follow Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious follow stories

What are the best Follow puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Follow? Well here is a complete list of Follow dad jokes:

God is travelling around the world to spread his religon

He gets to India and asks the public, 'Will you take my commandments to be yours?' The public says no and decides to try elsewhere.

He gets to China and asks, 'Will you follow my commandments?' And the public replies no.

He gets to Israel and asks, 'Will you take my commandments?' The crowd begins to look at each other questioningly and a single man steps forward.

'How much do they cost?'

God replies, 'They're free.'

The crowd shouts back, 'WE'LL TAKE TEN!'

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The very famous barber

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before Icon get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About three hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey. Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he haste wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A lithe while later. Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he let here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

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Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the Mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just Eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh!t inside!"

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I can make the boss give me the day off.

Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

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Two great white sharks . . .

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.


"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. The father added, "First, we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."


And they did.


"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."


And they did.


"Now we eat everybody."


And they did.


When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"


His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!"

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A Rapey looking man follows two Nuns...SFW

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) ,

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL)

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL : The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM : And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister?

A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

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A chihuahua??

Two women were walking their dogs one evening when they came across a club. One woman, having never been to a club before said she wished she could go in right now except they wouldn't let her dog in. The other woman proclaimed that was nonsense and to follow her lead. She pulled a pair of dark sunglasses out of her purse and walked up to the bouncer. They bouncer explained that they don't allow pets in the club.
"No, this is my seeing eye dog," she responded.
"A boxer?? That's unusual."
She said it was a new thing they were trying with her and then the bouncer let her in. The second woman didn't really know how to follow up with that since two blind women together trying to get into a club might be suspicious. She goes up to the bouncer anyway who tries to stop her from coming in with a pet. She also says that it's her seeing eye dog.
"A chihuahua? I've never seen one as a seeing eye dog before," the bouncer says to her.
She responds, "They gave me a fucking chihuahua????"

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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Just follow the Fresh Prints

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How many Deadheads (Grateful Dead fans) does it take to change a lightbulb?

No one knows, they wait for it to burn out and follow it around for twenty years.

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A blonde in a snowstorm

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

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light bulb

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

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There were two fellas working for the town council one day, walking through the park.

One would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill it in. They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you're putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again.

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we're a three-man team, but the bloke who plants the trees is sick today."

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Doctor, doctor, I think I'm addicted to Twitter...

Sorry, I don't follow you.

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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Follow the fresh prints.

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Irish Sausage

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only
raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two
pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much
trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a
plan, Cheers!"

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick
the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees
and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them
out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and
more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I
can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are
killin'me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the
sausage in the third pub!"

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Lady barges into radio shack

She grabs at the nearest employee and exclaims:


"I need a pack of double A batteries RIGHT NOW!"


The employee, flustered, replies: "All right, stay calm and just ... come this way", as he gestures her to follow him with a wave of his fingers.


She yells "If I could do that, I wouldn't need the batteries!"

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A man goes to his optometrist...

He complains, "Doc, I can't see things far away. What can you do to help?" The optometrist says "Follow me." and heads outside.

He points to the sun and asks the man, "Can you tell me what you see there?" The man replies, "That's the sun, of course!"

The optometrist then says, "How much further do you want to see?!"

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Twitter Addiction

A man tells his doctor, Doc, help me. I'm addicted to Twitter! The doctor replies, Sorry, I don't follow you."

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The McDonalds

When I was 8 I brought in my tomogatchi (**ignore spelling**) to a McDonald's. my family sat down to eat and I saw this girl with a tomogatchi too. She stares at me then goes into the bathroom. I wait a minute then follow her in. She was waiting for me. We linked our games and had tomogatchi babies together.

Still to this day, the most sexual thing I have ever done.

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A really bad joke a friend told me (sorry in advance)

A state trooper is driving on a highway. Suddenly, as he drives behind a civilian car, the car starts increasing its speed. The trooper starts to follow the car, suspecting something is up. The car keeps increasing the speed, going up to almost 140mph. After about 10 min chase the driver finally gives up and pulls over.

The state trooper, now extremely pissed off, goes to the driver and says: "if you can give me ONE good reason why you were driving so fast, I'll let you go!"

"Well," the drive says "2 years ago my wife left me for a state trooper... I thought you were bringing her back!"

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blond joke

A blonde went into an internet cafe to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money, but I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).

"Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did.

He then said "Now get on your knees."

She did.

"Now take down my zipper."

She did.

"Now go ahead ... Take it out....." He said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands. Then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered .."Well ... Go ahead."

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .... tentatively said .... "Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"

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A dictator takes over a village...

He says, "Everyone who is not in a relationship, you are free to go. As for everyone else, stay here." The people do what he says.

The dictator continues, "All the men, get in a line and get naked, all of the women, get a blindfold." The townspeople follow procedure.

The dictator then says "All women, you will go down the line and find your significant other. You will do this by giving a blowjob to him."

The first woman goes down the line. "Not mine, not mine, not mine, found him!" They both leave.

The second woman goes down the line. "Not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, found him!" They both leave.

The third woman goes down the line. "Not mine, not mine, not mine, not from this village, not mine..."

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Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not find out about each other.

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Moses, Jesus and Mohammed were selecting their followers...

Moses looks at all the women from whom to create his chosen people, picks out all of the smart ones and tells them to follow him. Jesus' turn comes, he looks at the remaining group, picks all of the most beautiful ones and tells them to follow him. Mohammed takes a look at the remaining group, sighs and says "cover yourself up"

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So this guy is really drunk

So I'm at this bar and the guy next to me is really drunk. The bartender has really had enough of him, so I say to the guy, "Come on, guy, let's go, I'll drive you home." He's pretty drunk and just nods and barks a little. So I pull him out of the booth and he can't even walk, I'm trying to guide him to the door, and he just keeps falling down. This happens all the way to the car. Anyway, I get him in the car, and I ask him where he lives, he points and I follow his directions. He finally says, here. So I get out, go around and open his door and try to extract him out of my car, and he just can't walk, keeps stumbling and falling down, I'm doing my best to guide and help him but he just keeps falling down and hitting his head and stuff. I finally get him to his door and I ring the bell. A lady answers, presumably his wife and I say, "I'm sorry Ma'am, but your husband is really drunk, so I drove him home", she says, "Yeah, Yeah, thanks, but where's his wheelchair?"

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Whats the difference between your mom and a washing machine?

When I drop a load in the washing machine it doesn't follow me around for a week.

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3 Guys go to hell...

...and are greeted by a charming looking gentleman at the gate. "Greetings," the man says "I'm Satan, welcome to hell!" to which the 3 men begin to back away in fear, but Satan approached them gently "Now now fellas, there's nothing to be scared of! I'm quite the reasonable guy! Come on I'll give you the tour!" Unsure, but curious, the 3 guys follow Satan around through various rooms.

"And here we have Dave! Dave wished to have enough money to swim in!" and they peaked through a hole to see a man gleefully swimming through gold. "Now, you each get your own room!" and the men were ecstatic!

The first man bursts forward "Oh, Oh me first!" and Satan nods "I want all of the most beautiful women!" and Satan smiles and leads him to a platinum door, opening it to reveal a warehouse sized room full of the most beautiful women of all races, and all naked, enticing him to enter.

Satan stops the man from entering "One last thing, a simple 'catch' as you might say, you cannot leave the room for 1000 years. Are you sure this is your one true desire?" he asks, receiving a yes without hesitation. "Very well, the room is all yours!" the man gives Satan a hug and runs into the room with Satan closing, and locking the door behind him.

The second man, a little pudgy man, steps forward and says "I love to eat, I want a room full of the best food from all around the world!" and Satan nods, and brings the man to a different room, which when opened revealed different varieties of cakes, pie, cooked entrees, and delicacies. His eyes light up, and he rushes on in with the door closing and locking behind him.

Satan looks towards the third man who hesitantly asks Satan "Hey man, do you have a room with a lot of weed? I just want to be baked off of my ass for 1000 years" and Satan smiles "I'm Satan! Of course I've got weed!" and he leads the man to another door, which revealed a warehouse full of marijuana. "Hell yeah! Thanks Satan!" and he enters with the door closing and locking behind him.

1000 years later, Satan makes his rounds to check up on the men in the rooms, he stops by the first room to find the first man in a room full of babies, pregnant nagging women, lots of crying, and feces everywhere. The man spots the light, looks at Satan, and reaches out his hand "Satan...Help me!" and Satan laughs and closes the door again.

He opens the second door to find a man so fat he can't even sit up, he's covered in his own feces, the food around him is all rotten, flies are everywhere. He too spots the light, looks toward Satan "Satan...help me!" and Satan laughs and closes the door again.

He walks over to the last door, unlocks it, and suddenly the door flies open, the man grabs Satan and yells "Satan you gotta lighter!?"

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Follow your dreams

Except for that one where you're naked at work.

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Bad News & Really Bad News

A man goes to his doctors office for a follow up appt a few days after geting some lab work done.
The doctor comes in and says "I have Bad news and really bad news."
The man says "I'll take the bad news first to which the doctor replies that the test result have come in and that he has 24 hours to live. The man is completly dumbfounded and then says "If thats the bad news wtf is the worst news?"
The doctor replies "Well, I forgot to call you yesterday"

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How do you find Will Smith in the forest?

You follow the fresh prints.

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Doctor, Doctor, I'm addicted to twitter...

Sorry, I don't follow you.

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I just tried to follow Tim Howard on twitter...

I got blocked.

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You have to give it to pedophiles

They're the only ones who follow the speed limit in school zones

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A man goes to his rabbi.

He says to the rabbi, "I think my wife is trying to poison me but I have no idea why". The rabbi, concerned about the distress the Jew was experiencing says "Don't worry, I will talk to your wife." A few days pass and the man returns to his rabbi still fearing for his life. The rabbi sits him down and says to him "My child, I spent several hours speaking to your wife, follow my advice, take the poison."

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If I had to describe myself in one word...

It would be, "Unable to follow instructions."

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What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

You can throw your load in a washing machine and it won't follow you around for two weeks afterward

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Patient: Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm addicted to Twitter!

Doctor: Sorry, I don't follow you.

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A German, a Mexican, and a Chinaman

A German, a Mexican, and a Chinaman all come to the U.S. together eager to live the American dream. Ready to work, they go around knocking on doors asking if anyone needs help. An old man answers the door and informs them that he needs a new barn built. The three agree to do it and follow the old man behind the house.

The old man explains what he wants and leaves them to it telling them that they'll find tools in the old barn.

The German takes charge and says, "I'll design it and supervise the job." Points to the Mexican and says, "You'll do the labor and dig the foundation," and points to the Chinaman and says, "You'll be in charge of the supplies."

Immediately the Chinaman takes off. After a little while the German completes the design and the Mexican gets right to work. A little while later the foundation has been excavated and the German and the Mexican look at each other wondering where the Chinaman is with the supplies. About half an hour later, the Mexican climbs out of the hole and joins the German in the search for the Chinaman.

They are look around the old barn and as they're about to round the corner, the Chinaman jumps out with a smile on his face and his hands flailing in the air and yells, "SUPPLIES!"

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3 Nuns die in a car crash...

...and as they have all dedicated their lives to God, their souls are immediately sent up to heaven, where they meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Sisters, I know you are all devout followers of Christ, but unfortunately we have protocol to follow up in here in heaven, and I must first ask each of you a simple question before I can let you enter."

The sisters are somewhat surprised, a little nervous, but agree to answer St. Peter's questions.

"Sister Anne," he says, "who was the first man on earth?"

Sister Anne says "Oh that's an easy one, Adam!"

-GONG- The gates of heaven open up, and Sister Anne walks through.

"Sister Mary: who was the first woman on earth?"

Relieved, Sister Mary exclaims "Eve!"

-GONG- The gates open again, and Sister Mary enters, leaving only Sister Theresa behind.

"Sister Theresa...what was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?"

Sister Theresa pauses, the smile disappearing from her face. She realizes she can't think of the answer, despite her best efforts. Scratching her head in confusion and panic, she admits, "That's a really hard one."

-GONG-

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Relax, I'm the Doctor

A pregnant woman is in labor for many hours at the hospital. Finally the baby is delivered, and the exhausted woman holds out her arms. "Give me my baby," she says. "I want to hold my baby."

"Just a moment, ma'am," the doctor says. "I'm sure you know there's a routine procedure we follow for newborns." He turns the child over and slaps it on its butt.

"OK," says the woman. "Now give me my baby."

"Just a moment, ma'am, just a moment," says the doctor. Then he turns the baby over again, and punches it square in the face.

The woman gasps. "Ok, ok!" she says. "Now give me my baby!"

"Ma'am," the doctor says reassuringly. "Trust me. I'm a professional. Just one more moment, please." With this, he takes the baby by the ankles, raises it above his head, and slams it against a steel operating table, over and over again.

"Oh my God!" the woman screams. "You killed my baby!"

"Aw, I'm just fucking with you," the doctor laughs. "It was already dead."

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A preist, a monk, and a rabbi are sitting on a boat...

The monk says "oh right I forgot something back at the dock" and then proceeds to run across the water to the dock and back. The priest is astonished at the powers of Buddhism and the rabbi simply nods. hours later the rabbi needs to use the restroom and proceeds to follow in the monks suit running across water to reach the bathroom. At this point the priest it blown away the powers of these two holy men, the priest then needs to use the restroom, he offers a prayer to god and leaps off the boat... Splash he falls right in. Undeterred he tries again and again prayer after prayer. hours later the priest gives up soaked and exhausted, defeated he begins to sob. Seeing this the rabbi leans over to the monk and whispers " you did tell him about the rocks right?"

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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You follow the fresh prints

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If women who hang out with a group of musicians and follow them around from gig-to-gig are called "groupies", what do you call the men who do the same thing?

They are called "bassists".

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Why is it difficult to follow no nut November ?

Well, it gets increasingly 'hard' as the days pass by.

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A better blonde joke

What is the difference between a brick and a blonde? If you lay a brick it doesn't follow you home.

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How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm?

You follow the fresh prints.

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Did you hear Gotye converted from Judaism to Catholicism?

After realizing he didn't need to follow Jewish customs, he exclaimed to the rabbi, "you didn't have to cut me off!"

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I would have been a stripper...

...but I just couldn't pull it off.

Follow the format; go!

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How to Catch a Bear.

Have you ever wanted to catch a bear? If you have, there are 4 simple steps to follow.

Step 1) Dig a big hole to catch the bear in.

Step 2) Cover the bottom of the hole in ashes so the bear doesn't get hurt when it falls in the hole.

Step 3) Sprinkle berries around the ring of the hole, because bears love berries.

Step 4) When the bear comes to eat the berries, kick it in the ash-hole.

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What do you call disabled people that follow politics?

A special interest group.

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best follow jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about follow. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty follow gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these follow jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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