Fortune Jokes
173 fortune jokes and hilarious fortune puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about fortune that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Do you believe in fate? Read our article and get a laugh out of playing with good luck and bad fortune. Learn about fortune cookie predictions, the wheel of fortune, Ms. Fortune, and all the mischief related to fortune telling. Discover some of the funniest jokes related to fate and misfortune.
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Funniest Fortune Short Jokes
Short fortune jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The fortune humour may include short luck jokes also.
- Give a Man a Fish and You Will Feed Him for a Day. Teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on gear he will only use twice a year.
- A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak. So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.
- I almost lost my job as a DJ at a country music station I accidentally played the same three songs for five hours. Fortunately, our listeners didn't seem to notice.
- How do you make a small fortune from investing in Bitcoin? Start off by investing a large fortune in Bitcoin.
- They say you should test your fire alarm once a month... But it's costing me a fortune in houses!
- Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he felt crumby. - my 4 y.o. daughter
- I'm making a fortune promoting home security systems The pitch is easy. All I do is say "Good morning". At 3am whilst sitting on the end of their bed.
- My dad bought himself a new hearing aid. "It's state of the art," he boasted. "Cost me a fortune."
"Awesome," I replied. "What kind is it?"
"Two-thirty." - A kid threw a chunk of cheddar at me today I didn't think that was very mature.
Fortunately, it wasn't sharp. - I just opened up a fortune cookie and there wasn't a fortune inside. I thought to myself, that's unfortunate. -True story
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Fortune One Liners
Which fortune one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with fortune? I can suggest the ones about wealth and success.
- My grief counselor suddenly died. Fortunately he was excellent so I don't care.
- How do fortune teller greet each other? You're good, how am I?
- 99.9% of people are idiots. Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people
- Someone keyed the music teacher's car Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor
- I know how to make a small fortune from gambling start with a large fortune
- My parents tried to surprise me with a car this Christmas... Fortunately they missed.
- What size clothes do fortune tellers wear? Medium.
- I logged on to Reddit today and was promised Fame, Fortune, and Women The cake was a lie.
- What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A large fortune
- Fortune cookie: "Every exit can be an entry" Long story short:
My girlfriens said no... - An evil baked potato hatched a devious scheme Fortunately, it was foiled.
- How do you win a small fortune in Las Vegas? By spending a large fortune.
- Refusing dessert after eating Chinese food... Will cost you a fortune.
- Why did the phosphorus atom go to the fortune teller? To find out his phos-fate!
- I was attacked by a flock of sheep earlier... Fortunately, I was only grazed.
Fortune Teller Jokes
Here is a list of funny fortune teller jokes and even better fortune teller puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- All of the fortune tellers I've met are either really depressing or overly enhusiastic. Why can't I find a happy medium?
- Did you hear about the midget fortune teller that's on a killing spree? They're saying he's a small medium at large.
- A fortune teller warned me that I'll lose $2000 today Then she charged me $2000 for fortune telling
- My fortune teller is such a fraud, said my dad would live a long life but he died at 51 I wish my dad could live longer like our chef who completed 73 years yesterday.
- A cannibal brings a fortune teller home to his wife. He says, "Remember not to overcook this one. I like a medium rare."
- I got some bad news from a fortune teller today. "Six dollars," she said, "and please, it's bank teller."
- Two fortune tellers meet each other. One of them says:
"Hello! Your day was fine. How about mine?" - My great grandad used to make fabric booths for clairvoyants and fortune tellers.. He was a con-tent creator.
- A fortune teller told me that someone is going to post this again tomorrow So I proved her wrong and posted it today lol sorry man I ruined your joke
- So I went to a fortune teller and asked if I was going to get any action that night. She told me she didn't deal in self fulfilling prophecies.
Fortune Cookie Jokes
Here is a list of funny fortune cookie jokes and even better fortune cookie puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If your friend wants to learn to drive.. ..don't stand in the way.
Brought to you by my fortune cookie 🥠 - What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.
The real joke is that this is what my fortune cookie said. - I still remember my first fortune cookie... ...and how much it tasted like paper.
- After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, Be quiet for a little while.
His read, Talk while you have a chance. - My friend eats his fortune cookies with the fortune still inside. I think he chews wisely
- I once received a fortune cookie of which the fortune was immediately fulfilled... "You will have a weak dessert"
- What did everyone say about Nathan when he got fired from the fortune cookie factory? That's unfortunate.
- The other day I got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it, you know what I call that? I call that unfortunate.
- My fortune cookie said my dreams would become reality Great...
So, I'll be in my underwear at school, late for a class I can't find, and my teeth will fall out.
Thanks, fortune cookie. - My Future I have a lot more trust and faith in my guidance counselor's advice after getting an empty fortune cookie at a chinese restaurant.
Wheel Of Fortune Jokes
Here is a list of funny wheel of fortune jokes and even better wheel of fortune puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Finally Wheel of Fortune is modernizing to reach more millennials with new rules. Instead of buying a vowel they have to rent it.
- Wheel of Fortune Me: I'd like to buy a vowel
Pat: Aren't you a millennial?
Me: *sigh* I'd like to rent a vowel - Did you hear about the millennial on Wheel of Fortune? He tried to rent a vowel.
- You know times are tough when you see a millenial playing Wheel Of Fortune And they have to rent an 'A'.
- Why didn't the birdwatcher have to buy a vowel when he was on the Wheel of Fortune? Because he had a sparrow.
- Coach Krzyzewski thinks he's playing wheel of fortune... "I'd like to buy a foul"
- Why don't Canadians do well on Wheel of Fortune? Because the host gets confused when they say "I'd to buy a vowel eh."
- Why did Vana White run off the stage of Wheel of Fortune? She had a bowel movement during her vowel movement.
- Wheel of Fortune is just like hangman With a twist
- Chuck Norris once starred in Wheel of Fortune.
The last twenty nine minutes were spent in an awkward silence, waiting for the wheel to stop spinning.
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Fortune Jokes
What funny jokes about fortune you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean profit jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make fortune pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson have in common?
They both spent a fortune making their noses more white.
A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller.
"You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says. "That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man. "That's what you think," says the fortune teller.
would you still love me?
Husband asks his young wife, "Would you still love me if I hadn't inherited my Father's fortune?". She smiles sweetly and says, "Honey, I would have loved you no matter whose fortune you inherited".
penny scales
A woman stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and put in a coin.
"Listen to this," she said to her husband, showing him a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," her husband nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
If you had to choose between world peace and Bill Gates' fortune...
What color would your Lamborghini be?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two guys were drinking and having a conversation in a bar
During the conversation o**... says to the other
"I blew a t**... over the weekend. It leaked everywhere and it cost me a small fortune".
Upon hearing this, his friend says. "When did they say you can pick up your car?".
Confused, the first guy said "Car? What car?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes to a fortune teller...
..., where she, in horrified voice, tells him that he'll make the world miserable in the near future. The man, down as f**k, starts walking home, where he sees a small boy standing on the edge of a bridge. He quickly runs to him and saves him from s**.... Happy that he did something good for humanity asks the boy what's his name. Adolf h**..., the boy replies.
A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out.
A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.
"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he told me last week that he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought up my boy in the faith, put him though university, cost me a fortune, then one day he came to me and told me he has decided to become a Chrsitian."
"What did you do?" Asked the lawyer.
"I turned to God for the answer," replied the Rabbi.
"And what did he say?"
He said, "Funny you should come to me..."
Why do LEGO men hate going to hospital...?
Because plastic surgery costs a fortune!
Got any funny fortune cookie idea's?
I own a restaurant and I have extremely funny fortune cookies, but I'm running out of fortune ideas! Help me! I need some raunchy, dirty and insulting fortunes! Show me what you got and you could see them in a fortune cookie one day!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At the fortune teller
h**... went to see a fortune teller. After he had sat down in the darkened room, the fortune teller said, I will read your palm for fifty dollars, and that entitles you to ask three questions.
Questions about what? asked h**....
About anything, replied the psychic.
But is not fifty dollars an awful lot to charge for that? complained h**....
Maybe, said the palmist, and what is your last question?
Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer?
All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
I'm pretty sure this is the joke that will yield me my fortune.
I recently saw a psychic, a mystic, a palm reader, and a fortune teller all laughing together at something I couldn't understand.
Must have been an insight joke...
What do you call a 7' 2" fortune teller in his underpants?
A large medium in smalls.
I went to a blind fortune teller the other day
She looked into her crystal ball, and she told me there is eternal darkness in my future.
I know the secret to leaving a casino with a small fortune
Walk in with a big fortune.
Happy new year
A depressed frog goes to visit a fortune teller
Hoping for good news he goes to meet with a fortune teller.
The fortune teller closes her eyes, makes some strange sounds, and finally says, "You will meet a beautiful young girl that will want to know everything about you"
The frog gets excited and says, "Wow! When will I meet her? At a party?"
"No," replied the fortune teller, "in her biology class."
Newspaper ad - RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
I went to a psychic today. Ended up accidentally breaking her crystal ball.
It cost me a fortune.
I'm the hier to the Tampax fortune
Soon I'll have more blood money than African warlords.
I should have been a psychic
I hear they make a fortune.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"All your dreams will come true", said my fortune cookie
And the next day I realized, I went to work n**... and couldn't run when I got chased by that monster
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
TIL that the term "A s**... of luck" has more than one meaning-
-when my fortune teller gave me a h**....
A fortune teller walks up to a boy on the street.
Hey, I have a joke for you, she says.
The boy shrugs. Ok.
The fortune teller smiles.
Cancer, she says.
Cancer? the boy asks. He frowns. If that's your joke, I don't get it.
Don't worry, the fortune teller says, and starts to walk away, You will when you're older.
Did you hear about the fortune teller that cheated at cards?
I guess that's how the tarotists win.
Why did the communist grab the fortune teller?
He wanted to seize the means of prediction.
What do you call Chewbacca's Chinese cousin?
A Fortune Wookie
2 fortune tellers are talking about the weather.
The first one says it's going to be a hot winter. The second one replies "Yes, reminds me of the summer of 2093."
A man pushes a car to a hotel and suddenly loses all his fortune....
He stopped at the enemy's hotel in Monopoly.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a fortune teller and a farmer with r**... bunnies
One deals with tarot cards while the other deals with carrot tards.
My teacher once told me that success never comes before work...
I'll definitely pay him a visit after I make a fortune selling dictionaries.
A penguin falls asleep on an iceberg,...
When he wakes up, he finds himself encased in ice, floating in the middle of the ocean. To his fortune, he spots the horn of a narwhal close by. Thanking his lucky stars, he calls out to him. The narwhal comes and the penguin asks "Thank goodness you're around, Mr. Narwhal. Could you break the ice?". The narwhal stares at him for a bit.
"Ok, so what are your hobbies?"
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
Going to a singles bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man" he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.
Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks "When am I going to die?"
The fortune teller replies: "you will die on a major Mexican holiday."
Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"
The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"
If fortune favors the bold..
How come I was arrested for streaking?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just spent £500 on a fortune teller, and all she told me was that she had a vision of me m**....
I think she saw me coming.
I went to a fortune teller and they said in 30 minutes I would get dirt on my leg...
I guess it's just dusty knee
A short fortune teller committed a crime, and the police put almost no effort into catching her
Headlines the next day read: Small medium largely ignored.
I got my fortune told by someone using herbs. I'm not sure if any of the predictions were accurate.
Only thyme will tell.
A man decided to visit a fortune teller...
After looking into his hand and into the crystal ball, the fortune teller says in a dramatic tone:
You sir, will be responsible for the death of millions
Shocked and taken aback, the man goes back to his home. Along the way, he passes near a river and sees a small boy drowning helplessly.
Well, if millions of people are going to die because of me, I might at least save one life.
He jumps into the river and pulls the boy out. The shocked mother comes in tears and says:
Oh my dear god, thank you so much Mr., you are a saint. Adolf, you should thank this gentleman yourself.
How do you make a small fortune after earning a degree in political science?
Start with a large fortune and know when to stop.
There's a VERY easy way to leave every casino with a small fortune.
Go there with a large one.
I thought my dating site for chickens would make me a fortune
But I'm struggling to make hens meet
A woman goes to the fortune teller.
A woman goes to the fortune teller, who tells her, "Two men want to marry me. Who will be the lucky one?" The fortune teller answers, "You will marry Robert, David will be the lucky one."
My baby is costing a fortune in import costs.
It only drinks milk that comes from a broad.
Just received an email from a wealthy Nigerian Prince.
He told me that he doesn't have any fortune to share with me at the moment but he would appreciate if I could let him know before May 25th if I wish to continue receiving emails.
When i was little, i had an obsession with Posh Spice.
Which cost my mom a fortune in saffron.
A man goes to meet a fortune teller
As he sits down she starts: "So I see, you're a father of two kids..."
"Ha, that's a bad guess", the man replies, "I'm father of three."
The fortune teller smiles: "yes, that's what YOU believe."
A man goes to a fortune teller
The fortune teller: " I foresee 8 years of bad luck "
Guy: " Ouuuf! and after that? things get better? "
The fortune teller: " No, you just get used to it "
A woman goes to a fortune teller
A woman goes to a fortune teller to have her fortune read. The old fortune teller looks through her crystal ball and then gasps with horror. She says "By the next full moon your husband shall be dead!"
The woman looking disappointed says "I already know that part. Tell me if I'll get convicted or not."
I had a friend once who made a fortune selling vacuums door to door.
He really cleaned up!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A midget fortune teller who kills his customers
is a small medium at large
I saved a fortune by not vaccinating my child.
Which was fortunate, because kids funerals don't come cheap.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend's wife caught him getting a hand-job from a psychic.
It was really a s**... of Miss Fortune.
A man goes to a fortune teller to see his future.
The fortune teller says: "Oh, I see that on Friday, your wife will die."
"I already know that," replies the man, "what I need to know is whether I will be arrested..."
I spent a fortune on these stripper trousers.
They're a total rip off.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why can't fortune tellers have children
They have glass b**...
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers and runs...
Is a small medium at large!!
Germanys funniest joke according to research
A man comes to the fortune teller and sits in front of the crystal ball. "I see you have two children," says the fortune teller.
"YOU believe that!" He replies. "I am a father of three."
The fortune teller smiles and answers: "YOU believe that!"
My fortune cookie said that something positive would happen to me this week and it finally happened!!!
Guys do you know what this coronavirus thing is?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
He was right
I was walking down the street and a man offered to read me my fortune for $5. I agreed out of curiosity. He takes hold of my hand and then said you're gonna be p**... and took off running.
