Food Jokes

funny jokes about food and hilarious stories

BEST FOOD JOKES

Food jokes and pranks to have fun with friends and family. Top 10 jokes about Food of all time along with the funniest food gags ever told.

Handjobs


A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:

"Cheeseburgers: $5

Fries: $3

Handjobs: $10."

He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"

"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.

"Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

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Two men are drinking in a bar
They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in.

The bartender comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here"

So they swapped sandwiches.

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Tide has some serious ad time during the superbowl this year
Must be able to afford it after cornering the teenage snack food market

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An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"
**An African student:** What's food?

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

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My brother has taken being sent to jail really badly.
He has been refusing food and drink, spitting and scratching anyone who comes near and he smeared the walls with his shit.

I'm not inviting him to monopoly night again.

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Joke in honor of mole day
Three moles are going through the ground looking for food.
The first mole pops up out of the ground and sniffs around.
He says "hey guys I think were getting close I smell some syrup".
The next mole pops up and says "ya we must be a smell some syrup too".
The last mole pops up and says "I don't know guys all I smell is some molasses"

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Have you guys heard about the new restaurant on the moon?
Early critics say the food is good, but there's no atmosphere.

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They say male lions will often turn to cannibalism when they're desperate for food.
They just have to swallow their pride.

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After having Chinese food, my cookie was missing the piece of paper on the inside!
It was unfortunate.

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Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
The food is good, but the atmosphere is terrible.

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LATEST FOOD JOKES

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

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Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
The food is good, but the atmosphere is terrible.

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Donated a turkey to a local food bank today.
They're still wondering how I managed to get it into the trunk without it clawing my face off.

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he's not all bad: after an 12 hour shift at a local food kitchen, mayor Rob Ford selflessly turned down a hot meal.
"I've got more than enough to eat at home"

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A hamburger walks into a bar
The bartender says we don't serve food here!

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What does the arabs put in their Mexican food??
Allah-peΓ±os

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Rumours of a food shortage.....
Rumours of a food shortage at this year's Spoonerism Awards turned out to be a complete lack of pies.

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Have you ever had Ethiopian food?
Neither have they!

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Prom
The "geeky" kid in the grade asked the "hot" girl to the prom. Much to his and everyone's surprise, she said yes. While there, she knows she can get him to do anything. And so upon seeing the long buffet line, she asked him to go get her a plate of food. He happily agrees, and while he's gone to get the food, she dances with her friends and has a good time. He comes back, and she thanks him, they sit down and eat together. While eating she spills some food on her shawl. She says "oh no, it's going to stain quickly unless it comes out, can you go to the bathroom and wash it for me" he does so a bit perturbed, realizing she's getting the best of him. But he decides not to argue the point, and so waits in the line at the bathroom, goes in and washes her shawl. When he comes back she says, "this food was spicy, my mouth is burning! can you go get me some punch to quench my thirst?" he does so happily because there's no punch line

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To clear your conscience
In the midst of the second world war, there was a young Jewish girl on the run from the Nazis. She happened to come across a house where a 30 year-old man lived alone. She begged him to help her by providing a hiding place from the Nazis until the war was over. The man said that he would allow her to stay in his attic and he would provide food, as long as they could make love at his whim. The girl gladly agreed.

Twenty years later, the war long over, the man decides he wants to clear his conscience from doing what he did. He visits his church and says to the priest, "Father, I once sheltered a Jewish girl from the Nazis."
The priest replies, "That is a wonderful thing to do."
The man says, "You don't understand. I forced her to have sex with me as long as I sheltered her."
The priest replies, "That is ok. She had to pay you back somehow for saving her from the Nazis."
The man nods and then says guiltily, "Do I have to tell her the war is over?"

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I wish I was just like my nose
And all it takes is spicy food to get me to run.

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Gandhi once got into a food fight...
It was naan violence.

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the UN's question
the UN asked three countries the same question:
does food have limits and freedom
the african response was, what is food
the american response was, what is limits
the response from afghanistan response was what is freedom.

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They say male lions will often turn to cannibalism when they're desperate for food.
They just have to swallow their pride.

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Indian chief
So there's this Indian reservation, and the food stamps are 3 days late. People are starting to get uppity about it. So the local chief has to leave and go talk to the government people about it. He doesn't know English very well, so he is scared. But he makes sure not to let other see fear on his face. He goes down to the office, gets in line, and an old woman yells to him from the side of the room "hey! What's your name?"

He answers "Red Eagle Circle Water."

The woman replies "You don't hear a name like that every day."

The chief is confused, and he says back "Yeah I do."

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Depressed people need to eat during Happy Hour. It probly won't help with their depression, but food is a lil cheaper.

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You should never use French Haddock in sushi
You'll get food poissoning.

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My local Greek restaurant just started serving tacos and burritos....
I tried it earlier today and it turns out it's plain old Greecey Mexican food.

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Little Johnny at the Farm
Little Johnny lives on a farm with his family. One evening the family notices that one of the donkeys had manage to get out of the stables.

Johnny's dad tries to lead the donkey back into the stables but the stubborn animal will not budge. Johnny's mom tries to coax the donkey with carrots and hay, but the donkey just ignores the food.

Seeing his parents becoming increasingly agitated at the stubborn animal, Johnny offers to try and get the donkey back into the stables. He quickly fetches a pail of water from the trough and proceeds to dump it over the donkey's head. Both of his parents stare in awe as the donkey calmly saunters back into the stables and gently closes the door behind itself.

Still in disbelief at what he just saw, Johnny's father asks Johnny, Son, how did you know to do that?

Johnny replies, I was walking past y'alls bedroom last night when I overheard ma telling you, 'If you wet the head first, it'll go right in.'

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A very simple joke
What did the bee say when the bear took all of the honey?

MY FOOD!

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FOOD JOKES THAT ARE...

Food jokes can be funny or dirty, insulting of disgusting. Most of them are suitable for kids and family.

BEST SHORT JOKES

Short jokes about food, one liners, thoughts and captions that are funny and will make you laugh.

Tide has some serious ad time during the superbowl this year
Must be able to afford it after cornering the teenage snack food market

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Have you guys heard about the new restaurant on the moon?
Early critics say the food is good, but there's no atmosphere.

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They say male lions will often turn to cannibalism when they're desperate for food.
They just have to swallow their pride.

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After having Chinese food, my cookie was missing the piece of paper on the inside!
It was unfortunate.

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Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
The food is good, but the atmosphere is terrible.

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I told a Chinese guy that they always smell like Chinese food.
He said "aw that's lo, mein."

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Two irish men were eating in the pub.
The bar man shouts "Here lads you can't eat your own food in here!"

So they swapped sandwiches.

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I like my women the way Ethiopians like their food.
Any way I can get it, I'm so desperate at this point.

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Robbing a bank in Greece isο»Ώ like raiding a food warehouse in Uganda.
You look stupid and you get nothing out of it.

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Vegans
Vegans are confusing people. If they care about animals so much, why do they eat all of their food?

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BEST DISGUSTING JOKES

Disgusting and gross jokes about food.

What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.

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Q: Whats worse then finding a worm in your apple?
A: Finding half a worm."

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What do you call a chocolate Easter bunny that was out in the sun too long?
A runny bunny.

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Q: What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
A: Kids don't eat broccoli.

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A woman finds out that her husband is cheating on her, so she decides to leave him a present.


When he gets home, he finds an empty house, a bowl of cookies, and a video.
He scarfs down the cookies, and pops in the video.
On TV, he sees his wife sucking his best friend's d**k.
He comes in her mouth, and she immediately spits the jizz into a bowl of cookie dough.
Then she turns to the camera.
"Oh, hello, I want a divorce."

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Two flies sit on a pile of poop.
One fly passes gas.
The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I'm eating here."

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Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.
The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
The other missionary replied, "I just peed in the soup!"

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Five liters of bean soup for dinner – letΒ΄s spend the night with the gas mask!

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Q: What do you get when you mix beans and onions?
A: Tear gas.

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What does a cannibal eat with cheese?
Pickled organs.

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BEST BLACK HUMOR JOKES

Jokes about death, cannibals and animals for those with dark sense of humor.

KFC in Asia?
Korean fried cat.

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Q: Whats worse then a barrel of dead babies?
A: There is one at the bottom that is still alive.



Q: Whats worse then that?
A: He has to eat his way out.

Q: Whats worse then that?
A: He goes back for more.

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What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.

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Q: How is spinach like anal sex?
A: Chances are if you're forced to have it as a child you are probably going to hate it as an adult.

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Q: Whats worse then finding half a worm in your apple?
A: The Holocaust.

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Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients?
They hid their own eggs!

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Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
A: One scoop of ice cream and Two scoops of dead baby.

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What happened when the cannibal bit off a missionary's ear?
He had his first taste of Christianity!

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Q: Why are Germans bad cooks?
A: The only good one killed himself.

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Why did the cannibal live on his own?
He was fed up with other people.

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BEST INSULTING JOKES

Jokes with insults about food or eating habits ( mostly about Yo Mama ).

Yo momma so fat when she goes camping the bears hide their food.

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Yo mama's so fat the only alphabet she knows is her KFCs.

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Yo mama is so stupid when you asked her to grab McDonald's she brings the building home.

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Yo' Mama is like a bag of chips: Fri-to-lay.

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Yo mama so poor she bragged about the time she almost ate at a restaraunt.

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Yo Mama is like a refrigerator.
Meat goes in and out all day.

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Yo' Mama is so fat, her cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.

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Yo' Mama is so stupid, when they said, "Order in the court," she asked for fries and a shake.

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Yo mamma is so fat when she tried to go to McDonald's she tripped over Wendy's and landed on Burger King.

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Yo momma so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"

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WHAT ARE FOOD JOKES ABOUT?

Food is if great topic to laugh at. Some of the funniest jokes ever are about food.

Are Food jokes funny? For sure! There is no such thing as boring food joke here. All jokes are funny in their own way. You can also read food jokes images on Pinterest or watch videos with food jokes on YouTube.

TOP ANIMAL JOKES THAT ARE FOOD

Really funny food jokes about animals.

What kind of bees make milk? Boobies

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Yo momma so fat when she goes camping the bears hide their food.

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What is a cow's favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.

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What dog can't bark? A hot dog.

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What do you call a rabbit who works in a bakery?
A yeaster bunny.

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Where do milk shakes come from?
Nervous cows.

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Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them!

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I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried. Onions was a good dog.

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Little Johnny: β€žMom, can I get a dog at Christmas, please?"

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Mother: β€žNo, you'll be getting turkey, like every year!"

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Why did the boy throw the butter out the window? To see a butterfly.

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Why was the horse all charged up?
It ate some haywire!

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What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? I'm bacon!

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When will pigs fly? When we launch them to mars for the astronauts to have bacon!

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Why did the horses kept saying orange juice?
Because a filly gulped to much orange juice that she turned orange!

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What gives milk and has a horn?
A milk tank.

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What do you call a chocolate Easter bunny that was out in the sun too long?
A runny bunny.

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What do you get when you mix a cheetah and a hamburger? Fastfood!

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Q: What side of the cow gives the most milk?
A: The utter side.

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Q: Whats worse then finding a worm in your apple?
A: Finding half a worm."

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How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.

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Why don't you do arithmetic in the jungle? Because if you add 4 + 4 you get ate!

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What kind of bees make milk instead of honey?
Boobies.

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What do cows read at the breakfast table?
The moospaper.

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Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.

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How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?

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Q: Whats worse then finding half a worm in your apple?
A: The Holocaust.

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How do you make a rabbit fast?
Don't feed it.

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What do you call a bull that runs into a threshing machine?
Hamburger.

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Two flies sit on a pile of poop.
One fly passes gas.
The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I'm eating here."

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What do you get when you cross a rabbit with strawberry soda?
A berry bubbly bunny.

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Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: It was escaping from K.F.C.

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Q: What kind of bees make milk instead of honey?
A: Boo-bees.

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Why did the gray whale go on a diet?
Because he wasn't a Fin whale.

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A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich.


When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant.
A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law.
The panda bear tells the policeman that he's innocent and, if he didn't believe him, to look in the dictionary.
The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear."
It says, "Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves."

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Anyone who wanted to sell fish had to get permission from grandpa. He was known as the cod father.

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Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels!

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Why did the chicken cross the road? Because KFC was on the other side.

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Help! This is my first time cooking for Thanksgiving.

The turkey's been in the oven for two hours, and it's still running around!

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Teacher: Kids,what does the chicken give you?
Kids: Meat!
Teacher: Very good! Now what does the pig give you?
Kids: Bacon!
Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you?
Kid: Homework!

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Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a jar of peanut butter?
A: A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

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A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken.


The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, "Nothing special really... We just tell them they're going to die..."

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What do spiders like to order at a fast food restaurant?
Burgers and flies.

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Why did the rabbit run out of the fast-food restaurant?
He thought he heard someone order a quarter pounder on a toasted bunny.

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Chuck Norris was once so famished, he ate Turkey.
The country there now is only an impostor.

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Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder.


Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky.
Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

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What do you call a person in china who doesn't eat dog?
A tourist.

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What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk?
A milk dud.

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Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey on Thanksgiving?
They couldn't get the moose in the oven!

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Q: What do you call a cow playing with its self?
A: Beef stroganoff.

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Q: What do you get when you cross donkey DNA with an onion?
A: A piece of ass that will bring tears to your eyes.

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Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.

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Chuck Norris scares cows so bad, milk comes out their nose.

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What is a bear's favourite drink?
Koka-Koala.

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Q: What do the mosquito parents say to their small children, when they see people lying on the sandy beach during a hot summer day more than 15 minutes?
A: "Kids, prepare the cutlery and your chin-straps.
Our lunch is already heated up and ready for the consumption!"

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"What are you eating and how can I help?"
-Dogs

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I cooked Pancakes this morning. I was thrilled but my kids weren't. Apparently, he was their favorite rabbit.

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Yo' Mama is so fat, when she went to KFC, she ordered the bucket of chicken on the roof.

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What do you get from a short-legged cow?
Dragon milk.

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If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk.

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How do hens always know what size your egg cup is? They don't but all eggs always fit.

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Customer: "Waiter, there’s a fly swimming in my soup.

"
Waiter: "So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?"

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Two cows were talking.One cow asked the other"
I wonder what hamburgers are made of?"
The other cow replied "YOUR MOM!

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What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant?
An elephant who never forgets to eat his carrots.

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Why does a chicken lay eggs?
Because if she dropped them, they’d break.

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My dog Minton ate all my shuttlecocks. Bad Minton.

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What happened when the lion ate the comedian?
He felt funny.

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What is the difference between turkey and mother-in-law?
There is no difference: both are the best when they are cold on the table.

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What do you get if you cross a cow, a french fry, and a sofa?
A cowch potato.

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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?
An udder failure.

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Imagine that you are in the forest where there is a tiger in front of you right about to eat you.

What do you do? U stop imagining...

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What is the cheapest meat you can buy? Deer balls. There under a buck.

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What did the bunny say when he only had thistles to eat?
Thistle have to do.

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When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

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What do you call a cow during an earthquake? A milkshake.

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Did you hear about the new shark food restaurant called Jaws?
It costs an arm and a leg to eat there.

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Teacher: "I asked you to draw a cow and grass, but I only see a cow. Where is grass?"
Student: "The cow ate the grass, sir."

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.


The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on.
After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, "You fellas ought to know your limits."

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What do you call dog meat? Pet food.

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Customer: "Waiter, what’s the meaning of this fly in my tea up?"
Waiter: "I wouldn’t know sir, I’m a waiter, not a fortune teller."

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What do you get if you cross a steer and a chicken?
Roost beef.

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One day a blonde went to a sea food restaurant and saw the tank where they kept the lobsters.


She took pity on these creatures and hid them in her purse.
Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free.

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I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to contribute to cows having body issues.

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Chuck Norris eats black holes for breakfast.
They taste like chicken.

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A husband and wife are eating soup.
The wife spills soup all over her and says:
"Oh no, I look like a pig"
"Yes and you also have soup all over you!"

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Why did the dolphin feel crabby?
Because he ate too many crabs.

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I read somewhere that Alligators only have to eat once every three weeks.

.. if only that Disney Alligator could have waited one more day.

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Yo' Mama is so fat, she tried to eat her chicken pox.

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Bears do not eat bears.
Tigers do not eat tigers.
Dogs do not eat dogs.
Cats stopped eating kebabs.

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A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar. Now that's a sweet ass.

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What cheese would you use to entice a bear out of the woods? Camembert.


What cheese is made backwards? Edam.
Best cheese to use to disguise a horse? Marscaponie.

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Does running out of a burning barn make a cow unusual?
No, only medium rare.

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Why was the cannibal looking peeky?
Because he had just eaten a Chinese dog!

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What’s a mouse’s favorite record?
Please cheese me!

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A wise dog once told me: "Life is like a box of chocolates... it kills you."

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In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear.


In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful.
Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.
The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff.
His hopes were dim.
Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"
The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air.
Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.
Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive..."

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Yo mama cooking so bad, the flies chipped for a screen door!

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One day, Little Johnny's grandmother sent him to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him.
He dropped the bucket and ran back to grandma's house as fast as he could.
"Where's my bucket and my water?" She asked.
"I can't get any water from that water hole, there's a mean ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny.
He's been there for years, and he's never hurt no one.
Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

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Bill O'Reilly and his chauffeur accidentally hit and kill a farmer's pig while driving through the country.
O'Reilly tells the chauffeur to apologize to the farmer.
They drive up to the farm, and the chauffeur goes inside.
He is gone for a long time.
When the driver returns, he explains his long absence, "Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife made me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses."
"Why were they so grateful?" O'Reilly asks.
The chauffeur replies, "I don't know. All I told him was that I was Bill O'Reilly's driver and I'd just killed the pig."

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A monkey goes into a bar and asks the barman:
- Do you have any bananas?
- No,I don't.

( says the barman)
- Do you have any bananas? (asks the monkey)
- No,I have not got any bananas!
- Do you have any bananas?
- If you ask me that question one more time, I'll nail your tongue to the counter!
- Do you have any nails?
- No,I don't.
- Do you have any bananas?

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"I’m in a big trouble!"
"Why is that?"
"I saw a mouse in my house!"
"Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap."
"I don’t have one."

"Well then, buy one."
"Can’t afford one."
"I can give you mine if you want."
"That sounds good."
"All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap."
"I don’t have any cheese."
"Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap."
"I don’t have oil."
"Well, then put only a small piece of bread."
"I don’t have bread."
"Then what is the mouse doing at your house?"

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TOP ALCOHOL JOKES THAT ARE FOOD

Jokes about drinking alcohol and drunks.

My idea of balanced diet is beer in each hand.

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How do you get a couple of fat birds into bed? Piece of cake.

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I went to a party and met apple there.

I asked him to buy me a vodka, but Damn! He gave me a fruit punch.

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I drink straight out a of the wine bottle while cooking.

I think that's what they mean by reducing it.

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Booze booze the magical drink the more you drink the less you feel the less you feel the better the deal so drink booze for every meal.

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Diet tip: If you think you're hungry, you might just be thirsty.

Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

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Drink green beer on St Patricks Day! It counts as a vegetable!

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A man walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the guy started to leave.
"Excuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what the guy had done.
"What was that all about?"
"Nothing", said the guy, "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

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Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.

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What do you get when you cross a bunny with an orange?
A pip squeak.

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I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road.


He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen.
Damn, that is one ugly child!."
As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears.
Just then, a mailman came to her rescue.
"What's the matter, madam?" he asked.
"I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed.
"There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket.
"Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimp"

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Doctor's advice
A man has been ill for some time, has had tests and is now at the doctor's for the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news for you. You only have a few months to live"

"Doctor, isn't there anything I can do?"

"You can avoid all fatty and spicy food. Don't touch alcohol. Give up tea and coffee and drink only water. Avoid chocolate and anything with sugar in. Go to bed at 10.00 each night and don't do anything that gets you in the least bit excited."

"Will that make me live longer?"

"No, but it will seem longer"

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NASA scientists have found alcohol and ice on Mars surface...
all we need to take is some food and snacks ...

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Signs...
The following are all signs that you are a drunk. They include, but are not limited to...

- You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

- You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

- Your job interferes with your drinking.

- Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

- You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive fifth food group.

- Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not!

- You consider that having two hands and only one mouth is a drinking problem.

- You can normally focus better with one eye closed.

- The parking lot seems to have moved since you entered the bar.

- You fall off the floor sometimes.

- Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

- Mosquitoes stumble about after attacking you.

- At weekly AA meetings, you forget your own name.

- Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

- The whole bar greets you when you come in.

- You don't recognise your wife unless you see her through the bottom of your glass.

- That damned pink elephant followed you home again!

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Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "

Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made all the appetisers herself and we have a caterer coming in to provide plenty of sandwiches and cakes for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you properly prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

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Two russian guys are walking down the street and they find a $100.


So one says, "Ok, lets buy bread for $1 and the rest we spend on vodka?."
The other says, "I don't get it, why do we need so much bread?."

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A ham sandwich walked into a bar and the bartender said: "We don't sell to ham sandwiches.

"
But the sandwich replied: "That's okay, I only want a beer."

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Champions eat Wheaties for breakfast.
Chuck Norris eats Champions for breakfast.

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TOP CHOCOLATE JOKES THAT ARE FOOD

Funny jokes about yummy chocolate.

If kim kardashian was a donut wat kind would she be?
Chocolate filled.

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What do you call a chocolate Easter bunny that was out in the sun too long?
A runny bunny.

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We're like hot chocolate and marshmallows...
You're hot and I wanna be on top of you.

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I'm not saying I'm racist at all, but...
I put chocolate milk in back of the fridge.

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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.


At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray,
"Take only one. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, "Take all you want.
God is watching the apples."

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Are your legs made of Nutella?
Because I'd love to spread them!

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An old man and a young man work together in an office.


The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.
One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.
"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies.
"Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."

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Doctor's advice
A man has been ill for some time, has had tests and is now at the doctor's for the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news for you. You only have a few months to live"

"Doctor, isn't there anything I can do?"

"You can avoid all fatty and spicy food. Don't touch alcohol. Give up tea and coffee and drink only water. Avoid chocolate and anything with sugar in. Go to bed at 10.00 each night and don't do anything that gets you in the least bit excited."

"Will that make me live longer?"

"No, but it will seem longer"

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The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.


"Excuse me for disturbing you, ma'am," he said politely, "but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I've noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread."
"That's right."
"Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake."
"Well, today is his birthday."

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Imagine, there are on the bus only 5 persons:
A busman, an old woman, two younger women and one man.
The old woman comes to the busman and tells him: "Dear busman, would you like to eat a few hazelnuts?"
The busman says: "Yes, why not?"
He takes the hazelnuts from her hand and eats them.
This repeats even two times, but when the old woman offers other hazelnuts to the busman for the fourth time, the busman asks this old woman:
"Madame, where do you take all these hazelnuts from? It is a real amount and I am already full."
The old woman only says: "You know, dear busman, I have bought the chocolate with hazelnuts, the hazelnuts are very hard for my dental plate, so I have sucked them all out, brought it to you and you have already eaten them all."

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Viagra and hot chocolate.
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.

"How are you feeling grandpa?" he asks.

"Fine, Fine, just fine," says the old man.

"How's the food?" the young man asks.

"Terrific, wonderful menus, couldn't be better," adds the old timer.

"How are the nurses treating you?" the concerned grandson inquires.

"Great, these young nurses really take care of me." grandpa adds.

"What about your sleeping? Are you still having trouble sleeping?" again concerned about his grandad's response.

"No, Problem! 9 hours solid sleep every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet....and that's it...I go out for the night."

Scratching his head and very puzzled and confused the grandson rushes off to question the nurse in charge.

"What are you people doing? he says. "I'm told my 85-year-old grandpa gets Viagra on a daily basis. Surely this isn't true?"

The nurse smiles politely. "Yes, at 10 o'clock every night we bring him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works quite well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep all night and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

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A man visits his aunt in the nursing home.


It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he’s absentmindedly finished the entire bowl of peanuts.
"I’m so sorry, auntie, I’ve eaten all of your peanuts!"
"That’s okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I’ve sucked the chocolate off, I don’t care for them anyway."

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Q: How can you tell that a blonde been baking chocolate chip cookies?
A: There are M&

M shells all over the floor.

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TOP YO-MAMA JOKES THAT ARE FOOD

Funny jokes about Yo Mama's eating habits or food cooking skills.

Yo momma so fat when she goes camping the bears hide their food.

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Yo mama's so fat the only alphabet she knows is her KFCs.

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Yo mama is so stupid when you asked her to grab McDonald's she brings the building home.

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Yo' Mama is like a bag of chips: Fri-to-lay.

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Your mama so fat she eats ice cream with a shovel.

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Yo mama so poor she bragged about the time she almost ate at a restaraunt.

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Yo mama so dumb she used old spice body wash to cook.

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Yo Mama is like a refrigerator.
Meat goes in and out all day.

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Yo mama is so poor that she washes paper plates.

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Yo mama is so stupid, she returned a doughnut cause it had a hole in it.

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Yo' Mama is so fat, her cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.

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Yo' Mama is so fat, when she rubs her legs together, I smell bacon.

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Yo momma so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"

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Yo Mama is so fat, when she sweats, she smells like butter.

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Yo' Mama is so fat, when she went to KFC, she ordered the bucket of chicken on the roof.

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Yo' Mama is so stupid, when they said, "Order in the court," she asked for fries and a shake.

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Yo momma so fat, her patronus is a cake.

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Yo mama nose is so big she could smell what the rock was cooking before he started cooking.

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Yo mamma is so fat when she tried to go to McDonald's she tripped over Wendy's and landed on Burger King.

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Yo mamma so small she uses a Dorito for a hang lider.

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Yo mama so fat and stupid, she went to a grocery store and tried to gamble at Butterball.

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Yo Momma So Fat The Only Letters She Knows In The Alphabet Are K.F.C!

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Yo' Mama is so stupid, she thinks the Wu-Tang Clan is a Japanese orange drink company.

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Yo momma is so fat she made chocolate frogs go extinct.

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Yo' Mama is so ghetto, her wedding cake was made of cornbread.

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Yo' Mama is so poor, she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people's fingers.

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Yo momma so stupid she thought that doctor pepper could heal her.

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Yo' Mama is so stupid, she poured a bowl of Cheerios and said, "Look, my alphabet soup spells 'Ooooo.'"

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Yo' Mama is so fat, she tried to eat her chicken pox.

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Yo mama is so old in her time Burger King was know as Burger Prince.

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Yo' Mama is so nasty, she put a cucumber in her panties and pulled out a pickle.

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Yo Mama's just like peanut-butter...she spreads for bread !

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Yo' mama's breath so nasty, I don't know whether to give her Tic-Tacs or toilet paper!

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Yo mama's so technologically unsavvy, she leaves out pieces of cheese next to the computer!

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Yo Mommas teeth are so yellow I can't believe it's not butter.

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Yo Momma's so stupid, she ordered a cheeseburger without the cheese.

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Yo mama so poor when i went to her house and picked up a paper plate she yelled "Not my good china!"

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Yo' Mama is so skanky, when the waiter brought out her strip steak, she asked where to tuck the dollar bills.

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Yo momma is so fat when she sat on da toilet it said here's a carrot and a diet coke.

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Yo mama so fat all the McDonald's food are gone.

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Yo' Mama is so nasty, she uses bacon as bandages.

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Yo mamma is so fat, her diet pills say M & M.

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Yo' Mama is so stupid, she thought a ribbed condom was soul food.

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Yo mama so ugly that her mom only fed her with a sling shot.

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Yo' Mama is so fat, she uses the refrigerator for her lunch box.

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Yo mama so fat, when she went to a subway she mistook the train for a sandwich and ate it.

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Yo mama cooking so bad, the flies chipped for a screen door!

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Yo' Mama is so fat, she brought on world hunger.

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Yo Momma's so fat, when she goes to Taco Bell, they run for the border!

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Yo mama so fat when she went to bruger king the bruger was running as fast as they can.

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Your Momma is like Burger King "Have it Your Way".

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Yo' Mama is so flat, the last time she felt a breast was in a KFC bucket.

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Yo mama so fat that when she sat on a rainbow she made Skittles!

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Yo' Mama's cooking is so bad, your family prays after they eat.

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Yo' Mama is so fat, she keeps her diaphragm in a pizza box.

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Yo Mama's like a fast food retaurant, she takes orders from the front and the back.

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Yo mamma so stupid she locked herself in safeway and starved to death.

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Yo' Mama is so nasty, when I asked what was for dinner, she took off her shoe and said, "Corns."

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Yo' Mama's cooking is so bad, the homeless give it back.

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Yo mama so fat and poor the only thing she could afford to eat was grease.

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Yo' Mama is so stupid, she tried to put the leftover orange juice back in the rind.

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Yo' Mama's breath is so nasty, it makes onions cry.

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Yo' Mama is so fat, her stair master has a dinner tray attached.

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Yo' Mama is so stupid, it took her an hour to cook instant rice.

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Yo mama is so poor, I went to her place for dinner the other day, and when I asked what we were having, she put her foot up on the table and said "corn !".

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Yo mama so old she knew Burger King when he was still a prince.

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Yo mama's so fat that even Barack Obama couldn't afford to take her out to dinner.

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Yo mama's so old her breast milk is powdered.

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CONCLUSION

Best of 966 Hilarious Food Jokes. Dirty jokes about food that can be Mexican, Chinese, Indian, Italian or fast food. If it's cheesy or corny, it's funny.

You've read some of the best food jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of puns about food. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty food gags to your kids.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these food jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our jokes archive.

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