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Flashlight Jokes

80 flashlight jokes and hilarious flashlight puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about flashlight that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Flashlight Short Jokes

Short flashlight jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The flashlight humour may include short flasher jokes also.

  1. What's the difference between a flashlight and a fleshlight? One takes C batteries and the other takes D's.
  2. i once found a vampire in my hotel so i stabbed it with a wooden stake, shined my flashlight at it and threw holy water at it. died instantly. still don't know why it had a bucket of candy tho.
  3. My car broke down the other day and I tried to remember everything my dad taught me growing up all I knew was point the flashlight there .
  4. So the batteries in my flashlight ran out... You'd think I'd be sad, but really I was delighted.
  5. It is during our darkest moments... That we need to replace the batteries of the flashlight
  6. Studies show people who carry tactical knives with flashlights are less confident guessers. They never take a stab in the dark.
  7. Android lets you use "Lumos" for the flashlight, "Silencio" for the notifications... but not "Incendio". That is a Samsung exclusive.
  8. Last night , A man best his wife with a flashlight outside the bar I work at He's being charged with assault and the flashlight is being charged with battery...
  9. Why does a Belgian take a stone and a flashlight to bed? The stone to throw the lights out, the flashlight to check if the lights are really out
  10. A scientist drops a pig and a flashlight from a 20 storey building He watches as both hit the ground at the same time.
    With this he concluded pigs move at the speed of light.

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Flashlight One Liners

Which flashlight one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with flashlight? I can suggest the ones about signal light and light bulb.

  1. How many Congressmen does it take to change a light bulb?
    Better buy a flashlight
  2. The batteries in my flashlight died I was delighted
  3. Someone stole my flashlight. I'm not annoyed. I'm delighted.
  4. Whats the best flashlight ? discord light mode
  5. Why did the flashlight need a lawyer Cause it was charged with battery
  6. Why did the flashlight go to jail? Because he was charged with battery.
  7. How does Kanye make Kim Kardashian's eyes twinkle? He shines a flashlight in her ear.
  8. I always carrying a flashlight when I'm spelunking Just in caves
  9. Why can't you use RAM as a flashlight? It's SO-DIMM.
  10. I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died... ...but I was delighted
  11. I just spent 15 seconds looking for my phone With my flashlight app.
  12. How much does a flashlight weigh? I dunno, but its probably light.
  13. How do you make blond's eyes shine? Just put flashlight to her ear and turn it on.
  14. Solar flares are a myth... it's really Chuck Norris' flashlight.
  15. Why did the little boy bury his flashlight? Because the batteries died.

Flashlight joke

Comical Puns & Laughs: Enjoy Fun, Witty Flashlight Jokes with Friends.

What funny jokes about flashlight you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean street light jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make flashlight pranks.

Q: Did you hear about the new blonde-made Inventions?
A: Solar Powered Flashlights, Helicopter Ejection Seats, and the Submarine Screen Door.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ears.

Two blondes were running from the cops as they had just been caught sneeking over the border into Mexico.
They dashed up to a fence and climbed over it, lights and sirens running behind them.
As they arrived on the other side, they came face to face with a long river.
One blonde said to the other. "Here I'll shine this flashlight over the water and you can walk accross the beam of light."
The other said: "What do you think I am, s**...!? I'll get halfway accross and you'll turn it off!"

Yo momma so s**... she bought a solar-powered flashlight!

The sun is Chuck Norris's pocket flashlight.

Prisoners attempt to escape from jail.

The first one throws a rope to the top of the fence, and quietly climbs to the top. But before his cellmate can do the same, the rope breaks.
"How will I get out now?" The unfortunate prisoner asks. The other one pulls out a flashlight.
"Don't worry," he replied, "I'll shine the light down and you can climb up the beam of light."
"Do you really think I'm that s**...?" He asked, "You'll turn it off when I'm halfway to the top!"

Blonde Inventions

The water-proof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlight
Submarine screen door
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart board
A dictionary index
Powdered water
Pedal powered wheel chair
Water proof tea bags
Zero proof alcohol
Reusable ice cubes
Skinless bananas
Do it yourself roadmap

Jesus knows you're here

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shines his flashlight around the house looking for valuables when a voice in the dark says "Jesus knows you're here." Freaked out, he turns his flashlight off and freezes, but hears nothing more so shakes his head and continues. As he is disconnecting cables from the TV, he hears very clearly "Jesus is watching you." Startled, he shines his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice. In the corner of the room he spots a Parrot. "Did you say that?" he asks. "Yes," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you." The burglar laughs a bit, "warn me huh? Who in the world are you!" "Moses." The bird replies. With a now humorous tone, the burglar asks "What kind of person would name a bird Moses?" The bird replies "the same kind of people who would name a rottweiler Jesus."

So a man was going blind.

He goes to the the doctor and pleads,
"Doctor you have to help, I think I'm going blind!"
the doctor leans in with his little flashlight and says,
"Mmhm, I'm going to need you to stop m**...."
the man cries out,
"But why??"
the doctor simply says,
"Because I'm trying to give you an eye exam."

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are running from the police....

.... they run into a barn to hide. The brunette hides behind a stall of cows, the redhead hides in the goat pen, and the blonde hides behind bags full of potatoes. The police come in and shine their flashlights on the cows. The brunette says "MOO!" and the police shine their lights on the goats. The redhead says "BAHH!", so the police move on to the potatoes. They shine their lights on them and the blonde says "POTATOES!!!"

Two drunk idiots are sitting on top of a building...

Staring at the moon, one of 'em says, "Give me your flashlight, I'll turn it on, aim it at the moon and then you go climb up to the moon using the beam."
"No! You idiot! What if you turn it off when I'm midway!"
(English, not my native language, apologies.)

Mental patients

Two mental patients escaped from the mental hospital but had to cross a river to continue there journey. One patient said to the other: I have a Flashlight as he pointed it across the river and said: you run across the beam of light! the other patient said: Do you think I am s**......I will get half way across and you will turn the flashlight off.

A baby fettuccine was scared of the dark...

He ran to his dad. His dad went to his sons room with a flashlight. he looked under the bed, saw nothing and said, "see, buddy? there's nothing to be alfredo."

A man is walking home late at night when he hears a woman's voice….

...from the shadow call out, Twenty bucks?
The man takes the mystery woman up on the offer. They've been going at it for a few minutes when a police officer points his flashlight at them and demands to know what's going on.
Do you mind? I'm making love to my wife, replies the man.
Sorry, says the cop, I didn't know.
The man replies, Neither did I, until you turned on the flashlight.

If you ever see a troll fighting a gargoyle

*break* *them* *up* with a flashlight

A curvy blonde walks into a drugstore

She asks the clerk, "Can you show me where the flashlight batteries are?".
The clerk says, "Sure." and wiggled his fingers at her in a come-hither gesture. "Come this way", he continued.
She replied "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need the flashlight batteries."

Oh, so you don't know how bright this flashlight is?

Let me enlighten you.

s**...

A h**...'s Angel is doing the deed with his girl in the back seat of a car. He hears a tap-tap-tap on the window, looks up, sees a flashlight shine on a badge and then into the back seat, and a gravely voice say, "I'm next."
He starts quivering and shaking, and his girl asks him what is the matter.
He says, "I never done it with a cop!"

I accidently bought a fleshlight instead of a flashlight.

When the power went out I was s**....

A man walks up to a German clock maker

The man tells him, "My clock just goes tik, tik, tik, it never goes tok!"
The German clock maker holds a flashlight up to the clock and yells "VE HAVE VAYS OF MAKING YOU TOK!"

I stopped smoking w**... the day after I spent 30minutes looking for my phone under the bed...

....while using my phone's flashlight

I met an squirrel at the bus stop

He was standing there with 2 flashlights.
I asked him why he had them with him.
"To scare away the wolfs", he said.
"But, we are in the middle of the city, there are no wolfs here..."
"Told you it works!"

Carry A Flashlight

A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida.
"Is it true," the tourist asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
"That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."

Two friends are in a psych ward....

....when one pulls out a strong flashlight and points it at the ceiling, flicking it on and off in their dark room. The man says to his friend, Hey, why don't you try climbing the light?
The friend goes, Do you think I'm an idiot? You'll just flick it off when I'm halfway up.
-My grandma last night

A close friend asked me what I wanted for my Birthday but I don't think he ever listens.

For some reason, he got me a flashlight and subscription to lawn magazine

What do a flashlight and a frequent masturbator have in common?

They both come in hand in the dark!

Trump lysol joke

President Trump is completely right about coronavirus treatment.
If you eat chloroquine phosphate, drink a pint of Chlorox, shoot-up rubbing alcohol, shove a flashlight up your a**..., and c**... on a tanning bed, you will never get Covid-19

PresidentTrump is completely right about coronavirus treatment.

If you eat chloroquine phosphate, drink a pint of Chlorox, shoot-up rubbing alcohol, shove a flashlight up your a**..., and c**... on a tanning bed, you will never get Covid-19.

Two flashlights are sitting in a jail cell. One says to the other, what're you in for?

The other replies I'm charged with battery

A New Gadget

Bob came home looking utterly wretched and buried his head in his hands.
I've been sacked, he told his wife.
After 35 years of doing the same job, day in, day out, I have been replaced by an electronic gadget the size of a flashlight.
And the awful thing is, he continued, I can't fault it. It can do everything I can do, and do it better, and it will never wear out!
Bob looked up for comfort but his wife had gone. She was down at the shops looking to buy one.

What did the flashlight say to the darkness?

**"Lighten up."**

A cop sees a car swerving around as it goes down the road and pulls it over.

At the wheel, he finds a priest. So the cop shines a light in the car and asks him, have you been drinking, father?
The priest says, Just water.
The cop moved his flashlight to the passenger seat and saw an empty bottle of wine. The priest looks at it and cries out, Good Lord, He's done it again!

Jesus is watching you

A burglar breaks into a dark house one night. He's moving around in the dark, when he hears a calm voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
The burglar freaks out, shines his flashlight around and spots a Parrot sitting in his cage. The parrot says again, "Jesus is watching you."
Relieved it was just a Parrot, and laughing, the thief asks the Parrot, "what's your name, Parrot?"
The Parrot replies, "My name is Moses."
Laughing again, the burglar asks, "Who would name their Parrot Moses?"
Parrot: "The same people who named their Doberman, Jesus."

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth paying to replace so many devices!"

"Then why are Androids so much cheaper?", asked the journalist.

"Because," said Tim Cook, "an Android replaces just one device. The iPhone."

A robber decides to rob a house.

He comes in silently, doesn't turn on any lights, and starts to look for the valuables. In one room, he suddenly hears a voice say I can see you! And Jesus can see you too! The robber looks around frantically in the dark, when he hears the same voice, again say I can see you! And Jesus can see you too! The robber takes out his flashlight, and turns it on to see a parrot. He breathes a sigh of relief, and taunts by saying You're just a parrot. What are you going to do? The parrot responds I may be just a parrot, but Jesus is a Doberman.

Two guys are attempting an escape from an insane asylum

Eventually they escape the main building but there are walls around the encampment so they get to a roof to get over the wall, they look at the gap between the roof and the wall and decide it's too dangerous. the first guy says,
Alright, we can't jump across so I'll just shine my flashlight over to the other side and you can walk across the light
The second guy looks at the first guy baffled by what he just said, he replies
What?? Do you think I'm s**... or something?… You'll just turn the flashlight off when I'm halfway!

Just In Time

A cop was on night patrol driving up near lover's lookout when he noticed a parked car with a young man reading on the front seat and a young woman knitting on the back seat. He pulled over and walked up to their car. "What are you doing, Son?" the cop asked. "Reading," the young man answered. The cop shone his flashlight on the back seat. "And what is she doing?" "She's knitting," the young man answered. "How old are you?" the cop asked suspiciously. "I'm twenty one," the man answered. "And how old is she?" the cop asked. The young man looked at his watch, "In forty five minutes she'll be eighteen."

Old joke

Two mental patients were planning their escape from the psych ward.
1st guy: "Once we get to the roof, I'll turn on the flashlight, and you can slide down the beam of light."
2nd guy: "I may be crazy, but I'm not s**...! How do I know you won't turn the flashlight off?"

A walk in the woods…

A couple were on a blind date and they decided to take a walk in the woods. After some casual banter they started to feel more and more comfortable with each other and they started to feel a little frisky. They decided to sneak off the path into a dark grove of trees. After finding a good spot, they began making out and within a few minutes they were having s**....
After about 15 minutes, the man abruptly jumps up and says, d**... it, I really wish I had a flashlight!
The woman says, I wish you did, too – you've been eating grass for the past 10 minutes!

A burglar broke into a home…

He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.
Again, "Jesus is watching you."
He turned his flashlight around, and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking.
The parrot said, "Yes."
He asked the parrot his name.
The parrot said, "Moses."
The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name their parrot, Moses?"
The parrot replied, "The same kind of people who would name their pitbull Jesus."

Flashlight joke, A burglar broke into a home…

jokes about flashlight