Forest Fire Jokes

Three women (a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette) are lost in the forest while hunting.

They each have a shotgun with 2 bullets. They make a fire. Then the redhead gets up and goes hunting. She comes back with 2 rabbits. The other two say, "Wow, where did you get that?" She says, "I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw rabbits. Rabbits ran. I shot. Rabbits stopped." Then the brunette leaves and comes back with a deer. The other two say, "Wow, Where did you get that?" She says, "I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw deer. Deer ran. I shot. Deer stopped." The blonde leaves and comes crawling back, all bloodied and black and blue. They others say, "Wow, where did you get that?" She says, "I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw train. Train ran. I shot. Train didn't stop."

A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear.

He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him.
After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires.
When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
A moment later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your t**... out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I’ll [insert appropriate colloquialism for s**... here].”
The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over; and the bear does what he said he would do.
After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers and staggers back into town.
He’s pretty mad.
He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest.
He sees the same bear, aims, and fires.
When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “You know what to do.”
Afterward, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys a bazooka.
Now he’s really mad.
He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires.
The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back.
When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says, “You’re not doing this for the hunting, are you?”

Two new deer hunters decided to separate to increases their chances.

"What if we get lost?" says one of them.
"Fire three shots up in the air, every hour on the hour," says the other.
"I saw it on TV."
Sure enough, one of the hunters gets lost, so he fires three shots up into the air every hour on the hour.
The next day the other hunter finds his friend with the help of the Forest Ranger.
"Did you do what I said?" asked the hunter.
"Yes, I fired three shots up into the air every hour on the hour, until I ran out of arrows."

Two r**... from Arkansas were out hunting.
They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something.
The first r**... says to the other, "If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you."
After about three hours, the second r**... finds he is really lost.
He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him.
He then waits an hour and does it again.
He repeats this until he is out of ammo.
The next morning, the first r**... finds the second with the help of forest rangers.
He asks the second r**... man if he did what he told him to do.
The r**... answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows."

A Jewish man and a Czechoslovakian man...

...were walking in a national forest. All of a sudden, a bear appeared and ate the Czechoslovakian man. The Jewish guy ran back to find someone to help. He found a Forest Ranger and told him what had happened. So the ranger took a gun and went back into the forest. There were two bears together. "Now there are only two bears on this mountain," the ranger explained. "One is a male, the other is a female. Which is the one that ate your friend?" The Jewish guy said it was definitely the male bear. So the ranger fired the gun and killed the bear, while the other ran away. When they cut it open to see, its stomach was empty.
The moral of the story? Never trust a Jew that says the Czech is in the male.

Three American Indians get lost in the forest..

Indian No.1: "What do we do?"
Indian No.2: "I don't know, we're Indian, we're not supposed to get lost in the forest!"
Indian No.3: "We could do like the white man and fire three shots into the air."
Indian No.2: "How does that help?"
Indian No.3: "Well, when the white man gets lost in the forest, he fires three shots into the air and then somebody comes and saves him."
Indian No.2: "That sounds like a great idea!" *Points to Indian No.1 and says*: "Go ahead and fire three shots in the air."
*Indian No.1 fires three shots into the air and they wait. After an hour, nothing happens.*
Indian No.1: "So, how long are we supposed to wait?"
Indian No.2: "I don't know. I guess it depends how close they are. Maybe we should try again?
Indian No.3 *(to Indian No.1)*: "Yeah, try firing three more shots in the air."
Indian No.1: "I would, but I only have two arrows left."
*This joke was told to me by a Sioux elder who also told me: "If you're not worth laughing at, you're not worth much." Of course, he was referring to the fact that we must be allowed to laugh at each other.*

A Chinese man with the unfortunate name "Shan Yu"

To escape the ridicule of his peers, this man moved to the United States and found a job in an office that simplified scholarly articles on FOL (first order logic) so that the average Joe could read them.
It turned out this was Shan Yu's dream job; no one else could handle the language in the FOL files like he could. In his off hours he would practice hiding his accent, and "FOL" was his word of choice.
After years of practice, Shan Yu's accent was rock solid in all but the most emotional scenarios, and even then was only a bit shaky.
One day, Shan Yu heard his supervisor explaining to a client that the papers his company managed were beginning to become far too erudite for the average reader to grasp. In casual terms, these were the FOL-est papers he'd ever seen. Upon hearing this, Shan Yu slammed open the door and proclaimed: "Only Yu can prevent FORest fires!"

Elephants

How many legs does an elephant have?
Four. Two in the front and two in the back.
Why don't elephants make good dancers?
They have two left feet.
What's flat and feathery and half an inch tall?
A duck who tried to teach an elephant how to dance.
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stomp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stomp out flaming ducks, of course.

Two hunters are out in the forest when one of them collapses

Two hunters are out in the forest when one of them collapses. The other one calls '911' and the operator answers.
"This is 911, what is your emergency?" she says.
"Uh... My friend is dead I don't know what to do!" the man replies.
"Ok, calm down. Firstly, you gotta make sure he actually is dead", the woman says.
"Fine, give me 1 second"
*Gunshot fired*
"Ok, what now?" the man asks.