fix Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious fix puns

"When one door closes, another opens", he said.

"That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."

Unfortunately, the site I got this joke from many months ago is now down so I can't give them the credit it deserve. But here's a different site with it anyway...


Half of men in America watch porn everyday.

The other half are waiting for Comcast to fix their internet connection.

*Thanks for the gold kind stranger.


My neighbor obviously doesn't watch porn.

She asked me come fix her sink, I been here for an hour and I'm still fixing the damn sink.


If your parachute doesn't deploy don't worry..

You have the rest of your life to fix it.


Kid: Waaaahhhhh! MY TOY IS BROKEN!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape can't fix.
Kid: mrnm... mmrm.. rnmr...


If I Cuold Time Travel

I would fix the title.


If you're ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open don't panic

You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it


How to use and 5 times in a row grammatically

A man owned a store called This And That and hired another man to make a sign for it.

When it was finished the owner inspected the work.

He discovered that the spaces were wrong so he said, The space between This and And and And and That is different. Please fix it


99 little bugs in the code...

99 bugs in the code. Fix one bug, compile it down. 167 little bugs in the code....sigh.


How do you fix a government....?

Try turning them off and then on again...


Three triplets in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up.

The first one says, "I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here."

The second one says, "I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here."

The third one says, "I wanna be a boxer."

The other two ask, "Why do you want to be a boxer?"

He replies, "So I can beat the hell out of that rude bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us."


Cardiologist and the Mechanic

A cardiologist's car breaks down and he goes to a mechanic to get it fixed. After everything is done, the mechanic asks the cardiologist,

"Here's what I don't understand. I fix engines, and so do you, albeit human ones, so why do you get paid ten times more than I do?"

The cardiologist then turns the ignition on and says, "try it with the engine running."


A shrinking man visits his doctor yelling, "Doctor! Doctor! I'm getting smaller and smaller and smaller!!!"

His Doctor replies, "Now now, I can't fix things right away, you'll just have to be a little patient."


I didn't think my doctor could fix my bowed legs.

I stand corrected.


Liquor probably won't fix your problems...

but it's worth a shot.


A penguin takes his car to the mechanic....

The mechanic tells him it'll take about an hour to fix. The penguin heads over to the 7-11 across the street to kill some time and have an ice cream. But because he has clumsy little flippers he gets the ice cream all over his beak.
When he goes back to the mechanic, the mechanic tells him, "well, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "no, that's just a bit of ice cream."


I bought my dog a new toy...

...but after a few hours it stopped working. I took it back to the pet shop to see if they could fix it. The guy looked at it for a second and said "I'm sorry, sir, but the hamster is dead".


How many hipsters does it take to fix a heater?

None. They did it before it was cool.


99 bugs in my code, 99 bugs in my code...

Take one down, fix em' around, 404 bugs in my code.


I asked a black man on the street if he could come fix my speaker set up, since he must be good at fixing electronics.

He told me I used the wrong stereo type.


A wife said to her husband, "You fuck like you fix things around the house."

"Expertly?" he asked.
"No," she responded. "Half done so I have to call the neighbor over to finish the job."


If you ever go skydiving and your parachute doesn't open don't worry

You have the rest of your life to fix it


Fix a man's computer, and he will be virus-free for a day.

Teach a man to fix his computer, and he will be virus-free for a day.


If a man says he is going to fix something he will.

There is no need for a women to ask every 6 months about it


How many programmers do you need to fix a light bulb?

None, it is a hardware issue!


3 steps to fix anything

1. Try duct tape, if that doesn't work, see 2

2. Try gorilla glue, if that doesn't work, see 3

3. Try J.B. Weld, if that doesn't work, C4


How do you fix a broken pumpkin?

With a pumpkin patch


What kind of Mechanics fix and break your car at the same time?

Quantum Mechanics.


Most Confusing Password

I was in a couple's home trying to fix their Internet connection. 
The husband called out to his wife 
in the other room for the computer password. Start with a capital S, then 123, she shouted back.

We tried S123 several times, but 
it didn't work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, I really don't know what's so difficult about typing Start123.


An electrician, a cobbler, and a mechanic

I asked an old man why he was sitting by himself in a bar. He told me, "If you replace a light bulb, it doesn't mean that you're an electrician. If you fix a shoe, it doesn't mean that you're a cobbler. And, if you change your oil, it doesn't mean you're a mechanic. But, if you fuck one goat..."

*edit - I derp'd (your vs. you're)


People are so unreliable

Waited in all day for someone to come and fix my broken doorbell, but they never turned up.


Teacher: "Billy, can you use the word 'contagious' in a sentence?"

Billy: "My dad said it will take that contagious to fix the fence."


Stephen Hawking diagnosed with erectile dysfunction.

It was easy to fix, they just uninstalled his pop-up blocker.


When one door closes another one opens

That's all well and good , I told the car dealer, but I'm not buying the car until you fix it!


How many software developers does it take to fix a light bulb?

none, its a hardware issue.


What are the most funny Fix jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Fix? Well, here are the best Fix dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Fix pick up lines to share with friends.

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