For Women Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Liberals are acting like Trump is going to kill all the gays, make slavery legal again, and take away women's rights....

Like he's a Muslim or something.

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

I like my women like I like my whiskey.

12 years old and mixed up with coke.

Disclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.

I like my women like I like my coffee

I've never had coffee but it smells really nice

After my wife died I couldn't look at women for 20 years

But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it

A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!'

'Mmm?'

'Not that many!'

I like my women like I like my slaves

Educated and free.

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

The women I meet in bars have the WORST pickup lines...

They're like, "Hey, what's your friends name?" Never works on me ladies.

Why do Jews get Circumcised?

Because Jewish women refuse to touch anything that isn't at least 10% off

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral

But not my Sister.

XXXTentacion just beat Taylor Swift's Spotify streaming record

Even in the afterlife, XXX is still beating women

My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men.

So I told her to sit down and shut up.

Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

A lot of women actually turn into good drivers

So if you're a good driver watch out.

Why are all Jewish men circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not 10% off

If men call short women petite. What do women call short men?

Friends.

I was shopping with my wife and I couldn't find her, until I saw a beautiful women.

I ask her: I have lost my wife, can I talk to you?

She replies: Why?

I say: You will see in 20 seconds.

Why are women and children evacuated first?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

I like my women like I like my mathematical constants.

Round and irrational.

Happy Pi Day everyone!

My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"

I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body, but I'm so polite...

...I only look at the covered parts.

Why are women and children always the first ones to get evacuated on a emergency situation ?

So men may think on a solution in silence

Minorities play the race card. Women play the gender card. Homosexuals play the gay card. What's left for straight white men?

The Trump card.

When wearing a bikini,women reveal 90% of their body

When wearing a bikini,women reveal 90% of their body....men are so polite they only look at the covered parts

I like my women how I like my computer.

On my lap.
Turned on.
Virus free.

A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining

And says "ladies, is anything ok?"

Minorities have the race card, women have the gender card, homosexuals have the gay card, but what do discriminatory white men have?

The Trump card.

Women say their number one fear of online dating is the guy will be a serial killer. Men say their number one fear is the woman will be fat.

Two Romans were in a bar having a conversation..

Roman 1: you won't believe how many women I've slept with

Roman 2: mmm?

Roman 1: don't be ridiculous, not that many

What does every women in the world want?

Nothing, they're fine.

Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls...

I was in the women's bathroom.

My girlfriend asked me to name...

My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with.

I probably should've stopped when I got to her.

I like my women like I like my microwave

Hot, clean, and she'll kill any baby I put inside her.

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

5 advices to men for a happy life

1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,

2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,

3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,

4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,

5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.

A man asks god...

Man:"Why did you make women so beautiful?"
God:"So you would love her."
Man:"Then why did you make her so dumb?"
God:"So she would love you."

Small Head

A man with a very small head walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why is your head so small?"
He replies, "I was stuck on this island and there was nothing but beautiful women there who had never seen a man before. So I had sex with all of them. Their leader, who was the most beautiful of all, had the power to grant anybody one wish, so I asked her to have sex with me. She said she would grant me anything but that, so I said, "Would a little head be out of the question?"

I heard its easy to convince women not to eat tide pods..

but it's a lot harder to **deter gents**.

After my wife died, I haven't been able to look at other women for 10 years...

But now that I'm out of prison I can honestly say that it was worth it.

What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?...

Their knees.

(Not sure if this one translates well to english)

Women have eggs and milk in them...

And they say that they don't belong in the kitchen.

Why can't two women play monopoly together?

There's only one iron.

Most serial killers are men.

That's because women like to kill one man slowly over many many years.

When women wear a bikini, they expose 90% of their bodies.....

Men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.

Barbara Walters once did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands...

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."

What food makes women stop giving blow jobs?

Wedding cake

A man walks into a bar and notices two fat women.

They had obviously been drinking a lot, and were speaking loudly with heavy accents. After an hour he becomes annoyed with the noise, walks over to them and asks, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but are you two ladies from Scotland?"

"Wales, you idiot!", shouts the fattest one.

"I'm sorry," he says. "Are you two whales from Scotland?"

Mayweather is actually 54-0

If you count the women

Bruce Jenner winning woman of the year just proves that men are better than women at everything, including being a woman

I met a pretty girl.

Today i asked a pretty young homeless women if i could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when i walked off with her cardboard box.

I'm really conflicted about abortion.

I support killing babies, but I don't support giving women a choice.

COWBOY TOMBSTONE JOKE

Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah! I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest? His five rules for a happy life are below.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me

Women are actually turning into good drivers

So if you're a good driver, watch out for women turning

Which is more important to women, length or girth?

Turns out it's consent.

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.

When can women make you a millionaire?

When you're a billionaire.

I heard a statistic that there are more men named David in charge of companies than there are women.

Well obviously. How many women do you know named David?

I treat women like I do numbers....

If they're under 16, do them in your head.

Imagine if instead of periods, women had apostrophes

They'd be even more possessive.

In order to attract women I like to use this quote from Shakespeare's Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.

"Hello."

Louis CK might not physically have had sex with any women

But he came close.

I like my women like I like my microwaves...

Cold on the outside, warm on the inside, and willing and able to kill any baby I put inside them.

Girls from England?

A guy walks into a bar and hears two women speaking in a British accent. He asks, "Are you ladies from England?" One says to him "No, it's Wales, you idiot!" So, then the guy says, "Okay, sorry. So, are you two whales from England?"

What do men and women have in common?

Both need some tissues after watching a good movie.

A man and a woman are lying in bed late night...

...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."

Why are Jewish men circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's at least 20% off.

How do women defy the laws of physics?

The heavier they are, the easier to pick up!

What are the funniest for women jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about For Women? Well, here are the best For Women puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny For Women pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes