flowing Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious flowing puns

A man is in the hospital for stomach problems when he suddenly gets diarrhea and shits in bed.

Panicking, the man folds the sheet with the poo and throws it out the window.

The sheet lands on a man walking by. The man wrestles a little with the sheet and the poop comes flowing out.

Another man walks by and asks him what he's doing.

"Damn,you'll never believe me," he replies. "But I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!!

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A man was sobbing next to his ex-wife in the hospital who had just been hit by a bus..

He kept saying "It should have been me... it should have been me" over and over, with tears flowing out of his eyes.

The nurse tried to console him, telling him "Don't be too harsh on yourself. For all you know you couldn't have changed it, even had you been there"

To which he replied : "I guess you're right. After all, I don't even know how to drive a bus"

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A golfer hits a ball off the fairway...

On the seventh hole, a golfer hits a ball off the fairway and it lands in a big field of flowers. He figures it's a playable lie, so he's winding up for a shot and he hears a voice behind him say, "Please don't hurt my buttercups."

The golfer turns around and he sees a woman in a flowing robe. "Who are you?", he says.

"I'm Mother Nature" she replied. "And if you don't hurt my buttercups, I'll give you all of the butter you want for the rest of your life."

The golfer thinks about this and says, "Sure, OK - but where were you on the 5th hole when I hit a shot into the pussy willows?"

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A young Arab boy asks his father What is that strange hat you are wearing?



The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing? asked the boy.

Oh, my son! exclaimed the father It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body."

The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?

"These are 'babouches' my son, the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet."

"So tell me then," added the boy.

"Yes, my son…

"Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this shit?

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A Rabbi and a Priest were having a picnic

A Rabbi and a Priest were having a picnic on a really hot summer day and wanted to dip in the river to cool off. They had not thought to bring bathing suits, so decided to skinny dip instead.

The river was flowing rapidly and both clergy were washed a short distance downstream before getting out. After climbing out of the river they had just started to make a run for it to get to their clothes, when many members of their congregation came into view.

The Priest covered his privates with his hands and put on a burst of speed, but the Rabbi covered his face instead. "What are you doing?" the Priest asked. "I don't know about you," the Rabbi answered, "but my congregants recognize me by my face."

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I drove a girl home...

A girl from work was stressed out that her ride couldn't pick her up, so she asked if I'd drive her home because it was raining heavily and she didn't want to walk home.

I agreed. Well once in the car, we got to talking, mainly about everyday things, what we liked doing, eating, then about work for a bit. With the conversation flowing, we got to her house fairly quick.
She thanked me, went to get out of the car, stopped for a moment, looked at me and whispered, "How the hell did you know where I lived?"

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A young muslim boy asks his dad " what are you wearing on your head?"



The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing? asked the boy.

Oh, my son! exclaimed the father It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body."

The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?

"These are 'babouches' my son, the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet."

Son asks " what is that black tent mom and sister are wearing ?"

Father :" It's called a burkha , it helps the hot desert sand from hitting the face during a sandstorm" .

"So tell me then," added the boy.

"Yes, my son…

"Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this shit?

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The honest lawyer?

The city miser was on his death bed, as his last request he asked to be alone with his lawyer, doctor, and priest. I know I am going to die he said and I would like to take my money with me, so I am going to give each of you $150,000 and I want you to each make sure the money gets in the coffin.

It was a few days after the funeral when the priest over flowing with guilt finally confided to the other two that he only put $100,000 back. I'm glad you brought it up said the doctor, because I have also been feeling guilty, I only put $80,000 back.

You people should be ashamed of yourselves stormed the lawyer stealing money like that, am I the only honest person here? Here look at this he said pulling out his check book,Β  look I wrote out a check for the full $150,000!

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The Golden Toilet

A guy was invited to this lush party by his boss, a very wealthy man. He is very excited as he was born an raised poor and in poverty and had never been to a formal party before. He borrows a tux from a friend and heads to the party. The booze was flowing free of charge so the guy has more than his share, of course. Towards the end of the night, said guy, needed to use the bathroom, and asked the butler where it was. "Down the hall, 32 doors and to the left."...so, down the hall he goes counts the doors and goes RIGHT. Walks in and all he could say was "WOW, this guy is really really rich, he even has a GOLDEN toilet." He does his business and goes home.

He wakes up the next day and realizes he lost his wallet, only thing he can think of is it must have fell out when he was on the toilet. So, he hops in his car and drives on over to his boss's house. The butler answers the door and he says "hey, I think I dropped my wallet next to your golden toilet". The butler turns his head and yells "HEY CHARLIE, HERE'S THE GUY THAT POOPED IN YOUR TUBA!!!"

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Husband & Wife Diary Entries

Wife's Diary

Bob has been acting so weird lately. Yesterday, we had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for supper. I'd been shopping with Jenny all day, so I thought he was upset because I was a bit late, but he didn't say anything about it.

Conversation over supper wasn't flowing, so I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

Tonight, when he came home from work, he skipped supper altogether, piddled in the garage for two hours, then headed straight for his recliner and sat there quietly staring at the TV. When I asked him about the fire they'd just covered on the news, he said he hadn't followed the story. It had just been on!

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed, but he was distant and distracted. He didn't even kiss me goodnight -- he just fell asleep. I lay there for hours wondering what was wrong. I don't know how to reach him. I don't know what to do.

Husband's Diary:

Boat still won't start. Can't figure it out.

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Thank god



Mr. Marlow was strolling through the country when he saw a stable with the most beautiful horse he ever laid eyes on. It was seventeen hands high and white, with rippling muscles and a fine, flowing mane. Mr. Marlow struck a deal to buy it from the owner who did, however, pass on one key piece of information.

"We are a religious family, Mr.Marlow, and we've instilled those values in our horse. To get him to gallop you must say 'Thank God' to get him to stop you must say 'Our Father Who Art in Heaven,"

Settling into the saddle, Marlow said " Thank God," and the animal took off. They rode for miles; suddenly they were coming up to a cliff. Unfortunately, Marlow couldn't remember the phrase to make the animal stop and tried every Biblical passage he could think of until, just a few feet from the edge of the cliff, he shouted, " Our Father Who Art in Heaven! The animal stopped instantly. Shaking and perspiring, Marlow reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. "Thank God," he said as he mopped his brow...

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Girlfriends parents weren't home, hormones were flowing, I stopped at a gas station to grab a box of rubbers. Cashier - Do you need a bag with that?

Me - No man! She's beautiful!

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A guy surprises his fiance by having her name tattooed on his penis.

In flowing script it says, "Wendy."

On their JamaicanΒ honeymoon, he uses a public bathroom and sees a Jamaican man who seems to have the same name tattooed on his penis. The husband asks, "So your girl's name is Wendy, too?"

The guy looks down at his penis and says, "No, once de wrinkles come out, it says, 'Welcome to Jamaica, mon! Have a nice day.'"

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A blonde movie star is pulled over......

The cops walks up to the car and says "driver's licence please". The blonde says "What's a driver's licence?" The cop impatiently responds, "It's that square thing with your picture on it". "Oh!," exclaims the Blonde and she pulls out a square mirror and hands it to the cop. As the cop looks at it, she scratches her head revealing long flowing golden hair*. She then hands it back and says, "Sorry for the inconvenience, I didn't realize you were a cop."

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Spermatozoons are flowing.

One shouts: "I am the STRONGEST, I will be the first". The second one shouts "I am the most HANDSOME, I will be the first". Suddenly the third spermatazoon screams "Guys, we are in an ass!!!" All spermatazoons are in panic, with screams and tears they turn and flow backward. Except the third spermatazoon who continues his way and says silently "This is how the SMARTEST are born"

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What do you call electricity still flowing today?

Current.

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What did the peninsula say before it was split in half by a flowing mass of water?

Crimea River

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What do you build to stop water flowing into a valley?

a DAMN DANIEL!

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I tried to tell my wife about the water flowing on Mars, but she was too angry to listen.

I guess there was blood flowing on Venus.

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When you try to change the current flowing through a solenoid and it resists

Weird flux but OK

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I felt really bored today

So I went to a blood drive. That really got my blood flowing.

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The new OJ Simpson documentary is so captivating

It really got my juices flowing.
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Thank you.

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What are the most funny Flowing jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Flowing? Well, here are the best Flowing dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Flowing pick up lines to share with friends.

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