canoe out of this, you sons of bitches!"

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What did the Frenchman say to the Englishman

An Englishman is telling a joke to a Frenchman, he says what did the Frenchman say to the Englishman. The Frenchman says he doesn't know, but the Englishman insists that he guesses.

After a few frustrated guesses the Frenchman eventually caves in, annoyed that the Englishman doesn't seem to understand how jokes work.

'I give up'

The Englishman smiles and walks off.

[original joke I just made up, [f]irst time]

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A Frenchman, an Englishman, and an Italian have all been captured by the KGB

The KGB grab the Frenchman and take him away to be tortured. He holds out for a few hours, but eventually he cracks and tells them everything.

Next they grab the Englishman. He too manages to hold out for a few hours, but then he can't take the pain any more and tells them what they want to know.

The KGB finally comes for the Italian. The Englishman and the Frenchman wait for hours, wondering what has become of their friend. Finally, 12 hours later, the KGB dump a badly beaten Italian back in the cell. The Frenchman and Englishman both help him up, and ask him, "Why didn't you tell them, how did you hold out so long?"

The Italian replies, "I tried to tell them, I really did, but they wouldn't untie my hands!"

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A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Cornishman on an overseas flight.

After a few drinks, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."

When the Cornishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "and how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once me ansum," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

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An Englishman and a Frenchman are sitting opposite a beautiful young woman and her mother on a train going through the Alps

The train passes into a tunnel and the carriage is suddenly plunged into darkness. A short while later, everyone hears a loud *slap*, and a cry of *zut alors*! When the train emerges, the angry Frenchman is rubbing his cheek.

The older woman thinks: "That dirty Frenchman must have tried to touch my daughter while she couldn't see who it was!"

Her daughter thinks: "That dirty Frenchman must have a thing for older women, and tried to touch my mother while she couldn't see who it was!"

The Frenchman thinks: "That dirty Englishman must have tried to touch that beautiful young woman while she couldn't see who it was, but she mistook him for me!"

The Englishman thinks: "I can't wait for the next tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."

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Street Performance

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sรญ."
"Ja."

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The art of sex [NSFW]

An English man, French man and Irish man are discussing the art of sex.
The English man says "after I have sex with my wife i kiss her neck, she rises two feet off the bed with pleasure"
The Frenchman says "well, after I make love to my wife I kiss her from head to toe, whispering sweet nothings to her, and she rises 6 feet off the bed in pure ecstasy"
The Irish man says "well, after I bang my missus I get up, wipe my knob on the curtains and she hits the fucking roof!"

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A frenchman walks into a library

And asks the Librarian if he can checkout a book about War. The Librarian responds, "No, you'll lose it."

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an Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German

were watching an excellent street performer juggling. The street performing noticed the four gentlemens were having trouble seeing him, so he stood up on a crate and asked "can you see me now?".


The four men answered back "Yes" "Oui" "Si" "Ja"

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A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Soviet Russian

are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. The Frenchman says, "They must be French, they're naked and they're eating fruit."
The Englishman replies with, "Clearly they're English. Observe how politely the man is offering the woman the fruit."
The Russian then notes, "They are Russian of course. They have nothing to wear, nothing to eat, and they think they are in paradise."

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Frenchman in a hotel.

A french man calls the room service and asks for some "pepper".

"Well ... would you like some white pepper or black pepper?" asks the receptionist.

"Toilet pepper."

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman... (long joke)

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ghanaian, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, 2 Africans and you...
walk into a fine restaurant.


"I'm sorry," says the maรฎtre d', after scrutinizing the group, "but you can't come in here without a Thai."

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An American, an Frenchman, an Israeli, a Spaniard, and a German go to see a seminar

They show up late, and can only find seats in the back row. When the presenter notices them come in and take seats in the very back, he shouts to them, "Can you guys see me back there?"

They answered back in order, "Yes" "Oui" "Ken" "Si" "Ja"

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American

were arguing about the nationality of Adam and Eve.

"They must have been English,' declares the Englishman. 'Only a gentleman would share his last apple with a woman.'

'They were undoubtedly French,' says the Frenchman. 'Who else could seduce a woman so easily?'

'I think they were Russian,' says the American.

'After all, who else could walk around stark naked, feed on one apple between the two of them and think they were in paradise?'

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Four Europeans and a Juggler

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sรญ."
"Ja."

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A Frenchman, a Mexican, and an American are on a plane... (first joke, an old favorite of mine)

The pilot informs them that they lost an engine and must drop some weight. The frenchman throws a bottle of wine out the window, "we have way too much of this in my country." The Mexican throws out his drugs, "we have way too many of these in my country." The American quickly tosses the Mexican out.

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Why did the Frenchman not want two eggs?

Because one egg is un oeuf.

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A Frenchman, A Mexican, And an American are sitting in a train car together

The Mexican is eating a taco, Stops, And throws it out the window;The Frenchman asks, "Why did you do that?" The Mexican responds, "We have so many in my country, I just wanted to." So the Frenchman takes a croissant and throws it out the window, Saying, "We have too many of these." He then turns to the American and asks, "What do you have too many of in your country?" The American then throws the Mexican out the window.

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A Brit, a Frenchman, and a Russian are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in Eden.

The Frenchman says "they must be French, look at them, they are naked and eating fruit". The Brit says "No, they are English, look how politely the man offers the woman the fruit". The Russian says "You are both wrong, they are Russian. They have nothing to wear, nothing to eat, and think they are in paradise

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A Frenchman, a German, and an American were regulars at a bar

One day, the Frenchman decides that he is going to prove how much smarter the French are than Germans or Americans. So he goes digging in his backyard and finds traces of copper wiring 15ft deep. He smugly claims, "Ha! 300 years ago, my ancestors had a working telephone system!"

The German, not wanting to be outdone by the French, goes digging in his backyard and finds traces of copper wiring 25ft deep. He smugly claims, "Ha! 400 years ago, my ancestors had a working telephone system!"

The American, not wanting to be outdone by either the German or the French, goes digging in his backyard. He digs all day and night and finds nothing 40ft deep. The next day, he walks into the bar and smugly claims, "Ha! 500 years ago, my ancestors had already gone wireless!"

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A Frenchman, an American, and a blond get captured by a group of terrorists

The terrorists explain that they will be generous and allow the prisoners to choose their own method of execution.

The Frenchman is up first. He says "I am French and wish to stick with my heritage! I choose the guillotine!" They set up a guillotine and SLAM goes the blade. His head falls in to the basket and they carry off his body.

The American is up next. He says " I want to stick to my American traditions, I choose the electric chair." They rig up an electric chair and SLAM goes the switch. The chair shorted and caused a blackout in the facility, sparing the American.

"You are lucky, American. You have been spared by our God and may go free." So they let the American walk.

The blonde is up last. "Well," says the blonde, "The electric chair didn't work, so I guess I'll take the guillotine."

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What do you call a Frenchman shoving a baguette up your butt?

A pain in the ass.

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Four men are watching a street performer

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all standing watching a street performer juggle. The juggler notices that the four men have a poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you see me now?"

And they replied,
Yes.
Oui.
Sรญ.
Ja.

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As told by an Austrian engineer

Three engineers, a Brit, a Frenchman, and an Austrian, were found guilty of treason in a former colony. The sentence was death by guillotine, but the engineers were given a choice of receiving the penalty face-up, or face-down. The Brit chose face-up and the blade miraculously stopped inches short of his throat. This was seen as a sign from God, and the Brit was set free. The French engineer also chose face-up, and once again, the blade stopped inches from the throat. Again, a miracle, and the Frenchman was set free. The Austrian, not to be outdone, chose face-up, but just before the blade was released was heard to proclaim, "Wait a minute, I see the problem."

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer juggling. The juggler notices the four men have a very poor view, so he stands upon a large wooden box and calls out to them, "Can you see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sรญ."
"Ja."

(If you don't get it, read it out loud)

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What did the Frenchman yell on the roller coaster?

Yes!

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An Englishman, a Spaniard, a Frenchman, and a German...

An Englishman, a Spaniard, a Frenchman, and a German are watching a street performer do some amazing juggling, but they don't have a good view. The street performer then moves and asks them:
"Can you guys see me now?"

"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sรญ"
"Ja"

Hint: Say out loud with respective accents.

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A Jew, an Italian and a Frenchman last meal

Three men, a Frenchman, an Italian, and a Jew, were condemned to be executed.
Their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before the execution. They asked the Frenchman what he wanted. Give me some good French wine and French bread, he requested. So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him.
Next it was the Italian's turn. Give me a big plate of pasta, said the Italian. So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him.
Now it was the Jew's turn. I want a big bowl of strawberries, said the Jew. Strawberries?!! They aren't even in season! .
So, I'll waitโ€ฆ

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what do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope

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The suave Englishman at the breakfast table asked his sweetheart "Please pass the sugar, sugar!"

The debonair Frenchman asked his girl "Please pass the honey, honey!"
The American redneck, not to be outdone, yelled "Pass the pork, pig!"

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals.

The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be used.

Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry.

Your hair will be woven into clothing, for my people are naked.

Your bones will be ground up and made into medicine, for my people are sick.

Your skin will be stretched over canoe frames, for my people need transportation.

We are a fair people, and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife."

...

The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the
Queen", while plunging the knife into his heart.

The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and
yells, "Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.

The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"

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The three guys were discussing how to please their wives...

The Italian says "After we make love, I cover her with little chocolates, and when they melt from her body heat, I lick them off. She loves it!"

The Frenchman says "After sex, I cover her with rose petals, then gently blow them off. It drives her wild!"

The American says "After we're done doing it, I go wipe my dick off on the curtains. She goes nuts!"

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They walk in the bar

A bartender is working at an upscale bar downtown when all of the sudden, an Englishman, a Dane, a Frenchman, a German, a Russian, an American, a Canadian, a Mexican, a Peruvian, a Brazilian, a Colombian, a Chinese, a Japanese, a Korean, 29 different Africans from all different African countries, and an Indian all walk in to the bar.

And the bartender says to them, sorry gentlemen, but you can't come here without a Thai.

^thanks ^SnW

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An old American was visiting Paris and spend couple minutes at immigration control looking for his passport.

- "Monseigneur, have you ever been in Paris before?" asked officer impatiently.
- "Oh yes I have, but I didn't really have to show it" responded older gentleman.
- "Not possible, you always show passport to French officer"
-"Well the last time I landed in Normandy, I could not find a single
Frenchman to show my passport"

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Jennifer Lawrence, a Frenchman and an Englishman are riding a train.

The train enters a tunnel and in the darkness the sound of a slap rings out. When the train comes out the Frenchman is rubbing his bruised cheek.

The Frenchman thinks, "The Englishman must have tried to kiss Jennifer and she slapped me by mistake."

Jennifer Lawrence thinks, "The Frenchman must have tried to kiss me, but accidentally kissed the Englishman and got slapped in return."

And the Englishman thinks, "This is great, every time we go into a tunnel I get to slap that French asshole."

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Street Juggler

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German were all watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sรญ."
"Ja."

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I recently bumped into a Frenchman wearing a bagel as a scarf.

He said it was a real pain in the neck.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are watching a juggler.

The juggler notices the four have a very poor view, so he stands on a wooden box. He yells out to them "Can you see me now?!"


"Yes"


"Oui"


"Si"


"Ja"

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A Frenchman, a Russian, and a Mexican all arrive in hell...

...when the Devil appears before them. He says that to get out of hell, they must each complete three tasks: have sex with a woman 100 times, kill a bear, and drink 100 shots of tequila.

The Frenchman, being French, decides he'll start with making love to the woman 100 times. He starts out well, but after a few hours he is too exhausted to complete the task and is thrown into lava.

The Russian, being Russian, decides he'll kill the bear first. Almost as soon as he enters the arena he is mauled to death.

The Mexican, being Mexican, decides he'll drink the 100 shots of tequila first. After downing the last one, he stumbles off to kill the bear.

Several hours later, he returns to Satan and says: "so where is this woman I have to kill?"

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What do you call a Frenchman in sandals?

Felippe Feloppe ...

wah wah

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how do you piss of a frenchman?

ask him what part of canada he's from

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A Frenchman has a wife and a lover

He loves his lover the most.

An Englishman has a wife and a lover, he loves his wife the most.

A Jewish man has a wife and a lover, he loves his mother the most.

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An Englishman, a German, a Frenchman, and a Jewish guy are lost in the desert.

The Englishman says "I'm so thirsty, I must have some tea!"
The German says "I'm so thirsty, I must have ze beer!"
The Frenchman says "I'm so thirsty, I must 'ave some wine!"
The Jewish guy says "I'm so thirsty, I must have diabetes!"

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What did the redneck say to the Frenchman?

You don't speak English fourchette!

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I made a Belgium waffle this morning,

This afternoon I'm going to make a Frenchman talk nonsense.

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French Joke (translated)

A Frenchman, an American, and an Arab are on a hot air balloon.
The hot air ballon wouldn't lift-off as there was too much weight, so the three friends agree on throwing off anything that is plentiful in their respective countries. The rich American goes forth and throws away piles on piles of dollars, stating that "There are too many in my country".
The Arab goes next and throws off tons of gold, his gold watch, bars, etc. stating that "There is too much of it in my country!"
Next goes the Frenchman...
He pushes the Arab off stating that "There are too many sulking in the streets of my country!"
The hot air balloon then wafts through the air majestically.

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best frenchman jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about frenchman. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty frenchman gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these frenchman jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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