Forced Jokes

What are some Forced jokes?

I'm tired of all these forced gender neutral terms

The girl I'm going out with insist on calling me just friend instead of boyfriend

1984 is a great work of literature.

I think all kids should be forced to read it.

I was forced to swallow purple food color.

I feel violated.

Ted Cruz has aborted his campaign

..but I say he should be forced to carry it to full term

What do broccoli and sex have in common? NSFW

If you were forced to have it as a child you're gonna hate it as an adult.

I went to bed with a 7 and woke up with a 10.

Forced upgrades should be illegal, Microsoft.

Stop spreading the fake news that women are forced to wear hijabs.

It's their free choice between wearing them or getting stoned to death.

The CIA, FBI, and the KGB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest...

The CIA show up after a few days and release a 6000 word article on the fact that rabbits don't exist.

The FBI show up with a dead rabbit and say in a press release "The rabbit had it coming."

The KGB show up with a bruised and beaten bear. The bear is forced to make a statement "I am a rabbit, my father was a rabbit, and my mother is a rabbit. My whole family are rabbits!" the bear disappears shortly after...

What did the conductor do when half of the cello section called in sick a week before a major concert?

He was forced to resort to excessive violins.

My girlfriend said to treat her like a princess

So I forced her into a marriage with a man she'd never met so that I could make an alliance with Poland.

UGH I was just forced to watch a stupid commercial about something called a Snuggie...

I wanted to change the channel so bad, but I was under a blanket and didn't want my arms to get cold.

Buttsex is a lot like spinach

If you're forced to have it as a child. You'll never enjoy it as an adult.

Thank you Daniel Tosh.

Why was the glass-blower forced to retire?

He sucked...

I hurt my shoulder and doctor told me i shouldn't lift anything heavy.

So i'm forced to sit down when i pee.

n Eskimo was out for a drive

An Eskimo is out for a drive one day when his car breaks down and is forced to call a mechanic. Finally the mechanic arrives and he sets to work, looking under the bonnet until he locates the problem. He looks up at the Eskimo and says, "You've blown a seal, mate" to which the Eskimo hastily replies, "No I haven't! That's just frost on my moustache."

Fighter jock and the cargo pilot

A cargo plane is flying along, doing its cargo plane thing, when a fighter jet comes up alongside.

The fighter jock decides to poke some fun at the pilot who's forced to fly such an ungainly vessel.

"My plane's so much more advanced than yours. Watch this" says the jock, as he proceeds to do loop-de-loops, barrel rolls, corkscrews, and all manner of fast paced aerial acrobatics.

"Very impressive," responds the cargo pilot. "But that's nothing, watch this." For a half hour the large craft simply plods along straight as an arrow, not even so much as dipping the wings.

After a while, the cargo pilot comes back on the radio and says "So, what'd you think?"

Jock: "What d'you mean? You didn't do anything. You just flew straight for a while."

Cargo: "Oh no, that wasn't all. I got up, stretched my legs, got some coffee, went to the bathroom..."

I asked my mom why she forced me to go to to singing lessons as a kid

She said singing is a skill I need to a choir.

A child was recently forced to write on the chalk board until he died

He was sentenced to death

For hundreds of years they were forced to work for us across our nation, tirelessly and without monetary compensation. They were whipped, and tied to wooden posts. Even today, they are exploited for sports and entertainment.

Man, horses must really hate us.

Three men walk into heaven after death and find there is only one rule.

There are ducks running around everywhere, and God tells them that the only rule is to not step on any ducks. You must watch your step wherever you go. The punishment of stepping in a duck is that you are forced to marry someone hideous.

The three men begin to like heaven. They are roaming around when the first man hears a loud, pained quack and discovers he had accidentally stepped on a duck. The next day, he finds that God was serious about the rule, and was forced to marry an very unattractive woman.

The next day, the second man went off on his own. He was daydreaming, and accidentally stepped on a duck. He, too, was made to marry a very ugly woman.

When the two men were lamenting over their punishments, they found their friend with a beautiful supermodel wearing a wedding dress. They go up to God ask how he got to marry such a beautiful women.

"Because, she stepped on a duck."

I had 10 bottles of Rum....

...the good sort. But my wife forced me to throw away them all.

I took the first bottle, drank a glass and threw the rest on the sink.

Took the second bottle,drank a glass and threw the rest on the sink.

Took the third bottle, drank the rest and threw the glass on the sink.

Took the fourth bottle, drank in the sink and threw the rest on the glass.

Took the fifth glass, threw the cork on the sink and drank the bottle.

Took the sixth sink, drank the bottle and thew the glass on the rest.

The seventh bottle i took the rest and drank in the sink.

Took the glass, drank the rest and threw the sink on the eighth bottle.

Threw the ninth sink on the glass, took the bottle and drank the rest.

On the tenth glass, i took on the bottle on the rest and threw myself on the sink.

Susan at Bible Shool

Susan was a good little Christian girl, but one Saturday night, she stayed up way to late. So when Sunday rolled around and it came time for Sunday School, she finally forced herself to go. Upon her arrival she figured it wasn't all that important as it was the same lesson from 3 weeks ago. She dozed off, and when the teacher asked her, "Who is the Son of God?" The boy next to her poked her with a pencil. She immediately woke up and exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!". After this she nodded off again and the teacher called on her again, "Susan, who is the creator of the universe?" The boy poked her again with the pencil, awakening flustered and rather angry, she spoke softly, growing gradually louder, "Oh, my, God!" Again she falls asleep when the teacher asks one final question, "Susan, what did Eve say to Adam after their 56th child?" The boy once more prodded her with his pencil and she screams, "IF YOU POKE ME WITH THAT THING ONE MORE TIME, I WILL SNAP IT IN HALF!!!"

In hard times, a young woman becomes a prostitute...

For obvious reasons, she tries to keep this hidden from her only relative, her old grandma.

One cold evening, the brothel that the prostitute works in is raided by police. All sex workers are forced to wait in a line outside to show identification and documents.

As luck would have it, nan was in this bad area in town saw her granddaughter in the queue. She asked "Why are you standing in line here dear, are you not cold?". Trying to think of a good alibi, the grand daughter told her that the policeman were handing out free oranges.
Excited by the prospects of free oranges, the old lady said "Why how awfully nice of them, I might get some myself" and went to the back of the line.

A policeman, going down the line for more information looks very suprised when he comes to the four foot eight female yoda. "Wow, how do you keep at it at your age?".

"Well darling, I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back, and suck them dry".

Two Monks

Two Monks attempted to sell flowers outside the Playboy mansion yesterday. Despite the best attempts of the mansions security, the monks could not be forced from the grounds. It wasn't until the owner of the mansion himself arrived, that the friars left. It just goes to show:

that only Hue can stop florist friars.

A group of friends all live on the 200th floor of a building

One day they all come back from a trip and find out that the elevator to their floor has shut down and is under repair, so they're forced to take the long walk up the stairs.

To make the walk up a little more exciting, they decide to each tell a sad, terrifying, or depressing story every 20 floors. When they finally get to the top, the tenth friend gets to tell his story.

"I think I left the keys in the car."

A rancher dies.

A rancher dies and leaves the ranch to his wife. She, not being able to handle the responsibility of caring for the ranch, is forced to hire a ranch hand. The only available candidate happens to be a gay man, to whom she is fairly prejudiced. But left with no choice, she hires him. It turns out to be a great decision. He's really good. The ranch is well maintained and the animals are happy and healthy. As a reward, she tells him to take the night off. 'Go into town and enjoy yourself,' she says. And so he does. But by midnight, he's still not home.
1:30... nothing...
2:00 in the morning, he finally walks in the door, and she's waiting for him. She's sitting in an easy chair, by the fireplace. She's got a cigarette in one hand and a glass of brandy in the other, sipping it by candlelight. He walks in. She says to him...
'Take off my blouse'
He's a bit taken a back, and quite frankly, a little uncomfortable, but he does it.
'Now, take off my skirt'
Again, he's uncomfortable but, again, he does it.
'Take off my bra.'
Now, he's visibly nervous, but this is his boss, so, he goes ahead and does it.
'Now, take off my panties.'
By this point, he's noticeably upset and uncomfortable, but he does it.
'And if I ever catch you wearing my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

A polish man is forced to take the controls in of a small two-passenger plane [math joke]

The pilot had just had a heart attack, they were running low on fuel. While he had flown decades ago during the war, he had no experience with the newer instruments and wasn't sure if he could land the plane. He grabs the radio and explains his situation to air traffic control. Several voices answer and begin shouting over each other, the man can't figure out what's going on. He interrupts them, "Please, gentlemen. I'm just a simple pole, in a complex plane."

Eating vegetables is a lot like having sex.

If you're forced to do it as a kid, you won't like it as an adult.

I got into a fight with my father when I told him Jim Morrison wasn't talented.

He forced me to go to my room. I slammed my door behind me, and my dad said, "Don't you ever slam The Doors in my house again!"

Hugh Hefner

Today, famous playboy Hugh Hefner successfully managed to stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property. The police forced the friars to close down their stall, which was outside the Playboy Mansion, where they had been selling flowers.

Said one friar, "Well if it was anyone else we could've gotten away with it, but unfortunately only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Last year, 7th grade students were forced to clean the entire school.

This year, the principal said, "Last year, the 7th grade student did the cleaning. This year, let the 8th grade students do it."

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Seven's been worried about six even since he left Afghanistan. Every time 6 closes his eyes, he sees the war and hears the gunshots. He sees the blood, the killing, the death, and soldiers falling. When he looks at seven, he remembers when they were forced to eat their own flesh to not starve in those caves. He sees the war and the flashbacks will come back forever, burned into his soul and mind.

I was forced to dress up in a half man, half horse costume.

I hate being the centaur of attention.

How about some snappy one-liners?

Ironically, the only way you could get me to watch 50 shades of gray is if you tied me up and forced me to watch it.

Make me feel like a woman.

The captain of an airplane has just announced that the plane will run out of fuel and will be forced to make a crash landing. He asks everyone to call their loved ones now as things are looking bleak. As the passengers become more and more uneasy a lady jumps up, rips off her shirt, and screams "Someone make me feel like a woman one last time!" A male passenger jumps up, rips off his shirt, and hands it to her along with an iron.

An orphan had a rough year...

He had been adopted three times. The first family had a dog that the boy loved, but the father beat the dog daily. The boy reported the family, and he returned to the foster home. The second family had a loving mother that took care of the boy, but the father beat his wife daily. The boy reported the father, and the mother was forced to return the boy to the foster home. The third family seemed very nice at first, but when the father got drunk, he beat the boy. Yet again, the boy reported the father, and returned to the foster home. At this point, the boy was feeling like he would never find a home he could stay in. But a local judge, hearing his story, wanted to give the boy a Christmas present. He visited the boy, and asked what he wanted for Christmas. The boy said, "I want to be adopted by the Houston Texans." Confused, the judge asks the boy why he would want to be adopted by a sports team. The boy smiles and yells, "Cause they don't beat anybody."

[Insert the listener's favorite sports team for bonus laughs]

Bob, his wife, and nine kids are waiting at a bus stop

A man with glasses and a cane walks over, and asks if this is the bus stop. Bob says yes. A few minutes later, the bus arrives.
Since there are only 10 seats, Bob and the blind man are forced to walk. While they are walking, Bob notices a knocking noise coming whenever the blind man slams his cane down.
Bob suggests to the man, Why don't you try putting rubber on the end of your stick? The man replies, If you had put rubber on YOUR stick, we wouldn't be walking!

I am occasionally forced to wear women's clothes.

It's a real drag.

Ted Cruz should have been forced to carry his Campaign to term...

Terminating it is unchristian afterall

The Bank Robber

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There were a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."

(credit to wetwillyone)

I was forced to drop out of communism class...

I wasn't Lenin anything, my grades were Stalin, and my Marx were terrible!

A drunk staggered down to a hotel reception

He was demanding a change of room. He was so insistent that the receptionist was forced to call the manager.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the manager
"I want another room" said the drunk
"But I see you're in room 224. That's one of the best rooms in the hotel."
"I don't care. I want another room"
"Very well, sir. If you're absolutely adamant, we can move you from 224 to 260. But would you mind telling me what you don't like about your room?"
"Well" said the drunk, "for one thing, it's on fire"

A military plane has some technical difficulties and is forced to crash-land on an island in the Pacific.

As it turns out, it was inhabited by cannibals. Without much ado, the crew are captured and delivered to the village, to be put in the communal pot.

The chief of the tribe approaches, and asks them "Who might you be, snacks from above?"

"Airman Sam Jones," says one.

"Airman Dan Williams."

"Airman First Class Ted Robins."

"Commander John Simmons."

"Ah, congratulations!" says the cannibal.

"Er, thank you? Why?"

"Well sir, tomorrow you will be Commander-in-Chief!"

How the Fukarwe Indians got their Name:

The Fukarwe Indians lived in Utah about 2,000 years ago.

They were a peaceful tribe and lived in Teepees on the prarie.

One day it started raining heavily.......and kept on raining.

The prarie started to flood and they were forced to move to higher ground.

And the rain kept coming......and the tribe had to move to higher and higher ground.

Until they found themselves at the top of a mountain.

And the Chief raised his hands to the Sky and shouted.

Where the Fukarwe!!!!..........z

A Knight's Retinue

A knight and his page stop for the evening at an inn, a squire close behind. The knight calls for the women to come and service his men, as they've been riding long and hard all day and wish to continue in the same manner. Four girls enter the room and pair up with the men in turn, but the last two are forced to double up. As morning came, the girls found a few new problems with themselves.
"That knight had chlamydia!", shouted one.
"Well the squire had crabs!", shouted another.
The last two girls checked themselves in a hurry, but found no new afflictions.
"Wow," one said, turning to the other. "I'm glad we were on the same page."

Peter is staring up at Jesus on the cross.

Suddenly their eyes meet and Jesus calls out, "Peter! Peter!"

Peter runs to the foot of the cross but he is beaten and forced back by the Roman guards. Once again he looks up when he hears his savior cry, "Peter. Peter."

Jesus's voice is much weaker now and that spurs Peter up the hill to the foot of the cross where he is again beaten and forced back down the hill.

"Peter... Peter." The voice is very weak now and in desperation Peter fights his way to the cross, climbs up near Jesus's head and says, "Yes, My Lord?"

"Peter, I can see your house from here..."

What's the difference between family bonding and family bondage?

One is forced and borderline torture, the other is sex.

Football and accountancy in one joke

A Sunday League football team is desperate for players. So desperate in fact that one Sunday they are forced to play a chicken. Rather surprisingly the chicken has a brilliant first half. One minute it's clearing off its own line, the next threading the perfect through ball, the next putting in a perfect cross.

At half time all its team-mates are very pleased and everyone runs back onto the pitch for the second half.

On the way the ref starts chatting with the chicken.

"Great first half mate, you must be really fit".

"Thanks", replied the chicken, "I try to keep myself fit but its difficult finding the time so I try to do an hour in the gym each morning before work".

"What do you do then?" asked the ref.

"I'm a chartered accountant" replies the chicken.

At this point the ref immediately brandishes the red card and sends the chicken off. The bemused team-mates gather round the ref and start complaining.

"Sorry lads", says the ref, "I had no choice - *Professional fowl*".

A ship went down on a reef...

There were only three survivors; a 25 year old man, a dog, and a cat.

They were washed up on a deserted tropical island. Food and water were no problem, but after a month the man started to get the urge to have sex. As there were no other people, he was forced to choose between the dog and the cat. Naturally, he chose the dog - man`s best friend. But the cat had a jealous streak, and would always interrupt the man when he tried to have his way with the dog. The man tried all kinds of strategies, but it was no use. The cat never allowed him a chance to get it on with the dog.

Then one day, another ship went down on the reef. From this ship there was only one survivor; a beautiful 22 year old woman. She almost drowned in the surf as she made her way to the island, but the man rescued her - effectively saving her life.

The woman was so grateful that she offered to do anything for the man.

"Anything?" asked the man, already thinking about his carnal desires.

"Yes. Absolutely anything. I`ll do anything to show you my appreciation. For you are my savior," she replied.

"Well then", said the man, "I`d be delighted if you could take the cat for a walk for half an hour."

In light of the DNC event and my own recent experience with the forced install of windows 10.. What do the Clinton's have in common with Bill Gates?

They both no longer need your consent.

I use to own an online shop selling dildo's but I was forced to sell it.....

There was too much stiff competition!

I Used to work in a pathology lab...

I was forced to leave when one of my reports said "Cause of Death: Autopsy"

A first place winner at the International Pun Contest

A woman has identical twins and is forced to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're identical twins!
If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

A bank robbery . . .

A hooded robber burst into a Vancouver bank and forced the tellers
to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Vancouver customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking
straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down
at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, " Well, did anyone
else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was
plainly too afraid to speak.

Then, one old farmer named Bill from Alberta tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a real good look at you."

BMW tried to make an amphibious vehicle...

Mercedes and BMW started selling amphibious vehicles. Soon, however, BMW was forced to stop selling them, as their customer's kept getting the Benz.

I remember once I was forced to choose between Dwayne Johnson and a lifetime supply of frozen fish.

I was stuck between a Rock and a hard plaice.

Daughter asked me she wants to feel like a princess

so I forced her on a marriage with a man she's never met to secure our alliance with the French.

God has me covered

A farmer encounters a great flood in his village and he is forced to take refuge on the roof.

A car drives by and offers to drive him to safety, the farmer says "No...God will take care of me"

The flood gets higher and a boat comes by and offers him a ride to safety, the farmer says "No...God will take care of me"

Finally the floods get even higher and a helicopter shows up offering him a ride to safety, the farmer says "No....God will take care of me"." A few minutes later a wave comes at him killing him

Later in heaven, God asks the farmer "Why are you here? I sent you a car, a boat AND a helicopter!!!"

Four students are having a problem with their car...

Four students are having a problem with their car and are forced to stop on the side of the road.
"The ignition is damaged" says the electrical engineer.
"The fuel pipe is clogged" says the chemist.
"Engines is damaged" says the engineer.

"Lets just get out of the car and get in again" says the computer scientist.

A blonde, brunette, and a red head...

So a blonde, brunette,and a red head are each forced to kill their husbands and dispose of the corpse. They all kill their victim and have the responsibility of disposing of the body so they all throw the body in the trunks of their cars. Now, they each have to drive to the location where they can safely dispose of the body. The red head gets in her car and decides she'll drive in the left lane since that's the fast lane, so she can go fast, get to the location quickly, and dispose of the body. A cop pulls her over for going too fast, she gets a ticket but gets back on her way to get rid of the body, no problem. Brunette gets into her car decides she'll drive in the right lane since that's the lane with slower traffic, to not look suspicious. Cop pulls her over for driving too slow and impeding traffic, gives her a ticket but she continues on her way, no problem. Blonde gets into her car decides to drive in the HOV lane since she never sees anyone there it'll be a smooth ride to the location. Cop pulls her over for driving in the HOV lane with only person. Cop writes her a ticket for that, blonde reads the ticket and says "No, officer, I'm not the only person in the car I have my husband in the trunk.

Made it up myself not the best but I think it is OC

I was working on a new rape joke, but i couldn't get the punchline to flow right.

It just came off sounding too forced.

What was it called when the Japanese forced all their best drivers to be in the Fast and the Furious movie?

Tokyo Draft

What did one male orphan say to another when they were forced to share a bed?

"No home bro."

I was captured by a pimp and forced to become a prostitute

It was whore-ifying

A female drifter

I'm a drifter, a woman, and you don't find that much, especially in England. I run a scam pretending to be a nanny. Too recently, I had to eliminate some competition for the job. I got in, and got in real good with the parents. Scared the kids. I gave them LSD and forced them to consort with a schizophrenic tea-shop owner and a crazy hobo and his gang. I intentionally got the father fired from his job because of a political disagreement, and ran off before blame could be cast on me. My name is Mary, Mary Poppins.

My girlfriend caught me stealing cats the other day.

Forced me to let the cat out of the bag.

I just found out my little brother has been forced to smoke at school by some mad french foreign exchange student.

It was Pierre pressure

A group of people were forced to enumerate numbers, but one of them didn't participate. "Why doesn't he have to do this?" asked one of the members.

"Well he doesn't count."

A penguin is driving through town on a hot summer day.

Unfortunately, his car breaks down and he's forced to take it to a mechanic. The mechanic says "I'll have a look, just go do something for a bit and come back. I'll let you know what I find when you get back."

So, with some time to kill the penguin goes across the road to get some ice cream. Due to the heat, the ice cream melts fast while the penguin tries to eat it. He makes an awful mess, all over his flappers and beak.

He goes back to the mechanic when he's done his ice cream and the mechanic says "Looks like you just a blew a seal"

"Oh no I was just eating some ice cream"

A Jedi would make a terrible stand up comedian.

Their jokes would always feel forced...

Why was the powerful Jedi a terrible comedian?

Too *forced*, his punchlines were

After being forced to do sit ups for 4 hours straight

The man died of ab-use

A turtle walks into a bar...

...actually, it was supposed to be a rabbit, but lack of a neutral net forced a last minute script change.

Three guys go on a skiing trip together and are forced to share a room with a single bed.

In the middle of the night, the guy on the right side of the bed wakes up and says, "Wow, I had this mad dream I was getting a hand job."

The guy on the left side of the bed has also woken up, and says that he's had the same dream, too.

The guy in the middle says, "Wow that's funny, I dreamed I was skiing."

So the army is forced to cut the pensions of some of their veterans...

In order to repay the veterans for their service they bring in three veterans. They tell the three that they will be reimbursed in money, in that each one can choose two points of their body, and the distance between the two will be how much money they receive.
Anyway, the first man goes and says, "I'll have my outstretched wingspan measured."
His wingspan is 160cm, so he is given $160.
The second man chooses the top of his head and his feet.
His height is 175cm, so he is given $175.
The third man steps up and says, "I'll have the distance from my right palm to my right index finger."
The military people first are confused, but then the man taking the measurements looks at his hand.
"Where's your right index finger, soldier?"
The veteran smiles and says, "Back where I lost it, in Vietnam."

Three men are driving in the desert when their car breaks down.

The men decide that they must split up and survive on their own for the best chances. They are then forced to abandon the car. To be fair, they decide that they can each take one part of the car to help them.

The first man decides that he wants to take the car battery, he is an engineer and believes he can hook it up to somehow keep his phone charged as he travels the desert.

The second man decides he wants the water pump because he can drink from it when he gets thirsty.

The third man, who was a little slow, wanted to take a car door with him. His reasoning was, if it ever gets to hot, I can just roll the window down

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