Football Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Football puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Football

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football.

Nobody expects the Spanish in position.

Smart first grader

A first-grade teacher can't believe her student isn't hepped-up about the Super Bowl. It's a huge event. Why aren't you excited?

Because I'm not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too, says the student.

Well, that's a lousy reason, says the teacher. What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?

Then I'd be a football fan.

Losing my virginity was like my first football game.

It hurt a lot but at least my dad came.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

My first time having sex was alot like my first football game

It was painful, it was tiring

But at least my dad came

Why are Italians so good at football?

Because it involves changing sides halfway through.

A Jew, a Catholic, and a Mormon are drinking together.

The Jew boasts about his fertility

"I have 4 sons; one more and I'll have a basketball team!"

"That's nothing," says the Catholic, "I have 10 sons! I almost have a football team!"

The Jew and Catholic looked expectantly at the Mormon. "Well?"

"I have 17 wives. I almost have a golf course!"

What is the objective of jewish football?

To get the quarter back.

8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!

11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.

I saw a billboard the other day for a sports team called the Chicago Fire.

it made me wonder just how long it takes before you can name a team after a tragedy.

it'd be like naming a football team "the New York Jets."

It was my first day at a new school.

When I arrived, I wanted to make sure nobody would pick on me so I walked up to the captain of the football team and punched him in the face. He fell to the ground, unconscious. From that day forward, everyone knew not to mess with the new principal.

How do you get a football player to stop resisting arrest?

Sing the national anthem

What does the average Alabama football player get on his SATs?

Drool

The England Football Team visited an Orphanage in Russia yesterday..

"It's heart breaking to see their little faces with no hope", said Vladimir, aged 6.

Crossing the Border

A young Mexican man decides he wants to see a bit of America. He swims across the Rio Grande and finds a college football game about to start. He doesn't have any money to get in, so he climbs a flag pole to watch the game. Later that night he swims back across the river and tells his family how friendly the Americans all were, as they all turned to him at the start of the game and asked together, "Jose, can you see?"

How many hearts can the Belgium football team break at once?

About a brazilian...

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting...

The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."

The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."

To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?

The police officer.

Losing my virginity was a lot like my first football game

There was blood and snot everywhere, but at least my dad came

English, American and Arab guy bragging in a bar about their large family.

The American says: "I have 4 kids. One more, and I can make a basketball team!"

The English says: "I have 10 kids. One more, and I can make a football ("soccer") team!"

The Arab guy says: "I have 17 wifes. One more, and I can make a golf course!"

The Nigerian football team were so disappointed with Saturday's performance that they have said they will personally refund all expenses to fans who travelled to support them.

All they need to do is send bank details, sort codes & PINs, and they will transfer the money directly …

What's the aim of a Jewish football match?

Getting the quarterback.

Did you hear about the gay football coach?

He turns tight ends into wide receivers

Why don't any American football players wear glasses?

Because it is a contact sport!

I was at a football game. Sold out stadium, but the guy next to me had an empty seat next to himself...

...As the game wore on, I asked him "Who's seat is that?" He looked at me sadly and said "That was my wife's seat but she passed away."
"I'm sorry to hear that." I replied. "You don't have any other family that might want to come to the game with you?" He shook his head and said "Nah... they're all at the funeral"

I was at the football game the other day...

It was the biggest game of the season, and all the seats were taken. Because of this, my buddies had to sit further away from me

I looked over and saw the two seats to my left were empty. Curious, I asked the guy beside the empty seats if anyone was coming for them.

"My wife was supposed to come, but she passed away recently," he replied.

I apologized and offered my condolences. "And the other empty seat?" I asked him.

"My best friend was supposed to come with us," he answered. I asked him why his best friend didn't come.

The man replied, "Oh, he's at the funeral!".

It's Jim's birthday

Jim's wife treats her man by taking him to a Strip Club for his birthday... At The Club, The Doorman Says, "Hey Jimmy, How are You?" The wife asks, "How does he know you? Jimmy says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?" Jimmy says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team." Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do You Crave the Special Again??" The wife storms out dragging Jimmy with her & jumps into a taxi... The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Jimmy Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time...."

Adam and Eve

When God made Adam he noticed that Adam was sad and asked what was wrong.

Adam - I'm lonely.

God - That's no good! How about I make you a companion? One that is gorgeous, give you mind blowing sex, will cook and clean, and doesn't mind it when you spend time with the guys or watch football?

Adam - That sounds awesome! What will it cost me?

God - An arm and a leg!

Adam - What can I get for a rib?

Football with a blonde girlfriend

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

The reason women don't play football

The reason women don't play football is that eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

The engineer and the mathematician

A mathematician and an engineer are at a bar when the most beautiful woman either of them has ever seen approaches them.

She takes them to a football field and tells them, "I'm going to stand on the far goal line, and you'll stand on this one. Whichever of you reaches me first can do whatever you want to me."

"There are two rules, however. Your first move can only be to the fifty yard line, and each move following can only be half the distance of the previous."

The woman walks to the far side to the far goal line, and the race begins.

The mathematician, upon seeing her reach the goal line, breaks down in tears, because he knows that he can never make it to the far goal.

The engineer takes off immediately. He knows he can never reach her, but he can certainly get close enough for all practical purposes.

Why was Cinderella kicked out of the football team?

She ran away from the ball.

The England football team went to visit an orphanage in Russia this morning.

"It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Anatoly, aged 6.

Why is Cinderella so bad at football?

A. Because she's got a pumpkin for a coach

B. Because she keeps running away from the ball

A Jew, A Catholic, and a Mormon are in a bar discussing their families...

...The Jew says "I have 8 kids, one more and I'll have enough for a baseball team!" The Catholic says "I have 10 kids, one more and I'll have enough for a football team!" The Mormon says "That's nothing, I have 17 wives, one more and I'll have enough for a golf course!"

Did you hear about the baby ghost who joined the football team?

He heard the coach say they needed a little team spirit.

4 football fans were in a plane crash

They all survive, until one day. The barcelona fan dies. So the 3 remaining fans decide they should eat the part of him depending on what team they like.

The first guy likes Liverpool, so he got to eat the liver.

The second guy likes Manchester, so he got to eat the chest.

The third guy starts to cry.

Whats wrong? Asks the other 2.

I like Arsenal..

Britons vs. Americans

Americans:
It's Mom not Mum
It's Chips not Crisps
It's Fries not Chips
It's Color not Colour
It's Soccer not Football
It's Football not Rugby

Britons:
It's School not Shooting Range.

Hahaha the football team

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on
coach, give him another chance!"

Got this joke off of a yogurt pack... Why are football stadiums so windy?

'This is not labelled for individual sales'


I know, I dont get it either...

A woman wakes her husband up at 2 AM, saying

"Quick, who's scored the highest number of goals in football, ever?"

"Klose", replied the groggy husband.

"And how many episodes of Breaking Bad are there in total?"

"Huh? Wait, let me...55, no, 62, there's 62 total episodes" he replied.

"Who was that girl in that 'Saved by the Bell' show, Kapowski?"

"Tiffani Thiessen, played Kelly Kapowski"

"And also, when'd that new girl, Sandy, move downstairs again?"

"Two months next Wednesday. What's going on honey?" asked the husband, now irritated.

"Yesterday was my birthday."

A joke my grandmother, of all people, told me when I was a kid.

I don't know how many of y'all have heard this joke, but here it goes.

Two guys were at a University of Georgia football game when one of them looks down at the Georgia Bulldog sidelines and sees Uga, the school mascot, licking himself like dogs like to do. The guy smiles, leans over to his buddy while pointing at Uga and says, "Man, I wish I could do that". His friend looks back at him in surprise and says, "Man, that dog would bite you!"

Before my buddy died I asked him if there was football in heaven.

A few days later I saw his ghost. He said

"Good news, there is. Bad news, you're playing in goal tomorrow."

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're on the team for this Saturday's match!"

As a Brit, I can't get into American football

They rugby the wrong way

Football joke

How do you keep the St. Louis Rams off of your lawn?

Paint an endzone on it.

what's al qaeda's favorite football team?

The New York Jets

Did you hear about the Football player that went to Prison?

He went in as a tight end, but left a wide receiver.

I used to play football for Jerry Sandusky.

I started out as a tight end but finished the season as a wide receiver.

Yesterday I was playing football for the first time in a year after suffering from a serious illness.

"You've still got it!" said somebody in the crowd.

Unfortunately it was the doctor with my latest test results.

A British girl meets a guy...

And they hit it off immediately. The girl goes to her dad the next day to tell him about it.

"Oh, dad, he's just the sweetest! He loves dancing and photography, he's great with kids, and he volunteers at an animal shelter. He's funny, handsome, a great listener, oh! and he's a goalie for a local football team. Oh dad, what do you think?"

Her dad looked at her with an odd expression and said "Oh honey...



... *he's a keeper*"

An Englishman, a Welshman and an Arab met over coffee..

...at a convention.

''I am happily married,'' said the Englishman, ''and have 10 children. One more and I shall have my own football team."

''I am happily married,'' said the Welshman ''and have 14 children. One more and I shall have my own Rugby team."

''I am also happily married,'' said the Arab ''and have 17 wives. One more and I shall have my own Golf course.''

I drove by the local jailhouse today. The inmates were out in the yard playing football. I slowed down and yelled,

"Pass me the ball, I'm free!"

How do you set fire to a football stadium?

With a match.

A Jewish guy, a Catholic guy and a Mormon are having dinner together...

...and they are bragging about their families.

"My wife and I have 4 strapping young boys" says the Jewish man. "If we have one more, we would have our own basketball team."

"Well, good for you" says the Catholic. "But we have 10 healthy sons. If we would have one more we would have our own football team."

"That's nothing" says the Mormon. "I have 17 wives. If I have one more I would have my own golf course."

The full time football result is in:
Real Madrid - 4...

Surreal Madrid - fish

Goldilocks and the Three Bears (American Football Fans Will Understand)

Mama bear and Papa bear are getting a divorce after the fiasco with Goldilocks, but they must decide custody of baby bear.
The judge takes baby bear aside, and asks politely, "Would you like to live with Papa Bear?"
"No," Baby Bear answers, "Papa Bear beats me!"
"Oh no." the judge replies. "Then you can live with Mama Bear."
"No!" Baby Bear exclaims. "She beats me too!"
"Oh dear." Says the judge. "Well then, who do you want to live with?"
"I want to live with the Chicago Bears because they never beat anyone!"*

*This isn't true as the Bears are the best team ever.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes