food Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious food puns

Handjobs



A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:

"Cheeseburgers: $5

Fries: $3

Handjobs: $10."

He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"

"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.

"Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

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Two men are drinking in a bar

They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in.

The bartender comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here"

So they swapped sandwiches.

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Tide has some serious ad time during the superbowl this year

Must be able to afford it after cornering the teenage snack food market

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Veganism is like Communism

They are both fine, unless you like food

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If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose?

"Gandhi."

Why him?

"More food for me."

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What does the F in Ethiopia stand for?

Food

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My Mum used to feed my brother and I by saying 'Here comes the train', and we always ate the food straight away.

Otherwise she wouldn't untie us from the tracks.

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Food is like dark humor

not every one gets it.

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An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"

**An African student:** What's food?

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

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Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.

Priest - Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Is it? What about the guy who sells the liquor?
Priest - He will also go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Ok, what about the guy who sells pork tacos in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?
Priest - He too will go to Hell.
Alcoholic - In that case, I have no problem going to Hell.

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They say never go food shopping when you're hungry

but it's been over a week now and every day I just get hungrier.

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So my girlfriend and I were out to dinner...

..and she just reaches over and takes some of my food!
So I ask her, "can you tie 2 strings together?"

*What?*

"I'm asking, can you tie 2 pieces of string together?"

*I don't understand*

"Oh I'm sorry, what I'm asking is: can you fucking knot?"

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The best part about being an abortionist..? [NSFW]

I haven't had to buy dog food in a long, long time.

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I was forced to swallow purple food color.

I feel violated.

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They say to never go shopping for food when you're hungry

but it's been a week already and I keep getting hungrier and hungrier.

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I am so high and I made up a joke and I want to tell it and make someone laugh but no one is home so: Whats an epileptics favorite food?

SEIZURE SALAD.

I peed

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My friend told me about a wonder food that he discovered that contains protein, fiber, and good fats

"That's nuts!" I exclaimed.

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What food makes women stop giving blow jobs?

Wedding cake

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being a waiter may not be a very glamorous job

but at least it puts food on the table

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A man tells his wife "you've been watching the food channel for years and you're still one of the worst cooks I know..."

"Honey... for how many years you've been watching porn?"

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What one food reduces a woman's sex drive by 90%?

Wedding cake.

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This asshole calling himself a "food critic" said my cooking was shit, so I kicked him in the mouth

He didn't enjoy the taste of defeat

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The police officer holds up a photo and asks a man; "is this your wife?"

The man looks at the photo and answers; "Yes that is her."
The police officer looks the man in the eyes and calmly exclaims; "I am afraid it looks as though your wife has been hit by a train."
The man replies; "Yes, officer, but she is kind and makes great food for me."

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Do you know why I don't eat at Chili's or Applebee's?

Because i'm old enough to microwave my own food...

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What do you get if you add up all the seconds of your life?

A lot of food you probably didn't need to eat.

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Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house....

.....and it was delicious

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The husband and the wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant

A few minutes later, the dinner was served.

Husband: The food looks great. Let's eat.

Wife: But honey, you always say a prayer before eating at home.

Husband: That's at home, sweetie. I'm sure the chef here knows how to cook.

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My brother has taken being sent to jail really badly.

He has been refusing food and drink, spitting and scratching anyone who comes near and he smeared the walls with his shit.

I'm not inviting him to monopoly night again.

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I'm not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you...

I feel fine and I just had a really tasty leg of salmon...

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My mother used to always say "give your food a rinse before you eat it."

Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.

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Your mom so fat..

Her favorite jewellery is the food chain

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Joke in honor of mole day

Three moles are going through the ground looking for food.
The first mole pops up out of the ground and sniffs around.
He says "hey guys I think were getting close I smell some syrup".
The next mole pops up and says "ya we must be a smell some syrup too".
The last mole pops up and says "I don't know guys all I smell is some molasses"

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Why do French people eat snails?

Because they don't like fast food.

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Q: What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%?

A: Her wedding cake.

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Why do midgets make bad parents?

Cause they struggle to put food on the table

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What are the most funny Food jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Food? Well, here are the best Food dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Food pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes