Five Year Old Jokes
91 five year old jokes and hilarious five year old puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about five year old that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Five Year Old Short Jokes
Short five year old jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The five year old humour may include short six year old jokes also.
- 5 year old daughters first independent joke: What is a cats favourite colour? Purrrrrr-ple
High fives all round! - My five year old just told me this one... Why did the snowman go to the vegetable garden?
So he could go pick his nose. - I've decided to become a better father, so I'm down to five cigarettes a day now. The rest of the pack I give to my twelve year old son.
- What number do French celiacs hate? Huit.
My five year old (who is celiac) came up with this. Had to post it. - Why did the bottle say "Haaaaay" It was full of wine.
(A very insightful joke from my five-year-old) - Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!" - My five year old daughter came up with this one: what is seven's favourite drink? Seven-tea.
- I really wish my five year old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a tree house in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it… Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
- It was my five year old daughter's school play last night. I haven't enjoyed myself so much in years! I didn't go.
- How do they organize a party on Mars? They planet.
My five year old told me this today.
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Five Year Old One Liners
Which five year old one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with five year old? I can suggest the ones about 5th grade and young kid.
- My five year old's joke: What do you call a sausage in a room with a hungry wolf? A wolf.
- Where do you find a five year old with no legs? Exactly where you left him
- What kind of gum do bees chew? BUMBLEGUM.
Five year olds think it's hilarious. I do not. - What does a stegosaurus eat off of? His plates.
-Jude; My five-year-old son - I like my women like I like my music.... Less than five years old and illegally obtained.
- Did you hear what the Feds found at Jared Fogle's home? A five year old footlong.
Charming Humor Five Year Old Jokes with Loads of Fun
What funny jokes about five year old you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean little kid jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make five year old pranks.
A Computer Engineer was asked by his five-year-old son:
"Dad, what is Windows 95?"
"Well, it’s 32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition."
A recent widow was crying to a grief counselor. “We were married twenty-five years before he died,” she said, dabbing away a tear. “Never had an argument in all those years.”
“Amazing,” said the councilor. “How did you do it?”
“I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward.”
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young attorney who had taken over his father’s practice rushed home elated one night.
“Dad, listen,” he shouted, “I’ve finally settled that old McKinney suit.”
“Settled it!” cried his astonished father. “Why, you idiot! We have been living off of that money for five years!”
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
May 6th, 1945: A then five-year old Chuck Norris swam the Atlantic Ocean.
The next day, the n**... surrendered...
A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital.
After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead.
The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter (who wasn't blonde any longer, but just had to be at one time) that her mother didn't make it.
"Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!" the former blonde asked.
My five-year-old: "I don't want to be your daughter anymore. I QUIT!" No two-week notice or anything. She'd better not expect a reference.
65,000,011 years ago
Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly man in Saskatchewan.
An elderly man in Saskatchewan had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**..., or make you get out of the pond n**...." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Plane Ride
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."
Esther always replied, "I know, Morris, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
One year Morris and Esther went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm eighty-five years old. If I don't ride that airplane, I might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was spoken. He did all his tricks over again but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "My, my, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Loving Grandpa
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; and for fruit, cereal and soda in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Grandad is working his way around, saying in a controlled
voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay,
William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little t**... is throwing items out of the cart, and Grandad says again in a calm and controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay.
Grandad smiled, and the woman said, William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William.......the little s**...'s name is Kevin."
Request: Jokes for my five year old son
My son is starting to get into jokes and it's surprisingly difficult to find joke books that are appropriate for his age. Most recycle old jokes with outdated references that he doesn't even understand. Some of the references are so musty I don't even get them. Does anyone have good jokes/riddles I can pass along?
I don't want to get up, Papa.
An elderly gentleman knocks on his son's bedroom door. John, he says, wake up!
John answers, I don't want to get up, Papa.
The father shouts, Get up, you have to go to school.
John says, I don't want to go to school.
Why not? asks the father.
Three reasons, says John. First, because it's so dull; second, the kids tease me; and third, I hate school.
And the father says, Well, I am going to give you three reasons why you must go to school. First, because it is your duty; second, because you are forty-five years old, and third, because you are the headmaster.
Not sure my son understands Football
I took my six year old son to his first football game over the weekend. On our way out I asked him what he thought of the game.
"It was exciting," my son said. "But I don't understand why they fighting so much over twenty-five cents."
"What do you mean?" I asked my son a little confused myself.
"Well," he started to say, "everyone kept yelling 'get the quarter back!'"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Watering Hole
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**... or make you get out of the pond n**....'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Lucky Numbers
There was this man by the name of Mr Five.
His lucky number was, not surprisingly, 5.
He was 55 years old, ate 5 times a day, always brought with him $55 in his wallet and always wore a shirt with 5 pockets.
One day, he saw a horse by the name of Lucky Five was racing.
He bet $5555.55 on the horse.
After 5 hours the results are out.
Sure enough the horse comes in fifth.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A grandfather and his grandson in the supermarket
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for cereal and soda in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say: "It's OK, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little t**... is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly gentleman: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little s**...'s name is Kevin."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The old Man's Pond
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**... or make you get out of the pond n**....'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Nihilistic Kindergartners
David Bloom gained notoriety for his book Piscus Terminus: How to tell your five year old you flushed his fish down the toilet. Noted for its brute realism, the book's message led many kindergartners to spiral into a nihilistic despair, which contributed to the phenomenon of so called Kierkegaardeners , whose existential search for subjective truth in an otherwise meaningless world made birthday parties kind of a downer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Heard this one 20 years ago in India
At Sunday mass in a small coastal town, the preacher decides to address the increasing promiscuity of the locals. People were beginning to have more and more pre-marital s**..., more children were being born out of wedlock and the number of teenage mothers was on the rise. The fact that it was a tourist spot also meant that one-night flings with visitors was now commonplace.
"In Corinthians 6:18-20 the lord says Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body."
Continuing in the same vein, he hopes that he is shaming the audience into repentance so that they may amend their ways. As a grand flourish, he ends with, "Now let those among you who have saved themselves for the Lord stand up, so we may gaze upon thee and admire thee."
No one stands up, and all avert their gaze and look at their shoes.
Then, a young mother with a five month old-baby girl stands up at the back.
Everyone is taken aback and the preacher is flustered. "Did you not understand my instruction? Only those who have not had s**... congress may stand!"
"Well, father", the young mother replies, "you can hardly expect this baby to stand up by herself, now, can you?"
A Sunday School Teacher . . .
A Sunday School Teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "Honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
Pilot Choice
As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.
"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Skinny Dipping . . .
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, to check it out.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "we're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**... or make you get out of the pond n**... so that I could get a good look at you," holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
School Time
A father becomes aware that his son is oversleeping again and will be late for school. He raps repeatedly on his son's door.
"Wake up, wake up, you'll be late for school!" the father says loudly.
"I don't want to go to school," his son answers.
"Why not?" asks the father.
"Three reasons," responds the son. "First, because school is so boring; second, the kids tease me all the time; and third, I hate school!"
"I am going to give you 3 reasons why you MUST go to school," the father retorts. "First, because it is your duty; second, because you are forty-five years old; and third, because you are the headmaster!"
The bull
A farmer is driving his tractor through his field when he spots his neighbor's five year old walking an enormous bull with a leash.
"Hey sweety! Where are ya headin' with that big bull?"
"Hiya Mr. Johnson! Imma takin' it to Maynard's t'mount his cows."
"Good, good... but cantya daddy go instead?"
"Naw, Mr. Johnson... the bull has t'go."
LPT Request: My 2 year old son drew in permanent marker all over the walls
So I took a shower earlier today and left my 2 year old son in the living room with the TV on thinking he would be ok. I come out 20 minutes later and he covered the entire living room in green permanent marker that he somehow got a hold of. As you can imagine, I flipped out and immediately ran to the store to buy cleaning supplies. I tried at least five different types, and scrubbed for at least half an hour but the stain was still there. Does anybody have any good methods for getting blood out of the carpet?
A five year old just made up this joke.
Q: Why do astronauts eat so fast?
A: Because they're on a rocket ship. Duh.
I had to explain racism to my five-year-old nephew. It's just not acceptable. He didn't really understand.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My five year old niece woke me up with this one today:
What's the best thing about being a r**... horse?
You don't have to use a c**... because you kill all your victims!
So, the 7 year-old daughter is talking with her mom...
"Mom, today at school during break, Jason and I played doctor!" she says excitedly.
"Oh dear" the mother answers, fearing the worst "what did you two do?"
"Oh, not much, he made me wait forty-five minutes and then double billed the insurance company."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ron, an elderly man in Florida...
Ron, an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm with a big pond in the backyard for several years. The pond was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and citrus trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down and check on the swimming hole, because he hadn't been to that area of the property in a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**...."
Rob held the bucket up high and said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Mother and Father
An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls her father immediately and yells, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're both coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."
My grandpa told me this one!
One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the class of five-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who the most famous man who ever lived was."
An Irish boy raised his hand and said, "Please, Miss, it was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "Please, Miss, it was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy, Adam, raised his hand and said, "Please, Miss, it was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Adam. Come up here, and I'll give you your $2."
As the teacher was giving Adam his money, she said, "You know, Adam, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." "I know, Miss," Adam replied, "in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Man Was Walking A Tightrope....
Good joke from *House of Leaves*
There was this twenty five year old guy walking a tightrope across a deep river gorge while half way around the world another twenty five year old guy was getting a b**... from a seventy year old woman, but get this, at the same moment both men were thinking the exact same thought. You know what it was?
Don't look down.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
TINY BIKINI
A 16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. She went home and put it on, then showed her mother how she looked in it. "What do you think mom?" Her mother replied, "I think that if I had worn that when I was your age, you'd be five years older!"
what's the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
acne doesn't come on a five-year-old's face.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Brilliant Old Man and Skinny Dipping Ladies
Ron an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm for several years, which had a pond in the back. It was suitable to swimming so he fixed it up nicely with picnic tables, Horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
When he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**... or make you get out of the pond n**...."
Holding the Bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator!"
Happiest old man or what
An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman
noticed this and asked him why he was crying.
"Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old
redhead. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast and then we make
love. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make love.
At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we make love."
The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying!
You should be the happiest man in the world!"
So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly man in Florida . . .
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it
over, as he hadn't been there for a while.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**... or make you get out of the pond n**...."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligators."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My 8 year old son made me laugh with a dad joke...
We were trying to decide where to eat, I offered up Buffalo Wild Wings, but my son and daughter were being indecisive. I finally said ok guys, make up your mind My son replied with a c**... grin "C'mon Mom we'll just wing it"...he then burst into laughter for five minutes....his fathers humor is really rubbing off on him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does Michael Jackson and McDonalds have in common?
They both stick their raw meat into five year old buns.
A woman must walk 5 paces behind...
Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."
My eight year old sister said 'Will you sponsor me?'
I ask her if she's swimming, or what.
She says, 'No I'm five days clean. I need a sponsor.'
My five year old niece told me this one... What do you call a 60 foot platypus?
A platybus!
A seven-year-old boy is sitting at the dinner table with his parents. Suddenly he announces, "Me and Janie is getting married."
"Oh?" says the mother. "And how old is Janie?"
"Five," replies the boy.
"Well," says the father, " what are you going to do for money?"
"I get 15 cents a week in allowance," says the son, "and Janie gets 10 cents. We figured that if we put them together we we´d be okay."
"I see," says the father. "But what are you going to do if you have children?"
"Well," says the boy, "so far, we've been lucky."
Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".
"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
A five year old read a story about a king
5yo: mom, i also want 3 wives, one to feed me, one to bathe me, one to sing for me.
mom: and which one will put you to sleep?
5yo: none, i'd still sleep with you.
mom: you're the best son ever. but where will your wives sleep then?
5yo: they can sleep with dad.
dad: you really are the best son ever.
When my friend and her five year old daughter were shopping, the little girl picked out a dress she loved.
Her mother shook her head."That's too expensive," she said.
She dutifully put back the dress, but as she did so, she grumbled, "Well, why did you have me if you can't afford me?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I came across a really old man crying his eyes out in a shopping centre.
I came across a really old man crying his eyes out in a shopping centre. "What Evers the matter?" I asked him.
The old man wiped his eyes and gave out a whispering sniffle "you know son I'm the luckiest man alive. I'm 91 years old, I've traveled around the world, I'm a multi millionaire and I'm married to a beautiful 21 year old woman. We have s**... five times a day and she grants me my every desire".
"Wow" I respond "I'm lucky if I get s**... five times a month! How can you be sad with all of that?" The man pulled out a snot ridden tissue, wiped his nose and replied:
"I can't remember where I live"
I just installed TempleOS on my old laptop, and that divine touch has brought it back to life.
The battery charge alone lasts five years.
A family moves into their new house.
Grandma comes for a visit and asks the youngest child, a five-year-old, how he likes the new place. It's terrific, he says. I have my own room, my brother has his own room, and my sister has her own room. But poor mom is still sleeping with dad.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Mikey
A five-year-old Mikey asks his Grandpa, Grandpa, what do you call it when there are two people on top of each other in bed?
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The Grandpa feels very uncomfortable but decides not to confuse the child and bravely says, That's i**..., my boy.
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OK, nods Mikey and off he goes.
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He comes back after five minutes and says, Grandpa, that's not right. I've just spoken to mom and she said that it's not called i**... but a bunk bed!
An American couple adopt a German infant...
He is fine physically, and he is content. But he hasn't started speaking. At two, three, even four years old, he is mute.
Then, one October, at five years old, his parents give him a hot chocolate.
Zis is a bit tepid, he complains.
Gunther, you can speak! Why have you never spoken before?
Up to now, everything had been satisfactory.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked my five year old daughter what she wanted for her birthday and she giggled, "I want unicorns, rainbow and fairies!"
Ok, l**... it is!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is in bed with a n**... five year old boy.
When the man's wife comes home, she sees this, drops everything in disbelief, and yells, "I can't believe you got a dog without telling me!"
Timmy Learns to Count
A preschool teacher asked her students in class, "who can count from one to ten?"
Little 3-year old Timmy swiftly raised his hand, "I can!" and started counting "one, two, three four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten!"
The teacher is impressed, "Well done Timmy! Who taught you that?"
"My uncle Bobby!" Timmy said.
"Can you count past ten?" The teacher asked Timmy.
"That's easy!" Timmy continued, "Jack, Queen, King..."
A five year old once told me I was really ugly, in which I replied that hurts my feelings.
He replied don't be silly, ugly people don't have feelings.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lion and a tiger make a liger, a whale and dolphin a wolphin, a squid and octopus a scquoctopus. What would a five-year old and a horse be?
Definitely i**....
My five year old's favorite joke.. What do you call a dog in the library?
A hush puppy.
🥁
Why does Michael Jackson like twenty-five year olds'?
Because there are 20 of them.
I guess you can adjust the tense since, well you know, he's dead and all.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do dinosaurs need deodorant?
Because they're ex stincked.
Courteousy my five year old nephew, be nice.
A funny one from my 7 year old daughter. Knock, Knock...
Me: Who's there?
Her: Knock, Knock
Me: Who's there?
...continued five more times.
Me (agitated): Sweetie, you have to stop saying knock knock over and over again .
Her: Daddy, you're supposed to say Knock Knock who?
Me: Ohhhhhhhh. Knock Knock who?
Her: Knock Knock, I'm at your door.
Barbara Walters once did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands...
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."
A lawyer, a teacher, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar
The lawyer leaves early because she wants to be home in time to tuck her five-year-old in.
The teacher leaves a little later to make sure his teenage son gets home at a reasonable hour.
The anti-vaxxer stays and has several more rounds because... well.
For anybody who doesn't believe vaccines cause autism...
My Douglas was vaccinated and is now nearly five years old. He has still not learned to speak a single word, cannot dress himself and is not even able to use the toilet.
Don't let vaccines ruin your dog's life too.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My five-year-old, everyone.
My insanely witty five-year-old, ladies and gentlemen:
Step-daughter: "I'm hungry."
Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."
Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"
Me: "Aw why not, sweets?"
Her: "Because I don't like it when you call me names like hungry or thirsty or anything!"
Me: "Alright, I'm not going to say that anymore."
Her: "Nice to meet you, not going to say that anymore."
I had just been out-dad-joked by my five-year-old. It was so unexpected, and was the first time I think I recognized how hilarious she was with her wit. I really miss her (because of a divorce, not a f**...).
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why does Jared Fogle like all the jokes about him?
Because they are about five years old at this point.
I heard this joke at a new museum opening in DC, told by a five year old:
Knock knock
Who's there?
Donut
Donut who?
Donut ask me, it's a secret.
That kid has a bright future of dad jokes ahead of him
My Father's Favorite Joke
An old man and a bartender are having an argument. The old man keeps asking for aged scotch. The bartender gives him a drink and the old man spits it out and says its only 10 year scotch and he wanted older. The bartender gets another bottle and gives another drink. The old man spit that drink out and says its only 20 year scotch and that he wanted older. The bartender leaves for about five minutes and came back with another drink. The old man drinks it, spits it out, and asks what it was.
The bartender says: "How old am I?"
A five year old kid went to his father and asked where did he come from?
The father was taken by surprise but thought maybe the new generation is way more precocious than he thought and one day he will have to tell the kid everything anyway so why not then, so he told him everything honestly. The kid listened to the whole story mesmerized.
In the end the father asked 'why do you suddenly wanted to know these things?'
'Oh nothing, the kid replied 'there's a new kid in our class, he told me that he came from New York. I just wanted to know where did I come from?'
A Sunday school teacher posed a question to her class, "If I were to sell my house, car, donate my possessions to charity, and give all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"
The children unanimously replied, "No."
The teacher then asked, "If I were to keep the church clean, mow the lawn, and keep everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"
Once again, the answer was a resounding "No."
Apparently perplexed, the teacher asked, "Well, then how can I get into heaven?"
A quick-witted five-year-old boy piped up and replied, "You have to be dead!"
