France Jokes
163 france jokes and hilarious france puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about france that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Read original jokes that poke fun of France and its culture, from its military to its football and Tour de France! Whether it's its surrender to Germany or its white flags, these jokes make light of the French culture in a humorous way. Enjoy a good laugh as you explore the unique relationship between France and its neighboring countries.
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Funniest France Short Jokes
Short france jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The france humour may include short surrender jokes also.
- TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught. It's called the Tour de France.
- A German was going to a trip in France... He reached passport control and the officer asked:
"Name?"
"Hans Kleiner"
"Age?"
"31"
"Occupation?"
"No no, just visiting" - A German tourist comes to France ...a border control asks him
"Occupation?"
German: No just visiting. - If France and Italy go to war, who would win? None of them, France would surrender and Italy would switch sides.
- They currently think the person who ruined the Tour de France might have been German. Well, she did try to take down a whole race...
- France and Italy simultaneously declare war on each other France surrenders
Italy changes sides
Both lose - TIL France got a different version of The Force Awakens than the rest of the world. While the international version ends with Rey and Luke, the French version ends with fin.
- In France, do you know why they only eat one egg at breakfast time? Because one egg is enough
- Why did France give the Statue of Liberty to the USA? Because the French had no use for a statue with only one hand in the air.
- I bought the new Call of Duty wwii in France. But for some reason, I can only be a spectator.
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France One Liners
Which france one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with france? I can suggest the ones about france war and germany france.
- What happens when you go to the bathroom in France? European.
- Why does France have so many river? Water follows the path of least resistance.
- French fries weren't cooked in France. They were cooked in Greece.
- What do they call the hunger games in France? Battle Royale with Cheese.
- Why do the French make omelettes with only one egg? Because in France one egg is un oeuf.
- Who won the first Tour De France? The 2nd Panzer Division.
- I went to a place in France last week It was nice.
- What happened when I jumped off a famous building in France? Eiffel
- I couldn't make it to the top of the tower in France. I fell.
- What do they do with the bikes at the end of the Tour de France? They recycle them.
- I tripped in France Eiffel over
- Who won the Tour de France in 1940? The Sixth German Panzer Division.
- I once went to an all you can eat bakery in France. It was a painful experience.
- Where is the best place to 69 in France? Nice.
- Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? Da Brie is everywhere
Tour De France Jokes
Here is a list of funny tour de france jokes and even better tour de france puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If you ever miss the Tour de France, just go to Amsterdam. It's basically the same thing: a bunch of people on drugs riding bikes.
- I may not have as many Oscars as Leo anymore but... I've still got as many Tour De France wins as Lance Armstrong.
- Who won the first Tour de France? The 3rd German Tank Division.
- Amsterdam is like a tour de France - it's full of people on bikes and drugs.
--
Heard this last weekend while visiting Amsterdam - Who won the first Tour de France? I don't know his name, but I know he was in a German tank.
- A nuclear physicist is convinced he can win the Tour de France He says biking is just a chain reaction.
- What impresses me the most about Tour de France athletes is that they can go for five hours without looking at their cellphones.
- Everyone should stop hating on Lance Armstrong.
He won 7 Toure De France's on DRUGS!
When I'm on drugs, I can't even FIND my bicycle. - How long did the first Tour de France last? 3 months. The 3rd Panzerdivision.
- Always been a race fan Boy, they're really pulling out all the stops at the Tour de France nowadays.
Germany France Jokes
Here is a list of funny germany france jokes and even better germany france puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Germany used to have a large French speaking region. It was called France
- What did Germany say to France after conquering Poland? Europe next.
- Germany and France go to war. Who loses? Belgium
- Two germans are on vacation France had closed the border at Germany, so they couldn't get through. The germans enter through Belgium instead.
- A decently funny war joke Germany and France go to war. Who loses?
Belgium - Why did it take Germany six weeks to take over France? Someone was probably Stalin.
- How did Germany defeat France in 1940? A Low Blow.
- [Topical subject] France v Germany...ended in a shootout.
- France vs Germany was a close match There were lots of shots and it ended in a shootout apparently.
France War Jokes
Here is a list of funny france war jokes and even better france war puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- North Korea threatens to start nuclear war France surrenders just in case
- TIL during World War Two, a cheese factory in France was bombed by the Germans. De brie was everywhere!
- Did you hear about the war between France and Italy? Italy switched sides and France surrendered
- France and Italy declare war... France surrenders and Italy switches sides. Both countries lose.
- What's the most redundant thing during war? The red and blue in france's flag
- Breaking News: North Korea declares war on South Korea! Related Story: France surrenders to N. Korea!
- In every country of the world children play "war" Exept in France where they play "surrender"
- Going to war without France is like going to hunting without your accordion
- Hey guys have you read the novel "The War That France Won"? It's my favorite example of historical fiction.
- When Chuck Norris played the card game War with a friend, France surrendered.
France Surrenders Jokes
Here is a list of funny france surrenders jokes and even better france surrenders puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What does every frenchmen learn in first grade of school? (sorry France) How to surrender in 6 different languages.
- French Presidential bodyguard accidentally discharges weapon whilst on duty... France & Italy have both offer their immediate unconditional surrender.
- When Chuck Norris visits Europe on vacation, France surrenders.
- I'm shocked France won the world cup, They usually just give up and surrender.
- Latest News Regarding North Korea France Surrenders
Cheerful Fun France Jokes for Lovely Laughter
What funny jokes about france you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tour de france jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make france pranks.
Colin was on a long drive from Portugal to Spain with this cute girl he liked. When Colin made a move and kept his arm on her shoulder. The girl winked and said you can go further.
Colin drove to France.
French Jokes
Who won the first Tour de France?
The 6th Panzer division.
Why do french tanks have rear-view mirrors?
To see the front line.
How many French troops does it take to defend Paris?
No one knows.
The Amazing City of Paris
During a trip to France, my sister sat next to me on the aircraft. Looking outside the window, I couldn't help but sigh at the amazing beauty of Paris.
Me: "Ah... How I'd love to be born in Paris."
Her: "I wouldn't."
Confused, I asked her: "Why not?"
Her: "Because I don't speak French."
American scientists made a clocks ...
that goes forward a second if someone swears near it.
So for testing they put them in army barracks of England, France and Russia. After a while they go and check on clocks.
In England clock is 2 second forward. In France clock is 30 seconds forward. They now visit Russia and see that clock is missing.
They ask nearby solider :"What happened to the clock?".
Solider replies : "We didn't need that fan in here."
My girlfriend's response to a lesbian joke that I told her
Years ago I told my girlfriend a joke, it went something like this:
Me: Did you hear about the French lesbian who went back home to France?
Her: (Shakes her head no)
Me: She missed her native tongue.
After I said the punchline, she didn't get it, just sat there and looked at me straight-faced, trying to make sense of it, finally she blurts out, "They have natives in France?"
Why are there so many tree-lined roads in France?
Because German soldiers prefer to march in the shade.
Clever son!
Father: Which one do you love more , me or Mommy?
Son: I love you both.
Father: Very Well , lets say I went to Japan and Mommy went to France which country will you go to?
Son: Japan.
Father: See, that you love Mommy more than me?
Son: No, I just want to visit Japan.
Father: Very well , lets say I went to Japan and Mommy went to France which country will you go to?
Son: France.
Father: See?
Son: No its just because I have already visited Japan! :D
Apparently France wanted to change their name after WWII.
Unfortunately the name Iran was already taken.
Why are there no casinos in France?
Because nobody likes Toulouse.
I love that tower in France
I hear it's an eye full
I live in the United States. Upon taking some classes in France I notice a gorgeous bombshell pass me. I check her out hard.
I guess you could say I was really studying a broad.
If lightning always takes the path of least resistance...
why doesn't it always strike France?
Why does lightning strike in France so often?
Because it follows the path of least resistance.
How long does it take to drive across France?
3 days by panzer
A cheese factory in France exploded.
All that was left was debris.
USA has 9/11, France has 11/13, and Israel has?
24/7
What do you call hot women in France?
Tourists
As a German I have concerns about the European soccer championship...
Last time it didn't end well when we sent a couple boys to France to defeat all of Europe.
Lance Armstrong
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong. Especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike
Obama calls for greater truck control laws.
Apparently the the truck in France had a fully automatic transmission.
Traffic accidents
A Frenchman and an Englishman are talking at a bar:
Frenchman: "Did you hear, in France they lowered the the amount of alcohol you can drink before driving. But now car accidents have significantly increased"
Englishman: " Wow, how can that be?"
Frenchman: " Well its because if a man drinks wine with a meal at a restaurant, his wife has to drive him home"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do the Romans use more eggs in their omelets than the French?
Because the Romans feel that when it comes to eggs, you can't have too many o**....
But in France, they believe that one egg is un ouef.
A German got pulled over by the police in France
*Police officer:* "Name?"
*German:* "Heinrich Klimt"
*Police officer:* "Age?"
*German:* "31"
*Police officer:* "occupation?"
*German:* "No, no. Just visiting"
I took a vacation to a city in France.
It was Nice.
..Trump said "Buy american, Hire american"
Standing on an Ikea podium from *Sweden*, behind bullet proof by Saint Gobain Glass from *France*, smiling at a 4K Sony *Japanese* Video camera, speaking into a Dolby Sennheiser *German* microphone, with vigorous hand gestures giving a glimpse of a Rolex under the cuff made in *Switzerland*
he patriotically said ..*"Buy American, Hire American, Stop Immigrants".* while standing beside a *Slovenian wife*
What do Princess Diana and Champagne have in common?
Both come from France in a wooden box.
Nukes
What's the next Muslim country that will have nukes?
France
A German man was crossing the border into France...
The French border guard asked to see his papers, as he skimmed through them he ran off a stream of questions.
"Name?"
The German smiled, "Hans Lehrer"
"Age?"
The German replied, "37"
"Occupation?"
The German shook his head,
"No, not this time."
3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.
After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.
Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.
Then they took the Italian spy and did the same to him, but he didnt give any info. They kept torturing him for 3 hours but with no luck. Eventually they gave up and put him back in the cell.
The 2 other spies asked him How did you do that? They tortured us like crazy! The Italian replied: I wanted to give all my info, but they tied my hands and so I couldn't speak.
If a man were born in Russia, raised in Spain, and buried in France, what would he be?
Dead.
A mother is helping her son study for a geography test.
She asks him: "What is the capital of Germany?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"What is the capital of France?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"What is the capital of Russia?"
"Berlin," says the boy.
"Good job, Adolf, you'll do great on your test tomorrow."
A man in France tried to rob a bank using underwear as a mask...
...the cops put him in jail right after a quick debriefing.
The President of Brazil, France and United States share a flight around the world
The United state president puts his hands out of the windows and says:
"We are in the US! I just touched the Statue of Liberty"
Some time passes, the French president puts his hands out and says out loud:
"Now we are in France. I just touched the Eiffel tower".
After a while the Brazilian president also puts his hands out of the Airplane and says:
"Yes, we finally are in Brazil. I just had my watch stolen"
If I own a bakery in France...
am I the master of pain?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**... goes to France
As he reaches the immigration desk, the clerk reviews his passport and asks, "Name?"
The fuhrer whispers, "Adolf h**..."
"Occupation?"
h**... shakes his head... "No, just visiting".
A German is traveling to France
A German is traveling to France and is going through passport control. The agent asks the German, Reason for travel?
For work, replies the German.
Occupation? asks the agent.
No, I'll just be here a few days.
A French monk wrote a manifesto stating that every woman would agree to sell her body for money. The manifesto was read by the Queen of France and she invited the monk for a chat.
- So, you're stating that every women would agree to sell herself?
- Yes.
- Me too?
- Of course.
- And how much do you think I would cost?
- 500 francs.
- What?! Only 500 francs?!
- Here you go - you've already started to negotiate.
I'm not very good at geography...
But I can name a city in France, which is Nice
I didn't want Belgium to win
I wanted France Toulouse
France just did something that they couldn't do for a long time
They won something in Russia.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many French do you need to defend France?
Nobody knows, no one has tried.
They say when you go to France that you never truly come back
Well that was somewhat true for princess Diana
On a good day, you can see France from Dover
But on a perfect day you can't!
A huge earthquake shook Mexico
Around 3000 people died.
The world combined efforts to help Mexico during these hard times.
England gave medicine.
France sent food.
Germany made huge donations.
USA sent 3000 Mexicans to replenish the stock
How is France like francium?
They both burst into flames when coming in contact with anything.
I just changed my car engine to France.
Gonna have tons of revolutions now!
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of international capitals. She said, "Go ahead and quiz me. I know all of them!"
Her friend asked, "What's the capital of France?"
The blonde replied, "Oh, that's so easy! F."
A new disease in France turns people into bread.
French authorities are unable to contain the spread, and the disease begins to make its way through Europe and to the rest of the world.
It's a paindemic.
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks where'd you get that? And the frog says in France. There's loads of them
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is a female " d**..." in France called??
A d**...-baguette
What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.
I met a old guy, he's been married 60 years. I asked how did you do it ...
He answered, on my honeymoon I took my wife to France, I go back next week to pick her up.
A guy rides his motorcycle through the border from Spain to France every week carrying two bags of sand.
The border guard searched the bags every time, but never found anything, so he had to let him through. The guard has his last day at work before retiring and the guy comes to the border again, carrying his two bags of sand. The guard says "look, man, it's my last day, I'm not going to bust you. You're clearly smuggling *something* across the border all this time but we never find anything, what is it.". The guy says "I'm smuggling motorcycles"
Once an American, a French and an Indian were travelling in an airplane.
To find out where they have reached, the American stretched his hand out of the plane and said, "We have reached America".
The other two asked how for which he replied,"Well my hand hit the Statue of Liberty".
Next the French stretches his hand out and said,"We have reached France".
The other two asks how for which he replied,"Well my hand hit the Eiffel Tower".
Then the Indian puts his hand out of the plane and said, "We have reached India".
The other two asks how and he replied, "Well someone stole my watch".
