Flying High Jokes

A prisoner at the Edmonton Max started training a large fly to do tricks.
For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect.
It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from Phantom of the opera.
"When you and I get out of here," the jailbird said to the fly "we’re going to tour the nightspots and make a fortune."
Finally the day arrived.
Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate.
At the bar, he brought out his trick fly.
On cue, it started moonwalking.
"What about this fly, eh?" he said to the bartender.
In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the newspaper The edmonton sun, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe.
"Glad you saw it," muttered the bartender. "Blasted things are everywhere."

A Serb and an Albanian from Kosovo found a lamp, rubbed it and the Ginnie showed up in front of them.
"I will grant you three wishes for setting me free out of this lamp. But, since there are two of you, one can have two wishes and the other only one".
A Serb said: "I am very modest, I'll have one wish. Let my Albanian friend have two".
"What is your first wish?", the Ginnie asked Albanian.
"I wish that there are no Serbs in Kosovo at all any more".
"Done", said the Ginnie.
" What is your second wish?"
"I wish that whole of Kosovo is surrounded with high wall, so no more Serbs can return ever again".
" Done", said the Ginnie.
"Now you", sad the Ginnie to a Serb, "What is that you wish?".
A Serb was thinking for a moment, than asked the Ginnie: "Are there realy no more Serbs in Kosovo at all?".
"That's right", said the Ginnie.
"And whole of Kosovo is surrounded with high wall?", a Serb asked again.
"It certainly is. All around. Not even a fly could enter it now", the Ginnie replied.
Then Serb said: "OK, now fill it up with water""

Three men playing golf

There were three men playing a round of golf, Moses, Jesus, and an old man. They get to the 18th hole and Moses gets to tee-off first; he hits his ball into the water. Next up is Jesus, and he does the same as Moses, hits it right into the water. Next up is the old man and he hits it right into the water with Moses and Jesus.
All three approach the edge of the pond. Moses walks up a little closer, throws his arms high into the air and the water of the pond begins to part down the middle. He walks down to his ball, hits it out of the pond and into the hole.
Next up, Jesus. He walks out onto the water and his ball floats up to the surface, so he hits his ball off of the water into the hole. The old man decides he will try something cool so he walks into the water and hits his ball, which flies out of the water, hits a bird, bounces off a tree, then gets deflected off the pin and hits a rabbit then bounces into the hole.
Moses turns to Jesus and says, "I hate it when your father plays!"

The Wasp

There once was a wasp, he wasn't very happy with his life in the hive. One day he decided to go back to high school. After his senior year he graduated with flying colours, a 4.0 GPA, honours with distinction and 4 scholarships. After high school he applies to Harvard. Of course, he gets accepted and breezes through, finishing with 5 phDs. He then decides he wants to go into politics. He starts out municipally and then onto state government, until he finally decides to run for President of the United States. He wins in a landslide, he was so popular that it was rumoured the opposition even voted for him. After his 8 years in office (yes, he got reelected) he remembers all the other wasps he left behind in the hive. He goes back to visit them. He sees his mother, his father, his auntie, his uncle, his brothers, his sisters, his cousins, and his one in-bred half brother on his dads side. When he is there he gets thirsty, he goes to the watering hole but there is a gigantic line, he estimates that it would take him 3 days to get a drink. "No point in waiting that long." He said. Then he made his way to the cider, but there is an even longer line there. Suddenly, he remembers that almost no one drinks punch in his hive. He makes his way over to the punch bowl, and guess what? There is no punchline.

A joke about black aviation.

So my cousin is in aviation school. He decided to learn how to fly so he can propose to his fiance. Anyway almost all of the other students in his class are black people. Nothing wrong with that, it was just weird because it's in an area with very few african americans. So it's weird to see that many, like 20 in one place. Anyway, My cousin was really struggling with several key things in flight, and so he asks the best in the class, who happens to be black, if he will offer his help. They both practice together for a couple of days until my cousin finally gets the whole thing down. Eventually the test day roles around and he is really nervous, so with the test, he asks the instructor if his black friend helping him could lend moral support by flying at the same time. The instructor agrees, and they take the test. So in the end, my cousin lands the plane at the same time as the black man, and they both run and high-five each other. The instructor informs my cousin that he got top marks. He had passed with flying colors.

A lady was walking home late one night...

when she heard a blood curdling cry behind her. Horrifed, she whipped around and saw a r**... lunatic charging headlong at her with a knife held high, bloodshot eyed and spittle flying.
Ran she did for all she is worth, screaming for help all the way, but at last she tired and stopped to plead with the mad man.
'Please, i will...will do anything!' She stammered, closed to fainting.
The mad man stopped, stared at her from head to toe, pondered a while or so, before handing her the knife and with a blissful smile, said, 'Ok then, its your turn to chase me!'

A blonde, a priest, a pilot and a student on a crashing plane

A blonde woman, a priest, a pilot, and a high schooler are all on a crashing plane.
There are only enough parachutes to save three of them, and the pilot is the first to jump out. He grabs a parachute and says, "I'm a pilot! People need me to fly planes!" and then jumps out.
The blonde is next to jump out. She grabs a parachute and says, "My hair won't look pretty if I'm dead!" and then jumps out.
The priest then says to the high schooler, "Son, I've lived my life to its fullest and I am surely ready to join God in heaven."
The high schooler then hands a parachute to the priest and puts another parachute on himself. The priest is shocked and asks the high schooler, "Oh Lord! Where did you find this extra parachute?"
The high schooler replies, "The blonde lady took my backpack!"

A rich snail walks into a car dealership

The rich snail wants something fast, elegant, and luxurious, after browsing Mercedes, Ferraris, Bugattis, and tons of other high end cars he decides on one.
So the rich snail pays in cash and walks up to the dealerships auto body guy and says "I want you to paint big S's all the this car, big S's on the front, the sides, the back, the top, big S's everywhere. The auto body guy tells him he can do it sure, but can't help to ask the snail why he wants big S's all over the car.
So the rich snail answers him "so when I fly past people on the highway, they point and say
"WOW! Look at that S Car Go!!"

A Statistician Refuses to Fly

His friend asks him, "Why do you have this irrational fear of flying?"
"Irrational?" the statistician replies, "Not at all. I've merely calculated the odds of a bomb being placed on a plane and it's much too high for my comfort."
A few days later, the friend boarded a flight only to find the statistician sitting in the seat next to you. "What happened? Have the odds changed?" the man asked.
"No, the odds of a bomb being on a plane haven't changed. But I calculated the odd of two bombs being on a plane, and I found those odds much more acceptable. So now I just bring my own."