Floor Jokes
175 floor jokes and hilarious floor puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about floor that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Make your friends laugh with hilarious jokes about floors. This article covers everything from wet wood floors to dance floors, pelvis floors and everything in between! Read on to find out the funniest and most creative jokes you can use to lighten the mood and bring a smile to everyone's face.
Quick Jump To
- Short Floor Jokes
- Floor One Liners
- Dance Floor Jokes
- Wet Floor Jokes
- Laugh Floor Jokes
- Sleeping On The Floor Jokes
- More Floor Jokes
Funniest Floor Short Jokes
Short floor jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The floor humour may include short rooms jokes also.
- Wife: Do men wipe after they pee? Aging husband: Yes. Wipe the floor, wipe the rim, wipe the wall…..
- Boss: You're 4 hours late! What's the matter? Employee: I fell from the 2nd floor this morning.
Boss: That's 20 feet tall! It shouldn't take you more than 5 seconds! - Told by a 7 year old boy: How do you drop on an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it. concrete floors are really hard to crack.
Then he said "you were thinking about the egg weren't you!" - My chemistry teacher told me I had to write a 1,000 word essay on acid. Unfortunately, my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.
- What did the Russian billionaire say when checking in at a hotel? I'd like a room on the first floor, please.
- How to fall down the stairs Step 1.
Step 2.
Step 3.
Step 6.
Step 11.
Step 16.
Floor. - I'm sick of tired of people soaking my floor with their wet umbrellas when they come over to visit. I think it's time to make a stand.
- My Grandfather built me a car entirely out of wood It had wooden seats, wooden doors, wooden steering wheel, wooden floors and a wooden engine. Unfortunately when I tried to start it, it wooden work.
- If a wealthy ancient Roman had a private bathroom on the sixth floor of his home... ...did that make it a VI P room?
- Interviewer : "Just imagine you're in the 20th floor of a building and it's on fire. How will you escape?" "It's simple.. I will just stop my imagination."
Share These Floor Jokes With Friends
Floor One Liners
Which floor one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with floor? I can suggest the ones about tile and wall.
- How to Fall Down the Stairs Step 1
Step 2
Step 5
Step 9
Step 12
Floor - My phone fell from the 20th floor, good thing it was in airplane mode.
- What's the highest story of any building? Floor 20
- ''The Floor is lava'' ~ Everyone, Pompeii, 79 A.D.
- Today I learned that "Wet Floor" signs… …are not a request…
- What classic game do Hawaiian kids love the most? The floor is lava.
- I wonder if tap dancers.... Look at a floor and think "I'd tap that"
- My boyfriend is like the forest floor Nuts and leaves
- Was kicked out of Walmart today. When I walked in I saw a "Wet Floor" sign. So I did.
- Books all over the floor..... but I have only my shelf to blame.
- Yo mama so fat it's hilarious I'm not laughing but the floor is cracking up
- Why is the bathroom floor always wet on the Starkiller base. Stormtroopers always miss.
- I dropped my Nokia today. Now I'm upset because I have to replace my floor.
- I got into a one-sided fight with a mop Wiped the floor with it.
- What do you call a quadriplegic laying on the floor? Matt.
Dance Floor Jokes
Here is a list of funny dance floor jokes and even better dance floor puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I got so drunk last night I got so drunk last night I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest.
- Why did the snowman enroll in a dance class on the winter solstice? It wanted to "break the ice" on the dance floor.
- Why did the snowflake refuse to dance at the winter solstice ball? It didn't want to "flake" out on the floor.
- What do you call a white person having a seizure on the dance floor? An improvement.
- I had a fish that could break dance on the floor... But only for like 30 seconds...and only once.
- I walked into a disco, and there were Orcs, Trolls, and Nazgûl doing their best moves. It was Mordor on the dance floor.
- Why did Jesus leave the dance floor? Because it was Hammertime'
- I was so drunk in the club last night that when I walked across the dance floor to get another drink, I won the dance competition
- Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, i wonder how we're supposed to imitate them on the dance floor?
- An old robot tries to impress his friends by showing off his moves on the dance floor. Unfortunately, his dancing impresses no one. Turns out he's a bit rusty.
Wet Floor Jokes
Here is a list of funny wet floor jokes and even better wet floor puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did Janis Joplin say when somebody stole her wet floor sign? Take it. Take another little piso mojado, baby.
- Got kicked out of Barnes and Noble for moving the "Caution Wet Floor" sign to the Fifty Shades of Gray aisle.
- I tripped on a "slippery when wet" sign today. I was floored by the irony.
- I was mopping and my boss asked why the floors were all covered in water "Just gettin' her wet first. You know, a little floor-play"
- There was a tornado, so I tossed a 'Wet Floor' sign out the front door. Talk about throwing caution to the wind!
- I like my women like I like my water Wet and slippery on the floor.
- So, putting a "caution wet floor" sign down before delivering my best pick up line is frowned upon....
- A cop tells his sergeant, "Wow, a woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped" "Oh, so you have arrested her then?" The sergeant asked.
"No, not yet. The floor is still wet." - Q: Why did the blonde pee on the ground?
A: Because she saw a sign that said 'Wet Floor.' - Yo' Mama is so s**..., she saw a "Wet Floor" sign and did what it said.
Laugh Floor Jokes
Here is a list of funny laugh floor jokes and even better laugh floor puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A joke about Germans - I´m German and i was rolling on the floor laughing about it Q: Why do they bury Germans 20 meters underground?
A: Because deep down they are really nice. - Yo momma so fat.. Yo momma so fat, when she fell, the only one laughing at her was the floor, because it was cracking up.
- What do you do when you see a black man lying on the floor? You stop laughing and shoot him again.
- Son: "Mom, the kids are laughing at me, they say my teeth are too long Mother: Oh shush, now you've scratched the whole floor again!
- How do Arabs laugh? Rolex on the floor laughing
- My pet hyena s**... on my floor, so I s**... on his bed Look who's laughing now
Sleeping On The Floor Jokes
Here is a list of funny sleeping on the floor jokes and even better sleeping on the floor puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A couple went to bed. The woman wanted to sleep on the floor. Her husband asked why.
She said "I want something hard for a change." - Man walks into a bar with a giraffe The giraffe goes to sleep on the floor. The bartender says, "Aye, what's that lyin' there?" The man says, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe!"
- Restrooms. Why are they called "restrooms" if I'm not even allowed to sleep on the floor?
- I was driving along when I saw two hitchhikers. I stopped beside them and said, "Want me to take you home?"
They said, "Yes, please!"
I said, "OK, but you'll have to sleep on my floor." - My wife was arguing that women are naturally more compassionate and selfless creatures. I asked her to show me proof. So she ordered me to sleep on the floor.
- Giraffe walks into a bar, has a drink, then lies down on the floor to sleep Guy walks in and says - "what's that lyin' there?"
Bartender says "that's not a lion, it's a giraffe" - Where do Floridians sleep? On the floor, duh!
- So I used to sleep on my carpet... I'd have to say, it was a pretty flooring experience.
Unearthly Funniest Floor Jokes to Tickle Your Sides
What funny jokes about floor you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean stairs jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make floor pranks.
I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son"
"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."
He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.
He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying yeah this isn't really for me, I'm not having 67 more of those in my face
Every day, I take the elevator to get to my office.
My office is on the 12th floor, so I always take the elevator up to the 11th floor. I would take the elevator straight to the 12th floor, but that's another story.
It's a miracle!
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"
So there's a little guy sitting at a bar....(heard this years ago, hope it isn't a repost)
...when a much larger, muscular guy walks in who seems to have a chip on his shoulder. The big guy sits down next to the little guy and orders a beer, after a bit the big guy jumps up and completely out of nowhere punches the little guy, knocking him to the floor. "That's boxing, from Las Vegas."
The little guy picks himself up off the floor, dusts himself off, gets back on his stool and just quietly goes back to his drink. The big guy also sits back down, but after a few minutes he gets back up and kicks the little guy who slides all the way to the end of the bar. "That's karate, from Japan."
Again, the little fellow just quietly gets up, goes back to his seat, and resumes drinking. A few more minutes go by and the big fella gets up a third time, grabs the little dude, and throws him right into the door of the bar. "That's kung fu, from China."
This time, however, the little guy gets up and just walks out. After some time he walks back in, right up behind the big guy, and cracks him over the head, laying him unconscious in the floor. The little guy looks at the bartender and says "You tell that s**... when he wakes up that that was crowbar, from Sears and Roebuck."
I heard the titanic got a new job...
She sells sea shells down by the sea floor.
I hear it's a pretty high pressure job.
A man and woman live in a two story house.
A man and woman live in a two story house and sleep on the second floor. At 3 a.m. they're awakened by a knock at the front door. The man goes to the window, opens it and looks down but can't see anyone.
"Who's out there?" he asks.
A voice says, "Please help me. I need a push."
"I'm sorry," the man says. "I'm not leaving my house at this hour."
He gets back into bed. His wife says, "Honey, don't you remember when our daughters were stuck in that bad part of Oakland at 3 in the morning, and if that stranger didn't give them a jumpstart, they would been there for hours?"
"Yeah, you're right," the man says. He gets out of bed and returns to the window. "Are you still down there?" he asks.
"Yes."
"Do you still need that push?"
"Yes."
"Where are you?" the man asks.
"I'm over here on your swings."
Q: How can u drop an egg onto a concrete floor without breaking it?
A: Any way you want, concrete floors tend to be very hard to crack.
For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.
Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.
I try to tell this joke in english :]
There's a young boy, with no arms, nor legs called Lumpi.
Lumpi plays in front of his house in the sandbox, then a window opens on the 4th floor and Lumpi's mother yells at him "Lumpi time to eat!" and she throws down a rope.
As Lumpi sees the rope hanging out of his window, he starts to rob to the rope and bite's it! He trained hard to hold himself on the rope with his teeth. Lumpi is very hungry and starts to pull himself up only with his teeth. Lumpi pulls and pulls, he's on the 1st floor, the window opens and a young Lady smiles at him, Lumpi smiles back, then pulls again...and again, 2nd floor the window opens and an old man sees him and waves at him, Lumpi shakes his head to greet back, then he start's to pull himself up again. Lumpi, all sweaty and hungry now on the the 3rd floor, near his own window on the 4th floor. The window on the 3rd floor opens and a Lady sees him, then she says "Hi Lumpi! What are you going to eat now?" and Lumpi replies " Pizaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!...."
Sry for my bad english, I just tried to tell a joke in english that I know in my own language. :)
I was going to cover my bathroom floor with dead baby skin...
My wife told be that would be infant tile.
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe...
And says," Bartender! Get me a beer and one for my Giraffe as well!" so the two stand around drinking for hours until the Giraffe passes out on the floor. The man pays for him and the Giraffe and starts to leave when the bartender says," Hey! You can't leave that lyin' on the floor!" The man replies," That's not a lion, it's a Giraffe."
A factory owner is trying to come up with innovative ideas to save money and therefor save his business from going under.
The owner calls a meeting with all of his 200 employees out on the plant floor.
"Ok everyone, we are in deep trouble. I will give $2000 dollars to the first person that comes to me with a cost saving idea."
Immediately a guy in the front row shoots up his hand.
Owner says "Yes, Barry. That was fast, what's your cost saving plan?"
Barry says "make it $1000".
Teddy Bears
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The woman says, "You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf."
A man with a wooden eye is at a dance..
During a slow dance, he can't find a partner to dance with him. He sees from the opposite side of the dance floor a girl with a large nose. Seeing that she is also without a dance partner, he makes his move.
He approaches her and is frank with her, asking "Would you dance with me?"
Filled with excitement, she yells "Would I?!"
Without missing a beat, the man retorts: "BIG NOSE BIG NOSE BIG NOSE!!!"
At my friend's house, her dad told us these jokes called "Mama mama jokes." I expected old fashioned "Yo' mama" jokes. I got these.
Mama, Mama, I don't like little brother!
Shut up and eat what you're told.
Mama, Mama, I don't want to go to Hawaii!
Shut up and keep swimming.
Mama, Mama, I don't like going in circles!
Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!
Honestly, I'm scarred.
the three legged pig joke reminded me of a joke my dad once told me
a scientist was doing an experiment on a frog in his lab, he placed the frog down on the floor and said "Frog jump!". the frog jumped 4 feet and so he noted in his notebook
"frog with 4 legs, jumps 4 feet"
he then cut off one of the frogs legs and again said "Frog jump!". the frog jumped only 3 feet this time and so he noted in his notebook
"frog with 3 legs, jumps 3 feet"
he cut off a 2nd leg and said "Frog jump!". this time the frog only jumped 2 feet and so he noted
"frog with 2 legs, jumps 2 feet"
he then cut off a 3rd leg and again said "Frog jump!". the frog only jumped a foot and so he noted
"frog with 1 leg, jumps 1 foot"
the scientist then cut off the frogs last remaining leg and said "Frog jump!, Frog jump!, FROG JUMP!!!!!" but the frog did not move. so he noted
"frog with 0 legs, deaf"
Two drunks are crawling on the railroad.
One says "I'm tired of climbing this ladder, when's our floor already?"
"No worries, I see an elevator coming."
Stalin and Roosevelt were arguing over whose bodyguards were more loyal...
...and ordered them to jump out of the window on the fifteenth floor. Roosevelt's bodyguard flatly refused to jump, saying "I'm thinking about the future of my family." Stalin's bodyguard, however, jumped out of the window and fell to his death. Roosevelt was taken aback.
"Tell me, why did your man do that?" he asked.
Stalin lit his pipe and replied:
"He was thinking about the future of his family, too."
My cat freaked out when I told him he was adopted.
Granted, I spelled it out on the floor with a laser pointer.
A man lives on the 15th floor of an apartment.
One rainy Saturday afternoon he walks out onto his balcony and sticks his hand out over the edge to see if it's raining or not, and a glass eye falls into his hand. He looks up, and there is a gorgeous woman standing on the balcony above him, who apologises and says she was just leaning out to check the rain and her glass eye fell out. She asks him to bring it up the stairs to her, which he does immediately. To say thanks, she kisses him on the mouth. Mildly surprised, he asks, "Do you do that to every guy you meet?"
And she replies, "Only the ones that catch my eye."
A cops calls for backup from a crime scene
This is officer John, please send backup, a woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.
Have you arrested the woman?
No Sir, the floor is still wet.
Two policemen . . .
Two policemen call the station on their radio.
"Hello. ..... Is this the Sarge?"
"Yes?"
"We have a case here, Sarge. A woman has shot her husband
dead for stepping on the floor she had mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."
Police talking on the radio...
* Sergeant, we've arrived at the scene.
* So, what's the situation?
* A woman killed her husband. There were 35 stab wounds, two gunshot wounds, and after decapitating him, she finally burned his body.
* Wow, what was the reason she gave for the crime?
* He stepped where she was cleaning the floor.
* Did you manage to capture the woman?
* No, Sergeant. We are waiting for the floor to dry ...
A man enters an elevator, and the operator asks him what floor he wants.
The man says "Eighteenth floor." After arriving, the doors open and the operator says "We are here, my son."
The man says "Thanks, but why did you call me your son?"
The operator replies "Because I have brought you up."
Husband and wife go to a club
They notice a guy on the dance floor giving everyone a show. He's breakdancing, moon walking and even throwing in a few backflips. The wife turns to the husband and says, "see that guy on the dance floor? He proposed to be 25 years ago and I turned him down!"
Husband says "Yeah looks like he's still celebrating!"
A doctor checks on two roommates in an insane asylum...
He walks into their room to find one man hanging upside down from the ceiling fan by his feet. The other man sits below him, putting together wooden blocks.
The doctor asks, "How are you two doing?"
The man on the floor says, "Oh, I'm building a castle. Don't mind that guy up there, he's okay but a little crazy, thinks he's a lightbulb."
"Well, let's get him down before he hurts himself."
The sitting man stares back in shock. "And work in the *dark*?!"
A blonde and a brunette are on an elevator...
And a short man with dandruff gets on and then comes off on the next floor.
The brunette goes, "Wow, that guy could really use some Head and Shoulders."
The blonde says, "How do you give shoulders?"
No offense anyone...hehe
My mother always said, "Pick your clothes up off the floor, I'm not your maid."
When I went to college the dorm had a maid who told us, "Pick your clothes up off the floor, I'm not your mother."
What do you get when you push a piano out of the second floor window of an elementary school?
A flat minor.
What's the difference between someone falling from 21st floor and 1st floor?
21st floor person goes: AHHHHHHHHHH *thump*
1st floor goes: *thump* AHHHHHHHHHH
Two hunters are strolling through the woods ...
When suddenly, one of them gasps, grabs hit chest, and collapses on the floor, eyes open and non-responsive.
In a panic, the other hunter dials 911: "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?!"
"Sir, please calm down. First of all, lets make sure he's dead"
There is a silence, and then a gunshot is heard
"Okay, so now what?"
A Dutch and a Belgian are sitting in a bar, watching the evening news.
They see a woman ready to jump from the 6th floor, shouting "I'm going to jump, I'm going to jump!". The Dutch says: "I bet she's gonna jump." The Belgian replies: "And I bet she won't." So they bet, and the woman jumps. Then the Dutch tells the Belgian: "I have to confess that I cheated, as I already saw it on the 1pm news." - "Me too", says the Belgian, "I saw it on the 1pm news already. But I did not think that she would be s**... enough to jump twice."
What's the difference between a man who falls off a building from the 20th floor, and a man who falls off a building from the 2nd floor?
The man from the 20th floor goes:
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!" *thud*
While the man from the 2nd floor goes:
*thud* "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!"
My daughter was whining about her chores.
She asked if she needed to vacuum the whole apartment.
I said, "no, just do the floor."
2 men are robbing an apartment...
...when they hear sirens outside the building.
"We need to jump!" says the first man.
The second man replies "But we're on the 13th floor!"
"This is no time to be superstitious!" exclaims the first man.
I lost my watch at a party.
After some intensive searching through the crowd, I spotted it lying on the floor. There was a guy standing on it. When I looked up, I saw the guy harassing a girl, touching her at all the wrong places. She obviously didn't approve. So I walked over there and punched this guy in the face. Nobody treats girls like that. Not on my watch.
Had a house party last night
...and there's always one left over! Laid on the floor in the corner, still that drunk? He couldn't even stand! Asked him where he lived, then dragged him down the driveway to my car, his legs all over the place, picked him up, threw him inside, & took him home. Dragged him up to his house & knocked on his front door, "I've brought your son home."
His mother replied, "Where is his wheel chair?"
From how high can you drop an egg onto a concrete floor without breaking it?
Higher than you would think, the structural integrity of a well laid concrete floor renders it virtually indestructible towards an incoming egg, even at terminal velocity.
A paranoid man stays at a hotel,
As per habit, he checks every inch of his hotel room looking for mics, cameras or any surveillance device.
Sure enough, right in the centre of the room, under the bed, under the carpet is a small, black metal object firmly bolted to the floor.
He takes out his equipment, detaches the metal object & throws it out the window.
The next morning the hotel manager knocks on his door & asks him,
"Good morning sir, did you have any problems last night?"
"Not at all" the man answered, "why do you ask?"
"Well, it's very strange" said the manager, "but in the room directly below yours, the chandelier suddenly fell down in the middle of the night".
A state trooper pulls over a priest
A state trooper pulls over a priest. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
A man and a Giraffe walk into a bar.
The Giraffe gets drunk and falls on the floor unconscious.
The bartender says "you can't leave that lyin' there."
The man says "its not a Lion, its a Giraffe"
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station...
"I have an interesting case here," he said. "A woman just shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
"Have you arrested her?" asks the sergeant,
"No, not yet. The floors still wet."
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floor?
It was just a stage he was going through.
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
2 year old son spits on the floor.
Wife: We don't spit. If it's in your mouth you s**... it.
Husband raises eyebrows.
Wife: You shut up!
A Mexican lying on his death bed
The sick Mexican was lying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when suddenly he smelled tamales. He loved tamales more than anything else in the world, especially his wife's tamales.
With every last bit of energy left in his body, the sick Mexican pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, down the hall, and into the kitchen. He saw that his wife was removing a fresh batch of tamales from the stove top. As he reached for one of the freshly made tamales, his wife smacked him in with a wooden spoon.
"Leave them alone, c**..., they're for the f**...."
"Don't jump!"
One day, a man decided he'd had enough of his life, and went to the balcony of the 30th floor of his office building. He stepped onto the ledge and shouted "I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna jump!"
A physics professor passing by heard the commotion and looked up. He shouted back to the man "Don't do it! Don't jump! You've got so much potential!"
Husband takes his wife to a disco.
Husband takes his wife to a disco. There's a guy on the dance floor dancing like a king –moonwalking, break dancing, head spins, the works. The wife turns to her husband and sighs: "You see that man? 25 years ago he asked me to marry him and I said no."
Husband says: "Yep, it looks like he's still celebrating!!"
Einstein, Newton and Pascal...
... were playing hide and seek. Einstein started counting so Pascal ran off to hide, but Newton simply drew a square on the floor and stepped in it. Einstein shouted "Ha, found you!", to which Newton simply replied "Nope, 1 Newton per square metre, you found Pascal!"
A Pope and a lawyer meet by the Pearly Gates.
A Lawyer and the Pope died at the same time, both went to heaven.
They were met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter who conducted them to their rooms.
The Pope's room was spartan with bare floor, army cot for a bed, and a single bulb for light.
They came to the Lawyer's room.
It was huge with wall to wall carpeting, king sized water bed, indirect lighting, color TV, stereo, Jacuzzi and fully stocked bar.
The Lawyer said, "There must be a mistake. This must be the Pope's room!"
St Peter said, "There's no mistake. This is your room. We have lots of Pope's, but you're our very first Lawyer!"
Men are like floor tiles...
Lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for years.
A man gets hit by a train and loses his legs
A man loses his legs in a train accident
and when hes rushed to hospital
the only available transplant are a child's
so he gets the surgery
and when he wakes up he falls to the floor in pain
the nurse runs up and says
'sir is it your legs'
and the man goes
'no'
'its my kidneys'
A man on the floor in a factory stands, not doing any work.
A man on the floor in a factory stands, not doing any work.
CEO comes up and asks his salary.
The man replies - $1000
The CEO pulls out his wallet, gives the man $1,000 and says - here's your month salary. I pay people to work here. Get out and never come back !
The man leaves.
The CEO asks workers - who was this guy ?
They reply - a pizza delivery man.
I woke up to find my wife lying unconscious on the kitchen floor..
At first I panicked, then remembered that McDonalds does all day breakfast.
Sometimes I squat on the floor and put my arms around my knees and lean forward
because that's how I roll
The new tenants
Landlord: How are the new tenants above you.
Renter: They are ok. But it sounds like they are bang on the floor every night at 1 in the morning.
Landlord: That is outrageous. I will talk to them at once.
Renter: No. It is really not that big of a deal. I am usually up then practising my trumpet.
So there was a tribal chief who decided he needed the biggest hut in the village...
so he gathered the grass he needed and built the only two story hut in the village. He placed his throne on the second story and held audiences there. One night while he slept the throne fell through the floor and crushed his head. The moral of this story is that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
A father has two sons named Joe and Mikey and the live on the third floor of their apartment.
One day the father goes to store, but leaves the key to his car in the apartment. He see's Joe in the window and shouts to him, "throw my key out the window!"
Sadly, Mikey didn't survive the fall
Math hole told to me 20 years ago by a professor
What's the difference between a physicist and mathematician?
There's a p**... of water on the table and both the physicist and mathematician are asked to boil it. The physicist picks it up, puts it on the range, and lights the burner. The mathematicians picked it up, puts it on the range, and lights the burner.
Next the p**... is placed on the floor with the same instructions. The physicist once again picks it up, places it on the range, and lights the burner. The mathematician picks it up and puts it on the table, thus reducing it to a problem that's already been solved.
My dad just called a family meeting.
Me, mum, my two brothers, my sister and grandma hurried into the living room and gathered round an IKEA box laying on the floor.
"Dad, it's some flat pack furniture, what do you need the whole family for?" I asked.
"Well, it must be these strange Swedish customs", he replies, "It says assembly required".
A guy takes his wife out for the night and they end up at a disco where there's a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, every dance move going...
The wife turns to her husband and says, See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.
The husband replies, It looks like he's still celebrating.
I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe...
I don't care how big a spider is, no-one steals my shoe...
Two police officers walk into a crime scene.
They see two people lying dead on the floor. The victims are holding a piece of w**... each. Their eyes are red and their skin is dry.
One officer turns to the other and says: "Looks like a joint s**...."
So I was showing my friends the first floor of my house
When one of them said "What's upstairs?"
I told him that the stairs don't talk.
"Mom, before I was born did you want a boy or a girl?"
"I wanted to pickup a fork that fell on the kitchen floor..."
Three priests gathered together for a drink .
During their get together ,the host ask the other two :
- How do you split your money with the Lord ?
"I draw a line on the floor in my church ,then ,i throw the money in the air ,whatever is on my side I get to keep ,whatever falls on his side he keeps it" sais the first priest.
The second one replies "well I draw circle and then I' throw the money in the air ,whatever falls inside the circle is mine ,whatever Falls outside the circle is His" .
"How do you split your money ?" they both ask the host priest.
I' just throw the money in the air and he keeps whatever he wants.
Sometimes, I will squat to the floor, hug my legs, and lean forward.
That's just how I roll.
