Take your foot off his head.
**
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
Dude 2: Yeah bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure
Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.
It was a brief case.
The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad
Gee thanks, Grandpa!
Why are you calling me Grandpa?
Because I couldn't find it yesterday.
They would eventually find me attractive.
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?
Yes, how can I help you?
Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling
Oh, hi
Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!
Really? Wow! That's..
Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet
I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.
I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.
She got so mad and said she's never gonna play scrabble with me ever again
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.
"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.
She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"
I blinked, realizing how stupid I looked.
"I guess you're right! Man I must look like and idiot!" I said.
She laughed.
I laughed.
The toaster laughed.
I shot the toaster.
Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.
Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.
Einstein says Newton, you're terrible, I've found you! Newton says No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
Dad: "Not yet. We still haven't found anyone who wants you."
I found a wallet with 20 dollars in it. I wasn't sure how to proceed, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"
So I turned it into wine.
Found out she meant trout, not Skittles
I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.
He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.
She asked if that was because it had loads of RAM and a big hard drive.
Oh, the surprise she got when she found out it was microsoft and full of viruses.
That lying bitch isn't, "Fun to be around."
She found another girl's lipstick on his fist.
We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.
Turns out her sister had it all along...
What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.
I've been a customer of his for 15 years and I didn't even know he cut hair.
After a short trial, I was found not guilty.
"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."
Gary, you filthy bastard.
Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all
*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified*
Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads
All I have to do is express a desire to have sex with her and immediately she is too tired to do anything but sleep.
She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.
The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."
The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.
*This is my first post here, and I hope I didn't offend anyone too much. I heard this joke in a pub in central Australia and found it way to funny.*
Q: What do you call a gay man with a vasectomy?
A: Seedless fruit.
A dwarf walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass.
The madam asks how she can help him.
He says "I need a woman for mine has left me."
The madam says "Whatever for? And what are the honeycomb and jackass for?" The dwarf says, "my wife found a genie that could grant her three wishes. For the first wish she asked for a house fit for a queen, so he gave her this honeycomb, the second wish she asked for the nicest ass in all the land, so he gave her this Jackass.
The madam then asks "what about the third wish?" "She asked the genie for my cock to hang down past my knee." "That's not so bad." "Not so bad?" Spluttered the dwarf "I used to be 6 foot 3!"
....they would start to find me attractive.
I got through a whole box of tissues when I found out my 18 year old sister was adopted
So I took it and turned it into wine.
The victims contacted me while playing CoD.
The next year I decided to get back at him and poison the cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad
There once was a girl named Alice
Who used dynamite as a phallus
They found her vagina in South Carolina
And bits of her tits in Dallas
She took a jump in the pool, they found water on Mars.
Because number two shocked him.
It was totally out of the purple
I asked him what on earth he was doing in there.
All he said was, "I cum in peas"..
He is still in Daniel...
I never found it.
...playing Scrabble with me again.
5 years ago on this very night, I found a jar of whale jizz on my doorstep. It was beaten and injured, it needed my help. I nursed it back to health and raised it like my own son.
Today it finally graduated from university and I was just so proud.
It looked at me and said
"Thank you, for everything."
I looked back at it with a single tear rolling down my cheek
"You're whale cum"
He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."
She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.
Who would have thought her sister had it the whole time?
Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider :(
We aren't doing enough to exterminate the fag-hating squirrel.
It's called Facebook.
Now I'm Muslim and we're stoning her tomorrow.
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
Guess I should've noticed the red flags earlier
I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
... so I turned it into wine.
Well that's 8 month's of training wasted.
During a recent password audit, it was found that a
blonde was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said
she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
long and include at least one capital.
"Well, I fucked that one up."
I found this history text book from 1873 at a flea market today, and it's super old school. On page 23, there is a thing that says look on page 150 in pencil in the top margin- so I go to page 150 and the guy had written you are a fool for looking . Fuckin got me bro. Trolled me 143 years in the future good for him.
...and found that out of the world's population, 0% of people are Amish.
I've been married to my wife for 20 years this week and I've finally found the G Spot..
Turns out her sister had it all along.
Little brother came into the kitchen and declared "mom, now I know why girls don't have willys! They fall off, and I found yours under your pillow"
Now they also call me poor.
... as long as I die on Thursday.
An Irishman is trying to find a parking space outside his local pub on a busy evening, but cannot find a single one.
He looks skyward and says, "Lord, if you grant me this space, I'll come to Church every Sunday like a good Catholic should."
Low and behold, a space opens up right in front of him at which time, he looks skyward again and says, "Never mind, I found one."
A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. "Do you guys have golden toilets?" he asks.
"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?"
"Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet."
Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Found? Well, here are the best Found puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Found pick up lines to share with friends.