Fits Jokes

What are some Fits jokes?

Have you heard about the guy with 5 penises?

His underwear fits like a glove.

How can you tell if your girlfriend is getting too fat?

If she fits in your wife's clothes.

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I'd like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? That's much easier.

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

What's the difference between an epileptic oyster and a prostitute with IBS?

Well, one you have to shuck between fits...

Wife: "Look. I haven't worn this in 8 years and it still fits."

Husband: "For God's sake woman, it's a scarf!"

What is the difference between an epileptic oyster-shucker & a prostitute with diarrhea?

The epileptic oyster-shucker SHUCKS between FITS.

Have you met the guy with 5 dicks?

His underwear fits like a glove.

My wife was cleaning the closet last week

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing, I think I should donate them

Me: Just throw them in trash, that's much easier

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes

Me: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

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Most Intelligent But Funniest

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.

My friend decided to take up wood working and he heard this joke at his new work place

A joiner makes sure that what he makes fits with the rest down to the tenth of a millimeter.

A carpenter makes sure it fits down to a millimeter.

A mason makes sure it fits down to the centimeter.

If the painter makes it to the right address, it's a good thing.

How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat?

When she fits in your wife's jeans.

Wife: I have a bag full of dirty & used clothing I'd like to donate....!

Husband: Why not just throw these in the trash? That's much easier for you.

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes with basket full satisfaction.

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

My wife sorted out some clothes she no longer wears, I said what are you going to do with them? she replied give them to charity, I said why don't you just throw them away, she replied, there are a lot of starving women out there that will appreciate them.

I replied, anyone that fits into your clothes are definitely not starving.

So the Pope is doing a crossword puzzle when a Bishop walks in.

"What is a four letter word for a woman that ends in -unt?" the Pope asks. The Bishop thinks for a minute, afraid to say such a word to the holiest of men. Then a miracle comes to him. "A-unt?" he suggests. "Yes, that fits better, got an eraser?"

I met a guy with five penises

His underwear fits him like a glove.

I bought a muzzle for my pet duck....

Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.

What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with dysentery?

One of them shucks between fits.

What's the difference between an epileptic corn farmer and a prostitute with dysentery?

The farmer shucks between fits.

Man takes his son to the police station

A man takes his son to the police station to get him a job as a cop. He meets the lieutenant and tells him. "Take my son, he's really stupid and I think he fits perfectly here."


"How stupid is he?" says the lieutenant.


"Watch this. Son, go outside and see if father is outside." The son goes outside and comes back in and says "No father, father wasn't outside."

"See? I told you he's stupid."
The lieutenant says "You're right, he could have looked through the window instead."

What's the difference between an epileptic corn husker and a nymphomaniac with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits

A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!

After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.

The groom approaches the him and asks, "why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that speech!"

"I know..." Says the priest, "but that was just my altar ego".

How does this name fit?

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, Hans Olaffsen's Laundry.
Hans Olaffsen?, he muses. How in the world that name fits in here? So he decides to walk into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.
The tourist asks, How did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?

The old man answers, Is name of owner.

The tourist asks, Well, who and where is the owner?

Me...is right here,replies the old man.

You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?

Is simple, says the old man. Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, What your name? He say, Hans Olaffsen. Then she look at me and go, What your name?

I say... Sem Ting.

How do you know it's time to lose some weight?

When you buy a new hula hoop... and it fits.

A guy was once born with 5 penises

His underwear fits him like a glove.

Priest does a crossword puzzle

A gentleman sits next to a priest on an airplane. He sees the priest doing a crossword puzzle.

Time passes and the priest says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know a four letter word that describes a woman and ends in 'u-n-t'?"

The gentleman thinks about this and finally says, "I believe the word you're looking for is 'aunt.'"

The priest replies, "Oh, you're right. That fits, too. Would you happen to have an eraser?"

What's the difference between a corn husker with epilepsy and a prostitute with dysentery?

What's the difference between a corn husker with epilepsy and a prostitute with dysentery?

One shucks between fits.

Whats the difference between a blond girl and an elevator?

An elevator only fits 5 people in it.

So heres one.

So a teenager walks into a store in the mall to buy a hat. He asks for what size he should get. The store manager tells him most of the hats are one size fits all. Just then a screaming toddler walks in followed by a young girl. The boy looks at them, turns to the store manager and says "that's what they said about the condom."

I once knew a guy with 5 penises.

The condom fits like a glove

i almost cracked an incest joke that fits perfectly into our conversation

nevermind i just realized it's actually unrelated

Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?

Yeah it fits right in her mouth.

What do you call an epileptic puppy?

Kibbles 'n Fits.

I often sleep like a baby

that is, not very much with various fits of crying and pooping.

A women tells her husband

"Isn't it nice that my wedding dress still fits me when none of my friends can wear theirs?"

To which the husband replies "Yeah, but you forget honey, you were 9 months pregnant then too"

3 women in a bar..

talking about how loose they are.
One fits a sausage
one fits a cocumber
and the other one slides down the bar stool.

What's the difference between an oyster salesman with tourettes, and a prostitute with diarrhea?

Well, one shucks between fits...

Looking for a muzzle for my pet duck.

Don't need anything flashy as long as it fits the bill.

What movie title best fits The Flash's sex life?

The Fast and the Furious.

a pervert calls a retirement home

an old lady picks up.

he starts directly "hey granny guess what i am holding in my hand ? "
granny replies " oh if it fits in one hand only then i am not interested "

I don't have sexual fantasies...

Only fits of insanity. I know this because my wife says "You must be crazy to think I'm going to do that!"

My friend woke up this morning in fits of laughter.

I think he must have slept funny.

I've been shopping in the kid's department for hours and they FINALLY found something that fits me!

Although the handcuffs are a bit snug....

Three Prostitutes are in a bar, discussing how loose they are.

The first fits a sausage.

The second fits a cucumber.

The third laughs, and slides down the barstool.

What's the difference between an epileptic corn farmer and a pornstar with a bout of diarrhea?

One shucks between fits.

Man with five penises

As the man with five penises put on a condom, he sighed. "Fits like a glove."

"That dress fits you like a glove"

"It sticks out in five places"

How many talking heads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb, and another to spin the story until the bulb fits.

Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen?

Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fits Michael

If the shoe fits, wear it...

Unless you found it near a bouncy castle, you creep.

My wife said I am giving all of the clothes I no longer wear to charity, I said just chuck them, she replied there are a lot of starving people in the world that can benefit from them, I replied.

Anyone that fits your clothes are definitely not starving.

I invented something to keep the inside of my car quiet.

It fits right over her mouth.

A middle-aged housewife decides to donate her old clothes to charity

Wife: "I've gathered up some old clothes and I need you to drop them off at the church charity."

Husband: *Groaning* " Why not just throw them out? It's easier that way."

Wife: "Because there are people out there who are poor and starving that need these clothes."

Husband: "Darling, anyone who fits into your clothes is not starving."

A very Fat woman comes into a store and tells the clerk,

'i would like to see a bikini that fits me'

Clerk...'me too'

A young woman learned that you can smoke in the rain if you make a hole in a condom and put it over the cigarette.

She goes to a convenience store and asks a middle eastern clerk for a condom. The guy looks at her with obvious disapproval, but does his job. He asks her what kind she wants and she answers,


I don't really care, as long as it fits the camel

After months of patience and persistence I finally have a nice body.

It fits perfectly in my trunk.

What fruit fits best in your palm?

a palm-agranate!

I was working at the shoe store

When a teenage girl came into the store, looking for new shoes. I saw that she was struggling to fit into some of the traditionally sized shoes, so I showed her special shoes for wide set feet. She began to cry and thought that I was calling her fat. I told her, "I'm not calling you fat, but if the shoe fits, wear it."

I saw a "news" report about this guy in India who was born with five penises.

*His underwear fits like a glove.*

What's perfectly round and fits into round holes perfectly well?

A square peg in denial.

Three women walk into a bar and are talking about how loose they are,

The first one fits a hot dog, the second a cucumber and the last one slides down the bar stool.

How many women fits in a monk monastery?

Nun.

Why did French use yellow as the color for their angry vest movement ?

It fits so well with their teeth.

Penises are like belts...

They go from hole to hole until the one that fits.

My son is Traumatised by Years of Abuse

A bit long of a name maybe, but it fits him perfectly

Have you heard of the pelican?

It's bill fits more than its belly can

Three woman talk about who's the loosest of them.

One fits a sausage, one fits a cucumber, the third one slides down the barstool.

Source: Sovietwomble

My fat momma has something that still fits after 40 years

Me. I'm epileptic

Did you hear about the man with 5 penis' ?

His underware fits like a glove.

3 ladies at a bar are talking about how loose they are.

The first lady can fit a cucumber.
The second fits a sausage.
The third slides down the bar stool.

The Brasil National Football Team got a brand new van as a consolation prize....

It fits 7.

If the coca-cola bear had random anger fits,

he'd be a bi-polar bear.

How to make Fits jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Fits to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Fits? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Fits pick up lines to share with friends.

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