The Best 80 For Guys Jokes

Following is our collection of funny For Guys jokes. There are some for guys predict jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these for guys two guys walk into a bar puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest For Guys Jokes and Puns

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.

The man says back, "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another close family member to come with you?

The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem

He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..."

The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot."

For Guys joke, A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

A guy sits down on a bench next to a Thai kid wearing soccer cleats.

"So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?" the man asks, noticing the soccer gear.

"I don't know, who's playing?" the boy answers.

"Jesus Christ, have you been under a rock or something?"


Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud..

But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I'm not one of them.

Girl: "Come over"

Guy: "I'm coming over"

Girl: "We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over."

For Guys joke, Girl: "Come over"

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, She's beautiful, isn't she? I said, If you think she's beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.

He said, Why? Is she a stunner? I said, No, she's an optician.

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.

You can't imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his pistol back in his pocket.

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

You can explore for guys flirty reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean for guys guys dad jokes. There are also for guys puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was

I said "Sir, this is 2019. You can use any printer you want".

Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison?

Cause you know he is actually guilty.

3 guys are on a boat and they have 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. What do they do?

They throw one cigarette off the boat and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.

So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a crowded local bar, holding a pistol in his hand and yelling, I have a 45 caliber pistol here with seven rounds in the barrel plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife.
A voice from the other end of the bar called out, You'll need more ammo

For Guys joke, A guy walks into a bar

Guy walks into a bar with a gun and snarls who had sex with my wife!!!

A guy in the back replies

You don't have enough bullets

Iron Man is a very confusing character.

I know he's a guy but he could've been Fe Male.

Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The three CEOS then ask him, why aren't you ordering a Guinness?

He replies: "If you guys aren't drinking beer than neither will I."


My friends say there is a gay guy in our circle of friends

I really hope it's Todd, he's cute.

Why is 69 afraid of 70?

Because they once had a fight and 71.

#

Sorry guys.

A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.

Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job.
Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."

Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"

Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"

a guy got an Interview for a job with EA

Boss: the second part of your resume is missing

Applicant: for the second part you have to pay 20$

Boss: welcome on board

Our President Elect is a real tough guy...

The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.

Whats the difference between a golf ball and a G-spot?

Guys will actually look for the golf ball.

If I had a dollar for every racist thing I said

a black guy would probably rob me.

If light travels faster than the speed of sound...

how come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

2 blind guys were about to fight

I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins!
Both started running away.

I met two guys wearing matching clothing. So I asked them if they were gay.

They promptly arrested me

A Guy walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"

My town never changes population.

Everytime a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.

Premarital sex

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.

Dave said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Frank replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?

With the rise of self-driving vehicles...

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too

Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remember they feed off of attention.

EDIT 1: This blew up quick thanks guys :D

EDUT 2: When I typed edit 1 it had 500 upvotes now im waking up to 29K upvotes thanks eveyone :D

I watched the video of my wedding backwards.

I almost cried when I took the ring back, gave her back to her father, moonwalked out of the church, and went away, free.

Wow: I made it to front page! Thanks guys!

Why didn't the Japanese guy get a high five?

Because Logan Paul left him hanging.

A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat...

As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
 
Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?
 
The clerk said, Kiss my ass… get out… and stay out!
 
The man said, Yes, that's the one.  Do you have it in paperback?

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.

But it's really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

A guy with a stutter died in prison

before he could finish his sentence.

A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."

A guy was screaming at the TV Run idiot, run!

His wife walked in and asked Are you watching a horror movie? . He said No. It's our wedding tape

How about an Indian joke?

A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts "Is there a doctor here?"

A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"

She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"

Have you heard about the guy with 5 penises?

His underwear fits like a glove.

Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.

Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

I saw 2 guys wearing matching outfits and asked if they were gay.

They arrested me.

I buy my guns from a guy named T-Rex

He's a small arms dealer.

Guy goes into a bar

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve beers and starts drinking them as fast as he can.


The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "Only 75 cents."

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?

I heard he made a mint.

Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.

He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.

Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol?

Police think it is race-related

If a guy is addicted to masturbating but then gets addicted to sex...

Is it fair to say his addiction is getting out of hand?

A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

The guy asks "what's this about?". the bartender replies, "well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You want to have a go?" The guy replies, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."

Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !

Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex.

Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?

Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.

Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger.

Doctor: Exactly.

I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...

A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chair. The people in the cafe and the guy that told him are confused and ask what happened. The man says "this son of a bitch was just exaggerating, firstly, it was just a couple of trees he made it out like it was a forest, secondly, best friend he says?! It turns out I don't even know the guy". Thank you

A guy just finishes his lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery...

The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.

The man excitedly ~~replys~~ replies, "I'll take the good news first."

The surgeon tells him, "well you're about to get a new dog."

A guy goes to his doctor because he can see into the future.

The doctor asks him - How long have you suffered from that condition?
The guy tells him - Since next Monday.

A couple of Italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang

One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."

The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"

"I don't know"

"Actress?"

"I don't know."

"Singer?"

"I don't know."

"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"

The guy pulls out a newspaper and points to the headline. "Virginia Pipeline blows 50 men dead."

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead: "I'm afraid he died last week," she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you," the wife replies, "he died last week." The day after he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts: "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

"Cos" He replies laughing, "I just love hearing it..."

A homeless guy asked me for money today

So I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a $20 bill. I thought to myself "Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?...Nah" So I gave him the 20.

I got pulled over and my vape was in my cup holder.

The cop said you know, the news says those things are killing people.

I chuckled and said they're saying the same thing about you guys.

He didn't laugh.

A college professor reminds her class of the next day's final exam saying, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

Girl: Come over

Guy: I'm coming over

Girl: We should stop using Walkie-Talkies in bed over

A guy says to his wife: "Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!"

Wife: "So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?

He: Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way...

two hardcore trump supporters die and ascend to heaven.

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions.
One of them says, yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud? .

God says, "my son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232 .

After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers, This goes higher up than we thought .

A girl tells her mom she's dating the guy next door

The mom's like you can't date him he could be your dad

And the daughter is like so there's an age difference who cares

I think you misunderstood me

Four guys are playing golf together and talking about how successful their sons are.

The first says, "My son is so successful, he's VP of his company and just gave his best friend a car. "

The second says, " That's nothing, my son is CEO of his company and just gave his best friend a house."

The third says, "Well, my son owns 3 highly profitable companies and just gave his best friend a jet."

They look expectantly at the last guy who says, "My son is a gay escort who gets showered with love and admiration. He just got a car, a house, and a jet from three of his clients."

Girls, if a guy remembers your birthday, saves your pictures knows what you enjoy and understands your family and friends,

This guy is not your man.
This guy is Mark Zuckerberg.

A guy sat next to me in the bus today and pulled out a photo of his wife.

He asked me Ain't she beautiful?

I said If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife

He replied with Why, is she a stunner as well?

I said No, she's an optician


Cr

Alright guys, the Suez Canal jokes are getting a bit old now.

That ship has sailed.

A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"

God said, "Sure, just a second."

A black guy in a library asked me where the colored printers were.

I said, "Dude, it's 2021, you can use any printer you want."

I gave a homeless guy $5 today

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife!

He said, "Why? Is she super-hot too?

I said, "No, she's an optometrist!"

Trojan isn't a good name for a condom.

Didn't the real Trojan horse burst and loads of little guys came pouring out of it?

Stallone: I'm making a movie about composers. I'm playing Vivaldi.

VanDamme: I'll be Mozart.

Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys I'm not saying it.

The police are saying I "assaulted" some guy with a sheet of sandpaper.

But I only roughed him up a bit.

Life of a taxi driver

3 drunk guys entered a taxi. the driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine,turn it off again and said "We reached your destination" The first guy gave him money,the second guy said "thank you" then gave him money too,while the third guy slapped the taxi driver,the driver was shocked thinking the third guy knew what he did,the driver asked "What was that for?" the third guy replied "Control your speed next time, you've nearly killed us!"

A guy walks into a bar and asks for 10 shots of the establishment's finest single malt scotch. The bartender sets him up, and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then takes the last shot in the row and does the same. The bartender asks, Why did you do that?

the guy replies, Well the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick!

What's meaner than a pit bull with AIDS?

The guy that gave it to him.

Guys We gotta stop giving fat people such a hard time

They got enough on their plate as it is.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the for guys three guys jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working for guys three guys walk into a bar piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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