Flu Jokes
132 flu jokes and hilarious flu puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about flu that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
If you're looking for a good laugh, check out our collection of flu jokes. From puns to one-liners, we've got something for everyone.
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Funniest Flu Short Jokes
Short flu jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The flu humour may include short sick jokes also.
- My daughters favorite joke... What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
One requires tweetment, and the other requires oinkment. - Over 99.99% of people that took the vaccine for the 1918 Spanish Flu have passed away. This seems very suspicious to me!
- What's the difference between Swine flu, and Bird flu? one requires 'oinkment' and the other needs 'tweetment'.
i'm sorry. - Smallpox, the Spanish Flu, and the black death have already done the whole global pandemic thing... What covid is doing is just plaguerism.
- The Pope is sick. Apparently the Pope resigned because he was sick with bird flu. He got it from a Cardinal.
- It's flu season and I just saw 3 homeless people caring for each other. They were giving each other flu shots under the overpass. What a caring community we live in God Bless.
- If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.
- Did you know that during child birth there is a point where the lady experiences such excruciating pain that for a moment She almost knows how bad it is to be a man who has the flu
- My neighbor uses a wood stove, but lately he's had the flu and been too sick to chop his own wood. Do you think it would be a nice gesture to go chop some firewood for him? Axeing for a friend.
- My dad told me that I would only be successful when pigs fly. WELL GUESS WHAT DAD?! Swine Flu.
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Flu One Liners
Which flu one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with flu? I can suggest the ones about cold and fever.
- This person told me "When pigs fly I'll get my kid vaccinated!" Alas, swine flu.
- What is the most common illness in China? Kung Flu.
- They said when pigs fly.. But the swine already flu
- The new Pope got Bird flu... ...I heard he caught it from one of his Cardinals.
- Wow, it's august 2020? This year flu by............................
- What does a nut with the flu sound like? *CAAAASHEW!*
- Doctor told me I have viral eye infection... Must be the cornea virus
- A lot of people talk about when pigs fly but swine flu.
- What does a sick ninja practice? kung flu
- How did they cure the swine flu? With oinkment.
- What do vegans get instead of bird flu? Toflu
- I became ill after taking self-defense classes... I think I caught Kung Flu.
- It's the cold and flu time of year Or as I like to call it, vitamin C-son.
- WebMD just released the entire catalog of human diseases... * cancer
* flu - I once caught the flu... ...at the Airport.
Think it was a Terminal Disease
Swine Flu Jokes
Here is a list of funny swine flu jokes and even better swine flu puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the difference between an honest politician and a flying pig? There actually was a time when swine flu.
- Did you hear about the pig who got sick after catching a flight? Swine flu
- A patient tells his doctor he thinks he contracted Swine Flu and Avian Flu at the same time. The doctor tells him "I'll believe that when pigs fly."
- How did the pig get out of the tree? The swine flu
(joke my dad made up a couple years back during all this) - How do we know pigs fly? Swine flu.
- WHAT DO YOU CALL A FLYING PIG? Swine flu
- What happened when pigs started flying? Everyone got swine flu
- What happens when a cop sneezes on you? You get the swine flu
- Them: When pigs fly! Me: Swine flu!
- what was wrong with the air? the swine flu
Bird Flu Jokes
Here is a list of funny bird flu jokes and even better bird flu puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Have you guys heard about the bird flu? I mean, I don't know why it's such a big deal. They tend to do that quite often.
- I caught bird flu while waiting for a flight at the airport I have since found out it is a terminal illness.
- Outbreak - New Strain of Bird Flu Discovered!!! It's called Chirpies.
It's a Canarial Disease.
It's Untweetable. - The bird developed an illness. i think it started when the bird flu.
- They ran out crying 'Bird Flu !!!' I looked up and couldn't see any, I'm sure they were lying.
- My parents bought me a bird called Enza and in-flu-Enza
- Dr.'s are saying not to worry about the bird flu because it's tweetable.
- Bird flu epidemic or pun?
- Its gone viral Bird flu - 45 million dead chickens and turkeys.
- Did you hear about the deaths from bird flu? They were all chicken
Man Flu Jokes
Here is a list of funny man flu jokes and even better man flu puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When my mother died all my father said was, "Cough, fatigue, fever." He's a man of flu words.
- A man walks up to the pearly gates Saint Peter asks, "How did you get here?"
The mans answers, "Flu." - Why did the Crip shoot the man with stomach flu? Because he kept throwing up Blood.
- Man, the deep dish pizza guy caught the flu and now he thinks he controls the world I'm not sure if the ill Lou Malnati story holds up.
- The legend say: When a woman is giving birth almost can feel the pain of a man with the flu.
Spanish Flu Jokes
Here is a list of funny spanish flu jokes and even better spanish flu puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A 102 year old woman who survived the 1918 Spanish Flu has now beaten coronavirus TWICE But she was no match for my car
- What does a high school/college senior call the Spanish Flu? señoritis
Flu Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about flu you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean virus jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make flu pranks.
Jim had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work,...
...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"
"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.
"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"
"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"
"The word of the day is 'contagious'" Said the teacher, "Who can use it in a sentence?"
Little Jenny stood up and said "My dad has a cold and said its contagious"
The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.
Billy stood up and said "Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think its contagious"
Happy with Billy's response, the teacher asked for one more student to stand up and give an example.
Little Johnny stood up...
"Miss, my next door neighbour is painting his house with a 1 inch brush and my dad said its going to take the contagious."
A pig goes to the doctors with swine flu.
The doctor gives him a leaflet for a therapeutic spa and tells him to go straight there.
When he gets there he's instructed to lay in a shallow bath of salt and sugar.
He chuckles to himself and thinks, "what's this supposed to do, cure me!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment!!!!
When I told my parents my wife had come down with the flu, my Dad said,
"Well have you tried euthanasia?"
In the background I could hear my Mom yell, "For the last time Henry, it's pronounced 'Echinacea'! Echinacea'!!!!
Caught the flu in Madrid on a business trip.
Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.
"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"
The doctor strolled into the room within seconds, and whilst I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms. When I finally stammered out "h...how does the hotel have their own doctor on call?", he simply shook his head and cracked a smile, and replied:
"Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician."
An old Jewish man is taken ill with the flu
His wife looks after him, and as he continues to worsen, she asks him if there's anything she can get to help.
"Yes, go get a priest."
"A priest? But we're Jewish!"
"What, I should get the Rabbi sick too?"
I caught the flu in Madrid.
While sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realized I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.
"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"
The doctor strolled into the room within seconds, and whilst I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms. When I finally stammered out "h...how does the hotel have their own doctor on call?", he simply shook his head and cracked a smile, and replied:
"Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician."
The teacher asks her students to use the word "contagious" in a sentence.
Jenny pipes up instantly; "My mum has the flu, I think it's contagious!".
"Excellent work!", the teacher responds. "Anyone else have an example? What about you Seamus?"
Seamus McDougall, the new Irish exchange student, thinks for a moment.
"M' Pa made me lunch t'day, but it took the contagious!".
The phone rang in the principal's office...
Principal: "Hello?"
Caller: "Umm yes hi, my son won't be coming to school today because he's got the flu."
Principal: "OK and who may I ask is speaking?"
Caller: "Umm my dad."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu ?
Bird flu requires tweetment and swine flu requires oinkment.
What mountaintop is infamous for making climbers disappear?
\- Peak Aboo.
And which one gives them a flu?
\- Peak Achoo.
The US government has been there for us through hard times From the great depression, the numerous market crashes, through pandemics of flu and tragedies like the loss of American lives.
I'm starting to think they're bad luck
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is the most Shakespearean way to eliminate bird flu?
m**... most fowl.
The flu is kinda like my last girlfriend
Lasted for 2 weeks and got it from my best friend
What device is best to measure a mother's temperature?
A ther-mom-meter
From my 10 year old who had the flu the past couple of days.
Boss, I'm not coming in today. I think I'm sick.
Do you have the flu?
No, I'm in bed with my sister.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The bird flu is pretty n**...
Luckily, it's tweetable.
There is rumor of a new "Amish Flu" out of Pennsylvania...
the symptoms are low grade fever, and you will get a little hoarse and Buggy.
Amish jokes
Have you heard about the promiscuous Amish lady?
She had two Mennonite
I had the Amish flu last week. At first I got a little horse. Then I got a little buggy... but yesterday I got butter
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
friend: where were you?
**me:** I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
**friend:** flu?
**me:** nah— just drove really fast
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm not worried about chemtrails anymore.
My flu shot must be k**... in.
Doctors hate this one easy trick to lose 15 lbs fast!
The flu.
What do you call a person who has flu but does not isolate themselves and is very active on social media?
Influen(zer)
Doctor: how's the flu medicine going for you? I know it's a little bitter
Patient: No, the medicine's fine, can't even taste anything when I take it
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dad Joke: People said the USA would have a black president when pigs fly.
Swine Flu.
Donald Trump has just signed ANOTHER executive order
it's about foreign birds of prey. the order states that any bird, specifically eagles, who have some sort of illness like flu will not be allowed to enter the country.
Trump has labelled them -
ILL EAGLE IMMIGRANTS
Why are people so scared of the riots?
The flu kills way more people every year
As an MD, I gave my mother's sister a flu shot.
Does that make me an auntie-vaxxer?
What do you call a unicorn who got a flu shot?
An immunicorn
Did you hear about the aspiring YouTube star that died from the flu?
He finally went viral.
How did the flu become so popular?
They promoted it using an influenza.
I'm not hungover
It's just the wine flu.
What's the leading cause of death of Pilots?
The Flu
Why did the guy with a lisp hit on the girl with the flu?
Because she was thicc
A PS4 and XBOX One had the flu...
And here comes the ambulance:
WII U WIIU WIIU WII U.
how did joe smuggle a virus?
he flu.
Where is the flu most common?
In cities with high levels of congestion!!
What should you do when you meet a beautiful woman with sparkling eyes, wet lips, pink cheeks, shivering body....
Keep going! She has flu symptoms!
What do you call a casket that's come down with the flu?
A sar-cough-agus
With flu season upon us, the only time I don't feel under the weather
is on an airplane.
How did Captain Kirk get the flu
He Khan-tracted it
You should get your flu vaccination.
It's worth a shot.
My buddy and I both have the flu.
I invited him over for Netflix & chills.
What kind of flu do Chinese people have?
Kung flu
What's the difference between Mike Tyson with the flu, and my ex girlfriend?
At least Mike Tyson was thick.
Why is it against the law for Nick Foles to have the flu?
Because that's an ill eagle scenario
