football Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious football puns

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

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I asked my wife if I should watch football or porn.

She told me to watch porn because I already know how to play football.

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I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football.

Nobody expects the Spanish in position.

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Osama Bin Laden appeared in a video recently claiming to be alive

Among other things, he also commented on how shitty the English football team had become.

British Intelligence, however, have dismissed it saying that it could have been recorded anytime during the last 44 years.

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Smart first grader

A first-grade teacher can't believe her student isn't hepped-up about the Super Bowl. It's a huge event. Why aren't you excited?

Because I'm not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too, says the student.

Well, that's a lousy reason, says the teacher. What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?

Then I'd be a football fan.

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Losing my virginity was like my first football game.

It hurt a lot but at least my dad came.

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My first highschool football game was a lot like my first time having sex...

I was pretty roughed up, sore, and kinda bloody, but at least my dad came (:

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My first time having sex was alot like my first football game

It was painful, it was tiring

But at least my dad came

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Why are Italians so good at football?

Because it involves changing sides halfway through.

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My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex..

I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.

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A Jew, a Catholic, and a Mormon are drinking together.

The Jew boasts about his fertility

"I have 4 sons; one more and I'll have a basketball team!"

"That's nothing," says the Catholic, "I have 10 sons! I almost have a football team!"

The Jew and Catholic looked expectantly at the Mormon. "Well?"

"I have 17 wives. I almost have a golf course!"

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What is the objective of jewish football?

To get the quarter back.

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My first time having sex was a lot like my first high-school football game.

I was bruised and bloody in the end but at least my dad came.

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8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!

11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.

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What's the point of Jewish football?

To get the quarter back.

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I saw a billboard the other day for a sports team called the Chicago Fire.

it made me wonder just how long it takes before you can name a team after a tragedy.

it'd be like naming a football team "the New York Jets."

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It was my first day at a new school.

When I arrived, I wanted to make sure nobody would pick on me so I walked up to the captain of the football team and punched him in the face. He fell to the ground, unconscious. From that day forward, everyone knew not to mess with the new principal.

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How do you get a football player to stop resisting arrest?

Sing the national anthem

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What does the average Alabama football player get on his SATs?

Drool

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The England Football Team visited an Orphanage in Russia yesterday..

"It's heart breaking to see their little faces with no hope", said Vladimir, aged 6.

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Crossing the Border

A young Mexican man decides he wants to see a bit of America. He swims across the Rio Grande and finds a college football game about to start. He doesn't have any money to get in, so he climbs a flag pole to watch the game. Later that night he swims back across the river and tells his family how friendly the Americans all were, as they all turned to him at the start of the game and asked together, "Jose, can you see?"

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How many hearts can the Belgium football team break at once?

About a brazilian...

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A Swede and an Italian meet in a pub.

The Italian says, 'I'd rather not talk abut football if you don't mind.'
The Swede replies, 'We could talk about sex.'
'yeah, sex is good.' says the Italian.
The Swede: 'WELL WE CERTAINLY FUCKED YOU.'

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A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting...

The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."

The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."

To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

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If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?

The police officer.

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What's the objective of Jewish football?

To get the quarterback.

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English, American and Arab guy bragging in a bar about their large family.

The American says: "I have 4 kids. One more, and I can make a basketball team!"

The English says: "I have 10 kids. One more, and I can make a football ("soccer") team!"

The Arab guy says: "I have 17 wifes. One more, and I can make a golf course!"

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The Nigerian football team were so disappointed with Saturday's performance that they have said they will personally refund all expenses to fans who travelled to support them.

All they need to do is send bank details, sort codes & PINs, and they will transfer the money directly …

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What's the aim of a Jewish football match?

Getting the quarterback.

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My first football game was like the first time I had sex...

At the end I was bloody but at least my dad came.

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Did you hear about the gay football coach?

He turns tight ends into wide receivers

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Why don't any American football players wear glasses?

Because it is a contact sport!

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I was at a football game. Sold out stadium, but the guy next to me had an empty seat next to himself...

...As the game wore on, I asked him "Who's seat is that?" He looked at me sadly and said "That was my wife's seat but she passed away."
"I'm sorry to hear that." I replied. "You don't have any other family that might want to come to the game with you?" He shook his head and said "Nah... they're all at the funeral"

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A first-grade teacher can't believe her student

A first-grade teacher can't 
believe her student isn't hepped up about the Super Bowl. It's a huge event. Why aren't you excited?

Because I'm not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too, says the student.

Well, that's a lousy reason, says the teacher. What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?

Then I'd be a football fan.

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I once spent a month in prison.

I once spent a month in the slammer.

It wasn't that bad. The guards were friendly. My cell-mate was a cool guy. The food was better than my wife's. I didn't see any fights. I wasn't assaulted or raped.

On my last day a guard walked me out to the exit gate. We chatted about football on the way. As the gate opened he said to me, "Goodbye and good luck. How do you feel?"

"I feel good, man," I replied. "I'm happy to finally be out."

Then he smacked me hard across the skull with his baton, drawing blood. I was like, "What the hell, dude?"

"That's for ending your sentence with a preposition."

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What are the best Football jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Football? Well, here are the best Football dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Football pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes