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Football Jokes

140 football jokes and hilarious football puns to laugh out loud. Read sport jokes about football that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Like the adrenaline-charged essence of an intense football game, football jokes hold the allure of team spirit, timely wit, and are as varied as the sport itself. Perfect for bringing a touch of levity to your pre-game discussions, halftime chats, or for adding some engaging fun to a sports-themed party, these football jokes score right on the humor goalpost.

They do not only celebrate the sport's unpredictable nature but also connect fellow enthusiasts in shared smiles. From tackles and free kicks to dramatic extra time and nail-biting penalties - indulge in our collection of football humor and be ready to grip your audience's attention with some football-related chuckles. After all, a good laugh is as priceless as a well-earned goal, isn't it?

Funniest Football Short Jokes

Short football jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The football humour may include short sports jokes also.

  1. My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it. I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.
  2. What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team? A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...
    Bit of British humour right there ;)
  3. I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football. Nobody expects the spanish in position.
  4. Do you know the Football player whose missing 75% of his spine? He's the Quarterback.

    (My 2nd joke attempt X\_X)
  5. Losing my virginity was like my first football game. It hurt a lot but at least my dad came.
  6. 19:45 We can't continue this way. You have to choose. Football or me? 22:00 Of course I choose you, honey!
  7. 8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?! 11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.
  8. Did you know, that if you take all of the human organs and spread them out on a football field. You get arrested
  9. The england football Team visited an Orphanage in Russia yesterday.. "It's heart breaking to see their little faces with no hope", said Vladimir, aged 6.
  10. If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer.

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Football One Liners

Which football one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with football? I can suggest the ones about soccer and league.

  1. Why are Italians so good at football? Because it involves changing sides halfway through.
  2. What is the objective of jewish football? To get the quarter back.
  3. How do you get a football player to stop resisting arrest? Sing the national anthem
  4. What does the average Alabama football player get on his SATs? Drool
  5. How many hearts can the belgium football team break at once? About a brazilian...
  6. I rolled my first joint last night! Today I have an ankle the size of a football. :(
  7. What did the football player say to the flight attendant? Put me in coach.
  8. What's the aim of a Jewish football match? Getting the quarterback.
  9. Did you hear about the gay football coach? He turns tight ends into wide receivers
  10. Why don't any American football players wear glasses? Because it is a contact sport!
  11. Why was Cinderella kicked out of the football team? She ran away from the ball.
  12. What's the Objective of Jewish Football? To get the quarter back.
  13. As a Brit, I can't get into American football They rugby the wrong way
  14. what's al qaeda's favorite football team? The New York Jets
  15. How do you set fire to a football stadium? With a match.

Football Team Jokes

Here is a list of funny football team jokes and even better football team puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What's the difference between Maddie mccann and the England football team Only one of them is coming home
  • Did you hear about the baby ghost who joined the football team? He heard the coach say they needed a little team spirit.
  • What is 5 feet tall, has 22 legs and feigns death if you approach it up to two meters? The Italy national football team.
  • Why aren't there many female football teams? Because you can't convince 11 women to wear the same clothes
  • What is 1.60 m high, has 22 legs and feigns death if you touch it? The Italy national football team.
  • The England Football team..... visited a Brazilian orphanage this morning. 'It's heartbreak to see their sad little faces with no hope' said Jose, age 6.
  • Why doesn't Pakistan have its national football team? Whenever they get a corner, they will set up a shop.
  • A football team should setup a charity that gives presents to children with Down Syndrome ...and call it Touch Downs.
  • Washington DC should name their football team the Lobbyists. They never lose.
  • What's the iPhone's favorite football team? The Chargers.

Football Player Jokes

Here is a list of funny football player jokes and even better football player puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Hands down, Pele was the greatest football player of all time. Hands up, he'd be thrown out of the game as that's against the rules.
  • A football player goes to the doctor and says "It hurts when I touch my face, elbow and knee." The doctor says, "You've broken your finger"
  • Did you hear about the Football player that went to Prison? He went in as a tight end, but left a wide receiver.
  • Where do football players go for new uniforms? New Jersey
  • Why don't football players wear glasses? It's a contact sport.
  • how many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, but they'll give 'em four credits for it.
  • Did you hear about the football player who went to jail? He went in a tight end and came out a wide receiver.
  • What's a football player's favorite ice cream? Any given sundae
  • What's the worst thing that can happen to a football player? To have no goal in life.
  • Where do hungry football players eat? At the supper bowl.
Football joke, Where do hungry football players eat?

American Football Jokes

Here is a list of funny american football jokes and even better american football puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My friend spends 75% of his time playing American Football and the other 25% playing Baroque music. He's a quarterbach.
  • Did you know that people wearing glasses aren't allowed to play american football? That's because it's a contact sport.
  • Democracy and Football What does democracy and football have in common?
    \- adding the word American completely changes the meaning...
  • Who is Ghlislane Maxwells favorite American Football player? Chase Young
  • Why don't Polish people like playing American football? They can't defend against a blitz.
  • TIL College football is actually a combination of two American pastimes Coercive land grabbing, and exploiting unpaid black labor
  • What is the object of American football played by really cheap people? Get the quarter back.
  • How much is your height Indian:- My height is 167cms
    European :- My height is 182.5 cms
    American :- My height is 1/3675 of a Football field
  • FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL MY AMERICAN FRIENDS.... It's Mum not Mom
    It's crisps not chips
    It's chips not fries
    It's football not soccer
    It's rugby not football
    It's school not shooting range!
  • My new american football video game has so many glitches. It's really maddening

Football Fan Jokes

Here is a list of funny football fan jokes and even better football fan puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do fans do at hot, summer football games? Heat waves.
  • What would an English football fan do if England won the World Cup? Stop playing FIFA and go to bed.
  • ATTN: Brazilian football fans Don't feel too bad. Your team only lost by a touchdown.
  • Anybody a fan of college football? I heard the Miami Hurricanes are looking strong this year.
  • How do French football fans like their coffee? Au lait, au lait au lait au lait
  • What do University of Miami, Florida State, and University of Florida football fans have in common? None attended the University of Miami.
  • Why did the turkey get kicked out of the football stadium? He tripped a fan
  • Two windmills are in a field... ...And one says to the other, "Hey, do you like football?"
    The other one replies, "Yeah, I'm a big fan".
  • Lorius Karius That's it. That's the joke. Lorius Karius. (Football fans/ soccer fans will get it)
  • Two wind turbines are stood in a field. One wind turbine turns to the other. "Have you been watching the football recently?" asks the turbine.
    "No," says the other. "I'm not really a big fan."

Football Insults Jokes

Here is a list of funny football insults jokes and even better football insults puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Q: What do you get if you cross a football team with a flower center?
    A: Nottingham forest.
  • Q: What's the difference between an NFL player and an elevator?
    A: The elevator can raise a child.
Football joke

Cheeky Football Jokes to Experience Good Cheer & Frivolity

What funny jokes about football you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean athlete jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make football pranks.

A Scientologist, a Catholic, and a m**... are talking about their families.

The Scientologist jokes, "I've got 4 kids. One more and I'll have a basketball team!" The Catholic joins in and says, "Well I've got 10 kids, and one more I'll have a football team!". The m**... speaks up and deadpans. "I've got 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

Pavlov's birds

An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.

Smart first grader

A first-grade teacher can't believe her student isn't hepped-up about the Super Bowl. It's a huge event. Why aren't you excited?
Because I'm not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too, says the student.
Well, that's a lousy reason, says the teacher. What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?
Then I'd be a football fan.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

My first time having s**... was alot like my first football game

It was painful, it was tiring
But at least my dad came

A Jew, a Catholic, and a m**... are drinking together.

The Jew boasts about his fertility
"I have 4 sons; one more and I'll have a basketball team!"
"That's nothing," says the Catholic, "I have 10 sons! I almost have a football team!"
The Jew and Catholic looked expectantly at the m**.... "Well?"
"I have 17 wives. I almost have a golf course!"

I found a used football in a second hand store...

I picked it up and took it to the counter.
"How much is this?" I asked
"That'll be $5" said the owner. "Would you like me to pump it up for you?"
"Of course, thanks a lot!" I replied.
So, he got a small pump from under the counter and in a few seconds the ball was as good as new.
"Ok, all done" he said. "That'll be $10 please".
"$10!!!??!!" I replied. "But you said $5 just now".
He looked up and said "Sorry. Inflation".

I saw a billboard the other day for a sports team called the Chicago Fire.

it made me wonder just how long it takes before you can name a team after a tragedy.
it'd be like naming a football team "the New York Jets."

It was my first day at a new school.

When I arrived, I wanted to make sure nobody would pick on me so I walked up to the captain of the football team and punched him in the face. He fell to the ground, unconscious. From that day forward, everyone knew not to mess with the new principal.

A Woman goes to the Optician

for her annual eye test. The Optician puts a contraption her face and asks her what can she see.
"I see empty airports, I see empty football grounds. I see closed theatres, closed pubs and closed restaurants"
"That's perfect" says the Optician "You've got 2020 vision"

My wheelchair bound grandpa is in the nursing home.

I went to visit him for the first time. As we're discussing the local baseball team, he starts slowly leaning to the right in his chair. A nurse come running over and straightens him back up.
As the topic turns to football, he slowly starts leaning to the left. The same nurse rushes over to straighten him up again.
As she walked away, I asked:
Me: So gramps, how do you like living here so far?
A tear starts running down his face as he gets this wistful look in his eyes.
Grandpa: it's not too bad. I just wish they would let me f**....

Crossing the Border

A young Mexican man decides he wants to see a bit of America. He swims across the Rio Grande and finds a college football game about to start. He doesn't have any money to get in, so he climbs a flag pole to watch the game. Later that night he swims back across the river and tells his family how friendly the Americans all were, as they all turned to him at the start of the game and asked together, "Jose, can you see?"

A man goes to the Optician for his eye test.

The Optician asked him what he can see.
"I see empty airports, empty football grounds, closed theaters and closed pubs."
That's perfect says the Optician, you've got 2020 vision!

A Jew, a Catholic and a m**... were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting...

The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."
The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."
To which the m**... replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

Losing my virginity was a lot like my first football game

There was blood and snot everywhere, but at least my dad came

English, American and Arab guy bragging in a bar about their large family.

The American says: "I have 4 kids. One more, and I can make a basketball team!"
The English says: "I have 10 kids. One more, and I can make a football ("soccer") team!"
The Arab guy says: "I have 17 wifes. One more, and I can make a golf course!"

The Nigerian football team were so disappointed with Saturday's performance that they have said they will personally refund all expenses to fans who travelled to support them.

All they need to do is send bank details, sort codes & PINs, and they will transfer the money directly …

Adam and Eve

When God made Adam he noticed that Adam was sad and asked what was wrong.
Adam - I'm lonely.
God - That's no good! How about I make you a companion? One that is gorgeous, give you mind blowing s**..., will cook and clean, and doesn't mind it when you spend time with the guys or watch football?
Adam - That sounds awesome! What will it cost me?
God - An arm and a leg!
Adam - What can I get for a rib?

I was at a football game. Sold out stadium, but the guy next to me had an empty seat next to himself...

...As the game wore on, I asked him "Who's seat is that?" He looked at me sadly and said "That was my wife's seat but she passed away."
"I'm sorry to hear that." I replied. "You don't have any other family that might want to come to the game with you?" He shook his head and said "Nah... they're all at the f**..."

It's Jim's birthday

Jim's wife treats her man by taking him to a s**... Club for his birthday... At The Club, The Doorman Says, "Hey Jimmy, How are You?" The wife asks, "How does he know you? Jimmy says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?" Jimmy says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team." Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do You Crave the Special Again??" The wife storms out dragging Jimmy with her & jumps into a taxi... The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Jimmy Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time...."

Tell you what, it's lucky that those Kids trapped in the cave in Thailand are footballers

It means they're already good divers.

So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback.

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get r**...!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!

The engineer and the mathematician

A mathematician and an engineer are at a bar when the most beautiful woman either of them has ever seen approaches them.
She takes them to a football field and tells them, "I'm going to stand on the far goal line, and you'll stand on this one. Whichever of you reaches me first can do whatever you want to me."
"There are two rules, however. Your first move can only be to the fifty yard line, and each move following can only be half the distance of the previous."
The woman walks to the far side to the far goal line, and the race begins.
The mathematician, upon seeing her reach the goal line, breaks down in tears, because he knows that he can never make it to the far goal.
The engineer takes off immediately. He knows he can never reach her, but he can certainly get close enough for all practical purposes.

So there's this football team that needs to take a plane for their next game and all have first class seats.

Unfortunately the airline overbooked first class and one of the player's has to give up their seat.
The team captain steps up and says, "put me in coach."

I was at the football game the other day...

It was the biggest game of the season, and all the seats were taken. Because of this, my buddies had to sit further away from me
I looked over and saw the two seats to my left were empty. Curious, I asked the guy beside the empty seats if anyone was coming for them.
"My wife was supposed to come, but she passed away recently," he replied.
I apologized and offered my condolences. "And the other empty seat?" I asked him.
"My best friend was supposed to come with us," he answered. I asked him why his best friend didn't come.
The man replied, "Oh, he's at the f**...!".

A man is caught with the car full of penguins

the policeman says: "you have to take these animals to the zoo, or else I'll fine you!", the man agrees and leaves. The next day the same policeman again picks up the man with a car full of penguins.
The cop says: "didn't I tell you to take the penguins to the zoo?". The man replies: "I took them, now I'm going to take them to a football game."

Football with a blonde girlfriend

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

why was Cindrella not selected in any football club?

Because she kept running away from the ball

A Baptist a Catholic and a m**... were talking about their families. . .

The Baptist says I have 4 kids, just one more and I'll have a basketball team. The Catholic says That's nice but I have 10 kids, one more and I'll have a football team. The m**... says Well, I have 17 wives, one more, and I'll have a golf course.

The reason women don't play football

The reason women don't play football is that eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Britons vs. Americans

Americans:
It's Mom not Mum
It's Chips not Crisps
It's Fries not Chips
It's Color not Colour
It's Soccer not Football
It's Football not Rugby
Britons:
It's School not Shooting Range.

The England football team went to visit an orphanage in Russia this morning.

"It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Anatoly, aged 6.

Why is Cinderella so bad at football?

A. Because she's got a pumpkin for a coach
B. Because she keeps running away from the ball

Whatever you do, don't tell this joke to a math person; they will just make you upset

Bill is a giant nerd, and he knows that he isn't perceived as cool; in fact, lots of people call him a square. So, in an effort to be cool, he finds some cool guys and decides to go do everything he can with them.
They say, "Hey Bill, we're going to the bar. Want to come?"
He says, "Sure," and comes to the bar. They all order shots and beers. Bill doesn't want to be a square, so he orders shots and beers, and they all have a great time.
Next week, they call Bill up and tell him that they're going to a club. Bill comes along with them. They all start grinding on women and ordering tons of booze. Bill doesn't want to be a square, so he does the same and has a good time.
The next week, they call Bill up and tell him that they're going to a football game. Bill doesn't want to be a square, so he comes along. The guys are all cheering for their team enthusiastically, but Bill just sits quietly in his seat. Finally one of the guys says, "Bill, this isn't like you. Everything else we've done, you've joined in happily. Why won't you root for the team with us?"
Bill replies, "Well, I don't want to be a square. And rooting? Rooting is for squares."

A Jew, A Catholic, and a m**... are in a bar discussing their families...

...The Jew says "I have 8 kids, one more and I'll have enough for a baseball team!" The Catholic says "I have 10 kids, one more and I'll have enough for a football team!" The m**... says "That's nothing, I have 17 wives, one more and I'll have enough for a golf course!"

The Washington r**... finally decided to drop their offensive name.

Dan Snyder, owner of the NFL r**..., has announced that the team is dropping "Washington" from the team name, and it will henceforth be simply known as, "The r**...." It was reported that he finds the word "Washington" imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, lying, and graft, and is not a fitting role-model for young fans of football.

Yesterday I was playing football for the first time in a year after suffering from a serious illness.

"You've still got it!" said somebody in the crowd.
Unfortunately it was the doctor with my latest test results.

Man talking to his wife and asks honey, where did you place the broken condoms?

Wife: please stop referring to our kids as broken condoms, and they are at football practice

Got this joke off of a yogurt pack... Why are football stadiums so windy?

'This is not labelled for individual sales'
I know, I dont get it either...

Before my buddy died I asked him if there was football in heaven.

A few days later I saw his ghost. He said
"Good news, there is. Bad news, you're playing in goal tomorrow."

Football joke

How do you keep the St. Louis Rams off of your lawn?
Paint an endzone on it.

I used to play football for j**... Sandusky.

I started out as a tight end but finished the season as a wide receiver.

A British girl meets a guy...

And they hit it off immediately. The girl goes to her dad the next day to tell him about it.
"Oh, dad, he's just the sweetest! He loves dancing and photography, he's great with kids, and he volunteers at an animal shelter. He's funny, handsome, a great listener, oh! and he's a goalie for a local football team. Oh dad, what do you think?"
Her dad looked at her with an odd expression and said "Oh honey...
... *he's a keeper*"

I drove by the local jailhouse today. The inmates were out in the yard playing football. I slowed down and yelled,

"Pass me the ball, I'm free!"

An Englishman, a Welshman and an Arab met over coffee..

...at a convention.
''I am happily married,'' said the Englishman, ''and have 10 children. One more and I shall have my own football team."
''I am happily married,'' said the Welshman ''and have 14 children. One more and I shall have my own Rugby team."
''I am also happily married,'' said the Arab ''and have 17 wives. One more and I shall have my own Golf course.''

I was watching the Super Bowl with some friends...

and my fiancee's friend, who isn't very keen on sports, is commenting on the shoe polish streaks under their eyes.
She says "I just don't get it, what do those black things even do?"
I reply, "Well, play football, mostly."

Steve and John are watching the football when Johns dog starts l**... its nuts. Steve says "i wish I could do that"

To which John replies "probably best to pat him first or he might bite ya"

A Jewish guy, a Catholic guy and a m**... are having dinner together...

...and they are bragging about their families.
"My wife and I have 4 strapping young boys" says the Jewish man. "If we have one more, we would have our own basketball team."
"Well, good for you" says the Catholic. "But we have 10 healthy sons. If we would have one more we would have our own football team."
"That's nothing" says the m**.... "I have 17 wives. If I have one more I would have my own golf course."

The full time football result is in:
Real Madrid - 4...

Surreal Madrid - fish

My Wife said 'All you do is talk about Football..

There's so many more important things in life than that.
Like, what about Syria?"
I said "Well this year I think it's between Fiorentina, Roma or Juventus

Football joke, My Wife said 'All you do is talk about Football..

jokes about football