Free Jokes
151 free jokes and hilarious free puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about free that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Get your daily dose of laughter with these free jokes! With a wide selection of categories, including jokes for seniors and jokes for commercial use, you can access an unlimited source of complimentary humour and witty one-liners from our voucher-style selection.
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Funniest Free Short Jokes
Short free jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The free humour may include short cheap jokes also.
- Where do little jokes come from? Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.
- Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why. He said "inflation"
- Andrew Tate arrested in Romania after a pizza box showed he was in the country. Police arrested him within 30 minutes As any longer would mean they had to give him a free garlic bread.
- Monopoly is fun but it has some really old stuff that isn't valid anymore. There's free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.
- A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.
- Do you remember when air was free at the gas station, and now it's $1.50? You know why? Inflation
Holy smokes this blew up, THANK YOU all for the awards and the silver!! - A company owner was asked a question, How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"
He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking." - Looks like NFT prices have hit rock bottom. Get your monkey for nothin' and your chimps for free.
I want my, I want my, I want my NFT. - "Uniformed police eat free you say?" "No, sorry it's *uninformed* police eat free."
"Oh, I didn't know."
"It's on the house, officer." - My doctor said if I get 1000 upvotes he will perform free LASIK surgery!! Upvote for visibility.
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Free One Liners
Which free one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with free? I can suggest the ones about released and blank.
- I like my women how I like my computer. On my lap.
Turned on.
Virus free. - I gave away all my dead batteries today.. free of charge.
- I used my stimulus check to buy baby chickens Money for nothing, and the chicks for free
- Every program I write is completely error-free No exceptions!
- How much do used batteries cost? Nothing, they are free of charge.
- America is a free country. Free to Play, but Pay to Win.
- How much free space does the EU have since Great Britain left? 1 GB
- I think my cats are communists They expect free food and keep talking about Mao.
- Anyone can use my French Revolution joke It's royalty free.
- I got a free iPad and iPhone today. It's like... this gun is magic!!!
- What's the similarity between free healthcare and good jokes? Americans don't get them.
- Today I'm cancer free! And all the days before that, but it still counts.
- Go bungee jumping for free! No strings attached.
- I recently got rid of all the German contacts on my phone Now it's Hans-Free
- Why aren't cremations given out for free? Because you have to urn them.
Free Love Jokes
Here is a list of funny free love jokes and even better free love puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, nobody else wanted them either.
- I love vegans The meat is better because its grass fed, locally sourced and free of harmful chemicals
- I love volunteering so much.. I'd do it for free
- Why do catholic priests love Halloween? Free delivery!
- If you love someone, set them free. If they don't come back. call them up later when you're drunk !
- Every body loves guns! Everytime I show them mine, they give me free stuff.
- I'm an anaesthetist that moonlights as a meal designer for French Celiacs I love to leave people pain free
- If you love something, set it free. If it comes back is was meant to be. That was definitely not a balloon.
- My lawyer friend loves board games... ...but he has been sad lately, ever since he started that Risk-free 30-day trial.
- If you love something, set it free... ...unless it's a tiger.
Gluten Free Jokes
Here is a list of funny gluten free jokes and even better gluten free puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A man walks into a bakery, points to some bread and asks... Man: 'Is this Gluten free?'
Cashier: No.
It costs $4.50 - What do you call a gluten free noodle? An impasta
- I have a new recipe that's gluten free, sugar free, no-fat, non-GMO, pesticide free, low-calorie, vegan, kosher and paleo-friendly. It's a real breath of fresh air.
- I went to a coffee shop. They had some great looking cakes. I pointed to a cake and asked the waiter:
"Is this gluten free?"
He replied:
"No, it costs money!" - A band of Superheroes walk into a Gluten-free, Soy-Free, non-GMO, organic, fat-free restraunt.... Just Ice was served.
- Man with a beard a 100 years ago: "Ok, I'll go chop down some trees." Man with beard today: " I found a great face mask that's gluten and cruelty free."
- If the body of Christ cannot be gluten-free... Then I guess He is risen
- Why is it so hard for economists to go gluten free? Because their food preferences are very sticky.
- who decided to call it 'gluten free'… and not 'against the grain'?
- what did the doctor say to the gluten-free patient? "im putting you on bread rest"
Free Beer Jokes
Here is a list of funny free beer jokes and even better free beer puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'm highly skeptical over the existence of "alcohol-free beer"... There's literally zero proof.
- Germany decides that if they win the cup they would give out free beer for a year. Japan decides that if they win they would give out free sushi for a year. Let's go Colombiaaaaaa!!!
- I'm a bartender. Ladies always ask me if the sleep with me if they can get free beer. It's always sad that I have to tell them no But it's worth a shot
- A bartender walks into a bar demonstrating the danger of free beer.
- "Beer Runner" goes free after being arrested for stealing 23 beers... The DA didn't have a case
- Bringing a girlfriend to New York Bringing a girlfriend to New York is like bringing a warm beer to a bar that serves free cold beers.
- Did you hear about the new Bernie Sanders drinking game? Every time he mentions a new free government program you drink someone else's beer.
- Why do the brewing companies use "free beer coupons" as motivators? They hope it'll brew morale.
Alcohol Free Jokes
Here is a list of funny alcohol free jokes and even better alcohol free puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call an alcohol free Japanese city? Nadasaki
- I asked my friend who the antagonist of Borderlands is. Me: "If you tell me, i'll give you some alcohol for free"
Friend: "Alright then, hand some jack" - The Bible says I'll pay for my sins.
I already do, Escorts, drugs and alcohol don't come free. - I will be doing an alcohol free month... I guess I'll have to find an alternative to ethanol as a solvent for my capsaicin extractions.
- Temples are free to enter but still empty. Pubs charge to enter, but are full. People ignore inner peace &choose to pay for self destruction
- LPT: Never accept a drink from a stranger at a bar. It could be alcohol-free!😱
Cheeky Free Jokes to Experience Good Cheer & Frivolity
What funny jokes about free you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean complimentary jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make free pranks.
A little girl runs up behind us (this really happened)...
...while my GF and I were shopping at Target. The girl was maybe 5 and running from her mom. I made the comment, "Look Honey, a free daughter!" GF's reply was "Raising a child is not free." To which I replied, "Yes, but in this case you get a discount on the labor!"
A man and a boy walked into a barbershop together.
After the man got his haircut, he sat the boy in the barber's chair and said, "I'm just going to run around the corner to grab a paper." When the boy's haircut was donw, the man still hadn't returned. The barber said, "It looks like your dad's forgotten about you." "Oh, that wasn't my dad," the boy said, "He just walked up to me on the street, took my hand and said, "Come on, we're going to get a free haircut.""
I thought for my whole life that air was free...
...then I bought a bag of chips.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the best part about having a h**... die on you?
The second hour is free.
A 35 year old man goes to the doctor and asks to be castrated...
The doctor looks at him for a minute and asks if he is sure. The man says yes, he's thought about it for some time and thinks its time to get it done. The doctor says alright, it's your body.
After the procedure, the man wakes up and the doctor comes over for a chat. He tells the man that while he was down there, he threw in a free circumcision.
Circumcision! the man exclaims. That's the word I was looking for.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the best thing about f**... a gypsy on her period?
You get your palm red for free.
Bill Gates Goes Fishing
Bill Gates goes fishing. Suddenly his fishing pole starts to jiggle, he quickly pulls it and see a gold fish hanging on it's edge.
"WAIT! PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!" the fish screams.
Bill answers: "oh wow, a talking fish! That's amazing! There you go little guy, I was going to release you anyway" and sets him free.
The fish turns around and say: "Thank you, now how about a wish?"
Bill answers: "Oh alright... what do you want?"
Ebola causes headaches, feelings of nausea and is very difficult to get rid of.
Is it a virus or a free U2 album?
Going to Vegas
A man comes home from work to find his wife packing her things. "What are you doing?" he asks.
His wife replies, "I'm leaving you and moving to Las Vegas. I hear that men will pay me $500 to do to them what I do to you for free."
The man says nothing, walks over to the closet, grabs his suitcase and begins packing his things.
"What do you think you're doing?" his wife asks.
The man replies, "I'm going to Vegas. I want to see how you're going to live off of $500 a year."
Marriage, the real story
A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies,
"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does alcohol free beer taste like?
Like going down on your sister. It tastes the same but something's not right.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks up to a g**... the street
He asks her "would you have s**... with me for a million dollars?"
The girl replies "hmm.. for a millian dollars sure!"
The man asks "would you have s**... with me for free?"
The girl replies "for free? What kind of girl do you think I am?
The man replies "we've already found what kind of girl you are now we are just negotiating a price."
McDonald's will give you a free combo meal...
McDonald's will give you a free combo meal and £127.38 if you go to the Drive Thru dressed as a clown.
With a gun.
Free shipping?
I walked into an airport with two bags:
"I want this one to go to Chicago, and this one to go to Paris."
"Sir, you can't do that."
"Why not? It happened the last time."
A doctor and a lawyer
During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Money or s**...
A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a h**.... I can make $400 for what I give you for free."
"I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year."
I was visiting NYC for the first time when a black guy walked up to me and asked if the Yankees won
I said, "yeah man, you're free!"
You can freeze a human to -273.15 C
He'd be 0K.
"What do you do in your free time? " "I stalk. "
"Really? I go swimming and for long hikes"
"I know.".
A black guys walks into a bank...
... says "I'm looking for a job!"
The bank manager says, "Well, you're in luck! We have a position opening tomorrow that pays $48,000 a year and has access to a free car!"
The black guy says "You're joking."
The bank manager says "Well, you started it!"
Fidel Castro was a cigar-smoking, repressive leader who hated free speech and a free press.
Donald Trump, in comparison, doesn't smoke.
PSA: IF YOU RECEIVE AN EMAIL SAYING, "You've won two free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert!" DO NOT OPEN IT.
It contains two tickets to a Justin Bieber concert.
A man just released from prison was walking down the street shouting, "I'm free! I'm free!"...
A little boy yelled back at him, "that's nothing, I'm four!"
When I was a kid, I had a lemonade stand. I'd give away the first glass for free and charge $20 for the second.
The refill contained the antidote.
Why is free Wi-Fi never seen in churches?
Because no church wants to be challenged by an invisible power that actually works.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Working holiday
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.
"Where are you going?" he asks.
"I'm going to Las Vegas. I can earn $200 for a b**... there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do for you for free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.
"Where are you going?" the wife asks.
"I'm coming with you. I want to see how you can live on $200 a year."
How to get free internet @ home
I live in an apartment complex so I have neighbors left to right and below me. One day I asked my neighbor if he was interested in splitting the cost of my wifi 50/50 so he could also use it. He agreed. I went on to my other neighbor downstairs and asked him the same thing. Now both my neighbors are paying for my wifi.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Stop spreading the fake news that women are forced to wear hijabs.
It's their free choice between wearing them or getting s**... to death.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Mexican attempts to pass the border
A border control officer catches them and says, "Papers."
The Mexican replied, "Scissors."
The border control officer replied,"d**...! Well, you're free to go!"
Why did the dad proton want his daughter proton to marry an electron?
So the wedding would be free of charge
So A Man Walks Into a Bar...
So a man walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says, "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a meta joke."
So the man says, "So a man walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, 'I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a meta joke.' So the man says, 'So a man walks into a bar and asks for a drink. So the bartender gives him a drink.' So the bartender gives him a drink"
So the bartender gives him a drink.
God said to set up a router and free Wi-Fi in the tabernacle...
...but Moses is having a little trouble finding the promised LAN.
Humans are being tested against the new AI program
The robot beats the human in every category. It comes to one of the last ones: hunting. The robot again beats the human. However, someone working there sets the animals free again and tells them to try get them again. The robot doesn't move whilst the human wins because
ROBOTS CANT RECAPTCHA
Carl opened a zoo.
Carl opened a zoo and made the entry fee $60. No one turned up.
Carl made the entry fee $30. Yet again, no one turned up.
So, Carl made the zoo free to enter, soon enough, it was full.
Carl shut the gates, released the lions, and made the exit fee $60.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a fake s**... addict and someone who uses fake names to get free noodles?
One's a pseudo-nymphomaniac, the other's a pseudonym-pho-maniac!
During the French Revolution a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer were facing execution on the guillotine.
The doctor was first, but the blade jammed and the doctor was set free due to Divine Intervention.
The lawyer was next, again the blade jammed, and was also set free.
As the engineer was being led to his doom, he glanced up at the blade and said Wait a minute! I think I see the problem…
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"We Do Not Have A Child s**... Colony On Mars."
They are free to leave the dome whenever they wish.
As a Canadian..
Every time I hear a bad joke about being Canadian...
...I go right to the Hospital and get my feelings checked for free
A resourceful woman...
A woman gets into a very busy restaurant around lunch time.
She is told the next available table would be free in an hour.
She holds her phone to her ear, and with a loud voice says:
"*Honey, you won't believe it, but your husband is having lunch with his girlfriend at so-and-so restaurant*"
Half the diners instantly get up and rush to the exit..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**...! s**...! s**...! Free s**... tonight!
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "s**...! s**...! s**...! Free s**... tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 6**...-3629."
I watched the video of my wedding backwards.
I almost cried when I took the ring back, gave her back to her father, moonwalked out of the church, and went away, free.
Wow: I made it to front page! Thanks guys!
God is talking with the presidents.
God asks Bush: "What do you believe in?"
Bush answers: "I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!"
"Very well," says God. "Come sit to my right."
Next, God asks Obama: "What do you believe in?"
Obama answers: "I believe in the power of democracy, and equal rights for all."
"Good, says God. "You shall sit to my left."
Finally, God asks Trump: "What do you believe in?"
Trump replies: "I believe you're sitting in my chair."
I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of Free Bird being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.
Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.
A Calvinist dies and goes to Heaven
He sees two doors. One is labeled free will, and the other is predestination. He walks through the predestination door and an angel asks him why he was here. The Calvanist replies, "I saw this door and decided to walk through it." The angel replies, "You can't be here, you chose this."
Dejected, he goes into the other door. Its angel asks him why he was here.
He replies, "I had no choice"
My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.
Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dear Brits: We have received your ultimatum and have scrounged for the ransom...
...but we could only come up with half.
Feel free to him back halfway and we'll wire the funds. Thanks, the US
My girlfriend is mad because I keep getting free drinks around town by saying I'm engaged
She said "Why is it that every time you say your engaged people congratulate you and buy you a drink, but when I say it they charge me double?"
I told her that when she says it they expect to see a ring but when I say it they expect to see an empty wallet
A dwarf walks into a bar, he's very, very thirsty.
The dwarf approaches the counter. It's very high up, so he can't see the other side.
He tries anyway and says: "Can I have a Coke please?"
(no answer)
He tries to jump as high as he can, saying "Can I have a Coke please?"
(no answer)
He jumps up and down, saying every time he gets to the top, "Can I have a Coke please?"
(still no answer)
He's fed up, so he goes around the counter, and on the other side...
...he sees another dwarf, jumping up and down saying, "Is Pepsi OK?"
PS: Google tells me that "dwarf" and "little person" are equally non-offensive. Feel free to educate me if it's the wrong term.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A desert island with six women
A bloke found himself stranded on a desert island with six women. To keep it fair, it was decided he would service a different woman every night and have Mondays free. After a few months the man was exhausted, realising how tiring it was to perform constantly every night except one. Then one day, to his joy, he found a man washed up on the beach who would be able to take some of the workload from him. However, his hopes were shattered when the man's first words were, "Hi, gorgeous, how about the kiss of life?"
'Oh f\*c**...,' thinks the man, 'there goes Mondays.'
My hot flight attendant asked how I like my coffee
Trying to sound cool, I told her I like my coffee like I like my women. And that's when she told me "That's cute honey, but the coffee's free. You don't have to pay for it here!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks in a bar and shouts free beers outside! So everyone in the bar, except the bartender, ran outside in excitement.
The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man what the h**... did you do that for? Now i have no customers!!
The man says Sorry mister, i honestly didnt fink any of those men would be brave enough to fight a grizzly beer, let alone free of them
I was going to post a joke about free and fair elections....
But I'm not sure the Americans will get it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman gets a free tattoo after showing the artist one of her b**....
It was a t**...-for-tat situation.
I'm binging a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won't let me watch certain episodes. Specifically episode number 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97.
Those are only available on Amazon Prime.
Told to me by a six year old.
Why was the snow yellow?
Because Elsa let it go!
I am a waiter and I have regular family every week on Monday. I exchange jokes with the youngest boy and he always wins free dessert. This week however he won a free meal for the whole family. I laughed til I made yellow snow
Edit. Did not know it was my cake day! I think this is my first joke post. Just wanted to share.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the Proud Boy check on his sad friend?
To make sure his friend was feeling... alt-right.
Feel free to downvote me to reddit h**......
Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.
We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend's yacht.
Then we'll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me.
Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go.
In honour of my first cake day, here's a few of my favourite riddles. Feel free to try them on your friends.
Q: What gets bigger, the more you take away from it?
A: A hole
Q: What two words have thousands of letters in them?
A: Post office
Q: The maker doesn't want it, the buyer doesn't use it and the user doesn't see it. What is it?
A: A coffin
Q: What travels all over the world, but stays in the corner?
A: A stamp
Q: What runs all around a field, but doesn't move?
A: A fence
Q: What starts with E, ends with e and only has one letter in it?
A: Envelope
President Joe Biden announced that he would give a free bottle of Bud Light to anyone who got a vaccine.
Not to be outdone, the next day, the President Obrador of Mexico announced that he would give a bottle of Corona to anyone who got a vaccine.
The day after, the President Higgins of Ireland announced that he'd be giving out free bottles of water.
Biden and Obrador were confused and gave the Irish President a Zoom call. "We kinda expected you to give out free Guiness, being from Ireland and all"
The Irish President replied: "Well, if you guys aren't giving out beer, then neither am I."
My local gas station started charging money just to put air in your tires
When I commented that this had been free for decades, the attendant just looked at me and said "that's inflation for you".
You know how people were joking about 2021 sounding like 2020 won ?
Well, next year is 2020 too.
Only when that year is over will it finally be 2020 free.
A woman sues a man for defamation of character, charging that he called her a pig.
The man is found guilty and made to pay damages. After the trial, he asks the judge, Does this mean that I can no longer call Ms. Harding a pig?
The judge says, That is correct.
And does it mean that I can't call a pig Ms. Harding?
No, says the judge, you are free to call a pig Ms. Harding. There is no crime in that.
The man looks Ms. Harding in the eye and says, Good afternoon, Ms. Harding.
