Found Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.


**

Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

Dude 1: Hey, bro?

Dude 2: Yeah bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure

A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen.

Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.

It was a brief case.

When I was 5 years old, I got a coal from Santa...

The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad

Son, I found a condom in your room.



Gee thanks, Grandpa!

Why are you calling me Grandpa?

Because I couldn't find it yesterday.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive

They would eventually find me attractive.

"That's not it."

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That's..

Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.

My wife found out i was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding...

She got so mad and said she's never gonna play scrabble with me ever again

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.

On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."

I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.

As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

My wife found me in the kitchen naked holding a gun

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I looked.

"I guess you're right! Man I must look like and idiot!" I said.

She laughed.

I laughed.

The toaster laughed.

I shot the toaster.

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.

Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.

Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.

Einstein says Newton, you're terrible, I've found you! Newton says No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!

I just found out I'm colorblind

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

Son: "Dad, Am I adopted"?

Dad: "Not yet. We still haven't found anyone who wants you."

I found a wallet what do i do?

I found a wallet with 20 dollars in it. I wasn't sure how to proceed, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine.

A girl told me her pussy tasted like a rainbow

Found out she meant trout, not Skittles

I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.

I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.

A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal

He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

I told a girl my dick was like a computer

She asked if that was because it had loads of RAM and a big hard drive.

Oh, the surprise she got when she found out it was microsoft and full of viruses.

I was furious when I found my wife's profile on an on-line dating website.

That lying bitch isn't, "Fun to be around."

Do you know how Chris Brown's girlfriend found out that he had been cheating on her?

She found another girl's lipstick on his fist.

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce....

We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the G-spot.

Turns out her sister had it all along...

Just found the absolute worst page in the dictionary

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.

Just found out the local barber has been arrested for selling drugs.

I've been a customer of his for 15 years and I didn't even know he cut hair.

My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a short trial, I was found not guilty.

I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said..

"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."

Gary, you filthy bastard.

Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous?

Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all

*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified*

Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads

I found a cure for my wife's insomnia...

All I have to do is express a desire to have sex with her and immediately she is too tired to do anything but sleep.

How did Chris Browns girlfriend find out he was cheating on her?

She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom

The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."

The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.

"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"

"What drugs?"

[NSFW/Slightly Offensive] What is the best thing about having sex with a Transvestite?

Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.

*This is my first post here, and I hope I didn't offend anyone too much. I heard this joke in a pub in central Australia and found it way to funny.*

When my cab driver found out I was gay, he told me this joke. I approve.

Q: What do you call a gay man with a vasectomy?

A: Seedless fruit.

A dwarf walks into a

A dwarf walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass.
The madam asks how she can help him.
He says "I need a woman for mine has left me."
The madam says "Whatever for? And what are the honeycomb and jackass for?" The dwarf says, "my wife found a genie that could grant her three wishes. For the first wish she asked for a house fit for a queen, so he gave her this honeycomb, the second wish she asked for the nicest ass in all the land, so he gave her this Jackass.
The madam then asks "what about the third wish?" "She asked the genie for my cock to hang down past my knee." "That's not so bad." "Not so bad?" Spluttered the dwarf "I used to be 6 foot 3!"

If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive...

....they would start to find me attractive.

There's a big difference between a boy or a girl saying

I got through a whole box of tissues when I found out my 18 year old sister was adopted

Yesterday I found a 20 dollar bill on the street. I was told to do the same thing Jesus would have done.

So I took it and turned it into wine.

I recently found out my mom has a disturbing fetish. She has slept with several underage teenagers and I am really concerned about their well being.

The victims contacted me while playing CoD.

When I was 6 I got coal from Santa...

The next year I decided to get back at him and poison the cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad

Dirty limericks? GO! [NSFW]

There once was a girl named Alice

Who used dynamite as a phallus

They found her vagina in South Carolina

And bits of her tits in Dallas

Yo momma is so fat ...

She took a jump in the pool, they found water on Mars.

Why was Buzzfeed's editor found dead in the bathroom?

Because number two shocked him.

I found out I was colourblind today

It was totally out of the purple

I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night.

I asked him what on earth he was doing in there.
All he said was, "I cum in peas"..

My friend recently found out that he is both gay and dyslexic...

He is still in Daniel...

I found girl lying on railroad tracks. I untied her, took her into bushes and we had great sex. No head, though.

I never found it.

My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding. She kicked over the table, stormed out of the room and shouted that she's never...

...playing Scrabble with me again.

The whale jizz on my doorstep

5 years ago on this very night, I found a jar of whale jizz on my doorstep. It was beaten and injured, it needed my help. I nursed it back to health and raised it like my own son.
Today it finally graduated from university and I was just so proud.
It looked at me and said
"Thank you, for everything."
I looked back at it with a single tear rolling down my cheek
"You're whale cum"

I did an ancestry.com family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped Rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement

He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."

How did Rhianna find out that Chris Brown was cheating?

She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

I finally found my wife's G-spot!

Who would have thought her sister had it the whole time?

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two.

Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider :(

Homosexuality is found in over 150 different species, homophobia is only found in two.

We aren't doing enough to exterminate the fag-hating squirrel.

Just found an app that tells you which of your family members and friends are racist.

It's called Facebook.

When I found out my wife was having an affair, I was heartbroken. I turned to religion to cope.

Now I'm Muslim and we're stoning her tomorrow.

The blonde's password

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Just found out I was dating a commie

Guess I should've noticed the red flags earlier

Found 4 fox cubs

I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

I found a wallet today and as a good Christian I thought "what would Jesus do?"

... so I turned it into wine.

Just found out that cock fighting is done with chickens!

Well that's 8 month's of training wasted.

A Blonde's Password

During a recent password audit, it was found that a
blonde was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said
she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
long and include at least one capital.

What did Mario say when he found out he got drunk and had sex with a green mushroom?

"Well, I fucked that one up."

143 year old troll

I found this history text book from 1873 at a flea market today, and it's super old school. On page 23, there is a thing that says look on page 150 in pencil in the top margin- so I go to page 150 and the guy had written you are a fool for looking . Fuckin got me bro. Trolled me 143 years in the future good for him.

We conducted an online survey....

...and found that out of the world's population, 0% of people are Amish.

I've been married to my wife for 20 years this week..

I've been married to my wife for 20 years this week and I've finally found the G Spot..

Turns out her sister had it all along.

Why girls don't have willys

Little brother came into the kitchen and declared "mom, now I know why girls don't have willys! They fall off, and I found yours under your pillow"

Girls used to call me ugly until they found out how much money I make.

Now they also call me poor.

I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working...

... as long as I die on Thursday.

The Irishman's parking space

An Irishman is trying to find a parking space outside his local pub on a busy evening, but cannot find a single one.

He looks skyward and says, "Lord, if you grant me this space, I'll come to Church every Sunday like a good Catholic should."

Low and behold, a space opens up right in front of him at which time, he looks skyward again and says, "Never mind, I found one."

Golden toilets

A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. "Do you guys have golden toilets?" he asks.

"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?"

"Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet."

Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"

What are the funniest found jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Found? Well, here are the best Found puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Found pick up lines to share with friends.

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