Flight Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.


The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
 

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

A flight attendant sees a suspicious couple on board...

She decides to report it to the pilot immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! The female passenger looks pretty frightened and the man she is with looks dangerous!"

The pilot responds, "Patricia, I've told you before. This is Air Force One..."

On a flight back from Russia, a flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the captain immediately…

Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, sweaty, old slob who looks like a sexual deviant!

The captain responds, You must be new here. This is Air Force One.

My seatmate on a flight was a woman.

Ever the charmer, I asked, Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?

Yes, she said, but I wasn't willing to pay.

My wife is so fat that when she booked a flight they made her have 2 seats.

She was pissed off until I mentioned that she would get 2 meals

Being on a United Airlines flight is like smoking weed.

You take a hit, then a long drag and soon you wake up not knowing where you are.

I sleep better naked

Why can't this flight attendant understand that?

When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin.

Just so I can say the words Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.

A mathematician is afraid of flying

A mathematician is afraid of flying due to the small risk of a terrorist attack. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with his hand luggage. "The probability of having a bomb on a plane is very low", he reason, "and the probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero."

Why wouldn't the airline allow the vulture to board his flight?

#Because of the horrible stench coming from his carrion luggage.

*I deserve any and all insulting comments I will get for this joke, I make no excuses for myself and should probably be ashamed.*

*

A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight...

After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane.

After the airplane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for whiskey which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather let a dozen whores rape me than let alcohol touch my lips"

The Irishman then handed his drink back and said "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice!"

Things that will get you kicked off an United Airlines flight:

1)Wearing leggings
2)Having an United Airlines ticket

-Dan Regan

A group of engineering students and their teacher were given free airplane tickets to go on a holiday

Once on the plane, the captain announced that they were on the plane the students had built. Everyone freaked and rushed out of the plane, except for the teacher who stayed there with calm. When the flight attendant asked why he hadn't left, he responded " I know the abilities of my students. This shit won't even start".

I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs.

It was Wong on so many levels

Henry Winkler on a plane

Henry Winkler is a passenger on a plane and the flight attendant asks him, "Would you like some headphones?"

He replies, "Yes, that would be very nice, but it's pronounced 'Fonz'."

My girlfriend told me she was pregnant, so I started looking for some names...

...in the end I chose Juan Carlos and took the first flight to Spain.

A flight attendant asks a man:

-Sir, do you want something to drink?

-What are my options?

-Yes and No

I sleep better naked and it's more comfortable

WHY CAN'T THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT UNDERSTAND THIS?

It was going to cost me $700 to put down my dog

So I booked a United flight instead

An Irishman and a Muslim are sat next to each other on a flight...

An Irishman and a Muslim are sat next to each other on a flight.

The stewardess comes up and asks the Irish man if he'd like a drink. He orders a whiskey and the stewardess hands it to him.

The stewardess then asks the Muslim if he'd like a drink. "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores!" he shouts back.

The Irishman calmly hands his whiskey back to the stewardess and says "I'll have what he's having".

The flight attendant asked me during the flight, could I offer you some free headphones?

So I replied, Sure, but how did you know my name is Phones?

Wouldn't you all agree that you just sleep better naked?

I don't understand why the flight attendant was yelling at me...

An Irishman and a Mormon are on a plane.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.


The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores".


The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too! I didn't know we had a choice."

A Mormon and an Irishman were seated next to each other on a plane

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.


The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."


The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

A pilot forgets to turn off his speaker after his speech...

After switching to auto pilot, he stretches, turns to his co-pilot and says:

"Finally I can take a huge dump, then I'll fuck that blonde flight attendant."

Hearing this, young flight attendant starts to run through the aisle to warn pilot about the speaker, but she stumbles and falls, next to an old woman. Woman puts her hand on flight attendant's shoulder and says:

"Don't rush young lady, let him take a dump first..."

It's a shame Carrie Fisher was on a United Airlines flight when she had her heart attack.

If she was on another airline there might have been a doctor on board.

An atheist, a Muslim, and a Born-again Christian are seated together on a plane.

They have a pleasant flight because they're not assholes.

I just like to sleep naked.

I think the flight attendant could've been more understanding.

An airline employee makes the final boarding call for a flight.

After she finished the announcement, she spots a man running down the concourse towards the gate. He runs through the boarding area, hurdles a row of empty chairs, and stops at the podium, almost out of breath.

"You just made it!" she says. "Do you have your boarding pass?"

"Oh, this isn't my flight," the man says. "I just wanted to tell you that I'm vegan."

United should rebrand to Adrenaline...

Since they promote "fight or flight".

My flight instructor told me this one. Nothing to do with flying.

A man's wife is staring at herself in the mirror and frowning. She turns to her husband and says "Honey, I feel fat, old, and ugly. I could really use a compliment right now." To which the husband replies "Darling, your eyesight is impeccable."

(Hope its no re-post) So this pilot was talking to his co-pilot...

and he says, "man i could really use a blowjob and a coffee." Little did he know, he had his hand on the intercom, blasting his statement out to the whole plane. The flight attendants all exchanged looks before one of them started running up to the front of the plane to tell the pilot to let go of the button. On her way there a passenger shouts to her, "Don't forget the coffee!"

I accidentally dropped my phone from a 20-story building.

It's a good thing I had it on Flight Mode.

After asking several other people, a flight attendant walks up and asks a man a question [NSFW]

Flight attendant: Sir, would you like some headphones?

Man: Yes I would! How did you know my name was phones?

A rabbi and a priest...

take a group of kids on a spiritual trip to the Holy Land. During the flight, the pilot announces,
" The plane is going down, we only have two parachutes. I'm taking one. You guys figure out who gets the other one"
The priest says, " We should give it to one of the kids."
The rabbi grabs the chute and says, " I have a life to live! F*ck the kids! "

The priest thinks, and says,
"Do you think we have time?? "

I once saw an Arab on a flight....

I was kinda shocked when I saw him and looked on him with suspicion. Then he understood what I was thinking and approaching me, he said, "Not all Muslims are terrorists" and we laughed so hard that his grenades fell out of his pocket.

*year 2020* Nurse: Sir, you've been in a coma since 2017

Patient: I thought I was on a United flight.

Nurse: You were but you were volunteered to get off.

A flight attendant says to a man...

"Would you like headphones?"
The man replies, "How did you know my name was Phones?"

I'm sorry, you can't check your disobedient child on this flight.

Guess you'll have to carry on your wayward son

Flight back home

Guy was boarding a plane to go back home from a business trip.

As he was boarding another passenger asks him: "our flight looks full what do you think they will do??"

The Asian man flying back home says "beats me"

On my way for the latest Porsche presentation..

the airport officials requested the purpose of my flight.
I wrote down "I'm here for the newest 911".
Best regards from Guantanamo.

An Indian woman jumps up mid flight and shouts 'is there a doctor on the plane?'

A nice, serious guy approaches quickly and says 'i'm a doctor, what's the problem?'

She replies 'Would you like to meet my daughter?'

Some people are like Slinkies...

Some people are like Slinkies.

Not really good for anything, but they can still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

Flight Report

Flight Attendant: "Captain! I think we have a case of human trafficking! There's a lecherous old slob with an immigrant lady on the plane, who looks like she's being taken against her will! Should we bump them off?"




Captain: "For gods sake Patricia! We don't work for United Airlines anymore! This is Air Force one!"

A kid boards a flight for the first time in his life

Kid: What kind of flight is this mom?

Mom: Boeing

Kid: I'm boarding a Boeing, Boeing, Boeing, Boeing

Mom: Be silent you idiot

Kid: I'm oarding an oeing, oeing, oeing, oeing

P.S: Based on a true incident

Flight attendant landed this one on us yesterday

We just landed on the runway and the flight attendant annouces a message over the speaker.

"Hey folks...um yea sorry about that rough landing...

...wasn't the captains fault,

...definitely wasn't my fault,

...it was the asphalt."

The result: a perfect mix of laughs and groans.

"Help! Is there a Doctor on this flight?"

"Uh. Shit. Not anymore..."

How do ghosts make friends?

By buttering a flight of stairs.

Anyone want 2 free tickets to a fight?

I've got seats 29A & B on United flight 1807.

I just like to sleep naked

I think the flight attendant could have been a little more understanding.

I got cursed out by a flight attendant for asking to be moved away from a screaming baby

Apparently they don't like that if it's your baby.

Boarding the plane

I saw that there were fat guys sitting around my seat. Realizing it was a long flight, and not wanting the uncomfortable inconvenience, I found another seat and sat there.

This guy came up to me and said "Excuse me. You're in my seat".

I said "Excuse me. Fuck off"

He said "Well then, fly the fucking plane yourself"..

Three men and a parachute

So, a norwegian, a danish and a swedish person are on a private flight. Suddenly, the pilot turns on the speaker and says:
"The plane is malfunctioning and is going to crash. There's three parachutes, and I'm going to take one. You're going to have to figure out who doesn't get one".
He then proceeds to jump out of the plane.

The three men panic, but the norwegian tells the others to calm down and then says to the swedish person: "Here. You take one, we'll figure out who gets the last one." And the swedish jumps.

The norwegian then turns to the danish person and says: "Let's grab the chutes and get out of this thing."

The danish says, very confused:" But you just gave the second to last parachute to that swedish guy? There's only one left now."

To which the norwegian replies: "Relax man, I gave him my backpack."

They won't admit the Egypt flight crashed...

...because they're all in *da nile.*

A flight from Dublin to Boston

Shortly after I took off on an Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston a few weeks ago, the air hostess nervously announced that the catering department had made a terrible mistake. A big mix up she said. Although 226 passengers were on board they received only 80 dinners. She apologised, but said that anybody kind enough to give up their meal would receive unlimited free drinks for the remainder of the flight. The next announcement came 2 hours later when she said, "If anybody is hungry, we still have 80 dinners available".

Two pilots, Rick and Dick, are flying, when they start talking about the new stewardess...

Rick says. "Have you seen Svetlana, she's absolutely stunning".
Dick says "Seen her? I already did her after a flight last week!"
Rick says "Wow man was she good?". Dick says "Well she's not as good as other stewardesses but still better than my wife".
So Rick goes "well I gotta try this out.."

So after the flight he gets a drink with Svetlana, and one thing leads to another.

The next flight Dick asks "so how was she?"

Rick says "you're right, we do have hotter stewardesses, but she was definitely still better than your wife".

A Mormon was seated next to a Irishman on a plane..

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
 

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.


The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
 

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Italian are all on a plane.

All three are heading to China for 2 months for a business trip. The Frenchman and the Englishman start talking about the night before:

Englishman: "I'll have you know I made love to my wife 3 times and this morning she told me she adored me"

Frenchman: "Ha ha! That is very good my friend, however, I believe I have you beat; last night I made love to my wife 6 times and this morning she told me should would never love anyone else!"

The Englishman congratulates the Frenchman and then they look over at the Italian who hasn't said anything the whole flight.

Englishman: "How many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

Italian: "Once"

Frenchman: "Once? What did she say in the morning?"

Italian: "Don't stop"

My dad is a pilot and he told me this joke.

Two pilots are sitting in the cockpit, talking, when they realize they are flying over a huge crater.
"Wow, what a beautiful sight," says the first pilot.
"It is, isn't it?" the other pilot replies.
Then a flight attended joins them.
"Sir, what are we flying over?" she asks the first pilot.
"It's a crater. A meteor crashed into the earth and left that giant hole."
"Wow," replies the flight attendant. "And what's that building right next to it?"
"That's the visitors center," the second pilot says.
"Phew," she says. "They really got lucky, didn't they?"

May I have a piece of gum?

Two gay guys are in a large passenger plane flying across the Pacific. In the middle of the flight, one turns and tells his partner: "Let's have sex. Right here and now." His partner says: "Are you crazy? In front of all these people?" The first gay guy says: "Don't worry. They're all asleep. Here, see for yourself." He leans out into the aisle and yells: "Excuse me, can anybody let me have a piece of gum?" There's no answer or any kind of interest. His partner is convinced and they have sex right then and there.

The plane lands and as the passengers are disembarking there is a stewardess by the exit asking everyone if they had a good flight. One man says, "The flight was fine but I have a horrible headache". The stewardess says: "Oh you poor thing, why didn't you ask for some aspirin?" And the man says: "Are you kidding? I saw what happened to that poor guy who asked for a piece of gum."

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father,may I ask a favor?'

'Of course child. What can I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for
me? Under your robes perhaps?

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her..

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!

So there is a mother and her daughter sitting on the plane.

They haven't taken off yet and are still on the runway. The daughter, who is pretty young, say four or five, looks out the window and gets to thinking....

"Mommy. If big dogs have puppies and big cats have kittens, then shouldn't big airplanes have little baby airplanes?"

And the mom, she's hungover and jet lagged.

"aw, baby, just go ask the stewardess"

So the daughter gets up to ask the flight attendant.

"Hey stewardess lady, if big dogs have puppies and big cats have kittens then shouldn't big airplanes have little baby airplanes?"

And the stewardss says "did your mother tell you to come ask me this?" The girl nods.

"well, you see, sweetheart, this is JetBlue. And we always pull out on time. That's why there's no baby airplanes. Go ask your mom about that."

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system

as usual to greet the passengers. He tells them their altitude, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather. He advises them to relax and have a good flight.
Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his copilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob."
All of the passengers hear it.
As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says, "Don't forget the coffee!"

Sex Statistics on a Plane.

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be
seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They
exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies,
"This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics.
It identifies that American Indians have the longest
average penises and Polish men have the biggest average
diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

How many prison guards does it take to throw an inmate down a flight of stairs?

None, he fell.

The flight attendant see's a suspicious looking couple onboard,

so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, graceful and rich looking female passenger onboard.
She looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, old, redhead slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous.
We must save the lady!"

The Captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you before....You do not work for United Airlines anymore. This is Air Force One. For the last time...please learn to respect the American President!"

A plane takes off on the pilot announces on the loudspeaker....

"this is your captain John Smith, our destination is Bogotá, our flight time is estimated at five hours, blah blah blah..." he forgets to hang up the loudspeaker and proceeds to tell his copilot "here take the controls while I go take a shit and then I'm going to fuck the new fine flight attendant."

Everyone on the plane is surprised and the flight attendant is desperately running towards the cabin to tell them to turn off the loudspeaker, when she slips and falling next to and old woman who tells her "dearie, don't be such a whore, he said he was going to take a shit first"

Pardon me, English is not my native language.

Mother & Daughter Are on a Plane...

Mother & daughter are on a plane. Daughter asks mother, "Mommy, if big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother stumbled and didn't have an answer for that one so she desperately looks around and replies, "I don't know sweetie, why don't you go ask that nice flight attendant, I'm sure she'll have an answer."

So the little girl goes up the the flight attendant and asks, "If big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, then why don't big planes have baby planes?"

Immediately the flight attendant is suspicious, "Did your mother tell you to come over here and ask me that?"... "Yep", answers the little girl.

So the flight attendant thinks on it for a few seconds then kneels down to the daughters level.

"You go over there and you tell your mother it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."

:)

My kid was boarding the wrong flight when he asked me, "What's another name for onboard luggage?"

I said, "Carry-on, my wayward son."

So there were 4 people on a private jet

Oprah Winfrey, Donald trump, Barack obama, and this little girl.

In the middle of there flight, the engine shuts down and and there going to crash.

So Oprah Winfrey says the world needs me and grabs a parachute and jumps off.

Then Donald trump grabs a parachute and jumps off without saying anything.

Then there's only one parachute left.

Barack Obama says to the girl, little girl, you are the future to our country, you take the last parachute.

Then the little girl says actually there's two left.

Barack Obama says how ?

Then the little girl says because trump just took my school backpack.

A mother and her son are sitting in an airplane.

The kid looks up and asks, "Mommy? If big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?"

Mom thinks to herself that he is too young and she doesn't want to get into this so she tells the boy, "Go ask the flight attendant; maybe she can answer that for you."

So, he walks up and asks, "Ma'am, if big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?"

She had overheard the mother's attempt to pass this off and replies, "Tell your mom that I said it's because Southwest airlines always pulls out on time and have her explain that to you..."

What do you call it when Condoleezza Rice pushes a stuck-up criminal down a flight of stairs?

Conde sending condescending con descending.

We must follow our policy. . .

I was at the airport the other day to pick someone up but their flight was delayed so I wandered around a bit. I noticed a big scene at one of the airline check ins. there was this agitated vulture holding a couple of dead possums arguing loudly with a whole group of ticket agents. I kinda felt bad for the guy but the airline did have a one carrion policy.

So the pope is SUPER EARLY for his flight


He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.

Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."

Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"

Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."

Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"

Cop: "More important, sir."

Chief: "A major politician?"

Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."

Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"

Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

A blonde boards a plane to Miami...

A blonde boards a plane to Miami and takes a seat in first class even though she has an economy ticket. A flight attendant tells her several times to move to economy class, but the blonde doesn't listen. Exasperated, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit. Seconds later the pilot steps out and whispers something in the blonde's ear. Immediately, she gets up from her seat and goes to economy class. Intrigued, the flight attendant asks the pilot how he managed to convince her to relinquish her seat.
"Easy" says the pilot, "I told her first class doesn't go to Miami"

Three black women are getting on a plane..

They're lining up for their flight and the first black woman turns to the others and says "I'm wearing fluorescent yellow pants, cause if this plane crashes in the ocean they'll be able to find me first"
The second says "well I'm wearing fluorescent orange pants so if this plane crashes over land, they'll be able to find me first"
The third says "you two are stupid, I ain't wearing no pants! Cause it don't matter where we crash, everybody knows they look for the black box first!"

What are the funniest flight jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Flight? Well, here are the best Flight puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Flight pick up lines to share with friends.

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