Found Jokes

Following is our collection of dug humor and archaeologists one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Found puns for adults, dirty shown jokes or clean detectives gags for kids.

There is an abundance of find jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 72 funniest jokes on found. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any discover witze you can hear about found.

The Best jokes about Found

How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.


**

Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

Dude 1: Hey, bro?

Dude 2: Yeah bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure

A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen.

Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.

It was a brief case.

Son, I found a condom in your room.



Gee thanks, Grandpa!

Why are you calling me Grandpa?

Because I couldn't find it yesterday.


"That's not it."

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That's..

Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.

My wife found out i was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding...

She got so mad and said she's never gonna play scrabble with me ever again

My mother and father found each other in a gay bar of all places....

24 years in to their marriage unfortunately

I just found out my girlfriend just gave me an STD....

Looks like I'm gonorrhea-valuate the relationship


I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.

On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."

I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.

As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.

Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.

Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.

Einstein says Newton, you're terrible, I've found you! Newton says No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!

I just found out I'm colorblind

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

Son: "Dad, Am I adopted"?

Dad: "Not yet. We still haven't found anyone who wants you."

I found a wallet what do i do?

I found a wallet with 20 dollars in it. I wasn't sure how to proceed, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine.

I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.

I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.

A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal

He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

Do you know how Chris Brown's girlfriend found out that he had been cheating on her?

She found another girl's lipstick on his fist.


My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce....

We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the G-spot.

Turns out her sister had it all along...

Just found the absolute worst page in the dictionary

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.

Just found out the local barber has been arrested for selling drugs.

I've been a customer of his for 15 years and I didn't even know he cut hair.

My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a short trial, I was found not guilty.

Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous?

Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all

*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified*

Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads

I found a cure for my wife's insomnia...

All I have to do is express a desire to have sex with her and immediately she is too tired to do anything but sleep.

How did Chris Browns girlfriend find out he was cheating on her?

She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

There was a poetry competition final with two contestants, a university student and an old country man.

They each had 20 seconds to come up with a poem about Timbuktu.

The student goes first and says " Across the desert sands, crossed a lonely caravan, men on camels two by two, destination Timbuktu."

The crowd goes wild cheering for the poem.

The old country man then goes, "Tim and I off hunting went, found some girls in a pop up tent, they were three and we were two and I buck one and Tim buck two."

A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom

The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."

The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.

"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"

"What drugs?"

[NSFW/Slightly Offensive] What is the best thing about having sex with a Transvestite?

Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.

*This is my first post here, and I hope I didn't offend anyone too much. I heard this joke in a pub in central Australia and found it way to funny.*

When my cab driver found out I was gay, he told me this joke. I approve.

Q: What do you call a gay man with a vasectomy?

A: Seedless fruit.

If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive...

....they would start to find me attractive.

There's a big difference between a boy or a girl saying

I got through a whole box of tissues when I found out my 18 year old sister was adopted

Yesterday I found a 20 dollar bill on the street. I was told to do the same thing Jesus would have done.

So I took it and turned it into wine.

I recently found out my mom has a disturbing fetish. She has slept with several underage teenagers and I am really concerned about their well being.

The victims contacted me while playing CoD.

Yo momma is so fat ...

She took a jump in the pool, they found water on Mars.

Why was Buzzfeed's editor found dead in the bathroom?

Because number two shocked him.

I found out I was colourblind today

It was totally out of the purple

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

With that the man turned to his accuser and said "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson".

My friend recently found out that he is both gay and dyslexic...

He is still in Daniel...

I found girl lying on railroad tracks. I untied her, took her into bushes and we had great sex. No head, though.

I never found it.

My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding. She kicked over the table, stormed out of the room and shouted that she's never...

...playing Scrabble with me again.

I did an ancestry.com family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped Rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement

He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."

I finally found my wife's G-spot!

Who would have thought her sister had it the whole time?

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two.

Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider :(

Homosexuality is found in over 150 different species, homophobia is only found in two.

We aren't doing enough to exterminate the fag-hating squirrel.

Just found an app that tells you which of your family members and friends are racist.

It's called Facebook.

When I found out my wife was having an affair, I was heartbroken. I turned to religion to cope.

Now I'm Muslim and we're stoning her tomorrow.

The blonde's password

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Just found out I was dating a commie

Guess I should've noticed the red flags earlier

Found 4 fox cubs

I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

I found a wallet today and as a good Christian I thought "what would Jesus do?"

... so I turned it into wine.

We conducted an online survey....

...and found that out of the world's population, 0% of people are Amish.

I've been married to my wife for 20 years this week..

I've been married to my wife for 20 years this week and I've finally found the G Spot..

Turns out her sister had it all along.

Why girls don't have willys

Little brother came into the kitchen and declared "mom, now I know why girls don't have willys! They fall off, and I found yours under your pillow"

Girls used to call me ugly until they found out how much money I make.

Now they also call me poor.

I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working...

... as long as I die on Thursday.

The Irishman's parking space

An Irishman is trying to find a parking space outside his local pub on a busy evening, but cannot find a single one.

He looks skyward and says, "Lord, if you grant me this space, I'll come to Church every Sunday like a good Catholic should."

Low and behold, a space opens up right in front of him at which time, he looks skyward again and says, "Never mind, I found one."

What did the scientist say when he found two isotopes of helium?

HeHe...

Im making bad chemistry jokes coz all the good ones argon

Mother's Day

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.

But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.

"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

Fight Club was awesome!

Hey guys so I found this Fight Club last night and had a blast! I showed up a little late so I missed some of the rules but I highly recommend it!

I just found out my wife has an identical twin

I saw her on Tinder.

They found a cat on mars...

A live cat was found roaming the surface of Mars. Scientists planned to have the Mars Rover capture the animal to study it but unfortunately while attempting to capture the feline, Curiosity killed the cat.

For those of you wondering what it's like to be married

I just found out this morning I'm on day 3 of an argument I didn't know I was having.

Just found out I'm colorblind

it came out of the yellow.

Apple woke up their lead designer in the middle of the night

To ask him about ideas for the new iPhone.
The disgruntled designer told them "Jack off".
The marketing department found the idea fantastic.

I found my first grey pubic hair today

I just didn't expect it to be in my Big Mac

I just found out that i have two weeks to live

My wife just went on vacation

A desert island with six women

A bloke found himself stranded on a desert island with six women. To keep it fair, it was decided he would service a different woman every night and have Mondays free. After a few months the man was exhausted, realising how tiring it was to perform constantly every night except one. Then one day, to his joy, he found a man washed up on the beach who would be able to take some of the workload from him. However, his hopes were shattered when the man's first words were, "Hi, gorgeous, how about the kiss of life?"

'Oh f\*ck,' thinks the man, 'there goes Mondays.'

My friends made fun of me because they found out that my girlfriend is imaginary...

Jokes on them, they're imaginary too.

Scientists finally found out, how much sleep humans exactly need:

just five more minutes

New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder.

Footprints

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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