fits Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious fits puns

What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A seatbelt

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Have you heard about the guy with 5 penises?

His underwear fits like a glove.

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How can you tell if your girlfriend is getting too fat?

If she fits in your wife's clothes.

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Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I'd like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? That's much easier.

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

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My wife just said to me, "Look at this, I've had this since we got married 20 years ago and it still fits me."

I said, "It's a fucking scarf."

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What's the difference between an epileptic oyster and a prostitute with IBS?

Well, one you have to shuck between fits...

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My wife was going through her wardrobe when she squealed, "Look at this! It still fits me after 25 years!"

I grumbled, "It's a fucking scarf!"

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Wife: "Look. I haven't worn this in 8 years and it still fits."

Husband: "For God's sake woman, it's a scarf!"

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What is the difference between an epileptic oyster-shucker & a prostitute with diarrhea?

The epileptic oyster-shucker SHUCKS between FITS.

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Have you met the guy with 5 dicks?

His underwear fits like a glove.

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My wife was cleaning the closet last week

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing, I think I should donate them

Me: Just throw them in trash, that's much easier

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes

Me: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

[email protected]#$%^&*

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What gets longer when pulled, fits cozily between breasts, glides neatly into a hole, chokes you when used incorrectly, and works nicely when jerked?

A seatbealt

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Most Intelligent But Funniest

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.

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What's the difference between a corn farmer with seizures and a prostitute with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits, the other fucks betweens shits

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My friend decided to take up wood working and he heard this joke at his new work place

A joiner makes sure that what he makes fits with the rest down to the tenth of a millimeter.

A carpenter makes sure it fits down to a millimeter.

A mason makes sure it fits down to the centimeter.

If the painter makes it to the right address, it's a good thing.

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How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat?

When she fits in your wife's jeans.

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Did you hear about the man with five penises?

His underwear fits like a glove.

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Wife: I have a bag full of dirty & used clothing I'd like to donate....!

Husband: Why not just throw these in the trash? That's much easier for you.

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes with basket full satisfaction.

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

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So the Pope is doing a crossword puzzle when a Bishop walks in.

"What is a four letter word for a woman that ends in -unt?" the Pope asks. The Bishop thinks for a minute, afraid to say such a word to the holiest of men. Then a miracle comes to him. "A-unt?" he suggests. "Yes, that fits better, got an eraser?"

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My wife sorted out some clothes she no longer wears, I said what are you going to do with them? she replied give them to charity, I said why don't you just throw them away, she replied, there are a lot of starving women out there that will appreciate them.

I replied, anyone that fits into your clothes are definitely not starving.

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I met a guy with five penises

His underwear fits him like a glove.

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I bought a muzzle for my pet duck....

Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.

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What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with dysentery?

One of them shucks between fits.

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What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when jerked?

A seatbelt.

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Whats the difference between a prostitute with diarrhea and an epileptic corn-husker?

The epileptic corn-husker shucks between fits.

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What's the difference between an epileptic corn farmer and a prostitute with dysentery?

The farmer shucks between fits.

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I just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world

I told them to fuck off.

Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving.

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I know a guy with 5 penises.

His underwear fits likes a glove.

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Used Clothing

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I'd like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash?

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use these clothes.

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

And that's when the fight started...

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Man takes his son to the police station

A man takes his son to the police station to get him a job as a cop. He meets the lieutenant and tells him. "Take my son, he's really stupid and I think he fits perfectly here."


"How stupid is he?" says the lieutenant.


"Watch this. Son, go outside and see if father is outside." The son goes outside and comes back in and says "No father, father wasn't outside."

"See? I told you he's stupid."
The lieutenant says "You're right, he could have looked through the window instead."

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Whats the difference between an epileptic oyster and a prostitute with dysentery?

You shuck the oyster between fits...

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What's the difference between an epileptic corn farmer and a hooker with diarrhea?

One has to shuck in between fits... the other has to fuck in between shits.

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What's the difference between an epileptic corn husker and a nymphomaniac with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits

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A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!

After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.

The groom approaches the him and asks, "why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that speech!"

"I know..." Says the priest, "but that was just my altar ego".

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How does this name fit?

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, Hans Olaffsen's Laundry.
Hans Olaffsen?, he muses. How in the world that name fits in here? So he decides to walk into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.
The tourist asks, How did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?

The old man answers, Is name of owner.

The tourist asks, Well, who and where is the owner?

Me...is right here,replies the old man.

You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?

Is simple, says the old man. Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, What your name? He say, Hans Olaffsen. Then she look at me and go, What your name?

I say... Sem Ting.

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What are the most funny Fits jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Fits? Well, here are the best Fits dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Fits pick up lines to share with friends.

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