Fortunately Jokes
93 fortunately jokes and hilarious fortunately puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about fortunately that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Fortunately Short Jokes
Short fortunately jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The fortunately humour may include short luckily jokes also.
- Give a Man a Fish and You Will Feed Him for a Day. Teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on gear he will only use twice a year.
- A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak. So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.
- I almost lost my job as a DJ at a country music station I accidentally played the same three songs for five hours. Fortunately, our listeners didn't seem to notice.
- How do you make a small fortune from investing in Bitcoin? Start off by investing a large fortune in Bitcoin.
- They say you should test your fire alarm once a month... But it's costing me a fortune in houses!
- Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he felt crumby. - my 4 y.o. daughter
- I'm making a fortune promoting home security systems The pitch is easy. All I do is say "Good morning". At 3am whilst sitting on the end of their bed.
- My dad bought himself a new hearing aid. "It's state of the art," he boasted. "Cost me a fortune."
"Awesome," I replied. "What kind is it?"
"Two-thirty." - A kid threw a chunk of cheddar at me today I didn't think that was very mature.
Fortunately, it wasn't sharp. - I just opened up a fortune cookie and there wasn't a fortune inside. I thought to myself, that's unfortunate. -True story
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Fortunately One Liners
Which fortunately one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with fortunately? I can suggest the ones about thankfully and luck.
- My grief counselor suddenly died. Fortunately he was excellent so I don't care.
- How do fortune teller greet each other? You're good, how am I?
- 99.9% of people are idiots. Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people
- Someone keyed the music teacher's car Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor
- I know how to make a small fortune from gambling start with a large fortune
- My parents tried to surprise me with a car this Christmas... Fortunately they missed.
- What size clothes do fortune tellers wear? Medium.
- I logged on to Reddit today and was promised Fame, Fortune, and Women The cake was a lie.
- What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A large fortune
- Fortune cookie: "Every exit can be an entry" Long story short:
My girlfriens said no... - An evil baked potato hatched a devious scheme Fortunately, it was foiled.
- How do you win a small fortune in Las Vegas? By spending a large fortune.
- Refusing dessert after eating Chinese food... Will cost you a fortune.
- Why did the phosphorus atom go to the fortune teller? To find out his phos-fate!
- I was attacked by a flock of sheep earlier... Fortunately, I was only grazed.
Laughter Fortunately Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What funny jokes about fortunately you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean fortune jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make fortunately pranks.
No problems
A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence ... He had no trouble with discipline that year.
A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller.
"You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says. "That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man. "That's what you think," says the fortune teller.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There's a plane crashing down...
On the plane are The President of the United States, The British Prime Minister, the smartest man in the world, a priest and a boy scout. The pilot announces over the intercom: "People, we regret to inform you that we are going to c**.... Fortunately, there are 6 parachutes available."
Before anyone can respond, the pilot and copilot dash out of the cabin, each grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. The 5 passengers look at each other, realize there's only 4 parachutes left, then make a mad dash for them. A giant fight ensues as everyone struggles to grab a parachute.
The President snags one and declares, "I *must* live! I'm the President of the United States!" before jumping out of the plane.
The Prime Minister grabs a c**... and yells, "*I* must live! I'm the Prime Minister!"
The Smartest Man in the World and the boy scout get into a tussle, ending with the Smartest Man in the World shoving the boy scout to the floor. Hugging the parachute to his chest he yells, "I'm the Smartest Man in the World! It is imperative that I survive!" and leaps out the door.
The priest helps the boy scout to his feet. "You go ahead, son," he says, "Take the last parachute. I've made my peace."
"We can each have one, father," The boy scout says, shaking his head, "The Smartest Man in the World took my backpack."
penny scales
A woman stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and put in a coin.
"Listen to this," she said to her husband, showing him a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," her husband nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
If you had to choose between world peace and Bill Gates' fortune...
What color would your Lamborghini be?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two guys were drinking and having a conversation in a bar
During the conversation o**... says to the other
"I blew a t**... over the weekend. It leaked everywhere and it cost me a small fortune".
Upon hearing this, his friend says. "When did they say you can pick up your car?".
Confused, the first guy said "Car? What car?"
Breaking news, as Kim Jong-Un's nuclear missiles have reached the USA!
Fortunately, the stamps were recognised and they were sent back
A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out.
A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.
"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he told me last week that he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought up my boy in the faith, put him though university, cost me a fortune, then one day he came to me and told me he has decided to become a Chrsitian."
"What did you do?" Asked the lawyer.
"I turned to God for the answer," replied the Rabbi.
"And what did he say?"
He said, "Funny you should come to me..."
The secret to wealth
A young man once asked a rich older man how he made all his money.
The dapper old fellow smoothed his tailored jacket and said, "Well young man, it was 1932, in the depths of the Great Depression. I was down to the last penny I had."
"I took that penny and I went and bought an apple. I spent the whole day shining that apple until it gleamed like the sun, then I took that apple to the market and sold it for two cents."
"The next day I took those two cents and bought two apples. I shined those apples all day and night until they were perfect, then I sold them at the market for four cents the next day. I worked at it like this for a month, sometimes selling, sometimes not, and at the end of the month I'd amassed myself a fortune. Nearly eight whole dollars. I'd never been so proud of myself in my life."
"Then my wife's father died and left us 2 million bucks."
Newlyweds
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
Women Think Differently
Husband's Text Message by cell phone:
"Honey, got hit by car when I was out of office. Paula brought me to Hospital. They're doing tests and X-rays now. Blow to my head very strong, fortunately it didn't cause serious injury, but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in left leg, and they may have to amputate right foot.
Wife's Text Response by Cell Phone:
"Who's Paula?"
Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer?
All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
I'm pretty sure this is the joke that will yield me my fortune.
How to get rich
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
I know the secret to leaving a casino with a small fortune
Walk in with a big fortune.
Happy new year
A depressed frog goes to visit a fortune teller
Hoping for good news he goes to meet with a fortune teller.
The fortune teller closes her eyes, makes some strange sounds, and finally says, "You will meet a beautiful young girl that will want to know everything about you"
The frog gets excited and says, "Wow! When will I meet her? At a party?"
"No," replied the fortune teller, "in her biology class."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In a survival situation, you can drink your own u**......
Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came on just as I was filling the can
All of the fortune tellers I've met are either really depressing or overly enhusiastic.
Why can't I find a happy medium?
Newspaper ad - RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a girl and a boy. Fortunately, your brother was there to name them for you.
Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Well, that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy?
Doctor: Denephew.
During a weekly game at the home for the aged, the bingo caller began choking and then collapsed.
He was rushed to emergency, and went immediately into surgery.
It appeared that 40 years of calling bingo games in smoky halls had finally caught-up with him.
The surgeon successfully removed a mass that was blocking his windpipe.
After waking from the surgery, the caller asked the surgeon if the mass was malignant.
The surgeon replied, "Fortunately, no. It was B9."
A fortune teller warned me that I'll lose $2000 today
Then she charged me $2000 for fortune telling
A penguin falls asleep on an iceberg,...
When he wakes up, he finds himself encased in ice, floating in the middle of the ocean. To his fortune, he spots the horn of a narwhal close by. Thanking his lucky stars, he calls out to him. The narwhal comes and the penguin asks "Thank goodness you're around, Mr. Narwhal. Could you break the ice?". The narwhal stares at him for a bit.
"Ok, so what are your hobbies?"
Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks "When am I going to die?"
The fortune teller replies: "you will die on a major Mexican holiday."
Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"
The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just spent £500 on a fortune teller, and all she told me was that she had a vision of me m**....
I think she saw me coming.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A t**... had two cases at home...
he stuffed one of them with explosives and headed to the metro. Once inside a wagon he waited until the doors were closed and shouted "Infidels!! now you will die!". Fortunately, that was not the case.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Jew says...
A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner.
Catholic: I have a large fortune… I am going to buy Citibank!
Protestant: I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!
Muslim: I am a fabulously rich prince… I intend to purchase Microsoft!
They all wait for the Jew to speak…
The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee,
looks at them and casually says: I'm not selling!!
Husband says'' Honey, it's me. I don't want to alarm you but
. . . I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They've checked me over and dome some tests and x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately, it didn't cause any serious internal injury. However, I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they might have to amputate my right foot.''
Wife : ''Who's Paula?''
A man decided to visit a fortune teller...
After looking into his hand and into the crystal ball, the fortune teller says in a dramatic tone:
You sir, will be responsible for the death of millions
Shocked and taken aback, the man goes back to his home. Along the way, he passes near a river and sees a small boy drowning helplessly.
Well, if millions of people are going to die because of me, I might at least save one life.
He jumps into the river and pulls the boy out. The shocked mother comes in tears and says:
Oh my dear god, thank you so much Mr., you are a saint. Adolf, you should thank this gentleman yourself.
There's a VERY easy way to leave every casino with a small fortune.
Go there with a large one.
Did you hear about the midget fortune teller that's on a killing spree?
They're saying he's a small medium at large.
A woman goes to the fortune teller.
A woman goes to the fortune teller, who tells her, "Two men want to marry me. Who will be the lucky one?" The fortune teller answers, "You will marry Robert, David will be the lucky one."
A woman goes to a fortune teller
A woman goes to a fortune teller to have her fortune read. The old fortune teller looks through her crystal ball and then gasps with horror. She says "By the next full moon your husband shall be dead!"
The woman looking disappointed says "I already know that part. Tell me if I'll get convicted or not."
A rich couple lost all their money and was trying to think of ways to restore their fortunes.
The husband says to the wife if you learn to cook, we could get rid of the housekeeper
She laughed and replied if you learned to please me in bed, we could get rid of the gardener
I saved a fortune by not vaccinating my child.
Which was fortunate, because kids funerals don't come cheap.
A man goes to a fortune teller to see his future.
The fortune teller says: "Oh, I see that on Friday, your wife will die."
"I already know that," replies the man, "what I need to know is whether I will be arrested..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why can't fortune tellers have children
They have glass b**...
My fortune teller is such a fraud, said my dad would live a long life but he died at 51
I wish my dad could live longer like our chef who completed 73 years yesterday.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
He was right
I was walking down the street and a man offered to read me my fortune for $5. I agreed out of curiosity. He takes hold of my hand and then said you're gonna be p**... and took off running.
Finally Wheel of Fortune is modernizing to reach more millennials with new rules.
Instead of buying a vowel they have to rent it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
99.9% of the population is dumb.
Fortunately I belong to the 1% of smart people.
I have a perfect gambling strategy that will allow you to walk out of any casino with a small fortune. It works every time
All you have to do is walk into the casino with a large fortune.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does Michael Jordan and Melania Trump have in common?
The both made a fortune playing with orange b**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas.
Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've f**... at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!" The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week." The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the h**... you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens." The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
I told my wife I found another girl just to see her reaction
On the first day, I saw nothing, the same thing for the second and third day... Fortunately, I started seeing a little bit with my left eye on the fourth day.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A fortune teller once told h**... he would die on a Jewish festival.
"How do you know" asked h**....
The fortune teller replied "Any day you die will be a Jewish festival."
Trump comes to the fortune teller
Trump comes to the fortune teller and asks how she sees his future.
She looks into the crystal ball and says:
You are travelling down the Constitution Ave. On both sides are cheering and happy crowds with flags and flowers...Go on, tell me more! Jumps Trump.
Everyone is happy, people are hugging each other, continues the fortune teller.
And they shake my hands? Trump interrupts again.
No, the coffin is closed.
I'm a 21-year-old multimillionaire. Here's how I did it.
1. I get up at 5:00 AM every day
2. I run for an hour before breakfast
3. Afterward, I take a cold shower to wake me up.
4. Journaling is key. You never know when you might need to remember something.
5. Always write down an appointment as soon as you get it.
6. My dad owns a Fortune 500 company.
7. I meditate every day
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is digging in his garden…
When out of nowhere he finds very old coins that are worth a fortune. He gets so excited he runs into his house to tell the p**... he hired and then he remembered why he was digging in the first place.
Missfortune
When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man" he said as he walked up to her "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Putin asks a fortune teller when he will die...
Putin starts reading all the stuff on the Internet about how he has cancer, is going to be assassinated or overthrown. He goes to a fortune teller and pays her 1,000 rubles to tell his fortune.
She looks in her crystal ball. He says "tell me what you see." She says "I see parades. People dancing. They are wearing historic Ukrainian peasant outfits. There are floats and bands. You die on a Ukrainian holiday.
"Yes, but when" Putin says. "Which holiday?"
She says (of course) "Any day you die will be a Ukrainian national holiday."
News just in of a honeymooner killed in a shark attack off the Perth Coast. The man had been married very recently. A police spokesman said
Fortunately the man did not suffer too much as he had only been married 5 days
If someone makes their fortune in ships, we call them a shipping magnate and if someone makes their fortune in oil, we call them an oil magnate. So what do you call someone who makes their fortune...
...selling fridges?
Vladimir Putin consulted with a fortune teller. He asked:
"How long will I live?"
The psychic replied:
"I cannot tell that but I do know you will die on a Ukrainian holiday."
"Which holiday?" Putin asked.
"Whichever day you die will be a Ukrainian holiday."
Kanye went to a fortune teller to see what was in his future
The fortune teller told him that he will die on a Jewish holiday. Kanye asked how she could be so sure. "Any day" she replied "you die will be a Jewish holiday"
Earlier today, I knocked on the door of a fortune teller...
She asked, "Who's there?"
So I left.
A cannibal brings a fortune teller home to his wife.
He says, "Remember not to overcook this one. I like a medium rare."
My great grandad used to make fabric booths for clairvoyants and fortune tellers..
He was a con-tent creator.
Daniel Craig has narrowly avoided death after falling into an industrial mixer whilst on a Martini factory tour. Fortunately the machine wasn't switched on.
He is reportedly shaken
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I saw a fortune teller laughing so I punched her in the face..
You have to strike a happy medium..
