Fortune Teller Jokes
128 fortune teller jokes and hilarious fortune teller puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about fortune teller that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Fortune Teller Short Jokes
Short fortune teller jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The fortune teller humour may include short fortuneteller jokes also.
- A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak. So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.
- All of the fortune tellers I've met are either really depressing or overly enhusiastic. Why can't I find a happy medium?
- Did you hear about the midget fortune teller that's on a killing spree? They're saying he's a small medium at large.
- A fortune teller warned me that I'll lose $2000 today Then she charged me $2000 for fortune telling
- My fortune teller is such a fraud, said my dad would live a long life but he died at 51 I wish my dad could live longer like our chef who completed 73 years yesterday.
- A cannibal brings a fortune teller home to his wife. He says, "Remember not to overcook this one. I like a medium rare."
- I got some bad news from a fortune teller today. "Six dollars," she said, "and please, it's bank teller."
- Two fortune tellers meet each other. One of them says:
"Hello! Your day was fine. How about mine?" - My great grandad used to make fabric booths for clairvoyants and fortune tellers.. He was a con-tent creator.
- A fortune teller told me that someone is going to post this again tomorrow So I proved her wrong and posted it today lol sorry man I ruined your joke
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Fortune Teller One Liners
Which fortune teller one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with fortune teller? I can suggest the ones about psychic and fortune cookie.
- How do fortune tellers greet each other? You're good, how am I?
- What size clothes do fortune tellers wear? Medium.
- Why did the phosphorus atom go to the fortune teller? To find out his phos-fate!
- What do you call a 7' 2" fortune teller in his underpants? A large medium in smalls.
- How do you cook a fortune teller? Medium.
- What did the fortune-teller say to the lightbulb? "I see al bright future."
- Did you hear about the colour-blind fortune teller? He could only see the fuchsia
- Fortune Teller recruitment Come if you are accepted for the job
- What do you call a fortune teller from the Middle East? A tarotrist.
- Where do fortune tellers buy their clothes? Sears.
- Did you hear about the contortionist fortune teller? She could foresee her own end.
- What do you call a good fortune teller? Optimystic
- What do you call an upbeat and reasonable fortune teller? A happy medium.
- A fortune teller told me my firstborn would become a priest. It was preordained.
- What do you call the ATM outside a lottery? A fortune teller.
Fortune Teller Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about fortune teller you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean horoscope jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make fortune teller pranks.
Customer: "Waiter, what’s the meaning of this fly in my tea up?"
Waiter: "I wouldn’t know sir, I’m a waiter, not a fortune teller."
The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy goes to a fortune teller...
The fortune teller looks at him and says, "Tonight you will have great s**..., but it will impregnate your partner."
The guy, not ready to be a father, says, "Is there any way to undo this fate?"
The fortune teller replies, "You can't un-fortune-nut-lay."
A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller.
"You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says. "That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man. "That's what you think," says the fortune teller.
Wives seem to love this one
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes to a fortune teller...
..., where she, in horrified voice, tells him that he'll make the world miserable in the near future. The man, down as f**k, starts walking home, where he sees a small boy standing on the edge of a bridge. He quickly runs to him and saves him from s**.... Happy that he did something good for humanity asks the boy what's his name. Adolf h**..., the boy replies.
What were the fortune teller's last words before dying?
I should've seen *that* one coming.
So I went to a fortune teller and asked if I was going to get any action that night.
She told me she didn't deal in self fulfilling prophecies.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At the fortune teller
h**... went to see a fortune teller. After he had sat down in the darkened room, the fortune teller said, I will read your palm for fifty dollars, and that entitles you to ask three questions.
Questions about what? asked h**....
About anything, replied the psychic.
But is not fifty dollars an awful lot to charge for that? complained h**....
Maybe, said the palmist, and what is your last question?
Did you hear about the albino fortune-teller who died in the house fire?
She was a rare medium, well-done.
I recently saw a psychic, a mystic, a palm reader, and a fortune teller all laughing together at something I couldn't understand.
Must have been an insight joke...
What do you call a 5'10" fortune teller parked in the middle of a divided highway?
A medium medium on the median.
I went to a blind fortune teller the other day
She looked into her crystal ball, and she told me there is eternal darkness in my future.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Fortune teller
A guy who knows little English sees man across the street, this man has a funny hat, a beard and looks like a typical fortune teller.
Guy: excuse me, can you read fortune?
Fortune teller: okay just let me get out my phone, ah here we are, I see some people talking about drugs, a banana and a guy getting his head cut off.
Guy: that happen to me?
Fortune teller: oh *fortune*… I thought you said 4chan
A homeless man goes to a fortune teller...
A homeless man who spends his days street performing on an old guitar for some loose change decides to spend the money on a fortune teller one day.
The fortune teller tells the homeless man that she has good news and bad news for him. The homeless asks to hear the good news first.
She begins to tell the man about his after-life. She tells him that he will meet Elvis and John Lennon in the after-life, and that the three of them together are going to be the next top hit band.
The homeless man leaps from joy, realizing his experience with the old guitar has aided him well. Having already thanked the fortune teller and shook her hand, he pauses for a moment on his way out to turn around say, "Oh yeah, I forgot to ask you what the bad news was?."
"Auditions are tomorrow."
A depressed frog goes to visit a fortune teller
Hoping for good news he goes to meet with a fortune teller.
The fortune teller closes her eyes, makes some strange sounds, and finally says, "You will meet a beautiful young girl that will want to know everything about you"
The frog gets excited and says, "Wow! When will I meet her? At a party?"
"No," replied the fortune teller, "in her biology class."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a fortune teller that always predicts happiness for her clients?
A h**... with a gimmick
did you hear about the gipsy that had a glass baby
married a fortune teller with a crystal ball.
The smallest fortune teller went into a supermarket in Eastern Europe.
Now there's a minimum medium at a Maxima.
Fortune Teller
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large!
A man and a fortune teller make a compromise and reach a happy medium.
Did you hear the one about the fortune teller and the nickle?
She didn't have a sixth cent.
What did the blind fortune teller tell his customer
i can see your future
(I'm not sure if this has been posted already)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a midget fortune-teller who's on the run from the law?
**A small medium at large.**
^(Hope this doesn't get posted often)
The Bartender says, "This bar is for fortune tellers only."
Two skeptics walk into a bar.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
TIL that the term "A s**... of luck" has more than one meaning-
-when my fortune teller gave me a h**....
BREAKING: A Tiny Fortune Teller Has Robbed a Bank And Is Now On The Loose!
The headline reads: Small Medium At Large!
A fortune teller walks up to a boy on the street.
Hey, I have a joke for you, she says.
The boy shrugs. Ok.
The fortune teller smiles.
Cancer, she says.
Cancer? the boy asks. He frowns. If that's your joke, I don't get it.
Don't worry, the fortune teller says, and starts to walk away, You will when you're older.
What do you call a fortune teller that specialites in burnt things?
A soot-sayer.
What did the dermatologist fortune teller say to the cantaloupe when examining a blemish?
This is a bad melon-omen...
Did you hear about the fortune teller that cheated at cards?
I guess that's how the tarotists win.
Why did the communist grab the fortune teller?
He wanted to seize the means of prediction.
2 fortune tellers are talking about the weather.
The first one says it's going to be a hot winter. The second one replies "Yes, reminds me of the summer of 2093."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A fortune-teller laughed after reading my fortune, so I punched her on the nose.
It was the first time I had ever struck a happy medium.
What do you call the rest of a unique fortune teller's cremation?
A rare medium well done.
Goldie, a middle aged Jewish woman goes to see a fortune-teller.
"Two men are madly in love with me!" Goldie says. "Who will be the lucky one?"
The swami answers...."Morris will marry you, and Irving will be the lucky one."
An electrician goes to a fortune teller.
When he arrives, the fortune teller says
"Look into this crystal ball and you will see how you die". When the electrician looks into the ball, he couldn't believe what he saw. He was shocked.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a fortune teller and a farmer with r**... bunnies
One deals with tarot cards while the other deals with carrot tards.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you know my girlfriend is a fortune teller?
Once a month I put my hand down her knickers and get my palm red!
Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks "When am I going to die?"
The fortune teller replies: "you will die on a major Mexican holiday."
Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"
The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just spent £500 on a fortune teller, and all she told me was that she had a vision of me m**....
I think she saw me coming.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are blind people bad fortune tellers?
Because they don't have visions.
Ever since I was young, I wanted to be a fortune teller
But now I don't really see it in my future
I went to a fortune teller and they said in 30 minutes I would get dirt on my leg...
I guess it's just dusty knee
Did you hear about the fortune teller who ordered shoes one size too large?
Turns out he was a medium.
A frog goes to a fortune teller to find out if he will ever be lucky in love...
The fortune teller reads his palm and tells the frog, I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
The frog asks for the good news first.
The fortune teller says, You are going to meet the most beautiful girl, who is going to be very interested in you and will want to know all about you. She will want you to open up for her."
Great! says the frog. What's the bad news?
Well, you're going to meet her in biology class."
A short fortune teller committed a crime, and the police put almost no effort into catching her
Headlines the next day read: Small medium largely ignored.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A midget fortune teller
A midget fortune teller was spotted killing a man and is now fleeing the scene, currently we have a small medium at large
I went to a fortune teller and she told me I was destined to eat all I could in a short period of time...
It was my buf-fate.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**... went to a fortune-teller one day.
A man decided to visit a fortune teller...
After looking into his hand and into the crystal ball, the fortune teller says in a dramatic tone:
You sir, will be responsible for the death of millions
Shocked and taken aback, the man goes back to his home. Along the way, he passes near a river and sees a small boy drowning helplessly.
Well, if millions of people are going to die because of me, I might at least save one life.
He jumps into the river and pulls the boy out. The shocked mother comes in tears and says:
Oh my dear god, thank you so much Mr., you are a saint. Adolf, you should thank this gentleman yourself.
A fortune teller won $540 on the National Lottery..
A fortune teller won $540 on the National Lottery - She was neither ecstatic or too downhearted about it.
Just a happy Medium.
What do you call a community of fortune tellers who work for free?
A non-prophet organization
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to see a fortune teller when I was in Vietnam...
...but she was on fire. She was a n**... reader.
I believe this is a Milton Jones joke.
A woman goes to the fortune teller.
A woman goes to the fortune teller, who tells her, "Two men want to marry me. Who will be the lucky one?" The fortune teller answers, "You will marry Robert, David will be the lucky one."
A man goes to meet a fortune teller
As he sits down she starts: "So I see, you're a father of two kids..."
"Ha, that's a bad guess", the man replies, "I'm father of three."
The fortune teller smiles: "yes, that's what YOU believe."
My first job was as a fortune teller.
I had to quit due to unforeseen circumstances.
A man goes to a fortune teller
The fortune teller: " I foresee 8 years of bad luck "
Guy: " Ouuuf! and after that? things get better? "
The fortune teller: " No, you just get used to it "
A woman goes to a fortune teller
A woman goes to a fortune teller to have her fortune read. The old fortune teller looks through her crystal ball and then gasps with horror. She says "By the next full moon your husband shall be dead!"
The woman looking disappointed says "I already know that part. Tell me if I'll get convicted or not."
The Notorious B.I.G. once hosted a house party featuring a giant fortune teller
It was a large medium at Small's.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A midget fortune teller who kills his customers
is a small medium at large
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a fugitive midget fortune teller
A small medium at large
Went to a fortune teller last week. She said I was going to come into some money soon.
Last night I shagged a girl from the bar named Penny.
I punched a fortune teller for smiling at me...
I always like to strike a happy medium.
I recently began selling faulty jetpacks to fortune tellers.
Prophets are flying through the roof.
The local fortune teller in my town closed her business.
I guess she didn't see a future in it.
A friend of mine
started a business selling trampolines to fortune-tellers.
He says prophets are going through the roof!