Forward Jokes
134 forward jokes and hilarious forward puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about forward that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
A smile a day keeps the worries away! Discover the best collection of forward jokes to share with your family and friends on WhatsApp. Brighten their day with hilarious one-liners, funny jokes, puns, and more. Move forward and laugh your way to the future with these fun and creative jokes!
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Funniest Forward Short Jokes
Short forward jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The forward humour may include short ahead jokes also.
- Some say that if you play Nickelback backwards you'll hear Satan. Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear nickelback.
- The American Government is just like a car... If you want it to go forward you put it in (D) and if you want it to go backwards you put it in (R)
- Should we create an English word for the 'day after tomorrow'? Or would that be too forward thinking?
- TIL why scuba divers fall backwards into the water Because if they fall forward, they would land in the boat.
- Did you know that if you play Nickelback backwards you can hear the devil? But what's even worse is that if you play it forwards you can hear Nickelback
- A Mexican magician works on Microsoft Windows Uno, and *p**...*, DOS is gone without a tres.
- After gaining weight, My husband bought me a dress 2 sizes below and says... "I look forward to seeing you in it".
So for his birthday I bought him a coffin. - On the bright side... We can look forward to four more years of Michelle Obama speeches from our First Lady.
- If you were to write a direct, very short introduction for Microsoft Office's word processor, it might be a... ...forward four-word foreword for Word.
- A woman has a heart attack in a plane. The stewardess asks "Is there a doctor on board?".
A person comes forward and announces "I'm a vegan."
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Forward One Liners
Which forward one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with forward? I can suggest the ones about fore and reverse.
- Sometimes I tuck my knees up into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
- Today i learned TIL that dyslexia is the same forward and backwards
- Forward, it's heavy. Backwards, it's not. What is it? A ton
- My girlfriend said she wanted to try lunges. That's a big step forward.
- The word nun is just the letter n... ...doing a forward roll.
- Just remember, voting is like driving! D to go forward, R to go in reverse.
- Sometimes I put my head between my legs and fall forward. Thats how I roll.
- I started doing lunges this year for my health I think it's a big step forwards.
- A man was protesting against gay rights... His reasoning was very straight-forward.
- Ever driven a car with no steering wheel? It's pretty straight forward.
- My doctor told me I should do lunges, that would be a big step forward.
- Reasons I'm looking forward to Valentine's Day this year 1. It's pay day
- I'm really looking forward to the world Cup themed McDonald's burger. The qatar pounder
- My wife says she is really looking forward to the hotel... But I have my reservations.
- Politics is like a car you press "D" to go forward and "R" to go back
Looking Forward Jokes
Here is a list of funny looking forward jokes and even better looking forward puns that will make you laugh with friends.
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Kate Middleton has said if she has a boy she will call him by the most popular British boy's name at the moment. We look forward to the arrival of baby Mohammed. - I have a cross eyed friend who just got diagnosed with depression. Makes sense because he never looks forward to anything.
- What do you call a camel that looks the same walking forward as it does walking backward? A palindromedary.
- As a teacher, I had several parents tell me at the beginning of the year that their child was gifted. Now the year is almost over, I'm looking forward to regifting most of them.
- Whenever I'm down, I always look forward to the light at the end of the tunnel. I really hope it's a train this time.
- I was really looking forward to interviewing a local child psychologist, until I did. Turns out they were a full grown adult!
- Looking forward to my traditional 7-course Irish Thanksgiving meal A six pack and a potato
- To play devil's advocate on this whole Net Neutrality thing... He's sure looking forward to meeting Ajit Pai
- My brother has been writing a stage drama about a dictionary and a thesaurus. I'm really looking forward to it. I love a play on words.
- My Mum said to me last week that she had been looking forward to Mother's Day for ages. I said "Why? Your Mum's dead".
Backward Forward Jokes
Here is a list of funny backward forward jokes and even better backward forward puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why do scuba-divers jump backwards into the water? Because if they jumped forwards they'd still be in the boat.
- An American asked the Newfy scubadiver, "Why do you jump into the water backwards?"
To which the Newfy replied, "If we jumped forwards, we'd still be in the boat." - They say if you play the new Luke Bryan song backwards, you will hear a Satanic message. But that's not the worst part ...if you play it forwards, you'll hear the new Luke Bryan song.
- What's the difference between a word that's spelled the same forwards and backwards and your friend in Italy? One's a palindrome and one's a pal in Rome
- TIL That Elbillug is the only word that is pronounced the same forward and backward. Well, that and Rekcus.
- they say that if you play nickelback backwards, it's devil worship... But even worse, if you play it forwards it's nickelback
- One of the Monty python team has invented an unmanned aircraft that does sky-writing that's spelled the same backwards as forwards... It's a Palin drone...
- If you play Nickelback If you play a Nickelback song backward you'll hear Satanic messages, Even worse, If you play it forward you'll hear Nickelback.
- Why do scubadivers roll backwards out of the boat? If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat.
- What 8 letter word is read the same way backwards and forwards? Dyslexia
Moving Forward Jokes
Here is a list of funny moving forward jokes and even better moving forward puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- It doesn't matter how fast I'm going. What matters is that I'm moving forward in the right direction. police officer: That's very inspiring, but you're still getting a ticket.
- US politics is a lot like square dancing. Move to the right, take one step back, move to the left, take one step forward. Repeat.
- The reverse gear on our car stopped working, so my wife and I took it to a garage. Moving forward we should be fine.
- Why did the plastic surgeon create a surgery to move your ears forward? Because he wanted to create a new front-ear!
- Did you hear that the band members of No Doubt have announced they are moving forward without Gwen Stefani. It is reported they will now go by the name "Some Doubt".
- Tip for BMW Drivers - Move your seat as far forward as possible. That way you can get even closer to the car in front.
- I found out today that I can make time move forward with my mind. It just takes me a minute.
- I won $4 during the Mega Millions lottery today Please respect our privacy as our family decides how to move forward in this exciting and pivotal moment in time.
- What do whales say when they want to move forward? WHALE than...
- Johny was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Than he calmed himself down and moved forward.
Fast Forward Jokes
Here is a list of funny fast forward jokes and even better fast forward puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I got a DVD on how to improve your foreplay techniques.... I had to fast forward through all the boring bits in the beginning though.
- Can we fast forward time Because I don't want to wait another 6 years for Eminem to reply.
- How do you make YouTube rewind better? You fast forward it
Spring Forward Jokes
Here is a list of funny spring forward jokes and even better spring forward puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do most people look forward to but most mattresses fear? Spring Break
- What is Tigger's favorite day? Leap Day, but Spring Forward is a close second.
Amusing Forward Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends
What funny jokes about forward you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean backup jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make forward pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.
So he shouted out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
Just o**... stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray."
"Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."
A tourist is eaten by a python at the zoo.
Two tourists from the Czech republic are visiting New York. At the zoo, one leans forward, trying to get real close to the pythons. He falls down into the enclosure and is quickly swallowed whole.
Panicking, the other guy runs up to a caretaker and cries out for help. The caretaker asks him: "Which of these pythons ate your friend, the male or the female one?"
"That one! That one!", exclaims the Czech, pointing at the male snake, bloated with its stomach full. The caretaker runs up behind the satiated snake, cuts it open and pulls out ... a feeder pig.
"Oh no, it must have been the other one", yells the tourist. So the keeper cuts open the female snake, and sure enough, out comes the tourist.
In the end, the tourist could be revived, and miraculously, both snakes managed to live through the events, but there's still a lesson to be learned here: Never trust someone who tells you the Czech is in the male.
A cut above the rest
Once upon a time a powerful emperor of the rising sun advertised for a new chief samurai. Three men applied, A Japanese samurai, A Chinese swordsman And a Jewish samurai. The three met with the emperor to see who would get the job. "Japanese Samurai Show me your skill", the Japanese samurai stepped forward and released a fly from a box and the Japanese samurai cut the fly in two. "very impressive" said the emperor. "Chinese Swordsman Show me your stuff", the Chinese man stepped forth and released a fly from its box and with two swings of his swords cut the fly neatly into Quarters. "A marvelous feat" the Chinese swordsman was pleased. "How are you going to top that Jewish samurai?" The Jewish Samurai stepped forth and released his fly from a box, and with a mighty blow swepped his sword through the air and the fly continued to fly about. "what kind of skill is that? the fly isn't dead" the emperor laughed. "dead is easy" the Jewish samurai replied "Circumcision... now that takes skill".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Priest and a Jamaican man are on a plane...
..and as they're taking off, the pilot says over the intercom "folks, I have something to tell you. I cannot fly the plane if someone passes gas; if someone does, I'll pass out and the plane will c**...."
So halfway through the flight, the plane noses forward and goes into a dive. And the Jamaican stands up and screams "Who passed de gas?"
The priest says "how did you know?"
And the Jamaican answers "de scent!"
...I'll show myself out
There's an old Italian man
There's an old Italian man, and every year, he and his son plant a tomato garden together. This particular year, however, the son is in jail, and so the old man writes him a letter.
"My son, it is regrettable that you can't be here to plant the tomato garden with me this year. The soil is too hard for me to dig myself. I look forward to the day you come home so we can continue this tradition together."
The son writes back, "Father, don't dig up the tomato garden, that's where the bodies are buried."
That night around 2 AM, the police show up at the old man's house with a warrant to search the ground for bodies. After several hours of digging around, they find nothing, apologize to the man, and go on their way.
The next day, the man receives another letter from his son, "Father, given the circumstances, this was the best I could do. You should be able to plant the tomatoes now."
Sometimes I squat...
...and pull my legs up to my chest and lean forward.
Why?
That's how I roll.
American scientists made a clocks ...
that goes forward a second if someone swears near it.
So for testing they put them in army barracks of England, France and Russia. After a while they go and check on clocks.
In England clock is 2 second forward. In France clock is 30 seconds forward. They now visit Russia and see that clock is missing.
They ask nearby solider :"What happened to the clock?".
Solider replies : "We didn't need that fan in here."
Mother's Day
Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.
But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.
"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."
The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind....
The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?
Yes, I know, said the lady, I need both hands to hold onto this hat. But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed! said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Interruption of the speech of Comrade Stalin
Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes.
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.)
"First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Applause.)
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Long, loud applause.)
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) ...
A dejected voice in the back: "It was me" (Sobs.)
Stalin leans forward: "Bless you, comrade!"
Thanks to allrussias for glorious joke!
"Now then" said the warden addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot.....
"I would like to know two things: First: why did you revolt? Second: how did you get out of our cell?" One of the three men stepped forward "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful". "I see. And the cell, what did you use to break the bars?" "Toast" replied the leader,
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... Training
Little Johnny was just being p**... trained and his mom tried this new method with 6 steps:
1. Unbutton pants
2. Pull pants down
3. Pull f**... back
4. Pee
5. Push f**... forward
6. Pull pants up and button up
She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and she was thinking she did a good job.
Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast 3-5,3-5,3-5...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Yeti
A local married couple came forward today and said that a Yeti was spying on them while they were having s**... in their swimming pool, watching them intently before running off into the woods.
Now, I've been called lots of things in the past but that's just mean.
I am going for dancing lessons.
We did the waltz yesterday and it was really hard.
I just feel like I'm always taking 2 steps forward and 1 back.
Preacher
A preacher said, "Anyone with a special request who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar ."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week.
Terrifying Story
A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window. The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something." Taxi driver says "Not your fault Sir. It's my first day as a cab driver, I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years".
Two men were lost in a desert...
Dehydrated and dying, the men see a mirage of hundreds and hundreds of tents up ahead. As they get closer, they realize it's not a mirage, but a huge market.
The men stagger into the marketplace, begging everyone around for water, but the first few tents sell only jelly.
Moving on into the market, the men beg and plead for water but the next tents only sell cake.
As the men move forward they're surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of tents selling icecream only, with no water in sight.
The men finally exit the cluster of tents still dehydrated, and dying.
The first man turns to the other and says, "Is it just me, or was that really odd?"
The other man replies, "Yeah. It WAS a trifle bazaar..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Son: Mom, dad, I'm gay.
Son: Mom, dad, I'm gay.
Mom: *gasp*
Dad: *clenches fists*
Mom: Honey, stop!
Dad: *steps forward*
Mom: N-
Dad: HI GAY, I'M DAD.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If you listen to Nicki Minaj backwards, you'll hear the illuminati's plans
What's worse, if you listen to it forward, it's Nicki Minaj
Drunk in a Taxi
So, a drunk climbs gracelessly into the back of a taxi and says "Drive."
As they pull from the curb, he leans forward and asks the driver, "Do you have room up front for a large pepperoni pizza and a six-pack of beer?"
The driver replies, "Sure!"
The drunk bends over the seat and says, "HHUURRRRGGHHHHHH!"
Justin Trudeau announces free lazer eye surgery for all Canadians in 4 years...
When asked why he put forward this proposal, he responded by saying "because it's 2020".
The new French tanks have 14 gears
13 go in reverse and 1 goes forward in case the enemy attacks from behind.
A Saudi prince has come forward saying that they should end the ban placed on women driving in the kingdom.
Interesting, just in time when all global tech giants are in the final stage of trials of their self-driving cars.
My wife wanted me to whisper dirty things in her ear...
So I leaned forward and said: "dishes, bathroom and laundry."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Date night
I was on a date with a girl last night and the conversation started to get s**.... She was holding my hand and I said; "just by using these fingers I could make you scream."
Seductively she leant forward and purred "well go on then, show me..."
So I poked her in the eye!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One Sunday morning a preacher told his congregation..
"Everyone who wants to go to heaven after they die, come down to the front now!"
The whole church came forward except for o**.... Thinking that maybe the man hadn't heard him, the preacher repeated the invitation.
Again the man just sat there.
"Sir," said the preacher, "don't you want to go to heaven when you die?
The man replied, "Oh, when I die! I thought you were getting a group ready to go right now."
I walked into a Victoria's Secret a man and came out a knight.
From this day forward I shall be known as Sir- please leave you're being creepy.
It was my first day at a new school.
When I arrived, I wanted to make sure nobody would pick on me so I walked up to the captain of the football team and punched him in the face. He fell to the ground, unconscious. From that day forward, everyone knew not to mess with the new principal.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An army captain approaches a p**... and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...
She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"
Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"
Bringing her home to meet mother
I told my new girlfriend that my mother was very hard of hearing and that she should speak loud and slow. I told my mother that my girlfriend was mentally challenged and to please be polite.
I'm looking forward to Christmas dinner.
A rather drunk lieutenant formed up the platoon:
"Soldiers, why is the formation so crooked?"
"Because the Earth is round!" - someone called out.
"Who said that?"
"Galileo."
"Galileo, step forward!"
"But he has died long ago!"
"So then?! People here are dying, and no one is reporting this to me?"
*Joke was translated from Bulgarian*
A little girl walks into a pet shop
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper bends down to her level, smiling, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby, or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl leans forward and whispers, "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
In a strange way, I was really looking forward to the hurricane and I was disappointed when it was downgraded...
I thought others round these here parts would echo my sentiment, but I guess Carolinians are used to being disappointed by the Hurricanes.
A mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers.
1. Open your fly.
2. Take out your equipment.
3. Pull back the skin.
4. Do your business.
5. Let the skin forward.
6. Stow your equipment.
7. Close your fly."
She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson, and each time heard him through the bathroom door saying, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 7."
She was pleased with his progress until that day when she passed the bathroom door and heard, "3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5."
So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week
She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."
I asked her: "What do you think it means?"
She smiled and said: "I don't know..."
Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.
I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is sitting at her husbands f**... listening to the eulogies
She turned to the man next to her and asked if he would say a few words.
Certainly , he says and walks up to the mic
A few words the man says before sitting back down
That's exactly what I needed to hear says the woman.
A man sitting behind her leans forward and asks, Do you mind if I say a word?
Not at all she replies
He stands, walks forward and clears his t**....
Bargain he says before returning to his seat
Thanks , says the woman, that means a great deal
Another man then takes the mic and simply says many .
Thank you, that means a lot says the woman
The first 5G cell phone mast in town is put up
Suddenly, all sorts of people develop medical conditions. A citizens' initiative against the mast is formed. A public hearing is organized with the mayor and representatives of the telecom company. The people bring forward all the ailments they suffer from since the mast was erected.
The telecom technician replies: "For God's sake, what will be going on when we then put the mast into operation?"
Three men were about to be executed by the firing squad.
The first man was brought forward and before they could shoot him he yelled "avalanche"! The firing squad panicked and in the confusion, the man jumped over the wall and into freedom before the firing squad could regroup.
The second man thought what the first man did was clever and when he was brought forward for his execution, he yelled "earthquake"! Again, the firing squad panicked and the second man took advantage of it to jump over the wall and into freedom.
The third man thought he saw the pattern: yell a disaster and jump over the wall. When he was finally brought forward, with a smirk on his face he yelled "fire"!
On a bitter cold day, Hank visited Lou
"I had a rough time getting here", said Hank, "for every step forward forward I slid back two!"
"But if you slid back two steps for every step you took forward, how'd you get here?", asked Lou.
"I almost didn't, but then I said to myself 'forget it', and turned around and started back home"
This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.
My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."
My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."
I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.
A man decides to visit Germany with his dog for 2 weeks.
He wishes to experience German culture during the winter. So, he visits an ice rink. As soon as the man steps foot on the ice, the dog darts forward, excited about his new surroundings. The dog proceeds to fall through a thinner patch of ice. The man leaps forward to save his dog, but another man dives in and pulls the dog to safety. The German man explains he is a nearby resident who saw what was about to happen. The other man, realizing his dog will need help as soon as he can get asks,
"Are you a vet?"
The German man replies, "Vet? I am soaking!"
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Help! is there a doctor on board?
DOCTOR: (rushing forward) Yes, I'm a doctor.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Oh thank god, this man is choking on an apple.
DOCTOR: (backing away) Oh no no no no no.
Apparently most people lean slightly forward when they nod their head.
Must say, I'm inclined to agree.
A driver was reversing his truck up a hill on a narrow gravel track
A hiker saw him and asked, why don't you drive up in forward?
Driver: It is a narrow track, in case I don't find a place to turn up there
Hiker: oh, clever
After a while the hiker sees the same driver reversing down hill
Hiker: what happened?
Driver: I found a place to turn
I ordered from this Chinese restaurant recently
(won't name them) went to pick it up and as I was driving back home heard the bags rustling and moving. I thought what on earth is that? Has something gotten into the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out.
Because I was driving at the time, I pulled over, leaned forward picked the bag up put it on the passenger seat and there it was again more rustling and little eyes looking out from the bag. I thought it's got to be a rat or mouse or something so I carefully pulled the bag open....And there it was ...
A peeking duck.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young boy passes a brothel on his way home from school when
the lady of the house leans forward and waves her pinky finger at him. "Hi little boy", she laughs.
He asks her, "why do you wave like that?"
She holds up her pinky finger again, "well, that's how little 'it' is".
The next day the boy strolls by and the lady does the same. "Hi little boy" she jests, waving her pinky finger in the air.
The little boy puts a finger in each corner of his mouth, stretching it as wide as possible and says, "hiya big lady".
A man rides a pony into a bar
A man charges through the front door of his local saloon, perched on the back of a pony. He rushes to the bar and says Bartender, I need a hot tea, as quick as you can!
The bartender, taken aback, says Sir! You can't ride that thing in here! And why do you so desperately need a hot tea?!
The man leans forward, looks the bartender square in the eye, and slowly pets the pony's mane.
Mister , he exclaims, I'm feeling a little horse .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A parking warden was being buried.
As they lowered the coffin into the ground there was a frantic b**... from inside and shouts of I'M NOT DEAD! I'M NOT DEAD!
"Ah sorry mate" says the priest, leaning forward to the coffin. "It's too late, I've started filling in the paperwork"
Dad Joke
Don't care what my 10yo daughter does or says from this forward, I'll always be a proud Father…
She asked me what do you call a Elf that just won the lottery… Welfy
A man comes home from church with two black eyes.
His wife takes one look at him and exclaims, "how in the world did you get two black eyes at church!?"
"Well" the man answers, "When we stood up to pray, i noticed that the woman in front of me had the back of her dress tucked in to her pantyhoes. I didn't want to embarrass her by telling her, so i reached forward and pulled it out. She turned around and punched me in the eye!"
"that explains one black eye" said his wife, " so how did you get the other one?"
"I thought she must have wanted it there so i put it back!"
The numbers game
A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting. 'Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!' goes the noise from within the mental hospital's wards.
The man's curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It's not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in. Instantly, someone jabs him in the eye.
As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues:
'Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!'
Old lady on a cruise...
The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?
Yes, I know, said the lady, I need both hands to hold onto this hat. But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed! said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!
A ship was sinking...
The captain of the ship gathers all passengers on deck and asks the crowd: "Does anyone here know how to say prayers".
A priest steps forward: "I can" he says with some pride in his voice. "Actually, I used to say the best prayers in the monastery, and they would be answered by God too" he continues boastfully.
"Great" answers the captain, "We're one life jacket short, so you say prayers, me and the crew are gonna rescue the rest of passengers by the life jackets".
scared of flying
A friend of mine who was scared of flying and asked me one day: "What is the probability that
there will be a bomb on an airplane?" I responded that I really didn't know, but that it was certainly less than one in a million. So he asked: "Well, what is the probability that there are two bombs on an airplane?" I responded that (as long as these were independent events) it would be the square of the probability of having one bomb, which is 1 in a trillion
- a truly astronomical number. So, from that day forward he always carried a bomb with
him when he flew
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Grandpa's 100th birthday party was not a huge success.
The family wheeled him in his chair out onto the lawn for a picnic. When he slowly started to lean to the right, his daughter stuffed a pillow on his right side to prop him up. A bit later, he started leaning to the left. His son straightened him up and stuffed a pillow on his left side. Soon he started tilting forward. This time his other son caught him and tied a pillow around his waist.
A few minutes later, his grandson arrived. He said, Hey, Grandpa! How's life treating you?
Terrible, he said. They won't let me f**....
A pastor is looking forward to dinner with a family in his congregation….
After church on Sunday, the pastor approaches the family and confirms their dinner the coming Friday. After making small talk for a few minutes, the pastor turns to the couple's 5yo. Have your parents told you what they will be making for us on Friday?
The child thinks a second and replies, Goat.
The pastor squinted and exclaimed Goat?
As the parents are speaking up to clarify, the child cuts in loudly. Yeah, yesterday I heard Mommy tell Daddy that Friday is as good a day as any to have the old goat for dinner!
The Enterprise-D had just accomplished a major Starfleet mission, so the crew went to celebrate at Ten Forward. Captain Picard and Chief O'Brien were chosen to give the toasts.
First O'Brien gave his toast; "May you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live."
Next Picard gave his toast; "Cinnamon, eggs, bread and maple syrup."
The bartender, Guinan, admired O'Brien's toast, but was absolutely confused by Picard's.
So O'Brien explained, "As you all know, I'm from Ireland, so I gave a traditional Irish toast."
And Picard explained, "And as you all know, I'm from France..."
Two prisoners are breaking out.
To make it to freedom, they have to climb over seven high walls. The first two are no problem, but they are starting to get tired after wall three. Wall four is quite challenging for them, but they make it with little issue. After wall five, they are exhausted, but they keep going. Smelling freedom, they push forward and barely manage to scale wall six, dropping down completely spent. Looking up at the final wall, one prisoner says to the other: "I'm completely exhausted and can't go any further. Let's turn back."
Three men stand before a judge.
What crime did you commit? He asks the first one.
I threw peanuts in the elephant pen at the zoo, he replies.
That doesn't sound so bad. the judge says in confusion before addressing the second man, What crime did you commit?
I threw peanuts in the elephant pen at the zoo, the second man replies.
Again that doesn't sound so bad, the judge says, his confusion building. He turns to the third man, What crime did you commit?
The third man steps forward and says, Well, my name is Peanuts….
Wife convinces husband to make a play list for when they're in the bedroom.
Wife: OK what's the first song you want?
Husband: Spiderbait - Black Betty.
Wife: I don't know that one. I look forward to hearing it. What's your next song?
Husband: The playlist doesn't have to be that long.
