Five Guys Jokes

104 five guys jokes and hilarious five guys puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about five guys that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Five Guys Short Jokes

Short five guys jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The five guys humour may include short fives jokes also.

  1. I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore... They were real nice. Car started right up, and they even helped me with directions back to the interstate.
  2. I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore. The car started right up but they said I'd need a new battery.
  3. A guy goes to a cake shop and says: - Can you please make me a cake that says "you are the only one for me"?
    - Yes sir.
    - Well, I'll order five of those.
  4. A jewish guy asks his father for $20 His father replied, "ten dollars? what in the world do you need five dollars for, I'd be happy to give you a dollar, here's a quarter.
  5. So this Roman guy... This Roman guy walks into a Tavern, raises two fingers and yells, 'five beers please!'
  6. Did you hear about the guy who watched that new Bruce Willis film five times in a row? He was a Die Hard fan.
  7. I feel really gay having just eaten burger and fries I'm just so happy to have Five Guys inside of me.
  8. Today I saw a man who was being savagely beaten by a group of four guys, so I decided to help He really was no match for the five of us...
  9. What's the difference between a homosexual and a glutton? The former likes five guys, while the latter likes Five Guys.
  10. I was feeling down the other day and decided to go to the movies. I asked the guy at the counter, "Hey, which one has a happy ending?"
    The guy says, "For an extra five bucks, they all do."

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Five Guys One Liners

Which five guys one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with five guys? I can suggest the ones about three guys and 3 guys.

  1. Why didn't the japanese guy get a high five? Because Logan Paul left him hanging.
  2. What do you call five white guys sitting on a bench? The NBA.
  3. What is a cannibals favorite restaurant? Five Guys
  4. What is Unidan's favorite fast food joint? Five Guys.
  5. What did the convicted cannibal choose for his last meal? Five guys
  6. A Japanese guy tried to high five Logan Paul... But Logan left him hanging.
  7. What do you call a white guy surrounded by twenty five Indians? Bartender.
  8. What do you get when you order a mini meal at Five Guys? Two and a half men
  9. How do five gay guys walk down the street? In one direction
  10. What is piper perri's favorite place to eat? Five guys
  11. Five guys walk into a Burger King. In-n-out.
  12. Why was the woman walking bow legged into her office at 1? She had Five Guys for lunch.
  13. Hey Robert, have you ever had Five Guys? No, but I've had five guys!
  14. I used to know a guy who had five legs. His pants fitted him like a glove.
  15. Y'all heard what happened to Ronald McDonald? He got beat up by five guys.

Five Guys Burgers Jokes

Here is a list of funny five guys burgers jokes and even better five guys burgers puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Me: grandma have you ever tried Five Guys? Grandma: at once?!
    *in case you don't know, Five Guys is a burger joint*
  • I keep getting called gay while eating sloppy burgers... Cant help it I love Five Guys in me!
  • I like my burgers like I like my gang bangs... Five guys.
  • My girlfriend and I went for burgers, and she was very disappointed that there were only three guys running the whole restaurant "The sign outside says Five Guys!"
  • What do you call a Five Guys Burger ran by black people? Three Guys Burger

Five Guys Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about five guys you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean number 5 jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make five guys pranks.

A guy and girl had s**... poem competition.
Guy: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I can put mine in yours, but you can't put yours in mine."
Girl: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I know the length of yours, but you won't know the depth of mine."

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the world Cup final?
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.
The man says back, "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another close family member to come with you?
The guy says, "No. They're all at the f**...."

So there's this man with a parrot.

And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a p**.... He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the t**..., shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

Jets Fan

A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Jets jersey helmet and is holding Jets pom poms.
The bartender says,"Hey! No pets allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"
The man begs, "Look I'm desperate. We're both big fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only place we can see the game!"
After securing a promise that the dog will behave and warning him that if there is any trouble they will be thrown out, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.
The game begins with the Jets receiving a kickoff. They march down field stop at the 30,and kick a field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving everyone a high-five.
The bartender says,"Wow that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?"
"I don't know," replies the owner, "I've only had him for four years."

So, This Blind Guy Walks Into a Bar...

And takes a seat in front of the bartender.
"Would you like to here a great blonde joke?" He asks.
The bartender leans in close and says,
"Well, the priest and rabbi to your right are blonde. The two cheerleaders to your left are blonde and, to top it all off, I'M blonde. You still want to tell that joke buddy?"
The blind guy takes a moment to think about it and says
"Nah. I'd rather not have to explain it five times."

local parish

The head priest at a certain church was out for the day, so he asked the deacon to do confession for him. The deacon agrees, and the first person that comes says, "Forgive me, for I just gave a guy a b**...." He says, "You have sinned."
Then he looks at the sheet on the wall that had punishments for certain sins on it, but b**... was not on there, so he went out to ask one of the altar boys what he usually gives for a b**.... The altar boy answered, "Oh, about five dollars."

Bag Boy

This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for five years. One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is really excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines.The manager says no. The bagger says, "But I've been working here for five years. Why can't I run the juice machines?" The manager answers, "I'm sorry, son, but baggers can't be juicers."

Three guys are talking about their families (likely a re-post)

Three men - Bob, Joe, and David - are bragging about their families. Bob and Joe are Catholic, and David is m**....
Joe says "I've got four athletic daughters. One more and I'll have a championship basketball team."
Bob responds "I've got eight athletic sons. One more and I'll have an all-Anerican baseball team."
David answers "I've got five beautiful wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

B'dum tsss

A collection of jokes I have found over the years about drummers.
**NOTE:** Before you get offended, I AM A DRUMMER. I FIND THESE FUNNY TOO.
1. What do you call a drummer in a suit? The defendant
2. How can you tell a drummer's at the door? The knocking speeds up
3. What do you call a drummer with half a brain? Gifted
4. What does a drummer use for contraception? His personality
5. Did you hear about the drummer who finished high school? Me neither
6. What did the drummer say to the band leader? "Do you want me to play too fast or too slow?"
7. How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five: One to screw it in, four to say that Neil Peart could've done it better
8. Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car? So that they can use the handicapped parking space
9. How do you get a drummer off your porch? Give him the money for the pizza
10. What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? A drummer
Anyone got any more?

Two men arguing

I was in a nightclub queue when two blokes in front of me started arguing.
o**... pushed the other and said, "Four, nine."
The other man pushed him back and said, "Sixteen, twenty-five."
A bouncer reached for his walkie-talkie and said, "I need some help at the door. We've got a couple of men squaring up."

A guy opens the door to a brothel

And asks, "What can I get for five dollars"
One of the girls looks at him and says, "why don't you go j**... in your car?"
Guy closes the door and comes back 10 minutes later,
'Who do I give the 5 dollars to?'

Did you hear they found the body of the guy that leaked the Jennifer Lawrence n**...?

They say he's the first person ever to be hi-fived to death.

What a polite guy...

I met Michael J Fox the other day. I only gave him a hi-five and he still shook my hand.

How does a guy with five d**... wear his pants?

Like a glove

Five guys in an audi Quattro...

...arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian customs officer stops them and says,
"It'sa i**... to p**... five people in a Quattro."
"What are you talking about?" the driver asked.
"Quattro meansa four, and you are five-a people."
"Quattro is just the name of the car."
"Don'ta think you can fool me! Quattro meansa four and you are five-a people, you are breakinga the law."
"You idiot! Call your supervisor, I need to speak with someone with more intelligence!"
"He can'ta come."
"Why not?"
"He'sa busy witha two guys in an Uno."

Norwegians like to joke about the inferior intellect of our Swedish neighbors. This is my favorite joke:

A Norwegian is sitting at the bar and enjoying a nice drink. He turns to the large muscle man sitting by his side and asks: "Do you wan't to hear a joke about the swedes?"
The man replies: "Well, buddy, before you tell that joke I'd like you to know this: I am the current Swedish heavy weight boxing champion. The guy next to me won the Swedish wrestling championship five times and the guy sitting next to him represented Sweden in the Olympic games as a weight lifter. Are you absolutely sure you wan't to tell that joke?"
The Norwegian thinks for a few seconds and replies: "Meh, Not if I have to explain the joke THREE times."

A Man Was Walking A Tightrope....

Good joke from *House of Leaves*
There was this twenty five year old guy walking a tightrope across a deep river gorge while half way around the world another twenty five year old guy was getting a b**... from a seventy year old woman, but get this, at the same moment both men were thinking the exact same thought. You know what it was?
Don't look down.

perfect vision

Whenever someone asks me what I plan on doing in five years I always get frustrated.
Like c'mon guys I don't have 2020 vision.

Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.

Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.
The first says that he is really hungry and flys into the night. After half an hour he returns and his mouth is full of blood. The other two ask him: "where did you get that?" He answers: "Do you see that little light across the hill? It was a little family at a camping trip. Delicious!" 
The second vampire starts in the air and returns 15minutes later, the whole face covered with blood. The others ask jealousy: "Where have you been?" Smiling he answers: "You guys see that group of lights down there? It was a wedding with over 20guests. I don't have to eat for a week!"
Finally the third vampire starts into the dark sky, and returns about five minutes later. His whole body, top to bottom is covered in blood.
Exited the other two ask:"Man where did you go?!" 
"Do you see that tree right there?"
"Well, I didn't"

What do you call.......

What do you call a white guy surrounded by five black guys? Coach.
What do you call a white guy surrounded by eleven black guys? Football coach.
What do you call a white guy surrounded by hundreds of black guys? Warden.

A blind guy goes into a bar.

He sits down at the bar and orders a drink. "Do you want to hear a blonde joke?" he asks the bartender. "Well, I'm a blonde, the bouncer's a blonde, the two guys sitting next to you are blonde, and so is the owner who's over there playing darts. Do you still want to tell it?" she asks. Then the blind guy says, "No, not if I have to explain it five times".

My 8 year old son made me laugh with a dad joke...

We were trying to decide where to eat, I offered up Buffalo Wild Wings, but my son and daughter were being indecisive. I finally said ok guys, make up your mind My son replied with a c**... grin "C'mon Mom we'll just wing it"...he then burst into laughter for five minutes....his fathers humor is really rubbing off on him.

There once was a guy with five d**.... How do you think his pants fit him?

Like a glove.

A roman guy enters a bar, raises two fingers...

And say to the bartender: five beers, please!

Physicist, Engineer and Statistician are out bow-hunting.

They see a stag about a hundred feet away. The Physicist takes a shot, but he forgets to allow for wind resistance and the arrow falls five feet short. The Engineer takes his shot, but he adds too much of a fudge factor and the arrow's five feet too far.
The statistician goes "Nice job guys, we got him!"

136 days!

Three guys are celebrating in a bar.
They keep high-fiving each other and yelling, " " " "
They are so excited, the bartender can't stand it any longer.
"Hey," he says, "what are you guys celebrating?"
"We finished a jigsaw puzzle!" says one of them.
"You finished a jigsaw puzzle???" says the bartender. "How come that's so exciting?"
"Well, it said on the box 'Four to six years'!"

An Arabian guy at the airport

- name?
- ahmed al-rhazib.
- s**...?
- three to five times a week.
- no, no… i mean male or female?
- male, female, sometimes camel.
- holy cow!
- yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- but isn't that hostile?
- horse style, d**..., any style!
- oh dear!
- no, no! deer run too fast

A man comes to the entrance of Heaven

A man comes to the entrance of Heaven and is told, "You haven't done anything good, but you haven't done anything bad either. If you can tell me of something amazing you have done, I will let you in."
The man replies, "Well, one time I was driving down the road and I saw some gang members threatening a young lady in an alleyway. I stopped and confronted them. I walked up to the biggest looking dude and slapped him and said, 'You need to leave this young lady alone, or I'm going to kick your a**...!'"
The man at the entrance to heaven asked him, "When did this happen?"
The guy replies, "About five minutes ago."

Went to the bar the other night

There was a guy with five shots lined up in front of him.
I asked him, "What the occasion?"
He said, "My first b**..."
I said, "That's great, let me buy you another"
He said, "No thanks, if five can't get rid of the taste, six won't either"

Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant.

"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer.
"Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great."
"Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars."
"Thanks. I'll put it in my college fund," Johnny said.
"By the way, what are you studying?" asked the customer.
"Applied psychology."

A blind man walks into a bar

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender,
Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says,
Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he's a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?
The blind guy says, Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

A guy goes to a bar...

A guy goes to a bar and orders five shots of Tequila.

Barman says "What are you celebrating?"
Guy says "I just had my first b**..., need something to get rid of the taste."

I saw four guys beat beat up a little kid today, so I decided to help.

He had no chance against all five of us.

My friend just asked me what I wanted to eat...

I told him "I'm Craving Five Guys" and now he's awkwardly avoiding me.

The other day, I happened to bump into a guy I knew who went blind at the age of five.

I said "Hey! Long time no see."

I need help guys, I was driking last night.

We had five beers, some v**..., r**... and ended it with whiskey. I was totally drunk, so I decided to leave my car there and take a bus. From the bus I saw the police stopping cars and I was so glad I was in a bus. Then I came home.
There is the problem: I have a bus in front of my house and I don't know what to do with it. Please help.

A guy orders a beer. "That will be five bucks," says the bartender. The guy places his keyboard on the counter.

"Just put it on my tab."

Did you know Jeffrey d**... was a time traveler?

He was eating Five Guys before it was a thing.

True Love

Guy: "who'd ever miss the FIFA world cup final?"
Man: "That was my wife's seat, we have been to the last five World cup finals together, but sadly she passed away."
Guy: "Oh.... That's terrible and very sweet of you to have her here symbolically by having a vacant seat..
But, these are expensive tickets; couldn't you have brought another family member or friend with you?"
Man: " No .....
They all are at her f**...! "

So a guy orders a five dollar p**... and contracts c**... from her, the next day the man calls the agency to complain

The receptionist answers with For five dollars what did you expect, lobster?

Guy dies and is at the pearly gates

St. Peter says: before I can let you in, you must tell me one selfless act you did while alive
Guy says One time i was driving and saw this motorcycle gang harassing a little old lady. I pulled over and went up to the biggest guy punched him square in the face and said - LOOK, if you mess with her, you mess with me
St. Peter said wow, that's pretty impressive, but I don't see it in your records. When exactly did this happen?
The guy said oh, about five seconds ago

Which fast food joint would you like to see in space?

Personally, I'd love to see Five Guys on Uranus

So there are 4 guys on a boat

They have five cigarettes. They want to smoke them but they look all over the boat and they have nothing to light them with. So what do they do? They throw one overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

What did the gluttonous homosexual nymphomaniac do on a Friday night?

He had five guys... and then he had Five Guys!

What did Jeffrey d**... have for his last meal?

Five Guys

Jeffrey d**... was eating five guys

Before it was a restaurant.

Who eats Five Guys for breakfast, lunch, and dinner?

Jeffrey d**...

A guy is sitting on his porch when his blonde neighbor walks out to her mailbox.

She opens the mailbox, looks in, colses it up and walks back into the house. Five minutes later, she does the same thing. After another five minutes, the same thing, but this time she's visibly angry. She comes out again after another five minutes, looking furious. She looks in the mailbox and slams it closed. As she's walking back to the house, the guy says,
"Not to be nosy, but are you expecting an important package?"
The blonde answers, "No! It's my d**... computer! It keeps telling me I have mail!"

A guy goes to a five dollar lady of the night and he gets c**....

So the next day he goes back to complain.
And the woman says, "Hey, it was only five dollars. What did you expect, lobster?"

A guy goes to the doctor and after a checkup the doctor discovers that he has three t**....

The patient asks whether that is a problem, but the doctor assures him that it's not and that he'd wish he had three t**....
Kind of proud the patient leaves the doctor's office and sits on a park bench next to a stranger.
He says to him: "Together we have five t**....", to which the other replies: "Why? Do you have none?"

Ending a relationship....

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I just ended a five-year relationship," he confides to the bartender. "Hey, I'm sorry to hear that. Have this drink on the house," the bartender says. "Oh, no reason to be upset," the guy replies. "It wasn't my relationship."

Joe is hiring a hitman from a well respected mafioso to kill his business partner.

The man asks, "How do I know you won't just let him pay you twice as much, and then kill me?"
The mob boss leans back and says, "Well Joe, you can always get the insurance policy."
"Insurance policy?"
"Yeah. For five times the fee I absolutely guarantee that the other guy can no longer afford to."

What's the difference between alcohol and w**...?

Five drunk guys will start a fight. Five s**... guys will start a band.

Three guys were sleeping on a single mattress

When they wake up the guy on the left whispers to the other two, "Dudes, I just had a dream I was getting a h**......It was friggin awesome."
Then the guy on the right says, "Get outta here! I had a h**... dream too!"
While they high fived and discussed the odds, the guy in the center said, "Lucky stiffs. In my dream, I was skiing."

A guy runs into a bar says to the bartender

"Quick! Give me 50 shots of your best whiskey!"
The bartender lays out 50 shot glasses and fills them with the best whiskey he has.
The man pounds them down, one immediately after another.
After the last glass, the bartender says "Wow! I've never seen anyone take that many shots at once!"
The man says "You'd do the same thing if you had what I have."
The bartender says "What do you have?"
The man says "Twenty-five cents."


A guy picks up a five-dollar h**... and gets the c**... from her. Seeing her the following week, he confronts her and says, "You gave me the c**...!" She replies, "What did you expect for five bucks, lobster?"

Bar Joke

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something.
Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2, weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

A friend said he applied to Five Guys

I told him just applying to o**... was fine but maybe they'll appreciate the extra effort.


One night my friend John and I were sitting at a bar where he used to work, when an attractive woman, a former co-worker, came in and sat next to him. She told him she had just had a fight with her husband, a police officer, and needed to get out of the house for a while.
They had been talking for a few minutes when, as a joke, I leaned over to John. "Don't look now," I whispered, "but a guy about six-five just walked in. And he's got a gun."
Without hesitating, John turned to me. "Quick, Ed," he said, "kiss me on the lips."