Food Jokes

funny jokes about food and hilarious stories

BEST FOOD JOKES

Food jokes and pranks to have fun with friends and family. Top 10 jokes about Food of all time along with the funniest food gags ever told.

Handjobs


A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:

"Cheeseburgers: $5

Fries: $3

Handjobs: $10."

He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"

"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.

"Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

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Two men are drinking in a bar
They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in.

The bartender comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here"

So they swapped sandwiches.

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Tide has some serious ad time during the superbowl this year
Must be able to afford it after cornering the teenage snack food market

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Englishman: "That your dog?"
Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)

Dog: "Yep."

Englishman: How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."

Welshman: (Look of total disbelief!)

Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Welshman: "Horse don't talk.

Englishman: "Hey horse how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)

Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshman)

Horse: "Yep."

Englishman: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."

Welshman: (Look of total amazement!)

Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Welshman: "That sheep's a fucking liar!!

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A military crew in a submarine just won a major battle
A military crew in a submarine just won a major battle, and they rescued a captured civilian from the boat they fought. To celebrate their success, the crew decided to have a small party with whatever food and drinks they had on hand.

The crew set up multiple crates to act as tables, and everyone got in line to get some well-deserved food.

The civilian decided he was going to have some juice, but so did everyone else. He ended up waiting a whole hour just to get his juice from the juice table.

When he finally got to the table, he told the crewman running the table "What the hell? You had me wait a whole hour just for some juice! The party is practically over by now!"

The crewman responded "Sorry, bud. The punchlines are never that great on this sub."

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A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN...
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure...

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

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Veganism is like Communism
They are both fine, unless you like food

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The UN decided to do a worldwide survey...
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

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If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose?
"Gandhi."

Why him?

"More food for me."

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What does the F in Ethiopia stand for?
Food

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LATEST FOOD JOKES

What kind of food do gay people like?
Junk food

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Dark humor is like food;
not everyone gets it.

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How about that airline food?
Its bad

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What do you call a russian who likes vietnamese food?
So viet

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I saw a black guy riding a bike
And I thought it was mine until I checked my garage and he was still there begging for food

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Do y'all blow on your food when it's too hot?
Or do you hasafashafsas until you can chew it?

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I really like Ethiopian food
It never makes you feel full

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Why do people bring up pesticide free food so much during conversations?
I don't know, I guess it comes up organically.

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People who sell dead animals for food are gross
But people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

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Some would say I enjoy food puns too much...
I would say I relish in them.

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What is a narcissist's favorite food?
Sel fish

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What's the only food they serve at raves?
Seizure Salad

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Did you hear about the man who overdosed on food colouring?
... he died

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Did you hear about this new restaurant on the Moon?
I hear it's got great food, but absolutely no atmosphere.

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How do you start a Rave in Ethiopia?
You put food on the ceiling, everyone will start jumping

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My friend thought he is so smart, he said onions are the only food that make you cry.
So i threw a pineapple at him.

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where do you guys hide food when you dont want to eat it?
personally i hide them in my mouth

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Why is hummus the most unhygienic food?
Because it's mainly chickpea.

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What would a stranded Cardi B see when she's stranded on a desert, hungry for food and willing to kill anyone for food?
Nicki Mirage

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What would hungry and lost Cardi B see if she's stranded on a desert, and she's willing to kill anyone for food?
Nicki Mirage

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FOOD JOKES THAT ARE...

Food jokes can be funny or dirty, insulting of disgusting. Most of them are suitable for kids and family.

BEST SHORT JOKES

Short jokes about food, one liners, thoughts and captions that are funny and will make you laugh.

Tide has some serious ad time during the superbowl this year
Must be able to afford it after cornering the teenage snack food market

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Veganism is like Communism
They are both fine, unless you like food

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If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose?
"Gandhi."

Why him?

"More food for me."

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What does the F in Ethiopia stand for?
Food

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My Mum used to feed my brother and I by saying 'Here comes the train', and we always ate the food straight away.
Otherwise she wouldn't untie us from the tracks.

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Food is like dark humor
not every one gets it.

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They say never go food shopping when you're hungry
but it's been over a week now and every day I just get hungrier.

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The best part about being an abortionist..? [NSFW]
I haven't had to buy dog food in a long, long time.

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I was forced to swallow purple food color.
I feel violated.

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They say to never go shopping for food when you're hungry
but it's been a week already and I keep getting hungrier and hungrier.

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BEST DISGUSTING JOKES

Disgusting and gross jokes about food.

Kale is a negative calorie food,
meaning the kale itself contains fewer calories than your body uses to throw it up because it's so fucking disgusting.

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A warehouse worker...
A warehouse worker is getting ready to ship a bunch of cases of disgusting, prepackaged food, but he can't get it to fit properly on a skid.

The food was unpalatable.

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What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.

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What do you call a chocolate Easter bunny that was out in the sun too long?
A runny bunny.

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Q: Whats worse then finding a worm in your apple?
A: Finding half a worm."

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Q: What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
A: Kids don't eat broccoli.

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A woman finds out that her husband is cheating on her, so she decides to leave him a present.


When he gets home, he finds an empty house, a bowl of cookies, and a video.
He scarfs down the cookies, and pops in the video.
On TV, he sees his wife sucking his best friend's d**k.
He comes in her mouth, and she immediately spits the jizz into a bowl of cookie dough.
Then she turns to the camera.
"Oh, hello, I want a divorce."

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Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.
The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
The other missionary replied, "I just peed in the soup!"

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Two flies sit on a pile of poop.
One fly passes gas.
The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I'm eating here."

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Q: What do you get when you mix beans and onions?
A: Tear gas.

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BEST BLACK HUMOR JOKES

Jokes about death, cannibals and animals for those with dark sense of humor.

KFC in Asia?
Korean fried cat.

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Q: Whats worse then a barrel of dead babies?
A: There is one at the bottom that is still alive.



Q: Whats worse then that?
A: He has to eat his way out.

Q: Whats worse then that?
A: He goes back for more.

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What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.

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Q: Whats worse then finding half a worm in your apple?
A: The Holocaust.

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Q: How is spinach like anal sex?
A: Chances are if you're forced to have it as a child you are probably going to hate it as an adult.

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What happened when the cannibal bit off a missionary's ear?
He had his first taste of Christianity!

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Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients?
They hid their own eggs!

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Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
A: One scoop of ice cream and Two scoops of dead baby.

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Q: Why are Germans bad cooks?
A: The only good one killed himself.

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A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken.


The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, "Nothing special really... We just tell them they're going to die..."

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BEST INSULTING JOKES

Jokes with insults about food or eating habits ( mostly about Yo Mama ).

Yo momma so fat when she goes camping the bears hide their food.

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Yo mama's so fat the only alphabet she knows is her KFCs.

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Yo mama is so stupid when you asked her to grab McDonald's she brings the building home.

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Yo' Mama is like a bag of chips: Fri-to-lay.

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Yo mama so poor she bragged about the time she almost ate at a restaraunt.

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Yo' Mama is so fat, her cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.

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Yo Mama is like a refrigerator.
Meat goes in and out all day.

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Yo' Mama is so stupid, when they said, "Order in the court," she asked for fries and a shake.

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Yo mamma is so fat when she tried to go to McDonald's she tripped over Wendy's and landed on Burger King.

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Yo momma so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"

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WHAT ARE FOOD JOKES ABOUT?

Food is if great topic to laugh at. Some of the funniest jokes ever are about food.

Are Food jokes funny? For sure! There is no such thing as boring food joke here. All jokes are funny in their own way. You can also read food jokes images on Pinterest or watch videos with food jokes on YouTube.

TOP ANIMAL JOKES THAT ARE FOOD

Really funny food jokes about animals.

Little Johnny at the Farm
Little Johnny lives on a farm with his family. One evening the family notices that one of the donkeys had manage to get out of the stables.

Johnny's dad tries to lead the donkey back into the stables but the stubborn animal will not budge. Johnny's mom tries to coax the donkey with carrots and hay, but the donkey just ignores the food.

Seeing his parents becoming increasingly agitated at the stubborn animal, Johnny offers to try and get the donkey back into the stables. He quickly fetches a pail of water from the trough and proceeds to dump it over the donkey's head. Both of his parents stare in awe as the donkey calmly saunters back into the stables and gently closes the door behind itself.

Still in disbelief at what he just saw, Johnny's father asks Johnny, Son, how did you know to do that?

Johnny replies, I was walking past y'alls bedroom last night when I overheard ma telling you, 'If you wet the head first, it'll go right in.'

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Two men and one women survive a plane crash and find an island to live on
There is plenty of food and water, and after a day they are able to build a suitable shelter. The days go by followed by weeks. After a few weeks of their day to day routine, they can no longer hold back their urges.

The can no longer contain these animal urges and begin to fuck. After a few weeks of this routine, the woman is disgusted with herself and commits suicide.

After a few weeks of not fucking, the men are once again overcome by their urges and have sex once again.

After a few weeks of this, one of the guys turns to the other and says "do you think it is time to bury her?"

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An animal lover talks to a turk
He asks the turk:"May I talk to your horse?"

"Horse not talk", he replies.

The animal lover asks the horse : "Hello horse how are you doing do you have enough food?"

"I'm doing fine and there is more than enough food too."

The animal lover asks the turk : "May I talk to your dog?"

"Dog not talk", he replies.

The animal lover now next to the dog asks him: "Hello Dog are you alright?'

"I can't complain, I have a warm place to sleep" he replies

The animal lover asks the turk : "May I talk to your goat?"

The turk slowly realising the ability the animal lover has answers:"Goat lies"

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Yo momma so fat when she goes camping the bears hide their food.

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What kind of bees make milk? Boobies

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Little Johnny
One day during a lesson about the senses of the body, little Johnny's teacher decided to use food to demonstrate "taste." The first child to volunteer was blindfolded and asked to sample the food and take a guess. "Suzie, I'll give you a hint. This food comes from an animal that grazes in the pasture. It says 'Moo'" Suzie quickly replied "This is a hamburger!" "Very good. James, you're next." After a few bites the teacher hinted "Now this is also a farm animal, it says 'Oink'" "This is pork. I'm eating barbeque!" "Very good. Now Lilly, would you like to try our last sample?" Lilly took her place at the table and put on her blindfold. After several minutes of puzzled looks, the teacher finally hinted "Okay Lilly, this is something a little different. But I'll tell you that this is something that your Mommy might call your Daddy quite often..." Suddenly, Johnny sprang from his chair and exclaimed "LILLY! SPIT IT OUT! YOU'RE EATING ASSHOLE!"... She was eating deer meat.

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What is a cow's favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.

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What dog can't bark? A hot dog.

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What do you call a rabbit who works in a bakery?
A yeaster bunny.

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Where do milk shakes come from?
Nervous cows.

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I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried. Onions was a good dog.

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Little Johnny: β€žMom, can I get a dog at Christmas, please?"

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Mother: β€žNo, you'll be getting turkey, like every year!"

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Why was the horse all charged up?
It ate some haywire!

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Why does animal hate fast food?
Because It keeps running away from them

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Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them!

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Why did the boy throw the butter out the window? To see a butterfly.

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Q: Whats worse then finding half a worm in your apple?
A: The Holocaust.

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Q: What side of the cow gives the most milk?
A: The utter side.

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When will pigs fly? When we launch them to mars for the astronauts to have bacon!

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Q: Whats worse then finding a worm in your apple?
A: Finding half a worm."

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What do you get when you mix a cheetah and a hamburger? Fastfood!

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How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.

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What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? I'm bacon!

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Why did the horses kept saying orange juice?
Because a filly gulped to much orange juice that she turned orange!

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What do you call a chocolate Easter bunny that was out in the sun too long?
A runny bunny.

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What gives milk and has a horn?
A milk tank.

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What kind of bees make milk instead of honey?
Boobies.

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What do you call a bull that runs into a threshing machine?
Hamburger.

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Why don't you do arithmetic in the jungle? Because if you add 4 + 4 you get ate!

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Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.

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How do you make a rabbit fast?
Don't feed it.

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What do cows read at the breakfast table?
The moospaper.

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How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?

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Anyone who wanted to sell fish had to get permission from grandpa. He was known as the cod father.

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Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels!

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A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich.


When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant.
A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law.
The panda bear tells the policeman that he's innocent and, if he didn't believe him, to look in the dictionary.
The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear."
It says, "Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves."

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Why did the gray whale go on a diet?
Because he wasn't a Fin whale.

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Q: What kind of bees make milk instead of honey?
A: Boo-bees.

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Two flies sit on a pile of poop.
One fly passes gas.
The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I'm eating here."

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Why did the chicken cross the road? Because KFC was on the other side.

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Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: It was escaping from K.F.C.

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What do you get when you cross a rabbit with strawberry soda?
A berry bubbly bunny.

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Teacher: Kids,what does the chicken give you?
Kids: Meat!
Teacher: Very good! Now what does the pig give you?
Kids: Bacon!
Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you?
Kid: Homework!

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Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a jar of peanut butter?
A: A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

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A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken.


The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, "Nothing special really... We just tell them they're going to die..."

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What do spiders like to order at a fast food restaurant?
Burgers and flies.

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Chuck Norris was once so famished, he ate Turkey.
The country there now is only an impostor.

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Why did the rabbit run out of the fast-food restaurant?
He thought he heard someone order a quarter pounder on a toasted bunny.

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How do hens always know what size your egg cup is? They don't but all eggs always fit.

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Help! This is my first time cooking for Thanksgiving.

The turkey's been in the oven for two hours, and it's still running around!

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Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder.


Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky.
Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

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What do you call a person in china who doesn't eat dog?
A tourist.

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What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk?
A milk dud.

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Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey on Thanksgiving?
They couldn't get the moose in the oven!

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Q: What do you call a cow playing with its self?
A: Beef stroganoff.

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Q: What do you get when you cross donkey DNA with an onion?
A: A piece of ass that will bring tears to your eyes.

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Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.

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Chuck Norris scares cows so bad, milk comes out their nose.

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What is a bear's favourite drink?
Koka-Koala.

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Q: What do the mosquito parents say to their small children, when they see people lying on the sandy beach during a hot summer day more than 15 minutes?
A: "Kids, prepare the cutlery and your chin-straps.
Our lunch is already heated up and ready for the consumption!"

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"What are you eating and how can I help?"
-Dogs

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I cooked Pancakes this morning. I was thrilled but my kids weren't. Apparently, he was their favorite rabbit.

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Yo' Mama is so fat, when she went to KFC, she ordered the bucket of chicken on the roof.

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What do you get from a short-legged cow?
Dragon milk.

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If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk.

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I just went to the worst zoo I've ever visited.
The food was overpriced, there was hardly any shade, and to top it all off the only animal in the entire zoo was a dog in a cage. It was a shih-tzu.

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What is the cheapest meat you can buy? Deer balls. There under a buck.

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What cheese would you use to entice a bear out of the woods? Camembert.


What cheese is made backwards? Edam.
Best cheese to use to disguise a horse? Marscaponie.

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Did you hear about the new shark food restaurant called Jaws?
It costs an arm and a leg to eat there.

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Customer: "Waiter, there’s a fly swimming in my soup.

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Waiter: "So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?"

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What is the difference between turkey and mother-in-law?
There is no difference: both are the best when they are cold on the table.

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Customer: "Waiter, what’s the meaning of this fly in my tea up?"
Waiter: "I wouldn’t know sir, I’m a waiter, not a fortune teller."

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Imagine that you are in the forest where there is a tiger in front of you right about to eat you.

What do you do? U stop imagining...

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One day a blonde went to a sea food restaurant and saw the tank where they kept the lobsters.


She took pity on these creatures and hid them in her purse.
Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free.

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Bears do not eat bears.
Tigers do not eat tigers.
Dogs do not eat dogs.
Cats stopped eating kebabs.

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What happened when the lion ate the comedian?
He felt funny.

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I read somewhere that Alligators only have to eat once every three weeks.

.. if only that Disney Alligator could have waited one more day.

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A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar. Now that's a sweet ass.

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A wise dog once told me: "Life is like a box of chocolates... it kills you."

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When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

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Two cows were talking.One cow asked the other"
I wonder what hamburgers are made of?"
The other cow replied "YOUR MOM!

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What do you call a cow during an earthquake? A milkshake.

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Teacher: "I asked you to draw a cow and grass, but I only see a cow. Where is grass?"
Student: "The cow ate the grass, sir."

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What do you call dog meat? Pet food.

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What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant?
An elephant who never forgets to eat his carrots.

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I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to contribute to cows having body issues.

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Yo' Mama is so fat, she tried to eat her chicken pox.

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What do you get if you cross a steer and a chicken?
Roost beef.

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Why was the cannibal looking peeky?
Because he had just eaten a Chinese dog!

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Why does a chicken lay eggs?
Because if she dropped them, they’d break.

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What do you get if you cross a cow, a french fry, and a sofa?
A cowch potato.

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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?
An udder failure.

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A husband and wife are eating soup.
The wife spills soup all over her and says:
"Oh no, I look like a pig"
"Yes and you also have soup all over you!"

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What did the bunny say when he only had thistles to eat?
Thistle have to do.

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My dog Minton ate all my shuttlecocks. Bad Minton.

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What’s a mouse’s favorite record?
Please cheese me!

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.


The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on.
After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, "You fellas ought to know your limits."

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Does running out of a burning barn make a cow unusual?
No, only medium rare.

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Chuck Norris eats black holes for breakfast.
They taste like chicken.

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Why did the dolphin feel crabby?
Because he ate too many crabs.

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TOP ALCOHOL JOKES THAT ARE FOOD

Jokes about drinking alcohol and drunks.

Doctor's advice
A man has been ill for some time, has had tests and is now at the doctor's for the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news for you. You only have a few months to live"

"Doctor, isn't there anything I can do?"

"You can avoid all fatty and spicy food. Don't touch alcohol. Give up tea and coffee and drink only water. Avoid chocolate and anything with sugar in. Go to bed at 10.00 each night and don't do anything that gets you in the least bit excited."

"Will that make me live longer?"

"No, but it will seem longer"

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Three mothers...
Three mothers are in the psychiatrist's office. The shrink says to the first mom, "Your obsession with food made you name your child Candy."

He says to the second, "Your obsession with alcohol made you name your kid Brandy."

The third mom grabs her son's hand and says, "C'mon, Dick, we don't have to stand for this!"

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Jesus arrives at the last supper...
...he walks in and sees a mad party - alcohol, hookers, tables bending under the weight of the food and music thumping. He asks Peter: "what the fuck, Pete?! This was supposed to be a humble going-away dinner; where did you get the cash for all this?!" Peter replies: "I don't know; Judas sold something."

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Signs...
The following are all signs that you are a drunk. They include, but are not limited to...

- You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

- You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

- Your job interferes with your drinking.

- Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

- You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive fifth food group.

- Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not!

- You consider that having two hands and only one mouth is a drinking problem.

- You can normally focus better with one eye closed.

- The parking lot seems to have moved since you entered the bar.

- You fall off the floor sometimes.

- Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

- Mosquitoes stumble about after attacking you.

- At weekly AA meetings, you forget your own name.

- Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

- The whole bar greets you when you come in.

- You don't recognise your wife unless you see her through the bottom of your glass.

- That damned pink elephant followed you home again!

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My idea of balanced diet is beer in each hand.

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Balanced diet...
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
β€”Alex Levine

(Both a quote and a chuckle.)

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How do you get a couple of fat birds into bed? Piece of cake.

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Diet tip: If you think you're hungry, you might just be thirsty.

Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

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Booze booze the magical drink the more you drink the less you feel the less you feel the better the deal so drink booze for every meal.

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I drink straight out a of the wine bottle while cooking.

I think that's what they mean by reducing it.

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I went to a party and met apple there.

I asked him to buy me a vodka, but Damn! He gave me a fruit punch.

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Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.

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What do you get when you cross a bunny with an orange?
A pip squeak.

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Two russian guys are walking down the street and they find a $100.


So one says, "Ok, lets buy bread for $1 and the rest we spend on vodka?."
The other says, "I don't get it, why do we need so much bread?."

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Drink green beer on St Patricks Day! It counts as a vegetable!

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Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "

Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made all the appetisers herself and we have a caterer coming in to provide plenty of sandwiches and cakes for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you properly prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

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After everything I say say addicted
Food! Alcohol! Sports! What rubbed across your face last night?

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I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road.


He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen.
Damn, that is one ugly child!."
As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears.
Just then, a mailman came to her rescue.
"What's the matter, madam?" he asked.
"I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed.
"There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket.
"Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimp"

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A ham sandwich walked into a bar and the bartender said: "We don't sell to ham sandwiches.

"
But the sandwich replied: "That's okay, I only want a beer."

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Champions eat Wheaties for breakfast.
Chuck Norris eats Champions for breakfast.

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A man walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the guy started to leave.
"Excuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what the guy had done.
"What was that all about?"
"Nothing", said the guy, "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

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TOP CHOCOLATE JOKES THAT ARE FOOD

Funny jokes about yummy chocolate.

Doctor's advice
A man has been ill for some time, has had tests and is now at the doctor's for the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news for you. You only have a few months to live"

"Doctor, isn't there anything I can do?"

"You can avoid all fatty and spicy food. Don't touch alcohol. Give up tea and coffee and drink only water. Avoid chocolate and anything with sugar in. Go to bed at 10.00 each night and don't do anything that gets you in the least bit excited."

"Will that make me live longer?"

"No, but it will seem longer"

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If kim kardashian was a donut wat kind would she be?
Chocolate filled.

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Women can't say no to three things;
Shoes, bags, chocolate, diamonds, clothes, perfume, food, flowers, money, cosmetics, attention, romance, kindness, adventure, affection, unpredictability, confidence, humor, ice cream, shopping, free drinks..

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What do you call a chocolate Easter bunny that was out in the sun too long?
A runny bunny.

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We're like hot chocolate and marshmallows...
You're hot and I wanna be on top of you.

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Best (worst) Wine and Chocolate Jokes Thread
Can we do this? My parents have these crappy wine / chocolate jokes on knick knacks around their house...

*i joined the 12-step program for chocoholics -- now I'm never 12 steps away from chocolate*

Nyuck nyuck nyuck. Hate you!

*i love cooking with wine.. sometimes i even put it in the food!*

Please be dead.

Let's hear your best (worst) wine and Chocolate jokes!

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I'm not saying I'm racist at all, but...
I put chocolate milk in back of the fridge.

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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.


At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray,
"Take only one. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, "Take all you want.
God is watching the apples."

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Are your legs made of Nutella?
Because I'd love to spread them!

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What are the 4 major food groups?
Pizza, Coffee, Chocolate and Sex.

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The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.


"Excuse me for disturbing you, ma'am," he said politely, "but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I've noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread."
"That's right."
"Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake."
"Well, today is his birthday."

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Imagine, there are on the bus only 5 persons:
A busman, an old woman, two younger women and one man.
The old woman comes to the busman and tells him: "Dear busman, would you like to eat a few hazelnuts?"
The busman says: "Yes, why not?"
He takes the hazelnuts from her hand and eats them.
This repeats even two times, but when the old woman offers other hazelnuts to the busman for the fourth time, the busman asks this old woman:
"Madame, where do you take all these hazelnuts from? It is a real amount and I am already full."
The old woman only says: "You know, dear busman, I have bought the chocolate with hazelnuts, the hazelnuts are very hard for my dental plate, so I have sucked them all out, brought it to you and you have already eaten them all."

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A man visits his aunt in the nursing home.


It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he’s absentmindedly finished the entire bowl of peanuts.
"I’m so sorry, auntie, I’ve eaten all of your peanuts!"
"That’s okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I’ve sucked the chocolate off, I don’t care for them anyway."

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Q: How can you tell that a blonde been baking chocolate chip cookies?
A: There are M&

M shells all over the floor.

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An old man and a young man work together in an office.


The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.
One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.
"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies.
"Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."

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TOP YO-MAMA JOKES THAT ARE FOOD

Funny jokes about Yo Mama's eating habits or food cooking skills.

Yo momma so fat when she goes camping the bears hide their food.

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Yo mama's so fat the only alphabet she knows is her KFCs.

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Yo mama is so stupid when you asked her to grab McDonald's she brings the building home.

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Yo' Mama is like a bag of chips: Fri-to-lay.

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Your mama so fat she eats ice cream with a shovel.

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Yo mama so dumb she used old spice body wash to cook.

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Yo mama so poor she bragged about the time she almost ate at a restaraunt.

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Yo' Mama is so fat, when she rubs her legs together, I smell bacon.

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Yo' Mama is so fat, her cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.

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Yo Mama is like a refrigerator.
Meat goes in and out all day.

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Yo mama is so poor that she washes paper plates.

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Yo mama is so stupid, she returned a doughnut cause it had a hole in it.

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Yo mamma is so fat when she tried to go to McDonald's she tripped over Wendy's and landed on Burger King.

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Yo momma so fat, her patronus is a cake.

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Yo mamma so small she uses a Dorito for a hang lider.

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Yo' Mama is so stupid, when they said, "Order in the court," she asked for fries and a shake.

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Yo mama nose is so big she could smell what the rock was cooking before he started cooking.

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Yo momma so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"

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Yo' Mama is so fat, when she went to KFC, she ordered the bucket of chicken on the roof.

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Yo Mama is so fat, when she sweats, she smells like butter.

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Yo Momma's so stupid, she ordered a cheeseburger without the cheese.

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Yo momma is so fat when she sat on da toilet it said here's a carrot and a diet coke.

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Yo' Mama is so skanky, when the waiter brought out her strip steak, she asked where to tuck the dollar bills.

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Yo' Mama is so ghetto, her wedding cake was made of cornbread.

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Yo' Mama is so poor, she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people's fingers.

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Yo mama so fat and stupid, she went to a grocery store and tried to gamble at Butterball.

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Yo momma so stupid she thought that doctor pepper could heal her.

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Yo' Mama is so fat, she tried to eat her chicken pox.

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Yo mama is so old in her time Burger King was know as Burger Prince.

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Yo mama so fat all the McDonald's food are gone.

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Yo' Mama is so nasty, she put a cucumber in her panties and pulled out a pickle.

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Yo' Mama is so stupid, she poured a bowl of Cheerios and said, "Look, my alphabet soup spells 'Ooooo.'"

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Yo Mama's just like peanut-butter...she spreads for bread !

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Yo momma is so fat she made chocolate frogs go extinct.

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Yo' mama's breath so nasty, I don't know whether to give her Tic-Tacs or toilet paper!

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Yo' Mama is so stupid, she thinks the Wu-Tang Clan is a Japanese orange drink company.

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Yo mama's so technologically unsavvy, she leaves out pieces of cheese next to the computer!

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Yo Mommas teeth are so yellow I can't believe it's not butter.

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Yo mama so poor when i went to her house and picked up a paper plate she yelled "Not my good china!"

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Yo Momma So Fat The Only Letters She Knows In The Alphabet Are K.F.C!

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Yo' Mama is so nasty, she uses bacon as bandages.

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Yo mamma is so fat, her diet pills say M & M.

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Yo mama cooking so bad, the flies chipped for a screen door!

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Yo' Mama is so nasty, when I asked what was for dinner, she took off her shoe and said, "Corns."

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Yo Momma's so fat, when she goes to Taco Bell, they run for the border!

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Yo' Mama is so flat, the last time she felt a breast was in a KFC bucket.

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Yo mama so fat when she went to bruger king the bruger was running as fast as they can.

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Yo mama so fat and poor the only thing she could afford to eat was grease.

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Yo' Mama's breath is so nasty, it makes onions cry.

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Yo' Mama's cooking is so bad, your family prays after they eat.

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Yo' Mama is so fat, her stair master has a dinner tray attached.

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Your Momma is like Burger King "Have it Your Way".

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Yo' Mama is so fat, she uses the refrigerator for her lunch box.

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Yo mama is so poor, I went to her place for dinner the other day, and when I asked what we were having, she put her foot up on the table and said "corn !".

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Yo Mama's like a fast food retaurant, she takes orders from the front and the back.

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Yo mama so old she knew Burger King when he was still a prince.

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Yo mama's so fat that even Barack Obama couldn't afford to take her out to dinner.

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Yo mama so ugly that her mom only fed her with a sling shot.

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Yo' Mama is so fat, she brought on world hunger.

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Yo' Mama is so stupid, she thought a ribbed condom was soul food.

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Yo' Mama is so fat, she keeps her diaphragm in a pizza box.

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Yo mama so fat that when she sat on a rainbow she made Skittles!

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Yo mama's so old her breast milk is powdered.

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Yo' Mama is so stupid, it took her an hour to cook instant rice.

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Yo' Mama is so stupid, she tried to put the leftover orange juice back in the rind.

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Yo' Mama's cooking is so bad, the homeless give it back.

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Yo mamma so stupid she locked herself in safeway and starved to death.

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Yo mama so fat, when she went to a subway she mistook the train for a sandwich and ate it.

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CONCLUSION

Best of 966 Hilarious Food Jokes. Dirty jokes about food that can be Mexican, Chinese, Indian, Italian or fast food. If it's cheesy or corny, it's funny.

You've read some of the best food jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty food gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in January 2020.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these food jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

Can I save Food jokes? You can do this from the Joko Jokes iPhone app. It is available for free download from the Apple App Store. Like your favorite jokes so we can rank them by their likes count. Every thumb matters for Joko Jokes' rankings.

How to share a Food joke? You are free to share every Food joke found on JokoJokes.com, share it on Facebook, Twitter or by email and have fun with friends and family.

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