Cheerful Fun Found Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
**
Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
Dude 1: Hey, bro?
Dude 2: Yeah bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure
A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen.
Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.
It was a brief case.
Son, I found a condom in your room.
Gee thanks, Grandpa!
Why are you calling me Grandpa?
Because I couldn't find it yesterday.
"That's not it."
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
I got a phone call from my son's school today
Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?
Yes, how can I help you?
Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling
Oh, hi
Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!
Really? Wow! That's..
Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet
My marriage is over.
I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.
I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.
My wife found out i was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding...
She got so mad and said she's never gonna play scrabble with me ever again
When my cab driver found out I was gay, he told me this joke. I approve.
Q: What do you call a gay man with a vasectomy?
A: Seedless fruit.
Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous?
Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all
*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified*
Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads
You can explore found archaeologists reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean found detectives dad jokes. There are also found puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Yo momma is so fat ...
She took a jump in the pool, they found water on Mars.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two.
Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider :(
A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom
The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."
The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
I found girl lying on railroad tracks. I untied her, took her into bushes and we had great sex. No head, though.
I never found it.
My friend recently found out that he is both gay and dyslexic...
He is still in Daniel...
I finally found my wife's G-spot!
Who would have thought her sister had it the whole time?
Son: "Dad, Am I adopted"?
Dad: "Not yet. We still haven't found anyone who wants you."
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
Just found the absolute worst page in the dictionary
What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.
I found out I was colourblind today
It was totally out of the purple
I just found out I'm colorblind
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce....
We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.
There's a big difference between a boy or a girl saying
I got through a whole box of tissues when I found out my 18 year old sister was adopted
Just found out the local barber has been arrested for selling drugs.
I've been a customer of his for 15 years and I didn't even know he cut hair.
I found a cure for my wife's insomnia...
All I have to do is express a desire to have sex with her and immediately she is too tired to do anything but sleep.
I did an ancestry.com family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped Rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement
He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."
Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.
Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.
Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.
Einstein says Newton, you're terrible, I've found you! Newton says No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!
Why was Buzzfeed's editor found dead in the bathroom?
Because number two shocked him.
If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive...
....they would start to find me attractive.ο»Ώ
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding. She kicked over the table, stormed out of the room and shouted that she's never...
...playing Scrabble with me again.
Yesterday I found a 20 dollar bill on the street. I was told to do the same thing Jesus would have done.
So I took it and turned it into wine.
I recently found out my mom has a disturbing fetish. She has slept with several underage teenagers and I am really concerned about their well being.
The victims contacted me while playing CoD.
Do you know how Chris Brown's girlfriend found out that he had been cheating on her?
She found another girl's lipstick on his fist.
My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.
After a short trial, I was found not guilty.
I found a wallet what do i do?
I found a wallet with 20 dollars in it. I wasn't sure how to proceed, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"
So I turned it into wine.
I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.
I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.
After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the G-spot.
Turns out her sister had it all along...
A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal
He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.
How did Chris Browns girlfriend find out he was cheating on her?
She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.
I just found out my girlfriend just gave me an STD....
Looks like I'm gonorrhea-valuate the relationship
My mother and father found each other in a gay bar of all places....
24 years in to their marriage unfortunately
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.
Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
With that the man turned to his accuser and said "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson".
There was a poetry competition final with two contestants, a university student and an old country man.
They each had 20 seconds to come up with a poem about Timbuktu.
The student goes first and says " Across the desert sands, crossed a lonely caravan, men on camels two by two, destination Timbuktu."
The crowd goes wild cheering for the poem.
The old country man then goes, "Tim and I off hunting went, found some girls in a pop up tent, they were three and we were two and I buck one and Tim buck two."
I broke up with my girlfriend after 5 years, after I found she was a communist.
I should have known, there were red flags everywhere
This is an old joke but my husband told me to never tell it again!
3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks a Bloody Mary?
The vampire shakes his head. Hot water for me
Hot water?
I found a tampon out back and want to make tea
A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub
The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren't mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"
The cop, obviously in disbelief, tells the woman, "Show me."
So the woman tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the woman's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
A Blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.
The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has you picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The Blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a copβ¦
I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
A very religious man went on a safari
When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings".
That moment, the clouds parted and a beam of light came from above and touched the lion's heart. The lion raised his paws to the heavens and loudly prayed "Thank you Lord for this meal I'm about to receive."
PS: it was a beam of light.
PPS: 12 700 upvotes and 17 awards. Thank you so much. I haven't been this happy since Xmas.
Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed Trump Sucks in the fresh snow.
Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says Mr President, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is we've done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it's Mike Pence's. That traitor , shouts Trump. I'll have him hanged! Now, what did you say was the bad news? Well , says the SS chief, turns out it's Melania's handwriting .
Bad news: a message in German sent 110 years ago by homing pigeon was just found.
Worse news: it was an acceptance letter to art school.
A detective story
11:45 - arrived at crime scene
11:45 - Examined body. Signs of struggle
11:45 - Found murder weapon in drain
11:45 - Realised watch was broken
A guy rides his motorcycle through the border from Spain to France every week carrying two bags of sand.
The border guard searched the bags every time, but never found anything, so he had to let him through. The guard has his last day at work before retiring and the guy comes to the border again, carrying his two bags of sand. The guard says "look, man, it's my last day, I'm not going to bust you. You're clearly smuggling *something* across the border all this time but we never find anything, what is it.". The guy says "I'm smuggling motorcycles"
A woman sues a man for defamation of character, charging that he called her a pig.
The man is found guilty and made to pay damages. After the trial, he asks the judge, Does this mean that I can no longer call Ms. Harding a pig?
The judge says, That is correct.
And does it mean that I can't call a pig Ms. Harding?
No, says the judge, you are free to call a pig Ms. Harding. There is no crime in that.
The man looks Ms. Harding in the eye and says, Good afternoon, Ms. Harding.
Our company recently did a password audit, it was found that an employee was using the following password:
**"VaderObiwanLukeBobafettGandalfFrodoGimliLegolasSacramento"**
When asked why he had such a long password, he rolled his eyes and said: *Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital."*
I caught my girlfriend cheating with my best friend.
She was tired of getting beaten all the time, and he was jealous of all my money and property. I was so upset when I found out, that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.
I only recently found out that Albert Einstein was a real person..
All this time I thought he was only a theoretical physicist
When I was at the grocery store, I asked an employee where the cereal was, and he said, "I'll see." And walks off. 5 minutes later, I asked another employee about the cereal, and he too said, "I'll see," and walks off.
I eventually found it myself. It was in aisle C.
Just found out that "Aaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhh" isn't a real word.
I can't tell you how angry I am.
A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
Suddenly, a faint moaning is heard from the casket. The casket is opened, and it is found that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.
They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
I just found out that I'm colorblind
It completely came out of the purple
I found a vinyl record called "Sounds of the Wasps." When I played it, I said to myself, "This doesn't sound like wasps."
I was right. I was playing the B-side.
I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month.
I've just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer.
My coworker just found out she won't be able to attend next week's Innuendo Conferenceβ¦
I guess I'll have to fill her slot instead.
A soviet joke about censorship that I found in my school book
An American tells a Russian that people in USA have the freedom of speech and that he even could go to the White House and shout:"Go to hell, Ronald Reagan!"
The russian answers:"Oh, we also have freedom of speech. I, too, can go to Kremlin and shout:" Go to hell, Ronald Reagan!"
I found a bundle of dollar bills in the street. As a devout Christian, I asked myself, What would Jesus do?
So I turned it into wine.
My wife and I have an open relationship
Found out last night
Who runs Mexican Amazon?
Jeff Pesos
It's a silly joke but I thought of it on my own today! I found a 200 peso bill on the ground today and I was saying pesos in different accents out loud with a coworker when the joke popped into my head. I don't think I've heard it anywhere before. After I got home and searched it here I realised it hasn't been told this way on this subreddit yet either. So I'm claiming it as an original joke.
A police officer stopped me and searched my pockets. Found a bag of weed.
"What have we here?"
"It's not mine officer."
He scoffs.
"I'm serious! I was cursed by a leprechaun, you know what scallywags they are. Now, every single time I flush this chronic down the toilet it magically reappears in my pocket."
"Bullshit."
"Try me!"
He frowns, but follows me as we head to the bathroom in this cafe. I take out the cannabis and flush it down the crapper. He checks my pocket and asks,
"So where's the bag of weed?"
"What bag of weed?"
I found $10 on the sidewalk and I was going to keep it, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"
So I turned it into wine.
When the young husband reached home from the office he found his wife in tears.
"Oh, John," she sobbed on his shoulder. "I had baked a lovely cake and put it out on the back porch for the frosting to dry and the dog ate it!"
"Well, don't cry about it, sweetheart," he consoled, patting the pretty flushed cheek. "I know a man who will give us another dog."
β
Source: 1913 newspaper
I just found my wife has a Tinder profile and I'm furious.
She is absolutely not adventurous , and fun to be around !
I just found out that Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween.
I guess they don't like random strangers showing up at their door.
My girlfriend was devastated when she found out the reason why my nickname is The Love Machine .
It's because I'm terrible at tennis.
One Christmas Eve, a man and his wife were shopping in town and became separated...
The woman called him on her cell phone and said, "Where are you?" The guy said, "Remember that little jewelry store we went into last year and you found that diamond necklace that you wanted, but I couldn't afford to buy it for you?" The woman was overcome with emotion and said "Yes, yes ... I remember." And the guy said "I'm in the bar next door to that store having a beer."
A woman went to buy a parrot from a pet shop
She found one for only Β£5. She took it to the shopkeeper, and asked if the price was right. The shopkeeper said "he's that price because he lived in a brothel for 3 years."
The woman thought that it would be fine, so bought the parrot.
When she got it home, the parrot looked around, saying things like:
"A chair, yes. Very fine very fine."
"A coffee machine. Very fine."
The woman's children walked in.
"Ah, children, very fine very fine."
The woman's husband walked in.
"Hello Keith"
A Ukrainian prisoner of war is being interrogated by a Russian officer.
During their conversation, the Ukrainian notices that the Officer has only one boot.
He asks, Did you lose a boot?
The Russian replies Nyet. I found a boot
Traffic court
A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher.
The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court."
He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write, 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times."
I just found out that Miles Teller, the actor in Top Gun,uses a stage name.
His original name was Odometer.
Went on eBay to look for a lighter
But I found was 100,437 matches
A pair of cannibals were discussing their recent meals
One said "I found some Catholic monks when I was in the woods; took home the meat and boiled it up. Tasted TERRIBLE!"
The other said "Idiot. You don't boil monks- those are friars!"
I started dating a guy, but then I found out he lost all of his toes in a freak work accident
Unfortunately, I'm lack toes intolerant.
(This joke inspired by an 8 year old)
