flicks Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious flicks puns

An American, an Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar. Each one orders a pint. Three flies land, one on each glass.

The American gags and pushes his drink away. The Englishman shrugs, flicks the fly away, and drinks the beer. The Irishman picks up the fly, shakes it up and down, and shouts, "Spit it out, fucker!"

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A husband has always insisted on having sex with the lights off...

One day the wife decides to turn the lights on during the act to finally see her husbands penis. She flicks the light on to see her husband using a dildo instead of his manhood and gasps. "What the hell is this? Please explain to me why you're using that?!"

The husband responds "I'll explain this after you explain the kids".

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An Englishman, and Scotsman and an Irishman were having a pint...

and a fly lands in each of their drinks. The Englishman, disgusted, pushes away his pint and leaves. The Scotsman flicks the fly out and continues to drink his pint. The Irishman picks up the fly, holds it over the glass and yells "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"

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A tourist was lost, wandering in the rainforest, when suddenly...

...he runs into some tribal warriors. In an attempt to scare them off, he decides to frighten them with his modern technology.

He whips out the bic lighter in his pocket and flicks it in.

"Wow!" Said one warrior to another. "I've never seen one of those light in the first try!"

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...

...they each order a pint. The Englishman gets his beer, looks at it and sees a fly in it. He immediately pushes the drink aside and demands a fresh pint. The Scotsman gets his drink and there's a fly in his. He calmly picks the fly out, flicks it aside and enjoys his drink. Finally, the Irishman gets his drink and there's a fly in his. He pulls it out, holds it by the wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you thief!"

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An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman walked in to a bar...

They each ordered a pint of beer. As the bartender served them up, a fly landed in each glass.

The Englishman looked down upon his glass and said "Pardon me, bartender, but there appears to be a fly in my beer. Perhaps might I have another?"

The Scot looks at the fly, flicks it off the top of his beer, and proceeds to quaff down the tasty beverage.

The Irishman grabs the fly by the wings, and screams "SPIT IT OUT YE LITTLE BASTARD!!! SPIT IT OUT!!!"

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An American, a Chinese, a Russian, a German and a Syrian passenger are on a train...

The American starts to toss legal documents out the train's window.

The German asks, "Vy are you doing zat?"

The American replies, "We have too much of these."

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Then the Chinese begins throwing rice out the window.

The German asks, "Vy are you doing zat now?"

The Chinese replies, "We got lay too much of that lice."

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The Russian then flicks dashcams and vodka out his window.

The German asks, "Vat's the matter vith those?"

The Russian replies, "They're too common where I'm from, comrade."

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The German looks at the Syrian guy.

#The Syrian guy, nervous, exclaims, "Don't you fooking dare!"

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An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman walk into a bar

An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman walk into a bar, and they all order a pint. A fly lands in each man's glass. The Englishman pushes his pint away in disgust. The Scot flicks the fly out of his glass and begins drinking. The Irishman grabs the fly from his glass, throws it down to the bartop and screams "Spit it out ya wee bastard, it's mine!"

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A Frenchman, an American, and an Irishman are in a bar

A fly lands in the Frenchman's beer and he says "Gross! There is a fly in my beer, I will drink no more!" and he pushes it away.

A few moments go by and another fly lands in the American's beer. He fishes it out, flicks it away, says "It's just a fly, no big deal." and continues drinking it.

Several more minutes go by and yet another fly lands in the Irishman's beer. He suddenly jumps up, picks up the fly and angrily yells "SPIT IT OUT YE BASTARD!"

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The world's greatest swordsman

A young man climbs a mountain to a ledge, where there sits an old man with a sword in his lap. The young man says, "I seek the greatest swordsman in the world."

Without a word, the old man draws his sword and flicks it in the air at a passing fly. The fly falls to the ground in two pieces.

The young man says, "Surely you are the greatest swordsman in the world."

The old man says, "No. Further up the mountain is a swordsman greater than I."

So the young man climbs up the mountain to another ledge where there sits an even older man with a sword in his lap.

The young man says, "I seek the greatest swordsman in the world."

Without a word, the old man draws his sword and flicks it in the air at a passing fly. The fly falls to the ground in three pieces.

The young man says, "Surely you are the greatest swordsman in the world."

The old man says, "No. At the top of this mountain is the greatest swordsman."

So the young man climbs up to the top of the mountain, where there sits an even older man with a sword in his lap.

The young man says, "I seek the greatest swordsman in the world."

Without a word, the old man draws his sword and flicks it in the air at a passing fly. The fly buzzes away.

"What's going on," the young man yells. "I thought you were supposed to be the greatest swordsman in the world. You couldn't even kill that fly."

"No," the old man says. "That fly is not dead. But that fly will never again father children."

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A thief

A thief climbs in through a ground floor window one night and starts looking for valuables in the sitting room when suddenly he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching you. " he shows hi flashlight around the room but upon seeing nothing continues his search. A few minutes later he heard the same voice say "Jesus is watching you. " he flicks on the light switch and discovers a parrot in the corner. The parrot says "Jesus is watching you." The robber replies "are you Jesus?"
The parrot says "no I am Moses."
The robber replies " who calls there parrot Moses?" To which the parrot replies " the same guy that calls his Rottweiler Jesus"

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a pint. Just then, a fly drops in each of their Guinness.

The Englishman says: "How dreadful. Barkeep, take this pint back at once, I couldn't possibly touch it, it has a fly in it!"

The Scotsman says: "Ach, it's nae so bad!" and flicks the fly out with the back of his hand and chugs his beer.

The Irishman gingerly picks up the fly by the wing, gives the fly a little wiggle and says: "You spit that out! You spit that out!"

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An Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are at a bar

An Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are at a bar, all having a beer.

A fly lands in the Englishmans beer, he pushes the beer away with a look of disgust and orders a new one.

A few minutes later another fly lands in the Aussies beer. He flicks the fly out and continues drinking.

Eventually a fly lands in the Scotsmans beer. He reaches in, pulls it out and holds it over his glass, hitting the back of it and starts shouting "Spit it out ya little bastid!"

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An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman walk into a bar.

They each order a Guinness. As soon as their beers are served three flies come along and one drops in each beer.

The Englishman looks at his, goes "blech!", and pushes the beer away.

The Scot looks at his, shrugs, fishes out the fly, and drinks his Guinness.

The Irishman fishes his fly out and flicks it repeatedly yelling "spit it out you dirty bastard! Spit it out!"

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A Very Short Man

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks "He can drink?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink."

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"

The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor!"

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A joke..

Husband has been with his wife for a number of years. Whenever the occasion comes about that they are to have sex, the husband gets up and turns off the light. This goes on and on for quite a while. Finally one night it becomes to much for the wife, and whilst they're having sex, she flicks on a light. To her surprise the Husband is using a cucumber instead of his penis. "My God" says the wife, "have you been using a cucumber to fuck me all these years?" The husband pauses then says, "I'll explain this if you explain the kids."

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Disgusting joke

This guy gets released from jail. The first thing he wants to do is eat some pussy, he loves mowin pussy. So he takes what money he has and finds a hooker. They go back to a seedy hotel and he proceeds to devour her snatch. As he starts he finds a bread crum, but flicks it aside hardly noticing. Then he finds a noodle, and is a little worried, but he did just get out of jail so he proceeds to bury his nose. He finds a a chunk of hamburger. He can't just ignore this so he asks "What's wrong? Are you sick or something?" She replies " No but the guy before you was."

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An Englishman, American and Irishman walk into a bar.

All three of them order a beer. The Englishman sees a fly floating in his beer and calls the bartender over and demands a new beer. The American also sees a fly floating in his beer and just flicks it away and drinks the beer. The Irishman sees a fly in his beer also and picks it up and screams "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"

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So an Israeli and an Iranian are sitting under a tree...

A caterpillar falls on the Israeli, who looks at it in disgust and flicks it onto the Iranian. The Iranian pops it into his mouth and eats it without a second glance.

A few minutes later, another caterpillar lands on the Israeli. The Israeli turns to the Iranian and says, "Would you like to buy a caterpillar?"

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A Little Man

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks "He can drink?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink."

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"

The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"

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Three action movie stars are sitting in a bar

So, Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar, and Sylvester Stallone is like: "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says: "Don't you have any ideas?"

"Yeah, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers"

That's when Arnold trows himself in the conversation and says: "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!"

"And who will you be, Arnold?"

"I'll be Bach."

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Little Johnny and the Salesman

A salesman knocks on a door. A few seconds later the door opens. Little Johnny is standing there with a bourbon and Coke in one hand and lit cigar in the other hand.

The salesman looks at him for a second and then asks "Little boy, is your mommy here?"

Johnny flicks some cigar ash on the carpet, rubs it into the carpet with his shoe. Then he looks at the salesman and asks "What do you think?"

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So, two old ladies are outside on a bench smoking...

...when it begins to rain. The first old woman flicks her cigarette away, knowing it's going to be put out. The second of the old ladies reaches into her purse, pulls out a condom, cuts the tip off, and puts it over her cigarette. The first woman asks "What on earth is that?" "Oh, it's a condom, they're designed to protect your cigarette from the rain," the second replies.

Now the next day, the lady who tossed her cig went down to the drug store to pick up some condoms so she can smoke in the rain. She asks the clerk "Can you please sell me some condoms?" The clerk is confused as to why this old lady would need rubbers, but in the interest of customer satisfaction, he says "Sure, what kind would you like?" To this the old woman responds,"Oh, I suppose it doesn't really matter. Just make sure it can fit a camel."

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Paige finishes writing her biology dissertation and hands it in to the lecturer the following day.

He quickly flicks through it and realises something is missing.

"Where's your appendix page?"

"Easy", she says, and points to her lower abdomen.

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It's New Year's Eve and a snail comes into a bar...

He says to the bartender, "hey barkeep, pour me a cold one."

The bartender says "gross, a snail in the bar." He picks him up and flicks him out the window.

A year goes by, and it's New Year's Eve again. In the same bar, the same bartender is working.

The snail comes back into the bar and he says "what the fuck did you duo that for?"

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Jesus finally enters heaven...

He walks up to God, flicks his wrists forward flamboyantly and simply says: "Look dad, got my nails done"

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Porn flicks have some of the most disastrous writing

They always end on the climax.

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What are the most funny Flicks jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Flicks? Well, here are the best Flicks dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Flicks pick up lines to share with friends.

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