Foot Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Foot puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Foot

How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.


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What is the most sensitive part of your body while pleasuring yourself?

Your ear listening for foot steps.

I got frostbite and had part of my foot amputated. Then my girlfriend left me.

She was lack-toes intolerant.

are you sure I'm drunk?

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk."

The wasted man asked, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."

My girlfriend told me to stop impersonating a flamingo...

I had to put my foot down

why don't foot fetishists ever win anything?

because they like the taste of defeat.

i'm not even sorry.

Why do people with foot fetishes never win?

Because they like the taste of defeat

When god created man

Gods assistant: Is it done?

God: Hmm, add a little toe to his foot.

Gods assistant: Why?

God: For furniture.

Gods assistant: Furniture?

God: Believe me it'll be funny

At 23:59 31.12.2015 I raised my left foot off the ground

Just to be sure I start 2016 on the right foot

Quantum entanglement is not hard to understand:

Socks come in pairs. If you put a sock on your left foot, the other sock of the pair instantly becomes the right sock, no matter where it is located in the universe.

When my mom told me to stop acting like a flamingo

I had to put my foot down.

If a man with a foot fetish cheats on his wife...

Does that mean he got off on the wrong foot?

Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?

Then it'll be a foot.

I'm so sorry.

Why are people with foot fetishes always losers?

They love the smell of defeat.

As a spectator at the last Summer Olympics, I saw a guy walking around carrying a 10 foot long stick...

"Are you a pole vaulter?" I asked.

"No," he responded. "I'm a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"

So this guy at college keeps calling me a flamingo

one of these days I'm going to put my foot down.

When my wife told me to stop imitating flamingos,

I had to put my foot down

A father tells his 10 year old son...

"Sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on your cereal every morning and you will have a very long life".

His son followed his father's advice every morning without missing a day until he died at the age of 186 leaving behind 28 children, 67 grandchildren, 148 great grandchildren and a 7 foot crater where the crematory used to be.

UPDATE: This blew up. (Pun not intended)

An old cowboy told his grandson...

An old cowboy told his grandson "The secret to a long, healthy life is to put a pinch of gunpowder in your oatmeal every morning." The grandson took this advice to heart, and everyday for the rest of his life put a pinch of gunpowder in his oatmeal every morning. When he died at the age of 132 he left behind 5 children, 12 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren, 78 great great grandchildren, and a 50 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

When my wife asked me to stop being a flamingo..

I had to put my foot down

I don't mind following rules at work, but when my boss told me to stop impersonating flamingos...

I had to put my foot down.

I haven't worked out since...

I haven't worked out since that one time I tried to reach for a bag of chips at the foot of the bed and did a sit-up by mistake.

That wasn't the joke. The joke is my life.

Why Americans don't use metric?

Foot fetish

Got the best compliment from my doctor today

He said I had athlete's foot. I've only been training for 3 days so didn't think anyone would notice

My wife told me I'm not allowed to impersonate a flamingo anymore...

I had to put my foot down

I tickled my little brother's foot

I tickled my little brother's foot yesterday and my mom went crazy and said,

"Wait until he is born"

I wanted to show appreciation to my new girlfriend's foot fetish. Little did I know the woman in the bed was her sister..

I got off on the wrong foot.

How do you get a football player to stop resisting arrest?

Sing the national anthem

Ladies, if he says he's six foot four inches, make sure that's not two separate measurements.

What did the biologist's sister say to her sister after she dropped a beaker on her foot...

Mitosis

After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well...

During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the sexy play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.

Ukrainian authorities are planning to turn the Chernobyl exclusion zone into an amusement park

They say the only difference between it and Disneyland will be that the six foot tall mouse isn't a costume.

I once knew a girl who only dated tall guys

I guess you could say she had a foot fetish

What's a foot long, made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe.

If someone has a foot fetish...

...and they cheat, does that mean they got off on the wrong foot?

Two foot fetishists are sitting in the back of a police van.

One turns to the other says:

"I think we got off on the wrong foot."

Got a really nice 3 foot ruler today...

I bought it at a Yard sale.

Buzz Aldrin was the second man to step foot on the moon.

Neil before him. Neil.

How to Live a Long Life

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

At my friend's house, her dad told us these jokes called "Mama mama jokes." I expected old fashioned "Yo' mama" jokes. I got these.

Mama, Mama, I don't like little brother!

Shut up and eat what you're told.

Mama, Mama, I don't want to go to Hawaii!

Shut up and keep swimming.

Mama, Mama, I don't like going in circles!

Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!

Honestly, I'm scarred.

The English and the Scots.

A Englishman and a Scot are walking along the beach when the Englishman kicks over a lamp and a genie appears. He grants them one wish each. The Englishman says "I wish a hundred foot tall and 100 feet wide wall surrounded England, and no-one can get in or out." The genie snaps his fingers and says "It is done." He then turns to the Scot, who says "Fill it with water."

Everyone is panicking about the stock markets....

But the 31 foot mexican ladder company I invested in is surging.

There's an actual medical term for when your foot falls asleep.

It's called 'coma toes'

Today at school, my teacher said I needed to stop doing my impression of a Flamingo

That's when I had to put my foot down.

I tickled my little sister's foot this morning and my mum went crazy about it...

..something about waiting until she was born

The real reason for the missing of many flat-earthers in recent weeks as suggested by their friends of similar thought

The Flat Earth Society has reported that the 6 foot social distancing measures have led to the pushing of some of their members over the edge.

I tickled my little brothers foot this morning. And my mom went crazy about it.

Something about "Waiting until he's born".

BIG fight

Me and the wife had a big fight,she told me to leave the house. To spite her I went upstairs and packed my bags. As I was walking down the stairs, a suitcase in each hand, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. When we're at eye level, she says to me. 'I hope you die a slow and painful death.' Looking into her eyes, I reply, "So, now you want me to stay?'

I fell off of a 20 foot ladder today at work.

Thankfully I was on the bottom step.

A man is in a foot fetishist club

His girlfriend knows and says that he can give a picture of her feet to the other people in the club. He does and they say that they are the best feet ever. So he goes home and realizes that he had a picture of his girlfriend's mom's feet. He goes to the club the next day and says... Guys we got off on the wrong foot

I feel bad for the hypnotist I saw yesterday

He hypnotized 7 guys then dropped the microphone on his foot and screamed:
F*ck me

The Ukrainian government is opening up a tourist attraction in Chernobyl.

It will be like Disney World, except the six foot tall mouse is real.

An Englishman stops Paddy for directions.....

An Englishman stops Paddy for directions... "Excuse me pal, what's the quickest way to Dublin?"

Paddy says "Are you on foot or in the car?"

The Englishman says "In the car."

Paddy replies "That's the quickest!"

Why did Hitler always win foot races?

He was the fascist one.

A man claimed he could jump higher than his house...

A man was talking to his friend and he said, "Dude, I bet $20 that I can jump higher than my house." His friend replied, "Ok, deal."
They went outside and the man jumped a foot into the air. "Well, time to pay up!" said his friend. "Nope!", the man said, "You owe me $20!" "How?" "I jumped a foot in the air, and my house can't jump at all!"

I fell off a 30 foot ladder yesterday.

I'm fine, I was only on the second rung.

What does someone with a foot fetish wish for?

To meet their solemate.

Why can't your hand be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot..

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?

Missile toe.

I was at a football game. Sold out stadium, but the guy next to me had an empty seat next to himself...

...As the game wore on, I asked him "Who's seat is that?" He looked at me sadly and said "That was my wife's seat but she passed away."
"I'm sorry to hear that." I replied. "You don't have any other family that might want to come to the game with you?" He shook his head and said "Nah... they're all at the funeral"

What do you call a woman who does not have all her toes on one foot?

Normal

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp and out comes a genie. The genie says, "I will grant you any three wishes you want, but whatever you wish for I will give your mother-in-law double."

The man agrees to the terms and says, "I wish for a billion dollars." Instantly, he has a billion dollars and his mother-in-law has two billion dollars.

The man then says, "I wish for a 10,000 square foot home on 100 acres." The genie grants his wish and gives his mother-in-law a 20,000 square foot home on 200 acres.

Finally, the man cleverly says, "I wish for you to beat me half to death."

Hillary and Trump tie in the election...

And the election moderator isn't sure what to do. So he decides that the president will be decided by a foot race around the White House lawn.
Trump is up first, and his final time around the lawn is 10 minutes 11 seconds.
Hillary is up next, and her final time around the lawn is 9:20.
The moderator tells Hillary she's won the election and the presidency, and tells her her time. Hillary asks "9:20? Is that a record around the lawn?"
The moderator says "No, Bush did 9:11".

Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it'd be a foot.


~*Badum tss*~

So this atheist explorer is in trouble...

...with a tribe of savage cannibals. He's cornered with no possible way out when he exclaims in his desperation 'God, I'm screwed!'

Suddenly the clouds part and a booming voice says 'No son, you are not. Take that rock near your right foot and throw it at that old cannibal with the large headdress!'

The explorer obeys, and the chief of the tribe lies dead on the ground.

The voice says 'NOW you're screwed!'

My first sexual experience was a lot like my first foot ball game.

There was a lot of sweat and blood but at least my dad came.

I was at the football game the other day...

It was the biggest game of the season, and all the seats were taken. Because of this, my buddies had to sit further away from me

I looked over and saw the two seats to my left were empty. Curious, I asked the guy beside the empty seats if anyone was coming for them.

"My wife was supposed to come, but she passed away recently," he replied.

I apologized and offered my condolences. "And the other empty seat?" I asked him.

"My best friend was supposed to come with us," he answered. I asked him why his best friend didn't come.

The man replied, "Oh, he's at the funeral!".

Deer Season

Seven guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Kevin's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

Two days later the six get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with his gear set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the stove.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk Melissa into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair at home and Melissa came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, here I am.

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together

One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses.
She yells down the stairs, Was I getting in or out of the bath?
The 94-year-old yells back, I don't know.
I'll come up and see. She starts up the stairs and pauses.
Then she yells out, Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, I sure hope I never get that forgetful.
She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then replies, I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.

Football with a blonde girlfriend

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

What's the difference between a camera and a foot?

A camera has photos and a foot has five toes.
(Told to me by a 9 year old child I work with)

My husband wants me to stop working on my flamingo impression.

I had to put my foot down.

My kid grew a foot in the last month.

Anyone know where I can buy shoes in sets of three?

Three men compare how they control their wives...

Three friends are sitting in a bar after a day of work, discussing their lives when the topic of conversation turns to how often they fight with their wives. The first guy says, "I just put my foot down and tell her what's what, and there's no more arguing after that. Then I get the TV to myself all night."

The second guy says, "I just keep repeating my point until she sees the light. Then she always makes my favourite dinner and gives me a back rub."

The third guy says, "Every time we argue, my wife is always on her hands and knees by the end of it."

The other two look at him, impressed. "Then what happens?" The second one asks.

"Well," the third says, " then she says 'Get out from under the bed and fight me you pussy!' "

A Foot And A Half

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.

Don't worry, Maria, says the mother, all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!

Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.

So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!

Stay here and stir the pasta, says the mother.

This is a job for Mama.

A tourist is lost in the deepest part of the Amazon...

Once there was a tourist lost in the deepest part of the Amazon. After a few days, he finds himself suddenly surrounded by hundreds of blood-thirsty natives. He looks up to the sky and says, "Oh my God, I'm screwed!!"

All of a sudden, the sky opens up, and there is a beam of light streaming down on him, and a voice booms out, "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your foot, and smash it onto the skull of the chief."

So the tourist looks down, and sees the stone. He picks it up, and bashes the life out of the chief, who is standing right in front of him. The chief is down on the ground, bleeding and lifeless, with his tribesmen in shock and disbelief.

Now, the sky opens up once again, and the voice booms out... "NOW, you're screwed."

Best knock knock joke ever..

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"

The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

A farmer went to a neighbor's...

..., and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door

"Is your Dad home?"

"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

"Well, is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she went to town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'

The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

Three mice walk into a bar...

After a few drinks, they get into a heated argument about how tough they are.

The first mouse says, When I see a mousetrap, I lay on my back and set it off with my foot. Then, I catch the bar with my teeth and bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite. Only then do I make off with the cheese!

The second mouse says, Oh yeah? Well, whenever I see rat poison, I take it all and grind it into powder. Then when morning comes, I use it to flavor my coffee! It helps me get a nice buzz going for the rest of the day!

The third mouse, checking his watch, sighs, stands up and says I've gotta go. I have a date with a cat.

3 statisticians go hunting

They see a deer. The first statistician shoots, but his shot misses by a foot to the left. The second statistician shoots, but her shot misses by a foot to the right. The third statistician says "Alright, we got it!"

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes