... can you see Florida?
About 3 days
In all honesty though, my thoughts and good wishes go out to the people of Florida,
The police officer.
It was good, but the bill was enormous.
Two blondes are sitting on a balcony at night staring at the stars and moon. One of them asks the other, "what do you think is further, the moon or Florida?" The other responds, "hello?!?! Can you see Florida from here?!?!"
He really needs to come to terms with losing Florida.
The one says to the other, "I can't see, I can't hear anything and I can barely walk. Thank God I can still drive."
The temperature, the people, and the IQs.
Some poor sap's gonna lose a trailer.
A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
Trump tells his chief of staff to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees him staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Trump
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 21-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.
"I said I'm Donald Trump's Chief of staff, and I just killed the pig."
If the US wants to take hurricanes seriously they need to give them Muslim names. We got Irma and people don't care. But when the weatherman starts saying Abdullah is coming at Florida as a category 5, the whole country would evacuate.
Standard Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and six-million in the ashtray.
Follow-Up Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and none anywhere else because the Holocaust never happened.
Alternate Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and a family of eight hiding under the roof-rack.
Efficient Answ**e**r: Not enough, we'll need to use trains.
Anti-Joke Answ**e**r: Please tell me, myself and some Jewish friends are going to Florida but ~~cannot afford~~ are too-cheap for plane tickets.
Racist Answ**e**r: Throw a dollar in there and they'll all get in.
A fine elderly Catholic gentleman lived alone in Southwest Florida in an upscale gated community except for his beloved dog that he had for a long time.
The dog finally died and the gent went to the parish priest, saying "Father, my dear dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick told the grief stricken man "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a Baptist church down the road, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
The old fellow said "I'll go right now. Thank you Father...By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick replied
"Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."
The first Jewish president becomes elected in the United States. After a couple months in office, he decides to fly his mother up for a visit from her retirement home in Florida.
A limo arrives at the mother's door to pick her up, and she is driven to the airport where Air Force One is waiting to fly her straight to Washington DC. Another limo picks her up from the D.C. airport, taking her to the White House.
The gatekeeper at the White House, not knowing whom the guest is, exclaims to the mother, "Wow! you must know somebody very important to get special treatment like this!"
"Well of course", the mother replies, "the president is brother to my son, the Doctor!"
…left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
DEAREST WIFE,
JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
YOUR LOVING HUSBAND
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE
That is heading to Florida. This has plans to travel somewhere, but he won't give me the details.
i have no idea where this is going
A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake in Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000." the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and
I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man
and said "There's no money in that account!"
'I know, said the old man, but let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'
The further north you go the more southern it gets.
Ron an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm for several years, which had a pond in the back. It was suitable to swimming so he fixed it up nicely with picnic tables, Horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
When he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the Bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator!"
A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville, Florida, and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he goes to learn more – Can you give me some more details? he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up the file and says, The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist.
You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions,
then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $75,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles from here.
Oh, okay… is that where the job is?
No sir – that's where the end of the line is right now.
Upon the inception of Gatorade at the University of Florida, and the strides the teams were making on the field, Florida State University *also* tried to make their own energy drink for student athletes.
Unfortunately no one wanted to drink the "*Seminole Fluid*"...
Because then it would be Seminole fluid.
... To Florida. The husband gets there before his wife does and decides to send her an email. He finishes unpacking and types it out, but when he sends it, he misstypes the adress and accidentally sends it to an old lady whose husband had recently died. The old lady reads the message and faints. It said:
"Dear honey,
I have arrived at our destination. I have unpacked and everything is ready for your arrival. I miss you and expect to see you soon!
Love,
Husband
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
They sit down and strike up a conversation.
"So you moved down here after you retired. What did you do before?"
"I was in the sporting goods business. I started out selling socks from a cart. Before long I had a little store. The business grew, slowly at first, but after thirty years I owned the biggest sporting goods store for fifty miles. I wanted to slow down a little and enjoy my success, but none of the kids were interested in the business, and I had a hard time finding a buyer. Then, tragically, the store burned to the ground. Luckily, I had good insurance. It paid off more than enough to retire on, so here I am! What about you?"
"My story is much the same. I spent my life in the shoe business, until a flood wiped me out. Insurance saved me as well. I decided not to rebuild, just moved down here to relax."
"Wow, that's something. I have one question, though."
"What's that?"
"How do you start a flood?"
Two drunks were drinking on the roof of their trailer late one night in Texas. The first drunk looks up at the night sky and says to the other "The moon is so big, I been wonderin... Whad'ya think is closer, the Moon, or Florida?"
The second drunk gives his friend an amused look. "You can't be serious.." He slurs
The first drunk looks back at his friend in confused anticipation "Well?" he asks.
The second drunk then rolls his eyes and laughs. "Well.. Think about it. Can you see Florida from here?"
Apparently people from Tampa aren't called tampons.
Ron, an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm with a big pond in the backyard for several years. The pond was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and citrus trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down and check on the swimming hole, because he hadn't been to that area of the property in a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked."
Rob held the bucket up high and said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
and saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, "I miss Detroit."
So I broke the window, stole the radio, and left a note that read...
"I hope this helps."
They all got Gatorades.
Because Gatorade is a much better name than Seminole Fluid .
It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter. The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife ended up on a flight the day after her husband. The husband made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email. Unfortunately, he didn't notice he had misspelled his wife's email address In South Carolina, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who had been called to glory just a few days earlier. She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor. The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message: To My Loving Wife: I've just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Your Devoted Husband. P. S. Sure is hot down here.
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it
over, as he hadn't been there for a while.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligators."
... and were nearing a town spelled K- I -S- S- I -M -M -E -E. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it.-- KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME.
They grew more perplexed as they drove into town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into somewhere to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress, "My wife and I can't figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are, and pronounce it very slowly so that I can understand?"
The waitress looked at him and said..."Buuuurrrrggggeeeerrrr Kiiinnngggg."
A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida.
"Is it true," the tourist asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
"That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."
Isn't that crazy? Florida has a library.
-Conan Monologue June 12, 2014
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, to check it out.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "we're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked so that I could get a good look at you," holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
An African-American, a Mexican-American, Jewish-American, and a white man are walking along the beach in Florida. One of them stumbles over a lamp and as he picks it up, a genie appears. The genie thanks them from freeing him from the lamp and offers them each a wish. The African-American says, "My native land has suffered from all the people stolen away by slavery. I wish for all my people to be returned to Africa to start a new age of African success." As he finishes speaking, poof, he is gone. The Mexican-American is inspired and says, "My native land has suffered from all the people run out by the cartels and corruption. I wish for all my people to be returned to Mexico to start a new age of Mexican success." As he finishes speaking, poof, he is gone. The Jewish-American feels the same way and says, "My native land has had my people chased out for thousands of years. I wish for all my people to be returned to Israel to start a new age of Israeli success." As he finishes speaking, poof, he is gone. The white guy is clearly taken aback with all that has happened. He says, "Let me get this straight, all the black, mexicans, and jews are gone? Lemme get a diet coke."
One asks the other, "Which one do you think is closer, Florida or the Moon?"
The other blonde says, "Well duh! You can't see Florida from here."
Police warn the thieves could be armed and PMSing.
As meemum used to say, "you shouldn't look gift whores in the mouth"
Two crab lice agree to meet on the beach in Florida for Summer holidays. One already being there, the other arrives all shivering.
"Why are you shivering?" asks the first.
The second answers: "I arrived in a motorcyclist moustache... I alsmost froze to death..."
" That's stupid," says the first, "do like I do. Climb up a stewardesses leg, stay in here croch and you'll be here in no time, nice an cosy."
Next year, they meet again. The second one is shivering again, saying :
" I did what you said... I climbed up a stewardesses leg and lay down at her croch. It was so warm and cosy, I fell asleep. Once I woke up, I was in a motorcyclists moustache again..."
"Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."
-Florida
There once was a scientist who was doing research into longevity. He had a lab in Florida and was working with porpoises. He had discovered that he could extend their lifespans indefinitely by feeding them an extract made from seagulls. So each morning he would go out on the beach and hunt seagulls.
One day, when coming back from the hunt with a bunch of freshly killed seagulls he discovered that there was a lion lying across the path. But this didn't worry him as he recognized the lion and being a very old, harmless beast from the local zoo. Instead, he picked up his gulls and just stepped over the lion and continued on his way. Shortly thereafter he was arrested by the police.
The charge was "Transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.:
The doctors decided to make him some eyelids using his foreskin.
He's a little cock-eyed now, but he'll be fine.
Florida Man is the worst super hero ever.
In Florida, it's a changing room.
A young lady in New Orleans is having her 16th birthday party when she runs up to her uncle and firmly tells him: "When you gonna take me to Florida or don't you remember your promise?" Her uncle seem a little confused, and as he gazed down at her quizzically, and a twinkle in his eyes and stated- "I never said I was going to take you to Florida" The young lass, shocked he didn't remember said- " Yes you did. You said when I turn 16, you were going to Tampa with me."
"Mom, you don't sound so good. What's wrong?"
Very feebly she answers, "I haven't eaten in quite some time."
"How long has it been, Mom?"
"My last meal was 26 days ago."
"26 Days!? How come?"
"I didn't want to be caught with food in my mouth when you called."
Floridians have seen the positive effect an Orange can have on the economy.
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard--I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper
They're both really easy to buy in Florida.
They all got free swimming lessons in the comfort of their home.
They both suck for four quarters.
Everybody knows that Gatorade was first used by the University of Florida's football program, but they weren't the first Florida team to create a hydrating beverage.
But unfortunately no one wanted to buy Seminole Fluid.
Tampa Bay, Florida, Sept. 26, 2014.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player found a mysterious white powdery substance on the practice field.
Coach Lovie Smith immediately suspended practice and called in local authorities.
Forensic scientists determined the powdery substance unknown to the players was the goal line.
Practice was resumed after it was determined the players were unlikely to encounter it again any time soon.
Because they hate liberal snowflakes.
Someone's going to lose a mobile home
Walks into a Bar A man walked into a Florida bar with his crocodile and asked the bartender: "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure." "Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my crocodile."
What does NASA stand for? Need Another Seven Astronauts
What did Christa McAuliffe say before it blew up? "What does this button do?"
Where did Christa McAuliffe spend her vacation? All over Florida.
It's Roe v. Wade
Tamper Bay
When the color of the license plates start to change.
It was a Miami heat fan.
Right now Irma is signaling for a left turn.
But it's Florida so, you know, you can't really be sure whats going to happen.
No one likes to write those news about family.
A penguin was driving a truck in Florida when the truck started kinda shaking. He drops by a workshop to get it checked up. Due to the immense heat, he goes by the nearest shop to get an ice-cream while the mechanic works on his truck.
He buys some ice cream and eats it hastily because of the heat and ends up getting some if it all over his face. While he was walking back to the mechanic still eating that ice cream, the mechanic yells out loudly, "Looks like you just blew a seal."
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community.
A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench.
After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"
He replies, "I lived here years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison," he says.
"Why did they put you in prison?"
He looked at her and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."
"Oh!" exclaimed the woman. "So you're single?!"
After seeing the wild success of the University of Florida's **Gator**ade, Florida State University also wanted to get in on the sports drink industry.
Weirdly, their **"Seminole Fluid"** was not well received.
Most people know Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida for its sports program, but they were not the first Florida school to do so.
Unfortunately no one wanted to buy Seminole Fluid.
Title: TSA inspections officer
Location: Florida
Starting date: Immediately
Pay: Eventually
I guess Randall mishandled his panhandle sandal scandal.
After the 2000 Presidential elections with the multiple vote recounts in Florida, she came home and told us the funniest joke she had just heard:
Have you seen the new Texas quarter?
You count it five times!
Despite What The University of Florida Claims about Gatorade being the first sports drink Florida State Football had the first energy drink. They have been drinking Seminole Fluid for years.
Because it'd be like comparing apples and oranges.
Florida State Seminoles drink Seminole fluid.
It's the only reason their books are flying off the shelves in Florida.
The one turns to the other and says, "Look at that price tag! I tell you there's money to be made there!"
So they spend the next 4 weeks in Florida hunting crocs. They kill several, eventually running out of bullets and resorting to a knife at first, then their bare hands.
The first one turns to the other and says, "I'll tell you what, if this next croc we see doesn't have shoes on I quit."
Two Blondes living in New York are stargazing.
One looks to the other and asks "Which do you think is farther, Florida or the Moon?"
Her friend responds "You can't see Florida from here, duh."
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Florida? Well, here are the best Florida puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Florida pick up lines to share with friends.