Delightful Fun Flat Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it's flat!
In the end, he came around.
How does a Flat Earther travel the world?
on a plane
A man comes home to his wife...
Upon entering their home he promtly asks her, "hey honey, do you want to play the r**... game tonight?", a flat and unenthusiastic "no" is her response, to which he replies excitedly "good sport"
What happened?
A passerby saw a man laid flat on the sidewalk in front of the local beauty shop and ran to offer assistance. As the man came blinking into consciousness, the passerby asked, What happened?
The man rubbed the back of his head and said, I don't know! Last thing I remember, my wife was coming out of the salon there and I said, Well, at least they tried.
I didn't want to believe my flatmate was stealing from his job as highway maintenance
...but when I got home all the signs were there.
Yo mama's like a brick.....
dirty, flat on both sides, and always getting laid by Mexicans.
Legs in the Air
Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said Little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming,"Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
My Girlfriend's Got A Puncture
My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."
"Oh John!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."
Why are girls like rocks?
You skip the flat ones.
A husband was in big trouble...
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
f**... arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.
What'll happen if a piano is dropped on a man?
He will B flat
You can explore flat sharp reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean flat dull dad jokes. There are also flat puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I just watched a movie about a y=x graph
The plot was a bit predictable
And a little flat
Good special f(x) though
My flatmates said I wasted my money buying a kilo of pasta..
..but I say it was worth every penne.
What do you get when you push a piano out of the second floor window of an elementary school?
A flat minor.
Who were the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims. Went through 87 stories in 10 seconds flat.
An old man is dying..
His grandson asks him, "papa.. What will happen to your body when you die?" the grandfather looks up weakly at him and says, "I decay...". Just then his monitor flat lines and the boy sat wondering why his grandfather didnt know what would happen to his corpse.
Two guys meet up at a high school reunion
They start talking about people from their past.
"Hey, remember that flat chested girl Sam?"
"Oh yea, how she doing?"
"I just saw her like 15 minutes ago and now she's like this" - He holds his hands in front of his chest, fingers curled in.
"Oh, she got breast e**...?"
"No, she's got severe arthritis"
A Scotsman moves to London
How's the flat you're living in in London, Jock? asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen.
It's okay, he replies, but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps b**... his head on the wall.
Never you mind, says his mother, don't you let them get to you, just ignore them.
Aye, that I do, he says, I just keep playing my bagpipes.
A flat earth conspiracist was boasting about how many people believe that the Earth is flat...
He said, We have supporters all around the globe!!!
What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner
A man is with his wife who's filling up their flat tire with air...
"Since when do you need to pay to fill up a tire?" says the wife.
"I don't know," replies the husband. "But I'm sure it has something to do with inflation."
I visited my friend in his flat
He told me to make myself at home. So I kicked him out. I hate having visitors
the flat earth society ...
... has members all around the globe
Did you hear the Flat Earth Society is really gaining ground?
They say they have members all around the globe now.
What do you get if you drop a piano down a mineshaft?
A flat minor
What does it mean when a man looks deep into your eyes?
it means that you are flat chested.
What do you call it when a piano falls on a kids head?
A flat minor
I told my gf the world was flat and she became angry with me
I told her she was my world and she got angrier
My wife said we needed to childproof our upright piano, so it wouldn't fall over on our toddler...
... I said that was a good idea, because I wouldn't want a flat minor.
Yo momma, she so fat...
there's people on the internet who believe she's flat, not round.
I was arguing with a flat Earth believer
We argued about how many members the flat Earth community had. He said "We have members all around the globe".
Flat Earthers
It's funny making a flat earth beliver angry, but if you push them over the edge then you're only proving them right.
Louis c**... helped me change a flat tire.
All I had to do was watch him jack it.
Earth can not be flat
Because if it was cats would have pushed everything from the edge
How do flat-earthers travel?
on a plane...
Did you hear about the Flat Earther who went skydiving?
He landed on a plane.
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
What do you get if you drop a piano down a mineshaft?
A flat minor.
What do you get if you drop a piano on a beehive?
B flat.
What do you get if you drop a piano on a Morris Marina?
An episode of Top Gear.
The Earth used to be flat,
but then they buried yo mama.
A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken.
The waiter says: Nothing special, we just flat out tell 'em they're gonna die."
My dad just called a family meeting.
Me, mum, my two brothers, my sister and grandma hurried into the living room and gathered round an IKEA box laying on the floor.
"Dad, it's some flat pack furniture, what do you need the whole family for?" I asked.
"Well, it must be these strange Swedish customs", he replies, "It says assembly required".
Two flat earthers die and go to heaven. At the pearly gates they have the chance to ask god any questions they want and get truthful answers, so one flat earther asks god "is the earth flat?" to which god answers "No."
The flat earther looks at the other and says "this goes higher than we thought".
Yo mama so fat...
When she was buried, the flat earthers announced the earth is not flat anymore.
A buddy of mine is one of those flat Earther's. He said he's angry and going to the edge.
I have a feeling he'll come around.
A Guy walks in an Irish Pub
I guy on vacation in Ireland walks into a pub and says
"I hear you Irish can drink, I'll give a thousand bucks
to the guy who can drink 10 pints of Guinness in under 5 minutes"
Everyone is quiet but one of the Irishmen gets up and leaves.
In a few minutes the Irishmen walks back in and says
"Line me up 10 pints of Guinness" and he drinks them in 4 minutes flat.
As the guy is paying him the $1000 he asks the Irishmen
"If ya dont mind me askin, when you left earlier, where'd ya go"
The Irishmen says "I had to go to the pub next door
cuz I wanted to make sure I could do it"
A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven
A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven. God himself was there and told him he would be happy to answer any questions the man might have - about anything across the entirety of Space and Time.
So of course the man said - "Was I right? Is the earth actually flat?" and God chuckled and said "Of course not".
The man shook his head in disbelief, shaken to his very core, before murmuring "...this goes even higher than I thought..."
What do you get if you drop a piano on a military base?
A flat major.
The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
Flat earthers are very worried about the COVID-19 pandemic.
They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.
My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It's a little flat.
The real reason for the missing of many flat-earthers in recent weeks as suggested by their friends of similar thought
The Flat Earth Society has reported that the 6 foot social distancing measures have led to the pushing of some of their members over the edge.
The only thing a flat earther is afraid of
Is sphere itself.
Four college students get drunk together the night before their final exam.
They get so drunk that they wake up late and miss their exam. The four students go to the professor together and explain this elaborate lie that their car tire went flat when they were on their way to the exam. They beg for a retest, and the professor agrees.
The day of the makeup test, the four boys all arrive on time, completely sober. The professor looks at the boys, looks at his watch, and says you may begin the test.
The boys open the final booklet and to their surprise, they each only have one question.
Which tire was flat?
I just got kicked out of a Flat Earth Facebook group....
.... because I asked if the 1.5m social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet.
I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group.
I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing guideline has pushed anyone over the edge yet.
I just got my son a flat peice of cardboard for his birthday
I have no idea why he was so desperate for an ex box.
I was a flat earther for 4 years
Then I turned 5
I don't really care if the earth is round or flat.
Because it's pointless either way.
I bought my wife a pug recently
Despite the flat nose, ugly wrinkles and bulging eyes, the pug likes my wife
Some people just moved into the flat next to mine. Apparently, they listen to Metallica!
Whether they like it or not
What vegetable do you need when you get a flat tire?
A-spare-I-guess.
How do we know the earth is round?
Because if it was flat, cats would've pushed everything off the edge by now.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook groups
because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet.
Flat earthers are very worried about the pandemic.
They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.
C, E flat and G walk into a bar.
They ask the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, Sorry we don't serve minors here . E flat walks out while C and G have a fifth between the two of them.
My friend was so convinced of flat earth, he said he was going to Antartica to find the edge.
He came around eventually.
A flat earther dies and goes to heaven.
At the gates of heaven, St. Peter says to them, "Before you enter the gates of heaven, you may ask god one question."
The flat earther asks, "God, is the earth flat?"
God responds, "The earth is 100% a globe."
The flat earther exclaims, "Holy c**...! This conspiracy runs deeper than I thought!"
Why is it impossible for a flat Earther calculate the volume of the Earth?
Because there is always a rounding error.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat
What is a flat earther's least favorite flavor of gum?
Spheremint
I debated a flat earther once
he stormed off saying he'd walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.
He'll come around, eventually.
Me: The earth isn't flat
Me: The earth isn't flat.
Fiat earther: Correct.
Me: huh?
Fiat earther: It's shaped like an Italian car.
Me: what?
Fiat earther: You read my name wrong, didn't you?
The Earth's surface is 70% water.
That water is uncarbonated. Therefore, the Earth is flat.
I debated a flat earther once. He got so mad he stormed off saying he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.
He'll come around eventually.
The Earth is flat
Over 70% of its surface is water, and none of it is carbonated.
Why Don't We Have a Reality Show Where Flat Earthers Walk to the End of the Earth?
Because that would be edgy
I got out of my car, exasperated, and phoned my wife. I said, "Unbelievable...I was on my way to the bowling alley with my friends and my tyre went flat."
"Have you got a spare?" she questioned.
"Honey," I sighed, "I'm not at the bowling alley yet."
I had a debate with a flat earther. He said he'll walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.
I'm sure he'll come around.
Me: The earth isn't flat!
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it's the shape of an Italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn't you?
A Mechanical Engineer, a software engineer and a purchasing agent...
..are on their way to an industry event when their rental car gets a flat tire. The purchasing agent says
"We need to buy a new tire"
the mechanical engineer says
"no, I think I can fix this one"
and the software engineer says,
"let's drive on it for a while, maybe it'll fix itself."
What is the best proof we have that the world is not flat?
If it were, cats would have knocked everything off the edge by now.
The earth is 80% water. None of that water is carbonated.
The earth is flat.
If the earth really is flat
Wouldn't cats have pushed everything off the edge by now?
I saw a homeless man living in a tire today, so I popped it
Now he lives in a flat
Flat-earthers have heard their theory is spreading around the globe
They don't believe it.
My son has started an apprenticeship chef role at a Michelin starred Indian restaurant in London.
On his first day they showed him how to make the perfect Indian flat bread. He said he can't tell me the recipe though.
Apparently he had to sign a naan disclosure agreement.
Hey, have you heard of the guy with a completely flat face?
No?
I didn't think so, he likes to keep a low profile.
A blonde girl called Jenny came skipping home after school.
"Mommy mommy! Today in school, everyone else only counted to 5, but I counted to 10!"
The mom replies, "That's great honey!"
Jenny then asks, "Is it because I'm blonde?"
"Yes sweetie" says the mom.
The next day, Jenny comes home skipping and calling out "Mommy mommy! Today after gym class, everyone was taking a shower and had flat chests! While I had these!"
Jenny lifts her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's. "Is it because I'm blonde?"
Embarrassed, the mom replies, "No honey, it's because you're 24"
The Earth was flat....
...until they buried yo mama.
An old sailor once told me you could hear the calm before the storm.
He said it sounded like a C flat.
A guy gets into work late one day, clearly upset.
His co-worker asks him Hey Jim, what happened, man? Why are you late?
I got a flat on the way in. Cost me at least an hour dealing with it, Jim grumbles.
How'd you get a flat?
Eh, I ran over a bottle in the middle of a crosswalk.
In the middle of a crosswalk? Didn't you see it?
Nah - d**... kid had it under his coat.
