The Best 80 Found Jokes
Following is our collection of Found jokes which are very funny. There are some found archaeologists jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these found detectives puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Funny Found Jokes and Puns
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
**
Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
Dude 1: Hey, bro?
Dude 2: Yeah bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure
A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen.
Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.
It was a brief case.
Son, I found a condom in your room.
Gee thanks, Grandpa!
Why are you calling me Grandpa?
Because I couldn't find it yesterday.
"That's not it."
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
I got a phone call from my son's school today
Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?
Yes, how can I help you?
Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling
Oh, hi
Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!
Really? Wow! That's..
Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet
My marriage is over.
I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.
I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.
My wife found out i was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding...
She got so mad and said she's never gonna play scrabble with me ever again
Found 4 fox cubs
I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
Mother's Day
Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.
But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.
"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."
You can explore found dug reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean found shown dad jokes. There are also found puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
The Irishman's parking space
An Irishman is trying to find a parking space outside his local pub on a busy evening, but cannot find a single one.
He looks skyward and says, "Lord, if you grant me this space, I'll come to Church every Sunday like a good Catholic should."
Low and behold, a space opens up right in front of him at which time, he looks skyward again and says, "Never mind, I found one."
When my cab driver found out I was gay, he told me this joke. I approve.
Q: What do you call a gay man with a vasectomy?
A: Seedless fruit.
Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous?
Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all
*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified*
Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads
[NSFW/Slightly Offensive] What is the best thing about having sex with a Transvestite?
Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.
*This is my first post here, and I hope I didn't offend anyone too much. I heard this joke in a pub in central Australia and found it way to funny.*
Yo momma is so fat ...
She took a jump in the pool, they found water on Mars.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two.
Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider :(
When I found out my wife was having an affair, I was heartbroken. I turned to religion to cope.
Now I'm Muslim and we're stoning her tomorrow.
A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom
The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."
The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
I found girl lying on railroad tracks. I untied her, took her into bushes and we had great sex. No head, though.
I never found it.
My friend recently found out that he is both gay and dyslexic...
He is still in Daniel...
I've been married to my wife for 20 years this week..
I've been married to my wife for 20 years this week and I've finally found the G Spot..
Turns out her sister had it all along.
I found a wallet today and as a good Christian I thought "what would Jesus do?"
... so I turned it into wine.
I finally found my wife's G-spot!
Who would have thought her sister had it the whole time?
I just found out my wife has an identical twin
I saw her on Tinder.
Why girls don't have willys
Little brother came into the kitchen and declared "mom, now I know why girls don't have willys! They fall off, and I found yours under your pillow"
Just found out I was dating a commie
Guess I should've noticed the red flags earlier
Son: "Dad, Am I adopted"?
Dad: "Not yet. We still haven't found anyone who wants you."
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working...
... as long as I die on Thursday.
Just found the absolute worst page in the dictionary
What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.
I found out I was colourblind today
It was totally out of the purple
I just found out I'm colorblind
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce....
We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.
There's a big difference between a boy or a girl saying
I got through a whole box of tissues when I found out my 18 year old sister was adopted
Just found out the local barber has been arrested for selling drugs.
I've been a customer of his for 15 years and I didn't even know he cut hair.
We conducted an online survey....
...and found that out of the world's population, 0% of people are Amish.
I found a cure for my wife's insomnia...
All I have to do is express a desire to have sex with her and immediately she is too tired to do anything but sleep.
I did an ancestry.com family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped Rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement
He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."
Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.
Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.
Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.
Einstein says Newton, you're terrible, I've found you! Newton says No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!
Why was Buzzfeed's editor found dead in the bathroom?
Because number two shocked him.
If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive...
....they would start to find me attractive.
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding. She kicked over the table, stormed out of the room and shouted that she's never...
...playing Scrabble with me again.
Yesterday I found a 20 dollar bill on the street. I was told to do the same thing Jesus would have done.
So I took it and turned it into wine.
I recently found out my mom has a disturbing fetish. She has slept with several underage teenagers and I am really concerned about their well being.
The victims contacted me while playing CoD.
What did the scientist say when he found two isotopes of helium?
HeHe...
Im making bad chemistry jokes coz all the good ones argon
Fight Club was awesome!
Hey guys so I found this Fight Club last night and had a blast! I showed up a little late so I missed some of the rules but I highly recommend it!
Do you know how Chris Brown's girlfriend found out that he had been cheating on her?
She found another girl's lipstick on his fist.
My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.
After a short trial, I was found not guilty.
I found a wallet what do i do?
I found a wallet with 20 dollars in it. I wasn't sure how to proceed, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"
So I turned it into wine.
I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.
I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.
The blonde's password
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the G-spot.
Turns out her sister had it all along...
Girls used to call me ugly until they found out how much money I make.
Now they also call me poor.
Homosexuality is found in over 150 different species, homophobia is only found in two.
We aren't doing enough to exterminate the fag-hating squirrel.
A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal
He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.
How did Chris Browns girlfriend find out he was cheating on her?
She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.
I just found out my girlfriend just gave me an STD....
Looks like I'm gonorrhea-valuate the relationship
My mother and father found each other in a gay bar of all places....
24 years in to their marriage unfortunately
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.
Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
With that the man turned to his accuser and said "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson".
There was a poetry competition final with two contestants, a university student and an old country man.
They each had 20 seconds to come up with a poem about Timbuktu.
The student goes first and says " Across the desert sands, crossed a lonely caravan, men on camels two by two, destination Timbuktu."
The crowd goes wild cheering for the poem.
The old country man then goes, "Tim and I off hunting went, found some girls in a pop up tent, they were three and we were two and I buck one and Tim buck two."
I broke up with my girlfriend after 5 years, after I found she was a communist.
I should have known, there were red flags everywhere
This is an old joke but my husband told me to never tell it again!
3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks a Bloody Mary?
The vampire shakes his head. Hot water for me
Hot water?
I found a tampon out back and want to make tea
A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub
The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren't mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"
The cop, obviously in disbelief, tells the woman, "Show me."
So the woman tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the woman's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
A Blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.
The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has you picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The Blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop…
I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
A very religious man went on a safari
When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings".
That moment, the clouds parted and a beam of light came from above and touched the lion's heart. The lion raised his paws to the heavens and loudly prayed "Thank you Lord for this meal I'm about to receive."
PS: it was a beam of light.
PPS: 12 700 upvotes and 17 awards. Thank you so much. I haven't been this happy since Xmas.
Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed Trump Sucks in the fresh snow.
Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says Mr President, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is we've done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it's Mike Pence's. That traitor , shouts Trump. I'll have him hanged! Now, what did you say was the bad news? Well , says the SS chief, turns out it's Melania's handwriting .
Why did Princess Leia date so many guys before she found Han?
She was looking for love in Alderaan places.
Bad news: a message in German sent 110 years ago by homing pigeon was just found.
Worse news: it was an acceptance letter to art school.
A detective story
11:45 - arrived at crime scene
11:45 - Examined body. Signs of struggle
11:45 - Found murder weapon in drain
11:45 - Realised watch was broken
A guy rides his motorcycle through the border from Spain to France every week carrying two bags of sand.
The border guard searched the bags every time, but never found anything, so he had to let him through. The guard has his last day at work before retiring and the guy comes to the border again, carrying his two bags of sand. The guard says "look, man, it's my last day, I'm not going to bust you. You're clearly smuggling *something* across the border all this time but we never find anything, what is it.". The guy says "I'm smuggling motorcycles"
What did the grape do when it got stepped on? It let out a little wine.
I'm sorry.
Found in a Christmas cracker. Is my sense of humour rapidly deteriorating or is this as funny as I've been finding it since Christmas Day?
I was working in the ER today
This 80 year old woman gets brought in with a gun shot wound and she keeps screaming "you told me to do this! You did this to me!" So I found a nurse and asked her what happened. The nurse said the patient wanted to kill herself so she grabbed a gun and went to shoot herself in her heart, but she didn't know where her heart was. So the patient called her doctor and asked "where's my heart?" The doctor told her "it's about 2 inches below your nipple". So the patient hung up and then shot herself in the kneecap.
Teacher: Your son is just like Elvis
Parents: Oh really? How?
Teacher: We found him dead on the crapper.
Why did Mrs. Claus finally leave Santa after all these years?
She found out about his other two hos.
Secretly found that I can manipulate stock market
Whatever I bought, it went red.
Went I got home yesterday I found my wife on the kitchen floor with her best girlfriend lying on top of her, both naked, with flat pasta and tomato sauce all over them.
"what is this?"I asked
"What does it look like?"
"It looks like a lez on ya!"
I think my ex-girlfriend is still obsessed with me
I've just found a photo of us in the bin outside her house.
Three nuns are talking.
The first nun says, you would never believe what i discovered.
Intrigued, the other to signal her to continue. " i found a phone in the priests room." said the first nun.
oh that's nothing." said the second one, "i found condoms in one of his drawers." said the second one.
" what did u do with them?" said the first nun.
The second nun responds with pride ," I poked **holes** in all of them."
The third nun screams, oh shit..."
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the found find jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working found discover piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.