Fought Jokes

I lost both my legs below the knee in an accident...

... and for years, no matter how hard my friends and family tried to convince me, I fought on without prosthetic replacements.
In the end it became just too difficult, so I finally accepted defeat.

In light of mlk day...

African american culture has fought so hard not to have to sit at the back of the bus.
But they still do anyway.

Gladiator's Monday

A gladiator was having a rough Monday at the arena.
His opponent had sliced off both of his arms.
Nevertheless, he fought on, k**... and biting as furiously as he could. But when his opponent lopped off both of his feet, the gladiator had no choice but to give up.
He was now both unarmed and defeated.

So this r**... in New York is getting mugged...

and he fights like a wildcat, but eventually the three toughs overcome him. Two hold him down while the third grabs his wallet and opens it.
"Ten dollars??!!? You fought like a madman for *15 minutes* for a lousy ten bucks?"
"Oh no!" replied the r**.... "I thought you were going after the $500 in my shoe!"

The real meaning of Halloween gets lost in all the marketing. Most people don't even know Jesus fought a dragon, let alone why.

Chuck Norris and Superman

Chuck Norris and Superman fought each other on a bet. The loser had to wear his underwear over his pants.
(Submitted at the request of my 10 year-old son.)

Parents

My father was a dentist and my mother was a manicurist.
For most of their married life they fought tooth and nail.

Are the n**... who fought in WWII veteran-Aryans?

And can I bring my dog to them for a checkup?

Your mother is so ugly.....

That when she fought Scorpion in Mortal Kombat, he yelled, "Get over there!"

I think Ronda Rousey would be at a disadvantage if she fought Floyd Mayweather.

Mayweather has had practice beating women

My grandad fought in the war, he was posted to germany.

He was Missing In Action for weeks, because the army couldn't afford recorded post.

He must pay...

Husband and wife had a fight. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you!"

My manicurist mother and dentist father didn't like each other...

They fought tooth and nail all the time.

What do you call war fought with bees?

...Beeological Warfare

A dentist and a manicurist stepped into the ring

They fought tooth and nail

Two men fought their entire life about whether Jesus was Black or White. The two men died together in a car accident.

Finally when they reached the gates of heaven Jesus walked up to them and said "BUENOS DIAS!"

I saw two movies this weekend.

One was about a crazy person who fought crime in their underwear, and the other was Captain Underpants.

Linkin Park fought among themselves in choosing which ocean to take a cruise on.

The Pacific ocean was favored by Chester. The Atlantic was desired by Mike. The Arctic was appealing to Rob and Brad because it is an ocean they've never been to before. The Antarctic was chosen by Dave and Joe because they've heard tales of great sea creatures to see in that area. With great argument, they decided against them all.
Indian, it didn't even matter.

A man called the hotel manager...

He said "Come up quickly, I fought with my wife and now she wants to throw herself out the window!". The manager replied "Sir this is a personal matter and we can't get involved. I can call sec..." The man interrupted "No! This is a maintenance issue. The window won't open!".

I fought with my brother about how he likes to kick ice under the refrigerator, but we're cool now.

It's all water under the fridge

Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"

"Your parents when you move out."

When the gladiators fought lions

it was always the mane event

Why are firetrucks red?

Because they have eight wheels and four people on them, and four plus eight makes twelve, and there are twelve inches in a foot, and one foot is a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was also a ship, and the ship sailed the seas, and there were fish in the seas, and fish have fins, and the Finns fought the Russians, and the Russians are red, and fire trucks are always Russian" around.

i**... immigrant vs. Child m**...

If and i**... immigrant fought a child m**..., would it be considered alien vs. predator?

I fought an e**... this morning

Beat it single handed.

Two guys are drinking in a bar and one says, "Man, I've really had it with my brother in law."

The 2nd guy asks what happened, and the 1st guy tells him, "He had to go to jail last night and he went nuts. He fought, kicked, screamed, and flung a handful of f**... on the wall." The 2nd guy says, "Man he really sounds like a piece of work." The 1st guy says, "Yeah, that's the last time we invite him over to play Monopoly."

One Time Long Ago, Way Back In Medieval Times...

There was a brave knight named Sir Finley who fought everything the king commissioned him to. One day, a dragon terrorized a nearby village, scaring the kingdom. Sir Finley was sent of to slay this terrible dragon. Once he got there, the dragon's tail knocked him off balance. Sir Finley fell to the dragon, and the dragon cut off his feet first when starting to cook.
Sir Finley was de-feet-ed.

We ought to honor all the soldiers who fought in WW2...

Especially the one who killed h**....

I was talking to a German in English the other week, but he was struggling to understand me.

Although he wouldn't have had a problem if his ancestors had fought a bit harder

I had a dream I was attacked in my kitchen by a giant head of cabbage. I grabbed a knife and stabbed, hacked, and slashed at it, but it still kept coming! I threw a jar of mayonnaise at it, to no avail -- then I hurled a bag of carrots, but nothing would stop it! In the end...

I fought the slaw and the slaw won.

If every Literary Fiction character to ever exist fought, who would win?

Personally, my bet is on God.

I once met a soldier who had never lost a battle.

It was considered impolite to mention that he had never actually fought a battle, either.

A man walks the streets of London

He sees a begar with wooden leg and thinks: a criple, classic... But then he sees that he has a tag: Falkland veteran. The men remembers what was that about and tells himself: This man fought for me, when i was lying at home. So he gives the begar ten pounds.
And the begar answers: Gracias senor, gracias.

Have you ever heard of the Greek hero Bophades?

He was one of the heroes who fought in the t**... War. His story is similar to the story of Achilles. When he was a child, his mother held him by the groin and dipped him in the river Styx, as to make him invincible in battle. However, just like Achilles, he had a weak spot. Because his mother held him by the groin, this was where he became vulnerable. In the case of Achilles, this was his heel. So you may have heard of Achilles' heel, or the Achilles' tendon, but I bet you have never heard of Bophades nuts.

I was in a 1v10 fight once

It was a hard fought battle and I had to go all out and use all my martial art skills and in the end we managed to beat the guy up.

If Trump had actually served in Vietnam...

He would've fought at the Battle of Hamberder Hill

What did Canadians use to communicate during the various wars they fought?

Moose Code.

Fire at the Pub

A firehouse got a call about a pub. The firemen rushed there to see the place ablaze. They could hear someone calling for help from inside. Two of them ran in to see an Irishman trapped under debris. They were able to pull him out as the rest of them fought the fire. One of his rescuers asked how the fire started. The Irishman looked up at him and said, "I don't know, it was like this when I got here."

Does this sub take requests? Please share your favorite Chuck Norris joke!

They once named a street after Chuck Norris, but they had to change it. Nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives!
Chuck Norris and Superman fought once and placed a bet on the outcome. The loser had to wear their underwear on the outside!

Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

**Her:** My God — imagine if it had been a small child
**Me:** I could have fought off a small child, Barb

What would you call Captain Planet if he fought ghosts instead of eco-terrorists?

Captain Planchette.

A shop keeper fought off a robber with just a price gun!

The police are now looking for a person with a price on their head

Why are firetrucks red?

Why are firetrucks red?
Well because firetrucks have six wheels, six is half a dozen. Usually when someone is using half a dozen and a dozen, they are referring to eggs. Eggs come from chickens, a male chicken is a rooster, roosters are often on steeples, steeples are are tall, like a mast on a ship, ships go on the sea, in the sea there are fish and fish have fins and the Fins fought the Soviets and the soviet flag is red.

Jesus crucified on the cross yelled out Peter's name

Peter! Peter! Peter!
Peter wasn't allowed to go near the cross by the soldiers, so with great difficulty he fought them all off.
With tears in his eyes eventually he reached the cross and joined both his hands,
"What is it my lord?"
"Peter, i can see the roof of your house."

Dave was getting robbed in the desert

he gave the robber his money and asked the robber shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.
he then asked," shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward"
after the robber shot the coat, he said, "shoot a few holes-"
"please, no more holes, I'm out of bullets"
"that's what I wanted to hear. now give me back the wallet and some more money for the hat and coat you destroyed before I beat you black and blue"

Why are Fire Trucks red?

Because they have eight wheels and four people on them, and eight plus four is twelve, and there are 12 inches in a foot, and one foot is a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was also a ship, and the ship sailed the seas, and in the seas are fish, and fish have fins, and the Finns fought the Russians, and the Russians are red, and firetrucks are always russian around.

I attended a self-defence course.

At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...£380."
"I refuse to pay," I told him.
"You have to," he insisted.
"Well then, you'll have to fight me for it."
So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me b**..., bruised and beaten.
He said, "£380. Cough it up."
"No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."

Why are fire trucks red?

Because they have eight wheels and four people, and eight plus four is twelve. Twelve inches is a foot, and a foot is a ruler. Queen Elizabeth is also a ruler, but queen Elizabeth is also a ship, and ships sail the seas, and seas have fish, and fish have fins, and the Fins fought the Russians, Russians are red, and fire trucks are always russhing around

TIL In 1836 a San Antonio pie maker fought with Mexican dairy farmers who tried to serve their pie with a newly developed frozen dairy product. While the pie maker ultimately lost, their valiant struggle is brought to mind any time people declare,

"Remember the à la mode"

Dog attack

A guy limps up to a bar. "What happened to you?" the bartender asks. "On the walk over here I was attacked and bitten on the leg by this giant dog," the guy says. "Oh, no! Imagine if it had been a small child!" the bartender exclaims. "Well, I think I could have fought off a small child, Gary," the guy replies.

Man gets lost in the countryside

Drives up a long road to a farmhouse, passing a three legged pig in a field.
Farmer gives him instructions on a route back to the City.
Driver thanks him and before leaving says what's with the three legged pig?
Farmer says bravest pig you're ever gonna see… burglars attacked our house last month.. pig fought them off.
Week later I fell in the river and pig hauled me to safety.
Week after that the pig rescued my horse from a burning stable.
Driver… but why has it only got three legs?
Farmer… well a pig as brave as that.. we're not going to eat it in one go are we!!!!!!l

A man was walking on the road when he was accosted by two muggers who attacked him.

The man fought bravely but the muggers beat him senseless and proceeded to go through his pockets.
"There's only $2.75 in here!" said one of the muggers, looking through the man's wallet.
"You mean to say that you fought us like this for $2.75!?" the other mugger asked the man incredulously.
"Wha... that's what you wanted?" replied the man dazedly, "I thought you were after the $300 in my shoe."