French Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.

So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.

Why do french tanks have rear view mirrors?

To see the battlefield

An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer

The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"

How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris?

I don't know, it's never been done

A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...

"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"

"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"

The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

Did you hear about the gay French baker?

Faguette

My daughter told me I should treat her like a princess

So I married her off to a stranger in order to secure an alliance with the French.

Why do Jihadist Muslims only drink instant coffee?

'Cause they hate the French press

TIL The American flag on the moon has turned white due to radiation

Now it looks like the French landed on the moon

TIL the American flag on the moon has turned into the French flag.

Due to solar radiation, the red and blue pigment has disappeared, leaving the flag to be completely white.

My friend wanted to feel like a princess on her wedding day

So we made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a French alliance.

What are the two problems with the French flag?

The red bit and the blue bit.

A horse walks into a bar; the bartender asks, "Hello, do you want a beer?" The horse responds, "I think not," and promptly disappears.

Now, admittedly, this joke only makes sense if you are familiar with the French Enlightenment philosopher, Rene Descartes, who famously said, "I think, therefore I am." The horse thought not, and therefore wasn't...

But if I had explained that first, I would have been putting Descartes before da horse!

Otto the German was driving from Germany to Paris to visit some relatives.

A French cop stops him and asks the usual questions:

cop: name?

Otto: Otto

cop: address?

Otto: 341 Brandenburg Street, Berlin

cop: Occupation?

Otto: no, just visiting...ο»Ώ

What do you get if you take off the red dot on the Japanese flag?

The French flag!

My wife reckons that recently I have become an awkward, arrogant cunt, and she just can't understand me.



Seems like my French classes are going really well.

When I was a kid adults would use swear words then apologise by saying 'Excuse my French'.

I still remember my first day at school when the teacher asked "Does anyone know any French?"

I've heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.

Is this Trudeau?

My daughter demanded she be treated like a princess...

so I married her off to secure an alliance with the French.

TIL the american flag planted on the moon is now completely white due to radiation from the sun.

Great, now future archeologists are gonna think the French got there first.

Why do French people eat snails?

Because they don't like fast food.

I once thanked a French guy to death

It was a merci killing

Why do french tanks have rear mirrors?

So they can also see the front lines.

I thought my new girlfriend might be the one.

But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided; if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.

Why do the French make omelettes with only one egg?

Because in France one egg is un oeuf.

TIL France got a different version of The Force Awakens than the rest of the world.

While the international version ends with Rey and Luke, the French version ends with fin.

What do you call sex with a french midget?

Bone a petite

Why did France give the Statue of Liberty to the USA?

Because the French had no use for a statue with only one hand in the air.

When the US went to the moon....

...they planted the American Flag. After all these years the radiation from the Sun will have bleached it completely white, so now if Aliens find it they are going to think the French were there first.

A Frenchman was showing of his yachts to a tourist

Frenchman: "This one is called Un, this one Deux, this one Trois, Quatre, Six, Se--"

Tourist: "Hold on, why is there no number 5?"

Frenchman: "It Cinq"

Martial arts

The Israelis developed Krav Maga - the art of disabling an opponent as quickly as possible.

The Japanese developed Jujitsu - the art of defeating an armed and armored opponent.

The Brazilians developed Capoeira - the art of defeating an opponent using dance and acrobatics.

The French developed parkour - the art of running away as quickly and efficiently as possible.

My dad would swear and then say, "Excuse my French"

One day the teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language and I raised my hand.

I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.

I've never run so far in my life.

In WW2 you could identify which nationality your opponent was from by observing their behaviors

If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British



If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German



If they retreat, they're French



If they switch to your side, they're Italian



If they apologize, they're Canadian



If nothing happens for a few minutes then suddenly your camp is leveled to the ground, they're American

French Jokes

Who won the first Tour de France?
The 6th Panzer division.

Why do french tanks have rear-view mirrors?
To see the front line.

How many French troops does it take to defend Paris?
No one knows.

Why do French tanks have rear windows?

So they can see the battlefield!

The first french fries were not cooked on France.

They were cooked in Greece.

Why is the French military always shocked when they lose a battle?

Because electricity flows in the path of *least resistance*

Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it's all organised by the Swiss.

Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the
lover's Swiss, the police German and it's all organised by the Italians.

Why did the French chef kill himself?

He lost his huile d'olive

Why did the French give the statue of liberty to America?

They had no use for a statue with only one hand raised

What's the name of the most popular French knight?

Sir Ender.

After a long and distinguished career, my French teacher finally retired.

Adios, amigo.

A guy says to a librarian "I'd like a Big Mac, French Fries and a Coke"

The librarian says "I'm sorry sir but this is a library".

The guy says *whispering* "Oh, sorry, I'd like a Big Mac, French Fries and a Coke"

Why do the French stink?

So blind people can hate them too

Cooking with French ingredients always makes me depressed.

Yesterday I almost lost the huile d'olive.

During the French Revolution a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer were facing execution on the guillotine.

The doctor was first, but the blade jammed and the doctor was set free due to Divine Intervention.

The lawyer was next, again the blade jammed, and was also set free.

As the engineer was being led to his doom, he glanced up at the blade and said Wait a minute! I think I see the problem…

What did the Frenchman say to the Englishman

An Englishman is telling a joke to a Frenchman, he says what did the Frenchman say to the Englishman. The Frenchman says he doesn't know, but the Englishman insists that he guesses.

After a few frustrated guesses the Frenchman eventually caves in, annoyed that the Englishman doesn't seem to understand how jokes work.

'I give up'

The Englishman smiles and walks off.

[original joke I just made up, [f]irst time]

Why do the French only have one egg for breakfast?

Because one egg is un oeuf.

I work in a factory that makes McDonalds french fries...

One of co-workers told me yesterday that he's always wanted to put his dick in the Potato Peeler. I tried to talk him out of it, but I could tell he had already made his mind up to do it. I saw him today; he was clearing out his desk. "So you went ahead and did it?" "Yeah, and I got caught, so they fired me." "And what about the Potato Peeler?" I asked. "They fired her too."

Did you hear about that French cheese factory that exploded?

There was nothing left but de brie.

During a marriage preparation class, the teacher asked how many kissable areas there are on a woman's body

One guy said, "18."

A French guy in the back yelled, "119!"

Another guy said, "12."

The French guy piped up again, "119!"

A sweet girl in the front said, "I know only one...the lips!"

The French guy shouted, "120!"

The art of sex [NSFW]

An English man, French man and Irish man are discussing the art of sex.
The English man says "after I have sex with my wife i kiss her neck, she rises two feet off the bed with pleasure"
The Frenchman says "well, after I make love to my wife I kiss her from head to toe, whispering sweet nothings to her, and she rises 6 feet off the bed in pure ecstasy"
The Irish man says "well, after I bang my missus I get up, wipe my knob on the curtains and she hits the fucking roof!"

What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory?

All that was left was de brie.

Heaven is...

... where the police are British,
the cooks are Italian,
the mechanics are German,
the lovers are French
and it is all organised by the Swiss.

Hell is where the police are German,
the cooks are English,
the mechanics are French,
the lovers are Swiss,
and it is all organised by the Italians.

How do Frenchmen share files?

Pierre to Pierre.

Two conjoined twins walks into a pub

The bartender is amazed: "You're not from around here"
The siamese on the left side:"No, we're french, every summer, we come to the UK, rent a car and start a road trip"
"So, you really seem to like the country?"
"Not that much, but once a year, my brother can drive".

Olympic Results for Sailing are out:

The British have taken the Gold medal.

The French have taken the Silver medal.

The Somalians have taken the boats.

In a huge lecture hall once I only had four international students turn up - English, French, Spanish and German. I asked if they could all see me. They said...

Yes, Oui, Si, Ja

A frenchman walks into a library

And asks the Librarian if he can checkout a book about War. The Librarian responds, "No, you'll lose it."

A German man was crossing the border into France...

The French border guard asked to see his papers, as he skimmed through them he ran off a stream of questions.

"Name?"

The German smiled, "Hans Lehrer"

"Age?"

The German replied, "37"

"Occupation?"

The German shook his head,
"No, not this time."

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Soviet Russian

are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. The Frenchman says, "They must be French, they're naked and they're eating fruit."
The Englishman replies with, "Clearly they're English. Observe how politely the man is offering the woman the fruit."
The Russian then notes, "They are Russian of course. They have nothing to wear, nothing to eat, and they think they are in paradise."

A horse walks into a bar...

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Can I get you anything?" The horse replies "I think not," a promptly disappears.


If you don't get it, it's important to first understand that the French philosopher Descartes famously said, "I think, therefore I am." So when the horse said "I think not," then he could no longer be.


I guess I could have explained all of that before I told the joke, but that would be putting Descartes before the horse.

Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.

2 cats are racing across the English Channel,

an English cat named "123" and a French cat named "Un deux trois." Which cat won the race?

A: The English cat. Un deux trois cat sank.

Why did the French have so many civil wars?

So they can win once in a while

I've just fallen through the roof of a French bakery...

Now I'm in a world of pain.

Can't Hold a Job

Bubba thought his new girlfriend might be the
one but after looking through her knicker drawer
and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maid's
outfit, and a police woman's uniform, he finally
decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him

Why did the French chef commit suicide?

he lost his huile d'olive

There was an explosion at a French cheese store

Everywhere you looked, there was a lot of de brie.

The Philippines is the only country in the world who turns its flag upside down during times of war

while French people remove the red and blue colour

Selling a french WW2 rifle

Never fired, only dropped once.

European Heaven and Hell

In Heaven the soldiers are British, the food is French, the lovers are Italian and everything is organized by the Germans.

In Hell the soldiers are French, the food is British, the lovers are German and everything is organized by the Italians.

I hate French people

They give me the crepes

Romney was asked about the Chinese going to the moon...

He responded that when they are up there, they will be able to see the flag we planted over 40 years ago. This is a pretty clever comeback. But the last laugh is on us. The US flags are now all beached white due to the unprotected exposure to the sun's UV radiation. This means the Chinese will think the French made it first.

The Garden of Eden

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."

Apparantly all flags on the moon have faded to white by now.

Now the French can claim to have been there.

This just in: A white flag factory has burned to the ground in Paris...

... Effectively crippling the French military.

European heaven and hell

European heaven is where:

All the soldiers are British,
All the wine is French,
All the cars are German,
All the lovers are Italian,
The weather is Greek,
And everything is organized by the Swiss

European hell is where:

All the soldiers are French,
All the wine is German,
All the cars are Greek,
All the lovers are Swiss,
The weather is British,
And everything is organized by the Italians

What are the funniest french jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about French? Well, here are the best French puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny French pick up lines to share with friends.

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