flood Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious flood puns

Two retired business men sitting on a beach.

Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.

John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.

Mike is silent for a while then he asks John, "How do you start a flood?"

👍🏼

About 4,000 years ago:

God: I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!

Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note*

God: Correction, I shall create a great flood!

👍🏼

A woman and her neighbor are on her roof in Houston waiting for rescue

While they're waiting, the neighbor notices a baseball cap floating through the flood waters. Suddenly, to her surprise, the baseball cap turns around and starts floating the other way. After going some ways, it turns around and floats back again. She observes this going on for some time, back and forth in a pattern, until she decides to point it out.
"Do you see that baseball cap? Isn't that the strangest thing you've ever seen?"
"Oh, that?" replies the woman. "That's my husband. I told him he's mowing the lawn today come hell or high water."

👍🏼

3 men are lined up for the firing squad...

...and they will be shot in public. The first guy, not willing to die, thought of a great way to trick the squad. Just as the guns were raised to shoot him, the guy pointed behind the squad and shouted, "Avalanche!" The firing squad was tricked, and as they looked behind them, the guy ran away. The second guy decided to try the same trick himself. So as the guns were raised again, he pointed behind the squad, shouting, "Flood!" Again, the squad fell for it, and as they looked behind them, the second guy ran away. The third guy was utterly impressed by what the first two guys did to save themselves, so he decided to try out the trick himself. As the guns were raised once more to shoot him, the third guy shouted out, **"Fire!"**

👍🏼

Insurance

A lawyer and an engineer were discussing insurance.

"You need fire insurance, burglary insurance and flood insurance." says the engineer.

"The fire and theft and burglary I can understand," said the lawyer,
"but the flood insurance? How do you start a flood?"

👍🏼

Two men are waiting for appointments with their insurance claims adjuster.

They chat and learn they have a common bond. The first one says "My restaurant was wiped out by a fire, everything inside was wrecked."

The second one says "Mine was taken out by a flood, total loss too."

The first one thinks a bit then asks "How do you start a flood?"

👍🏼

A Religious Joke From a Non-Religious Reditor

A flood occurs in a small town. A man climbs on top of his house to avoid the rising waters. A boat sails up to the house and offers the stranded man a ride. The man refuses saying, "No thanks, God will save me," and the boat leaves.
Then, a large ship comes along and offers the man help. Once more, the man says, "No thank you, I am waiting for God to help me," and the ship leaves.
Finally a helicopter flies overhead and offers to give the man a lift, and, one last time, the man passes, replying, "The good Lord will surely rescue me," and the chopper flies away.
Eventually the man drowns when the flood waters rise above his roof.
Once in heaven the man asks God, "What was up with that? Why'd you leave me hanging like that? Why didn't you save me? I was good, I went to church, I confessed all my sins, and followed the bible, why wasn't I rescued?"

God replies,"What are you talking about? I sent two boats and a helicopter!"

👍🏼

How Do You Start a Flood?

An engineer and an attorney were fishing in the Caribbean.

The attorney said, I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood and my insurance company also paid for everything.

The puzzled attorney asked, How do you start a flood?

👍🏼

In light of some recent idiotic questioning by reporters

A man is interviewed after his wife was swept away in a flood. The reporter asks "Were you close with your wife?" He responds, "No, we drifted apart recently."

👍🏼

Three guys are fishing in the Carribean.

One guy says, I had a terrible fire and lost everything. Now the insurance is paying for everything, and that's why I am here.

The second guy says, I had a terrible explosion. I lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I am here.

The third guy says, What a coincidence! I had a terrible flood; I lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here!

The other two guys turn to him with confusion and ask, Flood? How do you start a flood?

👍🏼

A joke I've known since primary school.


A huge flood occured one day, and an entire town is swallowed up by the water.


A man driving a boat comes by a man that's trying to stay afloat.


**"Quick, get on my boat!",** he said.


The semi-drowning man replies that God will send him help and save him. And so the man left.


Another man comes by a boat and yell's at the man, "**Hey!** ^~~Listen!~~ **Get on my boat!"**


Once again, the man replies that God will send him help and save him.



And so the man left, and with that, the man drowns.



Upon death, the man wakes up in Heaven to see God.


He asks, **"God, why didn't you send me help?"**


God replies, **"What do you mean? I sent you two boats!"**

👍🏼

Three guys are at a firing squad...

...and they will be shot in public. The first guy, not willing to die, thought of a great way to trick the squad. Just as the guns were raised to shoot him, the guy pointed behind the squad and shouted, "Avalanche!" The firing squad was tricked, and as they looked behind them, the guy ran away. The second guy decided to try the same trick himself. So as the guns were raised again, he pointed behind the squad, shouting, "Flood!" Again, the squad fell for it, and as they looked behind them, the second guy ran away. The third guy was utterly impressed by what the first two guys did to save themselves, so he decided to try out the trick himself. As the guns were raised once more to shoot him, the third guy shouted out, "Fire!"

👍🏼

A lady is stranded on her house during a flood...

While the water is to her roof, a man with a lifeboat calls out to her "I've got room for another!". The lady says "I can't, I only accept help from God" and he rows away. While the water is by her ankles, a lady with a raft calls out and says, "Hurry, the water's rising and I've got room for another!" The lady says, "I can't, I only accept help from God" and she rows away. Finally, with the water at the neck, a man with a helicopter calls out, "Please, lady this is your last chance!" Again, the lady yells, "I can only accept help from God!". At last, the water rises, the lady drowns, dies, and goes to heaven. Before entering, the ladys asks God, "God, before I enter paradise, I need to know. Why didn't you save me?" God relpies, "Who the hell do you think the lifeboat, raft, and helicopter were from!?"

👍🏼

The Stubborn Priest

A flood wipes out an entire town, making the only survivors having to take refuge on the roofs of a local church, one of which was the local priest.

Eventually, a rescue team comes by boat, and orders all the survivors to get on. All do so happily, except for the priest.

God is my only saviour, and *He* will be the one to come save me! He chants.

The rescuers try their best to convince him to get on the boat, but he doesn't budge. Eventually they abandon the priest on the church rooftop.

Then, a second rescue boat comes to do another check of any survivors, and sure enough, they find the priest reciting the bible, praying for God to rescue him.

Again, they try to convince him to come with them, and again he answers, God is my only saviour, and *He* will be the one to come save me!

They try and try, but he refuses. Eventually, they again abandon him on the roof.

Then one last boat arrives after a few hours, and again, for the last time, they try to convince the priest to come on the lifeboat. And again, he refuses, God is my only saviour, and *He* will be the one to come save me!

They end up having to abandon the priest, and no more lifeboats come. Eventually, he dies after one week on the rooftop.

At heaven's gate, he asks the angels, I was praying to God to come save me! Why did you let me die?!

We sent not one, not two, but *three damn lifeboats* to come save you, but you refused all of them!

👍🏼

God gathered a Jew, a Christian and a Muslim...

... and told them:
-I am tired of mankind's sins! In two weeks I'll unleash a great flood that will kill all humanity!
The Christian said:
-We have only two weeks to appease Him!
The Muslim said:
-We have only two weeks to change our ways!
The Jew said:
-We have only two weeks to learn how to breathe underwater!

👍🏼

So a town is flooding.

A massive flood is happening in a small town. Many people are running and screaming trying to find safe haven.

A young woman however just goes up to her 2nd floor as the water continues to rise. Once she gets there, a boat comes up to her house and the men aboard yell, "Come aboard m'am, we'll take you to safety!"

The woman calmly responds, "No thank you, God will save me."

The men shrug and move on to save other people. The water continues to rise, so the woman moves to her roof. Another boat comes up and the men aboard yell, "Come aboard m'am, we'll take you to safety!"

Again, the woman calmly responds, "No thank you, God will save me."

The men shrug and leave her. The water continues to rise, so she climbs up to her chimney. Another boat comes up and the men aboard yell, "Come aboard m'am, we'll take you to safety!"

The woman still calmly responds with, "No thank you, God will save me."

The men shrug and continue looking for survivors. The water continues to rise, and with no where left to go, the woman drowns. She ends up in heaven, where she meets God. She angrily shouts at him, "What the hell? Why didn't you save me?"

Then God says, "For crying out loud woman, I sent 3 boats!"

👍🏼

A brunette, redhead, and blonde got sentenced to execution in front of a firing squad.

The brunette went first. Seeing that the soldiers were a little naive, she waited until they raised their rifles and yelled "TORNADO!". The soldiers panicked and ran and in the ensuing confusion the brunette escaped.

They then beought out the redhead. She waited until the soldiers raised their rifles and yelled "FLOOD!". Again the soldiers ran for cover and she was able to escape.

The blonde was then brought out. Ahe decided to try and mimic her friends. So, as the soldiers raised their rifles, she yelled "FIRE!"....

👍🏼

A little Dutch boy was walking home one day...

When he saw a dyke leaking.. And the puddle was growing quickly.
So,fearing a flood, and being brave,he stuck his finger in the dyke.

She punched the living daylight out of him.

👍🏼

Three woman are all sentenced to death by firing squad. A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde...

The firing squad was called to shoot all the girls.

The brunette went first. The executor said, "We will shoot you on 3. 1...2..." Before the man said three, the brunette yelled, "TORNADO!"

Everyone looked away, and she ran to safety.

The firing squad then went to the redhead. The executor said, "We will shoot you on 3. 1...2..." "FLOOD!" the redhead screamed.

Everyone looked away, and she ran to safety.

The blonde, noticing what the other girls did, knew what she had to do. The executor said, "We will shoot you on 3. 1...2..."

"FIRE!!!" the blonde screamed...

👍🏼

What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark?

Flood lights

👍🏼

Have you seen the floods in Paris?

It's inseine!

👍🏼

A man was held as a prisoner of war for several months

He was tortured for information, and every time he would refuse, they would slice off his extremities. They started with his fingers and when those were gone, they began to work on his feet.

When the camp he was at was raided and overtaken, he saw his old commander walk in, a flood of joy and relief washed over him as he was finally free from the suffering, finally able to go back home.

But as he met eyes with his commander, who looked down at him, then at his feet, he turned away and left him to die in the cell. The soldier saw his toe-less feet and his heart sank into his stomach. His commander was lack-toes intolerant.

👍🏼

After the Great Flood

After the Great Flood, Noah sends the animals to go forth and multiply.

A pair of snakes stayed behind. Noah asked, why they stayed.

The pair of snakes replies We can't multiply, we're adders ...

so Noah builds them a log table

👍🏼

After the flood, Noah tells the animals from the Arc to "go forth and multiply."

After a few months, Noah figures he better wander around and see how the animals are doing. Everybody is happy until he comes across a couple of snakes - they are quite downcast and not very happy. Noah asks what wrong, and they say "We are Adders, so we can't multiply!"

Noah rubs his chin for a few moments, and then goes into the forest, cuts down a couple of trees, and makes a table out of them.

Then he puts the snakes up on the platform he has made, and says "Now you should be happy. Everybody knows that adders can multiply with log tables!"

👍🏼

After a nice meal at Taco Bell with some friends, I felt a familiar rumbling that can only be described as urgent and unwavering.

I speed down the road, gripping my abdomen, 60, 70, 80, 90mph. Suddenly in my rear view mirror, red and blue flashes flood my vision. I pull over, and the cop walks up to my window.

"Now what good reason do you have for going so fast down this road?"

"I'm sorry sir, but I had to use the restroom very badly."

"Had to? You've remained in the car since and you seem fine!"

"Well officer, you scared the shit out of me."

👍🏼

After the great flood, Noah begins unloading the ark, and instructs the animals to "go forth and multiply!"

Once most of the exodus has completed, he noticed a pair of adders in the back looking rather distraught. "What's the matter?" he asked them.

"We're only adders, we can't multiply!" said the snakes.

Thinking quickly, Noah dashed off into the forest, and returned a short time later carrying a felled tree over his shoulder. After flattening the sides, he placed it on the ground next to the adders, and said "Here's a log table, now even adders can multiply."

👍🏼

A man wants to prove there is a God.

While there is a flood, a man wants to prove there is a god. When the water is down to his knees, a rescue boat arrives. He refuses to leave in it and says "God will save me." When the water is to his chest, another boat arrives, to which he says the same thing. When the water is at his chin, a helicopter arrives, but he denies it again, so he drowns. When he ascends up to heaven, he confronts God and says, "Why didn't you save me?" To which God replies, "What do you mean? I sent two boats and a helicopter!"

👍🏼

After a flood of forged financial documents from a small eastern european country, an urgent warning was issued by banks worldwide

CHECK CZECH CHEQUES

👍🏼

How the Fukarwe Indians got their Name:

The Fukarwe Indians lived in Utah about 2,000 years ago.

They were a peaceful tribe and lived in Teepees on the prarie.

One day it started raining heavily.......and kept on raining.

The prarie started to flood and they were forced to move to higher ground.

And the rain kept coming......and the tribe had to move to higher and higher ground.

Until they found themselves at the top of a mountain.

And the Chief raised his hands to the Sky and shouted.

Where the Fukarwe!!!!..........z

👍🏼

My parents and I came to the US from Germany when I was a little girl.

They didn't speak much English, but were experienced educators back home. One winter, they decided to open a tutoring/ study session program to help students stay productive and focus over the break. It wasn't until after a flood of angry phone calls and visitors that we realized that "Concentration Camp" was not an ideal program name.

👍🏼

A reporter in Houston asked a woman how many churches were open during the flood

She said; "I don't know I eat at KFC"

👍🏼

So I wrote some Chuck Norris jokes the other day...

The devil once sold his soul to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't speak, he thinks loudly.

New Orleans didn't flood because of a hurricane. Chuck Norris did a canon ball into the Gulf of Mexico.

Chuck Norris once punched the Tower of Pisa.

Chuck Norris doesn't fart, because nothing can escape Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris goes skydiving, the Earth uses a parachute.

When Chuck Norris takes a shower, the soap doesn't clean him. He cleans the soap.

Netflix marathons Chuck Norris.

If Chuck Norris stared at the sun too long, he wouldn't go blind. The sun would.

If Chuck Norris bit a vampire, the vampire would turn back into a human.

👍🏼

The Most Stupid Man On Earth

There was a flood in a village.

One man said to everyone, I'll stay! God will save me!

The flood got higher and a boat came and the man in it said Come on mate, get in!

No replied the man. God will save me!

The flood got very high now and the man had to stand on the roof of his house.

A helicopter soon came and the man offered him help.

No, God will save me! he said

Eventually he died by drowning.

He got by the gates of heaven and he said to God Why didn't you save me?

God replied, For goodness sake! I sent a boat and a helicopter

👍🏼

An English man, Scottish man, and a Irish man were about to be executed by the firing squad.

They put the Englishman against the wall, when he says
"EARTH QUAKE!".
The firing squad start panicking, whilst the English man runs off.
They put the Scottish man against the wall, when he says
"FLOOD!".
The firing squad start panicking more, whilst he also runs off.
They put the Irish man against the wall, when he says
"FIRE!"

👍🏼

God has me covered

A farmer encounters a great flood in his village and he is forced to take refuge on the roof.

A car drives by and offers to drive him to safety, the farmer says "No...God will take care of me"

The flood gets higher and a boat comes by and offers him a ride to safety, the farmer says "No...God will take care of me"

Finally the floods get even higher and a helicopter shows up offering him a ride to safety, the farmer says "No....God will take care of me"." A few minutes later a wave comes at him killing him

Later in heaven, God asks the farmer "Why are you here? I sent you a car, a boat AND a helicopter!!!"

👍🏼

What are the most funny Flood jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Flood? Well, here are the best Flood dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Flood pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes