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Flies Jokes

169 flies jokes and hilarious flies puns to laugh out loud. Read animal jokes about flies that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

This funny article will have you laughing out loud! From time flies jokes to funny one-liners about fruit flies and air planes, this collection of fly jokes will surely bring a smile to your face. Check out some of the best jokes about wings and flying today!

Funniest Flies Short Jokes

Short flies jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The flies humour may include short bugs jokes also.

  1. Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate! The Voyager probe, flying away from earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.
  2. Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands
    You really should upvote this joke because it never gets old
  3. I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by. I just didn't realize it would Zoom.
  4. Bumblebees can fly higher than mount Everest Kinda obvious. Considering mount Everest can't fly
  5. If you buy a man a plane ticket, he will fly for a day… If you push a man out of a plane, he will fly for the rest of his life
  6. Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.
    Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
  7. I asked my dad why did he become a pilot. He said, "to conquer my greatest fear." "The fear of flying?", I asked.
    "No," said dad. "The fear of dying alone."
  8. Leave a man on a plane and he flies for a day. Throw a man off a plane and he flies for the rest of his life.
  9. Whats the difference between an ISIS training camp and a children's hospital? I dunno, I just fly the drone...
  10. What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit? Oranges have thick skin.
    Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!

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Flies One Liners

Which flies one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with flies? I can suggest the ones about birds and frog.

  1. What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig? The letter F.
  2. What do we want? Low flying airplane noises!
    When do we want them?
    NNEEEEOOOOWWWWW
  3. Why are you flying with United Airlines? Beats me.
  4. The fly remained undecided during the debate. He was..
    On the Pence
  5. A penguin walks into an airport... A TSA officer stops him and says "Penguins can't fly."
  6. What has 4 wheels and flies? A garbage truck
    ...I'll see myself out.
  7. Why don't helicopters fly in the morning? Twirly.
  8. What do you call a flying nun? A bird? A plane?
    Nope, nun of the above
  9. I don't know why people are afraid of flying Most crashes happen at ground level
  10. How come Peter Pan is always flying? Because he Neverlands.
  11. What do you call a plane that flies backwards? A receding airline.
  12. What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
    I'm sorry.
  13. Why is ground beef so popular? Because the flying cows are really hard to catch.
  14. why can't a bicycle fly?... Because it's two tired!
  15. Flying the Confederate flag doesn't make you a racist. It's usually the other way around.

Time Flies Jokes

Here is a list of funny time flies jokes and even better time flies puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • JUST ANNOUNCED: Disney in talks of a Star Wars - Back to the Future crossover where Marty flies so far back in time (long, long ago) that he fuses with his car He becomes the ManDeLorean
  • Time flies when you're having fun, Measure spiders when you're not .
  • Time flies like an arrow, and fruit flies like a banana.
  • They say "Time flies when you're having fun"... I don't get it man, what's the best way to time a fly?
  • The first time Chewbacca tried to fly a ship, he pulled gear lever instead of break lever. A Wookie mistake.
  • What do frogs say? Times fun when you're having flies
  • My teacher once told me, "Time flies." I replied, "You can't, they're too fast."
  • How was it like, flying for the first time? "I think I did quite well. Everybody in the room was clapping", the second mosquito said.
  • One frog turns to the other and says... Time's fun when you're having flies!
  • I love using my wall clock as a frisbee... Time really flies by.

Biting Flies Jokes

Here is a list of funny biting flies jokes and even better biting flies puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus They say its bark is worse than its bite.
  • What flies around your light at night and can bite off your head?
    A tiger moth.
Flies joke

Fruit Flies Jokes

Here is a list of funny fruit flies jokes and even better fruit flies puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Q. Why was the fly so nervous at the fruit market? A. Because he was on a date.
  • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like the occasional vegetable.
  • What Did God Say to the Little Flies Be fruitful, and multifly!
  • They say time flies like the wind.. But fruit flies like bananas
  • What's the difference between fruit flies and time? Fruit flies like bananas, but time flies like the wind.
  • Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like the produce.
  • Time flies Some people say time flies like an arrow
    I tell them that fruit flies like a banana
  • They say time flies like an arrow... I guess fruit flies like a banana.
  • Why a fruit doesn't walk? Because fruit flies
  • What do you get when you cross a Celtic Britonic priest and a fruit fly? Druidsophila.
Flies joke, What do you get when you cross a Celtic Britonic priest and a fruit fly?

Uplifting Flies Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends

What funny jokes about flies you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean fly insect jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make flies pranks.

A woman walks into the kitchen...

And sees her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"Killing flies?" She asked.
"Yep, two males and three females," he responded.
"How can you tell?"
"Easy, the boys were on the beer and the girls were on the phone!"

How to Tell the s**... of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting Flies," he responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

So an old Nun goes to the gynecologist...

...for her normal check up. The doctor checks her out, and tells her the bad news. "Sister, I hate to tell you this, but you've got c**...." With a look of panic on her face, she says "That's impossible, I've never been with anyone! Can you look again?" Reluctantly, the doctor agrees to have another look. After a second check, the doctor looks up and says, "Sorry sister, they're not c**.... They're fruit flies, your cherry's gone bad!"

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband...

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?", she asked.
"Hunting Flies" he responded.
"Oh, Killing any?" she asked.
"Yup. 3 males. 2 females" He responded.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on the beer can, and 2 were on the phone"
*Incredible*

What's green and flies over Germany ?

Snazis.
This insanely corny joke brought to you by my Dad, circa 1990.
May he rest in peace!

How do you kill 100 flies?

s**... an Ethiopian kid in the face.

How do you kill a thousand flies...

Slap a Kenyan in the face.
Just heard it from a coworker...thought I share.

Bird Impression

A traveling sideshow puts up a help wanted ad. A guy gets all excited and applies.
The sideshow owner brings him in for an interview and asks, "Ok, what's your talent? What can you do for me?"
The guy says "I do a really great bird impression!"
The owner responds, "Pff, no thanks. Plenty of people can do that."
So the guy says "Oh..ok...well thanks anyway,' and flies away.

Hygienic!

Two girls were walking down the sidewalk on a hot summer day. They come upon this old lady sitting on steps in front of her house eating watermelon. They notice that she wasn`t wearing any p**.... So they ask her if its cooler without wearing any p**....
She said, "I don't know if it's cooler but sure keeps the flies off the watermelon.

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only two, but the real question is how they got in there.

A man goes up to the leader of a circus

A man goes up to the circus, and says to the leader of the circus "I can do great bird impressions." The leader of the circus says "That's nothing special, lots of people can do great bird impressions, so get out of here"
The man says "ok" and flies away.

Australians

An australian tourist flies to america. He is unpacking his bags in a hotel, rents a motorcycle and start driving. He goes 70MPH in a 40MPH speed limit roas, whan a cup is telling him to pull over. The police officer yells at him: "What is wrong with you, man?!?! Did you came here to die?!"
"No," the tourist said, "I came here yesterday"

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar...

... and each order a beer. As the beers are set down on the table three flies fly into the bar and land in the beer, one in each glass. The Englishman pushes his beer away and orders another. The Irishman blows the foam off the top of his beer along with the fly and drinks the beer. The Scotsman picks up the fly by the wings and says "Alrright ya wee bastarrd, spit it out."

What do you call a seagull that flies by the bay?

a bagel

A man hard of hearing flies to Indonesia to cure his arthritis...

He returns without luck, determined to give the doctor a piece of his mind, but the doctor corrects him: "I said that the most threatening inflammation was *in your knees again*.

What do you call an airplane that flies backwards?

a receeding airline.... bada boom! The little bros joke book is pure gold haha

How do you kill 100 flies in A second?

You slap an Ethiopian in the face.

How do you tell male flies from female flies?

After dinner a wife comes into the kitchen and sees her husband sitting at the dinner table with a fly swatter and asks what he is doing.
Husband: I'm killing flies. I already got two male flies and three females.
Wife: How do you know whether they are male or female.
Husband: Well, I got two on my beer and three on my wallet.

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but I have no clue how they got in there.

Two vampire bats are hanging from the ceiling of their cave...

... and one of them says he's hungry, so he flies off to find some food. Within a minute, he's back, blood all round his mouth, looking like he's had a really good meal.
The other bat is amazed, and says, "Where did you find so much blood so fast?"
So the first bat says, "Come with me, I'll show you." And he leads his friend to the mouth of the cave.
"See that big rock there?" He asks.
The other bat nods.
"I didn't."

What is born skinless, flies wingless and sings until it dies?

A f**....
*dedicated to my dear departed Grandfather who told me this joke almost 40 years ago when I was a kid.*

A lawyer opens his car door on the side of the road

as a car flies past and takes off his door. Stunned, he quickly looks around and spots a police officer nearby. "Officer, you saw that guy just hit my brand new Porsche, you have to do something!" The officer can't believe what he is seeing and shakily replies, "Sir, how can you lawyers be so materialistic? Do you not realize that your entire left arm is also missing?" The lawyer quickly looks at his left arm and yells, "No, my Rolex!"

I stopped at a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly-swatter. When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered:

'Yeah, three males and two females.' Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference. He said: 'Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.'

Gf just passed her driving test

My girlfriend had just passed her driving test so she drove me to town.
It was packed but we managed to find a space but she was nervous about doing a parallel park.
"I'm confident in you babe just do what you did in the test" I said
She slowly started unziping my flies.

Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter...

"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

How many house flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just the standard two, but I'll be d**... if I know how they got in there.

Job interview for a circus

A man is having a job interview for a circus. The interviewer asks: "What's your ability?"
"I can imitate birds"
"Look, I'm sorry but this is not the kind of things we are looking for"
The guy answers: "Fine, fine, thanks anyway", then he opens the window and flies away.

Science flies you to the moon

Religion flies you into buildings

A guy is lying on a field. There's a backpack lying on his back, and a lot of flies are flying around. What's in the backpack?

A parachute.

What is green, has 8 wheels, and flies?

A garbage truck

Two bats...

were in a cave thirsty for blood. One bat looks to the other and says, "I'm going to look for blood, stay here I'll be back".
He flies out of the cave and returns after a long time with blood dripping out of his mouth.

Excited, the other bat asks him "Where did you find so much blood??".
The other bat says, "you go out of this cave and turn left".
"Yes", replied the other bat, excitedly.
"Then you see a tree"
"Yeah"
"Well, I didn't".

Remember, flies transmit diseases

So keep yours up

What has 18 legs and catches flies?

A baseball team.

What kind of tank flies?

A Peter Panzer.

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only two, but its kinda hard to get em in there.

A bartender says "Hey! We don't serve faster-than-light particles here!"

A tachyon flies into a bar.

A group of scientists run an experiment on a frog

They teach it to jump on command by using flies as treats. Now when they say "Jump" the frog jumps.
Then they chop off one leg. They say "Jump" and the frog jumps in a crooked path. So far so good.
Finally, they chop off the other leg. They say "Jump" and the frog does not jump.
It has been concluded that frogs cannot hear without their legs.

Dave and John have a conversation

Dave: Are you a v**...
John: I was, until yesterday
Dave: I don't believe you
John: No, seriously, ask your sister
Dave: I don't have a sister
John: You will in 9 months.
*flies away snickering on his magic unicorn*

At the Bee Prom...

A young bee nervously flies around hoping to grab a dance with the queen bee. Finally he musters up the courage and talks to her. She looks at him and says "I'll dance with you if you get me some fruit punch"
Excited, the bee zooms to get the punch. He sees the line for nachos, the ice cream machine, the honey line, but after hours of searching he realizes...
There is no punch line

I was watching tv last night...

and one of those ads came on with one of those little black African babies covered in flies. I immediately grabbed the phone and called the number on the screen. I had to have one, they work so much better than those sticky strips that hang from the ceiling.

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2...but who knows how they got in there

Pigeon Droppings

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.
"Yuck!" yells the woman. "Get some toilet paper."
"What for?" replies the man. "He must be half-a-mile away by now."

A plane flies straight toward a mountain as pilot and co-pilot pull down on the control wheel with all their might

The pilot yells "We'll never make it over that mountain" the co-pilot looks at him and says "Not with that altitude."

Marriage is like flies on a windowsill...

Those on the outside want in and those on the inside want out.

Bird Impressions

A man goes to the circus and tells the talent recruiter that he would like to apply for a position. The recruiter asks what his talents are, and the man replies that he does amazing bird impressions. The recruiter tells the man he's seen a million bird impressions and is not interested. The man says, "that's too bad" and flies away.

What has aids and flies?

Africa.

Horrible joke

So a guy is in a bar when the woman across from him sneezes and her glass eye flies out. The man catches it and hands it back to the woman. The woman says "thanks" and then offers to buy him a drink.
The woman then offers to drive him home. On the way to his house, the man asks "Are you always this nice to men that you meet?" and she says "No, you just happened to catch my eye"

A Briton flies into Australia

and is asked by the immigration officer, Do you have any felony convictions?
The Briton replies, Sorry. I didn't realize that was still a requirement.

Spam in the Middle Ages

A prince is awaiting a letter from his loved one for three days and three nights. On the fourth day, a pigeon flies in and drops a letter on his lap. When he opens it he reads:
"Get your sword forged for cheap"

What has 6 sides and flies?

A box with flies in it

Western tourist in North Korea

So a western journalist goes on a tour of North Korea. He flies in to Pyongyang, an officially government licensed tour guide shows him around. He sees all the wonderful stores and streets that the city has to offer, and then finally he comes to the magnificent 30-story tall Kim Jong Un monument.
"Wow this is very beautiful, you must be very proud of it!" he said
his tour guide nodded— "yes, we must be very proud."

A nun is doing her rounds around town. . .

. . .when she turns the corner near a bar, only to collide with a mean-looking, stumbling drunk. The drunk flies into a rage, and punches her in the face. He then kicks her square in the gut, and begins to brutally pummel her head and face as she doubles over.
Within a minute, she is reduced to a quivering, sobbing mess on the sidewalk. The drunk spits on the nun, and sneers.
"Yeah. . .not so f**...' tough NOW, eh Batman?"

A German, Italian, And Irishman are sitting at a bar...

when 3 flies fly into the room and into the 3 drinks.
The German puts down the drink, and says "i cant drink this!'
the Italian takes out the fly, and says "that's good enough for me" and continues drinking.
The Irishman starts vigorously shaking the fly, and yells "SPIT IT ALL OUT!!"

What has 8 wheels and flies?

A dump truck

What has 10 wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.

My wife asked what I was up to in the kitchen with the fly swatter.,

I said, killing flies
she replies, killed any?
Yes , I said, 3 males & 2 females
Intrigued she asks, how do you know the s**...?
Well, easy, 3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone

What has four legs and flies?

A dead horse.

What has 4 legs and flies?

A dead cat

I'm so mad! I found out my grandfather clock is full of bugs.

I guess it's like they say, time flies.

A man goes to the circus

After the show he speaks to the manager and asks for a job.
"Alright, what can you do?", the manager asks.
"I can do great bird impressions", the man replies.
"Pssh, a lot of people can do that", says the manager.
"Oh well then", the man says and flies away.

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two; but how they got in the bulb is anybody's guess.

3 dinosaurs walk up to a shiny lamp

One of them rubs it, and a mystical blue genie flies out of it!
"Hello! I am genie! Since there are 3 of you, you each get 1 wish!
"I wish for a large piece of meat!" The first dinosaur said.
And so a large slab of meat materialized before his eyes and plopped down in front of him!
"I wish for a meat shower!" The second dinosaur said.
And so the genie made all different sorts of meats from different animals rain from a small cloud above the dinosaur's head.
Not wanting to be outdone by his friends the third dinosaur quickly tries to think of something better.
"I wish for a meatier shower!"

What is black and white and flies through space?

A cowmet!

Give a man plane tickets, and he flys for a day...

... but throw a man out of a plane, he flies for the rest of his life

Good pickup line.

Two male flies are buzzing around the farmyard when they spot a female fly landing on a fresh pile of cow dung.
The one fly says, "Wow, she is cute! I'm going to try to talk to her, wish me luck."
He swoops down, lands right next to her and says, "Excuse me Miss, is this stool taken?"

WHAT DO WE WANT?

Low flying plane noises!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Nnnnnnyyyyyyyyooooooooo...
\*ducks as the National Guard flies a helicopter over our heads\*

What do call a a black man that flies a plane?

A pilot you f*****g racist.

Two flies riding on a motorbike.

One says to the other: Stop! Stop! A bug just flew into my eye.

Translated from german: What's red, triangular and flies over the lawn?

A red triangle.
What's black, triangular and flies over the lawn?
...
The shadow of the red triangle.

Confucius once said...

"Buy a man an airplane ticket, and he flies for a day. Throw a man out of a flying plane, and he flies for the rest of his life."

Flies joke, Confucius once said...

jokes about flies