Following is our collection of Foot jokes which are very funny. There are some foot intolerant jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these foot planter puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Foot fetish
Take your foot off his head.
**
...As the game wore on, I asked him "Who's seat is that?" He looked at me sadly and said "That was my wife's seat but she passed away."
"I'm sorry to hear that." I replied. "You don't have any other family that might want to come to the game with you?" He shook his head and said "Nah... they're all at the funeral"
I haven't worked out since that one time I tried to reach for a bag of chips at the foot of the bed and did a sit-up by mistake.
That wasn't the joke. The joke is my life.
Seven guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Kevin's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later the six get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with his gear set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the stove.
"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk Melissa into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair at home and Melissa came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, here I am.
"Sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on your cereal every morning and you will have a very long life".
His son followed his father's advice every morning without missing a day until he died at the age of 186 leaving behind 28 children, 67 grandchildren, 148 great grandchildren and a 7 foot crater where the crematory used to be.
UPDATE: This blew up. (Pun not intended)
Mama, Mama, I don't like little brother!
Shut up and eat what you're told.
Mama, Mama, I don't want to go to Hawaii!
Shut up and keep swimming.
Mama, Mama, I don't like going in circles!
Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!
Honestly, I'm scarred.
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp and out comes a genie. The genie says, "I will grant you any three wishes you want, but whatever you wish for I will give your mother-in-law double."
The man agrees to the terms and says, "I wish for a billion dollars." Instantly, he has a billion dollars and his mother-in-law has two billion dollars.
The man then says, "I wish for a 10,000 square foot home on 100 acres." The genie grants his wish and gives his mother-in-law a 20,000 square foot home on 200 acres.
Finally, the man cleverly says, "I wish for you to beat me half to death."
a scientist was doing an experiment on a frog in his lab, he placed the frog down on the floor and said "Frog jump!". the frog jumped 4 feet and so he noted in his notebook
"frog with 4 legs, jumps 4 feet"
he then cut off one of the frogs legs and again said "Frog jump!". the frog jumped only 3 feet this time and so he noted in his notebook
"frog with 3 legs, jumps 3 feet"
he cut off a 2nd leg and said "Frog jump!". this time the frog only jumped 2 feet and so he noted
"frog with 2 legs, jumps 2 feet"
he then cut off a 3rd leg and again said "Frog jump!". the frog only jumped a foot and so he noted
"frog with 1 leg, jumps 1 foot"
the scientist then cut off the frogs last remaining leg and said "Frog jump!, Frog jump!, FROG JUMP!!!!!" but the frog did not move. so he noted
"frog with 0 legs, deaf"
An old cowboy told his grandson "The secret to a long, healthy life is to put a pinch of gunpowder in your oatmeal every morning." The grandson took this advice to heart, and everyday for the rest of his life put a pinch of gunpowder in his oatmeal every morning. When he died at the age of 132 he left behind 5 children, 12 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren, 78 great great grandchildren, and a 50 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
His girlfriend knows and says that he can give a picture of her feet to the other people in the club. He does and they say that they are the best feet ever. So he goes home and realizes that he had a picture of his girlfriend's mom's feet. He goes to the club the next day and says... Guys we got off on the wrong foot
You can explore foot podiatry reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean foot toe dad jokes. There are also foot puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Then it'll be a foot.
I'm so sorry.
...and they cheat, does that mean they got off on the wrong foot?
...with a tribe of savage cannibals. He's cornered with no possible way out when he exclaims in his desperation 'God, I'm screwed!'
Suddenly the clouds part and a booming voice says 'No son, you are not. Take that rock near your right foot and throw it at that old cannibal with the large headdress!'
The explorer obeys, and the chief of the tribe lies dead on the ground.
The voice says 'NOW you're screwed!'
I had to put my foot down
Something about "Waiting until he's born".
Mitosis
A Englishman and a Scot are walking along the beach when the Englishman kicks over a lamp and a genie appears. He grants them one wish each. The Englishman says "I wish a hundred foot tall and 100 feet wide wall surrounded England, and no-one can get in or out." The genie snaps his fingers and says "It is done." He then turns to the Scot, who says "Fill it with water."
It was the biggest game of the season, and all the seats were taken. Because of this, my buddies had to sit further away from me
I looked over and saw the two seats to my left were empty. Curious, I asked the guy beside the empty seats if anyone was coming for them.
"My wife was supposed to come, but she passed away recently," he replied.
I apologized and offered my condolences. "And the other empty seat?" I asked him.
"My best friend was supposed to come with us," he answered. I asked him why his best friend didn't come.
The man replied, "Oh, he's at the funeral!".
Me and the wife had a big fight,she told me to leave the house. To spite her I went upstairs and packed my bags. As I was walking down the stairs, a suitcase in each hand, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. When we're at eye level, she says to me. 'I hope you die a slow and painful death.' Looking into her eyes, I reply, "So, now you want me to stay?'
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk."
The wasted man asked, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."
I had to put my foot down.
One turns to the other says:
"I think we got off on the wrong foot."
To meet their solemate.
They say the only difference between it and Disneyland will be that the six foot tall mouse isn't a costume.
I had to put my foot down
Just to be sure I start 2016 on the right foot
Because then it would be a foot..
It will be like Disney World, except the six foot tall mouse is real.
because they like the taste of defeat.
i'm not even sorry.
I had to put my foot down
Normal
A man was talking to his friend and he said, "Dude, I bet $20 that I can jump higher than my house." His friend replied, "Ok, deal."
They went outside and the man jumped a foot into the air. "Well, time to pay up!" said his friend. "Nope!", the man said, "You owe me $20!" "How?" "I jumped a foot in the air, and my house can't jump at all!"
I had to put my foot down
That's when I had to put my foot down.
And the election moderator isn't sure what to do. So he decides that the president will be decided by a foot race around the White House lawn.
Trump is up first, and his final time around the lawn is 10 minutes 11 seconds.
Hillary is up next, and her final time around the lawn is 9:20.
The moderator tells Hillary she's won the election and the presidency, and tells her her time. Hillary asks "9:20? Is that a record around the lawn?"
The moderator says "No, Bush did 9:11".
But the 31 foot mexican ladder company I invested in is surging.
He was the fascist one.
Neil before him. Neil.
A shoe.
She was lack-toes intolerant.
Your ear listening for foot steps.
They love the smell of defeat.
Does that mean he got off on the wrong foot?
Missile toe.
I had to put my foot down.
Gods assistant: Is it done?
God: Hmm, add a little toe to his foot.
Gods assistant: Why?
God: For furniture.
Gods assistant: Furniture?
God: Believe me it'll be funny
one of these days I'm going to put my foot down.
Sing the national anthem
Socks come in pairs. If you put a sock on your left foot, the other sock of the pair instantly becomes the right sock, no matter where it is located in the universe.
I tickled my little brother's foot yesterday and my mom went crazy and said,
"Wait until he is born"
He hypnotized 7 guys then dropped the microphone on his foot and screamed:
F*ck me
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.
When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
I got off on the wrong foot.
Because they like the taste of defeat
Thankfully I was on the bottom step.
It's called 'coma toes'
There was a lot of sweat and blood but at least my dad came.
"Are you a pole vaulter?" I asked.
"No," he responded. "I'm a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
An Englishman stops Paddy for directions... "Excuse me pal, what's the quickest way to Dublin?"
Paddy says "Are you on foot or in the car?"
The Englishman says "In the car."
Paddy replies "That's the quickest!"
Because then it'd be a foot.
~*Badum tss*~
I bought it at a Yard sale.
He said I had athlete's foot. I've only been training for 3 days so didn't think anyone would notice
During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the sexy play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.
I'm fine, I was only on the second rung.
The Flat Earth Society has reported that the 6 foot social distancing measures have led to the pushing of some of their members over the edge.
I guess you could say she had a foot fetish
..something about waiting until she was born
I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing guideline has pushed anyone over the edge yet.
A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life is to sprinkle a little gunpowder into your oatmeal.
The grandson took his words seriously and ate gunpowder sprinkled oatmeal everyday. He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
When he died, he left behind 4 children, 9 grandchildren, 13 great grandchildren and one 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
...ouch.
Thank god I live in Canada
Those that use the metric system, and those that have set foot on the moon.
Said it gave him energy through the day. When he died at the ripe old age of 96, he left behind a grieving wife, 6 children, 14 grandchildren, 3 great grandchildren and a 25 foot hole in the side of the crematorium.
Reluctantly, I had to put my foot down.
It gets delivered a little early, so he sets it out on a table and goes back to finish up the morning's work. By the time him and his crew get back to it, though, there's something wrong. Most of the middle sections are missing, and the two ends have been pushed together, making it only a 4 foot sandwich.
He turns to his crew and asks if anyone snuck in to eat the sandwich. One by one, they all shake their heads and deny any wrongdoing. He's at a loss until one of his guys points out that the company had hired an electrician to do a bit of wiring that morning.
"Of course!" the boss exclaims, "he's the subcontractor!"
I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August.
Because they don't have soles.
^(My bf told me to put this here.)
That's when I really had to put my foot down.
But then it really grew on me.
Just step into their shoes.
He looked defeated.
In the end I had to put my foot down
Because then it would be a foot.
It's a contact sport.
Because then it would be a foot
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the foot inch jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working foot schlong piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.