Food Jokes

Why did the farmer run a steamroller over his potato field on Thanksgiving Day?

He wanted to raise mashed potatoes.

An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"

**An African student:** What's food?

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

Tide has some serious ad time during the superbowl this year

Must be able to afford it after cornering the teenage snack food market

Have you guys heard about the new restaurant on the moon?

Early critics say the food is good, but there's no atmosphere.

Joke in honor of mole day

Three moles are going through the ground looking for food.
The first mole pops up out of the ground and sniffs around.
He says "hey guys I think were getting close I smell some syrup".
The next mole pops up and says "ya we must be a smell some syrup too".
The last mole pops up and says "I don't know guys all I smell is some molasses"

What one food reduces a woman's s**... drive by 90%?

Wedding cake.

Two men sit down at a restaurant.

A waitress comes to their table and takes their drink order. When she returns a few minutes later with their beverages, she finds them both eating sandwiches out of paper bags. "Hey!" she says, "you can't eat your own food here!" So they trade sandwiches.

Food is like dark humor

not every one gets it.

I am so high and I made up a joke and I want to tell it and make someone laugh but no one is home so: Whats an epileptics favorite food?

SEIZURE SALAD.

I peed

Dark comedy is like food.

Not everyone gets it.

There's only one problem with North Korea's miracle cure for AIDS and Ebola:

The directions say the medication must be taken with food.

I swallowed some food coloring the other day. I'll be alright, but it feels like I dyed a little inside.

Two lawyers sit down in a restaurant...

Two lawyers sit down in a restaurant and open their briefcases, take out sandwiches, and start eating. A waitress comes up and says, "Excuse me, sirs, you can't eat your own food here." The lawyers shrug and exchange sandwiches.

Do you know why I don't eat at Chili's or Applebee's?

Because i'm old enough to microwave my own food...

When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon

When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon and say, "There's a train coming. There's a train coming." We'd always eat it because we knew that if we didn't she wouldn't untie us from the railway line.

Why do midgets make bad parents?

Cause they struggle to put food on the table

A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer.

Bartender says,"Sorry, we don't serve food here."

Q: What food diminishes a woman's s**... drive by 90%?

A: Her wedding cake.

The Lion with Christian feelings

Once upon a time... there was a m**... walking along the savannah when he suddenly encountered himself with a very hungry lion.

Scared to death, the m**... went down on knees and prayed "Oh dear Lord, please come down and give christian feelings to this poor criature".

After one second, the miracle occurred: the lion knelt down and prayed "Oh dear lord, bless this food you have provided me".

They say never go food shopping when you're hungry

but it's been over a week now and every day I just get hungrier.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere

My mother used to always say "give your food a rinse before you eat it."

Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.

What food makes women stop giving blow jobs?

Wedding cake

Why do French people eat snails?

Because they don't like fast food.

The police officer holds up a photo and asks a man; "is this your wife?"

The man looks at the photo and answers; "Yes that is her."
The police officer looks the man in the eyes and calmly exclaims; "I am afraid it looks as though your wife has been hit by a train."
The man replies; "Yes, officer, but she is kind and makes great food for me."

A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill...

A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat.

I think if he had to build his own computer he'd wouldn't whine on Facebook.

Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house....

.....and it was delicious

I'm not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you...

I feel fine and I just had a really tasty leg of salmon...

Thank God we don't need to hunt for food anymore

I mean, I have no idea where pizzas live in the wild

Vegans proven wrong again

If animals really didn't want to be eaten then why would they be made out of food?

Check mate vegans

I was forced to s**... purple food color.

I feel violated.

The husband and the wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant

A few minutes later, the dinner was served.

Husband: The food looks great. Let's eat.

Wife: But honey, you always say a prayer before eating at home.

Husband: That's at home, sweetie. I'm sure the chef here knows how to cook.

They say to never go shopping for food when you're hungry

but it's been a week already and I keep getting hungrier and hungrier.

Son: Dad why is our food so cold and bland?

Dad: It's because your mother put her heart and soul into it.

One day, Obi-Wan and Luke visit a Chinese restaurant...

Obi-Wan is eating normally, but Luke is having so much trouble with the chopsticks he's spilling the food all over the table.

Eventually, Obi-Wan becomes angry and says, "Use the forks, Luke!"

If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose?

"Gandhi."

Why him?

"More food for me."

My friend told me about a wonder food that he discovered that contains protein, fiber, and good fats

"That's nuts!" I exclaimed.

I like how the girl that called me a loser in high school is now blowing up my phone

She sends me things like what are your plans for dinner and Your dad and I are going out for dinner there's food in the fridge

What's the one food guaranteed to kill a woman's s**... drive?

Wedding cake.

Veganism is like Communism

They are both fine, unless you like food

What was Hannibal Lecter's favorite Japanese food?

Rawmen

My Mum used to feed my brother and I by saying 'Here comes the train', and we always ate the food straight away.

Otherwise she wouldn't untie us from the tracks.

What does the F in Ethiopia stand for?

Food

What do you get if you add up all the seconds of your life?

A lot of food you probably didn't need to eat.

Your mom so fat..

Her favorite jewellery is the food chain

being a waiter may not be a very glamorous job

but at least it puts food on the table

An unpaid internship is nothing like actual slavery

Slaves are given food and housing.

So I decided to build a Restaurant on the moon

The food is great and all but there's no atmosphere.

Apparently there's a beef shortage on the rise.

Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn't be affected.

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.

He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.

My 3 year old daughter asked

My 3 year old daughter asked: Where does p**... come from?

I decided it was best to explain it at a level she would understand so I said: You just had breakfast?

Yes , she replied.

Well, the food goes in your mouth down into your tummy. Our body takes all the good stuff it needs out of the food and then what's left goes down to your bottom and when you go to the toilet that comes out as p**....

She looked confused and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds. Then asked: And Tigger?

A guy comes home from work and he is clearly upset.

His wife looks concerned and asks him what's wrong. He shakes his head and refuses to say anything.

Later, during dinner, he's just pushing his food around on his plate and staring out the window.

"Honey, what is it? I've never seen you like this before," the wife says.

"It's . . . nothing," he says. "I can't burden you with my problems. It wouldn't be fair."

"*Your* problems?" the wife says. "We are partners. We face everything together. Your problem is my problem. There is no I, just we. Now please, tell me, what is it?"

"Well," he says, looking up at her glumly. "we got our secretary pregnant and now she's suing us for support."

What's the difference between this joke and a nudist soaked in food coloring?

One is n**... in dye and the other died in new.

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face?

Too close for comfort food!

After finishing my meal, the waiter gave me the dessert menu.

"Can I ask you something?" I said.

​

"Certainly," he replied.

​

I said, "Why did you just e**... food?"

These times are harder on people with disabilities.

My dwarf friend is struggling to put food on the table

To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....

How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

A British man was talking to his friend about his views on Brexit...

"These b**... immigrants come over here. They're up to no good, right? I hate these b**... immigrants. They need to go back to where they came from."


His friend replies with "But why do you hate them so much?"


The British man replies, "I'll tell you why I hate them, I'll tell you why. It's because they're not even trying to be British. That's why. They don't even TRY to be British. They come here, and bring their own b**... culture. They bring their own food, spit their own b**... languages, try to take over the whole b**... place."

His friend replies with "Well, that sounds British to me"

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer.

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

Two cowboys are lost in the desert.

No food or drink. One of them spots a tree draped in bacon! He shouts A bacon tree, we're saved and runs towards it. As he gets closer it shoots him full of bullets.

Turns out it wasn't a bacon tree.

It was a ham bush

My roommate keeps stealing my food so I ground up Pepper and made cupcakes with it.

Pepper was a dumb thing to name his dog anyway.

According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2020 was the Year of the Rat

So we've been spending the entire year holed up, only briefly leaving to get food, running at the sight of other humans, and transmitting infection.

Quarantine has turned us into dogs.

We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.

The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He'd just direct people to the protein powder section, and say...

..."This is the whey"

​

(Sorry)

A deer enters a bar...

A deer enters a bar and sits by the bartender. "Whatever's on tap, and keep them coming. I lost a patient today."

The bartender brings over a drink and says, "That's really rough. But I've never met a deer that's a medical practitioner. How did that happen?"

The deer replied, "Well I came from a impoverished part of the forest. It was difficult to get food, difficult to get water, and difficult to find shelter. Nothing came with ease, that's for sure."

"And a deer with no ease becomes a dr."

People say being a waiter is a bad job...

... but, hey, it puts food on the table.

I think my cats are communists

They expect free food and keep talking about Mao.

A hamburger walks into a bar..

The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve food here."

The best beginner pet is a Hamster.

They live for 5 days and don't require any food or water.

Made some Indian food for dinner the other night. While telling my wife what was in it, I said I'd used butter in one part, but wished I'd had some ghee instead. She looked at me quizzically, and I continued "Because it's more traditionally Indian."

"Ah," she replied. "Thanks for clarifying."

 

Note: this actually happened! She's a gem and I'm keeping her.

Dropped my best ever dad joke & no one was around to hear it

I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.

I said "hey look, an escaPEA"

No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

I just started a diet. Here's a recap of Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house

It was delicious

Mom asks, "Are you going to take me out to a restaurant for Mother's Day?"

Kid replies, "We have food at home"

Priest: Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to h**....

Alcoholic - Really? What about the guy who sells the liquor? Priest - He will also go to h**.... Alcoholic - Ok, what about the girl who sells Al Pastor tacos, and put's out in the food truck outside the Liquor Store? Priest - She too will go to h**.... Alcoholic - In that case, I have no problem going to h**....

I know we're all supposed to be tolerant of people from other cultures, but is it too much to ask that Asian waiters learn that all Caucasians don't look alike? My waiter just served my food to some other customer!

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with food.

I wasn't really listening, but she said something about not making enough thyme for her.

An Englishman, Frenchman and a Soviet go to an art exhibition.

They come to a marble bust of Adam and Eve. The Englishman says "Look at their calm repose, their stiff upper lip. They must have been English."
The Frenchman says "Look at their nakedness, their natural artistic beauty. They must have been French."
The Soviet goes "No no. They have no food, no water, no clothes and no shelter, and they're told they live in a Paradise. They're obviously Russian!"

Joke best told with very bad accents

What's Icarus' least favorite food?

hot wings

How to determine s**... of aquarium fish?

Easy. Give it some food. If he eats it, then it's a male, if she eats it, then it's a female.

Koi fish are incredibly intelligent, and naturally form groups of four fish, with each having a specialized role.

The group is always led by a leader fish , called koi A. The other three fish will follow it everywhere.

Koi B is in charge of hunting for the group, and will report back to them with the location of food.

Koi C is usually a large, aggressive female. She protects the group from threats, and asserts dominance over other groups of koi.

And if the fish are attacked, the other three swim away, and the predator always goes for the D koi.

The elites and nobles of Ancient Greece would often pay Diogenes with grapes or bread in exchange for his wisdom.

It's food for thought.

A burger walks into a bar...

The bartender says "sorry we don't serve food"

A ham sandwich walks into a bar

The bartender says I'm sorry but we don't serve food here .

Where did the computer mouse go to get a drink?

The spacebar

And you know I've been to a couple spacebars before, they're all exactly the same. Great food, no atmosphere.

yo mama is so fat

Her favorite food is 2nds

What's worse than Klingon food?

**Romulan music.**

What was The Mountain's favorite fast food restaurant?

Popeyes

I love my job

I get to serve several meals each day

I meet tons of facinating people

I always smile and ask " Wanna eat it here, or take it home ?
"
Though i'm met with a offensive remark each time, its still worth it.

God i love serving food in prison.

As a general rule, I never make fun of short people.

They have it hard enough putting food on the table.

Did you hear about the cannibal who made a belt out of a man's intestines?

What a waist of food.