flushed Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious flushed puns

A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom

The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."

The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.

"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"

"What drugs?"

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I just made love to my girlfriend

She asked, "If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?"

I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.

"Well" I said, "If he can get out of that, we'll call him Houdini".

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A man with drugs was caught by the cops in the bathroom

The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."

The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.

"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"

"What drugs?"

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A cannibal dumped his girlfriend.

And then flushed.

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He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face

as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, then forwards, then backwards again. Back and
forth, in and out, back and forth...

Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed. Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

"Okay, Okay! I can't park the bloody car! You do it, you smug bastard!"

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A man comes home from work...

...and walks upstairs to find his wife flushed, naked and panting on his bed. Bewildered he asks "What's going on?!"

"I think... I'm having... a heartattack!" she replies. In a panic the man runs downstairs to call an ambulance.

When he put down the phone is son is right next to him. "Dad, I think I saw uncle Gary naked in the closet."

So he marches upstairs into his bedroom and opens his wardrobe. Sure enough his brother Gary is in there.

He lets out a disappointed sigh.

"You're a right piece of work you are...

The wife's having a heart attack and you're running round naked scaring the kids!"

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Why does Marx's toilet play a sonata when flushed?

Because of the violins inherent in the cistern.

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So I flushed my extra viagra down the toilet...

I haven't been able to close the lid in weeks.

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I complimented the toilet.

It flushed.

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I flushed my fish down the toilet so he could die as he lived.

With me treating him like shit.

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A man walks into a bank...

... and goes to one of the older female tellers. She says, "May I help you?"

He says, "Yes, I wanna open a fuckin' bank account."

She says, "I beg your pardon."

He says again, "I wanna open a fuckin' bank account."

She becomes flushed and says, "You'd better watch your language sir, or I'm going to go get the bank manager!"

He says, "What, cause I wanna open a fuckin' bank account? This is a fuckin' bank, ain't it?"

She says, "That's it! Wait right here!"

She leaves and returns in a few seconds along with the bank manager. The manager asks, "What seems to be the problem?"

The man says, "I just wanna open a fuckin' bank account for $500,000."

The bank manager says, "And is this cunt giving you a hard time?"

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I like my men like I like my cocaine...

White, chopped into a fine powder, and flushed down the toilet once the police realize what I did and bang on my door.

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Chuck Norris once flushed a condom

Three weeks later the ninja turtles were born

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"You know, honey, when i'm old and very ill, i don't want to live like a vegetable..

i don't want to depend on any machine or any other fluids that are supposed to keep me alive". As i said that to her, she looked at me dearly, then she went on to confiscate my phone, laptop and flushed down the toilet all the beer i had.

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In the land of poker, different people had different toilets. The peasants had toilets that flushed clockwise, and the nobles had toilets that flushed counterclockwise. The king had neither.

He had a royal straight flush.

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I told my toilet to go eat shit...

I probably shouldn't have said that because he got all flushed.

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Back and Forth In and Out Yeah Baby!!!

right. . . a little to the left. . . she could feel the sweat on her

forehead . . . between her breasts . . . and trickling down the small of

her back . . . she was getting near the end.

He was in ecstasy . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife

moved . . . forwards then backwards . . . forward then backward, again . . .

and again . . . her heart was pounding now . . . her face was flushed . . .

she moaned softly at first, then began to groan louder . . .

finally . . . totally exhausted, she let out a piercing scream . . .

"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park. You do it!"

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Nihilistic Kindergartners

David Bloom gained notoriety for his book Piscus Terminus: How to tell your five year old you flushed his fish down the toilet. Noted for its brute realism, the book's message led many kindergartners to spiral into a nihilistic despair, which contributed to the phenomenon of so called Kierkegaardeners , whose existential search for subjective truth in an otherwise meaningless world made birthday parties kind of a downer.

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What did the toilet say to the other toilet?

You look flushed.

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Massive Shit

Go and have a look at the size of the shit I've just done in the bathroom! I said to my wife.

No thanks, she replied.

Please, just one quick look, I said, You won't believe it.

She pinched her nose, ran in, looked down the toilet, then ran out and said, There's nothing down there, you must've flushed it.

I said, It's on the scales.

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What did one John say to the other John?

"What's the matter? You look flushed!"

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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girl friend?

He flushed.

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What did the reddish poo say to the brown poo?

"I feel flushed."

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I was sitting on an automatic toilet yesterday and it flushed underneath me before I was done.

Scared the shit outta me.

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What did one John say to the other?

You look flushed.

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I was bullied at school. They always stole my dinner money and gave me wedgies. One day they flushed my head down the toilet

It was then i decide to give up teaching

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I walked into the Urgent Care bathroom and read a sign that said "Nothing other than Toilet Paper in the Toilet"

So I Shit on the floor and flushed the toilet paper.

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The amount of toilets are flushed around in the world in one minute

Is a shit ton

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Sometimes, the egg does get fertilised...

But doesn't attach to the uterine wall, and gets flushed out with the period.

This is a misconception.

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Donated to my favorite charity after attending it for only 10 minutes...

Then flushed the toilet and continued my day.

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Hey buddy I was reminded of you this morning.

But then I flushed the toilet and went on about my business.

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Why did the peanut family get flushed down the toilet?

Because they were pieces of shit

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A man comes back from the pub...

His wife see his face red flushed with anger a vein ready to pop on his forehead.

"What's wrong Joe? usually you're so relaxed coming back from the pub" she asked.

"It's that prick of a milkman. He was saying how he'd fucked every woman on this street bar one. Can you believe it."

"No I can't... I bet it's that stuck up bitch at number 55"

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Why couldn't the poop get flushed down the drain?

Because it was deterred.

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An elderly couple decides to try Viagra...

...At first they really enjoyed their reignited passion. After a while, however, the wife just felt wore out and couldn't take it any more. The husband was always ready for action, but the wife just needed a break. So she decided to flush the Viagra down the toilet while her husband was out of the house one day.

After she flushed the Viagra almost immediately she realized that something was wrong with the toilet, so she called the plumber:

Plumber - "How can I help you?"

Wife - "I flushed my husbands Viagra down the toilet, and now it's broken!"

Plumber - "Oh, is it clogged?"

Wife - "No. The lid won't stay down"

*bah-dun-tiss*

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What are the most funny Flushed jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Flushed? Well, here are the best Flushed dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Flushed pick up lines to share with friends.

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