The Best 89 Flat Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Flat jokes. There are some flat crawl jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these flat flat tire puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Flat Jokes and Puns

My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it's flat!

In the end, he came around.

How does a Flat Earther travel the world?

on a plane

A man comes home to his wife...

Upon entering their home he promtly asks her, "hey honey, do you want to play the rape game tonight?", a flat and unenthusiastic "no" is her response, to which he replies excitedly "good sport"

Flat joke, A man comes home to his wife...

So A flat walks into a bar . . .

And the bartender looks up and says, "G you're looking sharp."

What happened?

A passerby saw a man laid flat on the sidewalk in front of the local beauty shop and ran to offer assistance. As the man came blinking into consciousness, the passerby asked, What happened?

The man rubbed the back of his head and said, I don't know! Last thing I remember, my wife was coming out of the salon there and I said, Well, at least they tried.


I didn't want to believe my flatmate was stealing from his job as highway maintenance

...but when I got home all the signs were there.

Yo mama's like a brick.....

dirty, flat on both sides, and always getting laid by Mexicans.

Flat joke, Yo mama's like a brick.....

Legs in the Air

Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said Little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming,"Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

What do you call a feminist with a flat tire?

Stranded.

A Moment of Silence

Let's all spare a few moments of silence for the man who told his wife he was going to China on that Malaysian flight no MH. 370 and now can't come out of his girlfriend's flat.

My Girlfriend's Got A Puncture

My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."

"Oh John!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."

You can explore flat sharp reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean flat dull dad jokes. There are also flat puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Fella rescued a damsel in distress.

Fella was heading home when he saw a lady beside the road with a flat tire. Being kind hearted, Fella stopped to change the tire for her. Lady was so thankful she invited Fella back to her place for a thank you drink. One thing lead to another and soon they were in the sack together. He realized the time and jumped up with a start. Running around getting his clothes on, he said, "What am I going to tell my wife?" "Wait, do you have any baby powder" he asked. "Certainly" she replied. He dusted his hands with the powder and headed home.
Walking in the door, he was greeted by his wife demanding to know where he had been. So he told her the truth, how he had stopped to change a woman's tire then wound up spending the afternoon in bed with her.
His wife looked at him for a moment, then grabbed his hands looking at them. She screamed at him, "You SOB, you spent the day playing pool again, didn't you?"

Why are girls like rocks?

You skip the flat ones.

A husband was in big trouble...

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

What'll happen if a piano is dropped on a man?

He will B flat

I just watched a movie about a y=x graph

The plot was a bit predictable

And a little flat

Good special f(x) though

Flat joke, I just watched a movie about a y=x graph

My flatmates said I wasted my money buying a kilo of pasta..

..but I say it was worth every penne.

Emergency flashers

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my cardboard cutouts. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody tooted their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.

He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.

"Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!

Last week I got a vibrator stuck inside of me so I went to the doctors...

...this morning when the batteries went flat


What do you get when you push a piano out of the second floor window of an elementary school?

A flat minor.

Who were the fastest readers in the world?

9/11 victims. Went through 87 stories in 10 seconds flat.

An old man is dying..

His grandson asks him, "papa.. What will happen to your body when you die?" the grandfather looks up weakly at him and says, "I decay...". Just then his monitor flat lines and the boy sat wondering why his grandfather didnt know what would happen to his corpse.

A Scotsman moves to London

How's the flat you're living in in London, Jock? asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen.

It's okay, he replies, but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head on the wall.

Never you mind, says his mother, don't you let them get to you, just ignore them.

Aye, that I do, he says, I just keep playing my bagpipes.

A flat earth conspiracist was boasting about how many people believe that the Earth is flat...

He said, We have supporters all around the globe!!!

What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat miner

A man is with his wife who's filling up their flat tire with air...

"Since when do you need to pay to fill up a tire?" says the wife.

"I don't know," replies the husband. "But I'm sure it has something to do with inflation."

I visited my friend in his flat

He told me to make myself at home. So I kicked him out. I hate having visitors

I've just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday.

I guess I'll never know why he so badly wanted an ex box.

the flat earth society ...

... has members all around the globe

Did you hear the Flat Earth Society is really gaining ground?

They say they have members all around the globe now.

What do you get if you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

A flat minor

What does it mean when a man looks deep into your eyes?

it means that you are flat chested.

What do you call it when a piano falls on a kids head?

A flat minor

I told my gf the world was flat and she became angry with me

I told her she was my world and she got angrier

My wife said we needed to childproof our upright piano, so it wouldn't fall over on our toddler...

... I said that was a good idea, because I wouldn't want a flat minor.

Yo momma, she so fat...

there's people on the internet who believe she's flat, not round.

I was arguing with a flat Earth believer

We argued about how many members the flat Earth community had. He said "We have members all around the globe".

Flat Earthers

It's funny making a flat earth beliver angry, but if you push them over the edge then you're only proving them right.

Louis CK helped me change a flat tire.

All I had to do was watch him jack it.

Earth can not be flat

Because if it was cats would have pushed everything from the edge

How do flat-earthers travel?

on a plane...

Did you hear about the Flat Earther who went skydiving?

He landed on a plane.

What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?

A flat major.

What do you get if you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

A flat minor.

What do you get if you drop a piano on a beehive?

B flat.

What do you get if you drop a piano on a Morris Marina?

An episode of Top Gear.

The Earth used to be flat,

but then they buried yo mama.

A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken.

The waiter says: Nothing special, we just flat out tell 'em they're gonna die."

Four high school kids who carpooled together decided to skip school and spend the day fishing.

The next day they told the teacher that they had had a flat tire, and couldn't make it to class.

Much to their relief, she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a pop quiz yesterday, so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down.

Once they were seated and ready, she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?" 

My dad just called a family meeting.

Me, mum, my two brothers, my sister and grandma hurried into the living room and gathered round an IKEA box laying on the floor.

"Dad, it's some flat pack furniture, what do you need the whole family for?" I asked.

"Well, it must be these strange Swedish customs", he replies, "It says assembly required".

The woman's husband is crying in the corner

The woman goes up to her husband and asks what is wrong

The husband replies crying: I'm upset because the world is flat

The woman confused tells him that the world isn't flat

The husband tells her: you are my world

Two flat earthers die and go to heaven. At the pearly gates they have the chance to ask god any questions they want and get truthful answers, so one flat earther asks god "is the earth flat?" to which god answers "No."

The flat earther looks at the other and says "this goes higher than we thought".

Yo mama so fat...

When she was buried, the flat earthers announced the earth is not flat anymore.

A buddy of mine is one of those flat Earther's. He said he's angry and going to the edge.

I have a feeling he'll come around.

A Guy walks in an Irish Pub

I guy on vacation in Ireland walks into a pub and says
"I hear you Irish can drink, I'll give a thousand bucks
to the guy who can drink 10 pints of Guinness in under 5 minutes"
Everyone is quiet but one of the Irishmen gets up and leaves.
In a few minutes the Irishmen walks back in and says
"Line me up 10 pints of Guinness" and he drinks them in 4 minutes flat.
As the guy is paying him the $1000 he asks the Irishmen
"If ya dont mind me askin, when you left earlier, where'd ya go"
The Irishmen says "I had to go to the pub next door
cuz I wanted to make sure I could do it"

Did you hear about the guy who tried to prove the Earth was flat by walking to the edge?

He finally came around.

Flat Earth theory debunked

We can say with certainty that the Earth is not flat because if it was cats would have tossed everything off the edge already.

Want to know how I KNOW the Earth isn't flat?

Cats would've pushed everything off the edge by now.

Flat Earthers say we've never truly seen real pictures of the earth

but I've never seen my dad and I know he's real

A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven

A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven. God himself was there and told him he would be happy to answer any questions the man might have - about anything across the entirety of Space and Time.
So of course the man said - "Was I right? Is the earth actually flat?" and God chuckled and said "Of course not".

The man shook his head in disbelief, shaken to his very core, before murmuring "...this goes even higher than I thought..."

What do you get if you drop a piano on a military base?

A flat major.

The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.

They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.

Flat earthers are very worried about the COVID-19 pandemic.

They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.

My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.

It's a little flat.

The real reason for the missing of many flat-earthers in recent weeks as suggested by their friends of similar thought

The Flat Earth Society has reported that the 6 foot social distancing measures have led to the pushing of some of their members over the edge.

The only thing a flat earther is afraid of

Is sphere itself.

Four college students get drunk together the night before their final exam.

They get so drunk that they wake up late and miss their exam. The four students go to the professor together and explain this elaborate lie that their car tire went flat when they were on their way to the exam. They beg for a retest, and the professor agrees.

The day of the makeup test, the four boys all arrive on time, completely sober. The professor looks at the boys, looks at his watch, and says you may begin the test.

The boys open the final booklet and to their surprise, they each only have one question.

Which tire was flat?

My sister told me this one

What is the similarity between girls and rocks?

The flat ones get skipped.

I just got kicked out of a Flat Earth Facebook group....

.... because I asked if the 1.5m social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet.

I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group.

I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing guideline has pushed anyone over the edge yet.

I just got my son a flat peice of cardboard for his birthday

I have no idea why he was so desperate for an ex box.

I was a flat earther for 4 years

Then I turned 5

I don't really care if the earth is round or flat.

Because it's pointless either way.

I bought my wife a pug recently

Despite the flat nose, ugly wrinkles and bulging eyes, the pug likes my wife

Some people just moved into the flat next to mine. Apparently, they listen to Metallica!

Whether they like it or not

What vegetable do you need when you get a flat tire?

A-spare-I-guess.

How do we know the earth is round?

Because if it was flat, cats would've pushed everything off the edge by now.

My flat-Earther friend said he would walk to the end of the Earth to prove his point. -

Eventually, he came around.

I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook groups

because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet.

A flat Earther goes to heaven.

A flat Earther dies while trying to fly in a homemade rocket and goes to heaven. There he meets up with God and says, "Oh Supreme Lord!! Tell me with utmost honesty. Is Earth round or flat ? "

God replies, "It is round, my dear child."

The flat earther thinks, " Wow ! This whole thing goes much higher than I thought."

Flat earthers are very worried about the pandemic.

They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.

C, E flat and G walk into a bar.

They ask the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, Sorry we don't serve minors here . E flat walks out while C and G have a fifth between the two of them.

My friend was so convinced of flat earth, he said he was going to Antartica to find the edge.

He came around eventually.

A flat earther dies and goes to heaven.

At the gates of heaven, St. Peter says to them, "Before you enter the gates of heaven, you may ask god one question."

The flat earther asks, "God, is the earth flat?"

God responds, "The earth is 100% a globe."

The flat earther exclaims, "Holy crap! This conspiracy runs deeper than I thought!"

Three notes walk into a bar....

C,G, and an E flat. The bartender says "I don't serve minors", so the E flat leaves and the C&G share a fifth between them.

TIL that MR T used to wrap victims in flat bread to torture them

He liked to pita the fools

I used to share a flat with 3 beautiful women.

Until they found out...

General approaches the Bugler

The General went to the company Bugler.

I understand that you're something of a composer. One of my senior officers has been run over by a tank, and I'd like you to write a funeral dirge for him.

No sweat.

What key will you compose it in?

It would be fitting to use A flat major.

Why is it impossible for a flat Earther calculate the volume of the Earth?

Because there is always a rounding error.

Dear Flat Earthers

What's on the other side of the disk?

Two blondes are looking at a flat tire.

One says to the other, how bad is it?
The other says, not bad it's only flat on the bottom.

If you have a flat, and need a lift

Are you a stranded american or a lazy brit.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the flat flat earth jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working flat flat head piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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