Food Jokes

What are some Food jokes?

Handjobs



A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:

"Cheeseburgers: $5

Fries: $3

Handjobs: $10."

He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"

"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.

"Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

Two men are drinking in a bar

They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in.

The bartender comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here"

So they swapped sandwiches.

Tide has some serious ad time during the superbowl this year

Must be able to afford it after cornering the teenage snack food market

Veganism is like Communism

They are both fine, unless you like food

An unpaid internship is nothing like actual slavery

Slaves are given food and housing.

If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose?

"Gandhi."

Why him?

"More food for me."

What does the F in Ethiopia stand for?

Food

My Mum used to feed my brother and I by saying 'Here comes the train', and we always ate the food straight away.

Otherwise she wouldn't untie us from the tracks.

Food is like dark humor

not every one gets it.

An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"

**An African student:** What's food?

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

They say never go food shopping when you're hungry

but it's been over a week now and every day I just get hungrier.

The best part about being an abortionist..? [NSFW]

I haven't had to buy dog food in a long, long time.

I was forced to swallow purple food color.

I feel violated.

They say to never go shopping for food when you're hungry

but it's been a week already and I keep getting hungrier and hungrier.

I am so high and I made up a joke and I want to tell it and make someone laugh but no one is home so: Whats an epileptics favorite food?

SEIZURE SALAD.

I peed

My friend told me about a wonder food that he discovered that contains protein, fiber, and good fats

"That's nuts!" I exclaimed.

What food makes women stop giving blow jobs?

Wedding cake

being a waiter may not be a very glamorous job

but at least it puts food on the table

What one food reduces a woman's sex drive by 90%?

Wedding cake.

The police officer holds up a photo and asks a man; "is this your wife?"

The man looks at the photo and answers; "Yes that is her."
The police officer looks the man in the eyes and calmly exclaims; "I am afraid it looks as though your wife has been hit by a train."
The man replies; "Yes, officer, but she is kind and makes great food for me."

Do you know why I don't eat at Chili's or Applebee's?

Because i'm old enough to microwave my own food...

What do you get if you add up all the seconds of your life?

A lot of food you probably didn't need to eat.

Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house....

.....and it was delicious

The husband and the wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant

A few minutes later, the dinner was served.

Husband: The food looks great. Let's eat.

Wife: But honey, you always say a prayer before eating at home.

Husband: That's at home, sweetie. I'm sure the chef here knows how to cook.

I'm not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you...

I feel fine and I just had a really tasty leg of salmon...

My mother used to always say "give your food a rinse before you eat it."

Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.

Your mom so fat..

Her favorite jewellery is the food chain

Joke in honor of mole day

Three moles are going through the ground looking for food.
The first mole pops up out of the ground and sniffs around.
He says "hey guys I think were getting close I smell some syrup".
The next mole pops up and says "ya we must be a smell some syrup too".
The last mole pops up and says "I don't know guys all I smell is some molasses"

Why do French people eat snails?

Because they don't like fast food.

Q: What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%?

A: Her wedding cake.

Why do midgets make bad parents?

Cause they struggle to put food on the table

A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer.

Bartender says,"Sorry, we don't serve food here."

Son: Dad why is our food so cold and bland?

Dad: It's because your mother put her heart and soul into it.

What's the similarity between dark humor and food?

Some people don't get it.

So I decided to build a Restaurant on the moon

The food is great and all but there's no atmosphere.

Have you guys heard about the new restaurant on the moon?

Early critics say the food is good, but there's no atmosphere.

What was Hannibal Lecter's favorite Japanese food?

Rawmen

Thank God we don't need to hunt for food anymore

I mean, I have no idea where pizzas live in the wild

A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill...

A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat.

I think if he had to build his own computer he'd wouldn't whine on Facebook.

Vegans proven wrong again

If animals really didn't want to be eaten then why would they be made out of food?

Check mate vegans

What's the one food guaranteed to kill a woman's sex drive?

Wedding cake.

When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon

When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon and say, "There's a train coming. There's a train coming." We'd always eat it because we knew that if we didn't she wouldn't untie us from the railway line.

Two lawyers sit down in a restaurant...

Two lawyers sit down in a restaurant and open their briefcases, take out sandwiches, and start eating. A waitress comes up and says, "Excuse me, sirs, you can't eat your own food here." The lawyers shrug and exchange sandwiches.

Two men sit down at a restaurant.

A waitress comes to their table and takes their drink order. When she returns a few minutes later with their beverages, she finds them both eating sandwiches out of paper bags. "Hey!" she says, "you can't eat your own food here!" So they trade sandwiches.

The Lion with Christian feelings

Once upon a time... there was a missionary walking along the savannah when he suddenly encountered himself with a very hungry lion.

Scared to death, the missionary went down on knees and prayed "Oh dear Lord, please come down and give christian feelings to this poor criature".

After one second, the miracle occurred: the lion knelt down and prayed "Oh dear lord, bless this food you have provided me".

One day, Obi-Wan and Luke visit a Chinese restaurant...

Obi-Wan is eating normally, but Luke is having so much trouble with the chopsticks he's spilling the food all over the table.

Eventually, Obi-Wan becomes angry and says, "Use the forks, Luke!"

I like how the girl that called me a loser in high school is now blowing up my phone

She sends me things like what are your plans for dinner and Your dad and I are going out for dinner there's food in the fridge

A man walks into a bar ...

He goes straight to the bar and asks the barmaid for a beer which she begins to pour, while he's waiting he notices their small food menu to the side:

Cheese Sandwich Β£5

Ham Sandwich Β£5

Handjob Β£5

In disbelief he looks up at the barmaid who is absolutely gorgeous and asks "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?", "Yep" she replies with a smile. He checks his wallet for the Β£5 and says, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich."

Dark comedy is like food.

Not everyone gets it.

There's only one problem with North Korea's miracle cure for AIDS and Ebola:

The directions say the medication must be taken with food.

I swallowed some food coloring the other day. I'll be alright, but it feels like I dyed a little inside.

I saw a black guy riding a bike near my house yesterday

I thought it was mine. So I checked the garage and it was still chained up, asking for food.

There is one thing that United got right: their food is just great.

I hear they even serve a Chinese take-out now.

My friend told me that onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I broke his nose with a coconut.

Why do Vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?

Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don't like where real meat comes from.

A couple go to a restaurant...

And when their food arrives, the husband says

"Wow, this looks great! Let's dig in!"

Without another word, he starts devouring his plate. Meanwhile his wife glares disapprovingly at him.

"At Home, you *always* say grace"

Swallowing, the husband replies.

"Honey, that's at home. Here, the chef actually knows how to cook"

The U.N. initiates a poll...

The United Nations initiated a poll with the request, "Please tell us your honest opinion about the lack of food in the rest of the world."

The poll was a total failure.

The Russians did not understand "Please". The Italians did not know the word "honest". The Chinese did not know what an "opinion" was. The Europeans did not know "lack", while the Africans did not know "food". Finally, the Americans didn't know anything about the "rest of the world".

Dark humor is like food.

Some people don't have any.

A black hole and a nebula go out to lunch...

A black hole and a nebula are at a restaurant. The nebula orders a ginormous amount of food and the black hole only orders a drink and a small appetizer.
The nebula says the the black hole, "Are you sure you don't want more?"
The black hole replies, "Nah, I eat light"

A taxi driver and a priest go to heaven.

Both appear at roughly the same time at the pearly gates. The priest is given some wine and cheese. The taxi driver is given a yacht, a boat, a mansion and a box of diamonds.

The priest looks at St. Peter and says: "I was a priest for many years but all I get is a little house and some food. This guy gets all this stuff and he drove a taxi."

St. Peter says "Yes, but we go by results. When you gave sermons people slept, when he drove people prayed."

A man goes to jail.

A man was sentenced to death. By tradition, the man can request one last meal

"So what will it Be?" the executioner asked

"Instead of food, can I request to sing one last song? But you must let me finish the song"

Confused by this, the executioner agreed to let the man sing


The man begins "1,000,000 bottles of beer on the wall..."

A recently married couple...

A recently married couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. When the food was served, the husband said, "The food looks delicious, let's eat."

Wife: "Honey, you always say a prayer before eating at home. Won't you do that here?"

Husband: "That's at home sweetheart. Here the chef knows how to cook."

Dark humor is like food

not everyone in the world gets it.

They say male lions will often turn to cannibalism when they're desperate for food.

They just have to swallow their pride.

Couple in a Restaurant – Joke

Husband and wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant…

As the food was served, Husband said:
The Food looks delicious, let's eat.

Wife: Honey.. You say prayer before eating at home.
Husband: That's at home sweetheart… Here the chef knows how to cook.

There was once a starving homeless man near Pyongyang...

This joke has been removed.

Food and shelter are plentiful in North Korea.

To desire more is greed.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere

Yo mama is so fat..

..when she goes camping, the bears hide their food.

After having Chinese food, my cookie was missing the piece of paper on the inside!

It was unfortunate.

"I'm getting sick of eating airline food all the time."

Said the Malaysian shark.

Why do they eat snail in France?

Because they don't have fast food.

So a sandwich walks into a bar

He sits down and asks the bartender for a beer, the bartender says Sorry we don't serve food here .

A boy asks his father: "Dad, why is the food so cold and bland?" The dad replies:

Your mum put her heart and soul into it.

2 lawyers are in a restaurant eating their sandwiches.

The owner walks in and says, "You can't eat your own food in here!"

The lawyers sigh and swap sandwiches.

I started flossing again recently to remove food from between my teeth

I never realized just how much blood I was eating

A black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink...

The bartender asks if he'd like food with that.

The black hole said "no thanks, I'm a light eater."

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Good food, but no atmosphere.

What do you call a group of crows who see food?

A tempted murder.

I'll see myself out now.

What do cannibals call unvaccinated children?

Organic food

What does the 'F' in Ethiopia stand for?

Food

How much do you weigh after eating Chinese food?

Wonton

How to make Food jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Food to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Food? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Food pick up lines to share with friends.

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