The Best 87 Foot Jokes
Following is our collection of Foot jokes which are very funny. There are some foot intolerant jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these foot planter puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Funny Foot Jokes and Puns
Why Americans don't use metric?
Foot fetish
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
**
I was at a football game. Sold out stadium, but the guy next to me had an empty seat next to himself...
...As the game wore on, I asked him "Who's seat is that?" He looked at me sadly and said "That was my wife's seat but she passed away."
"I'm sorry to hear that." I replied. "You don't have any other family that might want to come to the game with you?" He shook his head and said "Nah... they're all at the funeral"
I haven't worked out since...
I haven't worked out since that one time I tried to reach for a bag of chips at the foot of the bed and did a sit-up by mistake.
That wasn't the joke. The joke is my life.
Deer Season
Seven guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Kevin's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later the six get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with his gear set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the stove.
"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk Melissa into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair at home and Melissa came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, here I am.
A father tells his 10 year old son...
"Sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on your cereal every morning and you will have a very long life".
His son followed his father's advice every morning without missing a day until he died at the age of 186 leaving behind 28 children, 67 grandchildren, 148 great grandchildren and a 7 foot crater where the crematory used to be.
UPDATE: This blew up. (Pun not intended)
At my friend's house, her dad told us these jokes called "Mama mama jokes." I expected old fashioned "Yo' mama" jokes. I got these.
Mama, Mama, I don't like little brother!
Shut up and eat what you're told.
Mama, Mama, I don't want to go to Hawaii!
Shut up and keep swimming.
Mama, Mama, I don't like going in circles!
Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!
Honestly, I'm scarred.
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp and out comes a genie. The genie says, "I will grant you any three wishes you want, but whatever you wish for I will give your mother-in-law double."
The man agrees to the terms and says, "I wish for a billion dollars." Instantly, he has a billion dollars and his mother-in-law has two billion dollars.
The man then says, "I wish for a 10,000 square foot home on 100 acres." The genie grants his wish and gives his mother-in-law a 20,000 square foot home on 200 acres.
Finally, the man cleverly says, "I wish for you to beat me half to death."
the three legged pig joke reminded me of a joke my dad once told me
a scientist was doing an experiment on a frog in his lab, he placed the frog down on the floor and said "Frog jump!". the frog jumped 4 feet and so he noted in his notebook
"frog with 4 legs, jumps 4 feet"
he then cut off one of the frogs legs and again said "Frog jump!". the frog jumped only 3 feet this time and so he noted in his notebook
"frog with 3 legs, jumps 3 feet"
he cut off a 2nd leg and said "Frog jump!". this time the frog only jumped 2 feet and so he noted
"frog with 2 legs, jumps 2 feet"
he then cut off a 3rd leg and again said "Frog jump!". the frog only jumped a foot and so he noted
"frog with 1 leg, jumps 1 foot"
the scientist then cut off the frogs last remaining leg and said "Frog jump!, Frog jump!, FROG JUMP!!!!!" but the frog did not move. so he noted
"frog with 0 legs, deaf"
An old cowboy told his grandson...
An old cowboy told his grandson "The secret to a long, healthy life is to put a pinch of gunpowder in your oatmeal every morning." The grandson took this advice to heart, and everyday for the rest of his life put a pinch of gunpowder in his oatmeal every morning. When he died at the age of 132 he left behind 5 children, 12 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren, 78 great great grandchildren, and a 50 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
A man is in a foot fetishist club
His girlfriend knows and says that he can give a picture of her feet to the other people in the club. He does and they say that they are the best feet ever. So he goes home and realizes that he had a picture of his girlfriend's mom's feet. He goes to the club the next day and says... Guys we got off on the wrong foot
You can explore foot podiatry reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean foot toe dad jokes. There are also foot puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Then it'll be a foot.
I'm so sorry.
If someone has a foot fetish...
...and they cheat, does that mean they got off on the wrong foot?
So this atheist explorer is in trouble...
...with a tribe of savage cannibals. He's cornered with no possible way out when he exclaims in his desperation 'God, I'm screwed!'
Suddenly the clouds part and a booming voice says 'No son, you are not. Take that rock near your right foot and throw it at that old cannibal with the large headdress!'
The explorer obeys, and the chief of the tribe lies dead on the ground.
The voice says 'NOW you're screwed!'
My girlfriend told me to stop impersonating a flamingo...
I had to put my foot down
I tickled my little brothers foot this morning. And my mom went crazy about it.
Something about "Waiting until he's born".
What did the biologist's sister say to her sister after she dropped a beaker on her foot...
Mitosis
The English and the Scots.
A Englishman and a Scot are walking along the beach when the Englishman kicks over a lamp and a genie appears. He grants them one wish each. The Englishman says "I wish a hundred foot tall and 100 feet wide wall surrounded England, and no-one can get in or out." The genie snaps his fingers and says "It is done." He then turns to the Scot, who says "Fill it with water."
I was at the football game the other day...
It was the biggest game of the season, and all the seats were taken. Because of this, my buddies had to sit further away from me
I looked over and saw the two seats to my left were empty. Curious, I asked the guy beside the empty seats if anyone was coming for them.
"My wife was supposed to come, but she passed away recently," he replied.
I apologized and offered my condolences. "And the other empty seat?" I asked him.
"My best friend was supposed to come with us," he answered. I asked him why his best friend didn't come.
The man replied, "Oh, he's at the funeral!".
BIG fight
Me and the wife had a big fight,she told me to leave the house. To spite her I went upstairs and packed my bags. As I was walking down the stairs, a suitcase in each hand, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. When we're at eye level, she says to me. 'I hope you die a slow and painful death.' Looking into her eyes, I reply, "So, now you want me to stay?'
are you sure I'm drunk?
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk."
The wasted man asked, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."
Ladies, if he says he's six foot four inches, make sure that's not two separate measurements.
When my mom told me to stop acting like a flamingo
I had to put my foot down.
Two foot fetishists are sitting in the back of a police van.
One turns to the other says:
"I think we got off on the wrong foot."
What does someone with a foot fetish wish for?
To meet their solemate.
Ukrainian authorities are planning to turn the Chernobyl exclusion zone into an amusement park
They say the only difference between it and Disneyland will be that the six foot tall mouse isn't a costume.
My wife told me I'm not allowed to impersonate a flamingo anymore...
I had to put my foot down
At 23:59 31.12.2015 I raised my left foot off the ground
Just to be sure I start 2016 on the right foot
Why can't your hand be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot..
The Ukrainian government is opening up a tourist attraction in Chernobyl.
It will be like Disney World, except the six foot tall mouse is real.
why don't foot fetishists ever win anything?
because they like the taste of defeat.
i'm not even sorry.
When my wife asked me to stop being a flamingo..
I had to put my foot down
What do you call a woman who does not have all her toes on one foot?
Normal
A man claimed he could jump higher than his house...
A man was talking to his friend and he said, "Dude, I bet $20 that I can jump higher than my house." His friend replied, "Ok, deal."
They went outside and the man jumped a foot into the air. "Well, time to pay up!" said his friend. "Nope!", the man said, "You owe me $20!" "How?" "I jumped a foot in the air, and my house can't jump at all!"
When my wife told me to stop imitating flamingos,
I had to put my foot down
Today at school, my teacher said I needed to stop doing my impression of a Flamingo
That's when I had to put my foot down.
Hillary and Trump tie in the election...
And the election moderator isn't sure what to do. So he decides that the president will be decided by a foot race around the White House lawn.
Trump is up first, and his final time around the lawn is 10 minutes 11 seconds.
Hillary is up next, and her final time around the lawn is 9:20.
The moderator tells Hillary she's won the election and the presidency, and tells her her time. Hillary asks "9:20? Is that a record around the lawn?"
The moderator says "No, Bush did 9:11".
Everyone is panicking about the stock markets....
But the 31 foot mexican ladder company I invested in is surging.
Why did Hitler always win foot races?
He was the fascist one.
Buzz Aldrin was the second man to step foot on the moon.
Neil before him. Neil.
What's a foot long, made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
I got frostbite and had part of my foot amputated. Then my girlfriend left me.
She was lack-toes intolerant.
What is the most sensitive part of your body while pleasuring yourself?
Your ear listening for foot steps.
Why are people with foot fetishes always losers?
They love the smell of defeat.
If a man with a foot fetish cheats on his wife...
Does that mean he got off on the wrong foot?
If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
Missile toe.
I don't mind following rules at work, but when my boss told me to stop impersonating flamingos...
I had to put my foot down.
When god created man
Gods assistant: Is it done?
God: Hmm, add a little toe to his foot.
Gods assistant: Why?
God: For furniture.
Gods assistant: Furniture?
God: Believe me it'll be funny
So this guy at college keeps calling me a flamingo
one of these days I'm going to put my foot down.
How do you get a football player to stop resisting arrest?
Sing the national anthem
Quantum entanglement is not hard to understand:
Socks come in pairs. If you put a sock on your left foot, the other sock of the pair instantly becomes the right sock, no matter where it is located in the universe.
I tickled my little brother's foot
I tickled my little brother's foot yesterday and my mom went crazy and said,
"Wait until he is born"
I feel bad for the hypnotist I saw yesterday
He hypnotized 7 guys then dropped the microphone on his foot and screamed:
F*ck me
How to Live a Long Life
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.
When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
I wanted to show appreciation to my new girlfriend's foot fetish. Little did I know the woman in the bed was her sister..
I got off on the wrong foot.
Why do people with foot fetishes never win?
Because they like the taste of defeat
I fell off of a 20 foot ladder today at work.
Thankfully I was on the bottom step.
There's an actual medical term for when your foot falls asleep.
It's called 'coma toes'
My first sexual experience was a lot like my first foot ball game.
There was a lot of sweat and blood but at least my dad came.
As a spectator at the last Summer Olympics, I saw a guy walking around carrying a 10 foot long stick...
"Are you a pole vaulter?" I asked.
"No," he responded. "I'm a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
An Englishman stops Paddy for directions.....
An Englishman stops Paddy for directions... "Excuse me pal, what's the quickest way to Dublin?"
Paddy says "Are you on foot or in the car?"
The Englishman says "In the car."
Paddy replies "That's the quickest!"
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot.
~*Badum tss*~
Got a really nice 3 foot ruler today...
I bought it at a Yard sale.
Got the best compliment from my doctor today
He said I had athlete's foot. I've only been training for 3 days so didn't think anyone would notice
After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well...
During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the sexy play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.
I fell off a 30 foot ladder yesterday.
I'm fine, I was only on the second rung.
The real reason for the missing of many flat-earthers in recent weeks as suggested by their friends of similar thought
The Flat Earth Society has reported that the 6 foot social distancing measures have led to the pushing of some of their members over the edge.
I once knew a girl who only dated tall guys
I guess you could say she had a foot fetish
I tickled my little sister's foot this morning and my mum went crazy about it...
..something about waiting until she was born
I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group.
I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing guideline has pushed anyone over the edge yet.
Secret to long life
A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life is to sprinkle a little gunpowder into your oatmeal.
The grandson took his words seriously and ate gunpowder sprinkled oatmeal everyday. He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
When he died, he left behind 4 children, 9 grandchildren, 13 great grandchildren and one 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
80% of my couch fell on my foot today.
...ouch.
Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.
Thank god I live in Canada
There are two types of countries in this world.....
Those that use the metric system, and those that have set foot on the moon.
My grandpa used to sprinkle a tablespoon of gunpowder on his eggs every morning.
Said it gave him energy through the day. When he died at the ripe old age of 96, he left behind a grieving wife, 6 children, 14 grandchildren, 3 great grandchildren and a 25 foot hole in the side of the crematorium.
Yesterday, my wife finally told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.
Reluctantly, I had to put my foot down.
A construction contractor buys a 10 foot Italian submarine sandwich to feed his crew
It gets delivered a little early, so he sets it out on a table and goes back to finish up the morning's work. By the time him and his crew get back to it, though, there's something wrong. Most of the middle sections are missing, and the two ends have been pushed together, making it only a 4 foot sandwich.
He turns to his crew and asks if anyone snuck in to eat the sandwich. One by one, they all shake their heads and deny any wrongdoing. He's at a loss until one of his guys points out that the company had hired an electrician to do a bit of wiring that morning.
"Of course!" the boss exclaims, "he's the subcontractor!"
I was installing a light in the attic today, when I slipped off a joist and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling. It scared the shit out of my girlfriend.
I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August.
Why don't foot fetishists like redheads?
Because they don't have soles.
^(My bf told me to put this here.)
My girlfriend told me I had to stop impersonating a flamingo
That's when I really had to put my foot down.
I used to hate foot fungi
But then it really grew on me.
Want to know how someone with foot fungus feels?
Just step into their shoes.
I saw a man that didn't have a left or right foot.
He looked defeated.
My wife kept telling me to stop doing a flamingo impression...
In the end I had to put my foot down
Why can't a nose be twelve inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
Why don't football players wear glasses?
It's a contact sport.
Why couldn't Pinocchio's nose ever grow to be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the foot inch jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working foot schlong piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.