Foot Jokes
193 foot jokes and hilarious foot puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about foot that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article contains foot jokes to make you laugh! Whether your foot is sore, missing, hurt, or you have a club foot, you will find something to chuckle at. Enjoy fun puns about one foot, podiatry, mesquite, and footlongs!
Quick Jump To
- Short Foot Jokes
- Foot One Liners
- One Foot Jokes
- Toes Foot Jokes
- Foot Tall Jokes
- Foot Doctor Jokes
- Hurt Foot Jokes
- More Foot Jokes
Funniest Foot Short Jokes
Short foot jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The foot humour may include short feet jokes also.
- Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. Thank god I live in Canada
- What is the most sensitive part of your body while pleasuring yourself? Your ear listening for foot steps.
- I got frostbite and had part of my foot amputated. Then my girlfriend left me. She was lack-toes intolerant.
- why don't foot fetishists ever win anything? because they like the taste of defeat.
i'm not even sorry. - I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook groups because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet.
- When god created man Gods assistant: Is it done?
God: Hmm, add a little toe to his foot.
Gods assistant: Why?
God: For furniture.
Gods assistant: Furniture?
God: Believe me it'll be funny - At 23:59 31.12.2015 I raised my left foot off the ground Just to be sure I start 2016 on the right foot
- So this guy at college keeps calling me a flamingo one of these days I'm going to put my foot down.
- I don't mind following rules at work, but when my boss told me to stop impersonating flamingos... I had to put my foot down.
- Got the best compliment from my doctor today He said I had athlete's foot. I've only been training for 3 days so didn't think anyone would notice
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Foot One Liners
Which foot one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with foot? I can suggest the ones about thumb and heels.
- My girlfriend told me to stop impersonating a flamingo... I had to put my foot down
- Why do people with foot fetishes never win? Because they like the taste of defeat
- When my mom told me to stop acting like a flamingo I had to put my foot down.
- My wife asked me to stop acting like a flamingo I had to put my foot down.
- Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Then it'll be a foot.
I'm so sorry. - Why are people with foot fetishes always losers? They love the smell of defeat.
- When my wife told me to stop imitating flamingos, I had to put my foot down
- When my wife asked me to stop being a flamingo.. I had to put my foot down
- Why can't a nose be twelve inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
- I know a guy who survived an 8000-foot fall out of a plane. Until he hit the ground.
- What do you call a 4 foot psychic that got away with robbery? A small medium at large
- What's a foot long, made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe.
- Why do Foot fetishists make terrible Olympians? They love the taste of defeet.
- Got a really nice 3 foot ruler today... I bought it at a Yard sale.
- Buzz Aldrin was the second man to step foot on the moon. Neil before him. Neil.
One Foot Jokes
Here is a list of funny one foot jokes and even better one foot puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Two foot fetishists are sitting in the back of a police van. One turns to the other says:
"I think we got off on the wrong foot." - What do you call a woman who does not have all her toes on one foot? Normal
- Why can't a nose be 12 long? Because then it'd be a foot.
I already regret this one - What did one foot say to the other? I love shoe.
- My son asked me "Cows are so big, how do they walk?" Simple, just put one foot in front of an udder.
- A mathematician has one foot in a bucket of lava and the other on a block of ice On average, he's okay.
- What do you call a dead man that was only 12 inches tall? One foot in the grave.
- A Smart Blonde, Big Foot and Santa Claus Jump From A Building. Who reaches the ground first? No one, none of them exists.
- My little cousin dropped this one on me: Me: Wow, you must've grown a foot since the last time I saw you!
Cosin: Nope, still have two! - Which foot is the pirate's favorite? The one that's left
Toes Foot Jokes
Here is a list of funny toes foot jokes and even better toes foot puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I dropped a huge bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday.... It caused severe pain To-ma-toes.
- There's an actual medical term for when your foot falls asleep. It's called 'coma toes'
- My gf broke up with me after I licked her toes… …i guess I got off on the wrong foot.
- If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get? Missile toe.
- What's the difference between a camera and a foot? A camera has photos and a foot has five toes.
(Told to me by a 9 year old child I work with) - I cut off the end of my foot but the Doctor wouldn't treat me. Turns out he was lack toes intolerant.
- If athletes get athlete's foot, what do candy makers get? Tic tac toe
- What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.
- What do you call an unconscious foot? Coma-toes!
(I made up this joke when I was 10.) - My friend walked out on his date when she told him she had a deformed foot. I told him he shouldn't be lack toes intolerant.
Foot Tall Jokes
Here is a list of funny foot tall jokes and even better foot tall puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The Ukrainian government is opening up a tourist attraction in Chernobyl. It will be like Disney World, except the six foot tall mouse is real.
- A 3 foot tall psychic escapes prison, then he gets a look at the newspaper "Small medium at large"
- Today at the park / Saw a six foot tall pigeon Now that's a high coo!
- How tall is the worlds tallest amputee? About a foot shorter than the tallest man.
- I was at the courthouse today and witnessed a 4 foot tall felon go down a flight of stairs.... It was a little condescending.
- Have you guys heard of the king that was only a foot tall? He was a 12 inch ruler.
- What do you call a four foot tall mind-reader who escaped from jail? A small medium at large.
- Did you know that the queen is only a foot tall? She's a ruler.
- Have you heard the one about the 60-foot-tall boxer? Never mind, the punchline would just go over your head.
- Did you see the headline about the 5 foot tall psychic that escaped from prison? It was:
"Small medium at large"
Foot Doctor Jokes
Here is a list of funny foot doctor jokes and even better foot doctor puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Never thought a foot doctor would help… …now I stand corrected.
- "My goodness, you've grown a foot since I last saw you..." ...said the doctor in Chernobyl.
- A man goes into the doctor with a penguin on his head. The doc asks. "And what can I do for you?."
Penguin replys. "Well Doc. It started as a growth on my foot...." - Did you hear the news? Kevin Bacon has leprosy. It's true. Doctors say he's got a foot loose.
- Doctor, I'm Santa. I just shot myself in the foot with an icicle-gun! Santa, I believe in you and that you'll have a swift recovery. You're lucky you managed to missalltoe
- A man walks into a doctor's office with a duck standing on his head The doctor said - "how did this happen?"
"I'm not sure. It started a couple weeks ago as a growth on my foot," says the duck. - I grew a whole foot the summer after 8th Grade! Yeah the doctors were shocked, It took 3 surgeries to remove.
- I went to the doctor... Because the back of my foot hurt.
He told it could be months before it heels. - If you eat enough, eventually, you will lose weight! It's true! The doctors are cutting my foot off tomorrow!
- My doctor told me to distance myself from drugs. So I bought a six foot straw.
Hurt Foot Jokes
Here is a list of funny hurt foot jokes and even better hurt foot puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I hurt my foot a week ago and it's still hurting. I guess it hasn't fully heeled yet.
- Last night I was reading "A Christmas Carol" to my kids when I dropped the book on my foot. It hurt like the Dickens!
- Fun Fact: if you drop a can of Coca-Cola on your foot it will hurt. A little ironic considering it's a soft drink.
- I hurt my foot driving the other day . so I called the toe company
- Doctor doctor Doctor doctor when I touch my forehead,shoulder,leg and foot it really hurts!
(Doctor says) no wonder you have a broken finger!! - My wife was feeling frisky before work today. She said give me a foot and make it hurt! So I banged her twice and punched her in the mouth.
- I hurt my foot in a car accident So I called the toe company
- A tour group fell off a 90 foot balcony, but nobody was hurt. Everyone did die, though.
- I hurt my foot the other day. My heel can't support any weight. But I haven't got to see a doctor yet. I'm just tiptoeing around the issue.
Laughter Foot Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What funny jokes about foot you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean happy feet jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make foot pranks.
Why Americans don't use metric?
f**...
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
**
I was at a football game. Sold out stadium, but the guy next to me had an empty seat next to himself...
...As the game wore on, I asked him "Who's seat is that?" He looked at me sadly and said "That was my wife's seat but she passed away."
"I'm sorry to hear that." I replied. "You don't have any other family that might want to come to the game with you?" He shook his head and said "Nah... they're all at the f**..."
I haven't worked out since...
I haven't worked out since that one time I tried to reach for a bag of chips at the foot of the bed and did a sit-up by mistake.
That wasn't the joke. The joke is my life.
Why did the l**... c**... his car?
He left his foot on the accelerator.
Deer Season
Seven guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Kevin's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later the six get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with his gear set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the stove.
"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk Melissa into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair at home and Melissa came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, here I am.
A father tells his 10 year old son...
"Sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on your cereal every morning and you will have a very long life".
His son followed his father's advice every morning without missing a day until he died at the age of 186 leaving behind 28 children, 67 grandchildren, 148 great grandchildren and a 7 foot crater where the crematory used to be.
UPDATE: This blew up. (Pun not intended)
A Foot And A Half
Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a v**.... So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.
Don't worry, Maria, says the mother, all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!
Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.
So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!
Stay here and stir the pasta, says the mother.
This is a job for Mama.
At my friend's house, her dad told us these jokes called "Mama mama jokes." I expected old fashioned "Yo' mama" jokes. I got these.
Mama, Mama, I don't like little brother!
Shut up and eat what you're told.
Mama, Mama, I don't want to go to Hawaii!
Shut up and keep swimming.
Mama, Mama, I don't like going in circles!
Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!
Honestly, I'm scarred.
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp and out comes a genie. The genie says, "I will grant you any three wishes you want, but whatever you wish for I will give your mother-in-law double."
The man agrees to the terms and says, "I wish for a billion dollars." Instantly, he has a billion dollars and his mother-in-law has two billion dollars.
The man then says, "I wish for a 10,000 square foot home on 100 acres." The genie grants his wish and gives his mother-in-law a 20,000 square foot home on 200 acres.
Finally, the man cleverly says, "I wish for you to beat me half to death."
the three legged pig joke reminded me of a joke my dad once told me
a scientist was doing an experiment on a frog in his lab, he placed the frog down on the floor and said "Frog jump!". the frog jumped 4 feet and so he noted in his notebook
"frog with 4 legs, jumps 4 feet"
he then cut off one of the frogs legs and again said "Frog jump!". the frog jumped only 3 feet this time and so he noted in his notebook
"frog with 3 legs, jumps 3 feet"
he cut off a 2nd leg and said "Frog jump!". this time the frog only jumped 2 feet and so he noted
"frog with 2 legs, jumps 2 feet"
he then cut off a 3rd leg and again said "Frog jump!". the frog only jumped a foot and so he noted
"frog with 1 leg, jumps 1 foot"
the scientist then cut off the frogs last remaining leg and said "Frog jump!, Frog jump!, FROG JUMP!!!!!" but the frog did not move. so he noted
"frog with 0 legs, deaf"
3 statisticians go hunting
They see a deer. The first statistician shoots, but his shot misses by a foot to the left. The second statistician shoots, but her shot misses by a foot to the right. The third statistician says "Alright, we got it!"
An old cowboy told his grandson...
An old cowboy told his grandson "The secret to a long, healthy life is to put a pinch of gunpowder in your oatmeal every morning." The grandson took this advice to heart, and everyday for the rest of his life put a pinch of gunpowder in his oatmeal every morning. When he died at the age of 132 he left behind 5 children, 12 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren, 78 great great grandchildren, and a 50 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
Football with a blonde girlfriend
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
A man is in a foot fetishist club
His girlfriend knows and says that he can give a picture of her feet to the other people in the club. He does and they say that they are the best feet ever. So he goes home and realizes that he had a picture of his girlfriend's mom's feet. He goes to the club the next day and says... Guys we got off on the wrong foot
If someone has a f**......
...and they cheat, does that mean they got off on the wrong foot?
Three men compare how they control their wives...
Three friends are sitting in a bar after a day of work, discussing their lives when the topic of conversation turns to how often they fight with their wives. The first guy says, "I just put my foot down and tell her what's what, and there's no more arguing after that. Then I get the TV to myself all night."
The second guy says, "I just keep repeating my point until she sees the light. Then she always makes my favourite dinner and gives me a back rub."
The third guy says, "Every time we argue, my wife is always on her hands and knees by the end of it."
The other two look at him, impressed. "Then what happens?" The second one asks.
"Well," the third says, " then she says 'Get out from under the bed and fight me you p**...!' "
So this atheist explorer is in trouble...
...with a tribe of savage cannibals. He's cornered with no possible way out when he exclaims in his desperation 'God, I'm s**...!'
Suddenly the clouds part and a booming voice says 'No son, you are not. Take that rock near your right foot and throw it at that old cannibal with the large headdress!'
The explorer obeys, and the chief of the tribe lies dead on the ground.
The voice says 'NOW you're s**...!'
I tickled my little brothers foot this morning. And my mom went crazy about it.
Something about "Waiting until he's born".
What did the biologist's sister say to her sister after she dropped a beaker on her foot...
Mitosis
The English and the Scots.
A Englishman and a Scot are walking along the beach when the Englishman kicks over a lamp and a genie appears. He grants them one wish each. The Englishman says "I wish a hundred foot tall and 100 feet wide wall surrounded England, and no-one can get in or out." The genie snaps his fingers and says "It is done." He then turns to the Scot, who says "Fill it with water."
I was at the football game the other day...
It was the biggest game of the season, and all the seats were taken. Because of this, my buddies had to sit further away from me
I looked over and saw the two seats to my left were empty. Curious, I asked the guy beside the empty seats if anyone was coming for them.
"My wife was supposed to come, but she passed away recently," he replied.
I apologized and offered my condolences. "And the other empty seat?" I asked him.
"My best friend was supposed to come with us," he answered. I asked him why his best friend didn't come.
The man replied, "Oh, he's at the f**...!".
BIG fight
Me and the wife had a big fight,she told me to leave the house. To spite her I went upstairs and packed my bags. As I was walking down the stairs, a suitcase in each hand, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. When we're at eye level, she says to me. 'I hope you die a slow and painful death.' Looking into her eyes, I reply, "So, now you want me to stay?'
are you sure I'm drunk?
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk."
The wasted man asked, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."
Ladies, if he says he's six foot four inches, make sure that's not two separate measurements.
My husband wants me to stop working on my flamingo impression.
I had to put my foot down.
A guy in a wheelchair sped over my foot.
"You better watch where you're going next time." I told him.
He said, "I'm handicapped, you can't do anything."
I said, "No, you're handicapped, you can't do anything."
What does someone with a f**... wish for?
To meet their solemate.
Ukrainian authorities are planning to turn the Chernobyl exclusion zone into an amusement park
They say the only difference between it and Disneyland will be that the six foot tall mouse isn't a costume.
My wife told me I'm not allowed to impersonate a flamingo anymore...
I had to put my foot down
Why can't your hand be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot..
A man claimed he could jump higher than his house...
A man was talking to his friend and he said, "Dude, I bet $20 that I can jump higher than my house." His friend replied, "Ok, deal."
They went outside and the man jumped a foot into the air. "Well, time to pay up!" said his friend. "Nope!", the man said, "You owe me $20!" "How?" "I jumped a foot in the air, and my house can't jump at all!"
Today at school, my teacher said I needed to stop doing my impression of a Flamingo
That's when I had to put my foot down.
Hillary and Trump tie in the election...
And the election moderator isn't sure what to do. So he decides that the president will be decided by a foot race around the White House lawn.
Trump is up first, and his final time around the lawn is 10 minutes 11 seconds.
Hillary is up next, and her final time around the lawn is 9:20.
The moderator tells Hillary she's won the election and the presidency, and tells her her time. Hillary asks "9:20? Is that a record around the lawn?"
The moderator says "No, Bush did 9:11".
Everyone is panicking about the stock markets....
But the 31 foot mexican ladder company I invested in is surging.
Why did h**... always win foot races?
He was the fascist one.
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses.
She yells down the stairs, Was I getting in or out of the bath?
The 94-year-old yells back, I don't know.
I'll come up and see. She starts up the stairs and pauses.
Then she yells out, Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, I sure hope I never get that forgetful.
She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then replies, I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.
In order to finish my 2016 resolution, i cut off my left leg...
That way, I'll reach my goal of losing 20 pounds AND start 2017 off on the right foot!
Why don't people with foot fetishes mind being on the losing side of a battle?
They like the taste of defeat
If a man with a f**... cheats on his wife...
Does that mean he got off on the wrong foot?
My kid grew a foot in the last month.
Anyone know where I can buy shoes in sets of three?
How do you get a football player to stop resisting arrest?
Sing the national anthem
I didn't notice that the bike my friend gifted me didn't have pedals.
I knew something was missing, but I just couldn't put my foot on it.
Quantum entanglement is not hard to understand:
Socks come in pairs. If you put a sock on your left foot, the other sock of the pair instantly becomes the right sock, no matter where it is located in the universe.
I tickled my little brother's foot
I tickled my little brother's foot yesterday and my mom went crazy and said,
"Wait until he is born"
I feel bad for the hypnotist I saw yesterday
He hypnotized 7 guys then dropped the microphone on his foot and screamed:
F*c**... me
How to Live a Long Life
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.
When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
I wanted to show appreciation to my new girlfriend's f**.... Little did I know the woman in the bed was her sister..
I got off on the wrong foot.
I fell off of a 20 foot ladder today at work.
Thankfully I was on the bottom step.
The tiny door to the magic castle was barely big enough to crawl through. It was carved with a half-lion, half-eagle, and guarded by a fearsome raven that would only allow you to pass if you breathed on its foot...
So basically you had to huff n puff on the raven claw then slither in the griffon door.
My first s**... experience was a lot like my first foot ball game.
There was a lot of sweat and blood but at least my dad came.
As a spectator at the last Summer Olympics, I saw a guy walking around carrying a 10 foot long stick...
"Are you a pole vaulter?" I asked.
"No," he responded. "I'm a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
An Englishman stops p**... for directions.....
An Englishman stops p**... for directions... "Excuse me pal, what's the quickest way to Dublin?"
p**... says "Are you on foot or in the car?"
The Englishman says "In the car."
p**... replies "That's the quickest!"
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot.
~*Badum tss*~
After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well...
During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the s**... play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.
I fell off a 30 foot ladder yesterday.
I'm fine, I was only on the second rung.
The real reason for the missing of many flat-earthers in recent weeks as suggested by their friends of similar thought
The Flat Earth Society has reported that the 6 foot social distancing measures have led to the pushing of some of their members over the edge.
