The Best 63 Frantically Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Frantically jokes. There are some frantically furiously jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these frantically dials puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Frantically Jokes and Puns

Judge, angrily: Excuse me father, did you just say that it was all those kids' fault and not yours?

Father: Yes, everytime they saw me they would just start chanting frantically 'jizz us'.

What would Princess Diana be doing if she was alive today?

She would be frantically scratching at the roof of her coffin.

A plane is about to crash.

(Don't know if this is a repost. If it is, I didn't know.)

The pilot of a plane tells the passengers that the plane is going down.

A woman frantically gets up from her chair and announces, "All my life, I've never made sweet passionate love with a man. Before I die, I want someone to really make me feel like a woman."

Just then, a handsome man gets up from his chair. He walks down the aisle to the woman, removes his shirt,

and asks her to iron it.

A maintenance matter

A husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room, "Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel."

The manager responded, "Sir that's a personal matter."

The husband responded, "Idiot, the window won't open! That's a maintenance matter!"

Jesus knows you're here

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shines his flashlight around the house looking for valuables when a voice in the dark says "Jesus knows you're here." Freaked out, he turns his flashlight off and freezes, but hears nothing more so shakes his head and continues. As he is disconnecting cables from the TV, he hears very clearly "Jesus is watching you." Startled, he shines his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice. In the corner of the room he spots a Parrot. "Did you say that?" he asks. "Yes," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you." The burglar laughs a bit, "warn me huh? Who in the world are you!" "Moses." The bird replies. With a now humorous tone, the burglar asks "What kind of person would name a bird Moses?" The bird replies "the same kind of people who would name a rottweiler Jesus."


An Irish woman is 3 months pregnant...

She gets into a car accident and falls into a coma.

After nearly six months, she wakes up to find that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "You had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are grand. Luckily your brother named them!"

"Oh no, not my brother, he's a feckin eejit!" she says.

She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

"That's not so bad, what's the boy's name?" she asks the doctor.

"Denephew."

Traveling Circus

A circus stopped in a small town. An elephant escaped and found its way into an old woman's garden. Not recognizing the beast, she frantically called the sheriff. "Sherrif, there's an enormous awful beast in my garden, and it's pulling up my petunias with its tail". "Oh?" said the sheriff. "and what is it doing with the petunias?". "Sheriff, if I told you, you'd never believe me!"

Frantically joke, Traveling Circus

As airplanes about to crash...

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

Redneck husband and wife are smuggling a couple skunks across the border.

As they approach the border checkpoint the wife panics..."what do I do with these?!" she exclaims while frantically fumbling the skunks
"Quick now Mary Ann, hide them under your skirt!" said the red-neck husband in between his beer chug.
"Now, now whattabout the gadaym stink?!" says Mary Ann...
"If they die, they die hunnycakes"

A daughter is seemingly possessed by a demon...

Her mother frantically calls their priest, requesting an exorcism. She describes the details "She has been spinning about wildly, climbing on the walls, running on the ceiling.. moving about non-stop!" The priest replies "I don't know what you want me to do. Sounds like she's already exercising plenty!"

Peeing !

A drunken man was casually peeing into a drinking fountain in the park.
A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically.
"What do you think you're doing. There's a public toilet fifty meters from here!"
The man, amazed, yells back.
"What do you think I have, a hose?

You can explore frantically back reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean frantically avail dad jokes. There are also frantically puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


The police break into a blender's apartment.

The police point their guns at the blender and say "Freeze! You've been charged with first degree murder!".
The blender frantically responds " Wait officers, this is a big mix-up!

Timmy's April Fool's joke

The day is April 1st, and Timmy wanted to play an April Fool's joke on his mom.
His mom comes home from work, and Timmy rushes to her.

"Mommy! Mommy!" He says, frantically.

"What is it, Timmy?" She asks.

"Dad hanged himself in the garage!"

The mom screams, then rushes to the garage, but nothing is there. She walks back in the house.

"Nothing is in the garage." She says to him.

"April fool's!"

"Oh than-"

"He hanged himself in the loft."

A mama's boy is frantically running out of a strip club yelling...

MY MOMMA TOLD ME IF I EVER CAME INTO A PLACE LIKE THIS I'D TURN INTO STONE.
AND I FEEL IT'S STARTING

In a hospital

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.

A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"

He said, "I heard the nurse say, It's a very simple operation, don't worry. I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you. What's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"

A mentally ill man visits his doctor

This is a joke I've only heard in Russian, so I did my best to translate it:

A mentally ill man visits his doctor.

While frantically brushing off his arms and torso he says to the physician "You have to help me doc! I'm covered in tiny alligators and crocodiles."

to which the doctor replies "Well then stop throwing them on me!"

Frantically joke, A mentally ill man visits his doctor

A man bursts into a doctor's office...

...and is frantically looking for the doctor. Finally he finds him in one of the rooms but he is with someone. Still, the man shouts out, "Doctor! Doctor, you have to help me. I think I'm shrinking!"

And the doctor says, "Now, now. You'll just have to be a little patient."

Multiple choice test

A teacher has administered a multiple choice test to his students. During the exam he notices one student is flipping a quarter and then filling in his answer key. This continues throughout the exam. Nearing the end of the exam, the techer notices the student picking up pace. He is flipping his quarter faster and faster and frantically erasing and scribbling on his test. The teacher approaches the student and asks "what are you doing?"

"Just double checking my answers"

A woman got stung by a bee on the golf course

As she was allergic to bee stings, she frantically ran to the clubhouse to get help. "I've been stung by a bee," she cried to the clubhouse attendant. "Where were you stung?" he asked. "Between the first and second hole," she said. He replied, "I think your stance may be a little too wide."


A rabbi, a lawyer, and a priest are on a cruise ship as it starts to sink...

As chaos ensues and people are running around frantically, the three men huddle together and try to make a grave decision.

The rabbi says, "we must save the children!"

The lawyer says, "no, screw the children!"

Then the priest says, "do we really have time to screw the children?"

3 prisoners are to be executed by a firing squad

The first one thinking of ways to escape shouted "EARTHQUAKE!" which caused everyone to panic and allowed the prisoner to escape.
The second prisoner seeing what the first one did shouted "TORNADO!" which caused everyone to panic again and also allowed him to escape
The third prisoner, knowing what the others did, frantically shouted "FIRE!"

Man runs frantically towards the moving icecream truck..

"Wait!" He exclaimed.

The truck stops and the driver asks, "What can I get you today?". "Oh, nothing. I just wanted to let you know I'm a vegan."

Guy wakes up to breakfast in bed...

his lunch is made, and he notices he's late for work. Frantically, he calls work, and they let him know that his wife already called to let them know he would be late.

He asks his son what happened that his mom was so happy. The son says "Dad, you came home drunk last night, and mom brought you to bed, and when she tried to take your shirt off, you said 'Get off me lady, I'm married!"

A pregnant woman goes into a coma

A pregnant woman goes into a coma moments after she gives birth to twins, one boy and one girl.
When she finally wakes up several days later, she cries out frantically to see her children.
The doctors come to her, and the first thing she asks is "How are my children?"
"Fine" says the doctor, "your brother named them".
She thinks to herself, "Oh no!" "My brother's an idiot" and she asks the doctor "What did he name them?"
The doctor says "He named the girl Denise"
And she thinks, Well, maybe I misjudged my brother... Denise isn't such a bad name"
What did he name the boy?"
Replies the doctor "De nephew."

What's in a name?

A pregnant woman lapses into a coma. She awakens and frantically calls for her doctor. "You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're fine," he says. "Your brother named them."

Oh, no, the new mother thinks.Β He's an idiot. Expecting the worst, she asks, "What's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

Not bad, she thinks.Β I guess I was wrong about him. "And the boy?"

"DeNephew."

A man frantically walks into the doctor's office...

...and begins to shout, "I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam!"

"Calm down, calm down!" The doctor says.

"You're two tents!"

A plane is about to crash

A female passenger gets up and frantically announces, "if I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "here iron this."

A lady was putting gas in her car today while smoking a cigarette.

Unfortunately, the lady caught her arm of fire. She was frantically moving her flaming arm in the air until a police officer brutally slammed her to the ground and handcuffed her. "Why are you arresting her?" I said. "She was waving a firearm" he responded.

I got a call from a friend at 3 AM. She said frantically over the phone, "James, help! There's someone in my apartment!

I was so pumped full of adrenaline, it was tough to get back to sleep.


Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

If Paul Walker was alive right now, I bet he would be

Frantically scratching at the inside of his coffin.

Beer was lit

An Irish man is pulled from a burning bar and shaken awake. The firemen frantically ask him, 'How did the fire start?!'

'Beats me.' He says, 'It was already burning when I got here.'

The CEO of a big company got abducted...

The abductors released a message through the PA system:

"Prepare ten million by noon or we burn him alive!"

The employees frantically decided to gather, and one proposed to pitch in together in order to help out.

Some pitched in five litres, some pitched in ten.

Medicine

Jim walked up to Joe who was frantically jumping up and down. So he asked Joe, "what are you doing?" Joe said while jumping, "This bottle says to shake well before use!"


A guy frantically runs into a therapist's office

wearing nothing but seran wrap underwear. The therapist takes one look at him and says "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

Dark as charcoal

A mother goes to the kindergarten to pick up her daughter.

She arrives to a nightmarish scene, the whole place is crawling with fireman, emergency vehicles and panicked parents, the kindergarten caught on fire, smoke everywhere.

She runs around frantically calling for her daughter: "Amber! has anyone seen my Amber!?!"
She tries to run inside the smouldering ruins of the kindergarten, but a fireman stops her, and says: "Sorry ma'm, but there's only Ashleys in there."

A man and his son go for a walk through the woods and get separated.

After frantically searching for his son, the man finally finds him standing over a dead animal and poking it with a stick.

Dad, what's this? The boy asks

Carrion, my wayward son.

Guy walks into a bar

Grabs a seat and orders a whiskey double, neat. The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over. The gentleman reaches into his blazer searching frantically. This catches the bartenders attention so he monitors the patron out the corner of his eye. Finally the man finds what he's looking for and sighs a sigh of relief. He pulls out a straw and takes a sip of his whiskey. The perplexed bartender grabs his attention "I'm terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty?" To which the man replies surprised "oh no no everything's fine! I just promised my wife I'd never put my lips on another glass of whiskey again." 😳

On a film set, everyone is getting ready to start shooting, when the director calls for his assistant to bring him the script.

The assistant runs onto set and starts kicking over props, crawling around the floor and frantically pulling his hair.

As the assistant starts tearing off his clothes and shaking them around, the director thinks to himself, "He's lost the plot!"

Wife calls her husband and says, Be careful driving home. Some idiot is driving the wrong direction on the freeway.

Husband frantically replies, No! It's not just one guy going the wrong direction! There's dozens of them!

My wife shouted at me to go out and find her some tampons, quick!

So, I sprinted to the car, paced down the street, rushed into the store, frantically looking down each aisle until I finally got to the tampons, hurried back to my car and raced home as fast as I could! I burst in through the front door, ran up the stairs, slammed open the bathroom door and shouted, "Walmart, halfway down aisle 10, bottom shelf!"

A man speaks frantically on phone with a doctor...

"My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

An Eskimo drops his truck off at the shop

I'll be back in an hour says the Eskimo
The Eskimo stops at an ice cream shop on the way back. Upon returning, the Eskimo asks the mechanic
What's wrong with my truck?
To which the mechanical responds
It looks like you blew a seal.
The Eskimo frantically replies
It's vanilla ice cream, I swear!

A parachutist is plummeting to Earth

Because her ripcord malfunctioned.

As she frantically pulls at the defective cord, she passes a man atop a stove traveling the opposite way.

She yells out to him, Hey, do you know how to fix a parachute!?

He replies back No! Do you know anything about repairing gas lines??

A women walks into a police station

She frantically tells the policeman on duty,

"Help, I've been graped!"

The policeman replied,

"Do you mean raped?"

She shakes her head and says,

"No there was a bunch of them"

The other day while scuba diving for seafood it dawned on me that everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself,

that's shellfish.

Two men are hunting in the woods...

Andy and Ed are off hunting on a hot summer's day, when all of a sudden Ed collapses, seizing and foaming at the mouth. Andy panics and instantly whips out his phone to call 911.

"I think my friend is dead!" Andy frantically yells into the phone.

"Ok, calm down sir. Let's take this one step at a time. First, let's make sure he's actually dead."

There's a silence, then two shots are heard. Back on the phone, Andy says, "Ok, now what?"

My wife was going into labour

Frantically I asked her what I should do, and she told me to call her an ambulance.
So I said, You are an ambulance

John gave his hillbilly cousin Billy a phonecard. "You can make calls with this ." John then went to get a drink.

In the corner of his eye, he noticed Billy whispering frantically into the card: "Hello? Hello? Can you hear me?"

My friend called me in a panic and shouted, An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don't know what to do! Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...

...he's really a big lyre.

So I was in my room and I saw a group of ten ants just running around frantically. I felt badly for them so I made a small house for them. out of a cardboard box.

This technically makes me their landlord and they are my.....

Tenants

A woman accidentally locked her keys in her car and was pacing frantically on the side of the street, when a soldier from Boston passing by saw this and assured her that he could help. She looked on in amazement as he removed his trousers, rolled them into a tight ball...

...and rubbed them against the car door.

Magically, it opened!!

"That's incredible!!" the woman gasped. "How did you do it?"

"Easy..." replied the soldier. "These are my khakis."

A man calls 911

A man calls 911, frantically telling the operator that there has been a hunting accident.

"My friend tripped and dropped his shotgun. It went off, and he accidentally shot himself. He is bleeding, and I don't know what to do. I think he might be dead."

"Okay", the operator says. "Please try to stay calm. First, we need to make sure he is dead".

"Okay", the man says.

The operator listens to an extended silence, followed by a gunshot.

"Okay", the man says. "Now what?"

A wedding photographer was tragically killed today when a 250lb wheel of cheese fell off the catering lorry and crushed him.

All the guests tried frantically to warn him, but to no avail.

A robber decides to rob a house.

He comes in silently, doesn't turn on any lights, and starts to look for the valuables. In one room, he suddenly hears a voice say I can see you! And Jesus can see you too! The robber looks around frantically in the dark, when he hears the same voice, again say I can see you! And Jesus can see you too! The robber takes out his flashlight, and turns it on to see a parrot. He breathes a sigh of relief, and taunts by saying You're just a parrot. What are you going to do? The parrot responds I may be just a parrot, but Jesus is a Doberman.

So, I was in my room and I saw a group of 10 ants just running frantically. I felt bad, so I made a small house for them out of a cardboard box. This technically makes me their landlord and they are my...

Tenants

Racing a bear

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, 'What are you doing? Sneakers won't help you outrun that bear.' 'I don't need to outrun the bear,' the first guy says. 'I just need to outrun you.'

As an airplane is about to crash

a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

A group of friends are hiking in the mountains, when they spot a bear running towards them...

They frantically drop everything then start running from the bear. But the bear soon catches up to the slowest friend and mauls him.

The horrified friends watch in horror as the bear feasts on their deceased mate.

Then one of them breaks into tears sobbing:


"I feel so guilty!"

"It could've been any of us, my friend. You should not feel any shame or guilt!"

"You mean... You guys would've tripped him too?"

I want to die like my grandpa...

Peacefully in his sleep. Not like the passengers that were frantically trying to wake him up in his car.

A man gets home for work and runs to the couch

Yells to his wife "HONEY QUICK GET ME A BEER BEFORE IT STARTS"
Frantically she runs to the kitchen grabs a beer runs it over to him. He chugs it.
"QUICK BRING ANOTHER ONE!"
Confused she runs and gets another one brings it to him.
He chugs it.
"ONE MORE TIME BEFORE IT STARTS!"
She says "YOU GET HOME FROM WORK HOP ON THE COUCH AND START BARKING ORDERS WHILE ALL DAY IVE BEEN...
"Nevermind it started"

A guy runs into the doctor's office frantically yelling "I'm shrinking doc, I'm shrinking!"

Doctor replies "I am extremely busy today. You're just gonna have to be a little patient."

A man speaks frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!"

The doctor asks, "Is this her first child?"

The man replies, "No! Idiot! I'm her husband!"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the frantically earnestly puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working frantically sped piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes