food for thought Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious food for thought puns

A Scotsman and his wife were walking past a swanky new restaurant. "Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It's absolutely incredible!" Being a kind hearted Scot he thought, "what the hell, I'll treat her!"

So they walked past it again.

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I saw a black guy riding a bike near my house yesterday

I thought it was mine. So I checked the garage and it was still chained up, asking for food.

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What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

A Jew is a person who follows Judaism, and pizza is a food...

I bet you expected a Holocaust joke. Jew thought wrong.

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How to Save a Life

Joe and Billy-Bob, two of the most country boys that ever did live, were sitting down in a resturant visiting the big city. The meal was going well until they saw a woman across the resturant stand up gasping and holding her throat.

"Help she's choking!" someone shouted, and panic ensued. People were screaming, children were crying, and the poor choking woman was turning blue. Billy-Bob knew it was his time to act. He stood up, walked over the woman, pulled up her skirt and ran his tongue right up and down her butt cheek.

The woman was so shocked she gasped once, coughed, and the offending piece of food flew across the room. Billy-Bob calmly walked back over to his table and sat down. Joe looked at his friend and said "Where you learn to do that at?"

Billy-Bob took a sip of his drink and told his friend, "Well I heard of that there Hind Lick maneuver on TV for chokin' folks, never actually thought it would work though."

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During the annual cavemen conference ...

Greg : so I kept rubbing this rock against another rock until it became very thin and now I can cut vegetables,meat using this . I call this "The Knife" .

Chief Gogo : wow , I thought no-one can beat Gorg's invention of using wheat flour and water to create a new food called "bread" but yours is a worthy contender

Greg " that's not it ,chief "

And then places a piece of bread on the stone and takes the knife in his hand

" What I'm about to do will blow your mind " .

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A traveling salesman...

A traveling salesman couldn't find a hotel one night.

He saw a light on a deserted road, and decided to knock on the door. It turned out to be a monastery; the monks were preparing dinner.

He was invited to join the others while the food was being prepared. They sat round in a circle; each monk would recite a number and the others would laugh. Intrigued, the salesman spoke up.

What are you guys doing?

One of the elder monks replied, We're telling jokes.

By saying numbers?

Yes. You see, we've heard the jokes so many times, we have them catalogued. We don't need to tell the whole joke; we just refer to its number. Go ahead and try.

The salesman thought for a second, and said, 78.

The monks were in hysterics. Some were doubled over with laughter, others had tears rolling down their eyes, a few were pounding the table with their fists.

When the laughter died down, the traveler asked, Can you tell me what's so funny?

We never heard that one before!

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A Scot And His Wife Walking Through Town ..

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"
Being kind hearted, he thought, "What the heck..., I'll treat her!"
So, they walked past it again...

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A monk joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence

To encourage reflection, the monks who vow silence are required to share one thought on the five-year anniversary with the head Monk.

After five years, the monk meets with the head monk and he says, "food is bland, should be spicy to engage our senses!"

Five years later, another thought, "Bed too hard, should be softer to allow easy rest to encourage restful body."

Five years later, he meets with the head Monk. "I can't take it anymore! I'm ending my vow and leaving the Monastery!"

"Good!" The head monk responds, "All you've done for 15 years is complain!"

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Lost Chapter In Genesis

Adam had been moping around all day in the Garden of Eden and God finally said, "Adam, what's up with all this moping?"

Adam told God that he was lonely. God said He could fix that, no problem.

In short order he could make a partner for Adam, and she would be called a "woman."

God told Adam that the woman would collect his food, cook it for him, and care for all his needs and wants. She would also agree with all his decisions and not question his authority as head of the family.

God also said that she would bear his offspring and and not bother him in the middle of the night if the kids woke up and started crying.

She would never nag him and would admit when she was wrong. She would also freely give him love and passion whenever he needed it.

Adam said, "Wow, that's a great partner! What is this woman-person going to cost me?"

And God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Adam thought for a minute, then asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

And the rest is history.

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Me and my wife were in town last night, when we passed a new restaurant

My wife said, "Can you smell the food? The aroma is gorgeous."

I thought fuck it, I'll treat her.

So we walked past the restaurant again.

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A Black Widow joke

Q: How do you kill a Black Widow?

A: You take away her food stamps

Was told his one at a family reunion, don't know how old but thought it was funny as hell!

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Today I kicked a breastfeeding mom out of my restaurant

Not because other customers thought she was indecent, but because we have a no outside food or drinks policy

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Two Americans were trekking in a desert.

Dehydrated and hungry, they walked into a mosque.
The Imam asked for their names.
Mark thought: Maybe it's wiser to pretend to be a Muslim. So he replied: My name is Ahmed.
Sam said: My name is Sam.
The Imam called his servant over, who handed Sam some food and water.
He then turned to Mark and said: Happy Ramadan, brother Ahmed.

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A boy was nervous about his first date

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, and so went to his father for advice.

"My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then remembers his father's advice and asks the girl,

"Do you like potato pancakes?"

"No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket.

"Do you have a brother?"

"No."

After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card:

"If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

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Seeing that Ramadan started this week, here's a joke.

There were two white christian men, Adam and Jack, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.


As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then Adam said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are muslim.'' Then Jack said ''No way, I won't say I'm muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.


So Adam and Jack went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were.


Adam thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammed'. And Jack said 'My name is Jack'.


The Arab man said 'Hello Jack.' And told these other men to take Jack and give him food and drink.


Then he turned to Adam and said, 'Salaam Muhammed. Ramadan Mubarak! (Hello Muhammad, Happy Ramadhan)

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A woman sees an old couple sharing a meal at McDonald...

A woman walks into McDonald and orders her meal. As she sits down with her food, she sees an old couple in a corner booth sharing a single happy meal. The old woman ate while the old man watched hungrily.

"They must be really poor", she thought and decided to do a good dead and bought another meal and brought over to the old couple. When she brought the meal over and explained, the old man thanked her but declined.
"Thank you, my dear, but we have plenty of money. We are sharing because when we were married over 50 years ago we vowed to share everything. Even a simple meal"

The woman who bought the meal was embarrassed and apologized, but she had one more question before she left them alone.

"I understand sharing everything, but why are you watching her eat? why not split the meal and eat together?" she asked

The old man flashed his gums to the younger woman and told her:
"Because it's her turn for the teeth"

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I was talking to a friend's little girl...

I was talking to a friend's little girl, and she said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were to be the President, what is the first thing you would do?'

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.' 'Wow - what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'You don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds, and sweep my sidewalks and driveway, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food or a new house.'

She thought that over for a few seconds 'cause she's only 6. And while her Mom glared at me, the little girl looked me straight in the eye and asked, Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?

And I said, Welcome to the Republican Party, sweetheart.

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A man went to eat lunch....

A man went to eat lunch one day at a spanish restaurant. Not knowing what a majority of the menu was he ordered the only thing he could understand, "Meatball soup".

After waiting for half an hour his food finally arrived but he noticed that the meatballs were relatively bigger than the average meatball, so he asks his waiter, "Why are the meatballs so big?" To which the waiter replies, "Oh you see, our meatballs come from the bulls from our stadium where bull fighting is a thing, so today yet again, our men won and so we have bull balls for you to eat."

Appalled, the man was hesitant to eat these meatballs but since he was starving he had no choice. When he first tasted the meatballs he was astonished to find that they were absolutely delicious and ate everything up within minutes, so he paid for his meal and left for home.

The next day, he came back to the same restaurant and ordered the same meatballs. After waiting for a few minutes, his food finally arrived. However, he noticed that the meatballs were smaller than yesterday's. Not giving it s second thought, he just ate it and felt that yet again that the meatballs were delicious.

After finishing his meal, he asked the waiter, "The meatballs were fantastic but why are the meatballs smaller than the one's I had yesterday?" To which the waiter replied,"The bull won today."


:)

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The Camel

A man was riding on his camel through the desert. He was riding for quite some time and as days passed by he got kind of horny. All alone in the desert miles away from all civilisation he thought that he might aswell take the camel. He stopped, made a pile of sand and stood behind the camel and just when he wanted to start the camel took a step forward.

The man didn't think any of this and piled up some sand again. And again just when he wanted to start the camel stept forward.

The man gave up and rode on through the desert. After a few more days he met a totally exhausted woman near dehydriation. He helped her up and and saved her by giving her some water and food. The woman thankfully said: 'thank you for saving me you can have anything you want from me!'

The man thought for a sec and said:'could you hold the camel for a minute?'



excuse any spelling mistakes.

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A seventh grader asked his English teacher a question in class

"Why do we ignore some letters in pronunciation eg. the letter H .......in Hour, Honour. .....etc. She replied, "We are not ignoring them; they're considered silent."

During lunch break that day, the teacher gave the student her packed lunch and asked him to heat it in the Cafeteria. He ate all the food and returned her the empty container.

Shocked, she asked: "What happened? The boy replied: "Madam, I thought 'H' was silent.

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I saw a black guy riding a bike down the street

I thought it was mine, so I checked my garage and it was still chained up, begging for food.

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Just saw a kid riding a bike

Thought it was mine, I checked the garage and it's still there, locked up, safe and sound, begging for food.

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A plane is having trouble mid-air and the captain says:

"I regret to inform you that due to excess weight we are going to have to let go of all the food"

Everyone complains, but down goes the food.

A minute later: "That was not enough, if we don't get rid of all the cargo, we'll all die"

There are people yelling, but the cargo goes down.

5 minutes pas by: "Well, that was no good, I am very sorry but we will have to let go of people, but just for you to see that we are **not** biased, we'll do this in alphabetical order, so the African-Americans, please"

Nobody moves.

"Ok, the Black people, please"

Nothing.

"Ok, the Coloreds, please move forward"

A black girl turns to her mom and says "Mom, I thought we were African-Americans"

"No, baby, today, we're niggers and we go *after the Mexicans*!"

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Two guys are lost in the desert.

They're starving and dying of thirst. Off in the distance, they see a large trailer, surrounded by trees, so they start walking towards it.

The first guy can't make it up the stairs, so he sits down outside in the shade. The second guy walks in and sees shelves upon shelves of food and water, and an old lady sitting in a recliner.

He begs the old lady for water, to which the old lady replies "sure, but It's been an awful long time since I've been with a man. If you want water, you'll have to fuck me".

Now, he realizes that the old lady must be nearly blind, so he grabs a pack of hot dogs off the shelf and fucks her with that and, when he's done, tosses it out the window. The old lady remarks that she's never had such a good fucking in her life, and gives the man some water.

After gulping it down, his stomach starts to growl and he asks the lady if she could spare any food. She says yes, but he'll have to fuck her again. He grabs another hot dog, and starts fucking her with it, but he lets the thought of it get to him and he starts gagging. He runs over to the window and pukes outside and throws out the hot dog. He then grabs some food and leaves.

He sees the first guy still sitting in the shade, and tells him "There's food and water in there, but you'll have to fuck an old lady to get anything"

the first guy replies, "nah, man It's fine. I already had two greasy hot dogs and a milkshake".

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The Picnic

Three turtles, Mick, Alan, and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Okay, Les, give me the bottle opener."

"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."

Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"

Turns out Alan didn't bring it either. So they're stuck ten miles from home, on a picnic, without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for it, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches while he's gone.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their turtle lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.

Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise so they decide to wait more.

Finally, ten days later, they can't take it any longer and think that Les will understand if they just have a bit to hold them over. So they take out a quarter of a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts, "I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT FUCKING GOING!"

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Classic joke for our Muslim friends today

There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were.

John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'.

The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink.

Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak! (Hello Muhammad, Happy Ramadan)

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A Scotsman treats his wife...

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"

Being kind hearted, he thought, "What the heck..., I'll treat her!"

So, they walked past it again...

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I recently thought about stealing from the food shelf...

But the steaks were too high.

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I found my daughters diary and read it.

So I've been trying to get my daughter to clean up her room for a long while now, all to no avail. So yesterday when she went out, I decided that I would do it.

For the most part it was just typical teenage mess, clothes everywhere, the occasional food wrapper. However when i was cleaning out her closet, I found her diary. My initial reaction was just to put it back as i didn't want to invade her privacy, so I finished cleaning and left her room. But later that evening, my curiosity got the better of me and I got the diary, took it to my room and read it.

I was horrified to discover that she has a new boyfriend, and that they've been having sex. She described in graphic detail all the kinky stuff they'd been doing and how she had performed oral sex on him. And then, just at the point I thought that the debauchery could not get any worse, you'll never guess what I came across next. Page 64, the bed sheets and my own leg a little bit.

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Today I saw a kid riding a bike and thought it was mine

Then I checked the garage and it was still chained up, asking for food

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Valentines Jokes for Kids

What did one light bulb say to the other light bulb on Valentine’s Day? I wuv you watts and watts!

What do you say to an octopus on Valentine’s Day? I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!

What do you call a ghost’s true love? His ghoul-friend.

What do you call the world's smallest Valentine’s Day card? A valen-teeny.

What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine’s Day? I’m stuck on you!

Knock Knock. Who's there? Olive. Olive who? Olive you!

Why do skunks love Valentine’s Day? They are very scent-imental creatures.

What’s the best part about Valentine’s Day? The day after when all the candy is on sale.

What did one bee say to the other? I love bee-ing with you, honey!

What did one cat say to the other cat on Valentine's Day? Don't ever change, you're purrrfect.



Why would you want to marry a goalie? Because he (or she) is a real keeper!

What type of shape is most popular on Valentine's Day? Acute triangle.

Have you got a date for Valentine's Day? Yeah, it's February 14th.

What did the painter say to her sweetheart? I love you with all my art.

What did Robin Hood say to his girlfriend? Sherwood like to be your valentine.

Why did the sheriff lock up her boyfriend? He stole her heart.

What do you call two birds in love? Tweethearts!

What kind of candy is never on time? Choco-LATE.

What do you write in a slug’s Valentine’s Day card? Be my Valen-slime!

Knock Knock. Who's there? Luke. Luke who? Luke who got a Valentine!

What did one volcano say to the other? I lava you!

What did the cucumber say to the pickle? You mean a great dill to me.

How did the phone propose to his GF? He gave her a ring.

What did the one sheep say to the other? I love ewe!

And how did the other sheep respond? You’re not so baaaaaa-d yourself

What did the farmer give his wife for Valentine’s Day? Hogs and kisses.

And what did the tweenager give his mom? Ughs and kisses!

Why is Valentine’s Day a good day for a party? Because you can really party hearty!

What kind of flowers should you NOT give on Valentine’s Day? Cauliflowers!

What do owls say to declare their love? Owl be yours!

What did Frankenstien's monster say to his bride on Valentine's Day? Be my Valenstein!

Who’s there? Frank. Frank who? Frank you for being my friend!




  • Knock, knock! Who’s there? Jimmy. Jimmy who? Jimmy a little kiss?
  • Knock, knock! Who’s there? Atlas. Atlas who? Atlas Valentine’s Day is here!
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Luke. Luke who? Luke, I got a Valentine!
  • Knock Knock. Who’s there? Al. Al who? Al be your Valentine if you’ll be mine.
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Alec. Alec who? Alec to kiss your cheek.
  • Knock Knock Who’s there? Bea. Bea who? Bea my Valentine.
  • Knock Knock Who’s there? Emma. Emma who? Emma hoping I get lots of cards on Valentine’s Day.
  • Knock Knock Who’s there? Frank. Frank who? Frank you for being my friend.
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Howard. Howard who? Howard you like to be my Valentine?


  1. Q: What did the drum say to the other drum on Valentine’s Day? A: My heart beats for you.
  2. Q: What do you call a very small Valentine? A: A valentiny.
  3. Q: What did the calculator say to the pencil on Valentine’s Day? A: You can always count on me.
  4. Q: What did the pickle say to the other pickle on Vale nine’s Day? A: You mean a great dill to me.
  5. Q: Why did the man send his wife’s Valentine through twitter? A: Because she is his tweetheart.
  6. Q: What Valentine’s Day candy is only for girls? A: HER-SHE’s Kisses.
  7. Q: What kind of Valentine’s Day candy is never on time? A: ChocoLATE
  8. Q: What did Pilgrims give each other on Valentine’s Day? A: Mayflowers
  9. Q: What did one snake say to the other snake? A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.
  10. Q: What did cavemen give their wives on Valentine’s Day? A: Lots of ughs and kisses.
  11. Q: What’s the best part of Valentine’s Day? A: The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale.
  12. Q: What did one font say to the other on Valentine’s Day? A: You’re just my type.
  13. Q: What food is crazy about Valentine’s Day chocolates? A: A cocoa-nut.
  14. Q: What was the French cat’s favorite Valentine’s Day dessert? A: Chocolate mousse
  15. Q: What did the light bulb say to the other light bulb on Valentine’s Day? A: I love you a watt.
  16. Q: Why didn’t the skeleton want to send any Valentine’s Day cards? A: His heart wasn’t in it.
  17. Q: What do you call two birds in love? A: Tweethearts.
  18. Q: Why did the boy put clothes on the valentines card he was sending? A: He thought they needed to be ad-dressed.
  19. Q: What did the girl bumble bee say to the boy bumble bee on Valentine’s Day? A: I love bee-ing with you, Honey.
  20. Q: How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? A: He gave her a ring.
  21. Q: What did the girl squirrel say to the boy squirrel on Valentine’s Day? A: I’m nuts about you.
  22. Q: Which animal shares the most love? A: A heartvaark
  23. Q: What did the sheep say to the other on February 14th? A: Wool you be my valentine.
  24. Q: Who did the man send a Valentine to through twitter? A: His tweetheart.
  25. Q: What did the drum say to the other drum on Valentine’s Day? A: My heart beats for you.
  26. Q: Why didn’t the skeleton want to send any Valentine’s Day cards? A: His heart wasn’t in it.
  27. Q: Where do hamburgers take their sweethearts on Valentine’s Day to dance? A: To the meatball.
  28. Q: What did the seamstress say to express her love? A: You’re sew special to me.
  29. Q: What did the blueberry say to his wife on Valentine’s Day? A: I love you berry much.
  30. Q: What did the Valentine’s Day card say to the stamp? A: Stick with me and you’ll go places.
  31. Q: Why do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day? A: Because they’re scent-imental.
  32. Q: Why did the Valentine get arrested? A: For stealing someone’s heart.
  33. Q: Why didn’t the scarecrow want to go to the Valentine’s Day dance? A: His heart wasn’t in it.
  34. Q: Who wrote the best love songs in the 60’s? A: Heart Garfunkel
  35. Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus? A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?
  36. Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? A: Forget-me-nuts.
  37. Q: What did the girl cat say to the boy cat on Valentine’s Day? A: You’re purrr-fect for me.
  38. Q: What did the rabbit say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? A: Somebunny loves you.
  39. Q: Why didn’t the scarecrow want to go to the Valentine’s Day dance? A: His heart wasn’t in it.
  40. Q: What did the circle say to the triangle on Valentine’s Day? A: I think you’re acute.
  41. Q: Why did they put the boy’s girlfriend in jail? A: Because she stole his heart.
  42. Q: What did the whale say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? A: Whale you be mine?
  43. Q. What did one volcano say to the other on Valentine’s Day? A. I lava you.
  44. Q: What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day? A: A hug and a quiche.
  45. Q: What do you get when you cross a dog with a valentine card? A: A card that says “I love you drool-ly”
  46. Q: What did the boy bear say to the girl bear on Valentine’s Day? A: I love you beary much.
  47. Q: What did the painter say to his girlfriend? A: “I love you with all my art.”
  48. Q: What did the boy sheep say to the girl sheep on Valentine’s Day? A: I love ewe.
  49. Q: What does someone who loves their car do on February 14? A: They give it a valenshine.
  50. Q: What did the boy bee say to the girl bee on Valentine’s Day? A: You are bee-utiful.
  51. Q: Why do Valentines have hearts on them? A: Because gall bladders would look pretty yucky.
  52. Q: What did the pencil say to the paper? A: I dot my i’s on you.
  53. Q: What did the girl sheep say to the boy sheep on Valentine’s Day? A: I love you baaaaaaack.
  54. Q: What did the boy owl say to the girl owl on Valentine’s Day? A: Owl be yours.
  55. Q: What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine’s Day? A: You’re purr-fect for me.
  56. Q: What did the bat say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? A: Lets hang out.
  57. Q: Did you hear about the man who promised his girlfriend a diamond for Valentine’s Day? A: He took her to a baseball park.
  58. Q: What did the elephant say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? A: I love you a ton.
  59. Q: What did the boy sheep say to the girl sheep on Valentine’s Day? A: You’re not so baaaa-d.
  60. Q: What is the most romantic city in England? A: Loverpool.
  61. Q: Why is Valentine’s Day a great day for a party? A: Because you can party hearty.
  62. Q: What did the pickle say to his Valentine? A: You mean a great dill to me.
  63. Q: What happened when the two angels got married? A: They lived harpily ever after.
  64. Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine’s Day? A: I’m stuck on you.
  65. Q: What’s the best part about Valentines Day? A: The next day when all the chocolate goes on sale.
  66. Q: What does a carpet salesman give his wife for Valentine’s Day? A: Rugs and kisses.
  67. Q: What is a ram’s favorite song on February 14th? A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear.
  68. Q: What do you get when you kiss a dragon on Valentine’s Day? A: Third degree burns on your lips.
  69. Q: What did the vampire call his sweetheart? A: His ghoul-friend.
  70. Q: What happened when the two tennis players met? A: It was lob at first sight.
  71. Q: What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? A: Be my Valenstein.
  72. Q: What did one piece of string say to the other on February 14th? A: “Be my valentwine.”
  73. Q: What did the ghost say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? A: By my valenslime
  74. Q: What did one calculator say to the other on Valentine’s Day? A: “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.”
  75. Q: What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day? A: Lots of hogs and kisses.
  76. Q: What did one door bell say to the other on February 14th? A: “Be my valenchime.”
  77. Q: What did the bat say to his girlfriend? A: “You’re fun to hang around with.”
  78. Q: Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable? A: Because it’s got heart.
  79. Q: Why did the boy put candy under his pillow? A: Because he wanted sweet dreams.
  80. Q: What did the whipped cream say to the ice cream on Valentine’s Day? A: I’m sweet on you.
  81. Q: What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine’s Day? A: Cauliflowers.
  82. Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? A: Forget-me-nuts.
  83. Q: Did you hear about the blind porcupine? A: He fell in love with a pin cushion.
  84. Q: What did the drum say to the other drum on Valentine’s Day? A: My heart beats for you.
  85. Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune? A: Because it couldn’t get a date.
  86. Q: What did the valentines day card say to the stamp? A: Stick with me and you’ll go places
  87. Q: Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy? A: It was Valenswine’s Day.
  88. Q: What did the drum say to the other drum on Valentine’s Day? A: My heart beats for you.
  89. Q: What do you call a very small Valentine? A: A valentiny.
  90. Q: What did the calculator say to the pencil on Valentine’s Day? A: You can always count on me.
  91. Q: What did the pickle say to the other pickle on Vale nine’s Day? A: You mean a great dill to me.
  92. Q: Why did the man send his wife’s Valentine through twitter? A: Because she is his tweetheart.
  93. Q: What Valentine’s Day candy is only for girls? A: HER-SHE’s Kisses.
  94. Q: What kind of Valentine’s Day candy is never on time? A: ChocoLATE
  95. Q: What did Pilgrims give each other on Valentine’s Day? A: Mayflowers
  96. Q: What did one snake say to the other snake? A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.
  97. Q: What did cavemen give their wives on Valentine’s Day? A: Lots of ughs and kisses.
  98. Q: What’s the best part of Valentine’s Day? A: The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale.
  99. Q: What did one font say to the other on Valentine’s Day? A: You’re just my type.
  100. Q: What food is crazy about Valentine’s Day chocolates? A: A cocoa-nut.
  101. Q: What was the French cat’s favorite Valentine’s Day dessert? A: Chocolate mousse
  102. Q: What did the light bulb say to the other light bulb on Valentine’s Day? A: I love you a watt.
  103. Q: Why didn’t the skeleton want to send any Valentine’s Day cards? A: His heart wasn’t in it.
  104. Q: What do you call two birds in love? A: Tweethearts.
  105. Q: Why did the boy put clothes on the valentines card he was sending? A: He thought they needed to be ad-dressed.
  106. Q: What did the girl bumble bee say to the boy bumble bee on Valentine’s Day? A: I love bee-ing with you, Honey.
  107. Q: How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? A: He gave her a ring.
  108. Q: What did the girl squirrel say to the boy squirrel on Valentine’s Day? A: I’m nuts about you.
  109. Q: Which animal shares the most love? A: A heartvaark
  110. Q: What did the sheep say to the other on February 14th? A: Wool you be my valentine.
  111. Q: Who did the man send a Valentine to through twitter? A: His tweetheart.
  112. Q: What did the drum say to the other drum on Valentine’s Day? A: My heart beats for you.
  113. Q: Why didn’t the skeleton want to send any Valentine’s Day cards? A: His heart wasn’t in it.
  114. Q: Where do hamburgers take their sweethearts on Valentine’s Day to dance? A: To the meatball.
  115. Q: What did the seamstress say to express her love? A: You’re sew special to me.
  116. Q: What did the blueberry say to his wife on Valentine’s Day? A: I love you berry much.
  117. Q: What did the Valentine’s Day card say to the stamp? A: Stick with me and you’ll go places.
  118. Q: Why do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day? A: Because they’re scent-imental.
  119. Q: Why did the Valentine get arrested? A: For stealing someone’s heart.
  120. Q: Why didn’t the scarecrow want to go to the Valentine’s Day dance? A: His heart wasn’t in it.
  121. Q: Who wrote the best love songs in the 60’s? A: Heart Garfunkel
  122. Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus? A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?
  123. Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? A: Forget-me-nuts.
  124. Q: What did the girl cat say to the boy cat on Valentine’s Day? A: You’re purrr-fect for me.
  125. Q: What did the rabbit say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? A: Somebunny loves you.
  126. Q: Why didn’t the scarecrow want to go to the Valentine’s Day dance? A: His heart wasn’t in it.
  127. Q: What did the circle say to the triangle on Valentine’s Day? A: I think you’re acute.
  128. Q: Why did they put the boy’s girlfriend in jail? A: Because she stole his heart.
  129. Q: What did the whale say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? A: Whale you be mine?
  130. Q. What did one volcano say to the other on Valentine’s Day? A. I lava you.
  131. Q: What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day? A: A hug and a quiche.
  132. Q: What do you get when you cross a dog with a valentine card? A: A card that says “I love you drool-ly”
  133. Q: What did the boy bear say to the girl bear on Valentine’s Day? A: I love you beary much.
  134. Q: What did the painter say to his girlfriend? A: “I love you with all my art.”
  135. Q: What did the boy sheep say to the girl sheep on Valentine’s Day? A: I love ewe.
  136. Q: What does someone who loves their car do on February 14? A: They give it a valenshine.
  137. Q: What did the boy bee say to the girl bee on Valentine’s Day? A: You are bee-utiful.
  138. Q: Why do Valentines have hearts on them? A: Because gall bladders would look pretty yucky.
  139. Q: What did the pencil say to the paper? A: I dot my i’s on you.
  140. Q: What did the girl sheep say to the boy sheep on Valentine’s Day? A: I love you baaaaaaack.
  141. Q: What did the boy owl say to the girl owl on Valentine’s Day? A: Owl be yours.
  142. Q: What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine’s Day? A: You’re purr-fect for me.
  143. Q: What did the bat say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? A: Lets hang out.
  144. Q: Did you hear about the man who promised his girlfriend a diamond for Valentine’s Day? A: He took her to a baseball park.
  145. Q: What did the elephant say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? A: I love you a ton.
  146. Q: What did the boy sheep say to the girl sheep on Valentine’s Day? A: You’re not so baaaa-d.
  147. Q: What is the most romantic city in England? A: Loverpool.
  148. Q: Why is Valentine’s Day a great day for a party? A: Because you can party hearty.
  149. Q: What did the pickle say to his Valentine? A: You mean a great dill to me.
  150. Q: What happened when the two angels got married? A: They lived harpily ever after.
  151. Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine’s Day? A: I’m stuck on you.
  152. Q: What’s the best part about Valentines Day? A: The next day when all the chocolate goes on sale.
  153. Q: What does a carpet salesman give his wife for Valentine’s Day? A: Rugs and kisses.
  154. Q: What is a ram’s favorite song on February 14th? A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear.
  155. Q: What do you get when you kiss a dragon on Valentine’s Day? A: Third degree burns on your lips.
  156. Q: What did the vampire call his sweetheart? A: His ghoul-friend.
  157. Q: What happened when the two tennis players met? A: It was lob at first sight.
  158. Q: What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? A: Be my Valenstein.
  159. Q: What did one piece of string say to the other on February 14th? A: “Be my valentwine.”
  160. Q: What did the ghost say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? A: By my valenslime
  161. Q: What did one calculator say to the other on Valentine’s Day? A: “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.”
  162. Q: What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day? A: Lots of hogs and kisses.
  163. Q: What did one door bell say to the other on February 14th? A: “Be my valenchime.”
  164. Q: What did the bat say to his girlfriend? A: “You’re fun to hang around with.”
  165. Q: Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable? A: Because it’s got heart.
  166. Q: Why did the boy put candy under his pillow? A: Because he wanted sweet dreams.
  167. Q: What did the whipped cream say to the ice cream on Valentine’s Day? A: I’m sweet on you.
  168. Q: What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine’s Day? A: Cauliflowers.
  169. Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? A: Forget-me-nuts.
  170. Q: Did you hear about the blind porcupine? A: He fell in love with a pin cushion.
  171. Q: What did the drum say to the other drum on Valentine’s Day? A: My heart beats for you.
  172. Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune? A: Because it couldn’t get a date.
  173. Q: What did the valentines day card say to the stamp? A: Stick with me and you’ll go places
  174. Q: Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy? A: It was Valenswine’s Day.

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Philosophers don't get salaries

They get food for thought

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I thought 'H' is silent

One Day I asked Ms. Doris, our English teacher: "Why do we ignore some letters in pronunciation. eg the letter....'H'.......in Hour, Honest, Honor.....e.t.c.........???"

Ms. Doris: "We are not ignoring them; they are considered silent."!

(I was even more confused.........??)

During the lunch break, MS. Doris gave me her packed lunch & asked me to heat it in the cafeteria.

I ate all the food and returned her an empty container....!!

Ms. Doris: "What happened, I told you to go and HEAT my food & you are returning me an empty container??"

Me: "Madam I thought 'H' was silent"

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2 guys are sitting in a plane

The food comes and one of them gets up to go to the bathroom. When he comes back he finds his food was eaten so he asks his friend why he ate it. He responds with "honestly I thought you left"

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So I'm Waiting in line at the Supermarket near my house

Now this is a true story. So I'm waiting in the line of the supermarket of my local supermarket (the self checkout line that is) and I hear a couple ahead of me have a conversation that goes something like this:

Man (Husband): Did you get enough dog food?
Wife: What - for your bitch mum who's coming over to the house for dinner or the dog?

Lol just thought I'd post it here.

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What are the most funny Food For Thought jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Food For Thought? Well, here are the best Food For Thought dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Food For Thought pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes