Floating Jokes

Following is our collection of drift humor and dives one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Floating puns for adults, dirty levitate jokes or clean boat gags for kids.

There is an abundance of hover jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 69 funniest jokes on floating. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any water witze you can hear about floating.

The Best jokes about Floating

A magician gets himself a parrot for his act

After a couple weeks of performing with the magician the parrot begins to heckle the magician during his shows. "it's under his hat, it's up his sleeve, his assistant has it."

The magician is performing on a cruise ship when the ship sinks. The magician wakes up on a piece of driftwood with the parrot standing on the opposite end. The parrot and the magician spend 2 days floating at sea without saying a word.

Finally the parrot says, "Alright, I give up. Where's the boat?"

A penguin falls asleep on an iceberg,...

When he wakes up, he finds himself encased in ice, floating in the middle of the ocean. To his fortune, he spots the horn of a narwhal close by. Thanking his lucky stars, he calls out to him. The narwhal comes and the penguin asks "Thank goodness you're around, Mr. Narwhal. Could you break the ice?". The narwhal stares at him for a bit.

"Ok, so what are your hobbies?"

"This is your Captain speaking..."

"...if you look out of your window you will see a small yellow life raft floating in the sea. I am talking to you from there."

Two Italian guys, Dino and Marcello, go fishing on a boat

Suddenly, Dino spots an old WWII bomb floating towards them.

Dino screams "Marcello! Look! It's a mine!"

Marcello -scared- replies "Okay okay Dino, you can a have it!"

Quadriplegic jokes I've gathered from over the years.

What do you call a quadriplegic that hangs on your wall?

Art.

What do you call a quadriplegic that lays on your porch?

Matt.

What do you call a quadriplegic that is in a hole?

Doug.

What do you call a quadriplegic in a ditch?

Phil.

What do you call a quadriplegic doing water ski jumps?

Skip.

What do you call a quadriplegic floating in the water?

Bob.

What do you call a quadriplegic playing in a pile of leaves?

Russell.

What do you call a quadriplegic inside of your mail box?

Bill.


A drunk old Irish man told me this one...

A man, a pig and his dog are marooned on a deserted island. After a couple of months in isolation the man becomes lonely and begins getting ideas about the pig. But every time he tries it on with the pig, the dog would start biting his leg and barking at him.

One day the man spots a beautiful woman floating on a raft out in the sea. He swims out as fast as he can and rescues her, and brings her onshore. The woman is overwhelmed with gratitude for him and says

Thank you for saving me, I will do anything you want .

With a cheeky glint in his eye, delighted with this offer, the man eagerly says

Brilliant! You see that dog? Go take him for a feckin walk

Two balloons were floating around a desert.

One said to the other, "look, a cactussssssssss..."

Two Old Ladies

There were once two old Jewish ladies on a vacation in Israel. They are floating together out in the dead sea when one says to the other, "want a smoke?"

She replies, "Here? How?" The first lady reaches in to her bathing suit and pulls out a balloon with two cigarettes and a lighter in it. The second one asks, "What's that?"

"Oh? You don't know? It's a condom!" They smoke, relax, and enjoy themselves. After they've been floating for a while, the second old lady says,

"And where can I get this condom?"

"Just over at the drugstore, easy."

Later that day, the second old lady walks into the nearest pharmacy, goes up to the teller, and asks for a condom. The teller is a young man who is quite bemused at this bent old lady coming in to buy a condom, so he decides to yank her chain a bit.

"And what size condom would you like?"

"Oh, I dunno, big enough for a camel."

Two balloons

are floating in the desert. one balloon says to the other, "hey! watch out for that cactussssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss"

What do you call a guy who's laying down in front of a door?...Matt. What do you call a guy floating up and down in the water?... Bob. What do you call a guy leaning against a wall?...Art. What do you call a gal who you owe money to that you set on fire?...

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..BERNADETTE!!!!!!

Baby Jokes [NSFW] [NSFL] NOT SAFE FOR ANYONE.

What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
You take off your boots before you jump on a trampoline.

How do you make a baby spin around?
Blender.
How do you take it back out?
Nachos.

What do you call a dead baby on a wall?
Art.
What do you call a dead baby floating on the water?
Bob.
What do you call a dead baby on the floor?
Matt.

What's better than 10 babies in a bag?
One baby in 10 bags.

This one sickens me.
What's the similarity between your grandma and your baby?
Both may die during intercourse.
What's the difference?
Your grandma's arsehole won't split in two.


What did they find floating in the toilet of the S.S Enterprise?

Captains Log

A man walks into a bar and orders a Manhattan.

The drink comes and he sees a piece of parsley floating in the glass.

"What in the world is this?"

The bartender says, "Central Park."

A bunch of gay guys are sitting in a hot tub...

They see some sperm floating around, and one guy asks "ewwww who farted?"

The Tale of Two Whales

A guy and girl whale are swimming along, when the guy whale spots a ship on the horizon. He says to the girl whale, "Hey, I dare you to swim over to that boat and use your blowhole to flip it over." The girl whale swims over to the vessel and capsizes it in one go. She says to the guy whale, "That was too easy." The guy whale says, "Alright, I dare you to eat all of the sailors floating in the water." The girl whale responds with, "No! I agreed to the blow job, but I refuse to swallow the seamen."

An Englishman, American and Irishman walk into a bar.

All three of them order a beer. The Englishman sees a fly floating in his beer and calls the bartender over and demands a new beer. The American also sees a fly floating in his beer and just flicks it away and drinks the beer. The Irishman sees a fly in his beer also and picks it up and screams "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"

What is the difference between a dead hooker and a brick?

I don't have a brick floating in my pool.

What do you call a floating dog?

A good buoy.

A black guy sees an ad in the paper...

...that says, "Come and enjoy a relaxing afternoon floating down the river followed by a champagne party!" Well, the guy thinks this sounds pretty good and so heads on down to the marina. But as soon as he gets there, 3 white guys jump out of the bushes. They strip him naked, tie him to a log and throw him in.
So he's floating along, pondering his predicament, when he spots a Polack who's also naked and tied to a log.
He says to the Polack, "I bet we don't get champagne, either!"
The Polack says, "We didn't last year."


With age comes wisdom...

A 70 year old retired Military officer had one hobby - he loved to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' he looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, ''Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The retd officer said, 'Are you talking to me ?'


The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me; and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride !'

The retired officer looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts ? Didn't you hear what I said ?'
I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said

'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.'

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar...

...and each take a seat and order a beer. When the Englishman gets his beer, he sees a fly floating in it, and politely asks for a different brew. The Scotsman, intrigued by this, looks into his beer and also notices a fly in it. He shrugs and picks it out. When the Irishman's beer arrives, also containing one fly, he's had enough. He picks up the fly, holds it very close to his mouth, and says...

"Spit it out, lad, spit it all out!"

We live on a tiny, useless ball of rocks and water, floating through the vast expanse of outer space

But it means the world to us.

Do you know what the internal temperature of a tauntaun is?

Luke warm

Seemed appropriate with all the Hoth stuff floating around.

I think I just disproved gravity!

This research is going to have Issac Newton floating in his grave.

One wish

Two Irishmen go on a cruise. Halfway through their vacation the ship wrecks, and the two Irishmen escape on a lifeboat. They floated about for a couple days, hoping to be rescued. On the third day one of the men notices a bottle floating near the lifeboat.
"Wouldn't it be cool if there were a genie in the bottle?", he asked. Without hesitation the other man picked the bottle up and rubbed, and whoosh, out pops the genie.
"I am a powerful genie, but I can only grant one wish," the genie shouts.
Before the other man could even get in a word

"I wish the ocean was nothing but Guinness."

And whoosh the genie grants the wish and disappears.

"No, you idiot, now we have to pee in the boat."

As I was telling my grandfather goodnight over the phone, he proceeded to tell me "the height of conceit."

Which in his own words:

"You know the height of conceit son? A flea floating on his back down a river, sporting a hard-on, yelling 'OPEN THE DRAWBRIDGE' "

That man.

There once was a floating head...

Being very sad that he had no body, he floated into a bar. Upon receiving his alcohol, he began to drink. Slowly, after every sip, a body started to appear from neck down. Excitedly, he ordered more and more drinks and drank them, until he finally had a whole body. After leaving some money on the counter he stumbled out into the street and got hit by a bus. The moral of the story? Stop while you're ahead.

5 gay guys are sitting in a hot tub

When all of a sudden a condom comes floating up.

One of them laughs and asks okay guys seriously, who farted?

3 friends on a raft...

3 friends on a raft, stranded in the ocean. They stumble up onto this genie lamp floating next to the boat. 1 guy picks up the lamp and rubs the water off it. A genie miraculously poofs out, and thanks the gentleman for releasing him. He tells them that he will grant them 1 wish a piece. First guy says "well I'd like to be home, with maybe a steak dinner". Poof, he disappears. Second guy says "that sounds good, I want the same". Poof, second guy disappears. Third guy, all alone looks around nervously... He says "man I sure am lonely now, I wish my friends were here"......

Two balloons are floating in the desert

Says the one to the other: Watch out for this cactusssssssssssss

Luigi the Fisherman

No one in this town could catch any fish except this one little old Italian man. The game warden asked Luigi how he did it.
Luigi said, "Comma down tomorrow...we go fish"

Once they got to the middle of the lake Luigi took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water He took out a net and started picking up the best ones.

"Luigi!" said the game warden, "You know that's illegal!" "I'm going to have to arrest you now."

Luigi took out another stick of dynamite, lit it and handed it to the game warden and said,

"Hey! are you gonna talk or fish?"

I kept wondering why the ball was floating in front of me

Then it hit me

Two amoebae are floating along in a prehistoric ocean.

Amoeba 1: Weird...I think I just took in a breath of air.

Amoeba 2: Nah. You're probably imagining things.

Amoeba 1: Yeah. False aspirations, I guess.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean?

Bob

What do you call a man with no arms and legs

Floating in a lake?
Bob.

Sitting at your doorstep?
Matt.

An American, a Brit, and an Irishman each order a pint.

When the bartender delivers the drinks, each one has a fly floating in it.

The American throws a fit, yelling, saying how he can't drink it, take it back immediately, etc.

The Brit removes the fly and politely enjoys his beer.

The Irishman is furious. STOP DRINKING MY BEER AND GET YOUR OWN!

What do u call two lesbians floating down a river in a canoe?

Fur traders.

An engineer, physicist and mathematician are in an interview (with no accountants) ...

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are in an interview.
The engineer is asked, 'What is 2+2?'. The engineer instantly pulls out his calculator, but since its floating point processor firmware has a bug, 2+2 gives him 3.999 which he tells the panel.
The physicist is asked the same question, and he replies 'Well, using a back of the envelope calculation, 2 is order of magnitude 1. Adding two numbers of magnitude 1, will result in a number less than order of magnitude 2. Therefore 2 + 2 is less than 100'.
They finally pose the problem to the mathematician, and he pulls out this notebook and starts scribbling. 30 minutes later, he looks up the panel and triumphantly declares, 'It converges!!!'

An old man and an old woman...

An old man and an old woman are living alone. They make a pact that the one that dies first will come back and tell the other one about the afterlife.

Wouldn't you know it, one day the old man dies.

One night the old woman is laying in bed and she sees the old man floating above her. "So?" she says, "what's it like?"

"It's great!" says the old man. "I get up in the morning and have sex. Then I eat breakfast. Then I have more sex until lunch. After lunch I have more sex; that gets me to dinner. After dinner I have sex until I pass out. I wake up the next morning and do it all again."

The old woman can't believe it. "Heaven is nothing but eating and sex all day?"

"Heaven?" says the old man. "I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

I ordered "Texas Fries" off the bar menu...

I thought they would be *kinda* bad, but I didn't expect to receive fries floating in a bucket of water.

Whats the worst part about a black out in Detroit?

All the pairs of floating eyes

When the titanic crashed, what were they floating on?

An iPhone 7, there was no Jack.

What do you call a floating potato?

A levi-tater.

A man of God floating around in the ocean after a shipwreck.

Suddenly a small vessel appears. The captain offers to save him. The man replies: "No, i'm fine. God will save me." The Captain leaves him.

After some time, another boat appears. This time, a fishing boat. The fishermen quickly throw in a net into the water and asks the man to grab onto it so they can pull him in. He respectfully declined and said: "God will save me. Dont worry, i have faith".

The man eventually dies and goes to heaven where he meets God. The man says: "i had total faith in you. Why didn't you save me?"

To which god says "Idiot! i sent you two boats."

Two ducks were floating in a pond

One of them said: "Quack".

The other duck said: "I was going to say that!"

What do you call a drag queen with a cold floating in a pool?

Phlegmbouyant

Boudreaux Joke

Boudreaux's wife don't come home one night.Boudreaux is sick with worry. Three days later Thibodaux comes to Boudreaux' door and tells him "I gots you some good news and some bad news" Boudreaux says" I'm a man,give me the bad news first". Thibodaux says " We just found your wife Clotilde dead, floating face down in Bayou Lafourche". Boudreaux said" POO -YAH !! What could be the good news??" Thibodaux said" The good news is that we picked 2 hampers of crabs off her,and we're going to run her again tonight."

Three in floating in the Ocean.

Three men floating in the ocean in a life raft when a smoke-filled bottle bumps the raft. One guy picks it up and opens it. Out comes the Genie. I will grant you each one wish but it can't be changed…..The first guy shouts-out, turn the ocean to beer. The other two look at him then shake their heads and said, Well now I guess we will have to pee in the life raft.

A double bass player

A double bass player gets a call for a gig. Says he has to meet everyone else at the docks at 9pm. He's there waiting when he gets bashed on the head and knocked unconscious.

He wakes up ducked taped to his bass, floating in the harbour. After his first panic fades he looks around and notices several other players also ducked taped to their basses, bobbing in the water.

After a pause he yells out "Hey, do we get fed on this gig?"

"We did last year!" one answers.

A man walked past a floating string...

*m* - "Where did you learn to do that?"

*s* - "I'm self-taut!"

I walked passed the sea and thought I saw a severed hand floating

Turns out it was just a wave

What will you call a big broken glacier piece, floating towards United Kingdom?

Iceburgh

Two astronauts are floating aimlessly through space when one of them starts giggling uncontrollably.

The other looks at him and says, "Do you understand the gravity of this situation?"

What did the boat say when it stopped floating?

Oh buoy...

Two Italian men are deep sea fishing in the middle of the Mediterranean...

Vinny and Paulo were deep sea fishing on a bright sunny day when a World War II mine came floating along. Upon noticing this round spiky object coming nearer and nearer to the boat, Vinny shouted, "Paulo! It's a mine, it's a mine!!!"

Paulo replied, "Okay Vinny, you can-a have it!"

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool of water.

Bob.

What do you call a man mounted on a wall?
Art.

What do you call one man crouched between another man's legs?
Peter.

What do you call a man in a hole?
Phil.

What do you say when you see your TV floating in the lounge room in the middle of the night?

Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

What would be a good punchline for this joke?

I'm usually good at this, but I can't think of how to end this line: Shane Battier is on the ground more than _____." There's a ton of good punchlines floating around for it, but I can't seem to grasp one.

Oyster

Oysters, they say, will win a women every time - bullshit, I say.

A woman can always spot an oyster floating in her drink.

Cajun good news and bad news

Thibodaux walks up to Boudreaux and says, "Boudreaux, I've got some good news and some bad news; which do you want to hear first?" Ol Boudreaux replies, "Told me the bad news, den the good news cheer me up!" "Well git holt of yourself; we found your wife, dead, floating down the bayou."

"Oh my ya!" Boudreaux cries. "Das horrible!!! What could possibly be de good news????"

Thibodaux replies, "Well, when we pulled her out the bayou, we found 4 or 8 blue crab on her.... We're gonna run her again in the morning!"

What do you say when you see your TV floating in the middle of the night?

Drop it Ni**a

(sorry for the offensive word)

rescuers find a dead body floating in a lake in july

They take him out of the water and immidiately start resuscitating him. After an hour has passed another rescuer who has stood silent finally says
Boys I think you can stop now. You see, he has his skates on

What do you say when you wake up in the middle of the night and your TV is floating?

"Man, wall mounts are awesome."

Two men floating up to heaven...

both sitting on clouds drifting to the great beyond. One looks over at the other and says how did you die?

the man says well, I thought my wife was cheating on me. So I rushed home early from work to catch her in the act.
When I got home, the place seemed empty but she was acting suspicious. So I checked all the closets.
I checked under the bed, in the pantry, in the garage. Nothing! I couldn't find anyone, I was getting angrier and angrier. Finally I went down into the basement and started throwing around boxes and anything a person could hide under. In my rage I had a heart attack and must have died.
The other man shook his head, and said "if you had just looked in the freezer we would both still be alive".

What do you call 5 guys who have no arms or legs and a woman floating in the water together?

Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob and Ann

What Do You Call A Floating Oyster With A Big Personality?

Clambuoyant!

What do fish call a submarine?

Unidentified Floating Object

What do you say when you see your TV floating at night?

"Put it down, Tyrone!"

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes