Flower Bed Jokes
18 flower bed jokes and hilarious flower bed puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about flower bed that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Flower Bed Short Jokes
Short flower bed jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The flower bed humour may include short flower garden jokes also.
- I was confused when I saw that my friend's flower bed was alive and blooming. "Didn't your poppies die last week?" I asked. "They're not poppies" he said, "They're rein-carnations".
- Most women would be happy to be woken up on their birthday with breakfast in bed, flowers and 20 minutes of great o**... s**...! But Oh no! Not my sister!
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Flower Bed One Liners
Which flower bed one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with flower bed? I can suggest the ones about planting flowers and flower petal.
- Why do flower beds have mulch? So you can't see their underplants.
Flower Bed Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about flower bed you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean flower shop jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make flower bed pranks.
World Cut Soccer
A little old Brazilian lady was walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags. One bag had a hole in it and $20 bills were flying out of it.
A policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, you're losing a lot of bills from that bag."
"Darnd!" she said, "Thanks for the warning. I'll go back and pick them up."
"Hold on there! Where'd all that money come from? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no," she said. "My yard backs up on the stadium parking lot and, during tailgate parties, a lot of guys use my flower beds as bathrooms. So I stand behind a bush with my electric hedge clipper and when one is in mid-stream, I fire up the trimmer and say: '$20 or off it comes!'"
"Wow. Good idea!" laughed the cop. "But what's in the other bag?"
"Well," said the little old lady, "not all of them pay up!"
I bought a girl flowers and she thought I expected something in return...
She said "oh, so you just expect me to go in the bedroom and lie on the bed with me legs up?"
I said " you don't have a vase?"
-Tahir Bilgic
A woman wakes up in hospital after having a v**... tuck. There are three bunches of flowers beside her bed.
One from her surgeon saying "all went well".
The second from her husband saying " I love you, get well soon".
The third was from Tommy in the burns ward saying "Thanks for the new ears .
Flowers.
A blonde and a brunette are having a conversation at work one day, when a delivery of flowers are dropped off for the brunette.
The brunette sees the flowers and appears unhappy.
"What's wrong?," asks the blonde, "I wish my husband cared enough to send me flowers for no reason!"
The brunette explains, "It means I have to go home and lay on the bed with my legs in the air for him tonight.
The blonde, surprised, asks "Why? Don't you have a vase?"
30th Anniversary
A man decides to buy flowers for his wife for their 30th wedding anniversary. He walks in the door and finds rose petals leading to the bedroom. Curious he walks in and finds his wife spread eagle on the bed in a brand new negligee. "What's all this about?" he asks. In her sexiest voice she says, "Well, I knew you would bring home flowers like you always do. This is for the flowers."
"Don't be silly," he says, "I'm sure we have a vase for these somewhere."
Three women talk about their husband's performance as lovers.
The first woman says, "My husband is a marriage counselor, so he always buys me flowers and candy before we make love."
The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and use leather sometimes."
The third woman shakes her head and says, "My husband works for an Internet company. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."
Once upon a time there was an incredible Gardener.
So the amazing thing about this gardener is that he always knows exactly how many bags of mulch he needs for a job, just by looking. Like he gets it right, every time. He’s the best. So one day, he looks at a yard he’s working on and he’s like… 18 bags. So he goes to the store, buys 18 bags of mulch and goes to work. And when he’s finished, the flower beds are amazing! Beautiful roses, beautiful lilies and beautiful orchid bushes.
But there’s one problem, he still has 1 bag of mulch left. He can’t believe it! This has never happened before. Well, the extra bag of mulch drives him crazy, because he’s THE GUY who always gets the right amount of mulch! He’s like… aaah! Extra mulch! Oh no! So… on the drive home, he throws the bag of mulch out the window, over the side of the 101 freeway.
Talking over the fence
My wife Julie was talking over the garden fence to our neighbor Betty.
"Hi Betty, how are things, how are you finding all this lock down stuff?"
"It's OK, bit strange having Jim around the house so much."
"I can imagine, I saw him coming home this morning from the store, he had a big bunch of flowers with him."
Betty went quiet, her cheeks reddening.
"What's the matter Betty, did i say something wrong?"
"No. It's just when he buys me flowers I have to go upstairs, take all my clothes off and lay on the bed with my legs open."
"Why?, don't you have any vases in your house."
Three women were talking about their husbands' performances as a lover...
Three women were talking about their husbands' performances as a lover.
The first woman said, My husband is a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candies before we make love. I like that.
The second woman said, My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kind of like that.
The third woman just shook her head and said, My husband is a policeman. He just handcuffs me the bed, tells me anything I say can be used against me, and leaves the house.
s**........
Daddy is digging in the flower bed when little seven-yr-old Alice comes running out of the house, shouting, "Daddy, what's s**...?"
He slowly drops his s**..., straightens up and draws a deep breath. "Well, darling, it's like this... " he says, and starts rather reluctantly, giving a long and careful explanation of the ins and outs of the whole thing.
After about ten minutes he asks if she has understood. She nods silently. He then asks her why she so suddenly asked this question. "Oh, Mummy said to tell you that lunch will be ready in two secs", she replies.
Microsoft-Lover
Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as lovers.
The first woman says, My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.
The second woman says, My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.
The third woman just shakes her head and says, My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it.
A woman pregnant with triplets catches three stray bullets from a drive-by shooting.
In the emergency room, a doctor tells her she and her unborn children will be fine but they could not remove the bullets. He informs her all is well and the children, two girls and a boy, will pee the bullets out in around 16 years.
So around the 16th year, the mother is in the kitchen making her morning coffee when one her daughters runs in, frantic and concerned.
"Mom! Mom! I was peeing and a bullet came out!"
Her mother tells her there's nothing to worry about and tells her the story.
Then around noon, the mother is in the garden watering some flowers when the other daughter comes outside and says
"Mom! Mom! I was peeing and a bullet came out!" The mother explains everything and goes back to watering.
That night the mother was laying in bed reading when her son burst into her room.
"Mom! Mom! I was-"
"Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?"
"No, no!" says the son, "I was jacking off and I shot the dog!"
A little old lady was walking down the street...
A little old lady was walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags.
One bag had a hole in it and $20 bills were flying out of it.
A policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, you're losing a lot of bills from that bag."
"Darnd!" she said, "Thanks for the warning. I'll go back and pick them up."
"Hold on there! Where'd all that money come from? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, heavens no!" she said.
"My yard backs up to the stadium parking lot and, during tailgate parties, a lot of guys use my flower beds as bathrooms.
So I stand behind a bush with my electric hedge clipper and when one is in mid-stream, I fire up the trimmer and say: '$20 or off it comes!'"
"Wow. Good idea!" laughed the cop. "But what's in the other bag?"
"Well," said the little old lady, "not all of them pay up!"
Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love.
The first woman said, “My husband is a psychologist, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that.”
The second woman proclaimed, “My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough, but really tunes my engine; I like that!”
The third woman replied, “Well my husband works for Microsoft and all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good it’s going to be, when I finally get it…”