Four Eyes Jokes

A husband and wife have four boys. The odd part of it is that the older three have red hair, light skin, and are tall, while the youngest son has black hair, dark eyes, and is short.
The father eventually takes ill and is lying on his deathbed when he turns to his wife and says, "Honey, before I die, be completely honest with me. Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replies, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." With that, the husband passes away. The wife then mutters, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.

Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.
She took my hand and took me to our bedroom.
The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over.
She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes!
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did.
And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."
So here I am.

An Irishman visits his doctor after a long illness.

An Irishman goes to his doctor after a long illness.
The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighs, looks him in the eye and says, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and I'm afraid it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live."
The guy is shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He walks back into the waiting room where his son is waiting for him and says, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let go to the pub and have a few pints."
After four or five pints, they are feeling a little less somber. There are some laughs and more beers.
Eventually the two are approached by some of the guy's old friends who ask them what they are celebrating. So the guy tells his friends, "I've got only a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
His friends give are quite shocked about this and so they stay to have a couple of beers with him and his son.
After his friends leave, the guys' son leans over to his dad and whispers in confusion „Dad, I though you said that you had cancer? Why you just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
Well , the guy says, "I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

Cell Phone Etiquette

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.
When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,
"Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

The cursed Prince. This summer's best love story.

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch.
The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year.
However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words (this was before the time of letter writing or sign language).
One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love.
With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say, "my darling,"
But, at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).
But, at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So, he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.
Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds.
Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily,
"My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"
And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said,
"Pardon?"

Cell phone in public...

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled
out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

Artemis the Strangler

A few years ago, there was a hitman named Artemis who was known and sought after for his uncanny ability to strangle people. One day, he got an assignment from the local mob to take out a man who owed huge amounts of money and was refusing to pay it back. Artemis took the job, but the man turned out to be almost impossible to find. The target would seemingly vanish whenever Artemis was in the vicinity and tracking him was practically impossible.
However, one day Artemis got a call from his boss. The man had been spotted at a local Kroger and, since nobody knew when he would appear again, Artemis was to strangle the man in the store. Artemis was reluctant at first, but he was getting very tired of the long project and agreed to track the man inside.
Luckily, Artemis was able to corner the man in the produce aisle and strangle him. Unluckily, just as he was laying the man's body down, a woman came around the corner. Artemis panicked and in his desperation strangled the woman, only to see a poor store clerk out of the corner of his eye. Artemis strangled this man too. Finally, a manager came around the corner and also met his end.
All of this became too much for Artemis to cover up and he was arrested outside of the store. The next day, the local paper ran the headline:
ARTY CHOKES FOUR FOR A DOLLAR AT KROGERS

The Camping Trip

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.
Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."
So here I am.

Irish immigration

A married couple arrive in Ireland by way of car-ferry, and are just about to drive off into the Irish countryside, when an immigration officer stops them. "Now wait just a minute" says the officer. "You're driving an Audi Quattro. I know Quattro means four - so where are the other two people?"
The driver looks confused, and says "What do you mean? There's only us two."
The officer says "You can't pull the wool over my eyes. Quattro means four. You're supposed to have four people in this vehicle."
After some back-and-forth, the driver has had enough, and finally says "Look, this is silly. It's just the two of us. Can I speak to your superior?"
"I'd let you talk to him" says the Irish immigration officer. "But he's busy over there, dealing with two guys in a Fiat Uno."

Insane asylum

on his short walk from work to home Jared has to pass by a mental institution. Although it is completely blocked off by a brickwall he sometimes hears the patients enjoying their time outside.
One day while passing the asylum Jared heare a slow steady chant from the inmates.
"Four.. four.. four..four..four..four.."
Both suprise and curious Jared starts searching the brick wall for a crack so he can see why they are chanting when by luck he finds a decent sized hole in the wall.
He bends down, closes one eye, leans forward to peer inside, and a finger comes out and pokes him right in his eye!
He falls back in suprise and pain and the inmates start chanting "Five..five..five..five".

Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years...

Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!

"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your misses into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night..

Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and
put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been
reading '50 Shades of Grey'......

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie
her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.'

So--- Here I am!

A blonde gets a job painting lines on the highway...

A blonde gets a job painting lines on the highway. At the end of the first day, her supervisor is impressed. "Wow!" he says. "You did eight miles today! That's amazing!"
The second day, the blonde's production is down to four miles. "Still pretty darn good," the supervisor says.
On the third day, the blonde only does two miles. The supervisor calls her into the office. "What's going on?" he asks. "The first day you did great with eight miles, then yesterday you were down to four, and today you only managed two. What's the problem?"
The blonde rolls her eyes and says "Duh! The paint bucket keeps getting farther away!"

A guy is driving along when he spots a gypsies caravan on the side of the road with a sign saying, "readings $10 per person".

He pulls over thinking this could be a laugh, and enters the caravan.
The gypsy immediately grabs his hands, looks at them for a couple of seconds and looks up into the guys eyes.
She says, "Thriller, pretty woman, when doves cry ,stairway to heaven."
"wow", said the guy, "those are my favourite songs!"
"impressive", he continues, "please, tell me my future"
"can not" exclaims the gypsy, "I am just a four tune teller"