I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.
Take your foot off his head.
**
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses.
He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee
listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says,
"I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks
on wood for good luck. He then yells,
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who's at the door."
Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
....but it smells like a foot.
Your ear listening for foot steps.
She was lack-toes intolerant.
The president orders his secret service agent to jump off a 40 foot platform. The agent heisitates and does so.
The prime minister immediately orders his bodyguard to do the same. The guard jumps without batting an eye.
The president, feeling a little defeated, orders his bodyguard to jump off a hundred foot platform. The agent turns to the president and, with teary eyes, pleads:"Mister president, please don't do this, I have a family!"
The president hesitates and retracts his order. The chinese minister snorts and orders the same to his body guard.The chinese bodyguard starts climbing without a second thought. The president grabs his arm and says, "Wait man, this is too much! You don't have to do this!"
The chinese bodygaurd shakes off his arm and says:"Mister president, please don't, I have family."
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk."
The wasted man asked, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."
I had to put my foot down
because they like the taste of defeat.
i'm not even sorry.
Because they like the taste of defeat
Without a word he pulls out a miniature piano and a foot tall man from his jacket. The tiny man immediately starts playing a beautiful sonata.
"Thats amazing son. Where in the world did you get him from?", asked the bartender.
The man pulls out a magic lamp and sets it on the counter. "I just rubbed the lamp and made a wish. Wanna try?"
The bartender eagerly nods and rubs the lamp and suddenly the bar is filled with a million ducks.
"Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks" the bartender yelled.
"Ya", the man replied "you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?"
Gods assistant: Is it done?
God: Hmm, add a little toe to his foot.
Gods assistant: Why?
God: For furniture.
Gods assistant: Furniture?
God: Believe me it'll be funny
Just to be sure I start 2016 on the right foot
He and his girlfriend's father are sitting in the living room while the girls make dinner. At the foot of the boyfriend's chair lies the family dog, Rover. After a few minutes, the young man feels the uge to fart. Unable to hold it in, he attempts to let it out silently, but it comes out audible.
"Rover!" Yells the father.
Feeling relieved the dog was blamed, the young man let's another rip, this time a bit louder.
"ROVER!" Yells the father again.
Feeling one last wave of gas, the boyfriend let's out a nasty, wet, stinker.
"ROVER, GET OUTTA THERE BEFORE HE SHITS ALL OVER YOU! "
He sits down and starts ordering several drinks.
"What's in the box?" Asks the bartender
"Ugh, just get me another drink...? Grumbles the man.
Bartender says "show me what's in the box and the next ones on the house."
The man nods places the box on the bar and takes out a small piano and a man about a foot tall comes out and starts playing the most beautiful music he has ever heard.
"where the hell did you get that?" Asks the bartender.
The man replies "There is a genie out side granting wishes but..."
Before he can finish the bartender runs out side and sees the genie, and yells "I wish for a million bucks!"
After a puff of smoke there are a million ducks walking around quaking.
The bartender runs back inside and yells at the guy
"Hey you didn't tell me the genie was hard of hearing!"
The guy turns around slowly and says with a smirk, "Did you think I really wished for a 12 inch pianist
because then it would be considered a foot.
Socks come in pairs. If you put a sock on your left foot, the other sock of the pair instantly becomes the right sock, no matter where it is located in the universe.
He asks, "what sex?". So she explains the mechanics and asks if he's ever done that. Tarzan says, "yes, with hole in tree".
Jane says, "no, no, no, this is where you're supposed to do it", and lays down on the ground with her legs spread open, gesturing Tarzan to mount her.
So Tarzan approaches, raises his right foot, and smashes down on her crotch as hard as he can. After several minutes of Jane rolling around and writhing in pain, she finally asks, "Dear god, why in the world did you do that?" To which Tarzan replies, "Check for squirrels."
....He hypnotized 7 guys...then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "FUCK ME".....what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life
Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Harvey's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Harvey's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three arrive at the camping site only to find Harvey sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Shit, Harvey, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday evening. I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, "Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want." So, Here I am. You guys want a beer?"
Because they like the taste of defeat.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
I had to put my foot down
I had to put my foot down.
Does that mean he got off on the wrong foot?
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Shit Ron, how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said she had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!
She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.'
So . . . . here I am!"
As he walks in, all the patrons of the bar gasp.
The man then says, "Relax. He is very trained. Here; watch!"
He plops his 5 foot long pet alligator on the bar counter and says, "Open!"
The alligator's mouth opens wide, then the man unzips his pants and proceeds to stick his d*ck in it.
He holds this position for 5 minutes until he zips back up and tells the alligator, "Close." And it does.
The man then asks if there is anyone else in the bar who wants to try.
An old man from a corner of the bar shouts, "Boy, I'll sure try but I don't know if I can keep my mouth open that long!"
But it smells like a foot
If a guy with a foot fetish cheats on his wife, would you say *he got off on the wrong foot?*
**and** (no offense meant to all the women out there, I swear!)
You know why god invented the yeast infection? So that women would also know what it's like to live with a miserable cunt!
A little vulgar, I know. But it was worth the buck I gave him!
Then it'll be a foot.
I'm so sorry.
And see's a man, about 1 foot tall playing the piano. "Damn!" He exclaims, "how is this possible ?" The bartender explains that there is a genie in the back of the bar. Excited, the man goes into the back of the bar and wishes for "1 million bucks!" , suddenly 1 million ducks fly out of the bar. "This genie is hard of hearing! I asked for a million bucks, and I got a million ducks!". The bartender pauses and says... "Yeah, you think I really wished for a 12 inch pianist..."
Once there was a tourist lost in the deepest part of the Amazon. After a few days, he finds himself suddenly surrounded by hundreds of blood-thirsty natives. He looks up to the sky and says, "Oh my God, I'm screwed!!"
All of a sudden, the sky opens up, and there is a beam of light streaming down on him, and a voice booms out, "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your foot, and smash it onto the skull of the chief."
So the tourist looks down, and sees the stone. He picks it up, and bashes the life out of the chief, who is standing right in front of him. The chief is down on the ground, bleeding and lifeless, with his tribesmen in shock and disbelief.
Now, the sky opens up once again, and the voice booms out... "NOW, you're screwed."
They love the smell of defeat.
His wife is in bed reading a book. He stands at the foot of the bed and says, "See honey, this is the cow I fuck when you have a headache." The wife puts the book down and looks at her husband. "If you weren't so stupid" she replies, "you'd realize that's a sheep, not a cow."
"Well" says the husband, "if you weren't such a bitch you'd realize I wasn't talking to you."
He hypnotised 7 blokes then dropped the microphone on his foot and said 'fuck me!'
What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
"Are you a pole vaulter?" I asked.
"No," he responded. "I'm a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
I had to put my foot down.
one of these days I'm going to put my foot down.
I had to put my foot down
"Sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on your cereal every morning and you will have a very long life".
His son followed his father's advice every morning without missing a day until he died at the age of 186 leaving behind 28 children, 67 grandchildren, 148 great grandchildren and a 7 foot crater where the crematory used to be.
UPDATE: This blew up. (Pun not intended)
So the guy walks up to the bartender and asks where did you find a guy that's a foot tall and can play the piano?
Bartender: I wished for him
Guy: yeah, like I'm gonna believe that
Bartender: no seriously, here you make a wish
So the bartender hands the man a magical genie lamp, and all of the sudden a million ducks appear out of nowhere.
Guy: what is this I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks
Bartender: and you think I wished for a 12inch pianist.
An old cowboy told his grandson "The secret to a long, healthy life is to put a pinch of gunpowder in your oatmeal every morning." The grandson took this advice to heart, and everyday for the rest of his life put a pinch of gunpowder in his oatmeal every morning. When he died at the age of 132 he left behind 5 children, 12 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren, 78 great great grandchildren, and a 50 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
I had to put my foot down
I had to put my foot down.
I haven't worked out since that one time I tried to reach for a bag of chips at the foot of the bed and did a sit-up by mistake.
That wasn't the joke. The joke is my life.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses.
She yells down the stairs, Was I getting in or out of the bath?
The 94-year-old yells back, I don't know.
I'll come up and see. She starts up the stairs and pauses.
Then she yells out, Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, I sure hope I never get that forgetful.
She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then replies, I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.
My wife and I had a huge fight and she told me to get the hell out.
To spite her I went upstairs and packed my suitcases. Coming down the staircase, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs.
'I hope you die a slow and painful death, you bastard,' she hissed.
I reply,' So, now you're asking me to stay?'
Foot fetish
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town," said the boy.
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" asked the farmer.
"No, he went with Mom and Dad," the boy answered.
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message," said the boy.
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant.".
The boy thought for a moment, then said, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the boar, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
A man runs into a bar, and demands to the barkeep: "Quick! How tall do penguins grow?"
"About two foot sir" replies the bartender
"Shit. I've just run over a nun."
I had to put my foot down
and they are all bragging about the sizes of their vaginas. The first one says, "My pussy is soooooo big, my husband can stick his whole fist in it!" The second says, "Ha, is that all? My pussy is soooooo big, my husband can stick his whole foot in it!". The third one just laughs and slides down the stool.
Now you've got a foot of my cock in your ass.
After a few drinks, they get into a heated argument about how tough they are.
The first mouse says, When I see a mousetrap, I lay on my back and set it off with my foot. Then, I catch the bar with my teeth and bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite. Only then do I make off with the cheese!
The second mouse says, Oh yeah? Well, whenever I see rat poison, I take it all and grind it into powder. Then when morning comes, I use it to flavor my coffee! It helps me get a nice buzz going for the rest of the day!
The third mouse, checking his watch, sighs, stands up and says I've gotta go. I have a date with a cat.
I tickled my little brother's foot yesterday and my mom went crazy and said,
"Wait until he is born"
Because then it would be a foot.
I got off on the wrong foot.
Sing the national anthem
He finds an elephant in distress, lying in the bushes. Upon inspection, he finds that the elephant has a large, sharp rock embedded in the bottom of its foot. He carefully pulls the rock free, and the elephant gets up and saunters away.
Almost a decade later he is back in his home town when a circus is visiting and they put on a parade. The man is watching all of the animals go past, when he notices, and makes eye contact with a large African elephant. The elephant immediately turns toward the man, picks him up in its trunk, slams him on the pavement and then stomps the life out of him.
Different elephant.
Mitosis
Because they love the smell of defeat!
So I had to put my foot down
a scientist was doing an experiment on a frog in his lab, he placed the frog down on the floor and said "Frog jump!". the frog jumped 4 feet and so he noted in his notebook
"frog with 4 legs, jumps 4 feet"
he then cut off one of the frogs legs and again said "Frog jump!". the frog jumped only 3 feet this time and so he noted in his notebook
"frog with 3 legs, jumps 3 feet"
he cut off a 2nd leg and said "Frog jump!". this time the frog only jumped 2 feet and so he noted
"frog with 2 legs, jumps 2 feet"
he then cut off a 3rd leg and again said "Frog jump!". the frog only jumped a foot and so he noted
"frog with 1 leg, jumps 1 foot"
the scientist then cut off the frogs last remaining leg and said "Frog jump!, Frog jump!, FROG JUMP!!!!!" but the frog did not move. so he noted
"frog with 0 legs, deaf"
Seven guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Kevin's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later the six get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with his gear set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the stove.
"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk Melissa into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair at home and Melissa came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, here I am.
They say the only difference between it and Disneyland will be that the six foot tall mouse isn't a costume.
Does that mean he got off on the wrong foot?
because they like the taste of defeat.
The Mother Superior answered and was taken quite by surprise at the sight. One leprechaun was sullen and silent, while the other seemed quite friendly. This latter asked, "please pardon our intrusion, Mother Superior, but I wish to ask you, is there a nun at your convent who is about two and a half foot tall?" The Mother Superior recovered from her surprise to answer that no, there wasn't.
"In any of the other convents of the city, Mother Superior," the friendly leprechaun asked, "is there a nun who stands about two and a half foot tall?" Again, she answered no.
"In all of our nation, Mother Superior," the leprechaun continued, "in all of the convents of all the world, do you suppose there is a nun who is about two and a half foot tall?" Mother Superior said that no, it would be impossible.
Having gotten this last answer, the friendly leprechaun bowed graciously and thanked the helpful Mother Superior. He took his sullen companion by the arm and led him away. As the two walked off, Mother Superior heard the talkative one say, "I tell you, Mikey, you've been fucking a penguin."
Because then it'd be a foot.
A shoe.
...and they cheat, does that mean they got off on the wrong foot?
One turns to the other says:
"I think we got off on the wrong foot."
The priest asks him what happened.
The man says he was playing golf and hit a beautiful drive, but it sliced into the woods.
The priest asks, is that when you said the bad word, and the man says , no Father, the ball hit a tree and ricocheted out of the woods but went into a sand trap and the priest says oh, I see, so that's when you said the bad word and the man says no father, the ball hit a rake and bounced onto the green within a foot of the cup
And the priest slaps his forehead and yells DON'T TELL ME YOU MISSED THE FUCKING PUTT!
So I had to put my foot down.
Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."
The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."
Neil before him. Neil.
1. What was wrong with the wooden car with wooden wheels?
It "wooden" go!
2. Why can't a dick be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot
3. A guy walks into the doctors office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ass. The doc takes one look and he says, "It looks like we have one hell of a problem here!" The guy responds "yea, and this is just the tip of the iceberg!"
4. I went to the zoo the other day. This zoo only had one dog.
It was a shitzu.
5.How did Hitler tie his shoesies?
In little Nazi's
6.If Al gore was a musician his album would be titled "Algorithms"
7.Sex while camping- It's intense!
8.How do Native Americans store their energy?
In ATP!
9.What's 10 inches long, pink and slippery?
A slipper.
10.What's blue and shaped like a square?
An undercover orange.
None of them had any idea what was going on. All of a sudden a mysterious man appears in front of them and says, "If all of your dick lengths combined can reach exactly 1 foot, I'll let you all go. If not, I'll kill you all" All 3 men pulled down their pants and put their dicks together, the white guy had 4 inches, the black guy had 6 inches and the Asian guy had 2 inches. The man then let them go. As they were leaving the cell, the white guy said, "You guys are lucky I'm white." The black said "No way! You guys are lucky I'm black!" And then the Asian guy yelled "You guys are lucky I had a boner!"
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.
When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
But it smells like a foot
Mama, Mama, I don't like little brother!
Shut up and eat what you're told.
Mama, Mama, I don't want to go to Hawaii!
Shut up and keep swimming.
Mama, Mama, I don't like going in circles!
Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!
Honestly, I'm scarred.
And the election moderator isn't sure what to do. So he decides that the president will be decided by a foot race around the White House lawn.
Trump is up first, and his final time around the lawn is 10 minutes 11 seconds.
Hillary is up next, and her final time around the lawn is 9:20.
The moderator tells Hillary she's won the election and the presidency, and tells her her time. Hillary asks "9:20? Is that a record around the lawn?"
The moderator says "No, Bush did 9:11".
A Englishman and a Scot are walking along the beach when the Englishman kicks over a lamp and a genie appears. He grants them one wish each. The Englishman says "I wish a hundred foot tall and 100 feet wide wall surrounded England, and no-one can get in or out." The genie snaps his fingers and says "It is done." He then turns to the Scot, who says "Fill it with water."
Two men are approaching each other on the sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other points behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."
I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 guys... then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "FUCK ME!" What happened next will haunt me the for the rest of my life...
But the 31 foot mexican ladder company I invested in is surging.
It's called 'coma toes'
Three friends are sitting in a bar after a day of work, discussing their lives when the topic of conversation turns to how often they fight with their wives. The first guy says, "I just put my foot down and tell her what's what, and there's no more arguing after that. Then I get the TV to myself all night."
The second guy says, "I just keep repeating my point until she sees the light. Then she always makes my favourite dinner and gives me a back rub."
The third guy says, "Every time we argue, my wife is always on her hands and knees by the end of it."
The other two look at him, impressed. "Then what happens?" The second one asks.
"Well," the third says, " then she says 'Get out from under the bed and fight me you pussy!' "
Because then it would be a foot
Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.
Don't worry, Maria, says the mother, all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!
Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.
So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!
Stay here and stir the pasta, says the mother.
This is a job for Mama.
He is moaning in pain, just when an ant walks up. The ant sees his problem, and says, "Hey, I'll pull the splinter out of your foot, if you let me fuck you up the ass."
The elephant laughs a bit and agrees. So the ant climbs along his foot, and is able to pull hard enough to remove the splinter. The elephant is immediately relived, and thanks the ant. The ant says, "You made a deal - now I get to fuck you up the ass!" The elephant laughs again and says, "Yep, a deal is a deal - go ahead!"
So the ant climbs up the elephant's hind leg, goes under his tail, and starts to do his business. Meanwhile, a monkey has been up in a tree watching this whole thing, and throws a coconut at the elephant, hitting him squarely in the head.
The elephant then rears up on his hind legs and lets out a huge yell of pain.
The ant screams, "Take it all, Bitch!"
That's when I had to put my foot down.
An old man is at his wife's deathbed in their home.
The old woman whispers to her husband.
"My husband, I want to show you something before I pass."
The husband replies "what is it my dear? I'll do anything you ask.."
"I want you to open the chest locker at the foot of the bed that I always kept locked."
"I will! I've always wondered what was in there."
The old man opens the chest and inside is $50,000 and 3 ears of corn.
"I have to ask honey, why is there 3 ears of corn in there."
"Well," the old woman answered. "Every time I committed adultery I would put an ear of corn in the chest."
"Oh, I forgive you my love, it's been 60 years. But why the $50 thousand?"
"When I collected a bushel, I sold it."
I read this joke in a Readers Digest in a doctors office 14 years ago. Never forgot it.
I had to put my foot down.
arguing over who has the biggest vagina. 1st girl says "Oh yeah, well my boyfriend can stick his whole fist up mine", 2nd girl says "That's nothing, come talk to me when you can get two fists and a foot up there", they look over at the third girl and she is smiling as she is sliding down the stool.
So i had to put my foot down.
This short, tiny guy is riding in an elevator. Elevator stops and this big, tall, burly sumbitch gets in.
Big guy looks down at the little guy and says "Six foot eight, 280 pounds, twenty inch dick, ten pound left ball, ten pound right ball. Turner Brown" and sticks out his hand.
Little guy just passes out on the floor.
Big guy leans over, slaps him around a little and gets him to come to. Big guy says to the little guy "Sorry man, I didn't mean to freak you out. My name is Turner Brown. That's how I introduce myself. Its nice to meet you."
Little guy gets this relieved look on his face and and says "Oh shit man, I thought you said turn around!"
Cause the it would be a foot!
so i was whacking off in a public bathroom
and i accidentally ejaculated on the guy in the next stall's shoe
_Talk about getting off on the wrong foot!_
Something about "Waiting until he's born".
Me and the wife had a big fight,she told me to leave the house. To spite her I went upstairs and packed my bags. As I was walking down the stairs, a suitcase in each hand, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. When we're at eye level, she says to me. 'I hope you die a slow and painful death.' Looking into her eyes, I reply, "So, now you want me to stay?'
Thankfully I was on the bottom step.
Every day, Jim gets two six packs on the way home from work. When he gets home, he sits in his living room until they're gone. One day, just as he's getting to the end of the last beer, he hears a knock at the door. He goes to answer it, and sees a six foot tall grasshopper. Before he can say a word, the grasshopper punches him in the face as hard as he's ever been hit! Floored, he can't respond before the grasshopper leaves.
He decides he'd better be in better shape, so the next day he only gets one six pack. Just as he's finishing the last beer, he hears another knock at the door. He gets up to answer it, a bit more wary this time. Not that it does him any good. The six foot tall grasshopper is there again, and this time hits him *twice*, each one as hard as he's ever been hit! Again, the grasshopper leaves before he can do anything.
On the third day, he decides he'd better just skip his beer. He's sitting in his living room, stone cold sober, when he hears a knock at the door. He checks his peephole. It's the grasshopper. But he figures this time he hasn't been drinking and he can take him, so he opens the door. Before he can do anything, the grasshopper knocks him down and kicks him until he can't move. Again, the grasshopper leaves when it's done.
Obviously he's in bad shape after that, so he goes in to see his doctor. He describes what's been going on. The doctor nods knowingly, "Yeah, there's been a pretty nasty bug going around."
But it smells like a foot
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.
Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."
So here I am.
His girlfriend knows and says that he can give a picture of her feet to the other people in the club. He does and they say that they are the best feet ever. So he goes home and realizes that he had a picture of his girlfriend's mom's feet. He goes to the club the next day and says... Guys we got off on the wrong foot
He hypnotized 7 guys then dropped the microphone on his foot and screamed:
F*ck me
A Dwarf goes into a chemist and asks if the 3 foot display condom was for sale?
The owners says "Yes but its not cheap, i'd want £500 for it."
"I'll take it" says the dwarf.
After paying for it the dwarf pulls it over head and down to his shoes and asks the shop owner what he thinks he looks like?
The owner replies "to be honest you look like a massive cock."
"Excellent." replies the dwarf, "i'm pissed off with being called a little cunt."
Me and the wife had a big fight,she told me to leave the house. To spite her I went upstairs and packed my bags.
As I was walking down the stairs, a suitcase in each hand, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. When we're at eye level, she says to me. 'I hope you die a slow and painful death. Looking into her eyes, I reply, "So, now you want me to stay?'
At the end I was bloody but at least my dad came.
It will be like Disney World, except the six foot tall mouse is real.
He was the fascist one.
Seven guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Kevin's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later the six get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with his gear set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the stove.
"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk Melissa into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair at home and Melissa came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, here I am.
Because they like the taste of defeat.
Because they like the taste of defeat.
A shoe
A man was talking to his friend and he said, "Dude, I bet $20 that I can jump higher than my house." His friend replied, "Ok, deal."
They went outside and the man jumped a foot into the air. "Well, time to pay up!" said his friend. "Nope!", the man said, "You owe me $20!" "How?" "I jumped a foot in the air, and my house can't jump at all!"
Because then it would be a foot..
To meet their solemate.
and the lady says, "Unfortunately I have small boobs, is that alright with you?"
To which the male replies, "Yea it's alright, I have a dick like a baby."
After the sex the lady exclaims, "You have the biggest penis I have ever seen in my life, Why did you say it was like a baby?"
"It is. 9 pounds 6 ounces and a foot in height."
Asked the stranger who just pulled up wih his truck outside a bar.
"No" the barkeep replied.
"Well fuck," he said, "I guess I just ran over a nun..."
Missile toe.
He hypnotised seven men, but then dropped the microphone on his foot and said,
"Fuck me!"
What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Immediatly concerned, he rushes to the ER to get checked out. Gets there, checks in, and waits to be called in.
The nurse who checked him in accidentally mixed up his paper work with someone who is there with a broken foot. Not knowing this, he gets called back to the examination room where the nurse says "ok, just put it out on the table, and i'll be back in a minute"
She arrives back to the room and screams out "oh my god, thats not a foot!" He replies and says "well no, but its a good ten inches"
...As the game wore on, I asked him "Who's seat is that?" He looked at me sadly and said "That was my wife's seat but she passed away."
"I'm sorry to hear that." I replied. "You don't have any other family that might want to come to the game with you?" He shook his head and said "Nah... they're all at the funeral"
There were three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, and they all lived together.
One night the 96 year old ran a bath. She put one foot in and paused. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yelled.
The 94 year old hollered back, "I don't know. I'll come and see." She started up the stairs and stopped. She shouted, "Was I going up or coming down?"
The 92 year old sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sister's shook her head and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," and knocked on wood for good measure.
Then she yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
What do you call a lifeguard who can't swim? Wade.
What do you call an Irish guy who hangs out on your lawn? Patty O'Furniture
What do you call a Chinese guy who works at Foot Locker? Tai Mai Shu
What do you call a Chinese guy with one testicle bigger than the other? Won Hung Lo
What do you call two guys at the top of a window? Curt n' Rod
What do you call a woman with a wooden leg? Eileen
What do you call an Asian woman with a wooden leg? Irene
Where does she work? IHOP
Cause then it'd be a foot.
Normal
Three men go hunting in jungles of central Africa. Unfortunately, they get caught by the local tribes.
Tribal Chief to the first man," Do you want death or Kutomba?"
The man thinks, anything is better than death.
He replies,"Kutomba."
Immediately he is grabbed by other tribal people.
His clothes are torn apart and is fucked in his ass by a three foot long bamboo stick for 15 mins.
Tribal Chief to the second man," Do you want death or Kutomba?"
The man thinks, I have a family to support. I will suffer humiliation for them.
He replies,"Kutomba."
He also is grabbed by other tribal people, made to bend forward. His clothes are torn apart and is fucked in his ass by the same bamboo stick for 30 min.
Tribal Chief to the third man," Do you want death or Kutomba?"
The man thinks, I have lived my life. I don't want to get humiliated in this manner. Anything is better than this.
He replies,"Death."
The Chief declares, " Give him Kutomba till he dies."
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp and out comes a genie. The genie says, "I will grant you any three wishes you want, but whatever you wish for I will give your mother-in-law double."
The man agrees to the terms and says, "I wish for a billion dollars." Instantly, he has a billion dollars and his mother-in-law has two billion dollars.
The man then says, "I wish for a 10,000 square foot home on 100 acres." The genie grants his wish and gives his mother-in-law a 20,000 square foot home on 200 acres.
Finally, the man cleverly says, "I wish for you to beat me half to death."
Me and my wife had a huge fight. She told me to pack my bags and get the hell out.
To spite her, I did. I had my 2 bags when I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. When at eye level, she says, 'I hope you die a slow and miserable death.''
I reply,' So, now you want me to stay?
With a hijab
I had to put my foot down
An old Boilermaker returns home after the late shift and decides to treat his wife to a surprise. So he sneaks into the bedroom, crawls up the foot of the bed, and proceeds to lick his wife's pussy until she has a thunderous orgasm. after he has completed his duties he goes to the bathroom to wash his face. He sees his wife sitting on the toilet. He says to her " how did you get in here before me?" She replies "Shhhhhhh!! your mother came over and she's sleeping in our room."
...with a tribe of savage cannibals. He's cornered with no possible way out when he exclaims in his desperation 'God, I'm screwed!'
Suddenly the clouds part and a booming voice says 'No son, you are not. Take that rock near your right foot and throw it at that old cannibal with the large headdress!'
The explorer obeys, and the chief of the tribe lies dead on the ground.
The voice says 'NOW you're screwed!'
There was a lot of sweat and blood but at least my dad came.
It was the biggest game of the season, and all the seats were taken. Because of this, my buddies had to sit further away from me
I looked over and saw the two seats to my left were empty. Curious, I asked the guy beside the empty seats if anyone was coming for them.
"My wife was supposed to come, but she passed away recently," he replied.
I apologized and offered my condolences. "And the other empty seat?" I asked him.
"My best friend was supposed to come with us," he answered. I asked him why his best friend didn't come.
The man replied, "Oh, he's at the funeral!".
A foot of my cock in your ass.
Frank, Raph, and Jed had just finished their supper by the camp fire and broke out the jug of whiskey. Passing around the jug, they started bragging about their dangerous escapades throughout their lives. Frank says, "I remember one time I was crossing a stream and a 12 foot grizzly bear that was fishing for trout attacked me. I wrestled with that bear for three hours before I finally was able to draw my knife and kill it." "Aw, that's nuthin'" says Raph, "once when I was ridin' across the prairie, my horse stumbled in a gopher hole and I fell off into a draw plumb full of diamondback rattlesnakes. I started shootin' em in the head, fast as I could till I ran outta bullets. Then when they'd strike, I'd grab em and bite their heads off." Jed just stood there stokin' the fire with his penis.
Tiger Woods and a local preacher get paired off at a charity golf tournament. On the fourth hole, Tiger misses an easy, 6 foot putt, and shouts "God dammit!" The preacher turns to him and says, "Tiger, you've already angered God. If you blaspheme any more, God will smite you where you stand." 3 holes later, Tiger misses another putt, and shouts, "Fuck!" The preacher turns to him and says, "I'm warning you. If you don't watch your mouth, God will smite you." Tiger holds his tongue until the last hole, where he misses yet another easy putt badly. Visibly frustrated he mutters, "son of a bitch. Fuck this game." The preacher hears him, and says, "That's it! God will smite you!" An instant later, a lightning bolt strikes the preacher, killing him instantly. Tiger looks up, and hears a booming voice from the heavens yell "Fuck!"
My roommate's asian girlfriend's hair clogging the fucking shower drain.
Does that mean he got off on the wrong foot?
A camera has photos and a foot has five toes.
(Told to me by a 9 year old child I work with)
I had to put my foot down.
Anyone know where I can buy shoes in sets of three?
Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Foot? Well, here are the best jokes about Foot to have fun with.