The Best 57 Freaking Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Freaking jokes. There are some freaking goddamned jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these freaking frantic puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Freaking Jokes and Puns

maternity ward

A woman and her husband are in the maternity ward where the woman is giving birth. As soon as the baby comes out the doctor grabs it and starts flailing it around beating it on the table and walls. 10 seconds later as couple is freaking out he stops and says "Haha, Just kidding. It was already dead."

A blonde's house catches on fire..

She starts freaking out and finally calls 911. She exclaims, "my house is on fire come as fast as you can!" The operated says, "Okay, calm down and tell me how do we get to your house?", the blonde then replies arrogantly and annoyed, "Well duh, in the big red truck!"

A black piece of tarmac is having a quiet drink at the pub...

...when the door bursts open and a red piece of tarmac comes storming in loud and aggressively.

The piece of black tarmac turns to the barman anxiously: *"Don't even think about serving him!"*

*"Why not?"*, the barman asks.

*"Isn't it obvious? He's a freaking cycle path!"*

Freaking joke, A black piece of tarmac is having a quiet drink at the pub...

Going to a church potluck...

A man calls his friend to remind him about a church potluck tomorrow.

"Ok," he says, "My wife and I will bring the cheese, and you and your wife need to bring the bread."

His friend, who is kind of an anxious mess says, "Oh man, that's a lot to remember. I'm kind of freaking out. I don't know how I'm going to keep all of this information straight!"

"Woah woah woah," the first man says to his friend. "Take it easy, man! Just remember: cheese us loaves you."

A person is drowning and yelling "HELP I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SWIM"

A bystander tells him to shut up because he doesn't know how to swim either but he's not freaking out about it like the guy drowning.


Everyone is freaking out about all these glasses that glow under a backlight...

... But my sheets have been glowing under backlights since I was 14

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

Freaking joke, Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"

People are freaking out because the Orlando shooter was investigated by the FBI and was able to buy a rifle.

But you can also run for president.

A man went to his therapist, freaking out that he'd dreamt he was a teepee one night and a wigwam the next.

The doctor told him, "Calm down. You're too tense."

My Mexican friend was freaking out, but

I couldn't understand his panic.

A man walks into his optometrist's office...

The optometrist says to him, "Sorry Steve, but you have to stop masturbating."

Steve says, "I knew it. I'm going blind aren't I? I overdid it."

The optometrist says, "You're not going blind, Steve, you're just freaking out everyone in the waiting room."

You can explore freaking footsteps reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean freaking fing dad jokes. There are also freaking puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


SCHOOL JOKES,Teacher and student

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

My wife was in jail, so I decided to go for the conjugal visit, which caused her parents to start freaking out...

Best game of Monopoly ever!

Whats long, hard, and gets women excited?

A diamond encrusted submarine you freaking pervert.

My mate was freaking out today, crying and all. He had no idea how he was going to become the fruit farmer he'd always dreamed of being.

I told him to grow a pear.

A midget and a man are on a bus

The two of them sit next to each other.

When the next stop comes, the midget falls off of the chair, so the man picks him back up.

Another stop comes, and the midget falls again, and again the man picks him up.

On the third stop he of course falls again and this time, the man says:

"Hold on when we get to a stop, you freaking midget!"

The midget replies:

"Can I please leave the bus? I was supposed to get off two stops ago."

Freaking joke, A midget and a man are on a bus

It's Friday the 13th and there's a serial killer at the circus

He's freaking in tents.

Somebody told me my house is haunted.

What a freaking joke! I built this place in 1865. I'm the first owner!

How many cats?

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Six."

Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven!"

Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"

Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"


Not sure why everyone is freaking out that Trump has his Finger on the Nuclear Button...

By his own admission; this isn't the first time his hands have been somewhere they shouldn't

Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

Women are like newspaper articles...

They have a new issue every freaking day

What did one mushroom say to the other?

"Dave, for the millionth time! You are not a freaking mushroom! No more drugs for you!"

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Minister walk into a bar...

The bartender says "If you're not freaking out about Net Neutrality right now, you're not paying attention."

A man walks into a bear.

He died because it was a freaking bear.

What did the cat say when he got scared?

You're freaking meowt!

Mommy, can you make me a sandwich?

First, you can make you your own freaking sandwich. And second, you don't have to call me 'Mommy' just because I'm sleeping with your father.

But, but ... what should I call you?

Thomas is fine.

My mom texted me that she found the incest photo of my sister and I.

I was freaking out until I realized she meant nicest.

I hate when people ride one accomplishment for their whole life and brag about it all the time

Like seriously, I don't care if you went to the freaking Moon. Do something else with your life Buzz

Donald Trump was admiring the Sistine chapel

Trump : this is the bestest painting I've ever seen

Docent : yes indeed Mr. President , it was painted by Michaelangelo ..

Trump : I know the fake news media makes me look like an idiot but I'm not foolish to believe that it was painted by a freaking turtle

WMDs

Why is everyone always freaking out over possible WMDs in various nations and trying to limit the amount of nuclear arms nations have?

I personally believe they're a blast.

A very plane joke

Pilot: We are going to die.

Passengers: *starts freaking out*

Pilot: haha don't worry we will all die one day.

Passengers: *sighs in relief*

Pilot: But we'll all probably die when we hit that mountain.

Why was the snowman freaking out?

He was having a meltdown.

Two chemists go into a bar. The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O." The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too".

The bartender then gives them two glasses of water because he doesn't keep freaking Hydrogen Peroxide on the bar counter.

Did you hear about the director who was freaking out because the camera wouldn't say steady during shots?

He really needed to get a grip.

A man was arguing with his wife...

Her: I can't believe you had sex with my sister!

Him: I was at my job, and she was there just lying on the table naked. What else was i supposed to do?

Her: The freaking autopsy!

My friend was freaking out. He said, I just found out that the girl I slept with last night was my third cousin!

I said, If it bothers you so much, stop counting.

Me, at the chameleon store...

Do you have any chameleons?

Clerk: I have no freaking idea

In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.

All the other paintball players started freaking out though.

Stop freaking out about the fires in California

Rising ocean levels due to global warming will put them out anyway.

I decided to leave work an hour early today.

The flight attendants started freaking out when I grabbed my parachute though.

Two blondes

Two blonds find a mirror on the sidewalk. The first blonde looks into it and says: look! There's a picture of a woman.

The second blonde looks at it and says: eww, she's so freaking ugly!

How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport

Re:LAX

My wife went to the carpet store...

I now have a freaking cat living in my car.

I punched a hole in my office wall today.

Don't understand why everyone else at the international space station is freaking out.

So everyone is freaking out that Kanye West wants to run for President ...

Everyone just needs to take it Yeezy!

What do children and Jackson Pollocks have in common?

I look at both and think I could make them myself, but don't want them in my freaking house.

The other day I dropped my baby nephew and my sister started freaking out

I understand that I should be more careful, but let's be honest, who the f*** brings a baby to the Grand Canyon?

A cannibal was halfway through eating a woman before he started freaking out.

He was having a mid-wife crisis.

My grandfather was riding a horse yesterday and its leg broke. So he decided to shoot it.

Everyone else on the carousel started freaking out though.

I can't believe how everybody's freaking out over that guy stealing Nancy Pelosi's podium.

He was clearly just taking a political stand.

I have a few female horses, but one of them always starts freaking out while riding at night

She's my worst night mare

A passenger in a taxi was freaking out because the driver was going way past the speed limit and taking sharp turns, barely missing cars in traffic and almost running three red lights. "Just close your eyes" The driver said.

"Trust me it helps, that's what I do"

I had no freaking idea!

I visited a local news website this morning and saw a picture of a good friend of mine on the front page with a title above saying, "A 34-year-old mechanic arrested for dealing drugs". I really thought I knew the guy, but I guess I was wrong. I mean, I've been a loyal customer of his for almost 7 years, and I had no idea that he was a mechanic!

My friend invited me to go drag racing with him and I thought yeah that sounds fun

Turns out it is really freaking hard to run in the heels

People all over the world are freaking out when they find snakes in their car.

Here in Australia its pretty common, we just call them windscreen vipers.

I decided to turn off the overhead fan because I was getting cold…

I don't know why everyone else on the helicopter is freaking out so much!

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the freaking imbecile jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working freaking panic piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes