Forgive Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

A man accidentally elbows a woman's boob

as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says "if your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."

To which the woman replied "if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."

Stranger guy with a sexy women in a hotel lobby.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room no 99.

A visitor to Harvard asks a professor...

A visitor to Harvard asks a professor, "Excuse me, but would you be good enough to tell me where the Harvard Library is at?"

"Sir," came the sneering reply, "at Harvard we do not end a sentence with a preposition."

"Well, in that case, forgive me," said the visitor. "Permit me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the Harvard Library is at, jackass?"

Irishman in confession

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."

A man went to confession.

"Forgive me, father", he cried. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic."

"Well, that is not a sin?" Said the priest

"No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent."

"That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven."

"Thank you, father. But could I ask you another question?"

"Of course, my son."

"Do you think that I should tell him that the war is over?"

Bumping into People

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

So I was walking downstairs from my apartment and my elbow hit the chest of a girl whom I had never seen.

"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your chest then you will forgive me", I said to her.

"If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I live on the 4th floor", she replied.

Girls are so amazing.

They can forgive you. Even if you're innocent.

A woman was standing in a crowded lift

A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."

Two nuns are pulled into the forest [NSFW]

In the forest, two guys start fucking them.

One of the nuns prays to God:

"Please forgive this man, as he doesn't know what he's doing."

The other nun says, happily:

"Oohhhh, but this one does."

A man walked into a woman.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

I let my brother name my twins.

He did fine with my daughter, Denise. But my son may never forgive him for naming him Denephew.

I'm in room 1221."

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

I told my parents that I lost my virginity.

Which they didn't take well, considering they're Catholics.

They sat me down and said, "You must beg to God for forgiveness."

So I got down on my knees and said, "God, I've done enough kneeling today, please forgive me!"

Two nuns are walking down a dark alley one night.

Two men suddenly jump out of the shadows and start to rape them. The first nun looks up toward heaven and says, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they are doing."

The second nun looks up and says,
"This one does!"

What did the nervous spider say to the audience?

"Forgive me guys, but I've got butterflies in my stomach."

Thrusting

A man is waiting at the reception of a hotel. As he was just about to ask a question he accidentally thrust his elbow between the bosom of a woman standing behind him. He turns around and says 'Miss, if your heart is as soft as your breasts you will probably forgive me', to which the woman responds: 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow my room number is 428'.

I walked in with a bunch of flowers today and my wife asked suspiciously, "Ok, what have you done now?" "I slept with your sister." I replied. "What!? And you think a bunch of flowers are going to make me forgive you?!" she screamed.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" I replied. "They're for your sister."

A doctor goes to confession...

"Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest replies, "Tell me your sins my child."

The doctor says, "I slept with five of my patients. I know it was wrong, not mention unethical. Since it happened, I've barely been able to sleep and I have no appetite. I feel so guilty."

The priest consoles him saying, "You must learn to forgive yourself."

The man replies, "But how can I? How can I return from this sin?"

The priest says, "You're not the first doctor to sleep with a patient and you won't be last."

The man nods in consent while the priest absolves him. As they exit the confessional, the priest looks at the doctor and says, "I hate to ask, but seeing as you're a doctor, do you think that you could take a look at my throat, it's been sore for days."

The man replies, "I'd love to father, but I'm not that type of doctor. I'm a veterinarian."

Son of a bitch

A teenage girl goest to her priest to confess:

"Father forgive me for I have sinned".

"What did you do, my child?"

"I called Bert a son of a bitch"

"What? But why would you do that, my child?"

"Because he touched my thigh, my father"

"Ok, but see i'm touching your thigh and I am no son of a bitch, am I?"

"Of course not, father, but Bert, he groped my boobs"

"Alright, but here I am touching your boobs and I'm still not a son of a bitch, right?"

"Of course not, father, but Bert, he turned me around and he fucked me hard"

"Ok, but I've just turned around and I'm fucking you right now and it still doesn't make me a son of a bitch, does it?"

"It doesn't, father, but Bert ... he's got AIDS"

*pushing her away* "SON OF A BITCH!!"

An elderly wife is on her death bed and calls her husband...

An elderly wife is on her death bed and calls her husband to lean in, and whispers, "I'm sorry, forgive me..
in the chest in the attic is one million two hundred thousand dollars and five cents.. I earned it hooking, while you were busy working your entire life."

The husband is mad, but forgives her, and asks, "but which cheapskate gave you the nickel?"

She replies, "They all did."

Credit goes to u/umm_umm_

An old man goes to confession..

An old German man goes to confession one Sunday. He enters the confession, sits down and says "Forgive me Father for I have sinned, and I want to confess". The Priest says "Well my child, what are your sins?". The old man responds "During the war I hid a young Jewish woman from the Nazis in return for sexual favours". The Priest, while surprised, says "It was a difficult time, you risked your life to help this woman despite the immoral exchange". "I understand that father" the old man says "But, do you think I should tell her the war is over?".

Courtesy of my Dad!

A girl goes to a Church to confess.....

Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned."


Priest : "What have you done my child?"


Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch."


Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"


Girl : "Because he touched my hand."


Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)


Girl : "Yes father."


Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."


Girl : "Then he touched my breast."


Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)


Girl : "Yes father."


Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."


Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father."


Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)


Girl : "Yes father."


Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."


Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."


Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)


Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

(after a few minutes)


Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."


Girl : "But father, he had AIDS!"


Priest : "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

A man goes to church to make a confession...

A man goes to church to make a confession to the priest.

"Look. I have a confession to make. During the war, a young, gorgeous woman came to my door looking for somewhere to stay hidden. And I accepted, on the condition that she would repay me every day with sexual favors."

The priest says, "Don't worry, young fellow. You have sinned. You were young and lustful, and God will forgive you."

"Good," the man said. "But I have another question. Do you think I should tell her the war's over?"

A joke a Jewish speaker at my Catholic college told the student body in front of a bunch of nuns

So a man walks into confession and says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned". The priest says "What have you done, my son?"

"I'm 72 and just had sex with two 25 year olds" he claimed.

"Are you kidding?!" the priest said. "You can't do that. 100 Hail Mary's and run around the church 1000 times. By the way is this your first confession?"

"Yes I've never been to confession before. I'm Jewish."

"If you are Jewish why are you telling me this?" begged the priest.

"I'm telling everybody"

forgive me father for i have sinned...

... "go on" says the priest.
"I swore the other day" says the man.
"continue" says the priest.
"I was on the golf course the other day and i hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway".
"and this is when you swore?" asked the priest.
"No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man.
"this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed.
"No father, not yet. As i was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man.
"Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore"
"Nope not yet, as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole"
The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the fucking putt didn't you?"

Forgiving Your Enemies

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," she replied.
"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:
"I outlived the bitches."

An 85 year old man goes into a confessional...

An 85 year old man goes into a confessional. He said "Forgive me father but I have sinned".

The priest replied: "tell me your sins my son."

"I am committing adultery. I have a 25 year old girl friend. Every morning I tell my wife that I am going to have coffee with my friends, but instead I go to my girl friends house where she gives me a blow job and then we have sex for an hour."

The Priest said: "adultery is a grave sin. But Mr Cohn, you're Jewish. Why are you telling me?"

Mr. Cohn replied "hey, I'm telling everybody."

NSFW.. Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

A son is asked to lead the family in a Christmas prayer at dinner

BOY: But I don't know how to pray

DAD: Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.

BOY: "Dear Lord" he started "Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy's Blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom's room when daddy is at work.

Forgive Your Enemies

The preacher's Sunday sermon was 'Forgive Your Enemies.'

He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 % held up their hands.

He then repeated his question once more. All responded, except one elderly lady.

"Mrs. Johnson, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Johnson that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-three," she replied.

"Mrs. Johnson, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle and said, "I outlived every one of those bitches!"

93 and you have no enemy's?

A priest finishes his service, and at the end asks everyone to forgive their enemy's and when they have, put their hand up. So after a minute, about half the people's hands are in the air. "That's not good enough" the priest says and waits another while. Eventually, everyone's hands are up, except an elderly women. The priest asks her how old she is. "I am 93" she says. "You're 93 and have no enemy's, how did you manage that" the priest asks. "I outlived the bitches"

A man goes to confession

He says to the priest: "Forgive me father for I have committed adultery... I think."

"What do you mean you think? You're not sure if you've committed adultery?" Inquired the priest.

"Well father. I was with a woman and things were about to get nasty. I THOUGHT about putting it in but never actually put it in. And so I decided to leave."

"Of course that's adultery!" Replied the priest. "THINKING about putting it in is the SAME as putting it in. Now for penance I want you to pray 10 Our Fathers and leave $50 in the donation box."

So the man leaves the confessional and says his prayers. Then he approaches the donation box for a moment and begins to leave, but the priest runs over and stops him.

"My son! I saw that you prayed your penance but you haven't made your donation!"

The man replied, "Well Father, I thought real hard about putting it in!"

One day four nuns are called to the priests chambers...

One day four nuns are called to the priests chambers. The priest tells the nuns that since they have been good and have upheld the standards of the church, they can do whatever they want for 24 hours.

After 24 hours, the priest calls the nuns back in and asks what they did. The first nun says, ''I had sex with two men at one time.''

The priest says, ''Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.'' The second nun tells the priest, ''I robbed a bank for $25,000.''

The priest says, ''Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.''

The third nun tells the priest, ''I killed a woman that I have wanted dead all my life.''

The priest says, ''Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.''

The priest said to the fourth nun, ''Okay, what sin did you commit.''

The fourth nun says, ''I pissed in the holy water.'''

WAR BOARDER

A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess, so he goes to his priest.
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."'
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind. I have one more question."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.

Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

A man goes to confession...

Forgive me Father for I have sinned...

"Go on" says the priest.

"I swore the other day" says the man "I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway"

"And this is when you swore?" asked the priest.

"No Father, my ball the ricocheted off the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man.

"This must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed.

"No Father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" the man continued.

"Ahh I see" says the priest "This must have been the point where you swore"

"Nope not yet, as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from it's mouth and landed two feet from the hole"

The priest pauses for a few seconds "You missed the fucking putt didn't you?"

A man walks into a hotel...

A man walks into a hotel and heads for the elevator. He starts scratching his head, and out of nowhere a woman walks around the corner and his elbow hits her right in the boob. He says "I'm so sorry ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your boob I would hope you could forgive me." She looks at him and says, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 119."

A man in a small town goes to confessional...

and tells the local priest, "Father, forgive me, for I have slept with a loose woman."

The priest thinks for a moment and says, "Well, son, was it Mary?"

"No Father."

"Hmm," the priest continues, "was it Fiona?"

"No, no father," the man replies.

"And was it Anne?"

"No, father."

After a pause, the priest says, "Give me one our fathers and two hail marys, and all will be forgiven."

The man exits the confessional and slides in next to his friend on a pew.

"So," the friend asks, "what'd the father give you?"

"Well, I got one our fathers, two hail marys, and three good leads."


**source**: Prairie Home Companion

A 90 year old man walks into confession...

He says, "Forgive me Father, I've sinned. I slept with two beautiful, 20 year old women last night outside of wedlock."
The Father says, "Oh my Lord, when was the last time you made confession?"
He says, "I've never made confession before Father, I'm Jewish."
The Father says, "You're Jewish? Well what are you telling *me* for?"
He says, "Well, I'm telling *everybody*."

Two nuns are walking in a forest.

Two nuns are walking in a forest. All of a sudden two maniacs attack them and start sexually abusing them. One of the nuns says :

β€’ Oh god... please forgive them! they don't know what they are doing!

The other nun turns around and says :

β€’ Mine does!

When does money fall from the sky?

When there is a change in weather







Forgive me

A 50 year old man enters a confession box and kneels

Man: "Forgive me Father for I have sinned."

Priest: "Tell me your sins son. The Lord is generous and knows we all succumb to weakness from time to time."

Man: "I've been carrying on an affair for the last 6 months with a gorgeous 25-year-old blond women. She has a beautiful figure, voluptuous breasts and is perfect in every way except that she's married."

Priest: "Sleeping with another man's wife is a serious sin. How long has it been since your last confession?"

Man: "I've actually never been to confession before. In fact, I'm Jewish"

Preist: "Then why are you telling me these things?"

Man: "Telling you!?! I'm telling EVERYONE!"

A Jewish guy walks into a bar. The Chinese bartender asks him his name...

"I'm Max Goldberg", he says, "what's yours?"
"I'm Wei Zhang, it's nice to meet you."

Mr. Goldberg says, "I'll never forgive you people for bombing Pearl Harbor."
"I'm Chinese. That was the Japanese."
"Chinese, Japanese, all the same to me."

Mr. Zhang says, "I'll never forgive you people for sinking the Titanic."
"I'm Jewish, that was an iceberg."
"Goldberg, iceberg, all the same to me."

A bartender notices a hideous man at the bar surrounded by several hot women...

...the bartender said to him, "please don't get offended when I tell you this, but I couldn't help noticing you have several beautiful women hanging all over you, and, forgive me, but you are not exactly the most handsome person I've seen. In fact, you are quite ugly. Now normally, I would think that these ladies are attracted to you because of your money, but I can tell by the way you're dressed and the fact that they are buying YOU drinks, it's not the money. Tell me, sir what is it about you that attracts all these babes?"

The man paused a moment, licked his eyebrows, and said, " I haven't the faintest idea."

Catholic confesses having anal sex...

"Father forgive me, for I have sinned"
"What have you done my child?"
"I have had anal sex with a woman..."
"With whom?"
"I fear to speak her name, for I know not if she has confessed herself"
"Do not worry my child, all the women in this village go to confession, was it Mary?"
"No"
"Elizabeth?"
"No father"
"Jane?"
"Yes father, thank you"

The priest prescribed the usual penance and the young man left the church.
Outside two of his friends were waiting.

"Well?"
"We're inviting Mary, Elizabeth, and Jane."

Count Dracula walks into a bar...

and asks the bar man for a cup of boiling water. The bar man quickly returns with the water as requested, and puts it on the bar in front of Dracula. Curious, the bar man says to Dracula "Forgive me, but I thought you vampires only drank blood, what do you want the hot water for?" Dracula takes a used tampon from his cloak pocket. "For making tea, of course" replies Dracula.

A cop pulls over three elderly woman..

The cop says "M'am, do you realize you were going 15 mph in a 55?"

Old lady driver: " Ooo I must have been mistaken then, that sign over there says 15"

The cop laughs and says "M'am thats route 15; you're on route 15 right now"

Old lady driver: "I am so embarassed! Please forgive me"

The cop: "Well everything seems okay here, just make sure to keep it at the speed limit. I do have one question for you though. Your friend in the back seat seems to be a bit pale and anxious, is everything okay?"

Old lady driver: "Oh yeah she'll be fine....we just got off of route 115"

The man with no enemies.

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"Β  Almost everyone held up their hands, but some were hesitant.

So the minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.

"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he repliedΒ gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual.Β  How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. TheΒ 
congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"So, Mr. Barnes, would you pleaseΒ  come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down theΒ  aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced theΒ congregation, and said simply, I outlived all them assholes!"

4 nuns stand in line ready to confess their sins to the priest

The first one : " Father forgive me for i have sinned. I seen the male thing "

Priest : " Say 10 our fathers and wash your eyes in the holy water "

2nd nun : " Father forgive me for i have sinned. I have touched the male thing "

Priest : "Say 200 our fathers and wash your hands in the holy water "

the 3rd nun wants to enter bu the 4th one pushes her and enters before her...

Nun 4 : " Father! YOU are crazy if you think i will wash my mouth after She washes her ass in the holy water !"

Two nuns in the park...

Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.

Sister Elizabeth casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"

Sister Mary turns and moans, "Oh God, mine does!"

Holy Moly! - What's that smell!?

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all lived in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole stuck his head out of the hole, sniffed the air and said: "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole stuck her head out of the hole, sniffed the air and said "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tried to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but couldn't because of the bigger moles were in the way so he said: "Geez, all I can smell is..."

Are you sure you're ready?

You may never forgive me for this one...

*MOLASSES*

I'll never forgive the Nazis for how they treated my granddad in that concentration camp during the war.

Five years he was there on that machine gun tower, and never got a single promotion...

A rabbi asks a priest how confession works...

He tells him to come and he will show him.

The first man comes in and says "I cheated on my wife". The priest responds with "If you pay $100 God will forgive you".

The second man comes in and says "I cheated on my wife". The priest responds with "If you pay $100 God will forgive you".

The priest says "okay, now it's your turn."

A third man walks in and says "I cheated on my wife", to which to rabbi replies "Give me $400 and you can cheat on her 3 more times."

Two Guys, The Summer, And The Confessional

A young man goes to confession with his friend on the first day of summer. When he enters the confessional, he says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned... I have been with a woman of poor moral fiber."

Priest: "That's sad to hear young man... I must ask... was it Jenny Armstrong?"
Young Man: "I cannot say father."
Priest: "Was it Sarah Smith?"
Young Man: "I will not say, father."
Priest: "It must have been Michelle Geller."
Young Man: "Father, I will not say."
Priest: "I admire your conviction, but you must atone. Don't return to service for two weeks, or until you have said 4 Hail Mary's and 10 Our Fathers."

The young man leaves and sees his friend on the way out. "What did you get?' his friend asks. He replies, "two weeks of summer vacation and three good leads."

Probably one for British people

A man and his wife were on their honeymoon and about to do the deed. The wife stops the husband unexpectedly.

"Darling," she says. "I am afraid I have a dark secret to tell you, and I haven't been entirely honest with you."

"Sweetheart, no matter what you have done in the past I will forgive you."

"Well," she starts. "I used to be a hooker."

"My dearest," he replies. "That is no problem for me. To be honest I'm a little turned on. Tell me more."

"Ok then, my name was Brian and I played for Wigan."

The bus driver goes for a confession.

Bus driver: Forgive me father for I have sinned! I pretended to be Sister Martha so I could trick somebody into having anal intercourse with me...

Father: The lord forgives you my son, for your asshole which was much tighter than Sister Martha's!

**Guys, I'm trying for original content, please forgive me if not very funny! Also, my sense of humor is pretty disgusting ;)

An elderly German man visits his priest for confession...

An elderly man in Germany walks into a confessional box after feeling the urge that he needed to confess.

Man: Forgive me father, for I have sinned. During the great war I hid a Jewish refugee in my attic.

Priest: Well, that's not a sin my son, but rather a heroic act of great compassion and daring.

Man: But I made him agree to pay me 20 marks for each week he stayed.

Priest: I must admit, that wasn't a great decision, but I am sure you did it for a good cause.

Man: God bless you father, that puts my mind to rest, just one more question however...

Priest: Yes my son?

Man: Do I have to tell him the war is over?

Two nuns were out walking in the woods

When two thugs jumped out from behind a bush and started raping the nuns, the first nun started praying to God, asking him to forgive the men as they knew not what they were doing, the second nun turned to the first and told her, yours might not know what he is doing but mine sure does.

What are the funniest forgive jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Forgive? Well, here are the best Forgive puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Forgive pick up lines to share with friends.

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