Free Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Where do little jokes come from?

Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.

(I made this up myself, I'm really proud of it)

Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why.

He said "inflation"

I like my women like I like my slaves

Educated and free.

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one free of charge.

I watched the video of my wedding backwards.

I almost cried when I took the ring back, gave her back to her father, moonwalked out of the church, and went away, free.

Wow: I made it to front page! Thanks guys!

Humans are being tested against the new AI program

The robot beats the human in every category. It comes to one of the last ones: hunting. The robot again beats the human. However, someone working there sets the animals free again and tells them to try get them again. The robot doesn't move whilst the human wins because




ROBOTS CANT RECAPTCHA

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of Free Bird being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

I like my women how I like my computer.

On my lap.
Turned on.
Virus free.

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

Marriage, the real story

A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies,

"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."

I like my woman like I like my Laptop

On my lap , turned on ,Virus free

A coworker told me I was a pedophile and said I probably had a van that said "Free Candy" on the side.

I told him that would be pointless. My target demographic can't read yet.

"Uniformed police eat free you say?"

"No, sorry it's *uninformed* police eat free."
"Oh, I didn't know."
"It's on the house, officer."

My doctor said if I get 1000 upvotes he will perform free LASIK surgery!!

Upvote for visibility.

I gave away all my dead batteries today..

free of charge.

Money or Sex

A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free."

"I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year."

Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

With the UK leaving the EU, the union has some free space.

Exactly 1GB

What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red for free.

Why is free Wi-Fi never seen in churches?

Because no church wants to be challenged by an invisible power that actually works.

A Calvinist dies and goes to Heaven

He sees two doors. One is labeled free will, and the other is predestination. He walks through the predestination door and an angel asks him why he was here. The Calvanist replies, "I saw this door and decided to walk through it." The angel replies, "You can't be here, you chose this."

Dejected, he goes into the other door. Its angel asks him why he was here.

He replies, "I had no choice"

A man just released from prison was walking down the street shouting, "I'm free! I'm free!"...

A little boy yelled back at him, "that's nothing, I'm four!"

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.

Thief: You must really love your wife!


Man: No, but she will be home shortly .

A doctor and a lawyer

During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.

You can freeze a human to -273.15 C

He'd be 0K.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging on the wall.

He sits down and asks the bartender what the deal is with the meat. Bartender says the deal is if you want a free drink you gotta jump up and touch the meat but if you miss, you buy a round for the bar. The guy takes another look at the meat and the bartender asks if he's in. No, says the guy the steaks are too high.

For a moment, i had a different opinion on 'Chinese girls'

This Valentines day, I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

A man walks into a bar

and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender what the deal was about:

"Anyone who can jump up and slap the meat earns free drinks for the rest of the night", the bartender answered. "But, if you miss you pay everyone else's drinks for the next hour. Would you like to try?"

The man thought about it for a moment, and then answers:

"Nah, the stakes are too high."

Free shipping?

I walked into an airport with two bags:

"I want this one to go to Chicago, and this one to go to Paris."

"Sir, you can't do that."

"Why not? It happened the last time."

Carl opened a zoo.

Carl opened a zoo and made the entry fee $60. No one turned up.

Carl made the entry fee $30. Yet again, no one turned up.

So, Carl made the zoo free to enter, soon enough, it was full.

Carl shut the gates, released the lions, and made the exit fee $60.

My girlfriend is mad because I keep getting free drinks around town by saying I'm engaged

She said "Why is it that every time you say your engaged people congratulate you and buy you a drink, but when I say it they charge me double?"

I told her that when she says it they expect to see a ring but when I say it they expect to see an empty wallet

What's the best part about having a hooker die on you?

The second hour is free.

A black guys walks into a bank...

... says "I'm looking for a job!"

The bank manager says, "Well, you're in luck! We have a position opening tomorrow that pays $48,000 a year and has access to a free car!"


The black guy says "You're joking."


The bank manager says "Well, you started it!"

Putting air in your tires used to be free now its costs a dollar...

Its called inflation.

Fidel Castro was a cigar-smoking, repressive leader who hated free speech and a free press.

Donald Trump, in comparison, doesn't smoke.

Bill Gates Goes Fishing

Bill Gates goes fishing. Suddenly his fishing pole starts to jiggle, he quickly pulls it and see a gold fish hanging on it's edge.

"WAIT! PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!" the fish screams.

Bill answers: "oh wow, a talking fish! That's amazing! There you go little guy, I was going to release you anyway" and sets him free.

The fish turns around and say: "Thank you, now how about a wish?"

Bill answers: "Oh alright... what do you want?"

Im going to freeze myself at -273.15 Β°C

My friends are worried, but ill be 0K

Dear Brits: We have received your ultimatum and have scrounged for the ransom...

...but we could only come up with half.


Feel free to him back halfway and we'll wire the funds. Thanks, the US

How much do used batteries cost?

Nothing, they are free of charge.

America is a free country.

Free to Play, but Pay to Win.

A 35 year old man goes to the doctor and asks to be castrated...

The doctor looks at him for a minute and asks if he is sure. The man says yes, he's thought about it for some time and thinks its time to get it done. The doctor says alright, it's your body.

After the procedure, the man wakes up and the doctor comes over for a chat. He tells the man that while he was down there, he threw in a free circumcision.

Circumcision! the man exclaims. That's the word I was looking for.

How much free space does the EU have since Great Britain left?

1 GB

McDonald's will give you a free combo meal...

McDonald's will give you a free combo meal and Β£127.38 if you go to the Drive Thru dressed as a clown.

With a gun.

A man from out of town walks into a bar...

he sees large pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender why the meat is hanging down from the ceiling. The bartender says "Around these parts we have a challenge. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get it for free. If you can't you have to pay the price of the meat but you don't get it. How about taking the bet?" The man looks up at the meat. "Nah" He says. "The steaks are too high.

As a Canadian..

Every time I hear a bad joke about being Canadian...


...I go right to the Hospital and get my feelings checked for free

"We Do Not Have A Child Slave Colony On Mars."

They are free to leave the dome whenever they wish.

A man walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling

The guy asks, "What's this about?" The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drink for the next hour. You wanna do it?" The guy replies, "Nah the steaks are too high".

Punctuality....

A company owner was asked a question, "How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"

He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I'm off to New York City. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
"Where are you going?" she asks

"I'm coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year"

A resourceful woman...

A woman gets into a very busy restaurant around lunch time.
She is told the next available table would be free in an hour.
She holds her phone to her ear, and with a loud voice says:
"*Honey, you won't believe it, but your husband is having lunch with his girlfriend at so-and-so restaurant*"
Half the diners instantly get up and rush to the exit..

I got a free iPad and iPhone today.

It's like... this gun is magic!!!

Today I'm cancer free!

And all the days before that, but it still counts.

What's the similarity between free healthcare and good jokes?

Americans don't get them.

PSA: IF YOU RECEIVE AN EMAIL SAYING, "You've won two free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert!" DO NOT OPEN IT.

It contains two tickets to a Justin Bieber concert.

What does alcohol free beer taste like?

Like going down on your sister. It tastes the same but something's not right.

A Mexican attempts to pass the border

A border control officer catches them and says, "Papers."

The Mexican replied, "Scissors."

The border control officer replied,"Dammit! Well, you're free to go!"

A man walks up to a girl on the street

He asks her "would you have sex with me for a million dollars?"

The girl replies "hmm.. for a millian dollars sure!"

The man asks "would you have sex with me for free?"

The girl replies "for free? What kind of girl do you think I am?

The man replies "we've already found what kind of girl you are now we are just negotiating a price."

A man and a boy walked into a barbershop together.

After the man got his haircut, he sat the boy in the barber's chair and said, "I'm just going to run around the corner to grab a paper." When the boy's haircut was donw, the man still hadn't returned. The barber said, "It looks like your dad's forgotten about you." "Oh, that wasn't my dad," the boy said, "He just walked up to me on the street, took my hand and said, "Come on, we're going to get a free haircut.""

Stop spreading the fake news that women are forced to wear hijabs.

It's their free choice between wearing them or getting stoned to death.

So a guy walks into a bar and sees three steaks taped to the ceiling....

He then asks the bartender why are there three steaks taped to the ceiling? The bartender says well you get one shot, if you jump up and touch one of the steaks then you get free drinks for the rest of the day, however if you miss, you must buy everyone else's drinks for the next hour. The guy ponders for a minute and then says, I would do it, but the stakes are too high.

Go bungee jumping for free!

No strings attached.

I was visiting NYC for the first time when a black guy walked up to me and asked if the Yankees won

I said, "yeah man, you're free!"

Why did the dad proton want his daughter proton to marry an electron?

So the wedding would be free of charge

What's the difference between a fake sex addict and someone who uses fake names to get free noodles?

One's a pseudo-nymphomaniac, the other's a pseudonym-pho-maniac!

During the French Revolution a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer were facing execution on the guillotine.

The doctor was first, but the blade jammed and the doctor was set free due to Divine Intervention.

The lawyer was next, again the blade jammed, and was also set free.

As the engineer was being led to his doom, he glanced up at the blade and said Wait a minute! I think I see the problem…

So A Man Walks Into a Bar...

So a man walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says, "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a meta joke."

So the man says, "So a man walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, 'I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a meta joke.' So the man says, 'So a man walks into a bar and asks for a drink. So the bartender gives him a drink.' So the bartender gives him a drink"

So the bartender gives him a drink.

When I was a kid, I had a lemonade stand. I'd give away the first glass for free and charge $20 for the second.

The refill contained the antidote.

God is talking with the presidents.

God asks Bush: "What do you believe in?"

Bush answers: "I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!"

"Very well," says God. "Come sit to my right."


Next, God asks Obama: "What do you believe in?"

Obama answers: "I believe in the power of democracy, and equal rights for all."

"Good, says God. "You shall sit to my left."


Finally, God asks Trump: "What do you believe in?"


Trump replies: "I believe you're sitting in my chair."

How to get free internet @ home

I live in an apartment complex so I have neighbors left to right and below me. One day I asked my neighbor if he was interested in splitting the cost of my wifi 50/50 so he could also use it. He agreed. I went on to my other neighbor downstairs and asked him the same thing. Now both my neighbors are paying for my wifi.

The flight attendant asked me during the flight, could I offer you some free headphones?

So I replied, Sure, but how did you know my name is Phones?

A man walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing

"What are you doing?" He asked.

"I'm off to New York," she replies. "I hear prostitutes get paid $400 doing what I do to you for free."

The husband begins packing his bags.

"What are you doing?" asked the wife.

"I'm coming with you," he said. "I wanna see how you live off $800 a year."

Going to Vegas

A man comes home from work to find his wife packing her things. "What are you doing?" he asks.
His wife replies, "I'm leaving you and moving to Las Vegas. I hear that men will pay me $500 to do to them what I do to you for free."
The man says nothing, walks over to the closet, grabs his suitcase and begins packing his things.
"What do you think you're doing?" his wife asks.
The man replies, "I'm going to Vegas. I want to see how you're going to live off of $500 a year."

Why aren't cremations given out for free?

Because you have to urn them.

A little girl runs up behind us (this really happened)...

...while my GF and I were shopping at Target. The girl was maybe 5 and running from her mom. I made the comment, "Look Honey, a free daughter!" GF's reply was "Raising a child is not free." To which I replied, "Yes, but in this case you get a discount on the labor!"

I deleted all the German contacts out of my phone...

now its Hans free

What are the funniest free jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Free? Well, here are the best Free puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Free pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes