Force Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

A flight attendant sees a suspicious couple on board...

She decides to report it to the pilot immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! The female passenger looks pretty frightened and the man she is with looks dangerous!"

The pilot responds, "Patricia, I've told you before. This is Air Force One..."

I was forced to swallow purple food color.

I feel violated.

Why aren't color blind people allowed to join the police force?

They wouldn't know who to shoot

How does Darth Vader manage to eat through that mask?

He's force fed.

Which of the American forces is the most patriotic?

The Air Force, because its US AF.

What does the US military and a fart have in common?

Air Force

Star Wars Episode 7-9 Titles Revealed

Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens

Star Wars Episode VIII: The Force Sleeps For Five More Minutes

Star Wars Episode IX: The Force Is Late For Work

Did you hear about the Anorexic Jedi?

She had to be force fed.

Do you really have to lick the knife!? she asked with a disapproving frown. Whoops! Sorry! Force of habit. I said, chuckling. Lots of people do it though, don't they?!

Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.

Do you really have to lick the knife? she asked frowning. Sorry, force of habit! I chuckled. Lots of people do it though, don't they?

Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.

TIL France got a different version of The Force Awakens than the rest of the world.

While the international version ends with Rey and Luke, the French version ends with fin.

May the force be...

... Equal to Mass times Acceleration.

What`s the difference between a Doctors Without Borders hospital and ISIS?

How would I know, I`m just a US Air Force Operator.

Why I Joined the Air Force

The DOD was conducting an all service briefing and the leader posed this question.
What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?
A sailor said, I'd step on it.
A soldier said, I'd squash it with my boot.
A marine said, I'd catch it, break the stinger off, and eat it.
An Airman said. I'd call room service and find out why there's a tent in my room.

Air Force One gets caught in a storm in the midwest

And crashes. Because most of the roads are out, it takes emergency responders a long time to reach the wreck. When they get there, they see a farmer.

"Did you see the plane crash?" asked the EMTs.

"Ayup. Sure did. Buried them all too," answered the farmer.

"None of them survived?"

"Well, the president said he did, but you know what a liar he is."

"Update the force, Luke"

Adobe Wan Kenobi

A weather report for you

I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Why does the north Korean navy have glass bottom boats?

So they can see their air Force.

Why don't churches have WiFi?

They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works. :-D

Why are there no Jewish Jedi family's?

Because they have no force kin

Why did the pedestrian die after getting hit by a pot smoker?

Too much blunt force.

I know how the Force Awakens ends!

Credits.

The original name for Jedis was "Force Kin".

I wonder why they rolled it back?

My sex life is just like star wars:

Its either Han Solo,

or i have to use the force.

Do you really have to lick the knife? she asked. Sorry, force of habit. Lots of people do it though, don't they? I said.

Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor.

Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?

He played the force.

What's the most american US military branch?

the Air Force. They're USAF.

Yo mama so fat..

Your dad was attracted to her by the force of gravity.

Flight Report

Flight Attendant: "Captain! I think we have a case of human trafficking! There's a lecherous old slob with an immigrant lady on the plane, who looks like she's being taken against her will! Should we bump them off?"




Captain: "For gods sake Patricia! We don't work for United Airlines anymore! This is Air Force one!"

if Newton heard someone suggest his corpse could move without an external force acting upon it...

...he would roll over in his grave.

What was Mark Hamill's reaction when he finished reading The Force Awakens script?

Speechless

A soldier finds a scorpion in his tent...

In the Marines, he kills the scorpion.

In the Army, he calls his CO and reports the presence of the scorpion.

In the Air Force, he calls the front desk and asks why there's a tent in his room.

My friend said she teaches circuit training classes..

I'll bet she's the driving force behind her students' motivation.

What type of objects do not accelerate, regardless of the force applied?

Letterhead and envelopes. No matter how hard you try, they remain stationery!

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected.

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit and stay with me during the inauguration and for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fare is ridiculous."

"Mom, the Presidential motorcade will drive you here."

"But accommodations, especially during the inau---"

"MOM!! I'll put you in the Lincoln bedroom itself!!"

She reluctantly agrees, hangs up and starts talking to her friend.

"Who was that?"

"My son."

*gasp* "The doctor??"

"No, the other one."

First Jewish President

The first Jewish president becomes elected in the United States. After a couple months in office, he decides to fly his mother up for a visit from her retirement home in Florida.

A limo arrives at the mother's door to pick her up, and she is driven to the airport where Air Force One is waiting to fly her straight to Washington DC. Another limo picks her up from the D.C. airport, taking her to the White House.

The gatekeeper at the White House, not knowing whom the guest is, exclaims to the mother, "Wow! you must know somebody very important to get special treatment like this!"

"Well of course", the mother replies, "the president is brother to my son, the Doctor!"

why was darth vader arrested?

excessive use of force.

The funniest joke I've heard happen organically.

I was sat in front of a couple I didn't know on the bus who were arguing. The girl was asking why the guy never made more of an effort romantically, but he's saying that it doesn't come naturally to him to make these big gestures. She keeps angrily saying he needs to be more spontaneous.

He says "I'm a guy, I can't just turn it on like a tap."

She says "Force it!"

He says "Fine, I can't just turn it on like a faucet".

Unsurprisingly, this didn't help. Neither did it help that the guy in front of them cracked up and turned around for a high five.

Air Traffic Control

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference.. . If it is a commercial flight, it is 3 o'clock . If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."

Do you know what I hate? Inspirational quotes

Because no matter what you read, only you can be the driving force behind your success.

Three guys walk into a bar, an air force pilot, a marine, and a police officer...

The pilot says "I'll have a pint of your finest lager." The bartender serves him some beer. The marine says, "Line up three shots of rum." The bartender obliges. Finally the cop says "Give me a glass of cabernet." The bartender gives the cop his wine. The three men pay, have their drinks and leave.

The bartender looks bemused as though he expected something different. He sets out some tumblers, and starts pouring gingerale into each one. He follows with some orange juice. The old wino at the end of the bar asks him what's up. He says "After all this, I felt we needed a punch line."

Bill Clinton is on Air Force One when the Flight Attendant approaches with the lunch menu...

Bill looks at the menu briefly, and then looks up and down at the attendant before giving her a wink. He leans over and says "Well, I sure could go for a quickie right about now."

The Attendant is flattered on some level but quickly starts flushing red at the terror of being about to learn just how far she'd go to keep her job. Al Gore is sitting right across from Bill reading his own menu, and immediately recognizes what's going on. He glances at Bill and leans over to attendant, and says

"I'm sorry, I believe the President would like to order a *quiche*".

Watching Solo die was my favorite part of The Force Awakens....

Han's down.

US Forces have just liberated thousands of ISIS sex slaves...

All the goats and other livestock are being moved to an undisclosed location and are awaiting to be reunited with their farmers.

What do you call a woman that tries to force you into commitment?

A booby trap

Making jokes about rape is hard...

because it's such a touchy subject and you always have to force it

At my trial the judge asked me how i justified using force to get women to sleep with me...

Apparently "Because I'm a Jedi" wasn't a good enough excuse

Air Force One Vanished

The Air Force One vanishes somewhere over a remote farm. Quickly, a rescue party is sent to the last known location. Instead of the plane, they just find a farmer on a bulldozer.

Rescuer: "Have you seen the presidents plane anywhere?"
Farmer: "Yeah it crashed on my field about an hour ago"
Rescuer: "Where is it?"
Farmer: "It was totally wrecked and everyone inside was dead, so I pushed the whole lot in a hole and buried it."
Rescuer: "The president is dead?"
Farmer: "Well he kept saying he was still alive, but you know how he lies..."

What's the most patriotic branch of the United States military?

Air Force.

Because they are United States AF.

Virginity and candy are a lot a like.

They require minimal force to take from a child.

Religion is a lot like sex

You really should not force it on children.

Why did Darth Vader get suspended from the Police?

He was under investigation for excessive use of Force

Northeast Weather

I just got off the phone with my friend in Boston. He said that since early this morning, the snow has been nearly waist high and still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just staring. He said, if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

The Force Awakens could have been much shorter.

All the First Order had to do to get rid of the Resistance was to use a superconductor.

"For your final police recruit evaluation,"

"there are six rounds in the cylinder" the Sergeant said as he slid a revolver across the desk. "I want you to go shoot five black men and a rabbit".

The puzzled prospective cadet responded, "A rabbit, sir?"

The Sergeant shot up from his seat with an outstretched hand, "welcome to the force, son!"

How did the stoner die?

From blunt force trauma

What do you get when you cross a Jedi with a nun?

a force of habit

I was forced to dress up in a half man, half horse costume.

I hate being the centaur of attention.

Why is Darth Vader's helmet so phallic?

...because when they hid Luke & Leia from him, they removed his force kin.

What do you call a group of armed nuns enforcing the status quo?

a force of habit

Why couldn't Frodo drop the Ring into Mt. Doom?

Force of Hobbit.

My wife got really mad at me earlier when I tried to force feed our young son...

"Just use the fork!" she said. "You're not a Jedi!"

How is circumcision like the Great Jedi Purge?

They both get rid of the force kin!

If I had an atom bomb for every gender...

I'd force Japan to surrender

I met an old Air Force guy.

I met an old Air Force guy. He said the first time he was gonna jump out of a plane he was scared. He said the Captain told him to jump, or he'd stick his d**k where the "sun don't shine". I go, "Did you jump?" He said, "A little."

Air Force One

Air Force One was carrying the President over the Atlantic Ocean for an international peace conference. One of the Secret Service agents approached the President, "Sir, there's a problem with the septic system. It's too full and it's starting to ice over."

The President replied, "Can't you just flush the system into the atmosphere?"

Secret service agent says, "No sir, I can't do that"

President asks, "Why not?"

Secret service agent, "Sir, I can't initiate an icy BM launch unless you give me the proper authorization codes."

What time is it?

In some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

Politics and religion is like a d-ck

you shouldn't force it down anyone's throat especially your children.

Bathroom Etiquette

An Air Force Major is just finishing up at a urinal when a Marine Corp Captain enters the bathroom. As the Marine is peeing, the Air Force officer makes a show of carefully soaping and scrubbing his hands with military precision. Just as the Air Force Major is drying off his hands, the Marine flushes and heads for the door.

"You know, in the Air Forces they teach us that you should always wash your hands after you pee," says the Air Force Major.

"Really?" replies the Marine. "In the Corp they just teach us not to pee on our hands."

Air force weatherman

So, my uncle Mark was a weatherman for the air force and one day during a briefing, the Colonel said, "I think we should all thank Mark here for the wonderful weather that we've been having for our bombing runs."
So my uncle says, "I'm in prediction, not production. I think we need to thank the chaplain."
The chaplain, without missing a beat, says, "I'm in sales, not in management."

You can lead a horse to water...

but you cant force her to star in Sex in the City 3.

What are the funniest force jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Force? Well, here are the best Force puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Force pick up lines to share with friends.

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