Founding Fathers Jokes

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck?!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents.
They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder.
"Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don"t know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what"s going on."
So the boy"s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. "I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn"t intend to come back."
"He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money.
So I did."

Inspiration.

A priest sees a young man walk into his church. He's downtrodden, shabby-looking, obviously in distress.
"My son, what's troubling you?"
"Oh, Father, I'm at my wit's end. I got fired, the bills are piling up, my credit cards are maxed out, I'm about to lose everything. I don't know what to do!"
"Take heart, my son" the priest says. "All shall be well in the fullness of time. Go to a nice, quiet park, where you can be at one with nature. Set your bible on a table, contemplate your trials and tribulations, and wait for the wind to flip the pages of your good book. Read what it says there, and you shall find your inspiration."
The man leaves, and the priest does not see him for several weeks. Then one day, the young man pulls up to the church driving a new Porsche, wearing an expensive Italian designer suit, obviously on top of the world.
"My goodness, son, you've certainly turned your life around!"
"Yes, Father, and I owe it all to you! I did what you said-when I looked at my bible, I knew I had found the answer!"
"That's wonderful, son. But if I may ask, what was it that you read?"
"Chapter 13."

A father is getting his daughter ready for bed...

during her bedtime prayer she said, "bless Mommy, bless Daddy, goodbye Grandpa." The father found that to be a little weird, but the following day the little girl's grandfather passed away.
The next night at bedtime her prayer was was similar, "bless Mommy, bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma." Sure enough the following day, the little girl's grandma passed away.
The following night at bedtime the daughter gave the most terrifying prayer yet, "bless Mommy, bless my brother, goodbye Daddy." That night the father did not get one bit of sleep, and the following day he made every effort possible to be as careful as he could. Thankfully he made it through the day just fine. Arriving home he told his wife what a terrible day he had to which she interrupted him with, "Oh, you think you've had a horrible day? The milkman dropped dead on the front porch this morning!"

Financial planning

Roy was a single guy, living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three weeks later, she became his stepmother.

Tata daddy

One day a father was walking by his sons room and heard him praying. "God bless mommy and daddy and grandma, tata grandpa" he said. The dad was confused but happy to know that his 6 year,old was praying. The next morning he found grandpa dead of a heart attack. That night he listend to his son again. "God bless mommy and daddy tata grandma." As he suspected he found grandma dead of a heart attack. Then that night he listened to his son again."God bless mommy tata daddy" as you can imagine he was freaking out so he went to the docter and came home and found his wife and she said "Thankgoodness your here we found the mailman dead on our porch this morning!"

I cannot tell a lie.

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favour?"
"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"
"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"
"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I cannot lie."
"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the "hair remover".
The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son", he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied, "I have there a marvellous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"

The Fish Princess and the Commoner Crab

Once upon a time, in the undersea kingdom, there lived a fish princess. This fish princess had fallen in love with a peasant crab.
When her father, the fish king, found out about their affair he forbade her to ever see him again. When she asked him why he replied "No daughter of mine will consort with a lowly sideways-walking crab!"
Devastated, but with no other choice, the fish princess goes to her crab and delivers the news. "My father says we can't be together," she tells him, "he says you're a lowly side-walker, and that I'm forbidden to see you." The crab, crushed by the news, turns and sadly walks away - sidewise, of course.
That night there was a gala ball at the fish palace. All the nobility of the undersea kingdom was there in attendance including, of course, the fish king and princess. Then, at the very height of festivities, the doors to the ballroom suddenly burst open... and there was the crab.
The entire room burst into excited whispers, all the attendees having heard the rumor of the princess' affair with a side-walking commoner. To their surprise, however, before their very eyes, the crab took one step forward... then another step forward... and another... walking forward down the red carpet toward the king on his throne.
As the crab approached the king the room went silent in anticipation. The crab looked the king square in the eye... opened his mouth... and slurred "I am soooooo super drunk right now."

Three nuns were talking about their chores...

Three nuns were talking about their chores. The first nun says: "I was putting away father's laundry, when i found some pornographic magazines in his drawer!"
"So what did you do?" The second nun asks.
"I threw them away." The first nun replies.
The second nun scoffs and says she can top that. "When I was making father's bed, I found some condoms underneath his pillow!"
"So what did you do?" The first nun asks.
"I poked holes in all of them!" The second nun exclaims.
The third nun fainted.

Two identical twins separated at birth...

... And are put up for adoption. One of the twins gets adopted by a Mexican couple and is named Juan. The other twin gets adopted by an Egyptian family and is named Hamal.
Years later their biological mother and father receive a letter from both their children saying how through a bizarre series of coincidences they had found eachother and had tracked down their address. Enclosed was a picture of Juan smiling happily with his adoptive Mexican parents.
"Oh" the mother says to her husband. "he's so handsome! And seems so happy! I wish I knew what his brother looks like."
"Honey" said her husband "They're twins, once you've seen Juan, you've seen Hamal."

Three nuns are gossiping about a priest.

The first nun said, "I was going through father's desk and found pornographic magazines in his drawer."
The second nun gasped and asked, "What did you do with them?"
"I burned them."
The second nun then said, "I was going through father's drawers and found a box of condoms."
The first nun gasped and asked, "What did you do with them?"
"I poked holes in them."
The third nun fainted.

The magic river

There was a family (the father, mother and a son) of black people who wanted to be white.
Not wanting to end up like Michael Jackson, they wanted a non-surgically way of going from black to white so they paid a visit to their village's wizard, who said:
" There's a river 2 miles north of here. If you can swim across it you will become white"
When they got to the river, they found that it was full of crocodiles swimming in it. And yet they gave it a shot.
The father went in and surprisingly made it across the river without a scratch. Like the wizard said, he became white
Seeing that it was actually true, the mother dived and made it to the other margin with some flesh wounds, but she turned white like the magician said.
Finally the son dived. He tried his best, but the crocodile caught up to him and he died in the river.
Upon seeing this, the father says
"Don't be sad, he was black!"

The boy went to say his nightly prayers....

His father listened from the door as the boy said "God bless mommy, God bless Daddy, God Bless Grandma, goodbye grandpa"
The next day the family awoke to found the grandpa dead, but brushed it off as an awful coincidence.
A few days go by and the boy is saying his prayer "God bless mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma."
Sure enough the next day she is dead, and the father is starting to really freak out.
A week goes by and the boy is saying his prayers "God bless mommy, goodbye Daddy"
The next day the father wakes up, goes to work, and stresses the entire day about his fate. When he gets home he is upset and wants to console with his wife. She is also upset and he asks what wrong.
She says "You'll never believe what happened today the mailman came to deliver the mail and dropped dead right on the doorstep"

Legs up in the Air

One day little Susie went into her back yard and found her dog Muffles lying dead with its legs up in the air. She asked, "Daddy, Daddy why is Muffles legs in the air?" Thinking quickly, her dad replied, "This way Jesus can come down and take Muffles to heaven easier."
The next day when Susie's dad came home she ran up to him and said, "Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today." Flustered, her father said, "Honey what happened?" And Susie said, "Well Mommy's legs were up in the air and she was screaming 'Oh Jesus I'm coming I'm coming' and if it wasn't for the milkman holding her down she would have been a gonner."

Well, that was not good..

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth, and the
doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd
like to try it out. The machine could take some of the pain of
childbirth from the mother and give it to the father to ease the>mother's
burden.
Well, they thought that was a good idea and decided to give it a try,
so the doctor set it on ten percent to begin with, telling the man
that even ten percent was probably more pain than he had ever
experienced. But the man was surprised at how little pain he was
feeling and asked the doctor to raise it. So he put it up to twenty
percent, and when the man still felt fine, he raised it to fifty and
finally one hundred percent. After it was over, the man stood up,
stretched a little, and helped his wife into the car, both of them
feeling fine.
When they got home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.

Now Its the Father Problem

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

A teenager got his driver's license...

...and asked his father, who was a minister, if he could use his car.
The father said, "If you bring your grades up, study the Bible, and get a haircut, then you can use the car."
One month later, the teenager asked his father about using the car again. The father said, "Son, I'm proud of you. You have brought your grades up and studied the Bible every day. But you still haven't gotten a haircut!"
His son said, "Dad, in my studying of the Bible, I found that many great people had long hair. Samson had long hair. Moses, Noah, and John the Baptist had long hair. Even Jesus had long hair."
His father said, "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went!"

An old arab in the USA want's to plant potatoes,...

... but being the old age that he is, he cannot. He is sad, so he writes an e-mail to his son, whose studying in London.
"Hello, Ahmad, I'm sad. I'd want to plant potatoes, but I'm old and weak"
The son replies soon:
"DAD, DO NOT DIG IN THE GARDEN!! YOU'LL FIND THE THING!!!"
A week passes, and FBI agents arrive at his house. They dig through every centimetre in the garden, but they found nothing. They leave. The old arab wants to write his son about what happened,when he finds an e-mail from him.
"Hello father, your garden is probably prepared for potatoes. That's all I can do from here. Bye, Ahmad."
E: sorry for spelling, english is my 2nd language

Do It Again!!!

After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically.
He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die.
No amount of talking was helping. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Daddy, do it again!!!"

I went to Church today.

I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replies, "Get out, you're on my side."

Little Totos and his father.

One day little Totos returning home after school, found his dog dead on the lawn with its feet up in the air. "Dad why did the dog die with his feet up in the air" said Totos, "That's because its easier for god to come and take him" his father replied. The other day when his father returned home from work Totos run to him and said with teary eyes "dad, mom almost died today", "what do you mean" his father said, "she was in your room with her legs up in the air and she was screaming Jesus am coming am coming, thank god our gardener was there and saved her"

A child psychologist had twin boys

one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist's room with toys and games. In the optimist's room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings.
That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.
What's wrong? the father asked.
I have a ton of game manuals to read … I need batteries … and my toys will all eventually get broken! sobbed the pessimist.
Passing the optimist's room, the father found him dancing for joy around the pile of droppings. Why are you so happy? he asked.
The optimist shouted, There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!

Little David came home from school one day

...and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.
They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today.
What? his father replied.
When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, 'GOD, I'm coming, Oh God I'm coming.'
If it wasn't for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!