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Fortune Jokes

185 fortune jokes and hilarious fortune puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about fortune that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Do you believe in fate? Read our article and get a laugh out of playing with good luck and bad fortune. Learn about fortune cookie predictions, the wheel of fortune, Ms. Fortune, and all the mischief related to fortune telling. Discover some of the funniest jokes related to fate and misfortune.

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Funniest Fortune Short Jokes

Short fortune jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The fortune humour may include short luck jokes also.

  1. Give a Man a Fish and You Will Feed Him for a Day. Teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on gear he will only use twice a year.
  2. A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak. So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.
  3. A fortune teller told me I'd suffer awful heart break in 12 years. To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.
  4. Did you hear the one about the non binary gold prospector They dug a fortune out of them/their hills.
  5. Did you hear about the non-binary gold prospector? They dug up a fortune in them/their hills.
  6. Recently, a fortune teller told me that in about 12 years I would suffer terrible heartbreak. So, to cheer myself up, I went and bought a puppy.
  7. I almost lost my job as a DJ at a country music station I accidentally played the same three songs for five hours. Fortunately, our listeners didn't seem to notice.
  8. How do you make a small fortune from investing in Bitcoin? Start off by investing a large fortune in Bitcoin.
  9. They say you should test your fire alarm once a month... But it's costing me a fortune in houses!
  10. Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he felt crumby. - my 4 y.o. daughter

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Fortune One Liners

Which fortune one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with fortune? I can suggest the ones about wealth and success.

  1. My grief counselor suddenly died. Fortunately he was excellent so I don't care.
  2. How do fortune tellers greet each other? You're good, how am I?
  3. 99.9% of people are idiots. Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people
  4. Someone keyed the music teacher's car Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor
  5. I know how to make a small fortune from gambling start with a large fortune
  6. 99.9% of people are dumb Fortunately, I belong to 1% of smart people
  7. My parents tried to surprise me with a car this Christmas... Fortunately they missed.
  8. What is the fastest way to get a small fortune? Start with a large one
  9. What size clothes do fortune tellers wear? Medium.
  10. I logged on to Reddit today and was promised Fame, Fortune, and Women The cake was a lie.
  11. 99.9% of the population is dumb. Fortunately I belong to the 1% of smart people.
  12. What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A large fortune
  13. How do you make a small fortune in crypto? Start with a large one.
  14. I just open a fortune cookie that had no paper inside... ...it was unfortunate.
  15. What is the easiest way to get a small fortune? You start with a large one.

Fortune Teller Jokes

Here is a list of funny fortune teller jokes and even better fortune teller puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The fortune teller told me I'd lose one of my closest friends in 13-14 years. To cope with this news, I bought a puppy.
  • All of the fortune tellers I've met are either really depressing or overly enhusiastic. Why can't I find a happy medium?
  • Did you hear about the midget fortune teller that's on a killing spree? They're saying he's a small medium at large.
  • A fortune teller told me I'd suffer a tragic heartbreaking loss in 12 years So to cheer myself up I got a puppy
  • What do you call a 5' 2" fortune teller that has escaped from prison? A small medium at large
  • Did you hear about the midget fortune teller who broke out of prison? He's a small medium at large.
  • A fortune teller warned me that I'll lose $2000 today Then she charged me $2000 for fortune telling
  • My fortune teller is such a fraud, said my dad would live a long life but he died at 51 I wish my dad could live longer like our chef who completed 73 years yesterday.
  • A cannibal brings a fortune teller home to his wife. He says, "Remember not to overcook this one. I like a medium rare."
  • I got some bad news from a fortune teller today. "Six dollars," she said, "and please, it's bank teller."

Fortune Tellers Jokes

Here is a list of funny fortune tellers jokes and even better fortune tellers puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Two fortune tellers meet each other. One of them says:
    "Hello! Your day was fine. How about mine?"
  • What do you call a midget fortune teller, who is wanted by the law? A Small Medium at Large
  • My great grandad used to make fabric booths for clairvoyants and fortune tellers.. He was a con-tent creator.
  • What did the headlines read after the midget fortune-teller escaped from jail? Small medium at large.
  • A fortune teller told me that someone is going to post this again tomorrow So I proved her wrong and posted it today lol sorry man I ruined your joke
  • I saw a fortune teller laughing so I punched her in the face.. You have to strike a happy medium..
  • Breaking: Police are on the hunt for a 5 foot fortune teller. She's a small medium at large.
  • So I went to a fortune teller and asked if I was going to get any action that night. She told me she didn't deal in self fulfilling prophecies.
  • I used to be a fortune teller but all I could predict was really cold winters. Then I found out the crystal ball shop had sold me a snow globe..
  • I asked a fortune teller the name of my future wife. I have no idea what kind of name is "Yorhand". Sounds Swedish though.
Fortune joke, I asked a fortune teller the name of my future wife.

Here is a list of funny fortune cookie jokes and even better fortune cookie puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I just opened up a fortune cookie and there wasn't a fortune inside. I thought to myself, that's unfortunate. -True story
  • Today I had a fortune cookie that had no fortune inside... ...it was very unfortunate.
  • Fortune cookie: "Every exit can be an entry" Long story short:
    My girlfriens said no...
  • I once opened a fortune cookie with nothing inside of it It was unfortunate...
  • I got an empty fortune cookie the other day. It was unfortunate.
  • If your friend wants to learn to drive.. ..don't stand in the way.
    Brought to you by my fortune cookie 🥠
  • What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.
    The real joke is that this is what my fortune cookie said.
  • I still remember my first fortune cookie... ...and how much it tasted like paper.
  • After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, Be quiet for a little while.
    His read, Talk while you have a chance.
  • If you eat some fortune cookies whole... You'll have some turds of wisdom.

Wheel Of Fortune Jokes

Here is a list of funny wheel of fortune jokes and even better wheel of fortune puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Finally Wheel of Fortune is modernizing to reach more millennials with new rules. Instead of buying a vowel they have to rent it.
  • Wheel of Fortune Me: I'd like to buy a vowel
    Pat: Aren't you a millennial?
    Me: *sigh* I'd like to rent a vowel
  • Did you hear about the millennial on Wheel of Fortune? He tried to rent a vowel.
  • You know times are tough when you see a millenial playing Wheel Of Fortune And they have to rent an 'A'.
  • Why didn't the birdwatcher have to buy a vowel when he was on the Wheel of Fortune? Because he had a sparrow.
  • Coach Krzyzewski thinks he's playing wheel of fortune... "I'd like to buy a foul"
  • Why don't Canadians do well on Wheel of Fortune? Because the host gets confused when they say "I'd to buy a vowel eh."
  • Why did Vana White run off the stage of Wheel of Fortune? She had a bowel movement during her vowel movement.
  • Wheel of Fortune is just like hangman With a twist
  • Chuck Norris once starred in Wheel of Fortune.
    The last twenty nine minutes were spent in an awkward silence, waiting for the wheel to stop spinning.
Fortune joke

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about fortune can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of fortune puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Fortune Jokes

What funny jokes about fortune you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean profit jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make fortune prank.

A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller.

"You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says. "That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man. "That's what you think," says the fortune teller.

would you still love me?

Husband asks his young wife, "Would you still love me if I hadn't inherited my Father's fortune?". She smiles sweetly and says, "Honey, I would have loved you no matter whose fortune you inherited".

penny scales

A woman stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and put in a coin.
"Listen to this," she said to her husband, showing him a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," her husband nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

How do you win a small fortune in Las Vegas?

By spending a large fortune.

If you had to choose between world peace and Bill Gates' fortune...

What color would your Lamborghini be?

If you could own the entirety of Bill Gates' fortune or solve world hunger,...

what color would your Lamborghini be?

Two guys were drinking and having a conversation in a bar

During the conversation o**... says to the other
"I blew a t**... over the weekend. It leaked everywhere and it cost me a small fortune".
Upon hearing this, his friend says. "When did they say you can pick up your car?".
Confused, the first guy said "Car? What car?"

A man goes to a fortune teller...

..., where she, in horrified voice, tells him that he'll make the world miserable in the near future. The man, down as f**k, starts walking home, where he sees a small boy standing on the edge of a bridge. He quickly runs to him and saves him from s**.... Happy that he did something good for humanity asks the boy what's his name. Adolf h**..., the boy replies.

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out.

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.
"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he told me last week that he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought up my boy in the faith, put him though university, cost me a fortune, then one day he came to me and told me he has decided to become a Chrsitian."
"What did you do?" Asked the lawyer.
"I turned to God for the answer," replied the Rabbi.
"And what did he say?"
He said, "Funny you should come to me..."

Why do LEGO men hate going to hospital...?

Because plastic surgery costs a fortune!

I'm making a fortune promoting home security systems

The pitch is easy. All I do is say "Good morning". At 3am whilst sitting on the end of their bed.

Got any funny fortune cookie idea's?

I own a restaurant and I have extremely funny fortune cookies, but I'm running out of fortune ideas! Help me! I need some raunchy, dirty and insulting fortunes! Show me what you got and you could see them in a fortune cookie one day!

At the fortune teller

h**... went to see a fortune teller. After he had sat down in the darkened room, the fortune teller said, I will read your palm for fifty dollars, and that entitles you to ask three questions.
Questions about what? asked h**....
About anything, replied the psychic.
But is not fifty dollars an awful lot to charge for that? complained h**....
Maybe, said the palmist, and what is your last question?

Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer?

All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
I'm pretty sure this is the joke that will yield me my fortune.

What do you call a 7' 2" fortune teller in his underpants?

A large medium in smalls.

I know the secret to leaving a casino with a small fortune

Walk in with a big fortune.
Happy new year

I once sent n**... pictures to everyone in my contacts list. Not only was it embarrassing...

It cost me a fortune in stamps.

A depressed frog goes to visit a fortune teller

Hoping for good news he goes to meet with a fortune teller.
The fortune teller closes her eyes, makes some strange sounds, and finally says, "You will meet a beautiful young girl that will want to know everything about you"
The frog gets excited and says, "Wow! When will I meet her? At a party?"
"No," replied the fortune teller, "in her biology class."

FROG'S DREAM GIRL

A frog goes to a fortune teller and asks if he is going meet a young girl.
The psychic tells him, "Yes, you are."
The frog replies, "Where? In a bar or at a party?"
The psychic says, "In biology class."

Newspaper ad - RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:

1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

What is the most tried and true method to getting a small fortune?

Start out with a large fortune.

I went to a psychic today. Ended up accidentally breaking her crystal ball.

It cost me a fortune.

TIFU by sending my n**... to everyone in my address book

Cost me a fortune in stamps

Why did the phosphorus atom go to the fortune teller?

To find out his phos-fate!

TIL that the term "A s**... of luck" has more than one meaning-

-when my fortune teller gave me a h**....

A fortune teller walks up to a boy on the street.

Hey, I have a joke for you, she says.
The boy shrugs. Ok.
The fortune teller smiles.
Cancer, she says.
Cancer? the boy asks. He frowns. If that's your joke, I don't get it.
Don't worry, the fortune teller says, and starts to walk away, You will when you're older.

What's the difference between a fortune teller and a farmer with r**... bunnies

One deals with tarot cards while the other deals with carrot tards.

My teacher once told me that success never comes before work...

I'll definitely pay him a visit after I make a fortune selling dictionaries.

A penguin falls asleep on an iceberg,...

When he wakes up, he finds himself encased in ice, floating in the middle of the ocean. To his fortune, he spots the horn of a narwhal close by. Thanking his lucky stars, he calls out to him. The narwhal comes and the penguin asks "Thank goodness you're around, Mr. Narwhal. Could you break the ice?". The narwhal stares at him for a bit.
"Ok, so what are your hobbies?"

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

Going to a singles bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man" he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.

Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks "When am I going to die?"

The fortune teller replies: "you will die on a major Mexican holiday."
Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"
The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"

I just spent £500 on a fortune teller, and all she told me was that she had a vision of me m**....

I think she saw me coming.

I got my fortune told by someone using herbs. I'm not sure if any of the predictions were accurate.

Only thyme will tell.

My dad bought himself a new hearing aid.

"It's state of the art," he boasted. "Cost me a fortune."
"Awesome," I replied. "What kind is it?"
"Two-thirty."

What do you call a midget fortune teller on the run from the police?

A small medium at large

h**... went to see a fortune seer

h**... went to see a fortune seer. He walked in and demanded to know on what day he would die.
The seer replied "You will die on a Jewish holiday"
h**... wanted more in information than that, and asked "Which holiday?"
The seer just smirked and said "Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday"

A man decided to visit a fortune teller...

After looking into his hand and into the crystal ball, the fortune teller says in a dramatic tone:
You sir, will be responsible for the death of millions
Shocked and taken aback, the man goes back to his home. Along the way, he passes near a river and sees a small boy drowning helplessly.
Well, if millions of people are going to die because of me, I might at least save one life.
He jumps into the river and pulls the boy out. The shocked mother comes in tears and says:
Oh my dear god, thank you so much Mr., you are a saint. Adolf, you should thank this gentleman yourself.

h**... asked a fortune teller what day he would die

The fortune teller assures him he would die on a Jewish holiday. Why are you sure of that he asked. Any day she replies you die will be a Jewish holiday

There's a VERY easy way to leave every casino with a small fortune.

Go there with a large one.

I thought my dating site for chickens would make me a fortune

But I'm struggling to make hens meet

A woman goes to the fortune teller.

A woman goes to the fortune teller, who tells her, "Two men want to marry me. Who will be the lucky one?" The fortune teller answers, "You will marry Robert, David will be the lucky one."

A petite fortune teller excapes prison

**Breaking News**
Small Medium at Large

A man goes to meet a fortune teller

As he sits down she starts: "So I see, you're a father of two kids..."
"Ha, that's a bad guess", the man replies, "I'm father of three."
The fortune teller smiles: "yes, that's what YOU believe."

A woman goes to a fortune teller

A woman goes to a fortune teller to have her fortune read. The old fortune teller looks through her crystal ball and then gasps with horror. She says "By the next full moon your husband shall be dead!"
The woman looking disappointed says "I already know that part. Tell me if I'll get convicted or not."

News break: A fortune telling midget just escaped from prison, police are reporting to be on the lookout for a:

Small medium at large.

How do you earn a small fortune by gambling?

You start with a big fortune.

Have you ever wondered about those people who pay a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water?

Try spelling Evian backwards!

h**... went to a fortune teller..

..and asked her, On what day will I die? The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. Why are you so sure of that? demanded h**....
Any day , she replied, on which you die will be a Jewish holiday.

I saved a fortune by not vaccinating my child.

Which was fortunate, because kids funerals don't come cheap.

h**... goes to a fortune teller

He asks what day will I die? The fortune teller says On a Jewish holiday. h**... asks what holiday the fortune teller replies with Any day you die with be a Jewish holiday.

A man goes to a fortune teller to see his future.

The fortune teller says: "Oh, I see that on Friday, your wife will die."
"I already know that," replies the man, "what I need to know is whether I will be arrested..."

Why can't fortune tellers have children

They have glass b**...

This was in a joke book from the 1940s

h**... went to a fortune teller and asked her, on what day will I die?
The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday.
Why are you so sure of that? Demanded h**...
Any day, she replied on which you die will become a Jewish holiday.

Well, I accidentally sent a n**... photo of me to everyone in my contacts list

It cost me a small fortune in stamps.

He was right

I was walking down the street and a man offered to read me my fortune for $5. I agreed out of curiosity. He takes hold of my hand and then said you're gonna be p**... and took off running.

I went to a fortune teller and told her I wanted my palm read...

...the b**... stabbed my hand.

I told my girlfriend she has a lot in common with cigarettes.

"awww is because you are addicted to me?" she replied
I said "no, you are costing me a fortune whilst slowly killing me"

I held up by TSA because I packed a deck of fortune telling cards

They must have thought I was a taroist

Fortune joke, I held up by TSA because I packed a deck of fortune telling cards

jokes about fortune

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these fortune jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.