Fix Jokes

What are some Fix jokes?

"When one door closes, another opens", he said.

"That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."

Unfortunately, the site I got this joke from many months ago is now down so I can't give them the credit it deserve. But here's a different site with it anyway...

If your parachute doesn't deploy don't worry..

You have the rest of your life to fix it.

Kid: Waaaahhhhh! MY TOY IS BROKEN!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape can't fix.
Kid: mrnm... mmrm.. rnmr...

If I Cuold Time Travel

I would fix the title.

I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?"

I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."

If you're ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open don't panic

You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it

How to use and 5 times in a row grammatically

A man owned a store called This And That and hired another man to make a sign for it.

When it was finished the owner inspected the work.

He discovered that the spaces were wrong so he said, The space between This and And and And and That is different. Please fix it

99 little bugs in the code...

99 bugs in the code. Fix one bug, compile it down. 167 little bugs in the code....sigh.

How do you fix a government....?

Try turning them off and then on again...

Cardiologist and the Mechanic

A cardiologist's car breaks down and he goes to a mechanic to get it fixed. After everything is done, the mechanic asks the cardiologist,

"Here's what I don't understand. I fix engines, and so do you, albeit human ones, so why do you get paid ten times more than I do?"

The cardiologist then turns the ignition on and says, "try it with the engine running."

A shrinking man visits his doctor yelling, "Doctor! Doctor! I'm getting smaller and smaller and smaller!!!"

His Doctor replies, "Now now, I can't fix things right away, you'll just have to be a little patient."

I didn't think my doctor could fix my bowed legs.

I stand corrected.

Liquor probably won't fix your problems...

but it's worth a shot.

A penguin takes his car to the mechanic....

The mechanic tells him it'll take about an hour to fix. The penguin heads over to the 7-11 across the street to kill some time and have an ice cream. But because he has clumsy little flippers he gets the ice cream all over his beak.
When he goes back to the mechanic, the mechanic tells him, "well, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "no, that's just a bit of ice cream."

I bought my dog a new toy...

...but after a few hours it stopped working. I took it back to the pet shop to see if they could fix it. The guy looked at it for a second and said "I'm sorry, sir, but the hamster is dead".

How many hipsters does it take to fix a heater?

None. They did it before it was cool.

99 bugs in my code, 99 bugs in my code...

Take one down, fix em' around, 404 bugs in my code.

I asked a black man on the street if he could come fix my speaker set up, since he must be good at fixing electronics.

He told me I used the wrong stereo type.

If any of you can teach me how to fix a broken hinge...

My door is always open.

Fix a man's computer, and he will be virus-free for a day.

Teach a man to fix his computer, and he will be virus-free for a day.

If a man says he is going to fix something he will.

There is no need for a women to ask every 6 months about it

How many programmers do you need to fix a light bulb?

None, it is a hardware issue!

3 steps to fix anything

1. Try duct tape, if that doesn't work, see 2

2. Try gorilla glue, if that doesn't work, see 3

3. Try J.B. Weld, if that doesn't work, C4

How do you fix a broken pumpkin?

With a pumpkin patch

What kind of Mechanics fix and break your car at the same time?

Quantum Mechanics.

Most Confusing Password

I was in a couple's home trying to fix their Internet connection. 
The husband called out to his wife 
in the other room for the computer password. Start with a capital S, then 123, she shouted back.

We tried S123 several times, but 
it didn't work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, I really don't know what's so difficult about typing Start123.

People are so unreliable

Waited in all day for someone to come and fix my broken doorbell, but they never turned up.

Teacher: "Billy, can you use the word 'contagious' in a sentence?"

Billy: "My dad said it will take that contagious to fix the fence."

Stephen Hawking diagnosed with erectile dysfunction.

It was easy to fix, they just uninstalled his pop-up blocker.

When one door closes another one opens

That's all well and good , I told the car dealer, but I'm not buying the car until you fix it!

Did you hear about the kid born w/o an eyelid?

When they circumcised him, they used the extra skin to fix his eyelid.

The procedure went fine, he's a little cockeyed now though...

How many software developers does it take to fix a light bulb?

none, its a hardware issue.

Depressed race car mechanic.

Scene: a psychiatrists practice:

'Doc, I'm a mechanic I work for a racecar driver. It's utterly depressing ... I get to fix his car up, maintain it, tune it to perfection. But never -not once- have I been allowed to take it for a spin. It's crushing a depressing to think that such a wonderful thing is out there purring, but I'll never get to enjoy it. ...'

'Well sir, I think I understand just fine, my brother in law has the exact same problem.'

'Is he a mechanic too doc?'

'No, a gynecologist'

Triplets talking about what they want to be when they grow up

3 unborn babies are in their mothers womb talking about what they want to be when they grow up. The first one says "I'll be a plumber so I can fix this leak in here." The second says "I'll be an electrician so I can get some lighting in here." The third one says "I want to be a hunter so the next time that weasel sticks his head in here I'll blast it off.

(Can't take credit for this, heard it a long time ago)

When Microsoft and Apple ship faulty products

Microsoft: We will fix that faulty battery timer through a software update. *never fixes it though*

Apple: *quietly removes the battery timer*

A man goes to audition for an anchor position at a local tv station

A man goes to the television station auditioning for an anchor position.

He sits down in front of the camera and begins, soon it is obvious that he has a terrible stutter, and hisleft eye continuously winks.

The producer says, "Thank you for your audition, we'll let you know."

The man says, "W-w-wait a moment, I c-c-can fix this."

He opens his breifcase, and about 200 condoms fall out, he digs deeper and pulls out a bottle of aspitin.

He take a single aspirin, and then re-reads his copy perfectly, his wink having vanished.

The producer is dumbfounded, and he says, "Thanks fantastic, but what's with the condoms?"

The man says, "This is what they give you if you stutter and wink and ask for aspirin at the pharmacy.

My eye doctor told me he could fix my vision with witchcraft.

At least he's opti-mystic.

A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.

Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.

About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.

The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked

the monk replied "Religious reasons."

The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"

"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."

LPT: If your phone gets water damage, leave it in a bowl of rice overnight.

When you're sleeping, Asians will come to eat the rice and will fix your phone for fun

If I had a dollar for every time older people complained about millennials...

...I could fix the economy they broke.

Pentagon Contract

A contractor arrives home from Washington, D.C. and proudly tells his wife that he's gotten the contract to fix a cracked walkway into the Pentagon.

Two other contractors showed up to bid on the job, he explained to her. One was from Minnesota, the other from Tennessee. All three of us went to the Pentagon with an official to examine the cracked walkway.

The Minnesota contractor took out a tape measure, did some measuring, then worked some figures with a pencil.

'Well,' he said, 'I can do the job for about $9,000: $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'

The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.

The Tennessee contractor then did the same, measuring and figuring, and then he said, 'I can do this job for $7,000. $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'

The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.

I didn't measure anything. I just pulled the Pentagon official aside and whispered, I can do the job for $27,000.

The official was incredulous and said, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such an incredibly high figure?'

I whispered, '$10,000 for you, $10, 000 for me, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the walkway.

I didn't believe my friend who told me yoga would fix my posture

I now stand corrected

A old Jewish man goes to the doctors...

He says "Doctor I've got a huge problem."

The doctor says "What is it?"

He says "I keep getting these silent, smelly, gassy emissions I was with my wife and the Grossmans yesterday and it happened about 100 times during dinner and created a nauseous gas but it was silent so no one new who it was and then again on the bus this morning and even in your office now I must have had 20 of them, Do you have anyway to fix this problem doc?"

The doctor looks up and says "Well first off I'm going to send you to specialist."

The man interrupts him "What kind of specialist doc?"

"A hearing specialist!"

A parachutist is plummeting to Earth

Because her ripcord malfunctioned.

As she frantically pulls at the defective cord, she passes a man atop a stove traveling the opposite way.

She yells out to him, Hey, do you know how to fix a parachute!?

He replies back No! Do you know anything about repairing gas lines??

A Finnish Soldier...

In the winter war in 1945 is getting in line for a rifle. The man behind the counter says "sorry, the guy in front of you got the last one. Here, take this hockey stick, and if you see a Russian, point it at him and yell BANG!" The Finn finds this ridiculous but takes it, thinking he'll just fix a bayonet on the thing and fight like that.
As he gets to the bayonet counter, the guy in front of him gets the last one. Instead, he is given a piece of wood about six inches long with the instructions to yell STAB! every time someone is within arms length.
Feeling horribly unprepared, he heads out to battle with his platoon. Shortly, they become separated by snow and wind, and he is left alone with no weapon. A Russian comes over a snowdrift. Desperately, the man throws up his hockey stick and yells BANG! The Russian drops.
So he fights all through the day, yelling BANG and STAB at his will and dropping the enemy like flies. Late in the day, a huge Russian soldier comes plodding toward the man slowly. Feeling confident, the man fires his hockey stick to no effect. He tries a couple more times. Nothing.
Desperately, he throws his small piece of wood at the man, but it just bounces off. Suddenly, the earth around him explodes and he goes flying. Just as he is about to die, the Russian plods on by him saying under his breath "tank, tank, tank, BOOM!"

Government contracts

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how our government operates.

"Don't talk to the Bird!"

Jill's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the work top, and I'll send you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances,talk to my parrot! I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

When the repairman arrived at Jill's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

The Lawyer's Car

A lawyer had just bought a fancy new car, and was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it would never be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, "MY BENTLEY DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!"

"You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman.

"Yes, I am, but what does that have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.

"HA! You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, "MY ROLEX!"

An old soviet joke.

In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes. What did they arrest you for? asks the first. Was it a political or common crime? Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven years.

How a phone recall works.

Samsung: Send us your exploding phone.

Microsoft/Nokia: A software update will fix that.

Apple: You are using it wrong.

How I got my car fixed.

So I'm sitting on the side of the road, car broken down, when a guy pulls up to me. He gets out and asks if I need help. I said, "Sure, if you can fix it." He walks around back and kicks the bumper, slams his fist on the trunk, and twists the gas gap a bunch of times. Then he walks around to the side, opens the door, and slams it shut a few times, then pulls on the front handle for about a minute. He asks me to try it again, and sure enough it starts. I ask him, "Is it fixed?" He says, "No, I tricked the car into thinking it works again. I say, "Wow, you're not too bad of a bad mechanic." Confused, he says, "Mechanic? No.... I'm a Chiropractor."

This is for Robin Williams

A man goes to see a doctor. Doctor asks what seems to be the trouble. The man says, "Doc, I'm depressed. Simply, I can't sleep sometimes, I can't eat, I feel down and irritable most days. I just can't feel 'happy.'"

The Doctor says, "I've got the perfect fix for you. In town tonight is the great clown Pagliacci. He's hysterically funny and will make you laugh til you cry. You will experience a joy unprecedented."

The man bursts into tears. The doctor, confused asks why. "Doc, I *am* Pagliacci."

Robin Williams was legendary. He was also human. He had his demons and battled them all his life. I don't like that he's gone, but I understand what he's dealt with. RIP.

Lost Chapter In Genesis

Adam had been moping around all day in the Garden of Eden and God finally said, "Adam, what's up with all this moping?"

Adam told God that he was lonely. God said He could fix that, no problem.

In short order he could make a partner for Adam, and she would be called a "woman."

God told Adam that the woman would collect his food, cook it for him, and care for all his needs and wants. She would also agree with all his decisions and not question his authority as head of the family.

God also said that she would bear his offspring and and not bother him in the middle of the night if the kids woke up and started crying.

She would never nag him and would admit when she was wrong. She would also freely give him love and passion whenever he needed it.

Adam said, "Wow, that's a great partner! What is this woman-person going to cost me?"

And God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Adam thought for a minute, then asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

And the rest is history.

A man smashed his car into a tollgate.

He really totaled the booth, there was bits of wood everywhere. As he was wondering what on earth to do his friend happens to drive up and has a look at the damage.

"I've got some glue in my car that will fix this in no time" says the friend.

"No way" says the first man, "this booth is smashed into a thousand bits, you can't just glue something like that together."

"Just you watch me" says his friend and sets to work. After about 15 minutes he stands back and the tollgate is all fixed up, good as new!

"Wow, that sure is amazing, what type of glue is that?"

The friend shows him the tube of glue, it is Tollgate Booth Paste.

A woman driving through the desert runs over a Jack rabbit...

Distraught, she pulls over and begins to sob. Another driver pulls up, gets out of their vehicle, and asks what is wrong.

"Oh! I've killed that poor rabbit!" The woman exclaims.

"Don't worry about something so silly, I can fix this!" The other driver exclaims, then walls over and opens her trunk. She pulls out an aerosol spray can, walks over, and sprays the dead rabbit from head to toe.

After a moment, the rabbit twitches, gets up, hops a few feet, stops, then waves its paw at them. Over and over, as the recently forlorn woman watches in amazement, the rabbit hips a few feet further away, stops, waves, etc, etc.

"That's incredible!" The first woman says, "let me see that can!"

The second woman hands her the can. The label reads:

Aqua net adds new life and a permanent wave to damaged hair.

A priest, a rabbi, and an engineer are about to be guillotined...

When it's the priest's turn,
the executioner pulls the rope on the guillotine and the blade gets 1/4 inch away from the priest's neck before snapping back up. The priest is unscathed.

The crowd roars, "It's a miracle! Let him go!" And the priest goes free.

Then it's the rabbi's turn. The executioner pulls the rope on the guillotine and the blade gets 1/4 inch away from the rabbi's neck before snapping back up. The rabbi is unscathed.

The crowd roars, "It's a miracle! Let him go!" The rabbi goes free.

Just before they lead the engineer to the guillotine, he looks at it and says, "I can fix that!"

Duct Tape Won't Fix Stupid.

But it will gag the sound.

Hillbilly Ma says to her son,

"Jethro, I need you to fix the outhouse."

"What fer ma?"

"Jis go 'n hava look."

So Jethro walks out to the outhouse, opens the door, and looks, "I don't see nothin wrong here ma," he says.

"Look closer," says Ma. Jethro moves into the outhouse.

"Still don't see nuthin," he says.

"Stick yer head in the hole."

"But, Ma."

"Jis do it." Of course Jethro knows better than to disobey his ma, so he sticks his head into the hole.

Then he hollers, "Oww, Ma, my beard's stuck."

"Aggravating isn't it?"


A newlywed couple moves into their new house.

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"

The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

He says, "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"

Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"

He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"

The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says.

"Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.

"What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

I knew a kid in grade school who was born with deformed eyelids...

...So they took the flesh from his circumcision to fix his deformity. For the rest of his life he was cock-eyed.

"What do I look like?"

A man comes home from work and is greeted by his wife.
"Honey, my car got a flat, can you fix it for me?"
"What do I look like", He asks "The michelin tire guy? Get me a beer." And goes and watches TV/

The next day his wife greets him again after work.
"Honey, the dishwasher is on the fritz. Can you take a look at it?" She asks.
"What do I look like? The Maytag repair guy?" He asks roughly. "Get me a beer." And goes to watch TV.

The third day the man comes home and his wife greets him.
"Honey, it's the greatest thing. John from next door came over and fixed the dishwasher AND my flat tire. All I had to do was bake him a cake or sleep with him." She tells him.
"Oh, what kind of cake did you bake?" The husband asks.
The wife replies, "What do I look like, Betty Crocker?"

A guy walks into a watch store with his broken watch

A guy walks into a watch store with his broken watch and asks the owner if he could fix his watch.

"We don't fix watches." the owner replied.

"Well... Can I buy a new watch?" asks the man.

"We don't sell watches either."

"You don't fix watches, and you don't sell watches, yet you have watches in the shop window." the man said with a surprised tone.

"That's correct."

"So what do you do here?" asked the man.

"We circumcise people" answered the owner.

"Then why have you put watches in the shop window?"

"What else am I supposed to put there?"

Redneck Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough because they couldn't afford a bigger bed. So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin-wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it would cost $1,000.

Not being able to afford the procedure, the doctor recommended he go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me - I don't want to go deaf! To which the doctor replies, "Trust me."

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count on his fingers, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5... , at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand, 6, 7...

Lawyer Joke(Not sure if repost)

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!

Poor Boudreaux . . .

Boudreaux was feeling guilty, so he went to confession.

"Father, I kinda took a little lumber from that new construction site."

Priest: "What did you do with the lumber, my son?

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, my porch, she's had a hole for a long time. I'm afraid that someone will break their leg, so I fix the hole."

Priest: "Well, that's not so bad."

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left."

Priest: "What did you do with it?

Boudreaux: "Well, my poor dog Phideaux, he ain't never had no place to get outta the weather, so I make him his own little doghouse."

Priest: "OK, anything else?"

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left. So you know, my truck, she ain't never had no place to get outta de weather either, so I make her a two-car garage."

Priest: "Now, this is getting a little out of hand."

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I still had a little lumber left."

Priest: "Yes?"

Boudreaux: "Well, my wife, she always want a bigger house. So I add two bedrooms and a new bathroom."

Priest: "OK! That's definitely too much. For your penance, you are going to have to make a Novena. You do know how to make a Novena, don't you?"

Boudreaux: "No, Father ... but if you got the plans, I got the lumber."

Dancing in the kitchen.

Two neighbors have the hots for each other. So one afternoon when their spouses are away they are having it off. Afterwards they are having a smoke in the bed and she asks him if it was everything he imagined it would be.

"It was alright, but I must say you are pretty wide."

"What do you mean, wide?"

"Well, you do have a rather 'large hole'...

Baffled she kicks him out of her house and goes to the kitchen to fix herself a drink.

Sitting at the kitchen table she starts thinking about what he said, gets a mirror, puts it on the floor, stands over the mirror, opens her robe and begins to examen herself.

Just at that moment the neighbor's 5 year old son walks in through the backdoor.

Embarrassed, she says: "Hi Timmy, how are you? I was just doing a little dance, I really like dancing in the kitchen!"

To which the kid replies: "Do what you want, just make sure you don't fall into that hole!"

What do you call something that only 9 or 11 can fix?

An untenable situation

A businessman is driving to an important meeting when his car breaks down...

Luckily, he breaks down near a mechanic, who agrees to tow his truck and fix it for him. However, the it would take awhile to fix, the businessman was going to be late if he didn't get going soon. Luckily, the mechanic had a donkey he was willing to lend to the businessman.

"There's only two things you need to know. To make him go, say 'Thank goodness'. To make him stop, say 'Woah'."

The businessman thanked the mechanic, put his briefcase in the saddlebag, and shouted "Thank goodness".

Now, the donkey quickly got into a regular rhythm, and the businessman, tired for lack of sleep, soon feel asleep. He awoke sometime later to see the donkey idiotically careening towards a cliff. "WOAH" he shouted, and the donkey started to slow down. Just at the edge of the cliff, the donkey comes to a full stop.

"Phew," the man said "Thank goodness"

My uncle always believed that "Between duct tape and WD-40 you can fix just about anything."

I still can't believe it took seven years before he lost his medical license.

In case your parachute does not open

You have a lifetime ahead of you to fix it.

A penguin is driving to a job interview...

A penguin is driving to a job interview when suddenly he sees smoke coming from the hood of his car. Stressed and angry because he might be late, he pulls into an autoshop. The mechanic assures him: "Don't worry, these things are usually easy to fix. Go across the street and get yourself a coffee, come back in five minutes, and I should have it fixed." So the penguin, already keyed up, doesn't think coffee is a good idea, but crosses the street and buys a vanilla ice cream cone. Being a penguin, with only flippers, the ice cream goes all over his face and chest. Now the penguin is really angry, late for his interview and all messy. He returns to the mechanic, who looks up from the car and says "it looks like you blew a seal".

The penguin says: "No no, it's just ice cream."

If your phone gets wet, try placing it in a bag of rice...

... at night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.

Did you hear about the brain implant that can fix stupid?

It's called a bullet.

My girlfriend doesn't think I can think fix the electric shower.

Well, she's in for a shock.

My boss asked me to fix the plug on his lamp...

I simply refused.

Normal Wife

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

So a man walks into a bar..

...He sits down and notices a jar full of money on the counter. He asks the bartender why it's there.

The bartender says "If you put twenty dollars in, you get to do the challenge."

The man asks "What's the challenge?"

"Well, first you have to drink 10 shots of vodka. We have a bull out back with a bad tooth, so go back there and fix his tooth. Also, there's an old lady who lives across the street who hasn't been pleasured in a while. The last part is to pleasure the old lady; then you win all the money in the jar."

The man decides to take the challenge and puts his money in the jar. The bartender gives him the vodka, which he drinks. Then he walks out back to the bull. After about 10 minutes, he walks back in.

"That first part was too easy.
Now, where's that old lady with the bad tooth?"

Broken Window

Wife: You need to fix the bathroom window, then neighbor can see me every time I shower.
Husband; I know, he saw you and called me to tell me he's paying for the window repair.

Wet phone solution.

Person 1: If you drop your phone into some water, fill a bag with rice and put the phone in the bag and sit it on the kitchen bench overnight.
During the night, the rice will attract asians who will fix your broken electronics.

Person 2: Dude, that's not how it works. They would eat the rice too.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are each locked away for a year in solitary confinement.

Before they are thrown in, they are each allowed to request a year's supply of whatever he wants to help them through the hard time.

The Scotsman asks for whisky, so he gets some and he's locked away.

The Irishman asks for a fix of Guinness, so several hundred bottles are thrown in.

The Englishman requests a year's supply of cigarettes, so he's given the cartons and he too is locked up.

When it's time to let them out, they open the Scot's door, he stumbles out shouting "FREEDOM!" before he collapses and dies of alcohol poisoning.

Paddy is dragged out into the light, where he soon dies of a busted liver.

When the door to the Englishman's cell is opened, everyone waits eagerly to see what sort of state he's gotten himself into. To their surprise, he walks right out, scoots up to the nearest person and asks, "I say, you wouldn't happen to have a match, would you?"

A woman goes with her husband to the doctor for his exam.

After the exam, the doctor pulls the wife aside and says: "Your husband is suffering from severe long term stress, and he is a good candidate for a heart attack or stroke. If you don't do the following three things he will surely die.

First, every morning fix him a healthy breakfast.

Second, when he gets home make him a warm, nutritious dinner and don't burden him with house hold chores.

Third, have sex with him several times a week."

On the way home, the husband asks the wife " I saw the doctor talking to you and he looked serious. What did he say?"

Wife: " He says you're gonna die."

How do you fix a broken Tuba?

Tuba glue.

No need to worry if your parachute don't unfold...

... You'll have the rest of your life to fix it.

Military Humor

I had to translate. You can help me fix it.

Lieutenant Colonel to Major:
There is a total solar eclipse coming tomorrow at 9am, which does not happen every day. Assemble all soldiers on exercise field, I will provide explanation. In the event of rain, since we won't be able to see it anyway, assemble everyone in the gymnasium.

Major to Captain:
Per Colonel's order, tomorrow at 9am there will be ceremonial solar eclipse. If there is a need for rain, Lieutenant Colonel will give a separate order in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day.

Captain to Lieutenant:
Per Colonel's order tomorrow at 9am there will be solar eclipse. In the event of rain the solar eclipse will occur in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day.

Lieutenant to Sergeant:
Tomorrow at 9am Colonel will perform solar eclipse in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day.

Sergeant to Corporal:
"Tomorrow at 9am there will be eclipsing of Colonel because of the sun. If it is raining in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day, assemble all soldiers on the exercise field.

Two privates talking to each other:
Seems it will rain tomorrow. The sun will eclipse Colonel in the gymnasium. I wonder why it does not happen every day.

A broke, lonely man.

A man who hadn't been with a woman in years was feeling lonely one night. He finally decided he wanted to hire an escort to fix this problem, but, he was nearly broke.

After sifting through the phone-book he finds an ad for an extremely cheap escort, only $5. He calls her up and hires her. A few hours later she appears at his house and they spend the night together in his bed.

The next day after she had left he noticed that he was really itchy. After checking the boys he realized he had crabs! Enraged, he called the escort again and demanded a refund, to which she replied, "Well what did you expect for $5, lobsters?"

He's just waiting for the train.

There is this lady who lives near a train station , every time the train passes her closet breaks , so she calls a man to fix it . The man comes over asks her what the problem is and tells her he's going to wait in the closet till the train comes and see why the closet breaks . After 15 minutes the ladies husband comes home , and goes straight to the closet , he sees the man , grabs him by the throat and asks him " What are you doing here ?" To which the man replies " Would you believe me if I told you I was here waiting for the train .. " Sorry for any grammar mistakes , not my first language .

Did you guys hear about the guy who got the skin on his face ripped apart by eagle talons?

They tried to fix it with botox, but that only helps with crow's feet.

If a man says he will fix it, he will.

There's no need to remind him every six months

Meaning of... 'potentially' and 'realistically'

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask
your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that
money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would
sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million
bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three
million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers
and a future congressman."

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