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Fix Jokes

100 fix jokes and hilarious fix puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about fix that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Fix Short Jokes

Short fix jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The fix humour may include short bug jokes also.

  1. how many Indians does it take to fix a lightbulb? Two. One to do the task and other to explain how lightbulbs were actually invented in ancient India.
  2. What's the difference between a Boy Scout and a guy who fixes bicycle horns? One's motto is 'Be Prepared', the other's is 'Beep Repaired'
  3. Kid: Waaaahhhhh! MY TOY IS BROKEN! Dad: Nothing a little duct tape can't fix.
    Kid: mrnm... mmrm.. rnmr...
  4. If you're ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open don't panic You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it
  5. 99 little bugs in the code... 99 bugs in the code. Fix one bug, compile it down. 167 little bugs in the code....sigh.
  6. If you lose your sense of smell due to Covid, here's a simple fix. Just reset to olfactory settings.
  7. How many therapists does it take to fix a lightbulb? Zero, they tell the lightbulb to fix itself
  8. I had a hunch that I wouldn't like the chiropractor, but he fixed my posture so... ...I stand corrected.
  9. 99 bugs in my code, 99 bugs in my code... Take one down, fix em' around, 404 bugs in my code.
  10. I asked a black man on the street if he could come fix my speaker set up, since he must be good at fixing electronics. He told me I used the wrong stereo type.

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Fix One Liners

Which fix one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with fix? I can suggest the ones about technician and remedy.

  1. Screw that clown from IT. Always joking around when he should be fixing my computer.
  2. My girlfriend says I'm hopeless at fixing appliances. Well she's in for a shock.
  3. If your parachute doesn't deploy don't worry.. You have the rest of your life to fix it.
  4. If I Cuold time travel I would fix the title.
  5. How do you fix a government....? Try turning them off and then on again...
  6. I didn't think my doctor could fix my bowed legs. I stand corrected.
  7. Liquor probably won't fix your problems... but it's worth a shot.
  8. I asked an electrician to fix the electricity in my house... He Re-fused.
  9. I finally fixed that annoying noise in my car. I opened the door and pushed her out.
  10. How many hipsters does it take to fix a heater? None. They did it before it was cool.
  11. Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed ? Everybody
  12. Ever been to a bulimic's birthday party? (fixed) The cake jumps out of the girl.
  13. If any of you can teach me how to fix a broken hinge... My door is always open.
  14. I ran into an old friend the other evening. Should have had the headlights fixed.
  15. How many programmers do you need to fix a light bulb? None, it is a hardware issue!

Fun-Filled Fix Jokes to Boost Your Mood

What funny jokes about fix you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean neurosurgeon jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make fix pranks.

"When one door closes, another opens", he said.

"That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."
Unfortunately, the site I got this joke from many months ago is now down so I can't give them the credit it deserve. But here's a different site with it anyway...

Wife asks her husband to fix the fridge. He replies "What am I, a repairman?" So she got their neighbor to fix it. She tells her husb "It's fixed. Our neighbor said he would fix it if I either slept with him or baked him a pie."

Husband laughs and asks "So what kind of pie did you bake him?"
Wife replies "What am I, a baker?"

A Mechanical Engineer, a software engineer and a purchasing agent...

..are on their way to an industry event when their rental car gets a flat tire. The purchasing agent says
"We need to buy a new tire"
the mechanical engineer says
"no, I think I can fix this one"
and the software engineer says,
"let's drive on it for a while, maybe it'll fix itself."

God and Canadians

When God made Canadians, he made them polite, peace-loving, and nice.
But the Devil said, "you are disturbing the balance of nature".
God thought about it, and said, "you are right. But I don't want to undo my work."
Devil: "well, there is only one way to fix this."
So God created Canadian Geese.

Professor: April, you are failing my class.

April: Oh, Professor. My parents will be so mad. I'm sure we can fix this. I'll do annnything to pass.
Professor: {gulp} anything?
April: YES! Anything you can dream up.
Professor: Will you…… study?

I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?"

I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."

How to use and 5 times in a row grammatically

A man owned a store called This And That and hired another man to make a sign for it.
When it was finished the owner inspected the work.
He discovered that the spaces were wrong so he said, The space between This and And and And and That is different. Please fix it

Cardiologist and the Mechanic

A cardiologist's car breaks down and he goes to a mechanic to get it fixed. After everything is done, the mechanic asks the cardiologist,
"Here's what I don't understand. I fix engines, and so do you, albeit human ones, so why do you get paid ten times more than I do?"
The cardiologist then turns the ignition on and says, "try it with the engine running."

A shrinking man visits his doctor yelling, "Doctor! Doctor! I'm getting smaller and smaller and smaller!!!"

His Doctor replies, "Now now, I can't fix things right away, you'll just have to be a little patient."

A penguin takes his car to the mechanic....

The mechanic tells him it'll take about an hour to fix. The penguin heads over to the 7-11 across the street to kill some time and have an ice cream. But because he has clumsy little flippers he gets the ice cream all over his beak.
When he goes back to the mechanic, the mechanic tells him, "well, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "no, that's just a bit of ice cream."

I bought my dog a new toy...

...but after a few hours it stopped working. I took it back to the pet shop to see if they could fix it. The guy looked at it for a second and said "I'm sorry, sir, but the hamster is dead".

On a flight from Dublin, Ireland to Boston, the chief flight attendant made an announcement...

"Due to a terrible mistake by the airline's caterer, there are only 80 dinners instead of the 225 required to feed all the passengers on board. To fix the situation, we are offering unlimited drinks to anybody who is willing to give up their meal".
Two hours before landing, another announcement was made. "There are still 80 meals available if anybody is hungry".

Fix a man's computer, and he will be virus-free for a day.

Teach a man to fix his computer, and he will be virus-free for a day.

If a man says he is going to fix something he will.

There is no need for a women to ask every 6 months about it

Whenever an ant gets injured, instead of helping, the rest of the colony just leaves it to die. It's like the old saying goes:

If an ant broke, dont fix it

3 steps to fix anything

1. Try duct tape, if that doesn't work, see 2
2. Try gorilla glue, if that doesn't work, see 3
3. Try J.B. Weld, if that doesn't work, C4

Most Confusing Password

I was in a couple's home trying to fix their Internet connection. 
The husband called out to his wife 
in the other room for the computer password. Start with a capital S, then 123, she shouted back.
We tried S123 several times, but 
it didn't work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, I really don't know what's so difficult about typing Start123.

Tequila may not fix your life.

But, It's worth a shot.

How do you fix a broken pumpkin?

With a pumpkin patch

What kind of Mechanics fix and break your car at the same time?

Quantum Mechanics.

People are so unreliable

Waited in all day for someone to come and fix my broken doorbell, but they never turned up.

Teacher: "Billy, can you use the word 'contagious' in a sentence?"

Billy: "My dad said it will take that contagious to fix the fence."

How many introverts does it take to fix a lightbulb?

Why does it have be a common task?

Stephen Hawking diagnosed with erectile dysfunction.

It was easy to fix, they just uninstalled his pop-up blocker.

When one door closes another one opens

That's all well and good , I told the car dealer, but I'm not buying the car until you fix it!

Did you hear about the kid born w/o an eyelid?

When they circumcised him, they used the extra skin to fix his eyelid.
The procedure went fine, he's a little cockeyed now though...

How many software developers does it take to fix a light bulb?

none, its a hardware issue.

I was given a single chance to fix an abacus

I better make it count

The optician just took my glasses from me to repair them. They said they can fix it in 5 minutes.

I can't see it happening.

Pentagon Contract

A contractor arrives home from Washington, D.C. and proudly tells his wife that he's gotten the contract to fix a cracked walkway into the Pentagon.
Two other contractors showed up to bid on the job, he explained to her. One was from Minnesota, the other from Tennessee. All three of us went to the Pentagon with an official to examine the cracked walkway.
The Minnesota contractor took out a tape measure, did some measuring, then worked some figures with a pencil.
'Well,' he said, 'I can do the job for about $9,000: $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'
The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.
The Tennessee contractor then did the same, measuring and figuring, and then he said, 'I can do this job for $7,000. $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'
The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.
I didn't measure anything. I just pulled the Pentagon official aside and whispered, I can do the job for $27,000.
The official was incredulous and said, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such an incredibly high figure?'
I whispered, '$10,000 for you, $10, 000 for me, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the walkway.

A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.
He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.
Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.
About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.
The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked
the monk replied "Religious reasons."
The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"
"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."

A man goes to audition for an anchor position at a local tv station


A man goes to the television station auditioning for an anchor position.
He sits down in front of the camera and begins, soon it is obvious that he has a terrible stutter, and hisleft eye continuously winks.
The producer says, "Thank you for your audition, we'll let you know."
The man says, "W-w-wait a moment, I c-c-can fix this."
He opens his breifcase, and about 200 condoms fall out, he digs deeper and pulls out a bottle of aspitin.
He take a single aspirin, and then re-reads his copy perfectly, his wink having vanished.
The producer is dumbfounded, and he says, "Thanks fantastic, but what's with the condoms?"
The man says, "This is what they give you if you stutter and wink and ask for aspirin at the pharmacy.

Depressed race car mechanic.

Scene: a psychiatrists practice:
'Doc, I'm a mechanic I work for a racecar driver. It's utterly depressing ... I get to fix his car up, maintain it, tune it to perfection. But never -not once- have I been allowed to take it for a spin. It's crushing a depressing to think that such a wonderful thing is out there purring, but I'll never get to enjoy it. ...'
'Well sir, I think I understand just fine, my brother in law has the exact same problem.'
'Is he a mechanic too doc?'
'No, a gynecologist'

When Microsoft and Apple ship faulty products

Microsoft: We will fix that faulty battery timer through a software update. *never fixes it though*
Apple: *quietly removes the battery timer*

My eye doctor told me he could fix my vision with witchcraft.

At least he's opti-mystic.

I asked an electrician to fix an electrical issue at my house

He refused

LPT: If your phone gets water damage, leave it in a bowl of rice overnight.

When you're sleeping, Asians will come to eat the rice and will fix your phone for fun

If I had a dollar for every time older people complained about millennials...

...I could fix the economy they broke.

I didn't believe my friend who told me yoga would fix my posture

I now stand corrected

There were two men in a prison in the USSR.

One asked the other: Why are you here?
The other answers: Political reasons.
He asks another question: What political reasons?
The other prisoner answers: I am a plumber, and I got called in to the party committee to fix their sink. And they asked what was the problem and I said: "The whole system is rotten, everything must be replaced!"

One day, Jack's lightbulb wasn't working

He called the electrician immediately and hoped he could fix it. The electrician tried his best, but could not make it glow.
After a while, the electrician said, "There is one last thing we can try". Desperate, Jack agreed to follow his instructions. The electrician then invited 10 people into Jack's apartment, and instructed them all to put their hands on the lightbulb.
Suddenly, the lightbulb started working! Jack was stunned, and asked the electrician, "How did you do that?!"
The electrician smiled and said, "Many hands make light work."

A old Jewish man goes to the doctors...

He says "Doctor I've got a huge problem."
The doctor says "What is it?"
He says "I keep getting these silent, smelly, gassy emissions I was with my wife and the Grossmans yesterday and it happened about 100 times during dinner and created a nauseous gas but it was silent so no one new who it was and then again on the bus this morning and even in your office now I must have had 20 of them, Do you have anyway to fix this problem doc?"
The doctor looks up and says "Well first off I'm going to send you to specialist."
The man interrupts him "What kind of specialist doc?"
"A hearing specialist!"

A parachutist is plummeting to Earth

Because her ripcord malfunctioned.
As she frantically pulls at the defective cord, she passes a man atop a stove traveling the opposite way.
She yells out to him, Hey, do you know how to fix a parachute!?
He replies back No! Do you know anything about repairing gas lines??

Who do you call to fix an atom?

A quantum mechanic

A farmer posted on his local subreddit that he was looking to hire help to fix his fence...

The farmer's wife asked him, Why would you look to hire someone from the internet? Surely they will not be up to the physical demands of lifting and setting these heavy fence posts!
The Farmer replied We need a professional, and I heard that there is no one more experienced than a Redditor at re-posting.

Knock, knock...

Who's there?
Amir.
Amir who?
Amir to fix your broken doorbell...

A joke originally told in Arabic

The doctor asks him what is that dreaming problem.
"Every night I go to sleep," the man says. "I dream of a soccer match between a team of elephants and a team of ants"
"Ok, take this medicine," the doctor says. "It will fix the problem."
The man refuses though and says:
"Can I take it tomorrow though? Today is the finals"

An old soviet joke.

In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes. What did they arrest you for? asks the first. Was it a political or common crime? Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven years.

How a phone recall works.

Samsung: Send us your exploding phone.
Microsoft/Nokia: A software update will fix that.
Apple: You are using it wrong.

why can't you put a Subaru in reverse?

Because then U R A Bus!
(Reposted to fix typo where I misspelled Subaru)

If any of you know how to fix broken hinges

My door is always open

I knew a kid in grade school who was born with deformed eyelids...

...So they took the flesh from his circumcision to fix his deformity. For the rest of his life he was c**...-eyed.

Duct Tape Won't Fix s**....

But it will gag the sound.

How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?

With a pumpkin patch.

My uncle always believed that "Between duct tape and WD-40 you can fix just about anything."

I still can't believe it took seven years before he lost his medical license.

What do you call something that only 9 or 11 can fix?

An untenable situation

In case your parachute does not open

You have a lifetime ahead of you to fix it.

How many dead babies does it take to fix a light bulb?

Someone please tell me, I have 23 in my basement and the light is still broken.

If your phone gets wet, try placing it in a bag of rice...

... at night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.

My boss asked me to fix the plug on his lamp...

I simply refused.

Did you hear about the brain implant that can fix s**...?

It's called a bullet.

My girlfriend doesn't think I can think fix the electric shower.

Well, she's in for a shock.

An Oxygen molecule go sees a doctor

"Doc, Im suffering from terrible cramps" says the Oxygen Molecule.
"That's an easy fix," says the doctor, "Just eat some Potassium and you'll be OK!"

How many dead children does it take to fix a lightbulb?

I don't know but it must be more than twenty because my basement's still dark.

Broken Window

Wife: You need to fix the bathroom window, then neighbor can see me every time I shower.
Husband; I know, he saw you and called me to tell me he's paying for the window repair.

jokes about fix