Football Player Jokes
112 football player jokes and hilarious football player puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about football player that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Football Player Short Jokes
Short football player jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The football player humour may include short footballer jokes also.
- Do you know the football player whose missing 75% of his spine? He's the Quarterback.
(My 2nd joke attempt X\_X) - If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer.
- Hands down, Pele was the greatest football player of all time. Hands up, he'd be thrown out of the game as that's against the rules.
- A football player goes to the doctor and says "It hurts when I touch my face, elbow and knee." The doctor says, "You've broken your finger"
- Did you hear about the Football player that went to Prison? He went in as a tight end, but left a wide receiver.
- how many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, but they'll give 'em four credits for it.
- How many Alabama football players does it take to change a light bulb? The entire team, and they all get a semester's credit for it.
- Why don't University of Wisconsin football players ever date University of Minnesota cheerleaders? Ever seen what a badger does to a gopher hole?
- I used to be the worst player on my football team but then I moved to America Now I'm the worst on my soccer team
- What's the difference between an NFL player and football player? When you pat an NFL player on the shoulder, they feel better. But the other gets hospitalized right away.
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Football Player One Liners
Which football player one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with football player? I can suggest the ones about soccer player and nfl player.
- How do you get a football player to stop resisting arrest? Sing the national anthem
- What does the average Alabama football player get on his SATs? Drool
- What did the football player say to the flight attendant? Put me in coach.
- Why don't any American football players wear glasses? Because it is a contact sport!
- Where do football players go for new uniforms? New Jersey
- What's a football player's favorite ice cream? Any given sundae
- What's the worst thing that can happen to a football player? To have no goal in life.
- Where do hungry football players eat? At the supper bowl.
- What are the toughest 4 years of a football player's life? 5th grade
- Who is Ghlislane Maxwells favorite American Football player? Chase Young
- Why did the football player go to the bank? To get his quarterback.
- What do you get when you return a purchase to a football player? A quarter back
- Football players are so optimistic They have such high goals
- Why do football players never fly first class? They always say "Put me in coach!"
- Why did football player cross the road? His girlfriend on the other side of the road.
Amusing Football Player Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends
What funny jokes about football player you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean basketball player jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make football player pranks.
An apartment building is on fire. Firefighters are on the scene, however both their ladder and life net are broken. A star quarterback sees the commotion and asks, "What's happening? Can I help?" The fire chief says, "There's a mother and baby stuck in the building on the 19th floor! The mother is up there in the window. Can you catch her child?" The mother frantically waves down to the men below and the football player shouts up to her, "Go ahead, I'm ready!" He holds his arms out and the women drops the infant. Just when the quarterback deftly catches the child, he spikes it to the ground yelling, "TOUCHDOWN!"
An apartment building is on fire. Firefighters are on the scene, however both their ladder and life net are broken. A star quarterback sees the commotion and asks, "What's happening? Can I help?" The fire chief says, "There's a mother and baby stuck in the building on the 19th floor! The mother is up there in the window. Can you catch her child?" The mother frantically waves down to the men below and the football player shouts up to her, "Go ahead, I'm ready!" He holds his arms out and the women drops the infant. Just when the quarterback deftly catches the child, he spikes it to the ground yelling, "TOUCHDOWN!"
A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"
Q: How can you tell if a University of Tennessee football player is married?
A: There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.
Q: What's the difference between an NFL player and an elevator?
A: The elevator can raise a child.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is the difference between a football player and a new p**...?
The football player *kicks* *punts.*
Who's the most meta player on a Football team?
The PUNter.
Football and accountancy in one joke
A Sunday League football team is desperate for players. So desperate in fact that one Sunday they are forced to play a chicken. Rather surprisingly the chicken has a brilliant first half. One minute it's clearing off its own line, the next threading the perfect through ball, the next putting in a perfect cross.
At half time all its team-mates are very pleased and everyone runs back onto the pitch for the second half.
On the way the ref starts chatting with the chicken.
"Great first half mate, you must be really fit".
"Thanks", replied the chicken, "I try to keep myself fit but its difficult finding the time so I try to do an hour in the gym each morning before work".
"What do you do then?" asked the ref.
"I'm a chartered accountant" replies the chicken.
At this point the ref immediately brandishes the red card and sends the chicken off. The bemused team-mates gather round the ref and start complaining.
"Sorry lads", says the ref, "I had no choice - *Professional fowl*".
Why don't the blondes like football?
A blonde went to the Super Bowl and someone asked her afterwards how she liked it. She said she enjoyed many aspects of the experience, but she didn't understand why all the players were fighting so hard over 25 cents. She was asked what she meant. She said, "Well, before the game, they flipped a quarter and one team started out with it. For the rest of the game, they kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back.' Hellooooo?! It's only 25 cents, people."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A football player is seriously ill
On a press conference the coach of a famous football team announces that their best player, George d**..., won't be playing in the next game. After the conference a reporter comes up to the coach and asks "Just wanted to check if you're okay with the headline... it'll be 'Team plays without d**...' "
"Nah, that doesn't sound good. Change it"
So when the coach checked the newspaper the next morning, the headline read "Team plays with d**... out!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Was wearing my Michigan shirt at the gym when an elderly man walked up to me...
A beautiful blonde woman visits the doctor for an annual checkup. The doctor looks her over from head to toe doing his routine tests on her. Standing there n**... still, the woman asks the doctor if she seems ok. The doctor looks at her and say, "Ma'am, you're perfectly healthy. The only thing I am concerned about is the giant "W" indented perfectly in the center of your chest."
The woman immediately responds, "Oh, my boyfriend is a college football player and he insists he wears his jersey during s**...."
The intrigued doctor asks, "Oh my, you're boyfriend plays for Wisconsin?!"
The blonde answers quickly, "No. Michigan."
How many Brazilian national football players does it take to change a lightbulb?
No one knows - every time they pick one up, they end up giving it away.
Star football player Steve was about to be sacked for bad grades . . .
. . . but the team was on a winning streak, and he was badly needed. The head coach pleaded with the college president, and managed to convince him to allow the student to continue to play if he could spell just one word correctly. "Okay, Steve," the coach told him. "It's an easy one. Just spell the name of your favorite drink." "Sure coach. Khaphy."
What don't football players NOT want to do during the Super Bowl?
Let it Go
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a football player and a bank robber?
The bank robber says: Give me the money or I will shoot!
The football player says: Give me the money or I won't shoot.
In the future, they'll pick the suspect out of a football player lineup.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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This is my favorite least offensive offensive joke
Which football player gets the most wedgies? The tight ends.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Flordia football players have been suspended for Saturday's game vs. Tennessee for refusing to take a u**... test...
I guess you might say u**... or your out.
What do a homeless woman and an American football player have in common?
They both take their pads off after four periods
Did you hear what michael vick said about getting back into football?
He said that he feels a bit out of it from his years away, but he enjoys watching all of the players fight like dogs.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Who is Monica Lewinsky's favorite football player?
Ha Ha Clinton d**...
If Amy Schumer was a football player, what team would she play for?
The Stealers.
An Australian travels to Houston for business, and sees who he suspects to be a famous football player. So he decides to ask him....
You Watt, mate?
Top 10 Showboat Players in Football 2015/2016 Volume 2
HAHAHAH
Why was the Icelandic football player called into his manager's office?
He had a cavity.
How many football players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but he gets three credits for it!
Hades is a like a Highschool Football Player
Hades was able to secure a pretty girl, trick her to eat swallowing his seeds, and now she has to live with him, all while her mother despises him.
Why did the football player tackle the phone booth?
To get his quarter back! Hahahahahha
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a gay football player from Green Bay?
A f**...
If football had never existed,
messi would've been just a normal guy. Maybe I'm the best player of a sport that doesn't exist and that's why I'm a normal guy.
Got a job offer to measure the players of a major league vs. prison team football game.
I really had to weigh the pros and cons.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I guess Aaron Hernandez and I are not too different after all
I too would kill to be a rich and famous football player
Alabama college kid visiting Boston
So this Alabama Crimson Tide football player is visiting Boston. He's at a party and sees this pretty blonde girl, want to chat her up.
Goes over and says "What college does you go to?" She's not impressed by his down south accent and general rural hick ways, so she says "Yale." and looks away.
He lean over to her ear and says "WHAT COLLEGE DOES YOU GO TO?"
What do call a football player that's good between the sheets?
Aaron Hernandez
If two teams of football players hosted a game at a beach..
Would it be a Jersey Shore?
What does a Patriot football player and a Patriot football have in common?
They deflate under pressure.
Football is simple.
22 players, 1 ball and Germany wins in the end. That's the biggest difference between football and world wars.
What do you call a football player who was bitten by a tick?
A lymebacker
I don't understand why people are so mad about football players taking a knee
Its a solid strategy for running out the clock in the 4th quarter.
Did you see the Alabama football player who proposed after he won the national championship last night?
His sister started crying and could barely give him a clear answer
Le'veon Bell is a famous football player,
However his fame fails in comparison to his older brother, Taco.
Two football players are practicing
One asks the other: "Do you want the ball?"
The other one answers: "No thanks, I'll pass."
A football player was late to conditioning practice
His coach asked "Why are you late?"
The player replies "I was shampooing. I always shampoo before conditioning."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?
Gracias.
What do you call a sandwich made out of a football player?
A grilled Brees
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A football team loses its star player Dante d**... due to an injury...
The next day, the paper reads "Team will play without d**...."
Outraged, the team manager demands that the newspaper change the title and resubmit their article.
The next day, the headline reads "Team to play with d**... out."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Neymar, the Brazilian football player, had his first parenting lesson with his new son this morning.
"Right," said the midwife, "what should you do if he starts crying and having a tantrum?"
"Show him a yellow card and tell him to get up off the f*****g floor," replied the baby....
Brazil have sent star player Neymar to Thailand to help rescue the young footballers in the cave
...they heard they needed someone to teach them how to dive
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Glad we didn't see the Thailand football team in the World Cup.
I hear their youth players are very good divers
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you know the thai football team are fair football players?
Because they don't know how to dive.
What do you call an incontinent defensive player in American football?
A piddle linebacker
Who is the greatest American football player?
David Beckham
What did the NFL player say to the comedian after hearing a cruel joke about football?
That was an offensive line, man.
No matter how loud you yell, no one will hear your screams.
Criticising football players is impossible.
"I was the man of the match in the football game we played yesterday."
"Really?"
"Yea, the rest of the players were women."
Football Player Jason Verret was ruled out of the 2018 NFL season today...
Turns out his Achilles heel, was his Achilles heel!
Legendary football player Wayne Rooney helped DC United clinch a spot in the MLS playoffs yesterday
This news fell on deaf ears in the capitol, as Donald Trump had tweeted earlier in the day.
Why did the black football player go to jail?
He was on a high school field trip.
Football players are concerned about concussions affecting cognitive abilities
But I don't think they are that big of a deal; I've had a few and I'm doing ju
Why don't fantasy football players use the Buccaneers QB?
Because I'm already Winston.
Which football club has the maximum chicken players?
KFC
The Grecian Gods vs the Greeks
Zeus and his human friend Spiro were watching a game of football, the gods versus the humans. Spiro looked around the pitch at all the players and then saw an absolute unit of a player, a half horse, half human professional. Spiro asked Zeus, Hey, who's that player over there? Zeus responded, That's our teams centaur-forward .
It was decided that a great banquet would be held to honor Midwestern athletes
The organizers decided to invite twelve of America's finest sportsmen, specifically Cleveland baseball players and Kansas City (American) footballers. Six special chairs were made with the Cleveland logo, and six with the Kansas City. On the night of the banquet, though, there was a problem. Seven KC players showed up, while only five Clevelanders did. Since the special chairs could not be fixed, this was a calamity! The evening's host decided to contact the chief organizer, who could not attend due to a conflict.
"What's the issue?" barked the suit.
Responded his deputy, "We've got too many Chiefs, and not enough Indians."
Why don't football players get hot during the superbowl?
Because the stadium is filled with fans.
What do you call it when a football player gets so many concussions it starts to degrade their cognition?
Touchdowns
Three fans were bemoaning the sorry state of their football team.
I blame the general manager, said the first fan. If he signed better players, we'd be a great team.
I blame the players, said the second fan. If they made more of an effort, we'd score some points.
I blame my parents, said the third. If I'd been born in Seattle, I'd be supporting a decent team.
Q: What do you say to an Oregon Ducks football player in a suit?
A: Will the defendent please rise.
