Five Guys Jokes
102 five guys jokes and hilarious five guys puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about five guys that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Five Guys Short Jokes
Short five guys jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The five guys humour may include short fives jokes also.
- I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore... They were real nice. Car started right up, and they even helped me with directions back to the interstate.
- A guy goes to a cake shop and says: - Can you please make me a cake that says "you are the only one for me"?
- Yes sir.
- Well, I'll order five of those. - Did you hear about the guy who watched that new Bruce Willis film five times in a row? He was a Die Hard fan.
- I feel really gay having just eaten burger and fries I'm just so happy to have Five Guys inside of me.
- I was feeling down the other day and decided to go to the movies. I asked the guy at the counter, "Hey, which one has a happy ending?"
The guy says, "For an extra five bucks, they all do." - perfect vision Whenever someone asks me what I plan on doing in five years I always get frustrated.
Like c'mon guys I don't have 2020 vision. - What did the gluttonous homosexual nymphomaniac do on a Friday night? He had five guys... and then he had Five Guys!
- Which fast food joint would you like to see in space? Personally, I'd love to see Five Guys on Uranus
- My friend just asked me what I wanted to eat... I told him "I'm Craving Five Guys" and now he's awkwardly avoiding me.
- Me: grandma have you ever tried Five Guys? Grandma: at once?!
*in case you don't know, Five Guys is a burger joint*
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Five Guys One Liners
Which five guys one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with five guys? I can suggest the ones about three guys and 3 guys.
- Why didn't the japanese guy get a high five? Because Logan Paul left him hanging.
- What do you call five white guys sitting on a bench? The NBA.
- What is a cannibals favorite restaurant? Five Guys
- What is Unidan's favorite fast food joint? Five Guys.
- What did the convicted cannibal choose for his last meal? Five guys
- What do you get when you order a mini meal at Five Guys? Two and a half men
- What is piper perri's favorite place to eat? Five guys
- Five guys walk into a Burger King. In-n-out.
- Why was the woman walking bow legged into her office at 1? She had Five Guys for lunch.
- Hey Robert, have you ever had Five Guys? No, but I've had five guys!
- I used to know a guy who had five legs. His pants fitted him like a glove.
- Y'all heard what happened to Ronald McDonald? He got beat up by five guys.
- Gave a guy a high five He only had 3 fingers so I told him to keep the change
- If chick fil a and Five Guys ever merged... they could call it Five Guys fil a Chick
- What is One Direction's favorite place to eat? Five Guys
Five Guys Burgers Jokes
Here is a list of funny five guys burgers jokes and even better five guys burgers puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I keep getting called gay while eating sloppy burgers... Cant help it I love Five Guys in me!
- My girlfriend and I went for burgers, and she was very disappointed that there were only three guys running the whole restaurant "The sign outside says Five Guys!"
- What do you call a Five Guys Burger ran by black people? Three Guys Burger
Five Guys Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about five guys you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean number 5 jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make five guys pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy and girl had s**... poem competition.
Guy: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I can put mine in yours, but you can't put yours in mine."
Girl: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I know the length of yours, but you won't know the depth of mine."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the toilet.
He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy.
He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the v**... all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"
A wife says, "Hey! Look at that funny guy who's been drinking a lot."
The husband responds, "Who is he?"
The wife answers, "Well, five years ago, he was my boyfriend and I denied him for marriage."
"Oh my God! He's still celebrating his freedom!" says the husband.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the world Cup final?
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.
The man says back, "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another close family member to come with you?
The guy says, "No. They're all at the f**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So there's this man with a parrot.
And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a p**.... He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the t**..., shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Pickup Artist
Ted is sitting at the bar, chatting with the bartender. It's a good night, not too crowded, but a steady stream of customers. The door opens and a homely guy walks in. He takes a seat at the other end of the bar, orders a beer, and sits there sipping it.
The bartender walks back, and Ted says, "There's a guy who's leaving alone tonight!" Even as he speaks, the hottest girl in the room walks up to the homely guy. They chat a minute, then leave arm-in-arm. "Man!", says Ted, "what luck!"
"He's a regular", says the bartender. "Every night, the same thing, he leaves with a different woman, never here for more than five minutes."
"No way," says Ted, "What's his secret?"
"Beats me. He just walks in, orders a beer, and sits there l**... his eyebrows."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do five gay guys walk down the street?
In one direction
Jets Fan
A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Jets jersey helmet and is holding Jets pom poms.
The bartender says,"Hey! No pets allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"
The man begs, "Look I'm desperate. We're both big fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only place we can see the game!"
After securing a promise that the dog will behave and warning him that if there is any trouble they will be thrown out, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.
The game begins with the Jets receiving a kickoff. They march down field stop at the 30,and kick a field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving everyone a high-five.
The bartender says,"Wow that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?"
"I don't know," replies the owner, "I've only had him for four years."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So, This Blind Guy Walks Into a Bar...
And takes a seat in front of the bartender.
"Would you like to here a great blonde joke?" He asks.
The bartender leans in close and says,
"Well, the priest and rabbi to your right are blonde. The two cheerleaders to your left are blonde and, to top it all off, I'M blonde. You still want to tell that joke buddy?"
The blind guy takes a moment to think about it and says
"Nah. I'd rather not have to explain it five times."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Different fats
The Italian man said, "Last week, my wife and I had great s**.... I rubbed
her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed
for five full minutes at the end."
The Frenchman boasted, "Last week when my wife and I had s**..., I rubbed
her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes."
The Gay guy said, "Well, last week my boyfriend and I also had s**.... I
rubbed his body all over with Crisco. We made love, and he screamed for
over six hours."
The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, "What could you
have possibly done to make your boyfriend scream for six hours?"
The Gay guy said, "I used the bedspread to wipe my hands."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
local parish
The head priest at a certain church was out for the day, so he asked the deacon to do confession for him. The deacon agrees, and the first person that comes says, "Forgive me, for I just gave a guy a b**...." He says, "You have sinned."
Then he looks at the sheet on the wall that had punishments for certain sins on it, but b**... was not on there, so he went out to ask one of the altar boys what he usually gives for a b**.... The altar boy answered, "Oh, about five dollars."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do four out of five guys love to do?
Gang-r**....
Bag Boy
This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for five years. One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is really excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines.The manager says no. The bagger says, "But I've been working here for five years. Why can't I run the juice machines?" The manager answers, "I'm sorry, son, but baggers can't be juicers."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three guys are talking about their families (likely a re-post)
Three men - Bob, Joe, and David - are bragging about their families. Bob and Joe are Catholic, and David is m**....
Joe says "I've got four athletic daughters. One more and I'll have a championship basketball team."
Bob responds "I've got eight athletic sons. One more and I'll have an all-Anerican baseball team."
David answers "I've got five beautiful wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
B'dum tsss
A collection of jokes I have found over the years about drummers.
**NOTE:** Before you get offended, I AM A DRUMMER. I FIND THESE FUNNY TOO.
1. What do you call a drummer in a suit? The defendant
2. How can you tell a drummer's at the door? The knocking speeds up
3. What do you call a drummer with half a brain? Gifted
4. What does a drummer use for contraception? His personality
5. Did you hear about the drummer who finished high school? Me neither
6. What did the drummer say to the band leader? "Do you want me to play too fast or too slow?"
7. How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five: One to screw it in, four to say that Neil Peart could've done it better
8. Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car? So that they can use the handicapped parking space
9. How do you get a drummer off your porch? Give him the money for the pizza
10. What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? A drummer
Anyone got any more?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two men arguing
I was in a nightclub queue when two blokes in front of me started arguing.
o**... pushed the other and said, "Four, nine."
The other man pushed him back and said, "Sixteen, twenty-five."
A bouncer reached for his walkie-talkie and said, "I need some help at the door. We've got a couple of men squaring up."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy opens the door to a brothel
And asks, "What can I get for five dollars"
One of the girls looks at him and says, "why don't you go j**... in your car?"
Guy closes the door and comes back 10 minutes later,
'Who do I give the 5 dollars to?'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear they found the body of the guy that leaked the Jennifer Lawrence n**...?
They say he's the first person ever to be hi-fived to death.
You guys heard of "the minivan"?
You put two in the front and five in the back.
Random Guy at Chipotle
A random guy at Chipotle said "give me a high five" and afterwards said "you should wash that hand"...not sure whether to laugh or not.
What a polite guy...
I met Michael J Fox the other day. I only gave him a hi-five and he still shook my hand.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How does a guy with five d**... wear his pants?
Like a glove
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Five guys in an audi Quattro...
...arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian customs officer stops them and says,
"It'sa i**... to p**... five people in a Quattro."
"What are you talking about?" the driver asked.
"Quattro meansa four, and you are five-a people."
"Quattro is just the name of the car."
"Don'ta think you can fool me! Quattro meansa four and you are five-a people, you are breakinga the law."
"You idiot! Call your supervisor, I need to speak with someone with more intelligence!"
"He can'ta come."
"Why not?"
"He'sa busy witha two guys in an Uno."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call five black guys having s**...?
A t**...
3/5ths compromise
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
*WARNING* Slightly racist!
Q: How do you stop five black men from beating up a white guy?
A: Throw a basketball at them.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Man Was Walking A Tightrope....
Good joke from *House of Leaves*
There was this twenty five year old guy walking a tightrope across a deep river gorge while half way around the world another twenty five year old guy was getting a b**... from a seventy year old woman, but get this, at the same moment both men were thinking the exact same thought. You know what it was?
Don't look down.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a white guy surrounded by twenty five Indians?
Bartender.
Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.
Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.
The first says that he is really hungry and flys into the night. After half an hour he returns and his mouth is full of blood. The other two ask him: "where did you get that?" He answers: "Do you see that little light across the hill? It was a little family at a camping trip. Delicious!"
The second vampire starts in the air and returns 15minutes later, the whole face covered with blood. The others ask jealousy: "Where have you been?" Smiling he answers: "You guys see that group of lights down there? It was a wedding with over 20guests. I don't have to eat for a week!"
Finally the third vampire starts into the dark sky, and returns about five minutes later. His whole body, top to bottom is covered in blood.
Exited the other two ask:"Man where did you go?!"
"Do you see that tree right there?"
"Yes"
"Well, I didn't"
A blind guy goes into a bar.
He sits down at the bar and orders a drink. "Do you want to hear a blonde joke?" he asks the bartender. "Well, I'm a blonde, the bouncer's a blonde, the two guys sitting next to you are blonde, and so is the owner who's over there playing darts. Do you still want to tell it?" she asks. Then the blind guy says, "No, not if I have to explain it five times".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My 8 year old son made me laugh with a dad joke...
We were trying to decide where to eat, I offered up Buffalo Wild Wings, but my son and daughter were being indecisive. I finally said ok guys, make up your mind My son replied with a c**... grin "C'mon Mom we'll just wing it"...he then burst into laughter for five minutes....his fathers humor is really rubbing off on him.
136 days!
Three guys are celebrating in a bar.
They keep high-fiving each other and yelling, " " " "
They are so excited, the bartender can't stand it any longer.
"Hey," he says, "what are you guys celebrating?"
"We finished a jigsaw puzzle!" says one of them.
"You finished a jigsaw puzzle???" says the bartender. "How come that's so exciting?"
"Well, it said on the box 'Four to six years'!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man comes to the entrance of Heaven
A man comes to the entrance of Heaven and is told, "You haven't done anything good, but you haven't done anything bad either. If you can tell me of something amazing you have done, I will let you in."
The man replies, "Well, one time I was driving down the road and I saw some gang members threatening a young lady in an alleyway. I stopped and confronted them. I walked up to the biggest looking dude and slapped him and said, 'You need to leave this young lady alone, or I'm going to kick your a**...!'"
The man at the entrance to heaven asked him, "When did this happen?"
The guy replies, "About five minutes ago."
Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant.
"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer.
"Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great."
"Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars."
"Thanks. I'll put it in my college fund," Johnny said.
"By the way, what are you studying?" asked the customer.
"Applied psychology."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What are the only two similarities between my favorite buger joint, and the o**... I just had?
Nothing but Five Guys, extra salty
A blind man walks into a bar
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender,
Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says,
Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he's a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?
The blind guy says, Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
The other day, I happened to bump into a guy I knew who went blind at the age of five.
I said "Hey! Long time no see."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a homosexual and a glutton?
The former likes five guys, while the latter likes Five Guys.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I need help guys, I was driking last night.
We had five beers, some v**..., r**... and ended it with whiskey. I was totally drunk, so I decided to leave my car there and take a bus. From the bus I saw the police stopping cars and I was so glad I was in a bus. Then I came home.
There is the problem: I have a bus in front of my house and I don't know what to do with it. Please help.
A guy orders a beer. "That will be five bucks," says the bartender. The guy places his keyboard on the counter.
"Just put it on my tab."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you know Jeffrey d**... was a time traveler?
He was eating Five Guys before it was a thing.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
True Love
Guy: "who'd ever miss the FIFA world cup final?"
Man: "That was my wife's seat, we have been to the last five World cup finals together, but sadly she passed away."
Guy: "Oh.... That's terrible and very sweet of you to have her here symbolically by having a vacant seat..
But, these are expensive tickets; couldn't you have brought another family member or friend with you?"
Man: " No .....
They all are at her f**...! "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A child is visiting his grandparents.
While there, he says to Grandpa:
*- Grandpa, tell me a story about Vietnam!*
The old man says:
*- May 1969, near Khe Sanh. I was in a chopper with four other Marines and the pilot, and some g**... shot the pilot. We survived, but the Charlie were waiting there. And then there we were, five guys on some fifty Vietcong...*
The child interrupts:
*- But the last time you told me that story, there were only 20 Vietcong!*
Grandpa says:
*- You were too young to know the horrid truth!*
Guy dies and is at the pearly gates
St. Peter says: before I can let you in, you must tell me one selfless act you did while alive
Guy says One time i was driving and saw this motorcycle gang harassing a little old lady. I pulled over and went up to the biggest guy punched him square in the face and said - LOOK, if you mess with her, you mess with me
St. Peter said wow, that's pretty impressive, but I don't see it in your records. When exactly did this happen?
The guy said oh, about five seconds ago
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like my burgers like I like my gang bangs...
Five guys.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandad taught me this one
So a man has three t**... and he is very worried about that so he goes to the doctor and tells him and the doctor says "well you should be very proud of yourself you got three t**...".
So the man gets the train home and sits down next to a lad and he says "hey between you and me there is five t**..." and so the guy replies "oh my god do you only have one"?!.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jeffrey d**... was eating five guys
Before it was a restaurant.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Who eats Five Guys for breakfast, lunch, and dinner?
Jeffrey d**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy is sitting on his porch when his blonde neighbor walks out to her mailbox.
She opens the mailbox, looks in, colses it up and walks back into the house. Five minutes later, she does the same thing. After another five minutes, the same thing, but this time she's visibly angry. She comes out again after another five minutes, looking furious. She looks in the mailbox and slams it closed. As she's walking back to the house, the guy says,
"Not to be nosy, but are you expecting an important package?"
The blonde answers, "No! It's my d**... computer! It keeps telling me I have mail!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy goes to the doctor and after a checkup the doctor discovers that he has three t**....
The patient asks whether that is a problem, but the doctor assures him that it's not and that he'd wish he had three t**....
Kind of proud the patient leaves the doctor's office and sits on a park bench next to a stranger.
He says to him: "Together we have five t**....", to which the other replies: "Why? Do you have none?"
Ending a relationship....
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I just ended a five-year relationship," he confides to the bartender. "Hey, I'm sorry to hear that. Have this drink on the house," the bartender says. "Oh, no reason to be upset," the guy replies. "It wasn't my relationship."
Joe is hiring a hitman from a well respected mafioso to kill his business partner.
The man asks, "How do I know you won't just let him pay you twice as much, and then kill me?"
The mob boss leans back and says, "Well Joe, you can always get the insurance policy."
"Insurance policy?"
"Yeah. For five times the fee I absolutely guarantee that the other guy can no longer afford to."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between alcohol and w**...?
Five drunk guys will start a fight. Five s**... guys will start a band.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bar Joke
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something.
Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2, weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A friend said he applied to Five Guys
I told him just applying to o**... was fine but maybe they'll appreciate the extra effort.
Bar
One night my friend John and I were sitting at a bar where he used to work, when an attractive woman, a former co-worker, came in and sat next to him. She told him she had just had a fight with her husband, a police officer, and needed to get out of the house for a while.
They had been talking for a few minutes when, as a joke, I leaned over to John. "Don't look now," I whispered, "but a guy about six-five just walked in. And he's got a gun."
Without hesitating, John turned to me. "Quick, Ed," he said, "kiss me on the lips."