Florida Jokes

Following is our collection of myers puns and floridian one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Florida jokes for adults, dirty orleans jokes and clean michigan dad gags for kids.

The Best Florida Puns

It's a good thing Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida as opposed to Florida State

Seminole Fluid doesn't sound quite as good.

Two blondes are walking and one asks, which is closer, the moon or Florida? And the other responds, duh...

... can you see Florida?

What's the difference between the lost city of Atlantis and Florida?

About 3 days

In all honesty though, my thoughts and good wishes go out to the people of Florida,

If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?

The police officer.

I went to this restaurant on the beach in Florida and ordered something called the Pelican Burger.

It was good, but the bill was enormous.


Two blondes in NY are sitting on a balcony at night

Two blondes are sitting on a balcony at night staring at the stars and moon. One of them asks the other, "what do you think is further, the moon or Florida?" The other responds, "hello?!?! Can you see Florida from here?!?!"

I saw Al Gore talking about rising sea levels the other day...

He really needs to come to terms with losing Florida.

Two old ladies sitting in a doctor's office in Florida...

The one says to the other, "I can't see, I can't hear anything and I can barely walk. Thank God I can still drive."

I love Florida everything is in the 80's

The temperature, the people, and the IQs.

What do a Florida hurricane, a Kansas tornado, and an Arkansas divorce have in common?

Some poor sap's gonna lose a trailer.

Wrong Email

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!


President Donald Trump and his motorcade are cruising along a country road to Florida after the government shutdown. Suddenly they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump tells his chief of staff to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees him staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you?" asked Trump

"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 21-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.

"I said I'm Donald Trump's Chief of staff, and I just killed the pig."

How to take a hurricane seriously

If the US wants to take hurricanes seriously they need to give them Muslim names. We got Irma and people don't care. But when the weatherman starts saying Abdullah is coming at Florida as a category 5, the whole country would evacuate.

Multijokes: How many Jews can you fit in a family car.

Standard Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and six-million in the ashtray.

Follow-Up Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and none anywhere else because the Holocaust never happened.

Alternate Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and a family of eight hiding under the roof-rack.

Efficient Answ**e**r: Not enough, we'll need to use trains.

Anti-Joke Answ**e**r: Please tell me, myself and some Jewish friends are going to Florida but ~~cannot afford~~ are too-cheap for plane tickets.

Racist Answ**e**r: Throw a dollar in there and they'll all get in.

A man's dog dies

A fine elderly Catholic gentleman lived alone in Southwest Florida in an upscale gated community except for his beloved dog that he had for a long time.


The dog finally died and the gent went to the parish priest, saying "Father, my dear dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"


Father Patrick told the grief stricken man "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a Baptist church down the road, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."


The old fellow said "I'll go right now. Thank you Father...By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"


Father Patrick replied
"Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."

This and That are both on summer break.

That is heading to Florida. This has plans to travel somewhere, but he won't give me the details.

i have no idea where this is going

The state of Florida is a navigational anomaly...

The further north you go the more southern it gets.

Gatorades competition.

Upon the inception of Gatorade at the University of Florida, and the strides the teams were making on the field, Florida State University *also* tried to make their own energy drink for student athletes.

Unfortunately no one wanted to drink the "*Seminole Fluid*"...

It's a good thing Gatorade was invented at the University of Florida and not Florida State University.

Because then it would be Seminole fluid.


Two blondes in Las Vegas were sitting on a bench talking at night ... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Hellooooooo, can you see Florida?"

This dude from Florida got mad at me the other day.

Apparently people from Tampa aren't called tampons.

I was in Florida recently to visit a good friend...

and saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, "I miss Detroit."

So I broke the window, stole the radio, and left a note that read...

"I hope this helps."

So I just heard there is a disease killing off the Alligator population in Florida.

They all got Gatorades.

It's a good thing the popular sports drink was invented at Florida instead of Florida State...

Because Gatorade is a much better name than Seminole Fluid .

Carry A Flashlight

A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida.

"Is it true," the tourist asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"

"That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."

In Florida, a couple has been accused of making meth in a public library.

Isn't that crazy? Florida has a library.

-Conan Monologue June 12, 2014

Everything in Florida is in the 80s

The Temperature, the Humidity, the Average Age, and the IQ.

(Real news) In Florida, a truck filled with $120,000-worth of chocolate was stolen.

Police warn the thieves could be armed and PMSing.

Two blondes talking to each other...

One asks the other, "Which one do you think is closer, Florida or the Moon?"

The other blonde says, "Well duh! You can't see Florida from here."

Florida man fires gun at a retail store.

It was target.

Florida man contracts herpes while checking his birthday prostitute's mouth for sores

As meemum used to say, "you shouldn't look gift whores in the mouth"

I was bitten by a Great White at a Florida beach.

I mean, he used the phrase "Aryan Superior," but either way that was one coked-out skinhead.

A man called his mother in Florida.

"Mom, how are you?"

"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son said, "Why are you so weak?"

She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."

Judging from everything I've seen in the news...

Florida Man is the worst super hero ever.

"Where are my keys?"

-Florida

A Florida boy was born with no eyelids...

The doctors decided to make him some eyelids using his foreskin.

He's a little cock-eyed now, but he'll be fine.

In 49 states in America, a crab shack is a restaurant.

In Florida, it's a changing room.

Children in florida during the hurricanes,

They all got free swimming lessons in the comfort of their home.

What do Marco Rubio and an AR-15 have in common?

They're both really easy to buy in Florida.

Two blondes are driving to Miami for spring break

On a long boring stretch of highway they start complaining about how long it's taking to get there and the driver asks "What do you think is further away, Florida or the moon?" The passenger replies "Oh my God, you give blondes such a bad name. I can't believe how stupid you are, you can't even see Florida from here!"

A New Yorker calls his mother who lives in Florida. She answers the phone with a very weak-sounding voice.

"Mom, you don't sound so good. What's wrong?"

Very feebly she answers, "I haven't eaten in quite some time."

"How long has it been, Mom?"

"My last meal was 26 days ago."

"26 Days!? How come?"

"I didn't want to be caught with food in my mouth when you called."

Why did Donald Trump win Florida in the Presidential Election?

Floridians have seen the positive effect an Orange can have on the economy.

What does the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader have in common?

They both suck for four quarters.

Gatorade

Everybody knows that Gatorade was first used by the University of Florida's football program, but they weren't the first Florida team to create a hydrating beverage.

But unfortunately no one wanted to buy Seminole Fluid.

Why do a lot of old people move to Florida?

Because they hate liberal snowflakes.

Offensive Challenger Jokes

What does NASA stand for? Need Another Seven Astronauts

What did Christa McAuliffe say before it blew up? "What does this button do?"

Where did Christa McAuliffe spend her vacation? All over Florida.

Walks into a Bar

Walks into a Bar A man walked into a Florida bar with his crocodile and asked the bartender: "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure." "Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my crocodile."

Did you hear about the debate between Houston and Florida?

It's Roe v. Wade

What do a hurricane in North Florida, a tornado in Oklahoma, and a divorce in East Texas have in common?

Someone's going to lose a mobile home

WNBA announces plan to play abbreviated 22-game season in Florida beginning in late July without fans in attendance.

Come on. Do I even have to type the punchline for this one?

How Can You Tell It's Fall In Florida?

When the color of the license plates start to change.

Florida Retirement Community...

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community.

A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench.

After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"

He replies, "I lived here years ago."

"So, where were you all these years?"

"In prison," he says.

"Why did they put you in prison?"

He looked at her and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."

"Oh!" exclaimed the woman. "So you're single?!"

Why you only hear about the Florida man and not the Alabama man.

No one likes to write those news about family.

How many Florida men do you need before you can make change for a dollar?

You can't. Nobody in Florida has any cents.

Hurricane Irma

Right now Irma is signaling for a left turn.


But it's Florida so, you know, you can't really be sure whats going to happen.

A case of a deadly, brain-eating amoeba has been confirmed in Florida.

Poor thing will starve down there.

Did you hear about the new Roller Coaster at Disney World Florida?

It's called the Coronacoaster. It just keeps going up and up until everyone on it dies.

What's it called when someone messes with unpurchased product in central Florida?

Tamper Bay

Did you hear about that giant cooling device in Florida?

It was a Miami heat fan.

Job offered: joined the exciting field of TSA

Title: TSA inspections officer

Location: Florida

Starting date: Immediately

Pay: Eventually

Gatorade

After seeing the wild success of the University of Florida's **Gator**ade, Florida State University also wanted to get in on the sports drink industry.

Weirdly, their **"Seminole Fluid"** was not well received.

Gatorade

Most people know Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida for its sports program, but they were not the first Florida school to do so.

Unfortunately no one wanted to buy Seminole Fluid.

Florida lawmaker Randall Thompson is forced to resign after it is revealed he spent taxpayer money on expensive footwear for his wife.

I guess Randall mishandled his panhandle sandal scandal.

Nobody's happier about hurricane Irma than Hillary Clinton and Al Gore

It's the only reason their books are flying off the shelves in Florida.

Florida and the Moon

Two Blondes living in New York are stargazing.
One looks to the other and asks "Which do you think is farther, Florida or the Moon?"
Her friend responds "You can't see Florida from here, duh."

My mother-in-law can murder any joke.

After the 2000 Presidential elections with the multiple vote recounts in Florida, she came home and told us the funniest joke she had just heard:

Have you seen the new Texas quarter?



You count it five times!

Florida Gators drink Gatorade

Florida State Seminoles drink Seminole fluid.

The Original sports drink.

Despite What The University of Florida Claims about Gatorade being the first sports drink Florida State Football had the first energy drink. They have been drinking Seminole Fluid for years.

A couple of unemployed tough guys see a pair of crocodile shoes in a store window.

The one turns to the other and says, "Look at that price tag! I tell you there's money to be made there!"

So they spend the next 4 weeks in Florida hunting crocs. They kill several, eventually running out of bullets and resorting to a knife at first, then their bare hands.

The first one turns to the other and says, "I'll tell you what, if this next croc we see doesn't have shoes on I quit."

a mexican was kidnapped and taken to one of the florida keys as prisoner, one day he found a phone and was able to contact the authorities, when asked where he was, he said:

Akey

Why can't you compare Washington State and Florida?

Because it'd be like comparing apples and oranges.

Honesty Is Not Always the Best Policy (real news)

A Florida man arrested for speeding and DUI admitted to police that prior to getting in his car he'd been drinking beer and watching "The Fast & the Furious." Although, he admitted his favorite movie is "Dumb and Dumber."

Why do they call old people 'frogs' in Florida?

'Cause they all go there to croak!

What do University of Miami, Florida State, and University of Florida football fans have in common?

None attended the University of Miami.

How does a Florida State grad know sex is over?

The director says Cut!

Ex who lives in Florida

called and asked if she and her kids could come North and stay with me until the hurricane passes.


I said "Well, your dog can."

Did you hear about the people in Florida with no ears?

Neither did they.

What do you call a turn signal in Florida ?

No one knows , they don't exist

Florida

The further north you go the more south it gets

I have a friend in Florida who likes to brag a lot...

She says she's always hot.

There is an abundance of houston jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 80 funniest jokes and florida puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any gators witze you can hear about florida.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes