The Best 59 Forgive Jokes

Following is our collection of funniest Forgive jokes. There are some forgive apologise jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these forgive pardon puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Forgive Jokes and Puns

A man went to confession.

"Forgive me, father", he cried. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic."

"Well, that is not a sin?" Said the priest

"No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent."

"That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven."

"Thank you, father. But could I ask you another question?"

"Of course, my son."

"Do you think that I should tell him that the war is over?"

Offering from the noticeboard of the Linga Longa pub, Gundy, new South Wales

Prayer for Beer:
Our Lager
Which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drink
Thy will be drunk
At home as it is in the pub
Give us this day out foamy head
And forgive us our spillages
As we forgive those who spill against us
And lead us not into incarceration
But deliver us from hangovers
For thine is the beer
The bitter, the lager
Barmen.

local parish

The head priest at a certain church was out for the day, so he asked the deacon to do confession for him. The deacon agrees, and the first person that comes says, "Forgive me, for I just gave a guy a blow job." He says, "You have sinned."

Then he looks at the sheet on the wall that had punishments for certain sins on it, but blow job was not on there, so he went out to ask one of the altar boys what he usually gives for a blow job. The altar boy answered, "Oh, about five dollars."

Forgive joke, local parish

A man says to a genie "Let me be abundantly clear..", so the genie turned him into ten glass panes.

(not part of the joke): Forgive me

A man goes to church to make a confession...

A man goes to church to make a confession to the priest.

"Look. I have a confession to make. During the war, a young, gorgeous woman came to my door looking for somewhere to stay hidden. And I accepted, on the condition that she would repay me every day with sexual favors."

The priest says, "Don't worry, young fellow. You have sinned. You were young and lustful, and God will forgive you."

"Good," the man said. "But I have another question. Do you think I should tell her the war's over?"


Irishman in confession

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."

A joke a Jewish speaker at my Catholic college told the student body in front of a bunch of nuns

So a man walks into confession and says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned". The priest says "What have you done, my son?"

"I'm 72 and just had sex with two 25 year olds" he claimed.

"Are you kidding?!" the priest said. "You can't do that. 100 Hail Mary's and run around the church 1000 times. By the way is this your first confession?"

"Yes I've never been to confession before. I'm Jewish."

"If you are Jewish why are you telling me this?" begged the priest.

"I'm telling everybody"

Forgive joke, A joke a Jewish speaker at my Catholic college told the student body in front of a bunch of nuns

A visitor to Harvard asks a professor...

A visitor to Harvard asks a professor, "Excuse me, but would you be good enough to tell me where the Harvard Library is at?"

"Sir," came the sneering reply, "at Harvard we do not end a sentence with a preposition."

"Well, in that case, forgive me," said the visitor. "Permit me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the Harvard Library is at, jackass?"

A doctor goes to confession...

"Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest replies, "Tell me your sins my child."

The doctor says, "I slept with five of my patients. I know it was wrong, not mention unethical. Since it happened, I've barely been able to sleep and I have no appetite. I feel so guilty."

The priest consoles him saying, "You must learn to forgive yourself."

The man replies, "But how can I? How can I return from this sin?"

The priest says, "You're not the first doctor to sleep with a patient and you won't be last."

The man nods in consent while the priest absolves him. As they exit the confessional, the priest looks at the doctor and says, "I hate to ask, but seeing as you're a doctor, do you think that you could take a look at my throat, it's been sore for days."

The man replies, "I'd love to father, but I'm not that type of doctor. I'm a veterinarian."

How did the Mexicans get across the border?

They went through Juan by Juan.

^Forgive ^me.

What did the triangle say to the preacher?

Forgive me father for I have sin().

You can explore forgive repent reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean forgive forgive me father dad jokes. There are also forgive puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.

Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

WAR BOARDER

A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess, so he goes to his priest.
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."'
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind. I have one more question."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

Two nuns are walking through a forest...

...when two men catch them and strip them naked before raping them.

One of the nuns starts praying: "God, please forgive them, as they don't know what they're doing!"

To which the other nun says: "This one does!"

I'll never forgive the Nazis for how they treated my granddad in that concentration camp during the war.

Five years he was there on that machine gun tower, and never got a single promotion...

A 90 year old man walks into confession...

He says, "Forgive me Father, I've sinned. I slept with two beautiful, 20 year old women last night outside of wedlock."
The Father says, "Oh my Lord, when was the last time you made confession?"
He says, "I've never made confession before Father, I'm Jewish."
The Father says, "You're Jewish? Well what are you telling *me* for?"
He says, "Well, I'm telling *everybody*."

Forgive joke, A 90 year old man walks into confession...

Count Dracula walks into a bar...

and asks the bar man for a cup of boiling water. The bar man quickly returns with the water as requested, and puts it on the bar in front of Dracula. Curious, the bar man says to Dracula "Forgive me, but I thought you vampires only drank blood, what do you want the hot water for?" Dracula takes a used tampon from his cloak pocket. "For making tea, of course" replies Dracula.

Two nuns were out walking in the woods

When two thugs jumped out from behind a bush and started raping the nuns, the first nun started praying to God, asking him to forgive the men as they knew not what they were doing, the second nun turned to the first and told her, yours might not know what he is doing but mine sure does.

An elderly wife is on her death bed and calls her husband...

An elderly wife is on her death bed and calls her husband to lean in, and whispers, "I'm sorry, forgive me..
in the chest in the attic is one million two hundred thousand dollars and five cents.. I earned it hooking, while you were busy working your entire life."

The husband is mad, but forgives her, and asks, "but which cheapskate gave you the nickel?"

She replies, "They all did."

Credit goes to u/umm_umm_


An old man goes to confession..

An old German man goes to confession one Sunday. He enters the confession, sits down and says "Forgive me Father for I have sinned, and I want to confess". The Priest says "Well my child, what are your sins?". The old man responds "During the war I hid a young Jewish woman from the Nazis in return for sexual favours". The Priest, while surprised, says "It was a difficult time, you risked your life to help this woman despite the immoral exchange". "I understand that father" the old man says "But, do you think I should tell her the war is over?".

Courtesy of my Dad!

Your clothes will never forgive you...

You always hang them out to dry.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned..."

The man professed quite a list of misgivings through the confessional screen.

"Son, have you prayed for forgiveness?"

"Yes, Father?"

"Do you renounce Satan?"

"Hey, that's my wife you're taking about!"

A Jewish guy walks into a bar. The Chinese bartender asks him his name...

"I'm Max Goldberg", he says, "what's yours?"
"I'm Wei Zhang, it's nice to meet you."

Mr. Goldberg says, "I'll never forgive you people for bombing Pearl Harbor."
"I'm Chinese. That was the Japanese."
"Chinese, Japanese, all the same to me."

Mr. Zhang says, "I'll never forgive you people for sinking the Titanic."
"I'm Jewish, that was an iceberg."
"Goldberg, iceberg, all the same to me."

Two nuns are walking in a forest.

Two nuns are walking in a forest. All of a sudden two maniacs attack them and start sexually abusing them. One of the nuns says :

• Oh god... please forgive them! they don't know what they are doing!

The other nun turns around and says :

• Mine does!

When does money fall from the sky?

When there is a change in weather

Forgive me

Two nuns are walking down an alley late at night...

When they get approached by 2 men who begin assaulting them. After minutes of the altercation, Sister Mary Sue screams, "Oh dear Lord! Forgive this man for he knows not what he is doing!" Sister Sarah looks up and says, "....Mine does".

Two nuns in the park...

Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.

Sister Elizabeth casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"

Sister Mary turns and moans, "Oh God, mine does!"

How do you insult a Catholic?

Any way you like, they have to forgive you!

I told my parents that I lost my virginity.

Which they didn't take well, considering they're Catholics.

They sat me down and said, "You must beg to God for forgiveness."

So I got down on my knees and said, "God, I've done enough kneeling today, please forgive me!"

What did the deer first say when he got to church?

Deer God, please forgive me of my sins.

How do you comb a bee's hair?

With a honeycomb!

I'm sorry I found this joke on a popsicle stick please forgive me.

What did the nervous spider say to the audience?

"Forgive me guys, but I've got butterflies in my stomach."

A priest and a man are sitting on a bench.

Man : forgive me father, for i have sinned.

Priest : What have you done my son?

M : Everytime it rains i rape someone. A month ago it was raining and i raped my aunt.

P : may god forgive you my son.

M : a week ago it was raining again and i raped my neighbour.

P : may god forgive you my son.

M : just yesterday i raped my daughter.

*The priest runs into the church and locks the door.*

M : father, what are you doing?

P : It's starting to rain.

I let my brother name my twins.

He did fine with my daughter, Denise. But my son may never forgive him for naming him Denephew.

What does a dinosaur say when he hurts himself?

Dino sore.

Please forgive me for the dad joke.

Girls are so amazing.

They can forgive you. Even if you're innocent.

I've never forgiven the Nazis for what they did to my grandfather.

12 hours a day he sat in that machine gun nest and no-one even brought him a cup of tea...

What did the soldier say to his blanket?

"Cover me!"

Forgive me pls

Two nuns are walking down a dark alley one night.

Two men suddenly jump out of the shadows and start to rape them. The first nun looks up toward heaven and says, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they are doing."

The second nun looks up and says,
"This one does!"

Father, forgive me, for it has been a long time since I've been to confession,

A man went into a confessional booth and
discovered a fully equipped bar with beer on
tap and a wall stocked with a dazzling array
of the finest Cuban cigars. When the priest
walked into the room the man said, Father,
forgive me, for it has been a long time since
I've been to confession, but I must say the
confessional box is much more inviting than
I remember.
Get out, the priest ordered. You're on
my side.

World War 2

Man: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done?"
Man: I harbored Jewish people in my basement to keep them safe from the Germans."
Priest: "That's not a sin. That's a good deed."
Man: "But I have been charging them one dollar a night until the war is over."
Priest: "That's perfectly okay."
Man: "I haven't told them the war is over."

When you turn pi/2 in 1

Forgive me God for I have sinned.

Two synonymous sentences could have absolutely different meanings.

1. Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
2.Sorry daddy, I've been naughty.

Two nuns walking down the road

Two nuns walking down the road and 2 guys suddenly jump infront of them and start raping them thhe first nun is completly shocked so she prays and say: "forgive them god they don't know what are they doing" seconds after the other says: "Oh this one does".

I was working at a coffee shop, and a priest asked if I have any whole milk

I said "forgive me father, for I have skim"

About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess.

So he went to his priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Guilders for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?

A man asks for his wife on his deathbed

Man: Dear I have to tell you a secret.

Wife: You don't have to.

Man: I must. I cannot leave this world with this secret. Please forgive me.

Wife: Ok, tell me.

Man: I have a mistress.

Wife: I know. I found out earlier today. Now stop resisting and let the rat poison kill you.

An old man goes to confession.

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I'm 80 years old and have been happily married to the love of my life for 60 years, but last night i cheated on her. With twins. 21 year old bikini model twins."

The priest asks how long it's been since his last confession.

"I've never been to confession. I'm Jewish."

"Then why are you telling me this?" the priest asks.

The old man replies, "I'm telling EVERYBODY!"

4 Nuns

Four Nuns are standing in line for confession.
Nun 1: Forgive me, father, I have seen a naked man.
Priest: Go wash your eyes in Holy Water and you will be forgiven.
Nun 2: Forgive me, father, I touched a naked man.
Priest: Go wash your hands in Holy Water and you will be forgiven.
Nun 4 (speaking to Nun 3): Can I go in front of you?
Nun 3 (responding to Nun 4): Why?
Nun 4: I am not going to gargle the Holy Water after you wash your butt in it.

Forgive me Father for I have Sinned

A teenage boy goes to confession. Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I've had premarital sex.
The priest says My son, who was the young lady? Was it Mary O'Toole?
I won't say her name. I don't want her to get in trouble.
Was it Jane Thompson? Laura Smith?
Father, I'm not saying who it was.
He exits the confessional and his friend asks What'd you get?
Ten Hail Mary's, five Our Father's, and three good leads.

Another three nuns joke....Three nuns are walking home late one night when suddenly they are attacked by three men.

The men pull them into the bushes and begin to assault them.

The first nun, clutching her rosary beads says, "forgive him Lord, he knows not what he does."

The second one closes her eyes and says, "forgive him Lord, he knows not what he does."

The third nun says, "this one does."

A man goes to church to confess his sins.

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned," he tells him

"What is it that you've done, my child?"

"Father, I've had premarital sex with 6 different beautiful women. One for each day since Monday."

The priest takes a good look at him before replying, "Well, son, say 10 hail Mary's and drink a pint of lime juice."

"Will that absolve my sins, Father?"

"No, but it sure as hell will wipe that stupid smirk on your face!"

Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest.

For I have synonymed.

A man hasn't been to church for a long while and decides he'd better go to confession before starting to go again. When he enters the confessional box he's amazed to find that it's got a bar lined with finest whiskeys and a huge array of the finest cigars.

As he's looking at this in wonder, the priest comes in.

The man says, Father, forgive me, it's a long time since my last confession. I must say though, that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.

The priest says, Get out,you idiot. You're on my side.

My wife told me she was coming home at 9pm but came back at 5pm and caught me with another girl

Should I forgive her for her lie ?

From my 8 yr old: Why did the girl dolphin not forgive the boy dolphin?

Because he did it on porpoise!

Bad girl!

She: I am sorry daddy, I have been a bad girl

Preist: For the last time! It's "Forgive me father for I have sinned"!!

Words from the mathematician's Bible

And the Lord spoke to the animals, and he said "Go forth and multiply!"

The snakes came up to him and said "Oh Lord, forgive us, but we cannot fulfill your commandment, we cannot multiply, for we are adders".

"Go and cut down the trees and build furniture out of them", said the Lord, "for with the aid of log tables, adders can multiply"

Forgive me if it's a repost, I am not sure.

Rick: What is the name of your car?

Edward: I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'.

Rick: Oh, what a strange car, starts with Tea. All cars that I know start with petrol

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the forgive archbishop jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working forgive confession piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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